(The Live action Film Of Ghost In A Shell Starting Scarlett Johansson Hasn't even being Released Yet~! and people are already calling it "Jupiter ASScending 2"!
My Thoughts? I'll just be happy if this was on the Soundtrack!
https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi6obLetJrMAhXBcRQKHRnhBLgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D15il5mmlpmE&usg=AFQjCNFsBQ7rJFbsT1VGVXiL2KRneIDjKQ&sig2=EdjwYUP6x6G20hsmFhRltg
When we Last Left our Heroes, Eamonn boarded the Train to Hell, to pick up 80's Lad who had invented a weapon, should dark forces venture from other dimensions! Not noticing that The Pimpernel, a hero from an alternate universe has smuggled onto the train!
this is the backdrop to our review, Jupiter Ascending, the story of Jupiter Jones, the most fashionable person on the Breadline! Who is also an Alien Princess, who will be plunged intowar tedious debates and ...other things with her Brothers, Gordon Booth And Eddie Redmayne dressed as Pantomine Dames who are invading Earth because they didn't have enough Hugs as children!, especially when she learns (but it's dumbed down 4 different times before she catches on!) that Earth is nothing more than a Secret Slave Colony/Petri Dish for Slave Traders called Splicers!)
Stinger (Sean Bean) explains to Jupiter (Mila Kunis) that Earth was Inhabited By Intelligent Dinosaurs But Humans, From Auron (Jupiter) Planned a Mass Extinction to claim Bagsy on Earth!
So Booth and Redmayne are Saiyins? Wow, I just found to Saiyins That are More Pathetic Than Raditz!
Outside, Gorilla-Man, Knockoff Cable, J-pop Girl and a few Monkey-Squids surround the compound. Stinger also explains that when a Planet's Population exceeds it's needs, It's put on a shortlist for Harvesting (Read: SLAVERY, GENOCIDE, AND DESTRUCTION!) the Bees start to go loco as they sense Danger, Stinger leads Jupiter to safety, Leaving Caine alone to give into his Lupine Instints. Jupiter runs into a corn field that get pblasted into corn circles(heh..heh...) where she is blasted by I Can't Believe It's Not Cable!
Do you know what would get her out of this jam? being Psychically connected to overprotective INCEST/...I Mean insects! THE 1ST ONE COMES LATER! But J-Pop Girl and Gorilla Man kill Not-Cable to share the bounty between them, But Caine hangs onto the spaceship! (somehow werewolves can breathe in Space, and doing it shirtless, isn't fanservice at all, it must mean he wont die of Compression Either!)
Back on Auron/Jupiter, Baliem (Redmayne) whinges to Chicanery, a rat-man who was giving rat dna for the animal's natural skills of... Beuracraty! (again it's symbolic Suck!) that he will Harvest Earth tomorrow if he wanted to
Jupiter wakes up with a costume Change and Meets Kilik, her half-sister, Who explains that her father was Not a British Alien, but An "Alien"-Alien, That while Aurons can live for Millia, they still age and still die from poison or Blood loss, like her Mother, a women that thanks to a statue, looks exactly like Jupiter, but it goes further, listen to this shit!
" Your DNA IS A PERFECT MATCH TO MY MOTHER, IN YOUR PARLANCE THIS CAN BE WHAT YOU CALL REINCARNATION!"
If that is the case then that means Kilik's Mother Did the Nasty with Jupiter's Father which means...what Titus asks later means that it's gonna be perfectly normal in his sick mind!
We are then introduced to Younger Kilik, after the older actress goes into a spa bath of glowing water and comes out younger, Kilik says that the water is full of human cells, When Jupiter asks if the cells are cloned, Kilik scoffs and says no they are Harvested. but she know that already, you saw the Monkey squids harvesting her roommates blood, but she says she only Harvest the people noone will miss! whose going to miss a Stripper or homeless person? or an Immergrant? this last question makes Jupiter uneasy of her sister, but reassures her that if she had her way, she'd only harvest those humans who recently died!
Caine Breaks in to save Jupiter but Kilik offers Jupiter the one thing she never had: power! power to make her own descisions, But this film is making mixed messages since we are adding It's Your Destiny tropes to her speil!
On the ship called the Aegis, manned by the only other human, Ex Machina Girl and Nesh who looks a little familer to me...
Caine and Jupiter are reunited with Stinger. Whilst Giving Jupiter some Diarrohea Pills (I'm so glad this point is what starts off a Romatic Two Hander with our leads!) Caine is asked why he killed a royal but, vaguely answers it's in his genes! Jupiter says it most be in her genes why she keeps falling for the wrong kind of Man (then keep it in your jeans!) Caine explains that it's forbidden for Pure Humans to be Intimate with Splices, Leading to this Exchange
Tatum: My Body has more in common with a dog than most Men!
Kunis: I LOVE DOGS!
EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
Meanwhile Baliem gets Sadistic Pleasure From Tearing the Wings from one of his dragons!
After a Pointless peice of Satire (because why have humour and wit-when your film is all about a girl fawned by a dogman and her....OH WAIT SPOILERS!) Jupiter's claim to the Crown is legitimized to which the Beuaraucrats offer condolenses, Jupiter being dumb as bricks has already forgotton that her pansy-boys of her half brothers are trying to kill her. Jupiter tells Caine that the whole rags to riches and riches and killing strangers to stay young is still upsetting but she is same Jupiter Jones from Chicago deep down. Stinger turns on his friends and Brings her to Titus. Now being in power to rage war with Titus, she conceeds to just being sent back home, being captured has made the decision of her futre. Caine is detained in the ship's Brig.
During Dinner, Titus Tries to Blackmail Jupiter into being in love with Caine, but instead tries to win her trust by telling her the truth about harvesting: Earth is many of a secret business, and is no more than a farm for stem cells carried out in secret and known by the Royal's and key "sworn in" Goverment officials of Earth, who are all of Auron descent. He shows Her a huge warehouse of the cell rich water that Kilik bathed, in she drops a canister when Titus tells her it contains the cells of 100 people, and this warehouse contains 1000s of such Canisters. Earth is next, most of it's life will be turned into stem cells to turn a profit!
https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiNrtyUtprMAhVGXhQKHUAUCFgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DPVGNJvWnG5E&usg=AFQjCNFXWgoCjNs_QKumBleMhSDZV73ZZg&sig2=d9jdoG5nVkLe6qePP795GA
He believes that his MAMMIE! was killed by someone when she had a change of Heart, (well, not too quick a change of heart, as Kilik told Jupiter she lived for 96 millenia!) and now he fears he's signed is own death warrant for by investigating the murder.
Okay maybe Booth's Charecter isn't a bastard after all...
"Sister, to gain your Trust, I must ask you one question...Will you Marry Me"
(PUKING SOUNDS!)
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT THAT IN YOUR FILM AND NOT HAVE PEOPLE FORGET THE ACTUAL PLOT?
Iseen some disgusting things on film. I've seeing the Reserve Shot of the headwound in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I've seen a Puppeteers Tendons ripped out and ised as strings in Elm street 3, I seen The Human Centipede, I'VE HEARD GERARD BUTLER SING! But this was the first time i ever tooked my cookies over something i watched to grant my opinion on.
But that's not all? she is actually CONSIDERING IT! byt still has feeling for Caine. Meaning Mila Kunis is actually making a choice between Incest and Bestiality!
So Titus throws Cain out of the airlock, but Caine has a tablet that turns into a Spacesuit (despite us seeing that WEREWOLVES CAN BREATHE IN SPACE!, APPARENTLY! but watches in Terror as the space ship warps to Earth!
Back in Chicago, The Big Fat Russian Wedding otherwise known as Jupiter's Family have discovered Vlady's scam to sell Jupiters Eggs ("YOUR COUSIN IS NOT A CHICKEN!" ACTUAL QUOTE AND THE BEST ONE SO FAR!) but Baliem's space ship and Dragons capture the entire Family. As Caine Comtemplates Death, the Aegis arrives and saves him. back on Titus' Ship he ensures that the Marriage is nothing more than a contract to transfer the safety of Earth from him to her in exchange for the planets she inherited, since she now wants nothing more to do with any of the House Of Nebraskus!
So it's the day of the Coronation, and Caine forgives Stinger, as the crew of the Aegis plans a Rescue Mission, Meanwhile Marraige is such a cynical concept on Auron that the vows are no more than verifying a proof of purchase, Caine rescues Titus after a sequence that looked like computer game cut scene. Caine accuse Titus of Planning to Kill Jupiter after the ceromony, And what's more stupid than a villian saying yes before his followers? the heroes not killing him!
WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH!
COME BACK ON THE 5TH OF MAY FOR THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF TICKETS TO HELL AS WELL AS THE TWIST TO THE STORYLINE YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN COMING!
My Thoughts? I'll just be happy if this was on the Soundtrack!
https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi6obLetJrMAhXBcRQKHRnhBLgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D15il5mmlpmE&usg=AFQjCNFsBQ7rJFbsT1VGVXiL2KRneIDjKQ&sig2=EdjwYUP6x6G20hsmFhRltg
When we Last Left our Heroes, Eamonn boarded the Train to Hell, to pick up 80's Lad who had invented a weapon, should dark forces venture from other dimensions! Not noticing that The Pimpernel, a hero from an alternate universe has smuggled onto the train!
this is the backdrop to our review, Jupiter Ascending, the story of Jupiter Jones, the most fashionable person on the Breadline! Who is also an Alien Princess, who will be plunged into
Stinger (Sean Bean) explains to Jupiter (Mila Kunis) that Earth was Inhabited By Intelligent Dinosaurs But Humans, From Auron (Jupiter) Planned a Mass Extinction to claim Bagsy on Earth!
So Booth and Redmayne are Saiyins? Wow, I just found to Saiyins That are More Pathetic Than Raditz!
Outside, Gorilla-Man, Knockoff Cable, J-pop Girl and a few Monkey-Squids surround the compound. Stinger also explains that when a Planet's Population exceeds it's needs, It's put on a shortlist for Harvesting (Read: SLAVERY, GENOCIDE, AND DESTRUCTION!) the Bees start to go loco as they sense Danger, Stinger leads Jupiter to safety, Leaving Caine alone to give into his Lupine Instints. Jupiter runs into a corn field that get pblasted into corn circles(heh..heh...) where she is blasted by I Can't Believe It's Not Cable!
Do you know what would get her out of this jam? being Psychically connected to overprotective INCEST/...I Mean insects! THE 1ST ONE COMES LATER! But J-Pop Girl and Gorilla Man kill Not-Cable to share the bounty between them, But Caine hangs onto the spaceship! (somehow werewolves can breathe in Space, and doing it shirtless, isn't fanservice at all, it must mean he wont die of Compression Either!)
Back on Auron/Jupiter, Baliem (Redmayne) whinges to Chicanery, a rat-man who was giving rat dna for the animal's natural skills of... Beuracraty! (again it's symbolic Suck!) that he will Harvest Earth tomorrow if he wanted to
Jupiter wakes up with a costume Change and Meets Kilik, her half-sister, Who explains that her father was Not a British Alien, but An "Alien"-Alien, That while Aurons can live for Millia, they still age and still die from poison or Blood loss, like her Mother, a women that thanks to a statue, looks exactly like Jupiter, but it goes further, listen to this shit!
" Your DNA IS A PERFECT MATCH TO MY MOTHER, IN YOUR PARLANCE THIS CAN BE WHAT YOU CALL REINCARNATION!"
If that is the case then that means Kilik's Mother Did the Nasty with Jupiter's Father which means...what Titus asks later means that it's gonna be perfectly normal in his sick mind!
We are then introduced to Younger Kilik, after the older actress goes into a spa bath of glowing water and comes out younger, Kilik says that the water is full of human cells, When Jupiter asks if the cells are cloned, Kilik scoffs and says no they are Harvested. but she know that already, you saw the Monkey squids harvesting her roommates blood, but she says she only Harvest the people noone will miss! whose going to miss a Stripper or homeless person? or an Immergrant? this last question makes Jupiter uneasy of her sister, but reassures her that if she had her way, she'd only harvest those humans who recently died!
Caine Breaks in to save Jupiter but Kilik offers Jupiter the one thing she never had: power! power to make her own descisions, But this film is making mixed messages since we are adding It's Your Destiny tropes to her speil!
On the ship called the Aegis, manned by the only other human, Ex Machina Girl and Nesh who looks a little familer to me...
 |
| OH LOOK A DROWZEE! I'M GONNA CATCH IT! (THROWS POKEBALL!) |
Tatum: My Body has more in common with a dog than most Men!
Kunis: I LOVE DOGS!
EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
Meanwhile Baliem gets Sadistic Pleasure From Tearing the Wings from one of his dragons!
After a Pointless peice of Satire (because why have humour and wit-when your film is all about a girl fawned by a dogman and her....OH WAIT SPOILERS!) Jupiter's claim to the Crown is legitimized to which the Beuaraucrats offer condolenses, Jupiter being dumb as bricks has already forgotton that her pansy-boys of her half brothers are trying to kill her. Jupiter tells Caine that the whole rags to riches and riches and killing strangers to stay young is still upsetting but she is same Jupiter Jones from Chicago deep down. Stinger turns on his friends and Brings her to Titus. Now being in power to rage war with Titus, she conceeds to just being sent back home, being captured has made the decision of her futre. Caine is detained in the ship's Brig.
During Dinner, Titus Tries to Blackmail Jupiter into being in love with Caine, but instead tries to win her trust by telling her the truth about harvesting: Earth is many of a secret business, and is no more than a farm for stem cells carried out in secret and known by the Royal's and key "sworn in" Goverment officials of Earth, who are all of Auron descent. He shows Her a huge warehouse of the cell rich water that Kilik bathed, in she drops a canister when Titus tells her it contains the cells of 100 people, and this warehouse contains 1000s of such Canisters. Earth is next, most of it's life will be turned into stem cells to turn a profit!
https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiNrtyUtprMAhVGXhQKHUAUCFgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DPVGNJvWnG5E&usg=AFQjCNFXWgoCjNs_QKumBleMhSDZV73ZZg&sig2=d9jdoG5nVkLe6qePP795GA
He believes that his MAMMIE! was killed by someone when she had a change of Heart, (well, not too quick a change of heart, as Kilik told Jupiter she lived for 96 millenia!) and now he fears he's signed is own death warrant for by investigating the murder.
Okay maybe Booth's Charecter isn't a bastard after all...
"Sister, to gain your Trust, I must ask you one question...Will you Marry Me"
(PUKING SOUNDS!)
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT THAT IN YOUR FILM AND NOT HAVE PEOPLE FORGET THE ACTUAL PLOT?
Iseen some disgusting things on film. I've seeing the Reserve Shot of the headwound in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I've seen a Puppeteers Tendons ripped out and ised as strings in Elm street 3, I seen The Human Centipede, I'VE HEARD GERARD BUTLER SING! But this was the first time i ever tooked my cookies over something i watched to grant my opinion on.
But that's not all? she is actually CONSIDERING IT! byt still has feeling for Caine. Meaning Mila Kunis is actually making a choice between Incest and Bestiality!
So Titus throws Cain out of the airlock, but Caine has a tablet that turns into a Spacesuit (despite us seeing that WEREWOLVES CAN BREATHE IN SPACE!, APPARENTLY! but watches in Terror as the space ship warps to Earth!
Back in Chicago, The Big Fat Russian Wedding otherwise known as Jupiter's Family have discovered Vlady's scam to sell Jupiters Eggs ("YOUR COUSIN IS NOT A CHICKEN!" ACTUAL QUOTE AND THE BEST ONE SO FAR!) but Baliem's space ship and Dragons capture the entire Family. As Caine Comtemplates Death, the Aegis arrives and saves him. back on Titus' Ship he ensures that the Marriage is nothing more than a contract to transfer the safety of Earth from him to her in exchange for the planets she inherited, since she now wants nothing more to do with any of the House Of Nebraskus!
So it's the day of the Coronation, and Caine forgives Stinger, as the crew of the Aegis plans a Rescue Mission, Meanwhile Marraige is such a cynical concept on Auron that the vows are no more than verifying a proof of purchase, Caine rescues Titus after a sequence that looked like computer game cut scene. Caine accuse Titus of Planning to Kill Jupiter after the ceromony, And what's more stupid than a villian saying yes before his followers? the heroes not killing him!
WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH!
COME BACK ON THE 5TH OF MAY FOR THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF TICKETS TO HELL AS WELL AS THE TWIST TO THE STORYLINE YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN COMING!
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