(Dedicated To All The Charity Shops, Bargain Bins and Pawnbroker's who has covered my ass after His BASTARD'S Voice left Ireland high and dry! thank you for keeping the dream alive!)
(We open on the Byroad from to Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Oireland, A Delivery Van makes it's Long Journey to Deliver it's goods, however Da West of Oireland makes Middleearth look like Disneyland in comparsion, A place where one Joe-Jack calls home.
Maybe the Driver didn't notice the house was in Disrepair, maybe he didn't take seriously the signs that said, GOA WEIGH! or KNOW TRESPASSIN'!, But how can he miss the mass graveyard with the many tombstones reading "SUM BASTARD! Or SUM BITCH!
He knocked on the door.
-YA WHADDYAWANT?
(When Joe-jack saw the honeybee on the van he bellowed "YA ONNA DEM? ARE YA? YE AIN'T TAKIN' R WIMIN? YA STINGIN' BASTARD!
"...and it ended with Joe-jack chasing this tragic dude who just wanted to deliver to the shop and it ended with him running his van off the motorway with his tractor, and that's why Joe-Jack isn't here!" conveyed 80's Lad to myself, who joined the Train to Hell, whilst he was in Earth 2, he being the Techincal Savant of the trio clutched a sachel sized box to his chest. since the last ticket to hell 2 years ago! Eamonn's Fragment of the devil's DVD's power was depleted to return Satan back to Hell, but under the experimentation and after surgerically removing it from his knuckles, he soon discovered that he can charge it as a small powersource for a weapon in the box.
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eL1Bfv8Y9k
Once Again my Signature Event has returned, A birthday Tradition in May, the month of my birth, where Storylines reach a dramatic Conclusion...well usually! things have being a bit slow here! No has tried to kill us recently!
However this month is a special Treat for all of you (and i use that term loosely1) one of the most stupid, the most contrived film of last year, One that turned it's leading lady into a fetish fuel attendant of Furries and Anthos, but it's was her character's marraige that disgusted people more than they can fathom what hell was going on!
Ladies and Gentleman! It's which equal parts of Honour and Disgust!, That I Present to you all...
JUPITER ASCENDING!
The film starts with a Narrative By Mila Kunis her parents were a russian Mother who was a Mathemetcian and her father was a British Lord and astromoner, After meeting during a harsh winter, Natasha and John become a couple quickly and we time jump 9 month, Dr Jones wishes to call his unborn daughter "Jupiter" Natasha Replies "over my dead Body!"
AAAAAND FIVE MINUTES LATER....he's Dead?
Yep, this film is so bad, it even fails in following Bad Movie Memes!
Losing Everything to Russian Gangsters, Jupiter's Mother becomes an Illegial Imergrant, And Jupiter is born in a shipping Container. 20 years later Jupiter is the most glamourous and stylishly dressed toilet cleaner in Chicago!
Meanwhile on a distant planet, 3 space Romans have travelled to an abandoned planet, where blue sand covers streets, dinner tables and lost toys! One of the Planks pretending to be Shakespearian in his dleivery tells his Sister, that the "harvest" is complete on this planet and the locals felt noticing. I'll speed this along, the 2 brothers (Gordon Booth and Eddie Redmayne) are pansy boys who whinge about Their desceased Mammy not deciding who of the 3 inheriant Earth so they each plan to invade because they are bored!
Back On Earth, A woman from a J-pop video, a Discount Store Cable and Black Guy spliced with Gorilla DNA (Because that won't get you into trouble, Mostly white Creative Team!) stalk Channing Tatum as he breaks into a Birth Control Clinic, this ends with a Lazer battle, Tatum Gets away with a name and a address, with Gorilla-Dude saying Lord Baliem will be happy about this.
Back...IN SPACE! Lady Kilik, the sister of the 2 wusses, Titus and Baliam, invading Earth to find out who Mammy loved more is consulting her advisior, a man spliced with owl DNA, WHICH IS KIND OF STUPID, considering how Owls are not intelligent as they are in stories, but everything in this film is either Sytlised Suck or Just Plain Garden Variety Suck! she orders him to "make the deal" which consists of Deploying Dragon Armies hidden on Jupiter...to kill a stripper who lives with our heroine. As Jupiter helps Catherine pick an outfit to bait a millionaire, she turns and sees her floating in maidair probed by aliens who look like the Silent from Doctor Who, Disturbed, but suddenly forgetting why, she returns home to ask for money to buy back her father's stolen telescope, so she and her cousin Vlady reveal why she was at Catherine's...to steal her id, pose as her and sell Jupiters Eggs
THIS WILL END WELL!
Sure enough, after scanning Jupiter's dna, the doctor reveal themselves as the Monkey Squid Silent Knockoffs, when Tatum comes in and kills the moneky faced freaks. Back in space A Mouse Girl (GuGu M'Buta-Rah, in the kind of crap she did after Bonekickers!) interupts Lord Titus' (Booth) Zero Gravity Orgy (wouldn't you be worry about fluid going ever you didn't want it to go?). we learn that Cain Wise (Tatum) works for him and that "his sister" has being found!
Jupiter wakes up back in her clothes and with a gun beside her, caine exposists that is Human raised on another world, and spliced with a wolf, purposely made to get their best skills, in his case, combat and retrieval. And he tells her to come with him, otherwise his family will be in Danger. Leading Lord Baliem (Redmayne) to have a hissyfit!
Caine teleport Jupiter to his ship, but is fired upon by lazer weilding metal birds
so he activates his rocket boots, that makes him look like anything from riding an invisible bike to dry humping the air!
Caine says that he was going to bring her to his Royal Limp-Wristedness, but he know someone who may want in on this action, bring him to a dilipdated house in a wildflower field next to a corn field. upon knocking Stinger (Sean Bean) fights Caine at the same time the bees from the surrounded area surround Jupiter. Stinger being a bee himself tells he that bees recognised royality and explains why she was never stung by a bee!
NOT EATING ANYTHING WITH SUGARS AND AMINO ACIDS ALSO HELPS!
Caine says if he wants in on this action then both can reinstated into the sky army and have their wings backs since the army either enrols splices with winged species or splice them with non winged animals like Wolves
WAIT A WOLF WITH WINGS? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
Vlady learns that Jupiter did not get paid in her part of the scam, which he already spent on Roomas and x-boxes! Stinger tells Caine that Baliem has Put a Barrier over Earth to Stop them Delivering Jupiter, Stinger exposists that Being Spliced with Wolf Dna has a serious drawback-an uncontrolable Bloodlust when stressed or alone and the reason that why he and Stinger got Courtmartialed
END OF PART ONE.
PART 2 WILL UP NEXT TUESDAY! (18/4/16)
(We open on the Byroad from to Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Oireland, A Delivery Van makes it's Long Journey to Deliver it's goods, however Da West of Oireland makes Middleearth look like Disneyland in comparsion, A place where one Joe-Jack calls home.
Maybe the Driver didn't notice the house was in Disrepair, maybe he didn't take seriously the signs that said, GOA WEIGH! or KNOW TRESPASSIN'!, But how can he miss the mass graveyard with the many tombstones reading "SUM BASTARD! Or SUM BITCH!
He knocked on the door.
-YA WHADDYAWANT?
(When Joe-jack saw the honeybee on the van he bellowed "YA ONNA DEM? ARE YA? YE AIN'T TAKIN' R WIMIN? YA STINGIN' BASTARD!
"...and it ended with Joe-jack chasing this tragic dude who just wanted to deliver to the shop and it ended with him running his van off the motorway with his tractor, and that's why Joe-Jack isn't here!" conveyed 80's Lad to myself, who joined the Train to Hell, whilst he was in Earth 2, he being the Techincal Savant of the trio clutched a sachel sized box to his chest. since the last ticket to hell 2 years ago! Eamonn's Fragment of the devil's DVD's power was depleted to return Satan back to Hell, but under the experimentation and after surgerically removing it from his knuckles, he soon discovered that he can charge it as a small powersource for a weapon in the box.
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eL1Bfv8Y9k
Once Again my Signature Event has returned, A birthday Tradition in May, the month of my birth, where Storylines reach a dramatic Conclusion...well usually! things have being a bit slow here! No has tried to kill us recently!
However this month is a special Treat for all of you (and i use that term loosely1) one of the most stupid, the most contrived film of last year, One that turned it's leading lady into a fetish fuel attendant of Furries and Anthos, but it's was her character's marraige that disgusted people more than they can fathom what hell was going on!
Ladies and Gentleman! It's which equal parts of Honour and Disgust!, That I Present to you all...
JUPITER ASCENDING!
The film starts with a Narrative By Mila Kunis her parents were a russian Mother who was a Mathemetcian and her father was a British Lord and astromoner, After meeting during a harsh winter, Natasha and John become a couple quickly and we time jump 9 month, Dr Jones wishes to call his unborn daughter "Jupiter" Natasha Replies "over my dead Body!"
AAAAAND FIVE MINUTES LATER....he's Dead?
Yep, this film is so bad, it even fails in following Bad Movie Memes!
Losing Everything to Russian Gangsters, Jupiter's Mother becomes an Illegial Imergrant, And Jupiter is born in a shipping Container. 20 years later Jupiter is the most glamourous and stylishly dressed toilet cleaner in Chicago!
Meanwhile on a distant planet, 3 space Romans have travelled to an abandoned planet, where blue sand covers streets, dinner tables and lost toys! One of the Planks pretending to be Shakespearian in his dleivery tells his Sister, that the "harvest" is complete on this planet and the locals felt noticing. I'll speed this along, the 2 brothers (Gordon Booth and Eddie Redmayne) are pansy boys who whinge about Their desceased Mammy not deciding who of the 3 inheriant Earth so they each plan to invade because they are bored!
Back On Earth, A woman from a J-pop video, a Discount Store Cable and Black Guy spliced with Gorilla DNA (Because that won't get you into trouble, Mostly white Creative Team!) stalk Channing Tatum as he breaks into a Birth Control Clinic, this ends with a Lazer battle, Tatum Gets away with a name and a address, with Gorilla-Dude saying Lord Baliem will be happy about this.
Back...IN SPACE! Lady Kilik, the sister of the 2 wusses, Titus and Baliam, invading Earth to find out who Mammy loved more is consulting her advisior, a man spliced with owl DNA, WHICH IS KIND OF STUPID, considering how Owls are not intelligent as they are in stories, but everything in this film is either Sytlised Suck or Just Plain Garden Variety Suck! she orders him to "make the deal" which consists of Deploying Dragon Armies hidden on Jupiter...to kill a stripper who lives with our heroine. As Jupiter helps Catherine pick an outfit to bait a millionaire, she turns and sees her floating in maidair probed by aliens who look like the Silent from Doctor Who, Disturbed, but suddenly forgetting why, she returns home to ask for money to buy back her father's stolen telescope, so she and her cousin Vlady reveal why she was at Catherine's...to steal her id, pose as her and sell Jupiters Eggs
THIS WILL END WELL!
Sure enough, after scanning Jupiter's dna, the doctor reveal themselves as the Monkey Squid Silent Knockoffs, when Tatum comes in and kills the moneky faced freaks. Back in space A Mouse Girl (GuGu M'Buta-Rah, in the kind of crap she did after Bonekickers!) interupts Lord Titus' (Booth) Zero Gravity Orgy (wouldn't you be worry about fluid going ever you didn't want it to go?). we learn that Cain Wise (Tatum) works for him and that "his sister" has being found!
Jupiter wakes up back in her clothes and with a gun beside her, caine exposists that is Human raised on another world, and spliced with a wolf, purposely made to get their best skills, in his case, combat and retrieval. And he tells her to come with him, otherwise his family will be in Danger. Leading Lord Baliem (Redmayne) to have a hissyfit!
Caine teleport Jupiter to his ship, but is fired upon by lazer weilding metal birds
so he activates his rocket boots, that makes him look like anything from riding an invisible bike to dry humping the air!
Caine says that he was going to bring her to his Royal Limp-Wristedness, but he know someone who may want in on this action, bring him to a dilipdated house in a wildflower field next to a corn field. upon knocking Stinger (Sean Bean) fights Caine at the same time the bees from the surrounded area surround Jupiter. Stinger being a bee himself tells he that bees recognised royality and explains why she was never stung by a bee!
NOT EATING ANYTHING WITH SUGARS AND AMINO ACIDS ALSO HELPS!
Caine says if he wants in on this action then both can reinstated into the sky army and have their wings backs since the army either enrols splices with winged species or splice them with non winged animals like Wolves
WAIT A WOLF WITH WINGS? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
Vlady learns that Jupiter did not get paid in her part of the scam, which he already spent on Roomas and x-boxes! Stinger tells Caine that Baliem has Put a Barrier over Earth to Stop them Delivering Jupiter, Stinger exposists that Being Spliced with Wolf Dna has a serious drawback-an uncontrolable Bloodlust when stressed or alone and the reason that why he and Stinger got Courtmartialed
END OF PART ONE.
PART 2 WILL UP NEXT TUESDAY! (18/4/16)
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