To the surprise of No-one, Commander Phillips is Evil, and is torturing a Lohrian that His Slaveship captured from the beginning for information
Turns out Valerian isn't a complete idiot and refused to let Laureline give Tiger over to him.
At the same time, because Val gets so huffy that he can't smash women, even if he asks nicely, he pulls rank on her and makes her guard the corridor, this is when she gets accosted by creatures called the Duro-Dagi, long nosed rat pigeons that value money and information over all...and if the long noses didn't cop you on that this is a Jewish stereotype the fact that they sound like Jeff Goldblum on Helium is why they were referred to as "Space-Jews"
Anyway, the Duro-Dagi are so knowledgeable, yet so greedy and abhorrent, that bribing them for gossip is how they function! So they tell Laureline that the single human empire Liaison to Planet Mule Died in a "Bullet Related Accident!"
That is when the Lohrians (ok at this point in the film, it's revealed that they are called "Pearls"...WHICH IS CONFUSING BECAUSE THE MACGUFFIN IN THE PLOT OF THIS FILM IS ACTUAL PEARLS...So, I have decided to call them Mulians, after their planet, despite the planet being called Lohr and they change it a scene later!) Attack with guns that shoot spider webs. Carrying away the commander, who they thought had Tiger on him.
A Chase scene happens but the Mulians get away...because even in the 26th century...maps can still be held upside down!
The Alex picks up Valerian and for a species who fight with Spears, Mulian Ships are advanced, so advanced that whilst given Chase, the Alex Crashes, and Valerian is propelled into the Slums of West Alpha, and while Alex can still be spoken to, he can't return
Laureline wants to rescue Valerian, but she is ordered not to, she points out that the so-called enemy used non violent weapons, and they are from a destroyed planet whose last liaison was possibly murdered to keep quiet, which means the Empire has lied to everyone this outburst makes the garrison arrest her, but since it seems men have devolved into not take women seriously, they get their asses kicked! She escapes with the Duro-Dagi who tell her how to track Mulian Brainwaves, she needs a cortex jellyfish, which can be fished in the North Alpha Sea by submarine, the Jellyfish, when worn, can track Psychics, but can only be farmed off the heads off sea monsters! Wait...
The Real-Life Supermodel who just happens to be Real-Life Lesbian has to wear a Live Jellyfish?
Monsieur Besson....
After wearing the Jellyfish, she doesn't find a Mulian Mind, she finds Valerian's in a Deactivated powercore, however the Duro-Dagi sell info on Laureline's whereabouts back to the army!
Oy Vey! Dem Wacky Space-Jews!
Valerian is found conscious in a mine shaft, and when Laureline rescues him, all she gets is a kiss on the cheek. This sets off Laureline on a tirade on how the other soldiers don't take her seriously enough, but it boils down to :
Laureline: you treat me like shit!
Valerian: ....and you love it, Baby!
Meanwhile General Odarabah has found the Mulian that Phillips was torturing. Turns out if a Mulian is close to death, it can just combust into energy!
In case you can't tell, instead of giving English audiences who didn't grow up on this comic an origin story, the only way they can push this story along is by passing the Idiot Ball to each other, .meaning it's now Laureline's turn to be rescued, so watch as she goes from competent Badass, into "OOOH, LOOK AT THE PRETTY BUTTERFLY!" In a hot minute!
Said Butterfly is used as bait by the Bulongar, a race of cannibals who literally use butterflies on fishing rods.
By now, you are screaming the same thing I did watching this scene
"YOU ARE A COP! THEY ARE CANNIBALS! ARREST THEM!"
And while you might be right, being a cannibal is a lifestyle choice and arresting them will cause a diplomatic incident, but Alex suggests Deputizing a Glamourpod- a shape shifter- to sneak in. Luckily, Valerian is close to Paradise Alley, a red light district.
Turns out a date worse than death is waiting Laureline-she is to entertain so she is forced into a wedding dress to work in the Red Light District, Laureline just goes along with it
(DEEP BREATH!)
YOU.
ARE.
A
COP.
WITH.
A.
GUN!
SHOOT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!
actually you have something better, you have Tiger, who can shit bombs!
ACTUAL! FUCKING! BOMBS!
So Val goes to the strip club to recruit a shape shifter to pose as a Bulongar. Said shapeshiter is revealed to be Rihanna, who starts her floorshow
2 WASTED MINUTES LATER!
While that doesn't seem like much, every second counts in an action film. And we have reached Peak Levels of Luke Besson, wasting the special effects budget to put Rihanna in 20 Fetish Costumes in 2 minutes!
After the show, Valerian tries to recruit the Glamourpod, but she tries to turn tricks by turning into Laureline, Valerian whips out his gun in the strip club (PAUSE!) He shoots a stun blast at the club owner, but the shapeshifter tries to save herself by turning into Val's boss and Valerian aged 10 (Who the stupid idiot doesn't even Recognize!)
So Valerian gets Bubble (Rihanna) onside as Glamourpod are kidnapped for their abilities at a young age (by human standards Bubble is only 4!) So Glamourpods are mostly Liquid, with means they can share there powers by covering a human, so they sneak into a second club to save Laureline from cannibals and it's now Dinner time!
So the Cannibals all line up with offerings of meat dishes to quell the hunger of Emporor Bulan the 3rd, and nothing works until Laureline comes out holding lemons and a wearing a juicer on her head.
After wearing the Jellyfish, she doesn't find a Mulian Mind, she finds Valerian's in a Deactivated powercore, however the Duro-Dagi sell info on Laureline's whereabouts back to the army!
Oy Vey! Dem Wacky Space-Jews!
Valerian is found conscious in a mine shaft, and when Laureline rescues him, all she gets is a kiss on the cheek. This sets off Laureline on a tirade on how the other soldiers don't take her seriously enough, but it boils down to :
Laureline: you treat me like shit!
Valerian: ....and you love it, Baby!
Meanwhile General Odarabah has found the Mulian that Phillips was torturing. Turns out if a Mulian is close to death, it can just combust into energy!
In case you can't tell, instead of giving English audiences who didn't grow up on this comic an origin story, the only way they can push this story along is by passing the Idiot Ball to each other, .meaning it's now Laureline's turn to be rescued, so watch as she goes from competent Badass, into "OOOH, LOOK AT THE PRETTY BUTTERFLY!" In a hot minute!
| "DUH... LOOK AT THE 2 BUTTERFLIES, VAL, DIS ONE AND THE OTHER ONE I'M STARING AT, 10 MILES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! |
Said Butterfly is used as bait by the Bulongar, a race of cannibals who literally use butterflies on fishing rods.
| Fat, Black, Cannibals wearing loinclothes who do a nut when a white woman will present herself to him okay....you asked for this! |
By now, you are screaming the same thing I did watching this scene
"YOU ARE A COP! THEY ARE CANNIBALS! ARREST THEM!"
And while you might be right, being a cannibal is a lifestyle choice and arresting them will cause a diplomatic incident, but Alex suggests Deputizing a Glamourpod- a shape shifter- to sneak in. Luckily, Valerian is close to Paradise Alley, a red light district.
Turns out a date worse than death is waiting Laureline-she is to entertain so she is forced into a wedding dress to work in the Red Light District, Laureline just goes along with it
(DEEP BREATH!)
YOU.
ARE.
A
COP.
WITH.
A.
GUN!
SHOOT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!
actually you have something better, you have Tiger, who can shit bombs!
ACTUAL! FUCKING! BOMBS!
So Val goes to the strip club to recruit a shape shifter to pose as a Bulongar. Said shapeshiter is revealed to be Rihanna, who starts her floorshow
2 WASTED MINUTES LATER!
While that doesn't seem like much, every second counts in an action film. And we have reached Peak Levels of Luke Besson, wasting the special effects budget to put Rihanna in 20 Fetish Costumes in 2 minutes!
After the show, Valerian tries to recruit the Glamourpod, but she tries to turn tricks by turning into Laureline, Valerian whips out his gun in the strip club (PAUSE!) He shoots a stun blast at the club owner, but the shapeshifter tries to save herself by turning into Val's boss and Valerian aged 10 (Who the stupid idiot doesn't even Recognize!)
So Valerian gets Bubble (Rihanna) onside as Glamourpod are kidnapped for their abilities at a young age (by human standards Bubble is only 4!) So Glamourpods are mostly Liquid, with means they can share there powers by covering a human, so they sneak into a second club to save Laureline from cannibals and it's now Dinner time!
So the Cannibals all line up with offerings of meat dishes to quell the hunger of Emporor Bulan the 3rd, and nothing works until Laureline comes out holding lemons and a wearing a juicer on her head.
The lemons are not the offering, they are the garnish and Laureline just let's the cannibal pour lemon juice on her head and then the penny drops! Val kills the emperor and after fighting 20 tribesmen and the two heroes and Bubble escape into the sewers.
We are nearly finished! Brace yourself next week for part 4 only on Bogger box office!
AND NOW.....CHAPTER ONE OF THE NEW STORYLINE!: SABOTAGE BY SLEEP!
It had being an entire year since the events of Heavenscar, the fight between Eamonn and Eighties Lad, both possessed by the Cosmic Entity of Rage, Until Oracle Of Earth 3 became her world's Champion, The defeat of Rage caused a universal reset, everyone returned to their worlds of Origin. But as Eamonn was floating in the void he created, bleeding out his now severed arm. It caught the attention of...Something
Something as Ancient as The Cosmic Entities.
......as Powerful
.....as Manipulative
......As Deadly!
(Cut to Present Day and if you thought you had a bad Day, Consider Your Earth Being crush by a Meteorite, and no longer having Technology or Magic to Deal with it!
Y'Know Dis iz a Suicide Misson, RITE?
-Yes I Know
An' Your Arm gru bac in da Reset, we aven't Teschted out ow strong ya r....
-Yes I Know!
N da Train to Hell, we Know it can Fly but what if ya Burn up in the Asmosphere?
-JOE-JACK! I Know! Look it seem bad....ok it is bad! But the Last few months have made me realize that i am not a leader of people, and if i save the world in secret once more everytime, that I could live with that...for everyone who is not here!
-AH KNOWS DAT! I JUS' WANNA HEAR YOU SAY DAT? COS I CAN'T SUEDE YA OTHERWISE! ALL I CAN DO IZ WISH YA GUD LUCK!
(Eamonn set the co-ordinates for the meteorite that was heading this way. And it was Huge! Despite Powered by Magic and Anger, the Train to Hell does not have weaponry. Eamonn's Plan was to ram it repeatedly and then proceed with one of 2 plans.
a: If the Metorite fragmentated, most pieces would burn up in the atmosphere.
or b: if it was stronger than it looked then pushing into out of Earth's pull.
In the End, Plan b was used, and try as our hero might, the plan failed, the train to Hell Mangled in Unearthly Alloys and Prehistoric Ice, as the mighty collision happened, Earth one's Champion was propelled once more in the vacuum of Space!
Gasping for air, feeling helpless, Eamonn Knew one thing, that unlike Any other Human His Death would not be long and painful.
and That Saddened him.
His frozen Body touched something, he could not feel anything, so he did not register the giant hand out of a Wormhole that now held his corpse like one would hold a gentle butterfly!
ACQUISITION REQUIRED! BEGINNING BRAND EXTENSION OF TERRAN HOME-WORLD P3-R1: EARTH!
We are nearly finished! Brace yourself next week for part 4 only on Bogger box office!
AND NOW.....CHAPTER ONE OF THE NEW STORYLINE!: SABOTAGE BY SLEEP!
It had being an entire year since the events of Heavenscar, the fight between Eamonn and Eighties Lad, both possessed by the Cosmic Entity of Rage, Until Oracle Of Earth 3 became her world's Champion, The defeat of Rage caused a universal reset, everyone returned to their worlds of Origin. But as Eamonn was floating in the void he created, bleeding out his now severed arm. It caught the attention of...Something
Something as Ancient as The Cosmic Entities.
......as Powerful
.....as Manipulative
......As Deadly!
(Cut to Present Day and if you thought you had a bad Day, Consider Your Earth Being crush by a Meteorite, and no longer having Technology or Magic to Deal with it!
Y'Know Dis iz a Suicide Misson, RITE?
-Yes I Know
An' Your Arm gru bac in da Reset, we aven't Teschted out ow strong ya r....
-Yes I Know!
N da Train to Hell, we Know it can Fly but what if ya Burn up in the Asmosphere?
-JOE-JACK! I Know! Look it seem bad....ok it is bad! But the Last few months have made me realize that i am not a leader of people, and if i save the world in secret once more everytime, that I could live with that...for everyone who is not here!
-AH KNOWS DAT! I JUS' WANNA HEAR YOU SAY DAT? COS I CAN'T SUEDE YA OTHERWISE! ALL I CAN DO IZ WISH YA GUD LUCK!
(Eamonn set the co-ordinates for the meteorite that was heading this way. And it was Huge! Despite Powered by Magic and Anger, the Train to Hell does not have weaponry. Eamonn's Plan was to ram it repeatedly and then proceed with one of 2 plans.
a: If the Metorite fragmentated, most pieces would burn up in the atmosphere.
or b: if it was stronger than it looked then pushing into out of Earth's pull.
In the End, Plan b was used, and try as our hero might, the plan failed, the train to Hell Mangled in Unearthly Alloys and Prehistoric Ice, as the mighty collision happened, Earth one's Champion was propelled once more in the vacuum of Space!
Gasping for air, feeling helpless, Eamonn Knew one thing, that unlike Any other Human His Death would not be long and painful.
and That Saddened him.
His frozen Body touched something, he could not feel anything, so he did not register the giant hand out of a Wormhole that now held his corpse like one would hold a gentle butterfly!
ACQUISITION REQUIRED! BEGINNING BRAND EXTENSION OF TERRAN HOME-WORLD P3-R1: EARTH!
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