(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE...)
The Earth is Doomed!
Buying into the Gift of Peace that was given to the planet, despite it terraforming and the land and killing all those there into materials for Colleges for her Brand of Heroes. it was all a ploy by Sabaru, to feast on the fear of sentient life, as her Species of Mara tend to do. Frankensteining her kind in a void into a pathagen that causes those frightened to turn into Monsters. All over the world, People are either Monsters or Sucked into Masses of Gelatinous Blobs that where once 100s if not 1000s of lifeforms.
Meanwhile on the Review side of things, 3 Tickets to hell ends with Disappointing Results, as The Broken Lizard Boys are The serving Staff at The Slammin' Salmon, A High-end Restaurant owned by A former Boxing Champion and one that has needs 20 Grand in the space of one night or Yakuza kills everyone! But not before Salmon kills his Manager for Fucking Up! So Rich Lies and tells his staff that The Champ is Running a competition tonight so he doesn't Die. And that's the "Plot" to the Film, A Staff of servers Undercutting each other to win a Prize Under false Pretences. We also have Rich Swallowing a wedding ring and being feed Laxatives, A chef with anger Issues, a Waitress with a Burnt face, and a Man with OCD, Nicknamed "Nuts" refusing to take his Medication in an effort to win!
We Return to the Story, as the Family of the Pop-star Nutella Played By Vivica A. Fox. (Yes I said something about the name and casting in the last Post, LET IT GO!)
Nutella sits at Tara's table, So Conner flirts with Patty the Receptionist and asks if she will be his plus 1 if he wins....provided he gets the best tables of course!
Tara takes Nutella and her four guests order and they want 5 of the most expensive items on the menu. Desperate to make the money after the champ takes half out for the prize, Rich puts Donnie, the Busboy on the floor, as a waiter. Despite being drinking the Blue food colouring Liquor all night, has enough sense to tell him he's drunk. But Rich needs all the help he can get, even from busboys. Dave has cooked Rich a Lingune Full of Rock Shrimp ("You'll Wanna be Close to the Shitter when you are half way done, I call that my Pants Down Pasta!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!)
In the Deep end, Donnie pisses off Some Bri'ish Soccer Yobs.
And IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!
Meanwhile Guy's now Sworn Enemy, War and Peace Dude is Still Reading while An Obese Family are waiting to be Seated, once more the Scholar orders a drink, some tea, so at least he's paying for drinks! So Donnie gets this table, so he can work his magic on pissing him off!
I dunno, war and peace dude is pretty Zen, Soccer Yobs usually find some reason to cause trouble.
Patty has come up good for Conner, she has landed a party of 6. Unfortunately, it's his former Co-workers, including the one he claimed to have slept with.
Guy feels the Need to go mess with the man with OCD who is nicknamed Nuts.
By the way, Nuts is In last place, Despite all the other men giving him Their tables to help Ryan sweep out his Round Chimney!
Meaning Nuts has Turned into his Alter Ego Zongo which the patrons believe is a piece of performance art.
This puts the dead last Straggler into first place, Amid Concerns by Tara. Spencer Flips off Rich who still has not passed the Ring, until the "Pants Down Pasta" takes effect.
Zongo becomes too out of hand and his Antics now becoming harmful. Spencer is given a Rum and Coke with so much booze, when he see Mia's burnt face carrying a lit Birthday cake decorated with Roman Candles, he Spits out his tipple and burns her face even further, While the other staff force feeds Nuts his medication.
Conner confronts his Former producer about firing him. Turns out Conner was Fired because he was only hired because he was born with a large Nose, that Mr Lobo could write Nose Puns. And what does Conner Do? Blow his First Paycheck on a nose job!
10:25 and Nuts had come to his senses and his shocked to see him winning, So he vomits his pills while in the next booth, Rich finds out how big a 45 Grand Diamond really is when it Gets "Stuck"! Mia decides to endure, now looking like a genderbent Freddie Kruger!
Rich has Finally "Retrieved" the Ring, Sans Diamond. Donnie who's dead last is intimidated by Mr Salmon who is eyeballing him as his next victim ("I'm gonna use your Spine as a jump-rope!") Donnie Runs out in fear but Salmon catches up! Conner meets the actor who replaced him, who has a bigger nose than he was born with, feeling more than a twinge of Jealousy
Tara finds Donnie Crying in the Refrigeration Unit, so she give him one of her regulars. We See Zongo in a dream sequence in a restaurant Serving Kittens, but in reality, Zongo is forcing feeding a man a whole squid with his cock hanging out before Mr Salmon had to punch him out! Rich Plops out the ring, Sans Diamond, but Samara excepts anyway, However being Luvvy-Duvvy all Night with her, Spencer has found out all her Quirks and Foibles and might have second thoughts!
Tara Calls out Rich for being the same Pussy who couldn't stand up to the Champ. There is a reason for this-something they bring up mere Minutes before the end Credits-That Rich is Married to Salmon's Sister and has A set of triplets, who have come to visit-Just Now! Close to Midnight!
AND IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!
Desperate to not lose, the new loser is Guy, who has no-one sitting at his section, Falls back on Underhanded tactics. Turns out Mia's Burns are worse than we thought, as Guy blows into her hair and a Blonde clump falls into a glass of water, staining it with blood!
This makes the entire table of heavy-set football football Players Bailout so Quickly they upturn all the tables in Mia's Section, to get out of there! Tara Learns First hand that Alongside being an Idiot, and a thug, Mr Salmon is a Snake Oil Salesmen, who threatens Punches to Celebs and Makes it up to them by fully comping the meals for free, to win this clientele of Celebrity Fans!
So Lets finish this!
It's now 12:30. And Conner Wins. But in a shocking serve, War and Peace Dude tells Donnie he is Dying and his Bucket List was to Read All of War and Peace in his favourite restaurant. Something that Donnie let him Do, not like that other guy! So Donnie gets the man's life savings of 3,000 dollars. he leaves with sentimental music playing in the background....Until he is killed, ran over by a Green screen Horse! When Rich Announces Tara as the Winner, Donnie reveals he gave the table to her as thanks. However there is a problem, the total is 19, 900 dollars! So Salmon takes the grand of the staffs tips in front of everyone. Rich stands up to his Brother in law/boss and in comes the Punchline: Mr Salmon owed the yazuka 20,000 YEN, Not 20,000 DOLLARS!
THE SABOTAGE, THE LAXATIVES, THE ASSAULTS AND ALL THE LAWSUITS THAT WERE PREDICATED ON THIS COMPETITION.....
AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!1!!!
AT4W - Combine Harvester - YouTube
And so after taking the 12,00 Dollars, The film Ends with Mr Salmon throwing the rest of the cash in the air, while everyone wrestles for the flying notes, as Tara and Donnie are a Couple now who have a romantic Kiss, Until "Donnie" starts to grope Tara, because it's Dave, dressed as Donnie Forcing himself onto her!
 |
| "KONO DAVE DA!" |
BECAUSE RAPE IS FUNNY!
And Because Mr Salmon is a man of his Word (EXCEPT ALL THE TIMES WE SEE HE IS NOT!) And Also Because he Deserved It, Guy gets Punched so hard, he turns into a painting!
GOOD LORD! THIS FILM SUCKS!
This Film is Unstructured, Unmotivated, and just Dumb! Nothing in this film works! The twist that Ryan is Mr Salmon's Brother in law? It should have being half an hour on the story and Ryan's Thread, Not "Fat man eats Diamond Ring and Laxative, because fat people eat will eat anything, because their fat!" But instead, we don't have people to root for, we have the freaks at the Freak Show, arguing about who gets to bite off the head of the Chickens first!
The Characters are jerks and even beyond that all of them are either so lacking in Personality or their Backstories are so Ridiculous (An Actor learns the fact he was solely for his giant nose, and was never told, does he Sue, No! He grovels that he'll get a bigger nose! And that's all Conner's Development!) The Jokes on Body Image, Poop, Mental Illness and Sexual Violence is just Puerile. Michael Clarke Duncan tried to carry this film, but In most scenes, he loses steam very quickly. But I can't solely blame this film's Cast for its failure,
But the Blatant Lies From the Blurb from AolOnline, claiming this film was "In the top 10 funniest films of 2009!" It wasn't? Do you know what was the Funniest film of that year according to Bing? (The Successor of AOL?)
A film already reviewed by me, for not being funny! The Invention of Lying!
The film where Ricky Gervais invents Religion ! THAT FILM!
This is not only one of the Worst Broken Lizard Comedy films I've seen, it's one of the Worst Comedies I've seen PERIOD!
But you know what?
Still better than Beerfest!
AND NOW OUR CONCLUSION.
It had seem like forever but in all actuality, only a week had went by.
Joe-Jack was starting to Run out, Cartridges for His gun, Food, Patience, Hope. Take your Pick. This Enemy. This Despair Pathogen was far different from anything he had Fought and Killed Before. He had starting with his father killed innocent people before, but this was Different. This virus turned them from innocent people into Something that could and Did fight back.
He was Stumbling in a back street when he stepped on a errant rib-bone, weather it was left from a fresh kill or failed Transformation was anyone's Guess.
What Mattered was the bone was stepped on causing a loud snap to ring in the Backalley, Gaining the Attention of want were People know their Corpses rearranged to look like Dogs or extra Limbs, shambled to eat Joe-jack or Convert him into a Monster.
It seemed like the End for him, As a Despair Drone Lunged at him, Only for some Fire that came from behind him to scare the Creatures off!
"YEAH. YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN, YOU PUTAS!"
Satanic Ostrich had saved Joe-Jack. But since Joe-Jack was Heading home to Check on Mammie, The Lord of Sin had some bad News.
The BnB Was Still standing, the Front door still locked. Joe-Jack had hoped that what Satan told him was either a lie or exaggeration.
HE DIDN'T LEARN.
THERE IS NO HOPE NOW!
In the Sit-room, locked by her son to watch tv until he came back, Mammie was exposed to the Newstory that turned everyone. Now hiding under an upturned Armchair. Mammies legs and Torso were seen....Now Attached to a Mass that was once her head , now a Pulsing membrane of Brain lobes and Tumours Moving on Crab Legs, When the Mammie-Drone moved, her Former Body flopped forward or Back like a Ragdoll or a Ribbon tied to a Branch in the breeze.
"JOE-JACCCCCKKKKKK? IT....HURTZZZZZZ!
-oi Know , Mammie, i know!
-HELLLLLP MEEEEE!
-I WILL, MAMMIE I WILL!
(He loaded his gun!)
-Mammie, afore you get up dere, I wantz ye to know, afore Rose In Dat Heaven tells you herself!
HER DEATH WOZ KNOT YER FAULT!
(IN THE HALL, SATAN WAS WAITING! HE NODDED HIS HEAD IN SADNESS, AS THE LOUD BANG CAME FROM THE NEXT ROOM!)
Do you need a minute?
Noah, It's just....oi never thought oi would Eva...
(There was a Sound of Scuttling Legs like that of a giant Insect. There was a look exchanged like Mammie had somehow survived!
Bolting through the Sit-room, they saw that indeed Mammie was Still dead, but on top of the indignity of Mutation and death, Mammie was now used as Bait for an Ambush.
Springing from the chimney flume and upturned furniture, Spider Camera Bots surrounded them, tying them in webbing of Film cells, but surprisingly it had some level of Textile Strength. Smashing through the windows, each of our heroes was put onto the backs of the newly Arrived Camera-Dogs, as were carried off on the Rotten Flesh of the Cyborgs. All the way to their "Mother"
The Heroes College which was once Joe-Jack Front garden, was the Destination. So I would Feel kind off Silly to Just go into all his trouble of Bondage to lead them here.
But That was Sabaru to a fault,
From being A Seductress to a Hypewoman for her Brand of "Heroes"
She Liked Putting on a Spectacle.
Or Maybe the Right Word was Display.
Hurled onto the Floor Joe-Jack and Satan was about to rush their captor Until a Glass, like the one Eamonn Stood in Despondent. Joe-Jack was confused to why his gun was not Removed. Then it became Clear when Ostrich blasted some Magic to No avail.
-I Would Not even try, This Glass has being made With Someone's Holding the fragment of a Devil's DVD In Mind. Eamonn is all tuckered Out Because he tried to Use His Dimension Shattering Punch 5 times before giving up!
-IMPOSSIBLE! THAT THE ENTIRITY OF EXISTENSE COMPRESSED INTO A SINGLE PUNCH!
-DIS GLASS TOOK DA POWA OV 5 EPISODES OF DA BIG BANG THEORY TO DA FACE?
So your Probably Wondering why I did it!
I killed my kind to cause another Extinction What is my Endgame?
But then you all Figured It out when I Said too Much about Eighties Lad.
The Human, In his RAGE, Who Killed The Cosmic Entity Of Rage, And Took His Place In the Game Of Souls.
THIS IS MY PLAN ALL THE LONG!
To Cause More Despair to Take the Pawns out of The Blasted Cosmic Entities Play all at Once!
This Not Extinction .
This is Apotheosis!
-You Can get Tablets Fer that!
-Moron! It means Becoming a God. All this time Going from World to world gathering Power.
( Sabaru Pressed a Button on Console that Shown a Map Of her linear Descent to Earth via other Presumably Destroyed Planet. Eamonn Stirred When he saw that one was "Gorgon Planet" he remembered that Gorgon who Went from Hunter to Frightened Prey!
" You have the Scent of an Apex Predator on you! Doesn't believe her lies! Figure out the pattern before It's too late for your planet!)
So It's now time She said as she Received her Throne. The Mass of Tentacles which came out from her Mouth gathered Further and Larger Revealing Connector ports to the Wires for her Dock, which she used to Be connected to her Dimension and Fake Planet all times, Now This Throne which she Straddled with her Mouth agaped in Comprised Position was not used To Drain the World of all the Despair she caused, all the hope that was not there, she Brimmed with Power as on the Screens the Sky darkened, the Seas grew stagnant. Birds crashed onto Land, Forests Rotted and Weather Subsided. In Some Cities, Buildings Crumbled and a drone which was once a child's Body barked, Under trapped some Debris called out for Help, until some Misshapen creatures all once human themselves pulled the Boulder of the young Mutation!
This Caused Joe-Jack to stir himself!
DO YOU SEE? I HAVE EATON ALL OF MY FILL, AND LEFT PLANET AS A HUSK WITH NO HOPE AND FAITH IN IT'S MISERABLE DENIZENS!, I HAVE TAKEN THE HOPE OF EVERY BEING I ENCOUNTERED. I HAVE CREATED MORE DESPAIR THAN ANY ONE BEFORE ME!
I TRULY HAVE BECOME A GOD!
(Sabaru detached herself from wires and stood triumphantly, expecting to leave her Body behind in this plain of existence!)
hehehehe......
-WHAT IS SO FUNNY? WAIT OF ALL THE PEOPLE I EXPECT TO HAVE AN ATTEMPT ON A HEROIC COMEBACK, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU! SO THEN LET ME HUMOUR YOU ONE LAST TIME, IDIOT, BEFORE I RELISH RIPPING YOU APART!
YERE DA FUCKIN' IDIOT SUBURU!
I SEE YOU CANNOT GET MY NAME RIGHT, EVEN MINUTES BEFORE YOU DEATH!
(Joe-jack Raised his Gun to Sabaru's chest!)
YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! YOU SAW BEELEZEBUB STRUGGLE TO BURN THE GLASS PRISON YOU ARE IN. YOUR HERO COULDN'T DO ANYTHING AFTER HITTING WITH THE POWER OF 5 BIG BANGS TO IT, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR PATHETIC LIL' PEASHOOTER COULD DO ANYTHI-
(BANG!)
(SHATTER!)
(Sabaru, stood there all Shocked, a bullet wound in her chest, bleeding out!)
HOW......DID....I.....LOSE.......THE......GLASS.....WAS.....NOT.....SUP.POSE......
It woz all yer owen Fault, truth be told! Ye Had all da faith in da Worl, that Dis glass wouldn't Break!
"ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD!" Sabaru breathed out, Realizing what she had done!
"SEE IT WORKS BOTH WAYS DOES FAITH, IT DOESN'T CARE IF YA GOOD OR BAD! SO IF YOU REMOVE ALL THE HOPE AND FAITH IN THE WORLD, PLACING STOCK IN ANYTHING IS A BAD IDEA!
NO....YOU LIE.....I....AM A GOD...I'M TURNED MOST OF HUMANITY INTO THE SAVAGE MONSTERS THEY TRULY ARE....I.....WON!
NO YA DIDN'T! WE ARE MONSTERS ALL DA TIME ARE PEOPLE, BUT EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS THAT WE CAN BE PRICKISH TO EACH OTHER, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS AN EVIL SPRINGS UP DESPITE BEING WARNED ABOUT IT FOR EVER, EVEN IF IT SEEMS WE DON'T DESERVE IT!
WE ALWAYS FIND OUR WAY OUT OF DESPAIR TOGETHER!
NOW I ALREADY KILLED SOMEONE TODAY I COULD HAVE SAVED, SO I TELL YA NOW REVERSE THIS WIF DA TIME YOU HAVE LEFT, COZ YE R DYIN' WITH A BIG L, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
....I CAN'T! EVEN I COULD, I WAS EXPECTING HAVING THE POWER OF A GOD TO DO THIS OVER AND OVER!
-That can be Arranged. I'm pretty sure, the Cosmic Entities are not too pleased with a Loophole in their game....
(A Glowing hand pushed the entire universe, the same way a player discards all the pawns to reset.)
All but one who opened her eyes as she was lying on a "Ground"
HELLO? Is anyone here? she Asked as she got up standing in a white void!
Hello. Sabaru of the Mara! said a young man in 3d glasses and Time displaced Clothing.
Wait? I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE EIGHTIES LAD!
GUILTY AS CHARGED, BABE! WHICH IS WHY BOTH OF US ARE HERE!
AND WHERE IS HERE?
NOT SURE REALLY,! Limbo, Purgatory! My theory given that we Broke the rules of the game, We are in some kind of Discard Dimension, while they figure out what to do with us!
And how long will that take?
I Killed Rage 4 years ago, and the reason I call this place a discard dimension Is They used my body to incubate a new Rage in my image and I was sent here. So definitely not 4 years!
.....WE ARE NEVER GONNA SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN AREN'T WE?
-PROBABLY NOT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A FEELING YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE HOPE! I MEAN LOOK AT THE ALTERNATIVE? YOU'RE NOW HERE!
THE END.....FOR NOW!.....THE END OF THIS STORY.....THERE IS NEVER REALLY AN END.....BECAUSE.....YOU JUST ACCEPT.....THAT THINGS END.....BUT.....I WONT....END.....JUST......THESE STORYLINES....FOR NOW!
CREDITS
The Three Tickets to Hell Event Comprising of the Films Contained in Anchor Bay's Comedy Collection was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 4 parts by Eamonn Bermingham. (@RealEnli on Twitter)
With Media from:
In Part 1-Stan Helsing
Stan Helsing
Saturday Night with Jonathan Ross
Phelous and Linkara Crossover the Airzone Solution,
Superman Returns
Ace Attorney
In part 2-Big Fat Important Movie
Big Fat Important Movie
Christine Teigen's Twitter Account.
Patton
The Simpsons
Part3 and 4-The Slammin' Salmon
The Slammin Salmon
Family Feud
Donkey Kong Country
Gravity Falls
Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 1: Sunlight Overdrive
One Punch Man
All Films Are Property of Anchor Bay Productions.
All Rights Reserved.
All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE:
In one of the most slated films in Recent Memory, Will Ferrell Doesn't Play Sherlock Holmes, he Plays Will Ferrell Playing Sherlock Holmes! CONFUSED? WELL TOO BAD! HOLMES AND WATSON IS THE NEXT REVIEW IN JULY!
No comments:
Post a Comment