Wild Hunger part 3: The Truth, in All it's Repugnant Glory!
(SABARU'S MONOLOGUE IN GOLD)
"There is a time in a person's life, where that person, realizes even if they had the best intentions, Someone Suffers!
And that's what HUMANITY Had done to Demons! You MADE US! WE ARE AS VALUABLE TO THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE, AS YOUR ART, YOU INVENTIONS, EVEN YOUR GODS!
BUT YOU BOUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES! SCRABBLING AROUND STILL, LIKE ROACHES IN THE DARK, EXCEPT, YOU NO LONGER FEAR THE DARK, YOU HAVE CONQUERED THE NIGHT, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE SEAS AND YOU HAVE DEVELOPED DISTRACTION AFTER DISTRACTION TO NUMB THE FEELING IN YOUR MINDS THAT NAGGING FEELING THAT YOU ARE NOT SAFE!
BECAUSE!
YOU ARE NOT SAFE!
YOU REALLY FELL FOR IT! I'M THE WOUNDED SNAKE, AND YOU ARE ALL THE NAIVE FARMER! I TOLD YOU ALL! MY KIND ARE MARA, THAT I FEED ON NIGHTMARES AND FEAR, AND YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME? BECAUSE I WAS BRINGING YOU HOPE?"
(Sabaru's TV feed flicked over to Images of Creatures, once familiar to our eyes, Now Twisted to Attack all around them, Giant Blobs of flesh, Amalgamated from crowds of People who were infected at the same time by the Despair Pathogen, Shot by the Galactic G-men's laser weapons only to find out that the weapons supplied by The Mara, were ineffective from the start. Gruesome Tentacles grabbed a Soldier Transforming under the Pathogen after losing Hope, the Victim was forced into a Open gash in the Kronenburg, and the Transforming Victim Became Flesh and Boils to match it's captor, What ever that man was, what hopes he had, what family he left behind, His past his future, Gone, his fate was sealed as a Skin Graft on the Ever expanding Blob!
The Screen Returned to Sabaru in a room held by Pillars, under a Glass dome, Eamonn stood Ashamed on what he Did!
YOU ALL FEEL FOR IT!.....This Idiot fell for it....
She said as she walked behind a Pillar "ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED...
(She emerged as Eamonn's Daughter)
AND YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE DO ANYTHING!
(She walked past another Pillar, turning into her Adult Form.)
BUT ENOUGH LIES! IT'S ONLY FAIR I SHOW MY CHILDREN WHAT MOMMY REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
(Sabaru dropped the spell and started to Transform, Her Peachy Skintone, became that a gangrenous shade of blue, with Liverspots all over, Her nails turned black and pointed outwards into Long Talons, her sundress turned into a metal chasis that covered her modesty, though it was now rusted in places, like the hem of her Skirt. And Finally Her face Framed by Frail and Decaying long white hair, her Beautiful face was the Same, until Eamonn realized it was a Metal Mask , Held on the Head by 2 bolts on the Check Bones, And the One in the Forehead. The first 2 Bolts were Unfastening the Lower Jaw by the transformation. The Metal Jaw hung to one side as the Mara ripped it off fully, Her True Jaw, another Writhing mass of Tentacles.)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.
We End our Grindhouse With Broken Lizard, the Comedy Troupe with only one critically good film under their name-And you've all read the title, This film is not Supa Troopers.
We Open on a blank screen For a boxing scene they can't afford, as an Announcer has Declared that Cleon "Slammin'" Salmon remains champion of the world With a Devastating Knockout Punch.
Years later, A graphic Morphs into a Yelp! Review of Salmon's Namesake Restaurant, Which if the over-use of Boxing Puns are anything to go by-The Food is okay, but the portions are Fucking huge!
We Open with a Rich Bell-end being rude to his date and Server. He tells the server, Rich to take back his Date's Sashimi and "Cook it Nice". When the Server tries to explain what Sashimi is, the Jerk interrupts and tells him he doesn't need advice from some loser who waits tables!
Oooooh! Big Mistake, Asshole!
You may do that shit your Greasy Spoon Owner, or High school McDropOut, But this is a High-end Restaurant Meaning (And we covered this In my review Of Burnt) That Servers have to Have a great deal of Culinary Knowledge of the Menu.
So the Jerk throw some butter in Rich's face for good measure. Pissed Off, Chef Dave burns the Tuna and The Guido force feeds The Waiter and tells them to get them Swordfish instead!
To make matters worse the Server comes afoul of the Jobsworth Middle Management who doesn't believe what he's told despite witnesses. The Waiter wants to quit, but Carl tells Rich he doesn't have to tell him, he has to tell "The Champ". The Utterance of Mr Salmon's Name cause fear to all staff in the room. But Carl says he doesn't have the guts!
Doug loses his Courage when the corridor leading to Mr Salmon's office (The Late Michael Clarke Duncan) is laden with pictures of his many knockouts!
Back on the floor, Rich exclaims loudly to Carl he is no quitter, Only to trip over a shoelace, fall off a stairwell and breaks his legs!
It's a year later and through Perseverance, and Possibly a huge Lawsuit that cost Carl His job, Rich is now walking again and is now manager. We also have a new generation of Staff. Guy, a Playboy, Nuts, an Indian teacher who took a second job to make ends meet, Conner, a failed actor, Mia, a Playful And Flirty Ballerina (This scene is nothing but character establishment and Mia does Ballet stretches in her lingerie for no good reason!) and Tara, (Cobie Smulders) The....Girl!
We also have Donnie, Dave's Identical twin bro....Yeah its a green screen effect....A very cheap and shoddy one, even by 2009's standards!
Conner makes his entrance, and we get Plotlines: Guy hates Dave because of his anger issues, so he bullies Donnie for looking like Dave, Guy and Conner are best friends and Conner and Mia use to date!
Conner Got fired from his acting job for Sleeping with his Co-workers, So it eases the pain telling stories of his exploits, since noone believes he was on tv!
Soon A ring-Bell starts chiming and in with Bodyguards and Entourage is Cleon Salmon meeting his Public.
So we finally get to the Plot, Salmon has lost a bet to the Yazuka and Needs Funds to pay off the debt: The Restaurant must make 20 grand TONIGHT! Or everyone is dead! And if the Yazuka doesn't Kill Rich and Salmon, Salmon will kill the manager himself!
So Rich Lies to his Staff that he and Mr Salmon are Running a Best Server competition For Nora Jones concert tickets he had bought for his wife in the Scene previously.
So that's the plot! Given what antics will happen to the food and customers, This film should have being called Customer Service Myths: The Movie!
So Mia uses her Womanly wiles to get "Service" (HUR HUR HUR!) Conner Schmoozes Actors and Luvvies (With a cameo by Olivia "She can't Act as a Complex Character like Psylocke, But at least she can fill out a leotard" Munn!), Donnie breaks a plate and Conner hazes him with Blue lip staining liquor. The Bottle that Donnie is Serving on the dvd cover in fact all the Dishes are On the cover are Plot points!
The Actor Conner is serving, Spencer, wants to propose to Samara (Munn) by Hiding this VERY EXPENSIVE, AND CUSTOM MADE RING! in her Dessert. The plot points on the dvd short Conner holding a chocolate moose and Rich holding the brownies the ring was put in.
(Look up in the air!)
You know, the more I look at the joke, the More it looks like a Bric....
(THUNK!)
There even more to this, if a dessert is ever sent back, The Staff have a full Understanding to eat it!
FORESHADOWING!
Mia has a Hateful Make-out session with Conner, as Donnie asks Nuts why he has that Name, And while it may be a Shortened name, Donnie is lead to believe a story about Nudity, Peanut Butter and dipping his balls into food!
Everyone is having a great service, except Guy, who is serving a Scholar reading War and Peace, and after an Hour, orders "Hot Water with Lemon"
Rich Sees that Despite the Great Service, the Total take So far is two Grand, Service started at 6pm 30 minutes ago and the Yazuka want their 20 Stacks tonight at Midnight. So Rich calls a Spa In Florida that the Champ frequents, (Pretending to be Salmon ) and books His usual Suite. It's now 7:30 and To make bank, He wants staff to sell the fourth Plotpoint item a 100 dollar full Cod. With that, there is now an element of Backstabbing now.
Meanwhile Connor returns to Spencer and Samara's Table and Order of a Brownie is made. As he passes Mia Flirting with Customers, While not happy he does help her. He wants them to work together to win the Spa Break. But Rich thinking its a call back, Eats the Brownie and swallows the ring! Because fat people will eat anything because they're fat!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED
Meanwhile, Observing Nuts' and his emerging OCD, The Med Student Tara realizes Nuts has not taken his medication. Guy uses a Stud finder to detect that the ring is on a slow Bus Journey to Brown Logs Pass if you know what I Mean!
Tara, being a Med Student asks Nuts did he take his Meds he says he has But he has not factored for Daylight Savings (We Are not told Which!) but the premise is that the Dosage he takes (Which he did forget) will not be strong Enough, But Since Connor, Guy and Donnie have to help "Retrieve" the Ring, and there is still a competition at stake, Nuts Doesn't take his meds and takes over their tables.
ONLY GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!
It's now 8:45, and Naturally Spencer wants to Know what's taking His Dessert so long, So Naturally The Soapstar is none too pleased to find out the Manager and the Dumb Fuck who ate a dessert bought and paid for with a 45 stacks Diamond inside is one and the same!
Donnie's constant drops and fuck ups means he's now drunk off the Blue Liquor. Something that pisses of the Already incendiary Dave, Causing a fight between the Actor and a stunt double in a Dubious Quality Wig. Conner in a Veiled message to Spencer that the "Souffles" will be ready in an Hour!
Meanwhile Mia Is Flirting with every table and is feeling good about herself, that she actually does a dream sequence where she can actually do Some Ballet! However even I know, you can only do so much in Heels. The Sequence falls back into Reality when Guy Spills Microwaved Bisque onto her as she Arabesques into the kitchen!
Tara Performs First Aid on the Figuratively, Literally and Actually Red Faced Mia. Who despite First degree Burns, she still wants to win the contest.
Rich has more bad news coming his way, Not only, despite taking every Laxative known to man, The Diamond Ring is still taking the Grand tour of his colon, and stopping to take pictures, here comes Mr Salmon on a horse. He has a guest with him, a Japanese businessman who wants to Franchise his restaurant....into a Fish flavoured Candy bar!
You laugh, But here in Ireland, Denny's sells meat in supermarkets, not in a franchised restaurant!
With her Burnt face, Salmon tells Mia he wants " Other Girl" to serve him and his guests while Dave Struggles to kill a Swordfish Mr Salmon caught to feed his guests and Customers, as Rich bemoans that the Laxative is taking too long!
Salmon goes into the kitchen and Punches the Swordfish to death!
(Then Why didn't he do that to begin with? Oh right to remind the Viewer what happens to those who piss him off!)
Rich has the Numbers for the champ, It's 12 grand with 3 hours remaining. So Salmon gets his staff inside his office after learning the scam Rich is pulling, but instead adds to it, the losing server will be punched by Mr Salmon at the end of service!
Yes, Even the Women, if it comes to it! There is also a new prize 10 grand! (Yes, if you are reading this this Sentence, I see the problem, Too!) He lightly taps Guy with a Jab by accident and sends him into the wall, behind him. ("See? And I barely Touched him!)
With Money and the Fear of Public Death as a Motivator, The Staff begin to Sabotage and undercut each other to make 20 grand in 3 hours! They all use a table where a young couple are sitting and tell the Surrounding tables a different story to make sure "That Hero" gets a bottle of champagne on them- Only for the "Joke's" Punchline Being he's a John with a hooker, so when the restaurant applaud for him, he thinks he's being set up on a camera show and walks off, screaming he can't even get laid if he paid for it!
AND IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!
It's a Two person race between Connor and Guy, with the women racing for third and Nuts dead last!
We have more Plot that's late to the party, as in comes Vivica A. Fox as the world famous popstar, Nutella!
DID..... DID THEY JUST NAME A CHARACTER PLAYED BY AN AFRICAN AMERICAN.... AFTER A CHOCOLATE SPREAD?
Find out how more stupid this film can get,
NEXT WEEK, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!
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