Welcome to the Grindhouse Triple Feature Season 1 Finale of BoggerBoxoffice...
THIS YEAR'S TICKET TO HELL!
It's Being a long time It's Being this format, But this is a return to Roots, grindhousing an Entire Boxset in the month of my Birth.
And This year we are Delving deep, OH YEAH BABY, We are getting our hands dirty and yanking out 3 BIG CINEMATIC CLOGGERS Laying long forgotten down the Drainpipe-Starting with the Scary Movie Series with Stan Helsing
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| (Whispering)"I SEE DEAD CAREERS, WALKING AROUND HOLLYWOOD LIKE NORMAL ACTORS" |
The film starts with a horror chase scene, however it's not real, it's a film being shown for free in a video rental shop...and i just aged myself and everyone under the age of 25 are now sounding off the words "Video Rental Shop" just like Peter Kay's Dad when he was served...
As the Scared Customer runs off Screaming, Stan Helsing (Steve Howey), a clerk and Schtockblaster gets a phonecall and is asked to recommend some Porn they stock. Five seconds in and a dial-out of Stolen jokes that were told when I was back in secondary school, and you now know what counts as humour in this film.
Stan is Told by his manager to kill a cockroach in the ladies room, what happens next is The standard "Scary Movie" holy trinity-Sub par Sight Jokes, Cringe and Racial and sexual Orientation Stereotyping! The last time I did a [insert adjective or genre here] movie series film was Superhero movie long ago on this site, so the standard practice to this style will be new to you, But I will only be reacting to things that move the plot along.
THREADBARE AS IT IS!
Stan Enters the Cubile, and gets pissed on by a Mansize Cockroach.
Before he leaves for a Halloween party, the supervisor asks him to deliver videos to the manager's mother's house. Despite saying no...he does it anyway!
In the van Picking him up are His best friend Teddy (Kenan Thompson), his date for the night Mia (Desi Lydic) and Stan's ex-girlfriend (Donna Biard). Meanwhile back at Schlockbuster we have the arrival of 3 VERY BAD Parodies of Horror villains: Dart-head, Charlie Krew-gar and Schmicheal Smyers, have all come to kill Stan. In a traffic Jam, Stan sees a Chucky stand-in another van, mining a blow-job at him, but no-one believes him.
Naturally the van full of Stupid Mouth-breathers take a shortcut but are Cut off by a truck filled with Hanging corpses, Driven by....Pleatherface!
Teddy Plays Chicken with 2 tricks in hopes off escaping, but as quick as it appeared, they Disappeared, naturally they celebrate by getting high, and run over a dog, as the owner vows revenge, so they get out of Dodge and clearly they don't want anymore trouble, right?
Teddy Picks up Jason, but in a bit of Stupidity reveals that he's just a guy, even though we clearly saw him dressed as Jason, who is an escaped Convict who speaks candidly around his crimes. Butcher smells the Kush and wants some, so Teddy Tricks him into reaching into the boot of the van and Stan throws him onto the road by hammering his fingers with a ratchet.
Stopping at a gas Station, they are accosted about the dog they killed a hippy played by Lucy Lawless. they enter the station and the Native Clerk, recognizes him as Van Helsing, he's even drawn Stan in more flattering light. Mia Returns changing into a Schoolgirl Costume and that causes Stan and Teddy to bust a nut!
Speaking off, Stan Goes to relieve himself but Someone is watching him and getting off on it, It's the Native man, How do we know it's the Native man?
(SIGH....)
Because his orgasm.....Sounds like a warcry!
The Hippie is Angry with the Accusation and yet another party wants to kill Stan and his friends.
So we get some plot from a security man. The Town of Stormy Night use to be a film studio of the same name, where all the Horror Classics were made, But a fire Destroyed the Studios and the town was built over it, However Because people say the film characters got free you should never be out after midnight. Shame despite just being at a gas Station, that the Petrol Would run out!
Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube
The Next stop in our cliched Journey is a graveyard where every grave is dated Halloween and Working at an icecream truck for trick or treaters.....Sigh....Is Michael Jackson. There is a reason I bring this up, Jacko was blocking a sign for a bar.
Inside said Bar is the man whose dog they killed. Leslie Nelson in drag plays a waitress (Seriously Do the Wayan Brothers or whoever is in charge of these films have pictures of Leslie with a Sheep to blackmail him in being these awful films?) Teddie can't get coverage on his phone, as a waiter whispers "they" Don't anyone in stormy night to make contact with the outside world. In the Bathroom Stan is the stall next to Crew-gar and doesn't know it.
When Stan Returns, he learns Teddie has signed up the group for Karaoke, which is a death trap if they fuck up. Only when Stan Mentions his name, he is treated as a chosen one Golden child to save the townsfolk from the curse.
It's now Midnight and town changes from Creepy town to Persona 3. as they return to the bar, all the patrons and Staff are turned into Long dead Skeletons. Teddies Burger Box has turned into a Lament Configuration and Summons Dart-head. The dipshit get a crank call from Upchucky, Stan tries to climb a gate but is electrocuted. Stan asks Nadine (Biard) why did they break up, It's revealed that Stan is so Apathetic that during a date, he lets a robbery, baby to drop, a fire and Mr Miyaji choke to death, all because they were in the way of his food pickup.
They Follow Schmicheal Smyers who has thrown a Body down a pipe, Mia who had thrown her flashlight down a tube goes to retrieve it with Stan grabbing her ankles to look up her skirt, a rat crawls up her legs to give her an orgasm-WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? WHY WAS THIS MADE?-Mia falls as Stan rips off her panties by accident.
In the Tunnel Below there are Living Statues carved into the walls that spit a pencil at Mia (I DON'T GET THE REFERENCE) They run out of a root cellar door after surviving Schmyers and end up inside a church.
After some Obvious Catholic Church Jokes, the Alter Boy tells our Hero that he is Stan "Van" Helsing-a Direct Descendent after all.
Inside a chest are items that will aid them. For Stan -Van Helsing's Jacket and Scrolls. For Nadine-A Mardi Gras Mask. For Mia-A Pair of Stripper Heels and for Teddie-a Product Placement Burger. Given the Racial Undertones of how rude the Alter Boy was, I was expecting him to get fried chicken.
Stan is still a coward and gets thrown out of church. Crawling out a red light district window as they try to escape are vampire strippers. they perform for the guys money until they learn Stan's name, Naturally they get turned off by the guy whose family has genocided their race for centuries. Justified or not!
Then in a park, Pleatherface attacks with a leaf blower to see up the girl's skirts and reveal the alter boy's Cross dressing.
Well Of Course-IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE'S CAREERS WAS SALVAGED FROM THIS 23 YEAR OLD DRECK?
And Don't say Kenan His cinematography has being hit-or-miss!
They run into a house which has a payphone inside. Stan uses it only to reveal that it's a direct sex-line to the Vampire Strippers, who are in the next room-Despite making it clear they wouldn't fuck the guy who wants their kind dead, they don't refuse service!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
Upstairs the 4 barricade the Bedroom they run into room with a bed and Fall Asleep on it. They wake up trapped in a curse set by Charlie Crew-gar, who Bitch slaps them awake. The Night is not over! Oh and Mia has changed her outfit to a Nurse's Outfit because she was one in her dream.
(1) Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube
They turn on the tv and Confirms Butcher is in Stormy Night, after killing a a Bus full of Special needs people-BECAUSE IT WASN'T FUNNY WITHOUT THAT DETAIL PUT IN, RIGHT?
Oh and the chief was Arrested for Voyuerism and the dog they ran over was a local hero who saved children from a fire, Just so if you forgot-Who ELSE wants to kill Stan.
Outside Butcher is waiting for Stan-Stan Sick of all this, goes Outside to deal with it, but the six foot man turns into a kid as the rest of a hockey team jumps out of a station wagon to chase Stan off.
(1) Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube
So Nadine wants to leave so they go into the next room and straight into....A GAY GERMAN HORROR THEMED HARDCORE PORN STUDIO!
Look, can I just get to the part where this just ends?
But there is a reason this is here, You see this studio is the "Manager's Mother" who the delivery was for the entire time, and videos which were never checked via to this point-were all gay porn! WHY WOULD A GAY PORN STUDIO NEED MORE GAY PORN?
There's Brick Jokes and there are People I which were smothered with a brick!
They find a Puppy who looks very similar to Sammy Boy, and Sammy Boy's owner arrives with his revived dog, Frankenstiened and held together by bolts. Sammy Boy Senior has not being the same since being hit. This would be the Best Time for them to use the Burger, the one we know they have, and made a big deal about, But Mia instead literally puts a Dog Whistle from her tits and blows into it to chase him away. she also tells them about a cab phone they keep walking past, but had forgotten about!
They call the cab, but Unfortunately, The monsters Arrive for the final Battle, all of Town are Resurrected to act as an audience for the slaughter.
That's when Leslie Neilson, Shoots a shotgun and tells us that will be settled once and for all.....IN KARAOKE!
NONE OF THE CAST CAN SING!
But Despite Losing, the Monster's Welch on their Deal.
So let's finish this once and for all!
The Scroll (Which is just Fake Hieroglyphics and Boobies!) reveal to Stan that Making Mockery of the monsters will destroy them, He whips off Crew-gar's glove to reveal an Manicure, which causes the townspeople to laugh him out of the bar, squashes Dart-head into oblivion and feeds Butcher and Smyers to Sammy-boy, after blinding their eye-holes with Ketchup, Pleatherhead's Weedblower gets plugged out and Upchucky gets punted out the Door.
The Curse is Lifted, The Four go into the cab, the mask Nadine was given makes Stan Desirable, the Stripper heels get used on Teddie-As the last thing we see is a POV shot of Mia's Actress breaking the Fourth wall asking her mother of she is proud of her daughter playing a strippper in her first starting role!
OH SWEET NON-EXISTANT GOD THIS FILM SUCKS!
This may shock you, but this film does have 1 positive.
Most of the [INSERT GENRE OR ADJECTIVE HERE] Movie Just cut and paste 1 one film's plot and Put crap memes and other References in. The fact there was an idea that a curse freed the movie monsters is a good idea.
But Just as you would expect from these movies-It'll all over shadowed by Offensive Humour, Stereotyping, Toilet humour, One Note, Unlikable Characters, Cheap Costumes, Jokes that go nowhere! (Why was Micheal Myers wearing a Yarmulke?) The only upside is Leslie Nielsen and he's only on screen for a combined 10 minutes!
THIS FILM IS FULL ON GRADE A GARBAGE!
Next time on Boggerboxoffice!
Wild Hunger Continues with the 2nd film of Anchor Bay's Comedy Collection: THAT DURN DIRTY MICHAEL MOORE WANTS TO BAN THE FOURTH OF JULY! WILL GHOSTS FROM AMERICA'S HEROIC PAST CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE? FIND OUT IN THE MOST BIZZARE TAKE ON A CHRISTMAS CAROL YOU MAY HAVE EVER READ-BIG FAT IMPORTANT MOVIE!
AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF OUR STORYLINE!
(Eamonn walked with Purpose into Sabaru's office. despite being told his wife was busy. Neither said a word when they saw each other. Eamonn who was holding a DVD The whole time, threw the copy of Free Man on the office Davenport!
AND THIS IS....
-DON'T ACT DUMB! THIS IS THE DVD THAT WAS MANIFESTED FROM THE UNIVERSE, AND THAT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE IS GOING TO HAPPEN!
"I SEE...." Said Sabaru.....You feel trapped in your life...your new life....The one I has provided you!
-THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEA.....
-OH NO I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND...YOU RATHER BE SLUMMING IT WITH BEEZELEBUB AND THE IMBECILE CLOWNING AROUND SEALING AWAY DVDS WITH EVIL POWER RATHER THAN HAVING PEOPLE ADORE YOU AS THE HERO YOU ARE!
-BAB, PLEASE...
-BAB PLEASE, NOTHING! I WILL STAND BY YOU AS YOUR WIFE, BUT AS YOUR MANAGER I FIND THIS LONG BOUT OF DEPRESSION BAD FOR THE OTHER WARRIORS MORALE! JUST BECAUSE YOU LONG FOR THE DAYS OF JOE-JACK AND BEEZELEBUB AND EIGHTIES LAD, BEFORE YOU PUNCHED A HOLE IN HIM.
-what did you just say?
-WHAT YOU TOLD ME YOU KILLED EDWIN? YOU HAD TO!
-Yeah, I did! ONLY PROBLEM WAS...I NEVER TOLD YOU HOW I DID IT!
(!)....That Blasted Beelzebub!....
So he did tell you something! what was it?
(THIS IS PERFECT....HE'S RESISTING, BUT HE IS NOT FULLY AWARE OF WHAT MY FULL PLAN IS!)
-Oh just the Usual, that "EARTH ESSS MY TURF, BEETCH!" That I have Ulterior Motives, that if I hurt you you'd finish me like you finished Edwin! Noone wants to lose you, that would be Bad.
-I SEE! WELL IT TOOK YOUR TIME, BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE HONEST WITH ME...eventually!
(She rose her chair and Walked from Behind her Davenport to stand behind Eamonn, who had just turned to walk away.)
Well now you know-I always knew I could never Play well with others (she playfully pushes out the door....Now if you don't Mind, this Headmaster has some Head Mastery to do.
She Slammed the door!, The Smile broke into a snarl.
"Yes I am Very good at Mastering everyone Head, especially Humans!" She walked over to her And pressed a button in a hidden interface. The Room went dark As a Projection of a Sphere solidified floating the office. A single eye opened, and darted before staring right ahead.
-WONDERFUL!
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