(THEME OF THE MONTH: I HAVE NOTHING! So once again! make do with The Catchiest Song Ever Made!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8ob
To Continue where we left off, Jupiter Jones was an unassuming, but fashionably dressed toilet cleaner before finding out her father, a British Lord was an Alien, and the entire Royal families of Earth by proxy!
BUT NEVER MIND SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE A BETTER FILM THAN WE HAVE! This is a melting pot of every good scifi idea ever conceived (Aliens, Androids, DNA Splicing!) but the flavour of the stew is ruined by adding stupid flavours (Hammy Acting, A dumb as bricks heroine, Pansy-boys with Mammy issues in skirts as the villains, and incest!)
Back on the Aegis Spaceship, Jupiter (Mila Kunis) has had a lucky escape from marring her half-brother, all to reinstate Caine (Channing Tatum) and Stinger (Sean Bean) back into the army. Jupiter has returned to Chicago to see her family are long gone captured by Jupiter's other half brother, Lord Baliem (Eddie Redmayne) Inside, Chicanery and a Dragon wait for them, Baliem's Demands are simple; abdicate and her family will return or Watch Earth's resources and Genetic Makeup Milked like a fat udder! Jupiter being dumb as dirt! excepts the demands of a madman who gets off on torture!
Well of course it is!
Auron (the Planet Jupiter's secret City where Human's are really from!) cuts off Stingers pod from the Aegis. Jupiter is trapped on Jupiter the planet!
Baliem hams it up big time to celebrate his victory, Stinger tells Caine that he can rescue Jupiter, with the POWER OF LOVE! Jupiter sees her family in the Harvester and surrenders to Baliem's demands!
Caine on the other hand with the POWER OF LOVE! Crashes into the Shield generator and An "OXYGEN FACTORY!" (Yeah, it's a factory that takes Hydrogen's one atom and adds it to Nitrogen's 7 atoms, so it can pass it self off as Oxygen on a Cellular Level! it would make sense if it was an Oxygen CONVERSION Factory!, But no, "OXYGEN FACTORY" is not what we are going with!) Caine Enters by doing hoverboot Le Parkour and Mila knees Redmayne so hard, he may become a Danish Girl the Hard way!
I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THAT JOKE!
So Let's End this!
Jupiter rescues her family, But Lord Puffy Pansy Pinky Pants! attacks her with a single sai with a Limp-Wristed Motion! almost insulted by the his cowardly attack, Jupiter shoots Baliem in the Kneecaps, Jupiter atmosphere (the planet) reacts the oxygen from the "OXYGEN FACTORY!" To combust anything that's not evil! Caine kills a dragon by doing a Mortal Kombat Fatality on it!, who rescues Natasha, Jupiter's mother and returns to see Baliem hitting Jupiter with a pipe, Monologueing about how his Mammie issues caused him to kill his Mammie! But Jupiter over powers the wimp!, as she pushes him into the planets core, as Caine rescues Jupiter from midair, making sure that she and him get picked up by the warp of the Aegis escaping the burning planet!
And so this film Ends some time later, Jupiter is back cleaning toilets and happy with her lot, knowing she is financally set for life from thepayments from the governments of world, as THE SECRET OWNER OF PLANET EARTH, Means she can have live a humble life with her Wolf-Bird Boyfriend!
OH MY GOD DID THIS REALLY DRAG OUT TO 3 PARTS?!!????
Okay, first the cimenatography, it looks amazing! the world building, the costumes, some of the spliced animal characters. this would have being a worse film without the budget to do these things! Sadly this film is a Microcosm of Mila's Film Career: Looks alone can only get you so far!
Mila Kunis meanders from one rescue to Another, Tatum pouts and dramatically turns to the camera at every turn, Gordon Booth and Redmayne are camp as Christmas at Elton John's!,Redmayne is particular spends the entire 2 HOURS! (YES THIS SHIT-TRAIN CHUGS FOR 140 MINUTES!) Channeling Alan Rickman, by not letting his lips touch each other when he speaks! not killing the USELESS! Kilik and the Filthy Bastard that is Titus were meant to be sequel bait! but winning 13 of 14 Razzies means that will never ever happen!
(Hours Later, Eamonn had A presentation in Enlightened Towers With 80's Lad hovering with Excitement over a cloth covered podium. On a few Chairs, Joe-Jack, Mammie and Elephant In The Room sat confused and uninterested!
IZ DIS GONNA TAKE LONG? COS MAMMIE HAZ HER MEDS T'TAKE OTHERWISE SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP!
Okay...Fine, I give you 80's lad new Weapon against anything that will destroy us from another Dimension. (80's lad fluttered the blanket off the table)....CODE NAME, GAEDEARG!
OH GIVE OVAH! DAT'S A BABYS IRONING MAN TOY GLOVE, SO IT IS!
MUCH LIKE THE OTHER REVIEWER CHAMPIONS OF THEIR SITES WE HAD TO DISGUISE IT AS A TOY!
...ONLY A SICK MIND WOULD DO THAT, EAMONN!
OUT OF A WORMHOLE THE PIMPERNEL STOOD ARMED WITH HIS SHOCK STICKS HIS FACE COVERED WITH A BIKE HELMET HIS MOUTH COVERED WITH A WHITE SCARF WITH BOTH ENDS FLOWING IN THE WIND LIKE AN ANGELS WINGS!)
I'm Sorry...who are yo....
I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE A DIFFERENT EAMONN FROM THIS WORLD, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE ACCESS TO TECHNOLOGY THAT THE OTHER YOU , THE "LEADER" USED TO DESTROY MY WORLD!
TO BE CONTINUED....
CREDITS
Jupiter Ascending was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 3 Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Clips and Footage from
In Part 1:
Favourite Rocketship from Little Einsteins
Jupiter Ascending
Yugioh Arc-v
Beast Wars
In Part 2:
Ghost In the Shell
"King Of My Castle" by Wamdue Project
Jupiter Ascending
The Daily Show
And in Part 3
THE CATCHIEST SONG IN THE WORLD! AKA Disco Romancing by Elena
The Empire Strikes Back
Jupiter Ascending was produced by Warner Bros. All Rights Reserved. All clips and Footage Belongs to it's respective owners!
NEXT MONTH:
THE FIGHT AGAINST HEROES IS UPON US! BUT 1ST! EAMONN MUST CONTEND WITH A POUND LAND KNOCK OFF OF KUNG FU PANDA-THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8ob
To Continue where we left off, Jupiter Jones was an unassuming, but fashionably dressed toilet cleaner before finding out her father, a British Lord was an Alien, and the entire Royal families of Earth by proxy!
BUT NEVER MIND SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE A BETTER FILM THAN WE HAVE! This is a melting pot of every good scifi idea ever conceived (Aliens, Androids, DNA Splicing!) but the flavour of the stew is ruined by adding stupid flavours (Hammy Acting, A dumb as bricks heroine, Pansy-boys with Mammy issues in skirts as the villains, and incest!)
Back on the Aegis Spaceship, Jupiter (Mila Kunis) has had a lucky escape from marring her half-brother, all to reinstate Caine (Channing Tatum) and Stinger (Sean Bean) back into the army. Jupiter has returned to Chicago to see her family are long gone captured by Jupiter's other half brother, Lord Baliem (Eddie Redmayne) Inside, Chicanery and a Dragon wait for them, Baliem's Demands are simple; abdicate and her family will return or Watch Earth's resources and Genetic Makeup Milked like a fat udder! Jupiter being dumb as dirt! excepts the demands of a madman who gets off on torture!
Well of course it is!
Auron (the Planet Jupiter's secret City where Human's are really from!) cuts off Stingers pod from the Aegis. Jupiter is trapped on Jupiter the planet!
Baliem hams it up big time to celebrate his victory, Stinger tells Caine that he can rescue Jupiter, with the POWER OF LOVE! Jupiter sees her family in the Harvester and surrenders to Baliem's demands!
Caine on the other hand with the POWER OF LOVE! Crashes into the Shield generator and An "OXYGEN FACTORY!" (Yeah, it's a factory that takes Hydrogen's one atom and adds it to Nitrogen's 7 atoms, so it can pass it self off as Oxygen on a Cellular Level! it would make sense if it was an Oxygen CONVERSION Factory!, But no, "OXYGEN FACTORY" is not what we are going with!) Caine Enters by doing hoverboot Le Parkour and Mila knees Redmayne so hard, he may become a Danish Girl the Hard way!
I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THAT JOKE!
So Let's End this!
Jupiter rescues her family, But Lord Puffy Pansy Pinky Pants! attacks her with a single sai with a Limp-Wristed Motion! almost insulted by the his cowardly attack, Jupiter shoots Baliem in the Kneecaps, Jupiter atmosphere (the planet) reacts the oxygen from the "OXYGEN FACTORY!" To combust anything that's not evil! Caine kills a dragon by doing a Mortal Kombat Fatality on it!, who rescues Natasha, Jupiter's mother and returns to see Baliem hitting Jupiter with a pipe, Monologueing about how his Mammie issues caused him to kill his Mammie! But Jupiter over powers the wimp!, as she pushes him into the planets core, as Caine rescues Jupiter from midair, making sure that she and him get picked up by the warp of the Aegis escaping the burning planet!
And so this film Ends some time later, Jupiter is back cleaning toilets and happy with her lot, knowing she is financally set for life from thepayments from the governments of world, as THE SECRET OWNER OF PLANET EARTH, Means she can have live a humble life with her Wolf-Bird Boyfriend!
OH MY GOD DID THIS REALLY DRAG OUT TO 3 PARTS?!!????
Okay, first the cimenatography, it looks amazing! the world building, the costumes, some of the spliced animal characters. this would have being a worse film without the budget to do these things! Sadly this film is a Microcosm of Mila's Film Career: Looks alone can only get you so far!
Mila Kunis meanders from one rescue to Another, Tatum pouts and dramatically turns to the camera at every turn, Gordon Booth and Redmayne are camp as Christmas at Elton John's!,Redmayne is particular spends the entire 2 HOURS! (YES THIS SHIT-TRAIN CHUGS FOR 140 MINUTES!) Channeling Alan Rickman, by not letting his lips touch each other when he speaks! not killing the USELESS! Kilik and the Filthy Bastard that is Titus were meant to be sequel bait! but winning 13 of 14 Razzies means that will never ever happen!
(Hours Later, Eamonn had A presentation in Enlightened Towers With 80's Lad hovering with Excitement over a cloth covered podium. On a few Chairs, Joe-Jack, Mammie and Elephant In The Room sat confused and uninterested!
IZ DIS GONNA TAKE LONG? COS MAMMIE HAZ HER MEDS T'TAKE OTHERWISE SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP!
Okay...Fine, I give you 80's lad new Weapon against anything that will destroy us from another Dimension. (80's lad fluttered the blanket off the table)....CODE NAME, GAEDEARG!
OH GIVE OVAH! DAT'S A BABYS IRONING MAN TOY GLOVE, SO IT IS!
MUCH LIKE THE OTHER REVIEWER CHAMPIONS OF THEIR SITES WE HAD TO DISGUISE IT AS A TOY!
...ONLY A SICK MIND WOULD DO THAT, EAMONN!
OUT OF A WORMHOLE THE PIMPERNEL STOOD ARMED WITH HIS SHOCK STICKS HIS FACE COVERED WITH A BIKE HELMET HIS MOUTH COVERED WITH A WHITE SCARF WITH BOTH ENDS FLOWING IN THE WIND LIKE AN ANGELS WINGS!)
I'm Sorry...who are yo....
I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE A DIFFERENT EAMONN FROM THIS WORLD, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE ACCESS TO TECHNOLOGY THAT THE OTHER YOU , THE "LEADER" USED TO DESTROY MY WORLD!
TO BE CONTINUED....
CREDITS
Jupiter Ascending was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 3 Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Clips and Footage from
In Part 1:
Favourite Rocketship from Little Einsteins
Jupiter Ascending
Yugioh Arc-v
Beast Wars
In Part 2:
Ghost In the Shell
"King Of My Castle" by Wamdue Project
Jupiter Ascending
The Daily Show
And in Part 3
THE CATCHIEST SONG IN THE WORLD! AKA Disco Romancing by Elena
The Empire Strikes Back
Jupiter Ascending was produced by Warner Bros. All Rights Reserved. All clips and Footage Belongs to it's respective owners!
NEXT MONTH:
THE FIGHT AGAINST HEROES IS UPON US! BUT 1ST! EAMONN MUST CONTEND WITH A POUND LAND KNOCK OFF OF KUNG FU PANDA-THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER!
No comments:
Post a Comment