"This Asshole (Will Ferrell) Keeps Coming in- He Really Just Goes out of His way to Step Over Everyone Else's Effort in This Movie.... This is Amateur Improv, where he just Shouts Anything. If this was a Dude who got off his Nine to Five at Jack-in-the-box to do an Amateur Improv and pulled off Lines Like These, You'd Boo That Son of a Bitch-THIS MAN HAS NO EXCUSE, JUST BECAUSE HIS NAME IS WILL FERRELL! And Hollywood Should Stop Putting Films like this Together, Just because they Got a Big Name!"
-Corey Coleman, Host of Double Toasted.
The Last Time I had Invoked The Name of A More Successful Internet Reviewer, I Disagreed With, and later Conceded to Matthew Bucks Critique of Kevin And Perry Go Large.
This Time Around? There is no Debate.
THIS FILM SUCKS ASS!
So let's Get to the cover.
As you will know if you've being here before, I Hate- HATE, HATE, HATE! White Background Posters of Just People's faces in the foreground staring at the viewer, but this is just as bad. Just to even serve as a warning for the rest of the film, Watson (John C Reilly) holds a magnifying glass to the eye of Ferrell. After all, he's the star Of the Show!
As evidenced by the small Headshots of Rebecca Hall, Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan, and Ralph Fiennes.
And It's Funny they are on the Poster's Bottom, Not because Ferrell gets Top Billing, But because he needs to be carried!
The film starts with a quote-Not one by Holmes or Arthur Conan Doyle, But From Miley Cyrus in an Episode of Hannah Montana.
Best get this out of the way, But this film has 2 Jokes Only, one we get to later, but this film's plot is not a comedy based on a real Sherlock Holmes book, the Plot is "What if 21th Century things and Attitudes happened in Victorian London?"
Something that would be funny in a Five minute Sketch, is Stretched to intolerance for an Hour and a half.
In 1881, Dr John Watson, filled with Shame and PTSD after serving in the war in Afghanistan, was Going to commit Suicide by jumping off a Building until Sherlock Holmes saved him.
(In Reality, Holmes Did not want Watson to Jump on his Prized Marrow, and offered to shoot him instead, to spare the Large Unappetising Gourd, But Watson falls on it anyway!)
And they have being friends ever since....In Dr Watson's mind!
As Hip-hop music plays out ( I Really wanted to put an Anachronism counter in This review But I want to go through it to get to next month's review as soon as possible!) Holmes has solved many Crimes with John Serving as his Assistant and Publicity via his Books and newsletters to newspapers. Said papers Tell us Dr Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes) Has Being Captured. The "Good" Doctor's Trial is today but all the witnesses to his crimes have being murdered under the nose of Inspector Lestrade's (Brydon), the Judge May pass verdict of innocent until proven Guilty, but Lestrade tells the judge he has all faith that before the clock Strikes Noon, Sherlock Holmes will arrive with Conclusive Evidence.
Instead we see Holmes has yet to dress himself and he wastes time by Trying on different Hats.
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| "IT'LL SHOW OFF YOUR QUIRKY SIDE!" |
While Mugging for the Camera wearing a Fez emblazoned with "Make Britain Great Again" Mrs Hudson Brings in a Box which Watson opens to unleash a Mosquito filled with plague was sent to kill them. And it ends with Slapstick that breaks a Conveniently placed Killer Bee Colony Under Glass.
Hey, Do you like Childish Slapstick?
Wait, You Don't?
Well.....
TOO FUCKING BAD!
The Judge is About to Drop his Gavel, But in a rather cool scene, Watson shoots the Gavel out of his hand and the clock....but goes overboard killing 2 men, after last month I'm seeing a pattern of Comedies not grasping that less is More! Sherlock arrives to fanfare, Insults The Lestrades, claims solely to have solved the crime and deduces that the man in the dock is not Moriarty, But James Musgrave, a henchman, who has look his boss' place on the gallows, because he is terminally ill....by Victorian Standards.
He is a Chronic Masturbator!
Or as the heroes put it he is "Romeo And Juliet" as well as a dozen more tasteless innuendo. In The end, Musgrave is found innocent as Lestrade and his wife looks on, tells his contemporaries that any crime Moriarty commits will now be in his head. But Sherlock is convinced his foe is now in America
Oh and don't ask how they survived or caught the killer bees. This film has the bad habit of hand waving away jokes that overstay their welcome, usually without punchline or payoff! Case in Point Holmes just Starts to eat a Raw Onion. Why?
And after finding Mrs Hudson having an Affair with Mark Twain, there is a letter for Holmes. Queen Victoria Requires Holmes' Services.
That night the Queen had sent for the pair.... but Holmes had it sussed that it was a Surprise birthday party, Something that gets the wind up the Lestrades.
A Body of a Witness from the trail Fall's out of a Giant cake, holding a note Claiming That Moriarty will kill Queen Victoria in 4 Days. Holmes in his Pigheadedness, Still Believes Moriarty has Nothing to do with his crime, because he's in America.
And being a Criminal of Great Infamy, He No doubt has lesser Minions, to do his dirty work for him. The fact that a body was shoved in a cake also points to blackmail or some other type of Coercion to some innocent baker .
Cut to the Morgue where after we endure rapid fire projectile Vomiting, we meet Doctor Grace Hart (Rebecca Hall) with Holmes showing all scene his chauvinistic believes come out by not wrapping his head around the concept that a Doctor could also be (GASP!) A WOMAN!
Both Doctors leave their Travelling Companions behind. Holmes is left with Millicent, Hart's Assistant/Labrat who was Raised by cats, and has the mental Capacity of a Four Year old-So imagine that after a scene of Vomiting, Farrell makes us more Uncomfortable by finding a women who cannot consent as "Fascinating"
Slightly less Uncomfortable is Hart and Watson performing an Autopsy to Unchained Melody.
Lestrade had Arrived as both Doctors have revealed what they found- 2 Tattoos on the Victim's chest: a iron cross and the Time 1:20 (what does it mean, absolutely nothing!)
That night Holmes and Watson each have Romantic Dreams of Millicent and Grace Respectively-But For Watson, it becomes a nightmare, instead of a naked Hart, it's a naked Holmes he sees saying in her voice, "You'll never be a Co-Detective"
The Next Morning, Holmes has a Theory that the Victim died from Poison via the Tattoos, but to test that Theory, Holmes has Poisoned Watson's Tea.
So now we are in the realm of Artistic License, as the film doesn't know the Difference between Poison (Toxic when Ingested) and Venom (Toxic when Injected!)
Holmes Deduces that the Tattoos have uneven Quality and Poison gives away the lack of physical strength the person has. As Watson drinks an Antidote, Holmes further deduces that there is only one One-armed Tattooist in London, and that is The Notorious Gustav Klanger of Dorset Street.
As the Carriage Reaches It's Destination of the Red Light District, Holmes warns Watson to be ready for anything (as behind them their driver is robbed by Hookers!) Luckily Holmes,(In his mind) is a Master of Disguise, as a simple fake moustache is enough to Fool Watson. However Holmes is not Done embarrassing Watson for asking to be Equal Partners, as his disguise has his suit ripped and covered in nearly Road Apples as a "Horse-shit Salesman"
I Think this is what Columbia should call themselves if I have to watch more films from them like this!
Blending in By Getting Drunk-Leading Watson to Drunk dial-NO WAIT-Drunk Telegraph Grace Hart, as Ferrell makes stupid faces to camera!
We are Only halfway!
They, the Morning after, Follow Some Tattooed Men into a Gym and into the trap of Gustav Klanger (Steve Coogan) and the real Moriarty (Also Ralph Fiennes). Klanger is more Offended that Noone believes he baked the cake with the body inside it!
What? You are going to say something stupid like your detachable arm has Different attachments or Some stupid shit?
(COOGAN SAYS THAT WORD FOR WORD!)
I really hate that I could Predict something as Mind Numbingly Stupid as that!
So there is only one way out, Fight for your freedom in the Hexagon ring. Which is fine everyone knows That Sherlock can box and is a Judoka. In fact, Doyle invented a Martial Arts for Holmes that combined the two called Bartitsu, So I see no problems....Except it's Watson who takes the Challenge.
So Klanger introduces a giant man pumping Iron called "Braun" and it's actually Braun Strowman from the WWE, before his Mohawk. After a Cameo by Mike and Bruce Buffer (No Relation) the match starts with Braun Throwing Watson out the Ring, the same way The real-life Braun Wishes he could do that Mexicans in his country!
Holmes is Next and over thinks his plan that doesn't work, Until Watson Breaks a Folding chair over his Back! ("THAT'S IT WATSON! CLUB HIM LIKE A BABY SEAL!")
Cornered, Klanger tells the Detective he's being stabbed in the Back by Moriarty, only for him to fall over to show that was literally what happened.
Moriarty Tries to escape as Holmes Plucks the knife from Klanger's corpse and throws it into Moriarty. But it's not him, it's Musgrave again. In his Dying Moments, Musgrave gives Holmes a Clue, a lump of Coal and Instructions to go to Newcastle.
Because he is so Smitten with Millicent, he cannot Concentrate on the clues and as such, Think Both Women have being sent by Moriarty as a Honey Trap.
Queen Victoria arrives to beseech them further as her life may end in two days...Instead they do that Terrible Selfie "Joke" that was in the trailer, Knock over the Queen and thinking she's dead try to dispose of her body before regaining consciousness
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| "Stupid DVD, BE MORE FUNNY!" |
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Especially when Sherlock still can't get that a Woman can be a doctor! So he finally concludes the women are innocent, so he Has No Choice but to seek Help from his brother Mycroft in The Dionysus Club for Awkward Geniuses.
Mycroft (Hugh Laurie, and yes I too see the Irony that Stephen Fry's former comedy Partner is playing the same character he did!) Sneers at his equally arrogant brother.
Mycroft and Sherlock can speak telepathically. when Watson tries it, it comes out as Broken English, so he is Shoved in a locked Room with Companions "Of Equal Intelligence"-A Child, a monkey, 4 Hobos and a Mental Deficient in a Burlap Sack!
Mycroft Concludes that His Brother's moves are not being Predicted, but Thwarted on the fly by someone close to him, Someone who is in physical Proximity to his Investigative actions. So Holmes and Watson go to Scotland Yard to gather all those close to him....and Holmes Implicates Watson for daring to ask to be Co-Detective, falsifying the Return of Moriarty in an attempt to prove himself, including Murder! Naturally Watson is destroyed by this as He is taken by Police! All his friends Betray Holmes as they can't bring themselves to believe it! But Holmes Doesn't care he's Sherlock Holmes Dammit!
Watson is set to Hang, and Sherlock is still the same Arrogant Man-child who can't dress himself!, If Only this means this film finds it Upside in it's last 20 minutes!
(FILM PROCEEDS TO HAVE A MUSICAL INTERLUDE OUT OF NOWHERE)
.....Find it's upside in the last 15 Minutes!
It's the Day before the Execution and Someone has Visited Watson with a Slice of Cake and kidnapped him. as Holmes arrives to an empty cell, He Figures out who is Going to kill the Queen and How. We cut to an Office hidden in the Tower Bridge, As Watson writes up in his book that "Moriarty's Daughter" Defeated Sherlock Holmes and killed the Queen and exposed the detective as a fraud.
and that woman is
Mrs Hudson!
Sherlock Gathers Urchins to help rescue Watson, Summarizing that Hudson's plan to kill the queen to gain the love of the father who abandoned her. And so the coal and The mention of Newcastle points to one place-The Titanic, A Ship that would not set sail til 1912......ELEVEN YEARS AFTER QUEEN VICTORIA'S DEATH!
So let's Finish this!
The Urchins and Americans Attack Goons of Moriarty Dressed as Jack-tars (Included Robert Carlyle's Name dragged into the Mud!) Allowing Holmes onto the Titanic, He rescues Watson who was tied to a gear that was going to crush his skull. Moving to the Deck. Watson uses his own Military knowledge that a kettle Drum belongs in an Army Band and something that heavy will never be in a Navy Event. Holmes tries to deduce but he is distracted by thoughts of Millicent, So Watson just says Fuck it! and throws the kettle drum off the Ship, Conveniently into Hudson's rowboat underneath as it explodes. Holmes gets the credit, but It's Dr Watson who solved the case. And so the Film ends with The Americans Heading Home with Millicent Suddenly able to talk. Sherlock is gifted his Deerstalker Hat and Dr Watson is gifted a Placard on Baker's Street claiming him a Co-Detective. (Though Holmes being a Prick has a Bigger Placard!) and the last thing we see is a Frontier Bar in Wyoming, where Moriarty gets a telegram from the detectives claiming they know where he is. When he looks up he sees them cowboy hats, only to disappear.
You can only dream because
THIS FILM SUCKS!
To the Credit of Every Co-star they are Playing their Characters like this is a straight Production. Even Rebecca Hall, Who STANK in Lay the Favourite wasn't the worst actor here! Even John C Reilly, while this was A parody of John Watson, was an endearing one.
No, Let's talk about The Guy who Slowly turning as one note As Mike Myers and Adam Sandler before Our Eyes, Will Ferrell.
Without the Constraint of A producer that is Not himself, Will Ferrell Runs wild without anyone telling him "No!" Every Screamed Improv, Every Girlish Cry, Every scene that Just goes nowhere, and the most telling thing on a meta Stand-point, This version of Holmes is terrible at the core understanding of the character. The Deductions that Rarely work or in the case of the last scene, doesn't work at all.
Ferrell's Holmes and Watson is like a Watercolour covered in Graffiti: You can not longer Judge the base work underneath, because there is so much Stupidity right in front of you!
CREDITS
Holmes and Watson was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With media from:
Holmes and Watson
Dragonball Z
The Simpsons
Holmes and Watson is Property of Columbia Pictures. All rights reserved. All Media used Belong to their respective owners.
NEXT TIME ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!....
Let's go from Ridiculous to Sublime, one of the sleeper hits of last year, Viola Davis is the Star of the Real life Zulu queen of Dahomey and her all women army in The Woman King!
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