Wild Hunger Part 2- Does the Lobster in the pot Fear the Dark He Knows, Or the Heat he Never meet?
Against his Suspicions, Eamonn Continued to be the Galactic G-man for Earth and the Public Face of Earth's Expectance of Supernational Co-existence. Meanwhile, Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, And as many Harmoniums could left their Service to the Mara without Sabaru Noticing, had created a resistance, they tried to contact Yusef and Oracle in Earth 3 and 2 respectively, but The laws were very clear after Heavenscar: No Dimension hopping! As for gathering Information, that fell flat! Sabaru's office was guarded at all times and her computer was Encrypted with the most advanced security. It only begged the question-WHAT WAS THE LAST OF THE MARA HIDING?
And that also Bugged Satan, what did she mean by "our" plan if she is indeed the last of her kind? A lie? No. ostrich knew her kind was ripped apart in the Cognitive war. a Single male? Then what was Eamonn?
Mara was in her office, her plan was reaching fruition, she had called the media of the world with a great announcement: The demons in the Cognitive realm have surrendered. Their Emissary will like to address their Surrender to the people of Earth and announce their Intent for Peace and Unity!
Expect there will be No Peace. Their was no Emissary, the Mass with One Eye that Sabaru was growing lovingly like a houseplant? Nothing more than her own kind and demons, there Bodies separated at an Atomic Level, only to be reformatted as a virus that feed on Despair. Or turned those who seen it's Image, Into Monstrous Creatures to Extend the Core's Feeding ground. There will be Unity-Only under Despair
(LATER THAT DAY!)
As expected the media of the world, bought into the idea of Peace with creatures from a higher plain of existance. So Sabaru After a Speech. Presented Eamonn and some Of her signees. Joe-jack with Ostrich possessing him was in the crowd. Knowing Sabaru was no Doubt scanning Thoughts for those of her enemies, Ostrich was only repeating one word to Eamonn.
"....BLINK...."
And them It happened, Sabaru clicked on a screen and in what was once a sterile white void was a monocular mass of rotting flesh and Pulsating tendrills the size of a planet, The Message was clear, Do know react to the sight, He blinked. Masses of people in crowds screamed. Their fates sealed. Their bodies Did not create a separate Monster. Instead, Crowds of people just became giant masses of fleshly slime like something out of the mind of David Kronenburg, Who under the stimulus the surrounding screams of shock and terror it's instantaneous appearance absorbed all those close who were showing fear and terror into its being, growing bigger with every being assimilated.
Those watching at Home on Televisual Devices where Not save, as Even Newcasters Screamed turned their bodies into Tentacles that through magic and curses exteneded the Breeding Ground and turned anyone who reacted into massive Kronenburg or a Unique Monster called a Drone.
These Drones Acted like Predators, More Accurately, they acted like Sheepdogs, Chasing untransformed people unwittingly into the Kronenburgs' expanding Mass.
Eamonn Stood there. He couldn't scream.
It would not do him any good!
Sabaru has Won. Her Revenge on her kind's destruction was paid.
HUMANITY WAS NOW MONSTERS IN THE NIGHTMARE THE PLANET COULD NOT WAKE FROM!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Next in our Grindhouse Extravaganza is what may be our Delicious meat in our shit sandwich! A Christmas carol with a Twist. In fact the working title for this film was "An American Carol"-About a Certain Film maker who was acting the Scrooge and wanting abolish the fourth of July.
So our film begins on the day in Question in full swing in a Suburb somewhere in America. A Block party with Decorations, BBQ, Games, all you would expect. A grandpa (Leslie Nielsen) Serves his Grandchildren undercooked food and To spare his feelings, ask him to tell them a Story. So he tells them the Story of Scrooge, but it's not Christmas so he'll tell them the story of "The Other Scrooge" the one who hated the Fourth of July and was also haunted by Ghosts to repent his ways.
The Story Starts in Afghanistan where the Taliban , All named Mohammed and or Hussain (Just so you know, it's still an Anchor Bay production) Elects Shitty LaBeouf to be a Suicide Bomber on a Rickety Push-bike not realising he's being martyred.
The Leader, Aziz, Goes into town to protest when Shitty Dies before reaching the marketplace. But loses his men who want to vote. After all if the Immigration law gets passed, they will let in Mexicans to build Hospitals quickly.... that could blow them up sooner!
....
I RETRACT MY STATEMENT THAT THIS FILM WOULD BE BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE!
The Taliban believe their Message is failing Because their Recruitment video is terrible. So they will film a new one with Hollywood level Cinematography, but no American would ever turn in his Country, Right?
Cut to Michael Moore....OH SORRY! MICHAEL MALONE ( Chris Farley) filming about the healthcare in Cuba, helping 2 Yuppies get free treatment for Whiplash, while the Locals are made to queue and are shot at for not standing (a man in a Wheelchair is Shot to death) He gets on a Dinghy to get out of Dodge, but not before beating off any Immigrants and his own Guests from Boarding his boat.
Malone, Oblivious that his Movie Stinks, tells his Public that he will host a Peace Protest to Abolish the Fourth of July. He Runs the Boy scouts from his office for selling patches for Soldiers, but buys Girl Scout cookies, but they call him a piece of Shit, Neilsen is told by the Kids to modify his behaviour- though all the Talk about Suicide bombings must be good clean fun, Right?
The only people who follow Moore are stupid millennials. Playing the Freddie to Malone's Scrooge is a nephew called Josh who is a serving Navy man who wants his uncle to come to his Fourth of July party. Josh is also the Bob Cratchett of the piece, as he has a Son called Tim, who's "Not Doing so good". Josh is leaving for the Persian gulf so he want his remaining family to look after his son when he's gone!
I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING!
So Josh leaves wishing a happy fourth of July which makes everyone including Michael, Uncomfortable!
Michael meets his agent at a restaurant, who is Struggling to stand by his Client's Actions. It Doesn't help that the film he's making Documenting his Protest is called "Fascist America" ("See, What I like about you, Michael, is your Subtly!")
Just to remind you it was the 2000s that this faeces was Produced, we have Paris Hilton and that Guy she use to Fuck at an Awards Ceremony, Giving out Best Documentary, Which Michael wins, But then Paris tells the Audience the Televised Awards will now be Presented.
There is truth in that, The Oscars have 100s of awards and not all of them are awarded onscreen. Most of them are non English, Niche or awarded to The Technical side of Filmmaking. Let's not forget that as bad as Suicide Squad was, it Did win an Oscar.... For Make-up!
Still I doubt, the Oscars given before the event are not Oscar shaped keychains like they gave Malone!
Malone in the Wings must watch in anger, Kevin Sorbo won best film for his Documentary, about the Klan, "Bad Man is Bad!" It doesn't help that Sorbo is Practically the Most Loved Man in the World!
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| THIS HAS NOT AGED WELL! |
With Sorbo Practically Goading Someone to Film the Taliban, we know have the how and why!
Speaking of, the Taliban has Infiltrated the Awards Ceremony to Recruit Malone, But Malone wants to Give George Mulhooney (Sorbo) A Piece of his mind, But gets distracted because he wants to give any female Guest another piece of his Anatomy!
At home he learns his film has tanked, (compared to other Films that's are not Documentaries running against it!, But this is the Fucks News Entertainment show so I don't think Murdoch has ever let something trivial like the Truth to get in way of a story!) With his ego bruised, Malone takes the Job, though the Taliban will adhere to his Script.
That Night, Malone is Haunted by the Ghost of JFK, He has taken Umbrage with Malone calling him his hero yet doesn't know that JFK enlisted in the army.
Kennedy finishes by telling Malone he will be visited by 3 Ghosts who will make him repent.
Michael wakes from his nightmare to lead a Student Rally with Leslie Nielsen at it again being the best part of this film (" Well at this Rally, it's where People Show How Little They Know, By Chanting the Same thing over And over")
Case in point, The Crowd just Parrots anything Malone says in the Cadence of a Chant, Ending by the Students chanting What does Nefarious mean?
When Malone tells the crowd to Stop Chanting, An Extra says.....Something that cause the Crowd to stampede into school. (Yeah, this film has being dire, even the Post-Production couldn't even write up A subtitle for what he said, even Subtitles can't pick up on his rushed Line Read.)
A Gloved hand helps up Malone. It's the Ghost of George S Patton (Kelsey Grammar), here to Whip Malone's Soul into shape. He had bought the Filmmaker to the Forties when a Student Rally was Protesting the Second World War.
Malone argues that Pacifism and Verbal Agreement can Solve Anything without Bloodshed. To That Argument, Patton shows Quote "That Chickenshit" Neville Chamberlain Brokering deals with Hitler. Hours before the ill Conceived "Peace In Our Time" Speech, But They Ruin it by having Chamberlain polish the Fuhrer's boots which he is playing the Guitar singing Kumbaya.
What I'm saying is not Everything has to end with a Joke, even in a Comedy is all.
Malone Argues that there has being no war, that didn't lead to more Suffering.
So Patton Sends Malone to an alternative time line. Where Slavery was never Abolished, And Malone is a Slave owner to all the Wayan Brothers.
Bingo!
We have a bingo!
Wayan Brothers gave me Shit Film Bingo!
While I get what this film is trying to say, I have to agree with Michael. Yes, Abolishing Slavery was the right thing to do....but African Americans suffered for a century further before the Civil rights movement. A war for a good cause, but in the end, despite the biggest proponent of Peaceful protest being Assassinated, It was Pacifism that Solved that!
Does THIS Version of Michael Moore bring that up?
No. He asks Patton if the rumours about Lincoln being Gay were true!
Patton quelling the urge to Shoot Malone, Brings him back to Columbia University. Where he uses his magic to make the Political Science Lobby sing a Musical Number about them being Hypocrites. Nothing seems to be Reaching the Fat Incel and .....WAIT, WAIT WAIT! THE PROBLEM WAS IN PLAIN SIGHT!
Malone was Jilted as a young man and THAT'S WHY HE HATES AMERICA!
NOT FACTS!
NOT RESEARCH!
NOT THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN PLAIN SIGHT!
No.
Because a Girl Cucked him with a Soldier, He's gonna hate the things he stands for out of spite!
The Taliban tail Malone to an interview to Retrieve Media passes so they can bomb the same news studio.
Every once in a while, This film would have a funny idea- like Radical Christians-But it's Ruined because of a parody of real life Nutcase Rosie O'Donnell and the Sequence ends with Fart jokes.
However Bill O'Reilly makes a Good Point. No-one Believes Rosie, But this version of Michael Moore is dangerous. Not because he tells the truth, but because he tells the crazies what they want to hear.
Malone is pulled into a Studio where the Taliban are Doing Rehearsals for the movie, but are turning it into a soap opera. All of Malone's Talking points for the film are shot down, as they all happen to be movie plots ("All the Great Anti-American Films they've being Done")
That's when Patton Leads Michael and some soldiers into a Courthouse overrun by Zombies, but they are not Zombies.
THEY ARE THE ACLU.
OH GOD! OH SWEET NON-EXISTENT JESUS!
THIS FILM HURTS!
The ACLU Gives a Kickback to a Customs Officer to allow a Jihadi into the Country, only for Patton to kill him. But the plan to bomb MSG Will go undeterred. Tonight Mohammed and Ahmed, will join Aziz in becoming Martyrs- "But we will Be Dead" -So they need a Saviour perhaps they've had one the whole time-As the Bumbling Bombers stare at A poster for Malone's film.
Michael Stumbles into a random garden that turns out be Josh's Fourth of July party. There we see Tiny Tim, who is as lame as his namesake. They are Disappointed the Michael may not look after their lame son, but they reveal 9 more Dying Children who need their Millionaire uncle to Bankroll their Surgeries.
They teleport into a Real War, But even that doesn't move him. But then Michael is outside a Church. Malone enters to see General Patton praying for Forgiveness that nothing is working to Change Malone's ways.
That's when God Bring in a Ringer.
George Washington. (Played Straight with a lot of Conviction by Jon Voight)
In What is The Best Most Sincere Part of this film, Washington tells Malone that he is abusing the Freedoms his nation fought so hard for, He Mocks God even here in this Church, St Pauls. HIS Church. Which is covered in dust.
Washington Tells us that dust comes from across the street.
As George opens the double doors and shows him a World of Smoke and Dust. This is ground zero of the World Trade Centre, Whose to say if the Dust covering him is just that, or an unfortunate passenger or an innocent bystander or A brave first responder who went in to sacrifice his life for what this country believed in. Malone Stammers that He Didn't Do this, America brought this on themselves. Washington shakes his head and tells him when The Day comes when he is Judged. Only the truth will do.
Malone Runs out, actually shaken and into a grave's liberty bell. Stumbling over he sees his own grave! He's in the future as An Angel of Death, a Cowboy Shows him his Future (Apparently, his name is Trace Adkins and he's a Country Singer)
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| The More Observant of you may have noticed the Confederate Flag Earpiece, Which this guy defended. So this Cowboy can ride into the Sunset and Shove his earpiece up his hole too! |
A Future where the Terrorist Won. And Under Shariah Law, all female extras are in Burkas. And Malone in Death is remembered as a Martyr. The Coroners only Confirm Malone is dead because the only part of his body that was not destroyed by the bombs, were his ass-checks!
WE GET IT MOVIE! MICHAEL MOORE IS FAT! CAN WE MOVE ON?
Malone wakes From his dream and it's the fourth of July. the Crowd is waiting on Malone to start the protest. He See Jimmy has already Brokered a terms of Surrender to the Taliban.
With Malone's Eyes Open He uses his Forum to Admit, that there is a Terrorist Threat, though it ends with being being labelled a traitor by his followers and Pelted with Garbage. I say "followers" because they seem very ready with that Garbage.
Saved by MPs, Ahmed and Mohammed Tell Malone that the Stadium will be bombed by Aziz at 7pm.
HE HAS 3 MINUTES TO SAVE AMERICA!
So lets Finish this! Michael Uses his Acerbic Personality to Trick Aziz into revealing himself, Michael points out What Aziz is and MPs Track him down. Mohammed and Ahmed Find their leader, knock him out and Defuse a bomb while making Homoerotic Jokes. The bomb is defused, the day is saved, Malone is redeemed and as such wants to he's Sorry to Josh and his family. As Josh boards the ship, Malone inadvertently kills all 10 disabled children and Josh's wife (They're ok in the Next scene, or at least Tim is! It's just this film's Prevailing Air of Mean Spiritedness) Because in the next scene, the reformed Terrorists are Filming about JFK In the desert. With Malone and Tim as Directors.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
This film was created by David Zucker, Director of Airplane! and the Naked Gun Series
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
While I have to commend Kelsey Grammer and Jon Voight for Acting their asses off, this film is Just not in the same league of Satire those legendary film were!
This Film is just Vile!
Instead of presenting a Strong Argument Michael Moore, this film just makes fun of this weight for 80 minutes! Also this film from 2008 has aged like milk especially when it presents Kevin Sorbo and Trace Adkins as Good Guys! This film with it's offensive jokes, Shoelace cast (The Children being told the story are also used as Josh's children, but the most confusing was using the same actress that was Malone's Former Girlfriend was also his Assistant. It was only when she was called 2 different names I Copped on to what was happening!) and the ra-ra Mentality of "MURICA IZ DA BESTER! ALL DEMS OTHER COUNTRIES SUCK!", It's no wonder this film is long forgotten, except by anyone Unfortunate enough to watch this!
NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOXOFFICE!
How much Disappointment can I endure Next Week as I finish the Grindhouse with Slammin' Salmon!
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