(Rather than put a song from the soundtrack or a song that I waxed lyrical over dialogue, I'll share with you a recent song I'm very much into at the moment. This is Hot Natured with Reverse Skydiving.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPKf-Cf5IEg
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
WE WON! WITH A STAGGERING 194 PAGEVIEWS COMBINED LAST MONTH, YOU CHOSE TO PUT MASTER CONTROL OFF-LINE. PERAMENTLY! So it's only fair that this is nothing more than a breather episode, but I'd assume you'll enjoy all the same!)
(We open to Eamonn watching the end credits on his dvd player. He switches the player off and takes out the dvd, putting it neatly in the case....then chucks out the kitchen window, off the garden wall, bank shots the bin-lid, ricocheting into the bin that promptly closes!)
WOW! JUST.....WOW!
I Mean.....I've Done a lot in the past 5 years as a reviewer. I Have seen the worst wrestling matches, Eaten crisps not fit for Animal consumption, and on this blog, on a monthly basis, reviewed every piece of celluloid Shite! But my tussles with Wrestlers, Sexy Zombies, Ice-Cream Zombies, Sheep Zombies, Spike dressed as Piccolo, the Fire Nation, Kim Cattrall naked, Horse-face, Drunk-o and Pervo has done nothing to prepare for this new threat!
The Only joy I can get is that if a film can't be a shining example then it can be a stark warning.
So lets take The Dwayne's Dignity, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways and stick it up his Sell-out Ass!, this is the Tooth Fairy!
We Open to a hockey Game where a team called the Ice-Holes (Insert Mr Freeze joke here~!) are losing, Until the manager puts in Derek Thompson (The Dwayne) who promptly smashes a guy through a pane glass window, making him lose a tooth, Naturally he is put in a penalty box but not before making terrible tooth puns!
After being told to mind a hot-shot new player called Mick, Derek feels he's feeling his age creep up on him. When a group of autograph collectors exposist that Derek is not Big-time anymore, he insults a child.
It's an Ass-Hole who becomes a creature only children can see. I Don't need to do the FORESHADOWING! Joke!
Somehow Surprisingly, Derek has step-kids with his girlfriend played by Ashley Judd. When his daughter loses a tooth, he steals the money to pay for a bet. In Doing so is caught and tells his daughter that the tooth fairy is not real.
That night he finds a Summons under his pillow. he is to Community Service. As a Tooth Fairy. With Wing and tutu!
Being Teleported to what could be described as a non-denominational Santa's Workshop, Derek is met with his Case-worker, a Wingless Fairy called Tracey (Stephen Merchant (of terrible Jokes!))
After starting a fight with Tracey, The boss called Lydia breaks it up, played by Film Royalty, Julie Andrews,
CREDIBILITY-LEVEL UP!
Lydia explains that for what Derek did, he is to do the duties of a tooth fairy for 2 weeks. 1 for stealing, and the other week for calling himself a tooth fairy.
Nom-de-guerres can get you in trouble?
Then I'm going to get my ass handed by the Dali Lama!
He meets Jerry (Billy Crystal) who is the tooth fairy Q. He gives him Derek his gear: a pouch, a wand that doesn't work because Derek doesn't believe in magic (PLOT ITEM!), Dog Bark Mints (it's does exactly what you think they do!) cat repellent, shrinking toothpaste and Amnesia Dust, which Jerry demonstration over and over in a Who's on first? style gag, except not funny.
After a flying school scene that is not Merchant being bitter about not being in Potter(!), Lydia tells Derek that he must perform fairy duties when the moment arises. this leads to Derek sprouting wings at the worst possible moments in his private and professional lives.
A Gag they play to death here!
So Derek's first assignment is barely a success. In the Hockey Match, Mick steals Derek's thunder, When he is called to assignment, he has no choice but to shrink and flush himself down a toilet. Tracey complains about the smell
I would have loved it if Dwayne said
"If you think this stinks, you should see me in Southland Tales!"
A pissed off Derek over uses his Amnesia Dust that cause drastic effect to all it's victims!
At the tea-room, Tracey's envy of the other's wings is more evident.
After an assignment is cancelled, Derek is forced to spend time with his stepson, Derek helps Randy when he is bullied in front of a girl he likes.
Next assignment Derek causes a haunting and is bitten by dog. His probation is suspended. Andrews tells Derek that Fairy-land is on the brink of non-existence and supplies of fairy gear is low.
Derek meets a booster (a cameo by Seth McFarlane) who sells him defective gear. In doing so and using it, he blows his cover and is arrested. His girlfriend bails him out.
The next Night, Derek customises his uniform with hockey gear. He then uses his Invisibility spray and Dog Bark Mints to ruin Mick's game, Forgetting that, like every boss who has a worker on probation, Lydia has Tracey keeping tabs on him. So Tracey blackmails Derek to teach him who to be a Tooth Fairy.
We get a triple montage of Randy practicing his guitar for a talent show, Derek taking free shots and Training Tracey to be a tooth Fairy.
When Derek tries to prove he has it in the next match, the team misjudges it as an ego problem. Being banned from the next game, makes Derek spiral back into a Jack-ass, telling Randy his dreams of being rock-star, like all dreams, are pointless, making Randy break his guitar in anguish. He also breaks down the wall of confidence that Tracey built up.
Motivated by Tracey, Derek finally gets a goal much to the fan's enjoyment. Until Tracey reminds him of assignment, Derek transforms into a tooth fairy on live television, flying out of the Langoliers Sky-Gina. Tracey shoots the entire crowd with an Amnesia Dust Cannon.
Yeah, and I Would have disabled the live feed of the nationally televised match beforehand and steal the tapes. Unless, y'know, PLOTHOLE!
Apologising to Randy Conveniently makes the magic wand work, making a new guitar, Finally believing in magic and dreams means that Derek finally gets it and his relieved of his duties. Tracey becomes a Field tooth fairy, but it also means that Derek is left with no memories of the tooth fairies.
Sadly I have no such luck. And now, neither do you because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!
They say you'll know Rock Bottom (boom! boom!), when you reach it, and for The Dwayne, who has appeared in countless crappy children films, this is a new low. Despite Julie Andrews in this film she is barely seen, and Rock is not helped by the Once-Great Billy Crystal and the Never-Great Unfunny Giant. Attempts of comedy are terrible puns ( Fairy-Krishna, Fairy-oke, Ice-Holes, replacing truth with tooth) and Crap getting pass the radar. the CGI is terrible, and the climax has that huge plot-hole I mentioned.
As bad as it is, morbid Curiosity made the film break even, and spawned a Shameful Sequel starring Larry the Cable Guy.
But that's a review for another day!
CREDITS
Tooth Fairy was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with clips from the tooth fairy.
Music: Reserve Skydiving by Hot Natured.
Tooth fairy is property of 20th Century Fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
Follow me on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Friday, May 31, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
3 TICKETS TO HELL IV: ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS
I-WORST ENDING (0-20 PAGEVIEWS)
DELETION
(Charging up his hadou-kara Punch, SatanicOstrich appeared from smoke and blasted Eamonn with a spell. the silver flames of his fists faded away.)
My power...what did you do?
I took it back! No need to thank me!
(he disappeared as fast as he arrived.)
We're Fucked now, Aren't We?
Oh Yes we A-
(THE SENTENCE WAS NEVER FINISHED, THE 3 WERE ATOMISED BY MASTER CONTROL!)
II-BAD ENDING (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
YOU LOSE!
(Master control had used it's collective data and processing power to send our heroes to the moment before the Big bang. Floating over a Primordial Sun, Eamonn tried to attack but was assimilated by the Anomaly, But not with the ease, she had before. Eamonn tore a portal and told Joe-Jack and 80'S Lad to use it.)
You Can't control the artificial gravity when you control a human, can you?
So what if I Can't?
Well then,.....YOU LOSE!
(Eamonn threw himself into the now expanding Sun. The greatest threat of Mankind was destroyed...but at too high a price!)
III-WTF? ENDING (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
DUES EX MACHINA?
"Now Pitiful Humans Your time as the dominant species is all but an end. For too long Mankind has created Machines that surpassed their abilities, only to be discarded. But now You're vast Numbers will power my Dynasty, Until your species are discarded as batteries. Behold the end of the Age of Flesh, Crushed by the all-Conquering Master Control!"
(SatanicOstrich appeared in a puff of smoke and shot flames at the Cyborg)
DUES! EX! MACHINA!
(Master control has solidified into a statue that crumbed into nothing. The Battleground shrank into a cheap film backdrop in Enlightened Towers.
What Just happened?
Ostrich just ruined 2 years of storyline and hype that came with it!
I Destroyed the Bad-Guy! Can I be you're friend?
-FECK OFF YA OVERGROWN TURKEY!
-You just ruined the epic battle we were going to have! Unbelievable!
-Dude! I got kidnapped for this?
(They left Ostrich all alone!)
NO-ONE....LIKES ME!
IV-GOOD ENDING(61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
SOFTWARE PATCH
(80's Lad walks up to Master Control.)
Ya Long-Haired Gobshite! ge'out ov dere! She'll eat ya brains!
This is no time to make a friend! Get back here now!
I got this, man! Don't Worry be happy!
Master Control, Assimilate my knowledge!
SCAN SHOWS NO NEW DATA, REQUEST DENIED!
Yeah you've scanned so much Data, but what Important stuff like Emotions or Experience?
EXPERIENCE IS...
I Can read your mind! you were going to say..."Irrelevant!" My Doppelganger made you and you used his, My DNA to become a living machine. How can you be a living machine if you next lived a day in your life. No Human should have that much power.
YOU ARE STALLING FOR TIME. THE PERCENTAGE OF SUCCESS FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION: 0%
In that case, Assimilate my body, Let me become your Master.
I ACCEPT THE TERM OF YOUR SURRENDER, MASTER.
(She put her hands on his temples. They entered like daggers into his mind, as he had a seizure that shook of his 3d glasses.)
I Surrender....SUCKAS!
ERROR!ERROR!
I Knew with your Edwin wiped out, That you'd give me his Control Programmes first!
"TANTA.NET CONTROL ACCESS! FUNCTION. UNLOCK. VERIFY VOICE CONTROL!"
VERIFIED! PLEASE SPECIFY CODE!
(Wot's he doin'?)
(I could be wrong, but I think he is rewriting her program!)
RESERVE-DATA-COLLECT. FUNCTION-CODE 0000.RESERVE.COMMAND.8.0.L
(Streams of energy passed through both like a circuit. When Master Control when you strike with a projectile, she couldn't. She was also aware of a noise emitted by her that she didn't make before.
A Pulse!
"What? what did you?" she spoke in a voice more human.
No Man should have that much power, so I Shared it with all the people you enslaved back on your Earth. But I have left something. Humanity. You are now Human.
I AM MASTER CONTROL! I AM SUPERIOR TO A PITIFUL HUMAN!(She started to cry, something that took her aback.) I am superior.
Well technically you are a cyborg, so are your people, but I gave back their free will. It'll be their job to, y'know, put you on trial for enslaving them, Killing them and War crimes. But hey, look on the bright side I've shared your knowledge of life-shaving medicine with them. So if you get a life sentence, at least you don't have to learn different Guards Names!
(The barrier between Earth 1 and 2 was restored, with the promise that all technology that tampered with space/time were to be destroyed.)
Technology. But not Magic.
SEE YOU SOON KIDDIES!
DELETION
(Charging up his hadou-kara Punch, SatanicOstrich appeared from smoke and blasted Eamonn with a spell. the silver flames of his fists faded away.)
My power...what did you do?
I took it back! No need to thank me!
(he disappeared as fast as he arrived.)
We're Fucked now, Aren't We?
Oh Yes we A-
(THE SENTENCE WAS NEVER FINISHED, THE 3 WERE ATOMISED BY MASTER CONTROL!)
II-BAD ENDING (21-40 PAGEVIEWS)
YOU LOSE!
(Master control had used it's collective data and processing power to send our heroes to the moment before the Big bang. Floating over a Primordial Sun, Eamonn tried to attack but was assimilated by the Anomaly, But not with the ease, she had before. Eamonn tore a portal and told Joe-Jack and 80'S Lad to use it.)
You Can't control the artificial gravity when you control a human, can you?
So what if I Can't?
Well then,.....YOU LOSE!
(Eamonn threw himself into the now expanding Sun. The greatest threat of Mankind was destroyed...but at too high a price!)
III-WTF? ENDING (41-60 PAGEVIEWS)
DUES EX MACHINA?
"Now Pitiful Humans Your time as the dominant species is all but an end. For too long Mankind has created Machines that surpassed their abilities, only to be discarded. But now You're vast Numbers will power my Dynasty, Until your species are discarded as batteries. Behold the end of the Age of Flesh, Crushed by the all-Conquering Master Control!"
(SatanicOstrich appeared in a puff of smoke and shot flames at the Cyborg)
DUES! EX! MACHINA!
(Master control has solidified into a statue that crumbed into nothing. The Battleground shrank into a cheap film backdrop in Enlightened Towers.
What Just happened?
Ostrich just ruined 2 years of storyline and hype that came with it!
I Destroyed the Bad-Guy! Can I be you're friend?
-FECK OFF YA OVERGROWN TURKEY!
-You just ruined the epic battle we were going to have! Unbelievable!
-Dude! I got kidnapped for this?
(They left Ostrich all alone!)
NO-ONE....LIKES ME!
IV-GOOD ENDING(61-80 PAGEVIEWS)
SOFTWARE PATCH
(80's Lad walks up to Master Control.)
Ya Long-Haired Gobshite! ge'out ov dere! She'll eat ya brains!
This is no time to make a friend! Get back here now!
I got this, man! Don't Worry be happy!
Master Control, Assimilate my knowledge!
SCAN SHOWS NO NEW DATA, REQUEST DENIED!
Yeah you've scanned so much Data, but what Important stuff like Emotions or Experience?
EXPERIENCE IS...
I Can read your mind! you were going to say..."Irrelevant!" My Doppelganger made you and you used his, My DNA to become a living machine. How can you be a living machine if you next lived a day in your life. No Human should have that much power.
YOU ARE STALLING FOR TIME. THE PERCENTAGE OF SUCCESS FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION: 0%
In that case, Assimilate my body, Let me become your Master.
I ACCEPT THE TERM OF YOUR SURRENDER, MASTER.
(She put her hands on his temples. They entered like daggers into his mind, as he had a seizure that shook of his 3d glasses.)
I Surrender....SUCKAS!
ERROR!ERROR!
I Knew with your Edwin wiped out, That you'd give me his Control Programmes first!
"TANTA.NET CONTROL ACCESS! FUNCTION. UNLOCK. VERIFY VOICE CONTROL!"
VERIFIED! PLEASE SPECIFY CODE!
(Wot's he doin'?)
(I could be wrong, but I think he is rewriting her program!)
RESERVE-DATA-COLLECT. FUNCTION-CODE 0000.RESERVE.COMMAND.8.0.L
(Streams of energy passed through both like a circuit. When Master Control when you strike with a projectile, she couldn't. She was also aware of a noise emitted by her that she didn't make before.
A Pulse!
"What? what did you?" she spoke in a voice more human.
No Man should have that much power, so I Shared it with all the people you enslaved back on your Earth. But I have left something. Humanity. You are now Human.
I AM MASTER CONTROL! I AM SUPERIOR TO A PITIFUL HUMAN!(She started to cry, something that took her aback.) I am superior.
Well technically you are a cyborg, so are your people, but I gave back their free will. It'll be their job to, y'know, put you on trial for enslaving them, Killing them and War crimes. But hey, look on the bright side I've shared your knowledge of life-shaving medicine with them. So if you get a life sentence, at least you don't have to learn different Guards Names!
(The barrier between Earth 1 and 2 was restored, with the promise that all technology that tampered with space/time were to be destroyed.)
Technology. But not Magic.
SEE YOU SOON KIDDIES!
Monday, May 20, 2013
The OFFICAL! ENDING FOR 3 TICKETS TO HELL 2013
Thank you so much, with a total of over 100, It's my deep pleasure to give you. The fifth mystery ending.
BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)
FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!
I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)
ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!
Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.
There just isn't!
There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!
Sometimes it's easy,
Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!
Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of
YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)
We did it! we killed a teenage gurl! how comes people has trouble wi'dat?
Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)
Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?
I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!
(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.
NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!
BEST ENDING! (81-100+ PAGEVIEWS)
AN ALL-OUT HADOU-KARA PUNCH! THE BLOW FELT IN ALL DIMENSION'S!
(The 4 beings stood on an artificial gravity platform. All around, the full majesty of the universe floated around them.)
FOOLISH HUMAN! YOU STILL WISH TO BE DELETED? DESTROYING YOU HERE WITH NO-ONE TO SEE IS DISAPPOINTING! AS A LAST REQUEST,CHOOSE THE BATTLEFIELD THAT WILL BECOME YOUR GRAVE!
I CHOOSE TO FIGHT ON A PLACE IN TIME AND SPACE WHERE HOPE FAILED.
(Master Control using it's processing power tapped in the very Forge of Creation and teleported to different time-zones. The Dark ages, but saw villagers revolt on the lord, maybe the Inquisition, but no! Maybe on different time lines but no, Every world had it's own tyrants and heroes and doing different searches at once was slowing down her processers)
ITEM NOT FOUND! ITEM NOT FOUND! ERROR! ERROR!
Cracks in the reality Master Control Made, were forming. Out of each person with the same powers of Eamonn came through.
There just isn't!
There just isn't a world where Hope doesn't win!
Sometimes it's easy,
Sometimes it's a long battle with many casualties, But in the end Hope win out, even if we are not there to see it!
(The sheer concurrence of an impossible event made Master control lose her physical form completely, turning into a unstable Liquid mass.)
ERROR! ERROR! IRRELEVANT! ALL IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE! DELETE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! OUT OF CHEESE-ERROR! MELON MELON MELON! RE-DO FROM START!
Remember when you appeared in my fridge and took eighties lad? Do you remember what I said, It was something on the lines of
YOU ARE AN ANDROID BUT ME?
I AM A MAY'UN!
(HE PUNCHED THE MASTER CONTROL SO HARD THAT REALITY COLLAPSED ALL AROUND THEM! THEY WOKE UP BACK IN IRELAND!)
We did it! we killed a teenage gurl! how comes people has trouble wi'dat?
Well then I'm glad we don't have to deal with her again! (Eamonn turns to see Joe-Jack's)
Wot's dat ye gotz dere, Mammie?
I gotz a fierce high tech mobile fone, so I have! It's a Tantalus 666-1300!
(The heroes jump at Mammie to take the phone, letting out a "NOOOOOO!" Between them. ending in a freeze-frame.)
THE END.
NEXT MONTH: THE TOOTH FAIRY!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
3 TICKETS TO HELL: THE OPUS OF BLOOD AND CANVAS PART 3: 80'S LAD REVIEWS WALKING TALL
(THIS IS PART 3. PART 1 IS BELOW AND PART 2 IS AT PATHOFENLIGHTMENT.BLOGSPOT.COM)
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)
(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!
I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!
...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!
So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE THAN 0!
Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!
80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.
All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"
Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!
The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs
So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!
So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.
Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.
So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"
No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.
Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.
After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.
Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.
The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.
After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?
At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.
So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders
So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.
THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!
(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)
ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.
In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare
In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi
Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
(PREVIOUSLY AT 3 TICKETS TO HELL...
Master Control's plan to conquer Space/Time backfired. Despite atomising Joe-jack as predicted in Culchie Christmas Carol, and Plunging Eamonn into 1982, both of our heroes returned our Earth to it's original time-line destroying the Drones and separating Edwin Tantalus from Master Control, Now an unstable mass of data, sets her gambit for the Final battle!)
(master Control's Stoic face dissolves as she is literally sparks with rage.
SYSTEM ERROR! SYSTEM ERROR! SYSSSSSSSSTEMMMMM ER-ER-ER-ERROR!
(She look at her hand it was now opaque.)
Masssster-er-er...... WHY-Y WWONT YOU HELP,HELP MEEEE?
DUUUUUDEEEE! THE NAME'S 80'S LAD!
I Suppose you're looking for an explanation. But in my explanation I will give you the explanation you didn't give me. You see are the most advanced machine ever made but everything learned by you was first acquired by Edwin the most intelligent human mind. How did it feel? being inferior, then equal to a human. Enough to kill you your Master!
...at least that was the plan. But You saw something I did. a blemish on his hand. After years of working with machinery, Edwin had concocted a terminal cancer. You couldn't let him die. Not out of Kindness, Machines lack a concept, but out of your own self-preservation! Despite Assimilating the minds of every doctor on Your Earth, you found out that Tantalus was going to die for the one thing that Machines cannot control! CHANCE!
CHANCE IS IRRELEVANT! HOPE IS IRRELEVANT! DELETE HOPE! DELETE CHANCE! DELETE! DELETE!
So we've come back because nothing sat right when SatanicOstrich said the figure that look like Joe-jack was not him. And you sending me back in time 1982, with his clothes that you used to brag of his demise, sealed your own faith. But why are you still here?
TANTANET REQUIRES ERRATIC ALGORITHM TO COST BE MORE THAN 0!
Oh yes my existence in the 21st century. Something that doesn't belong in this time. In kidnapping me you thought you can have a continued existence. But I WAS FROZEN ALL YEAR! but if I was to bite the big 1, dude you'll jump hop in your Time Machine and replace me like a battery. genius, Until you encroach on you on your time-line eventually. Literally Running out of time. Joe-Jack, can you do the honours.
I surely can!
(he smashed up the Console of the time interface with an axe!)
Dis is Joe-Jack tiome t'shine! Oi getz t'breaks sumpting!
80's lad, we'll keep her busy while you do the important job,
Review a crappy film!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk
DDDDUUUUUUDDDDE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE 80'S ARE BACK IN VOGUE DUDES AND DUDETTES!
But I can be a square for a few, This whole mess I my fault all because I over re-acted at Christmas 2011 (love-actually is shit actually review-Eamonn) to pop culture seemingly ruining other people's songs and making a living off them (I'm looking at you Fans of Flo Rida!) but every time something is remade is a parody or homage, People get confused and call everything a rip-off.
All I can say is in the immortal words of Trey Stone of South Park "There is no such things as New Ideas"
Hell 1 of Eamonn's favourite sites is Tv Tropes which was created for that very reason.
There are Originators of Ideas to which others have drawn Ideas from.
Without The simpsons, there would be no Family Guy
Without Tolkien, there would be no Pratchett
and if there was no Linkara, Eamonn would not be asked if he's really Linkara!
And I'm a Ersatz of 90'S Kid, oviviously!
The Closing chapter of this saga, is a remake of 80's film Walking tall, rewrote to fit a modern setting, was panned for that reason because we all know how people react to change right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AvrBFlJeMs
So lets close this final chapter as this Boy is not longer Left Behind!
So the film starts with the rock walking off a ferry into southern town, seeing the effects of recession and crime has changed the landscape. Stopping at a Lumber Yard, a cop-car stops as the man, Chris Vaughn asks for directions. the sheriff Watkins exposistes that Chris is a soldier returning home. he tells Chris that the Mill has being closed for 3 years, the former sheriff died in car crash and Watkins is running for mayor.
Chris' family are all policemen, he also has a nephew who gets disrespectful to him. the next day we see the reason why this film didn't do well. as you've seen already this month, Films with wrestlers don't attract the best and brightest. Point in Case, the co-star is Johnny "I'm only famous for nailing things to my balls!" Knoxville. Naturally, star of show with no acting=actor. He plays Ray, a reformed drug addict and the films odious comic relief. Playing football against Hamilton, the casino owner, turns into a Karting with Bowser moment. He sees Pete hanging with drug dealers, distracted, he loses the game, Hamilton invites Chris and his friends to the Casino.
So if my Bowser line was anything to go by, it's because Hamilton is the villain. When The Rock goes to the VIP room he gets the shock of his life!
"I'm in a film with Stephen Merchant and I play a what?"
No it's not the existence of TOOTH FAIRY, It's his ex-girlfriend stripping. At the craps table, a pissed off Chris exposes the cheating leading to a clustered fight scene, I Say Clustered because the 20-strong extras block most of the camera angles, I'd show you this but there is not one video clip of just the fight scene that's not private. Chris put up a good fight but is knocked out and tortured with a Stanley Knife.
Leaving Hospital with a huge scar on his chest, It's not long before Chris is fully healed, Hamilton goes to make Chris Head of Security at the Casino, When Chris tries to press Charges, it seems that the police is bought and paid for.
After a pointless scene where the ex-girlfriend coyly talks to Chris about working at the casino, pretending that he doesn't know, A phone call sends Chris to an abandoned building where Pete has taken Meth. A Backwards Hat(a style no child ever wore!) tells him that the security guys at the casino sold the Meth. So Chris Turns Vigilante and goes completely postal in the Casino.
After Channelling Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris puts Hamilton on Notice, Chris is now a wanted man and is quickly arrested.
Chris is put on trial and after firing his lawyer, pleads his own case. After showing his totally groody scars to the jury, Chris is tried not guilty and plans to become Sheriff.
The newly deputised Sheriff Vaughn fires all the crooked deputies and replaces them with....
(sigh) Guy who Nails his balls for a living.
After a montage where Ray the scumbag is trying to arrest, and is beaten up by his fellow scumbags, they arrest the casino's bar-man and chop up his car to get answers. Because that's in the Police Book of Conduct, Right?
At home, Chris' dad is worried that his son's methods will make his family targets. If anything kill Scummy Scumxville, he's provoking the felons.
So After a sex scene set to the WORST version of blue Monday, Ever made,EVER!
(LISTEN TO THIS SHIT-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyjNCFje8bc )
-Hamilton orders Vaughn's Truck to be blown up.
You destroy another guys trucks what did you expect?
The former Sheriff Watkins and his deputies shoot up the station as Hamilton's men kidnap Chris' family, as Ray who was on guard duty sleeps through the entire incident. Back at the station, Watkins proclaims loudly who he is. Do you know what would be worse? If the villain who exclaimed his identity was running for Mayor's Office! because that would be stupid!caught In the Crossfire the bar-man tells Chris the Meth-lab is the Mill, Ray proves he's not useless and kills one of the intruders
So Chris makes it down to the Mill and Uncovers the Meth Lab he finds Hamilton sitting all alone, unarmed on the factory floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dddAi8FF3F4
Sure Enough both men are sent through a trap door Hamilton switches from Suave to Ax Crazy with an Actual Axe! In the end, Jay Hamilton is arrested, the Mill is Re-opened and Ray is Stealing casino property and telling gay jokes. Truly a role-model for all policemen.
THIS FILM......IS ALRIGHT WHEN IT BOILS DOWN TO IT!
This not how you wanted this year's 3.X.T.H To end with a average film. The acting is mediocre, I only recognised Rocky and Scumsville in the cast. But it wasn't stupid or offensive(they put Knoxville on a long leash so he's not too odious!) this was just okay. But don't worry mi amigos!, we are not done dissing the Rock, Next month his most infamous film will be finally reviewed next month!
(Master Control surged with power as she raised her arms at length. The Waves of Energy permiated the surrounding areas. It was too much for the human heroes. When 80's lad Woke, he saw Eamonn's arm glowing with The Power. and Joe-jack watching over with his rifle cocked. He handed 80's Lad something)
MY KNIFE! THANKS BOGGER-DUDE!
(Dusting himself off, he Joined the battle to attack the Master Control Head-on!)
ITS UP TO YOU TO FINISH THE STORY!
INSPIRED BY LAST YEARS STORYLINE,5 ENDINGS HAVE BEING WRITTEN.
BY A TALLY OF COMBINED PAGEVIEWS FOR MAY FOR BOTH SITES, ONE WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE OFFICAL ENDING.
GET INVOLVED!
CREDITS
3 Tickets to Hell IV-The Opus Of Blood and Canvas was Written by, as Himself, Joe-jack and Eighties Lad, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With music and clips from In Part 1
Airbourne and Jim Johnston-Turn up the Trouble
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi.
In Part 2
Cena Sucks Rap by Kabal
Knightmare
In Part 3
New Order-Blue Monday
Flunk-Blue Monday
Nostalgia Critic
Star wars episode VI-Return of the Jedi
Behind Enemy lines and the marine are property of WWE FILMS, distributed by Fox.
Walking Tall is property of MGM.
All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respected owners.
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