Ticket to hell: Space Bimbos in Space! Valerian...part 2-REMASTERED

(PREVIOUSLY ON VALERIAN,

....This Year's Ticket to Hell and the first Chapter to Sabotage By Sleep Started by ripping the holy hell out of Valerian, a Pet Project of a Comic no one who spoke English ever read! We join Space-cops Valerian and Laureline, who have come to work on a market planet to pick-up a converter in a heist that's about to go wrong!)

Meanwhile at  Laureline's end of the heist, she shoots a guard with a brain-jack- a device that lets a soldier wearing a visor take control of his body.

Despite the Market being completely Augmented Reality, real buildings hold more off brand shops, guarded by the locals, Valerian sneaks off from the tour tailing 2 cloaked figures, the officer on the inside, Cooper, cloaks Valerian and arms with a gun that looks like a pet-carrier.

In the shop, Jabba's Cousin does business with the 2 cloaked figures, who are Princess Liho and a second Lohrian, so Naturally that means, the Converter is the species of Pearl-Shitting Anteaters! They pay the Crime-boss with a pearl, but there is a flaw in that plan, now he knows the Pearl-Shitter can Shit Pearls, so why would he be content with just one? Makes you wonder if they had being feeding it, at all this whole time?

Laureline gets the Converter, but Valerian pockets the pearl for himself, it sets off the alien dog and it's a disaster, since it looks like a tourist having sunstroke in the real world, catching attention, Cooper dies saving Valerian's ass, to make matters worse, the "Box" has glitched so it looks like a box floating around the AR making him a Target for a Magnetic Ball Bearing Gun!

However the extra weight makes the resourceful space-cop used the box to smash into a sewer into...a toy shop?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVZ2vk3PYPE

So After using a toygun with a real bullet, Valerian escapes by rebounding the magnets on to a bounty-hunter, Valerian finds Laureline who frees his hand from the box, however the crime Lord gets desperate and unleashes an Invisible beast on Big market.

However despite have a brainjacked Gunner on side, the Beast tears through the bus, like it's papier Mache Worst still it attacks the Alex, but Valerian's ship reaches Escape Velocity and the beast falls like Wile E Coyote!

Laureline takes the Converter out and it's a small frail baby. It's Striped so Laureline names it Tiger. She cares for it by putting it in what can only be called a Medical Microwave!

Valerian asks Alex, the ships computer to analyse the pearl, turns out the pearls are rare not just for their beauty, but the pearl-shitters Shit out pearls with a 200 megaton Nuclear yield! And the mermaids where using this atomic Poop to wash their faces! Valerian asks Alex where the converters come from. Alex tells Val it came from Planet "Mule" despite the first scene after the flashback calling it "Lohr"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
....a planet that was destroyed 30 years ago and it's file classified.

As Val once again tries to make Laureline his dance partner for the Mattress Mambo! Alex enters Alpha's air Space, Alpha is split into four zones:

The South- An ocean where Aquatic Aliens farm food and Biofeul.
The North- A toxic Wasteland harbouring Hypersensitive Psychics
The East- A Hive of the Technorganic Species that control Finance
And the West-The Slums where Humanity and Everyone else shuffle around in a smog- breathing sunless pitiful existence!

So at Base, the heroes are told of the situation. On the Bowels of Alpha, trapped Poisonous Gases are Threatening all on board, so under the supervision of Commander Phillips (Clive Owen) the Converter has being obtained to do it's thing and save everyone!

...and create a cast supply of 100s, if not 1000s of tiny warheads. Why hasn't Valerian pointed that out? Just a minute ago a Crime-boss was about to have Invisible beasts kill an entire marketplace of civillians for one pearl? Why never bring that up?

I'M AFRAID THAT QUESTION IS NEVER BROUGHT UP! BUT TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE BECAUSE....WE ARE ONLY THIRTY MINUTES INTO THIS FILM...THAT HAS AN HOUR LEFT!

ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

Ticket to hell: space Bimbos in Space: Valerian...Part 1

Sabaru

It's a word most won't know, but a concept that everyone has felt once or twice.

It means...

Sabotage By Sleep

A feeling that the mind wants to do something that the body can't.

That Feeling where there is not enough time in the day to do anything!

So you just end up doing nothing....

And for the longest time with Universe reset after the events of Heavenscar, that was the case. Heavenscar was gone. the Breach in the Universe that it was safeguarding gone, all the denizens from the other universes, Back to whenst they came.

Eighties Lad....Gone

His Body....Possibly used By Rage til kingdom Come!

So this is where we stand...Square one! with a man down

Sure i Still have the Devil's Dvd Lodged in my Power Glove, Gae Dearg (Which is definatly NOT AN IRON MAN TOY!) And an entire salvo of Earth 2 tech. But we always pulled through as a 3 man team, Joe-jack 80's Lad and I,

How am i going to deal this time

.....when an asteroid is gonna hit earth in one year?

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

Long ago...I reviewed the Magic Roundabout...those who watch RebelTaxi will recognize it as Dougal...a Americanized version with no relation to it's British Dub or it's source material

So how was this possible? How did a harmless French Pre-school animation, become dubbed into A British Cult Favourite with Drug Undertones- to an American Pop Culture dump with Fart Jokes?

It's not hard it's just things easily get lost in translation, and not every piece of media, no matter how good, sometimes never get past the Language barrier.

Case in point- the source Material of this year's Ticket To Hell: The Comic Series Valerian Et Laureline

BACKSTORY!
With an Impressive run from 1967 to 2010, the comic creation of Jean-Claude Mezieres and Pierre Christin, told the story of Time Travelling Space Policeman Valerian and his Time Displaced Platonic Partner, Laureline, who protect Earth's Galaxity Empire, the timeline, thrawt villians, repopulate planets, and every so often, put Laureline in a sexy costume, Just Because!

If the artwork looks a lot like the Fifth Element, Well it's because Luc Besson's inspiration was this series, in fact when Besson's was producing this film, he asked his hero Mezieres to create some of the backdrops and Vehicles

This films announcement was ignored in English speaking countries, but in France, people were excited. After all, this was an IP that spanned 6 decades, that is said to have inspired star wars visuals,that was satirical and telling adult stories to children in a way they would understand, that only now, we are now catching up. It also made real world impact, as Laureline is Neologism in Action, Meaning it's a made-up name!

So with an Adaptation by Hollywood's most visual Director, a film Of his childhood comic, with the blessing and collaboration of his heroes...How could they FUCK THIS UP SO BAD?

So let's dig into Valerian and the city of a thousand planets and find out. This is this year's Ticket to hell!

One issue I have with Besson, is much like Michael Bay, he would spend too much money on effect and hire nobody actors on the cheap...so playing the Dark Skinned rugged Valerian...is Male Model and Pretty Boy Man Noodle, Dale DeHaan, who as a single scar on his Nivea caked Visoog!

Next to him, Cara Dela- Whatever with her hairdryer set to stun! Their armour is a metallic black that gradients into a landscape of the emponymous city in a very neat visual effect. At the bottom we have Rihanna, more on here later, some mermaids with legs, Clive Owen in a Clockwork bib, The 3 SpaceJews and an attempt to market teddies for the kids and space ship, The Alex, that looks the millennium falcon but since this inspired Star Wars, IMMA LET IT SLIDE!

The film starts in flashback in 1975, in the international space station above Earth real-life footage show amercian astronauts welcome Russian Comsonauts after cold war tensions. Cut to 2020 and China do the same, eleven years later India, Saudi Arabia, Kenya, Sweeden and Japan join, docking there ships to the spacestation. When Alien life comes to Earth, many species make themselves known, to the point that the spacestation is now a city of docked spaceships, the sheer mass next to Earth's Gravity is a risk, so it goes into the vastness of space, as Alpha, A city of 1000 planets cultures, a symbol of Earth's peace and Diversity with other cultures.

Isn't that nice?
I sure nothing bad will happen in the next five minutes!

400 years later on the planet Lohr, a tropical planet inhabited by Mermaids with legs. The Lohrians are a tribal race who farm pearls...actually they farm creatures who produce the pearls, these anteaters who shit them after being feed! Just a scene ago we saw Princess Liho wash her face with these pearls!

Well it doesn't matter where the pearls come from, all that matters is someone has invaded Lohr for them! The army led by the king and queen, are just savages with Spears enter the ship, except this is not an invasion force, it's a remote controlled slave galleon!

However the Lohrians have a trick in their transparent jellyfish like heads, they are psychic so Liho transmits a message as a dream to a sleeping Valerian on Holiday in a Yves Saint Laurel Commercial, Already in Progress! Actually it's a holodeck and excuse to put to models in Swimwear. Turns out today is Laureline's birthday and Valerian (Who, in the source material, NEVER had romantic feelings for her) has forgotten it!

So as I mentioned, Laureline is a girl from the middle ages, that saved Valerian when he went back in time, in the origin story this is not an origin story, as evident by this piece of nonsense, apparently somehow, this Middle Age era girl, who probably was illiterate, is somehow a college graduate

Anyway Valerian is bit of player, so since this is not an origin story, I'm gonna treat this film like an extension of their previous adventures, including Heroes of The Equinox, which saw Valerian beat 3 other candidates to Repopulate a planet, so yeah, down boy!

Landing on the Desert Planet, Khimerah, and changing into ridiculous clothes (they look like Backing dancers in a Vanilla Ice Video....to go with Dehaan's Vanilla everything else!) They join a batallion of soldiers enter a citedal to find a creature called a " Convertor"

Big Market is an Augmented Reality hosted in what is really an empty courtyard, which can only be seen and touched by special helmets and gloves- it's an interesting concept kinda like if the Internet had a physical form!

What I don't like is that since this is a Souk on a desert planet in a sci-fi film based on a satirical comic from the 60s means we have white actors in exaggerated and very racist Muslim garb like oversized Turbans!

WILL VALERIAN GET IN LAURELINE 'S GOOD BOOKS...OR HER KNICKERS...OR BOTH!
WHAT IS THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THIS MISSION AND PLANET LOHR!
WILL EITHER OF THE LEADS LEARN TO EMOTE IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO WRITE PART 2? PROBALLY NOT, BUT FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO THE OTHER QUESTIONS...
NEXT WEEK AND ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

TECHNICALLY THE 200TH POST!: THE HOT CHICK!

For Seven Years this dvd has being collecting dust in my wardrobe, Unwatched and trapped in a Prison of Cellophane for nearly a decade. Waiting for it's moment, The Moment a Retroviewer will have good reason to destroy this travesty once and for all!

Seven Years....I starting to make a name for myself in this small circle Of Retroviewers, I had Joined the forum of ThatChavaunistPigWithTheGlasses, and made a lot of friends some who I'm still in contact with since the forum broke down!

Seven Years....and My last post was my 199th
I think a milestone is a good reason to to this

This Imfamously bad film, has a Equally bad Cover, This Film has Rob Schneider in a position that only Adam Sandler's Man-Bitch could find himself when begging for parts...BUCK NAKED!

Save the Bottle of Brain Belch for After the Film, there is a lot of Vomiting inducing moments to get through!

The Film starts by breaking out that Touchstone/Disney/Nazi Rat Money With some elaborate Setwork That shows ancient Abyssinia, 985 B.C.

A Princess is  Arranged to be Married to a Warlord, Until her slave Percures a Pair of Teardrop Earrings that they each wear in one ear.

Of Course!

They are Going to Perform A Fusion Dance and Fight their way out!

Of Course Not!
But the Rings are Magical, The Princess and Slave switch Bodies, The Princess has her Freedom and the slave is Set for life so win-win!

Though Because Sandler writes script using The Audience are Idiots Trope all that happens in that their clothes change! How very unfortunate!)

We Cut to Modern Day California and a high school prep rally With Every Tired High school Trope, The mean Cheerleader, The Nasty Prank On A fat Girl, The Bullied Nerd, The Ghetto Ratchetts (Played by Tia And Tamara Mowry, whose careers were killed so bad by this film, they are still doing kids shows!), The Velly Ah Shawn, And the Goth Chick

The mean Cheerleader is Jessica who naturally Uses her looks to get her way, So that means she and her friends are on the mitch from classes, and it seems that a rival group of whores had the same idea, They Insult each other until Jessica has the last laugh by planting clothes in Jessica's bag!

An African Giftshop has just opened and after your pre-requisite Cameo by Daddy Sandler, The Shop is the framing Device to how the Earring end up in Modern America, Jessica Steals the earring when she is refused Purchase (so Why even have them on the counter and not in a Window Display!)

At The same time a Lowlife thief (Schneider) is robbing a petrol Station when Jessica's car drives in, During meeting each other Rob Inadvertently gets possession of one of the Earrings.

Jessica Goes home to see her Annoying Little Brother, Booger in her room, but before she throws him out see notices his black eye and asks how he got it?

Maybe Because Mommy has Nine Months and Still named Him "Booger?"

So after Cockteasing her boyfriend, Schiender is in his hovel, putting on the stolen earring. When Jessica wakes up, she is still at home, but in Rob's body!

And oh boy, is camp crossdressing Schnieder going to haunt my nightmares! The only Mercy is that he'll haunt all yours too!

Now in a man's body, Jessica has to steal clothes from Dad, and we see what we are dealing with, when Booger is too stupid to recognizes a man not his father!

So Despite Giving her best friend info only she would know, Jessica is sprayed with pepper spray and tumbles down a flight of steps...fir Funnehs!

So after a long, uncomfortable montage of Rob cleaning himself with feminine products, April is finally convinced and covers for her disappearance, because both are too stupid to buy razors, They try to deal with facial hair with hot wax.

Later at a ski lodge, Jessica calls her boyfriend Billy, but since it's a man's voice we get a Catholic Priest joke! BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!

The next day the other Bitches try and figure out what happened...and the best they think of is School prank! Keep in mind all 4 met ManBitch 2 days ago,...AND NONE OF THEM RECOGNIZES HIM!

This is when the girls have a pillow fight that gets out of hand, that's right it become Male on Female Violence...Played For Laughs! WELL MAYBE SANDLER FOUND IT FUNNY, BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!

The next day Jessica tries to return to her house Until her father thinks she is the new gardener. Rob's response "Si!" WHAT'S SPANISH FOR BECAUSE SANDLER FILM?

Under the guise of Tacito, the Whitest Gardener in All of Meh-Hi-Ho Stuggles to do Yardwork, even through she could just leave it alone and go to her room!

So Tacito and Dad share beers, and fartjokes (Because Sandler Film!) Turns out the marriage is not as stable as Jessica thought!

BUT NEVERMIND THAT SHIT!
Let's have Dad show his daughter (who, is in the body of stranger , by the way!) His dick and brag about how he used to fuck her mother!

More home Truths. Booger is a nine year old Cross dresser, so don't expect any heartwarming or accepting moments in fact it's all a set up for one lame joke during a Chase scene in the finale, Booger trips over his high heels!

So the Bitches accuses the fat girl and the goth girl for turning Jessica into a man. Goth Girl only fuels the stupidity even if she is half right about the spell being African in origin and how a voodoo practitioner would have a scorpion tattoo, turns out the rival cheerleader has a scorpion tattoo and they track her to a Nightclub!

Cue Another Uncomfortable montage of ManBitch getting a makeover. Jessica is a lost cause, but feels good enough to blag free lunch from male servers- it doesn't work!

Cut to Nightclub scene with has being with all of Sandler's world view all over it- A Nice Guy thinks Rob pulled all these girls, a black man wanting to fuck a fat white girl, and of course a Homophopic Barman

Let's finish this scene quickly to move on to real plot- they find Bianca with the intention of exposing her tattoo that ousts her as a witch, they have a dance off and end up stripping her of her shirt revealing no tattoo, and they just wrote this scene just so the male audience can see a teen actress' bra!

Ugh can we just move along I'm getting uncomfortable!

After a "Delightful" scene where Jessica uses an urinal for poop, the Nice Guy calls him a pimp and her friends, leading to a fight that make West Side Story look like Warriors!

Monday at school, April finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her. The bitches have the great idea that the body of a felon should work as a janitor, So When the School asks Jessica for a Fingerprints, just know, ONLY GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS!

We now see Jessica's body...in a cheap joke about Tampons!

BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!

Under the guise of Taquito, It seems Booger had worked out Everything!

So we are FINALLY getting some leeway, they figure out it was the earrings but more bad news, the earrings are not together by the next full moon, the curse is permanent. The girls put up posters and Jess confess her love to Billy though still in a man's body

The principal gets a fax on the identity of Jessica's body, 1 hour in a 1 hour and 30 minute film we learn ManBitch's name is Clive...but it gets worse...Jessica's mother has falling for Taquito and tries it on with him it leads to both of Jessica's parents have wild sex in the bath!

Meanwhile, Clive in Jessica's body, comes across Billy, who still not believes, gives Clive his car, Clive loves this development of being an attractive girl gets you anything you want

It's the day of the Cheerleading competition and- OH NO! WE ARE DOING THIS SCENE NOW? THEN THAT MEANS!...

Yes, Schnieder in a dress but he's dressed as a mascot, and even though the mask fell off, Bridgetown still win, never mind getting disqualified, until Billy leaves with Bianca ...it gets worse Fat Girl learns on the news that Clive is using Jessica's body to lure and mug Johns

It's the night of prom which Trope Law dictates means this film is nearly over!

The Principal gets the Police Fax, Fat Girl investigates the alley shown in the news and finds a matchbox for a stripclub, April and Jessica "date" online for April to confess her to...Jessica? Clive? Jessica in Clive's body? Anyway the cops arrive but Fat Girl distracts them Everyone convines to the strip club where Clive is using a underage girls body to make money, Jessica's gets the earrings back in a fight, the body swap puts Jessica in the tux and Clive in Lingerie, Clive is arrested but escapes, but is picked up by the Homophobic Bartender, who locks his car-doors and smiles wickedly, Because Rape is Funny when 2 men do it!

This film is torture!
There is nothing redeemable about this film!
The characters are one dimensional stereotypes, the plot meanders from uncomfortable situation, to uncomfortable situation, the actors never appeared on anything else except other films involving Adam Sandler, as it working with Sandler is treated like a Scorched Earth policy to save other actors! If you felt anything else but disgust that a married man wrote a male consciousness force the body of An UNDERAGED! Girl! Into a sexworker, then you are a sick person!

Credits!
The Hot Chick was Reviewed Compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media from:
The Hot Chick
Grown Ups
One Punch Man

The Hot Chick was Produced By Happy Madison Productions, and Distributed by Touchstone!

Next time!
It's the ten Mile stare in 2 different directions...IN SPACE!
Ticket to hell returns with a wild ride with Valerian and the city of a thousand planets!

CODE LYOKO: RETURN TO THE PAST NOW: EPISODES 57-58: YOU SAY YOU WANT A RESOLUTION

(APOLOGIES FOR SPELLING MISTAKES, TYPING IN GLOVES IS HARD!)
We Open the penultimate 199th post on my blog with The episode-Aelita-Which is pretty heavy so, fair warning! It starts with Aelita's first day on Lyoko the minute after she is digitized, Her father, Franz Hopper, follows suit but he has no Physical form. Aelita turns to see The Kankerlauts and they fire on her until she finds Sanctuary in a Tower. This is a dream that Aelita is having during class and she is caught. Aelita has a thought and she shares it with Jeremie: what if her father is still alive on Lyoko? Jeremie dismisses it because for all intensive purposes Franz passed on all his life force to a dead Aelita, Jeremie is being harsh in this episode, But After Odd finds Aelita Crying in her old room in the Hermitage, he understands: Sure Franz invented a Digital Terrorist and abandoned Aelita with it in a virtual Prison for 15 Years, but he is still her Father and she still needs to grieve, After having a second Memory of Franz Trying to call a truce with XANA, only for the Hoppers to be Attacked, leading to Franz deactivating the Supercalculator and freezing everything in time, Though Aelita would still age but at a fraction being 9 and physically 12 upon reawakening in 2003.

Xana launches a attack on the mountain Zone, Not knowing Odd and Aelita are in Carthage where they uncover XANA's real plan to destroy the Key Sphere again! Jeremie is angry at first, But after a successful mission, He finds something in the Virtualization Logue he didn't expect, Franz' DNA Sequence: Aelita's father is Alive

So with that revelation, You would Think the next episode is going to springboard from that twist, right? No instead we have Johnny the Creepy friend of Hiroki acting out on his Crush On Yumi by stalking her, all because Ulrich is a petty Jackass!

The Pretender opens with Johnny asking Ulrich in the Changing room about how to talk to Yumi, Ulrich being a Bellend about the break-up tells Johnny to follow her Everywhere, It ends With Xana Possessing Crows to Attack her, But Now before the others spot the Birds and Odd quipping it reminded Odd of a horror movie, but it wasn't that Scary-I know he meant The Birds, but what if he meant....

In A horrific Attack, Yumi is brutally savaged by Crows, Johnny saves Yumi by getting Jim and Mr Delmas, who answers her Mobile When Jeremie calls her, Forcing Jeremie to Launch a return to the past today or Would if the crows didn't sneak into the factory.

On the Desert Zone, the episode's Subplot of One-up-Man ship between the boys has Left Aelita Under control of XANA again, with Jeremie Unconsious, Odd has to be Mission Control and makes a Balls of it, even with Jeremie regaining Consciousness, Aelita has being forced to Delete the Desert Zone made worse by Jeremie forced to make XANA stronger to keep the mission secret!

HOWEVER! We will be back in Lyoko in July once more because next time, we have the 200th Post and  I need to Brace myself!

CREDITS
Code Lyoko is property of Moonscoop
Birdemic is Property of Moviehead Productions
The Hot Chick is Distributed by Touchstone Pictures