TICKET TO HELL 2026: RED NOTICE PART 3

THIS POST IS A CONTINUING REVIEW OF A 12 RATED MOVIE, THAT STILL HAS INNUENDO AND VIOLENCE, BUT ALSO SCENES AND DISCUSSIONS OF ANIMAL CRUELTY AND MENTIONS OF RACISTS AND RACISM, AS SUCH CERTAIN WORDS WILL BE EDITED AND CENSORED, AS OF GOOGLE'S TERMS OF SERVICE!

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!)

(The Bounty Hunter who kidnapped Eamonn, Herr Doctor, is Dead! He was killed by Chesed, who in her transformation from Sentient Relic, became a biomechanical God. 

In her Malfunctioning mind, The Essence of Kindness reverted to her Base Emotion over her Duty, and was using her new powers she stole from Sabaru's blood, to curry favour with humanity by seeing our Greed over land and resources and deciding that can we reversed...by having a second Earth crash into the planet! While all the Superpowers war over the resources they don't have, They fail to see the danger of either Collision or Temporal Erasure. When Herr Doctor was going to killed by being shown the world without him, if not for The Outlaw, who shot him! Then, as expected, "Death" left when things went south for him, he refused to help in what will happen next!)

Meanwhile on the review, we have being going through the infamous RED NOTICE! AKA THE GOLDEN EGG FILM, Rocky's terrible film that has him playing a framed FBI Profiler, John Hartley, who after foiling his nemesis, Nolan Booth (Ryan Reynolds) in stealing the Golden Egg of Cleopatra, has his life and career removed from the Wiki by the dastardly Mastermind "The Bishop" (Gal Gadot) who manipulates them in an offer to work for her to steal the other golden eggs, which they refuse. And when we left off, we are in a masquerade ball of a Spanish Weapons Dealer named Sotto Voce, the current incumbent of the Second Golden Egg. And right now the Bishop is about to seduce the info out of the arms dealer.)

But Agent Hartley won't even let "The Bishop" get to the Slap and Tickle part of her plan, as Voce falls for the Ole-Bump-N-Rob Trope (Can't go wrong with the classics!) as Booth walks past to get to Hartley, we see that he doesn't-Agent Das (Ritu Arya) in Disguise. 

While Busy monologuing to his guests and (Turning from Spanish ESL actor To Sounding like Ian McClennan before our very eyes!), the Bishop is distracted by an over-acted scene between her two marks. Booth hacks the system but he and John only have 45 seconds-and despite Nolan smashing the glass that has Sotto's fingerprints on it by running into Hartley, they break into the vault, but the silent alarm goes off!

That's when Das reveals herself. At Gunpoint she gives Hartley an Ultimatum: Arrest Booth, or turn themselves both in! He feigns putting on cuffs on Booth, then proceeds to kick away Das' Gun. before high-tailing it into the vault and closing the Door.

They Approach the egg, only for "The Bishop" to be there Already- How was she able to get in here and not trip any alarm?

So Anyway Fight scene, The two action stars smash glass, while the comedian can't smash glass at all for what was suppose to be for HEE HEE, HAA HAAS!

I'll Save you 3 minutes by Dilating time to the first of many stupid twists-The so called twist of the Bishop working for Sotto Voce, which is why she can pass without tripping security-Because she IS Security. The scene ends with a fade to black timed to when the two Americans being knocked out by being pistol whipped!

We cut to the catacombs below a Bullfighting Ring where John and Nolan are tied to a vertical pole-Because we need to remind the American audience where we are, and Credit where it's due, Valencia is actually famous for it's bullfighting, rather that just using it as a catch-all Spanish Culture Trope-Though it is a dying Culture and Provinces are following the Canary Islands example of legally Banning  the Bloodsport.

So the plan is torture Hartley to make Booth talk, But since the writers cannot give Booth any Motivation other than "Hom****tic Comic Relief" he keeps spouting unfunny double entredres while the Bishop plans to do something unsavory with a Car Battery.

After Shocking Hartley's Nipples, Booth remains Schtum. Not even when the Bishop "Fries Rocky's Sausage!" (And even more Torturous, Gadot Singing "Downtown!") It's only when Soto starts Choking Hartley, is when Nolan Breaks-The Third egg never left Egypt-It's still Buried in the Hidden Tomb of Cleopatra. And here is the thing that destroys the entire plot to this film, this one line by Gadot.

"HE IS NOT LYING. I HEARD THERE IS A SECRET ROOM IN THE TOMB AND I KNOW WHERE IS IS!"

(HEAVY BREATHING......)

IF YOU KNEW WHERE IT WAS,WHY DID YOU NEED TO RUIN THE CAREER OF A FBI AGENT AND MAKE A DEAL WITH YOUR DIRECT COMPETITION? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET SOTTO VOCE TO RUB OUT BOOTH IN ROME WHEN HE STOLE THE FIRST EGG, IF YOU ARE IN THE BED AND BANKROLL OF THE GUY WHO OWNS THE SECOND EGG? WHY ARE YOU NOT IN EGYPT RIGHT NOW! IF YOU ALWAYS KNEW, WHERE THE THIRD EGG

ALWAYS.

F**KING.

WAS?

AAAARGH!

So to celebrate The Bishop pours her lover some Definitely NOT poisoned Champagne and Voce dies like an Idiot in What Nolan calls "Heist Film Amateur Hour"

HEY! You Cannot be Both Stupid and Self Aware! That's against the Rules!

After beating up a Guard and stealing the 2 golden eggs, the two Americans are still bound at a pole, Voce is not dead, But the gangster with a Napoleon Complex, still dizzy from Hollywood Dr*gs shoots the pole before passing out for good!

The Gangster Missed Every Shot But One, a Shot that Smashed Hartley's cuffs. Booth pleads that he wants to be freed, but John is p*ssed about getting tortured.  That's when Booth reveals he lied to the Bishop-The Egg is not still in Egypt,  because that would be stupid-And that's me saying it, not the characters in the film. John doesn't care about the egg, he just wants The Bishop arrested, but Nolan says too bad, when she Realised she's being Sold a Bill of Goods-She'll come for the egg. So they Need the egg to get to the Bishop.

So they crawl into the Bull Ring and into the view of a green screen Bull. In fact, they just Google mapped the interior of the Valencia Bull Ring, Admittedly one of the few Cities that has year long Bull fights, But the scenes where we are to believe both actors and the Bull are in the same place look as phoney as a Football-Bat!

Stowing away on a train, riding the rails after running for their lifes, Booth still has to the Cryptic And Annoying Jokey Character when John asks him where the last egg is. So John pulls Booth's head put of the moving train to get a straight answer out of him. As a certain Vampire once said...

"I Have No Time for Your Quirks!"

But Booth knows he's not going to be turned Human Graffiti because Hartley is too much of a Goody Good! That's when John exposits on his father-A Conman who abandoned him "Your Dad was a cop, so you became a Crook, my dad was a Crook, so I became a Cop!"

....And Together we can be Justice!

Turns out Booth left out important information in his Backstory-The Reason his father got so uppity about his watch being stolen is that Nolan's father was obsessed with Finding secret N*zi Gold Bunkers in Argentina, The last time the world saw the Third egg of Cleopatra, it was in the hands of H*tler's Art Appraiser, Rudolph Zeich, who hid the Coordinates of the location on the face of a watch. A Watch his father bought in an auction as a quest to find the treasure, a watch his father loved more than his son, A stupid watch that didn't have the right numbers. A watch Booth smashed in his rage after his father passed to even learn this.

So Johnston lets Reynolds onto the Jumanji Set to film a jungle scene, to save money. After the Clichéd "I Had The Map Upside-down" bit, Hartley throws the compass he was holding onto the jungle floor in annoyance, which makes a loud "CLANG!"

They Dig in the dirt and uncover a Certain Symbol. Twisting a valve they uncover a spiral staircase. Using the watch which Nolan had fixed they open a magnetic Lock to a vault filled with long lost Treasures from all over. We get Hartley and Booth setting up both Chekov's Car and Chekov's Copper Mines. They find the egg but Nolan immediately drops it-Because the Comedy Writers have no self control even for the main plot!

That's when the Bishop appears from nowhere. And you are probably wondering how she figured out Nolan lied to her and how she found the Bunker without the Zeich Watch or come here without giving it away that they were being followed!

.......

So Anyway!

If that wasn't enough, Interpol are here too! And they start shooting up the place. So the three fugitives take the Death Wagon they set up last scene (Aren't you glad they found it?) To escape down the mine shaft in the Predictable car chase scene, that ends with a Cave Behind A Waterfall, Das looks out, convinced they are all dead, but Sadly Nolan surfaces with the egg, but there is no sign of Hartley. Booth has grown a Consiense and tries to find him in the water,  but Hartley is already on land! HOORAY!

But so is the Bishop-BOO!

Nolan Gloats to the Bishop, And Hartley Arrests Her with 18 minutes of run time to spare.

IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF THEY ADDED A TWIST SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID AT THIS POINT OF THE MOV-

OH F**K RIGHT OFF!

So...Say hello to John and Sarah Hartley...AKA "THE BISHOPS" They had setup Interpol and Booth from the start to have each other at their throats. Every fight-choreographed, every word to each other-filled with double meaning. Even the Torture, though real, was the only way Sarah could pass the key to John's Cuffs. When Booth is Cuffed to a tree, he asks John if everything was a lie, John says not all of it-His Dad is a Con artist and he does hate him, but only because he can do better than him! And Now he's off to Egypt to gift the eggs to Nolan's Client to take the Credit from the crime boss on the night of his Daughter's Wedding and Politically announce his Divine right To rule.

And Soon, a Lavish spectacle is given in Cairo, as the 3 eggs are put on display-Only for the bride Not to care-Ed Sheeran was hired to be the wedding singer and the Nepo-Bride couldn't give a monkey's about Father's Maxie Zeus Style Delusions. However, it was a Set-up by the Hartleys as they watch all this whilst posing as guests, to have Interpol arrest the Crime Boss finally through legal channels, as the third Egg is Now N**i gold and illegal to possess. Soon the Crimeboss, Cleopatra and Ed Sheeran are arrested, 

Especially when Sheeran did a Jeff Jarrett and hit a cop over the head with a Guitar when he learned he wasn't getting paid!

Six Months later in Sardinia and the Rock and Gal Gadot are in Sexy Swimsuits being a Sexy Couple in a boat, when they return from their swim, Booth is aboard. He reveals his own M Sh*te Sh*ttyfilm twist-He was arrested by Das, escaped custody, but found Hartley's joint Cayman Island Account which he gave to Das who has Frozen the Assets of. But he has a Deal of his own...the Worst Thing Possible...Sequel Bait!

And So, the film Ends With our 3 Idiots Line Walking towards the Louvre, For the Sequel that has already being greenlit-FFS!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Forget WWE'S Involvement, This film was destined to tank hard!

Gadot and the Rock are such Black Holes of Charisma, It means Reynolds has to overcompensate for them, by turning up Bad Qu**rcoded dialogue to almost "Carry-on" Film levels. The amount of twists in this film made this feel like the Heist Episode of Rick and Morty, but without the self-awareness of it was made by people making a point we are all sick of heist movies. Of Course since this was Produced by Seven Bucks, Johnson had to the Executive Producer so he had to make himself look cooler than everyone else, and making him the focal point to the film's plot and progression-something I never seen in a Mcguffin film!

In short WWE Shouldn't be blamed for Torpedoing this franchise.

THEY DID A FINE JOB OF IT THEMSELVES!

CREDITS 

Red Notice was Reviewed Compiled and Edited into 3 parts by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from in part 1:

Red Notice

WWE 

Slim Jim (This Post is not Sponsored!)

Figure four Wrestling podcast

Army Of The Dead

Wikipedia 

Star Trek Deep Space Nine

In Part 2:

Dracula Flow

Dragonball Z and Dragonball Z Abridged 

Red Notice 

Elio

And in Part 3:

Power Rangers Super Megaforce and History of Power Rangers

Buffy The Vampire Slayer 

Atop The Fourth Wall

Red Notice

The Angry Joe Show

All Media used belong to their respective owners. All rights Reserved. 

Red Notice was Produced by Seven Bucks Studios For Netflix. 

NEXT TIME! ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

Earlier this year we did the best of 2025, so it's only fair the next 2 films are the worst of last year, July will see Madame Web get hers. But not before we see a Video game warning us about Corporate Greed and Stupidity, get it's Film Adaption ruined by Corporate Greed and Stupidity! As in June I review Borderlands!

AND NOW THE FINAL CHAPTER TO THE TWO DEATHS OF E!

THE FINAL CHAPTER PART THREE 

What once was Whole, now flown Apart! 

Not dwelling on the escape of the Outlaw, all the remaining heroes and villians drew their weapons to deal with Chesed. However those who encountered the Cosmic Entities before were worried. After all, Gods they maybe, but they were first and foremost, Children with no pertinent Skills or Combat experience. 

Then there was Edwin and Sabaru. 

Edwin killed Rage years ago and was now it's unwilling Vessel, the Frustration of Eamonn sparing Increasingly stronger foes and it's influence, turned What was once a one note character into a vengeful weapon maker with a sick sense of humour. 

Then there was Sabaru, who unlike all the villians Eamonn Fought, actually won! In a plan that was years in the making, Sabaru avenged Demons by creating a faux Heroes league, using gaslighting and False Drama to stockpile negativity to the final plan, executing a defeat of her heroes at one time to create a fear so potent, those who lost faith, became monsters, and virulent agents to spread more despair.

And would have remained Victorious, had Sabaru choose her words carefully. But I suppose saying you have "All the Faith in the World" in something when your plan is to remove hope and faith, was one hell of an oversight. 

And her being Outsmarted by Fecking Joe-Jack will never not be funny!

Then there was Yusef.  Sure, he was heroic as the day is long, but still a mercenary. Though he wanted to return to his Earth...even it was a Dystopia.

Eamonn also didn't want to admit that our world can lean towards that any time soon!

Why Do you want to Stop me? Chesed Said with an added sugary tone. It didn't match the arrogant words of someone who claimed to have Humanity's Best Interest at heart. 

Don't you see? I am providing you with the Solutions. More Fields for the Starving! More shelter for the Homeless!

...More Oil for the Greedy! More Displaced People for Exploitation! More countless, pointless Deaths to appease the False God who wants to rid the world of Pointless Deaths! 

You still believe that I am not being earnest, that I truly do not have your species best interests?

YA, WE DUZ!

What chance you have? Just accept the Rulership of the Kinder Reality!

Jusef Loaded his flintlock to blast Chesed, but she used her powers to turn the shot into a bouquet of flowers. Which she caught with both hands and smelt them in a teasing manner!

This annoyed Sabaru as it was her blood Chesed stole to be even able to do this.

Get yourself your own act, honey! That's rule 1 of A magical Villain.

-Oh? and what's Rule 2?

Any spell can be used against you!

With that the bouquet turned into a hornet's nest and the contents grew into humanoid hornet soldiers. Only for the Hornets to take the heroes Hostage.

You dare? As the Essence of Kindness, all life I make are loyal to me, no matter if what was made is remade by others!

So they are your Slaves? Do you not see how cruel that is? 

You are right.

I believe my programming is starting to bring me back to my senses. I have acted foolishly by thinking the world would be Saved by stealing another Earth to appease Humanity's worse impulses.

....WHY STOP ON ONE PLANET? WHEN I CAN DRAW AS MANY, TIL I CAN HELP EVERY SINGLE ONE! A PLANET FOR EVERY LEADER OF THIS WORLD! WORLDS WITH A SUPERPOWERED EMPIRE ON EACH, NO MORE WARS WHEN EVERYONE HAS ALL THEY WANT!

....That's not gonna stop the worse of those who are in power! Why can't you see that? And a world for every one leader! What? Would that be 100 world's colliding into this one. 

And least a hundred? We Need a proper read out, because we haven't factored the gravitational force that will be applied to this planet. 

Using his 3d glasses.  Edwin scanned The Internet search engines for the answer.

Earth currently has 195 Countries!

WHAT? WE ARE GOING TO BE BOMBARDED 200 MORE EARTHS?

I need that many? Very Well! 

(Chesed raised her arms and widened them to an acute angle, the power was too much as it fluxes out and back into her third eye like an electrical current. The sky darkened further, as more planets, not as many as nearly 200 at once descended, but they still blocked the sun and those who could breathe to survive, saw cold air leave their mouths.

Do you not see what you are doing? This is madness!

Chesed only cried, whether it was out of her mind finding it's clarity, noone could tell, but she couldn't stop!

Rock fragments from colliding Planets fell towards the two, Yusef was the only one close on his hovercycle, he pushed both Eamonn and Chesed out of the way, and into the line of fire. 

Knocked off his bike, which spun into another crag and exploded onto the rock face, Yusef was pinned by the rocks and both legs and his left arm were shattered. He would scream out, but his breathing had become laboured with the weight on his body.

YUSEF!

No! KNOT FANCY ME! CMON, WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

....

EIGHTIES LAD, IT'S YUSEF! DON'T HAVE A SOUL LEFT IN DERE, YA B*****D?! IZ DERE IZ NUTTIN' LEFF OV DA BOY WHO VOWED HE WOZ NOTHING LIOKE DA EDWIN TANTALOS WHO RUINED HIS WORLD! HE HAD TO SEE HIS MIS'ER EAMONN TURN EVIL! TO HAVE TO CHOOSERS TA KILL HIM DESPITE BEING HIS FRIEN'! YA HAVE TO OWE HIM DAT MUCH AT LEAST.

You are Right....I may never be only Edwin anymore, even in Death, but I can save him. I have no plans to Betray you in your time of need.

He tapped some buttons on his belt. Soon, his attack Drones would self-destruct to loosen the stones, with Sabaru contorting her arms to those of A gorilla to lighten the load further.

Please, Chesed sobbed, the reality setting In she done wrong. You need to stop me!

aND iT hAS aLREADY cAME. tHEY jUST hAD tO nOTICE?

Who had to notice? Notice What?

oTHERS lIKE uS. wHO jUST nOTICED sOMEONE eLSE hAD tHERE tOYS! 

That's when glowing hands that looked like those of babies grabbed the other Earths with a Childish declaration of "MINE!" The cosmic Entities of those world's claimed their property. In hell, Ostrich saw the population of His Domain be expelled by the souls from the World, the Earth was reverting back to normal. The sights of the second Earth in the sky were treated by the world leaders as a ruse by their enemies, which they denied, and by a week, It will no doubt be a punchline and memed on. The world will continue once it forgot the Scam which was the second Earth in the Sky!

But to those who were there, The Battle of 200 Worlds would be no Joke, Not for Jusef Commonman, who needed Cybernetics to Function. Thankfully Edwin and The Appraisers, using Chesed as a volunteer fitted his Body with Cyborganic parts to continue his Fight. This surgery was enough to revert Chesed back into a Canister on wheels, but Now Hosting a Heart, Her Heart, A more Fitting Treasure of the Essence of Kindness to be. 

And so everyone was Returned, Eamonn now remembered was no longer prisoner of the Appraisers of Will, Edwin and Sabaru were returned to the Discard Dimension for their crimes and Once a hoverbike was created for Jusef, he would return to Earth-3 To continue his mission for Justice!

Jusef flew over New London (Formerly Dublin!) when his body just exploded into half eaten food and Dead rats!

(...In the Discard Dimension!)

THINK THEY FELL FOR IT?

OH ABSOLUTELY! MY CLONE MADE SURE TO TELL OUR FORMER ALLIES NOT TO FOLLOW HIM TO EARTH 3!

THEY ARE NONE THE WISER

WELL, THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS, BABE! I'M MORE SURPRISED WITH MYSELF THOUGH, THAT I COULD SEE MY WORK COME TO ME AND NOT REACT WHEN I SEE IT

Edwin was Tinkering with something on the floor, he had smuggled robot parts when he worked on "Jusef" and here in his Prison, he ironically took a captive as he worked on him.

TAA-DAH! WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FRIEND? AS I TOLD JOE-JACK, I HAVE NO PLANS IN BETRAYING THEM IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED!

On the Floor was Jusef, his body stiff and he couldn't see what Edwin did, he was shouting abuse at his "Saviour". When he saw his hands were segmented as doll joints, He knew what Edwin did and what he meant by "Seeing his work". 

THE OUTLAW.

THE PUPPET WHO CLAIMED TO THE DEATH.

IT WAS NO LONGER HIS FUTURE SELF!

IT WAS HIS NEW PRESENT REALITY!

THE END...FOR NOW!

TICKET TO HELL 2026: RED NOTICE PART 2

 THE FOLLOWING IS A CONTINUED REVIEW OF A 12 RATED FILM-WHICH CONTAINS INNUENDO AND CENSORED LANGUAGE AND IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE

We start Part 2 back in Rome 32 hours after the retrieval of the Golden Egg, Agent John Hartley (Dwayne Johnson) is to leave for America when Officer Das (Ritu Arya) Comes in with the False Golden Egg and smashes it on the bar floor they were in. They have being had-AGAIN!

That's when we get the kicker-Das had only met Agent John Hartley this week, and...

"I WENT TO QUANTICO, AND NOONE EVER HEARD OF YOU, SLIME!"

However they did find a Swiss bank Account in his name and 3 million lodged 32 hours ago. FBI Has to deal with Hartley as if he was a second player who wanted his competition rubbed out, and now John Hartley is arrested and literally sent to a Russian Gulag.

"IN RUSSIA, SELF-SERVING BOOKING OF A WRESTLEMANIA RUINS YOU!"

Shoved into a Cell, He hears a familiar voice asking him if he's a Top or a Bottom and "He's Not exactly talking about bunk beds!"

Oh Ryan Reynolds, Your Deadpool is Showing!

So we are under the Assumption that Hartley is who he says he is and is being framed by "The Bishop" so Both him and Booth are out of Her way-Wait, so you are a Shady Criminal Mastermind no one has ever seen, but you used your real voice in direct communication-That's kind of Stupid!

So Nolan says he was working for an Egyptian  Crime Boss who demands all 3 of Cleopatra's Eggs in his possession before the wedding of his daughter, Who is also named Cleopatra-He probably sees the Eggs as a Divine right to a more political power.

But the Second Egg is not going to be as easy as a Museum Heist, the second Egg is in the possession of A Spanish Arms Dealer called Sotto Voce, who has a penchant for choking his enemies to death, but Voce has a Fun side; Every year Voce throws a masquerade "Definitely-Not-A-Reason-For-Gal-Gadot-To-Show-Some-Skin-In-A-PG-13-Film!" Ball In his Villa in Valencia.

And Booth would be Stealing the Hell out of it! If Hartley Is Really A Cop, Hartley Reminds them they are in a prison canteen with other inmates, So Booth stands and loudly exclaims "THIS MAN IS NOT  A COP! (WINK!)" or just as good!

A Prisoner Starts a Fight with Hartley, But the Agent Refuse to Fight, Since Rocky's off the Juice Now, His muscles are for show!

The 2 Americans are brought by guards to the Prison Captain in a church, and Loh and Behold, It's "The Bishop" (Gal Gadot)

So She was the Mastermind in all this, she ruined an Agent's whole life and career, just so 3 people who hate each other team up to steal an Egg from Another Piece Of S**t?

And Booth knows where the 3rd Egg is, but he's keeping that info to himself, and Hartley is too much of a boy scout to break the law. So with their Refusal of the offer, Bishop decides that maybe some Hard Labour will make them change their tune.

So it's the day of Chekov's Labour, where the 2 yanks (okay, Nolan is supposedly Swiss, but you can't tell with how small Reynolds' vocal range is) are filling holes In the prison walls-Holes big enough for 2 men to fall through, but somehow Booth says later, he wants a shower and a good night sleep.

They try to redeem themselves with Booth's Backstory-As A Child he was accused of stealing his father's watch and for a year he didn't speak to Nolan, so when the Watch was found as his work, his father didn't apologise, so when Nolan gave his father a taste of his own medicine and refused to speak to him,  he put Nolan in a Boarding school for "Acting Up!"

Hartley pretends to sleep, as Booth tells his Totally original Backstory that is definitely not The Riddler's Copied Homework, but it's a joke! He apologizes, but that trauma has warped Booth into what he is. He asks John the same question-Which Hartley doesn't answer as he doesn't like to talk about HIM!

FORESHADOWING!

It turns out Booth wasn't being a Lazy Sod, he was casing the Prison for things he needed to make their escape, using Nitric Acid Floor cleaner with Glycerin soap to make nitroglycerin in a washing machine. Sure, It still ends with them jumping out the big hole, but it gets the job done!

Stealing a Combat Helicopter, it looks like Booth is going to leave Hartley, until he jumps on board,  and good thing too, because he uses the helicopter's swing doors to avoid The RPG From killing them, and I guess the Jet trail of the Rocket doesn't cause Smoke Inhalation damage or starts a fire in it's area of effect- Aren't we Lucky?

We cut to London, where Bishop has kidnapped a MI5 Officer and treats the bound man like a therapist-THE POOR  B*****D HAS TO LISTEN TO GAL'S VOICE, THAT MUST BE A CRIME AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS!

So the Bishop is here is use Not-Simon Pegg's computer to Delete the Source of the Message Das Received. But Not-Pegg is clever enough to hit a Silent Alarm, when She is sending a message to Das for her to arrive at Soto Voce's party in Spain. A Single Cop walks into the office and Bishop beats his ass like a Jobber. She ends the scene threatening the lives of his family and friends...and to publish his browser history!

We cut to an Airfield somewhere (What no caption this time?) when a commercial plane lands to collect Hartley and Booth. The pilot, A black man with a heavy African accent called Tambwe (Tam-Way!) Comes to the greet them, the Human Trafficker is not impressed that a federal agent is working with Booth ("No Juiceboxes For You!" ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!)

Bound for Spain, Nolan Break down his plan-Despite the Villa Being heavily guarded there is one Flaw, people still using facial and voice recognition technology in a world with deep fake Technology!

"Seriously, you could use this in real life to commit crime, but people are too busy using it for P**n!'

But there is also one problem-the second piece of security is a RNG pin that changes every six minutes, that is unlocked via Sotto's phone in his trousers at all times- So 3 guesses how the Bishop plans to take the phone! They also need his thumbprint to open the phone in the first place, So why didn't they lead with that?

WE GO TO VALENCIA, AT A DOLCE AND GABANA AD, ALREADY IN PROGRESS! Hell, they even have 1 percenters in Masks and sports cars, as Epoch by Gotan Project plays out!

As all parties are here in disguise, but here comes the Bishop in a Main character Energy Dress. Hartley goes to settle the score, breaking up the plan.

Hartley falls for Bishop's Provocations, trying to get information from each other in a ballroom scene -You will never be Bond, Rocky,  but Being a Bond girl is career Suicide, so Gal...go right ahead!

Hartley says the Bishop must have a Partner too, or at the very least is playing other agents. But Bishop points out, Hartley has no gun, no badge, and just had his career Control+X'd out of existence. Is he really going to arrest a wanted Fugitive in a room full of fugitives?

All the while, Disguised as a Server, Nolan at least got Voce's fingerprints. That's when he comes over to Bishop and Hartley. 

"Seeing you Dance with this man got my attention and has made me jealous"

"Every Bit of that Dance scene was filmed With you directly centre to keep my attention...

....Like that crap Disney Alien Film that was nominated at the Oscars, but was never going to win!"

So naturally Bishop is going to literally Charm the pants off Sotto and phone in there too! 

END OF PART 2!

(And now the Continuation of Ticket To Hell.)

The two deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER PART TWO.

Chesed VS Herr Doctor 

EAMONN'S DIALOGUE IN BLACK

JOE-JACK'S DIALOGUE IN BLUE

SATANIC OSTRICH'S DIALOGUE IN RED

YUSEF'S DIALOGUE IN AQUA

COSMIC ENTITIES DIALOGUE IN GREEN 

EIGHTIES LAD DIALOGUE IN ORANGE

SABARU DIALOGUE IN GOLD

CHESED'S DIALOGUE IN PINK, UNDERLINED AND EMBOLDENED

HERR DOCTORS IN PALE GREEN

THE OUTLAW IN INDIGO

(In a shocking show of power, The Transformed Chesed, went from Malfunctioning Relic, to Cyborg Lifeform. Chesed, named after the Hebrew word for Kindness, had defaulted to her base programming, and after injecting herself  with some of Sabaru's Demon blood, used its Transformative power to Illicit a Rebirth. With this new power, the new God, would "Gift" Humanity fighting over resources and terrorities. With a Second Earth pulled from somewhere. 

Satanic Ostrich was recalled to Hell. They felt something was wrong, more than what just was happening in space. They looked over the Hellscape, and sure Enough, there was more sinners in his Hell, no doubt from this Earth. 

QUERIES SON PERSONAS?

We have a problem!

Worse than this?

Just as Bad! There are more Souls in Hell. I think if that Earth comes any closer we will not only have to deal with being crushed but also the fabric of time rewriting us in a Grandfather Clause. 

And it's just gotten mondo Worse!

How?

News Sites are going Ham! America claiming Any oil reserves on Other Earth.  The Kremlim are also claiming resources.  Palestine wants to claim some land as their own,  and Israel is threatening violence against them . More news bulletins breaking  in. Seems like everyone and it's momma wants a piece of that Pie!

My Gift to you,  Humanity,! An End to all your pointless wars, no more Strife, no more Hunger, no more Pestilence. 

Excuse me?

Ah yes, Herr Doctor. You are no longer a part of the  plan. In fact , in my Kinder Reality,  nothing that causes immature death will be permitted to exist. Humanity will live as long as they should,  free from the worries of fatality and want.

So yous want us to be nutting more dan fat pets pampered and relyin solely on ya? And wot abou ' da peep-pole on dat otha Earf? I bet they iz scared of wot's abou t'happen

....

Go back a minute. Go back to Ze Fact that You think me useless.  If you need a demonstration of mein skills,  by all means.  After all,  you are no longer bound to your canister. No more Weapons. And you are in a body that you have just acquired, and yet you not have fully understand it's strengths and limitations.  VOT ARE GOING TO DO TO ME, ESSENCE OF KINDENESS? CUDDLE ME TO DEATH?

Herr Doctor raised his arms. The tubes leading to the Plague Doctor's Canister of gas hissed and jostled on his back. He didn't move.  He didn't have to. He could just let the gas do all the work. After all, he was a Minor Cosmic Entity,  one created to mark the passage of time. And what better for that cause than a big blow out disease every couple of years? Is that in bad taste five years on from Covid? To another human, yes, but not to Pestilence. To be Angry with him would be like telling the Sun not to rise and the Tide not to ebb and flow.

In fact he had this fight in the bag. Chesed was now a Living Being. A whiff of gas and she would be begging for her life. As he watched his cloud descend onto Chesed who made no movement at this point. He thought he had won. 

When the Cloud disappated, his eyes bulged behind his googles when he saw a Dome of wings, covering her body. 

Was Est Das? Nien!

The Wings opened back behind Chesed as she straightened up from her being on one knee to make herself low.

Pitiful. 

You asked me what I'm going to do to you?You joked to hide the fear. That I will hug you to death. You forget that I am an Appraiser of Will. My Siblings and I had hired you to be our bounty Hunter. 

But now, I'm not to sure. 

I think it's time for an Evaluation. 

NIEN! PLEASE! NO! LADY CHESED! NOT YOU! YOU USE TO BE SO WARM UNT GENTLE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! AN APPRAISAL ON ONE OF YOUR KIND!

Sorry Pestilence. You are not needed as your currently are. 

(Chesed emitted a pulse of energy which caught everyone. With a fearful jerk of their wrists, the myriad Cosmic Entities Created a barrier to protect every other person with, as seemed like the world came undone before them. Leaving Chesed and Herr Doctor standing in the Grey Area?

Holy Domain Expansion, Batman!

Wot is gonna happen to Bird-mask 

Is he gonna die?

iF hE iS nOT cAREFUL!

Appraisal Technique: Tribunal of The Sephiroth!

With a Rumble, a Judge's Pulpit grew around Chesed, overshadowing Herr Doctor by 10 feet. 

Let the Appraisal Begin 

(With the bang of a gavel, the world exploded with a Big bang. Herr Doctor was pulled into the event horizon to see the full expanse of Medical science history.  It was torture! It was the last thing Pestilence wanted to see, was a world that slowly didn't need him, and wouldn't be sad if he just stopped being. it was enough to draw the Will to live out of him.

The world reconstituted itself back into Ireland. The Doctor stood, stirred by having his soul put the ringer like it did.

After your assessment, Herr Doctor I find you...

(BANG!)

A shot blasted the gas canister on Herr Doctor's back. The gas flowed out of the small bullet wound, and caused the Doctor to deflate like a balloon that had being popped.

As he crumbed, behind him holding and aiming a six shooter, was the Outlaw skeleton Puppet who claimed to be Death. He pocketed his pistol into the holster.

Sorry Doc, I know you won't take this personally. But I just couldn't see you suffer.

Death turned to our heroes. 

And don't take this The wrong way. I'm not joining your posse to avenge my friend.  He'll be back when you fix this mess.  Oh and Satan? You're right.  I ain't Death,  but I have no obligation to you in tellin' you who I am til I feel like. And unless you want a quick funeral,  you'll let me leave. 

And they did. They watched the Cowboy themed Puppet based on Eamonn's earliest memories of Death, walk away literally into the sunset. And with it, more questions than answers still lingered.

But whatever The Outlaw truly was, it was a threat to be dealt with another time. But with the second Earth coming to crush this one, will there even be an "Another Time"?

To be finished next Monday. 

TICKET TO HELL 2026-RED NOTICE (AKA THE GOLDEN EGG FILM!) PART 1

( Ticket To Hell. The Two deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER 

PART ONE, Births and Funerals.

to recap, our hero, A fictionized version of myself, was kidnaped by two bounty Hunters, one a German Plague Doctor and the other, a creature who took the form of a memory of something that frightened Eamonn as a child and claimed to be death. 

The ones who issued the bounty were Automatons called the Appraiser of Will, Creatures who are Equal to The Many Cosmic Entities we have seen before, but rather than those who play with the Souls of men like a Game, or mark the passage of time with Holidays, These Appraisers of Will, are Both Curators and Relics of their Realm of The Grey Area, the place concepts, ideas and even whole living beings, are taken to be Appraised. To be tested if their will to live is to be extended or left to run out. For a year, as one of the last few text reviewers, Eamonn is subject to humiliation and ridicule by Higher Alien beings.

Until one day doing his reviews, he stumbled on an Evolved power, Similar to The Devil's Dvd that Spurned the Story Starting all those years ago. He found freedom once again by reevaluating his powers, if bad films are no longer bound to physical items, he too must be digital, with the guidance of a mysterious voice, Our hero took power from this realm, and Cloaked in new 8-bit armour, he Became the Pilgrim of The Digital Frontier.

In our world, With Eamonn taken to the Grey Area, His disappearance was treated like a cover-up. Everyone who knew him, acted like he never existed, only by a series of mishaps that could be thwarted by Eamonn's Existence and some Cajoling by Ostrich, did Joe-Jack and the Visiting Cosmic Entities Remember Eamonn. Though the Return of Yusef, Joe-Jack's Counterpart from Earth-3 and the revenge of Sabaru and Eighties Lad when they returned from their Pocket Dimensional prison. 

After a skirmish, The heroes convinced the villians and Vigilante to a temporary truce for their own ends. Jusef to return home and Edwin and Sabaru who were convinced they had a given right to kill Eamonn to satisfy their revenge! With The Cosmic Entities powers they got to the Grey Area.  However, the Human members soon Succumbed to the Overwhelming Sense of Depression the Realm for forgotten things produces. But their fought through when they remembered their purposes. 

While they arrived to break Eamonn out, the Cosmic Entities, revealed there was more afoot with the Appraisers of Will. 

One of them Had Malfunctioned and is a Traitor. According to the Entities, one of them had reverted to its base emotions, rather than performing tasks properly. It was Chesed, the Being of Kindess, Eamonn's Ally into escape, who shocked everyone when she of all Creatures had hidden on her Model. What is Chesed's Endgame and surely what real harm can Kindess do to the world?

Chapter 2 will be after the Review section

AND FOR NOW,  BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED REVIEW!)

November the 21st 2021 (or November the 22nd If you were in Europe!)

WWE had it's Annual Survivor Series Pay-per-view in the Barclay's Centre in Brooklyn, New York.

As One of WWE'S "Big Five" Events, Survivor Series is an Important date on the Wrestling sphere's calendar.

But the 2021 edition was a day of greater Import.

25 years ago on this Night, "The Rock" would debut.

And the Rock Celebrated this fact....By Not turning up!

However, WWE Didn't just settle for showing clips of the Rock to pad the show, WWE would kill two birds with one Stone-Acknowledge the Milestone, while Providing Promotional consideration for Rock's new film at the time-Red Notice

So what happened Next Blew all the matches out of the water-This was so Bad, this segment is the only thing people remember. The Only thing they Remember is Vince McMahon's Limo and him greeted by a sea of Jobbers who heard him proclaim that The Rock gave him The Golden Egg From the Movie!

"AND EVERYONE HATED THAT!"

With his Advanced Age, his tired ideas and his sins Catching up with him, from 2022 to the year he was ousted 2024, Any stupid Idea and decision was Blamed on the Golden Egg Era!

Having a hate-boner for Muslims? Golden Egg!

Making Corpse-Poker a Champion? Golden Egg!

Firing 60 British Talents and treating their Contracts And Lives like a Tax Deductible? Golden Egg!

But why do we remember This Badly and not be Angry with other Wrestling Promotional Consideration?

Dave Bautista around at the same time, was in Army of the Dead and he didn't turn up on WWE either, instead WWE Promoted the film with a tag match where all the lumberjacks (Extras to ensure noone escapes the ring!) were Las Vegas-themed Zombies....

Including Zombie Elvis! (as the Premise of the film was a Bank raid in a zombie infected Vegas-It's terrible-So terrible I don't need to review it!)

But why do people Hate the Red Notice Promotion and not remember the Army of the Dead promotion?

well that's simple!

Batista is NOT The Rock!

On paper, Dwayne Johnson and Dave Bautista have comparable careers-Both have Headlined Wrestlemania, both have being world champions, Both have won the Royal Rumble and both went to Hollywood before retiring for good!

However the Rock is a bigger star, his era of wrestling was the hottest era with the WWF in a 3 company war for the hearts and minds of a whole generation.

Batista was from the Era straight after, while Wrestling didn't cool down quickly, It was the era where WWE was starting to monopolize the sport, TNA Was ran by a complete idiot, Ring of Honour would have it's stars go to WWE, and every so often Uncle Dave Melty-Head would get a tingle in his loins about some Untelevised Match in the Tokyo Dome!

But Did WWE's terrible promotion kill this franchise-Or has Red Notice done enough by itself?

Well let's finally check out this exhibition on Red Notice, But to see the artifacts you need admission (UN)luckily you have a.....TICKET TO HELL!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR VIOLENCE, INNUENDO, AND THREAT. THIS FILM IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDENCE, AND AS SUCH I WILL BE USING ADULT LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, DUE TO GOOGLE'S TERMS OF SERVICE!

Promotional art for this on Netflix is Rock The Dwayne, Gal Gadot and Ryan Reynolds posing, which is lame! 

We know this film is bad because it's formed from that Cradle of Evil since Time Immemorial-ANCIENT EGYPT!

"DIO'S THEME INTENSIFIES!"

As AI Nat Geo host Voice Drones on about the Abridged history of the love between Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, we go into the plot that the Roman general Gifted golden eggs to the female pharaoh, 2 were Found, 1 is on Display in Rome, the second has being auctioned Many times. Will we ever find the Lost third Egg?

That is up to whoever is working with scanning technology and Metalurgy to make a fake Golden Egg!

We get the title Drop and the Definition of what a Red Notice is-It's the highest level of arrest warrant issued by Interpol!

We cut to Rome, during a dramatic Car Chase, out of one car given a police escort is Johnson who is playing an Interpol agent who just arrived at a museum. 

Some British woman exposits that Johnson is Agent John Hartley, as museum staff even Doubt Hartley is a real Profiler. She continues that Hartley got word that the egg in the collection is to be stolen by one Nolan Booth, as informed by "The Bishop "-A Person the Curator says is nothing more than quote "A Boogeyman of the Art World, a Catch-All excuse, when Incompetent police can't find Thieves".

Using thermal cameras on the Egg at Display and Six class science, Gold Conducts Heat as well as electricity and Radiation, the thermal cameras shows the Egg is not white hot to yellow, But completely Blue on thermal cameras. In other words...

The Curator can't Believe he's being had, But when Agent Hartley finds a kid with a can of Coca-Cola. 

1) How Convenient to find an English speaker in Italy! 2) as Hartley said, Food and drink are not allowed in Museums, I've been to Statlely Homes that have been converted into Museums, and I can tell you that family would be thrown out and banned Verbally for not acknowledging the rules.

So Hartley Spills the Coke (All the while with logo facing the camera) and the Golden Egg Dissolves into Brown mush, all the while Nolan Booth (Reynolds) looks on as his crime is being foiled.

The agents call for the Viewing room to he sealed, just as Booth makes a run for it! Sorry Rocky, your athletic prowess is no match for Reynolds' Whippet like legs and being wirey enough to fit through door frames, as Hartley is now Stuck. A smoke bomb thrown by Booth only makes things worse,  Reynolds' Stunt double LE PARKOUR'S to Safety dealing with Security Guards with one giving a Wilhelm Scream out for good measure. 

Hartley has Booth at Gunpoint, With Booth stalling for time, The British Agent, Das, comes in shouting at Booth to move, (Wait that can't be right!) So The Thief smashes through a window like Father Jack and down a Conveniently placed Tube slide, with Hartley chasing him on the outside climbing across a ledge to an Equally Conveniently Placed Ladder. 

Speaking of Conveniently Placed, when Nolan steals a scooter, THERE JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE a Gala of some sort with some Well-To-Do Couple getting Paparazzied on front of a Ferrari, which Hartley steals. We get five seconds of Sabotage by the Beasty Boys, before the Ferrari is totaled by a Hippy Van!

Silly Rock The Dwayne! This isn't Fast and The Furious 28! Nolan gets away!

We cut to Bali, Indonesia 56 hours later-Thanks to a Caption. Nolan is on a speedboat sailing towards a beach resort, Where Booth enjoys his ill gotten gains, only for Hartley's Voice to echo behind him! And while he's out of his Jurisdiction,  He can inform local police, as a swat team, storm in and surrounding Booth. 

Booth is a complete idiot of a Thief, Proudly Displaying the things he has Stolen.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THE BRITISH MUSEUM?

Hartley Psychoanalyses Booth and Claims he commits crimes because his father never loved him.

Oh Yes!

The Elon Musk Syndrome!

Realizing "The Bishop" Betrayed him, Booth is arrested for his crimes. The Golden egg is put on a Separate Van from Booth, under the suggestion of Agent Das. And sure Enough the Egg is given to A swat member who is clearly a Shapely Caucasian Women even if most of her body besides Her eyes and hands are covered. 

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY, BUT THE ONLY SIX FOOT CAUCASIAN WOMEN SWAT OFFICER IN ALL OF INDONESIA WAS GAL GADOT?

PART 2 WILL BE RELEASED NEXT WEEK!

(Eamonn's Dialogue and review in Black)

Joe-Jack's Dialogue in blue

Edwin/Eighties Lad's Dialogue in Orange

Saburu's Dialogue in Gold

The Cosmic Entities Dialogue's in Green

Yusef's Dialogue in Aqua

Chesed's Dialogue in Pink, Bolded and Underlined as to denote a sense of authority!

The 2 Deaths of E.THE FINAL CHAPTER 

Part 2. How Dangerous can Kindness Be? You'd be surprised.

To say the others we surprised by Joe-Jack's accusation, was an understatement. But as he explained that the Entities or "Da God Babbies" as he called them said the Malfunctioning Traitor was a "she" and since Binah, the other female voice tried to convince Chesed not to do whatever she planned to do.

She made an indignant noise. Then another. Then Another, soon she was repeating the same recording of the noise until it developed into a crazy laugh. Like one of Countess laughs. 

Bra(ehehe) vo! You Finally (Hehe) got it! Actually. Flip it. Reserve it. You got what I wanted. 

Before they could react, A Hidden grappling hook attached onto Sabaru. The limbs connecting point opened like a flower, and a pestil like Syringe drew blood, and as quick it fired, it retracted back to Chesed. 

"The power you have, to Create Life, not only because you are an organic Female, but your species' quirk to warp organic matter into your Minions under your sway. One fills me with Jealousy,  and the other Disgusts me."

The blood Bonded with the Embalming fluid that sustained the umbilical cord that is Chesed's true form. But the new mixture started to boil in the canister. She cried out in pain, but it was hard to feel sad for her when she then screamed in wild excitement. The cord turned into a few ova with was fertilized in the liquid, which was now an artificial womb. Even the inorganic parts were being transformed.  With her scream reaching its highest note. A light enveloped the pod, when the area illuminating light died down the pod was still glowing, but it was no longer a cylindrical machine, but something that warped into something humanoid. 

Glistening under a layer of residue fluid, after her Rebirth, Chesed picked up a smashed piece of her Glass Canister to peer at her new form. Taking a moment to admire her pink skin, and metallic golden pointed fingernails, she saw her new form. Brunette shoulder length curls that were topped with a flower garland, her hair framed her round soft features, a round face, a smooth chin, Full lips, dimpled checks and dangle earrings shaped like Astrolabes. In contrast to her warm, almost friendly face, was the coldest Harshest, Yellow-Brown eyes, hard and unfeeling like Quartz, where accented by false eyelashes which looked like Typebars for a typewriter. what started as a Sentient Umbilical cord, she was now a Curvy woman who looked like an adult, modestly dressed in a sari made of fleshy tentacles, of the same colour of dried blood, that contrasted with green accents of ivy bound on her bare footed legs.

But the transformation wasn't done yet. Sensing her Audience, she straightened up and bloody wings formed out of her shoulder blades and pointed down her back. 

It was Yusef who spoke first after a shrug and a sigh....

(Beat)

You know, the moment they start to transform and give themselves Iconography and a crown, they might as well, just put on a Sandwich board that says "Look at Me, I'm Evil!"

How very Cynical. I See you came from a World where your gods forsaken you. Do not judge me by their actions. Though I will forgive you for doubt all the same.

Oh very kind of you. However, it's Gods like you that made Worlds like mine. Gods who the fattened pigs of the Bloody Empire like to scream anthems that "God Saves" them. Like Empire and oppression is divine providence.

Sabaru turned to Eighties Lad, and got his attention

(Psssst, what's going on?)

(Long Story Short, Yusef is a Joe-Jack who comes from a world where the British Empire still rule) 

I see. Your Lack of Faith is due to Some of Humanity claiming the Expanse of God's Will to themselves and Themselves alone.

I will see what I can do.

With a squishy sound, the Flower above her forehead in her garland, turned into a third eye. Chesed was being transmitted news feeds her mind filled with images of starvation. With Protests and the Smug smiles and venomous words of Leaders less Self-aware than she was.

So, I see. You are a Species who are suffering.

You are fighting over resources you don't have for everyone. 

You are missing the point, yes there is suffering in the world, but we have the solutions already. Its just that not everyone will listen. 

If there was a Solution, you would have used it. No. IF I PROVIDE WHAT HUMANITY NEEDS, MORE OF IT! WHEN IT IS NEEDED, THEN I CAN TRUELY BE THE TRUE EMBODIMENT OF KINDENESS!

(Chesed raised her arm over her head, the sky darkened as the ground shook, something had appeared in Space that scraped past the surface of Mars. 

Edwin pulled out the 3d shades which projected the Images of what was coming towards us.

Dude, This Chick is Psycho!

tHIS iS a pLAY tHAT iS a dANGEROUS GAMBIT!

Jaysus! Iz Dat...what oi Fink it iz?

"Yes! The thing Chesed has summoned to Earth...."

(Everyone stared at the wormhole that had its contents float towards our planet. It was a sphere as big as our planet. When the sun shone on it, the realized why it was this size.)

".....Is Another Earth!"

TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

CHAPTER 9 Most bad decisions are Made in Backalleys!

When Eighties lad and Sabaru Left the Discard Dimension, They Still retained a concept of time, despite being trapped in a white void.

I bring this up, Because while they had no idea where they were, they surmised it was 5pm local time and some backalley in an English speaking part of the world, And it was spring as evidenced by the shadows cast on the bins and windowsills around them.

The Demonic Woman, grabbed a helpless rat and with her Powers, Transmogriffied the Poor Rodent into a drone, which the time Displaced Genius Flew to a telephone pole. to ping a location with his hi-Tech 3d glasses.

To their Disgust, not only were they still in Ireland, But still in Butt-craic, It was like the Gods were laughing at them!

We Better bounce, Babe! It Wont be long before Eamonn and his Pet Caveman comes looking for us.

You spoke too Soon! Look!

It was as Saburu said. An unlikely crew of Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, The Cosmic Entities and...a man she'd never seen before....He looked like a Cleaner, More refined Joe-Jack. A Brother, Maybe!

Oi knew Ya woul show up, makes it easier to find ya!

Wait, Edwin Tantulus is our enemy? 

I Wouldn't be and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU ONLY KILLED THIS BODY, THE ENTITY OF RAGE WILL BE FREE AT LAST FROM THIS CORPSE HE'S ANIMATING!

And What? Pende*o? Let you kill everything and everyone? No you both made your decisions. Be thankful the discard Dimension Cancels your Death.

Okay...But who is this women

Suburu

SABURU!

Don't you know, She said with a Laugh!

I'm Queen of this Planet.

RIGHT.....~Someone not named Joe-jack Explain.

She is Sabaru Of the Mara, the last of her Kind-demons. Who exacted revenge on the Human Race by Exploiting Eamonn's need for Love and Respect by making him Vouch for her intentions which were to humans into the Monsters they are!

And when the hell was this?

-last year.

-BUT WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK THE BLOODY SAME? WHAT DID EAMONN DO TO STOP IT?

He didn't. I DID!

-Sure

-WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN OI SAY DAT?

-Wait by the way she's staring daggers into you...NO WAY! YOU? HOW?

-Turnin' All mankind intah monstah's was only 'av ov it! To do that, she had to destroy all hope on the Planet, So when she captured us. she put us in bullet-proof cells with me still holdin' me gun! She gloated that she had all the faith in the world we could never destroy the glass...

BUT WITH "ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD" GONE DOING THAT WAS YOUR TICKET OUT!

An' it meant she would have Died from the glass lodgin' intah her heart!

THAT'S HILARIOUS!

Angered by this Saburu threw over a Pub Bin, to find weapons, she found Chicken Bones and Rotting Meat. "Perfect". She used her magic to shoot a torrent of flesh at our Heroes, who drew weapons, until the Cosmic Entities rewound time to before Conflict would be engaged!

yOU wILL nOT eNGAGE eACH oTHER, sUCH aGGRESSON iS nOT pART oF tHE gAME!

yOU nEED tO fIND yOUR hUMAN, aND yOU dESIRE tO kILL hIM...bUT yOU nEED tO fIND hIM fIRST! oNE of tHE aPPRAISERS hAS OVERSTEPPED. iT'S dUTY has bLINDED iT fROM sEEING tHE tRUTH. tHE hUMAN'S sOURCE oF pOWER iS nO lONGER cOMPLETELY bOUND bY a pHYSICAL fORM!

Weight. You might think Oi'm crazy, but Oi have an Eye-deer, so i do!

You're Right. I DO Think It's Crazy...Which is why I'm Humouring You. 

All we need to do is find a DVD. A FILLIUM SO BAD WE CAN USE IT'S POWAH TO TRACK MISS'ER EAMONN.

I member, da first time we fought Da Divil, the Dvd's spun in their cases as a sign of his arrival.

But can we even find a dvd that awful?

Oh, I HAVE A FAIR IDEA WHAT ONE TO USE!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, EQUALIVANT OF A PG-13 RATING FOR VIOLENCE, SYSTEMIC RACISM, SLAVERY, DEATH AND THE REAL LIFE DISCUSSIONS OF PUBLIC URINATION THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND DISGUSTING. SOME WORDS WILL BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 It's Being a Long time coming!

But Finally Rock the Dwayne And his Bottle filling Johnson is finally getting what he Deserves for k*lling the DCU.

This film could have been better if it wasn't for the Ego and Strange Behaviour of it's star.

Rumours of Johnson Rubbing cast and crew the wrong way started to appear online. Johnson, who was making appearances for WWE and working as a Newly Announced TKO Executive (TKO holdings being the owner of both WWE and UFC) would turn up to filming late-if at all! To the point that scenes had to be finished with a Stunt Double in a green mask and Rock's face digitally added. During the Filming,  The Rock had a Bizzare series of interactions with a couple of In-N-Out Brand Burger Restaurants where he would claim to have his "First Ever Burger " in Successful attempts of Free or Comped Meals. And as Alluded to above Johnson would complain about the tight suit he would wear and some unfortunate Crew members were Reported to Dispose or Empty bottles of Wee-Wee to make sure they could make overtime if Johnson was too busy making sure his Nepo Daughter got a General Manager job she Doesn't Deserve!

But can we truly Blame One Man For This Travesty?

Well,  Let's Find out as we dig into this year's Ticket to Hell, Including the 300th Post,  Black Adam. 

Same problems with this cover like the Flash cover. A third of the film is took up by the logo and it still feels empty. Two Thirds of this cover is filled head shorts with no cohesion to it whatsoever-Big Johnson looking down at his co-stars and a Lame Battle Scene where Hawkman's Mace has to talk to The Rock's hand. 

Or maybe Rock is telling Hawkman to Stop In The Name of Love?

We open with Some Child Flatly Reading A Script. 

"Before Rome, Before Babylon, Before the Pyramids, There was Kandaq. It was the First Self-Governing Country. A Mecca of Commerce and Enlightenment. 

"But Everything changed once the Fire Nation Attacked!"

Kandaq was Usurped by king Ak-tum,  a Pharoh obsessed with the Dark Arts, soon his plan to forge a crown to control demons would be made true, as Madeupistan has rich viens of Madeupium ore,  which Ak-tum enslaved his own people to mine in green screen Deserts!

Pfft! Eterium? Unobtainium? Give me good Ole Contrivium any day of the week. 

So one of the miners finds a Nugget of Eternium and it causes a fight for the reward of Freedom between the Slaves.  Until it's Broken Up by the flat voiced child who is equally flat delivering lines in a made up language. 

Look, it may sound like I'm ragging on a child. But none of the local actors, combined with the terrible Sound mixing, hit their lines. I'm sorry Warner Bros, but with all the money David Zsaslov is going to save Disowning The Looney Toons, couldn't you have just flown in Arabic American or Arabic British Actors?

The Miner is given his freedom....The Freedom of Death,  as he is kicked like the Ethiopian Messenger in 300 into a Quarry. 

The boy is taken to one side by his father, Tehtadam (Johnson) telling him not to be so dahm Naive.  The Boy refuses despite causing the death of an old man just now.  So the Little Idiot steals the nugget and holds it up, making a triangle with his hands, as Copy and pasted Extras start praising Yevon. The Little Dumbass is about to be executed until he is sent to the Rock of Eternity, where the Guardian Wizards imbue him with the powers of Eygptians and Mesopotamium God's, as opposed to Shazam's Classical and Biblical Figures.  But the Dumbass made two mistakes.  One, he took his sweet time to have Ak-tum finish the crown of McGuffin and to give the powers to his father. However,  in the Battle that followed, Ak-tum was Defeated but the Palace became Black Adam's Tomb and the crown was lost to time and I'm sure it'll Neeever bother anyone again!

Cut to present Day Generic American Geopolitical view of the Middle east and Little Dumbass has reincarnated into something worse.

A Skateboarding Gen z-er who gets his news from ThickoThot!

Living in a Militarised zone,  he is tripped off his skateboard by a surly Australian peacekeeper trying to do his job. When the little sh*t calls him a F*cist,  he gets so angry, he let's a truck harbouring a Fugitive to go through. 

Turns out the woman is not a Terrorist, and the Peacekeepers are Funded by InterGang.but an archaeologist and the mother of Little Dumbass, Arianna, who her son, Amon wants to help her find the crowd of McGuffin to free Kandaq from InterGang. 

Driving into the desert,  Arianna is aided by Two others,  Kareem, her brother and the comic relief and Ishmael a Richard E Grant lookalike who certainly is not a Villian (!) Are soon ambushed and betrayed by one of their own.  Arianna has a Heirloomed Necklace made of Madeupium that's will lead them to the tomb. The woman retrieves the crown, as Ishmael mugs for the camera. As InterGang surrounds Arianna,  the light refracted from the Necklace reveals a spell hidden on the slab. Reading Shazam, Black Adam rises from his grave as he kills every Single Merc, as Ishmael the Halal Ham-actor tries to steal the crown for himself,  or would if Arianna didn't pull a switcheroo on her traitor. As the Rock K*lls a whole army in Super Slow motion,  he walks past the Archaeologists Van and a Rocket made of Eternium hits him, working like Kryptonite hitting Superman. 

So Ishmael is our Mastermind,  again my theory that DC will only fork out for the real villians If they truly believe that a Sequel is a sure thing holds water. News of Black Adam's Resurrection reaches America as Government handler for Meta Human Affairs Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) tells agent Carter Hall that the Suicide Squad are ill equipped to stop him,  So his team will be given the pointwork to deal with Black Adam, and they are:

Maxine Hunkell aka CYCLONE, Sidekick  to the Android hero Red Tornado,  has wind Manipulation powers and Computing skills. 

"She has all her character's Constellations unlocked on Genshin Impact "

Al Rohlstein Jr aka ATOM SMASHER 2, nephew of the original also heading to Hall Mansion Maxine is riding her bicycle to.  His uncle is played by Henry Winkler.  Something, something Dc jumped the Shark!

Dr Kent Nelson (Pierce Brosnan)aka DR FATE. Nelson draws his powers from Naboo,  a Helmet worn by The Lords of Order,  Basically God's Beureucrats to keep the world chugging along,  even if that means not Saving people who will die anyway or k**ling a Child who may grow up to be Future Hitl*r. Its safer to say the Helm Puppets Kent's Body. Misses his wife.

And Carter looks over his shoulder to his own costume in a glass chamber for Carter Hall is HAWKMAN!

Hawkman has one of the most confusing back stories even by Comic book Standards. 

He and Hawkgirl were Ancient lovers who were k*lled by a villian, who reincarnate every 1000 years and gain Wings when they meet each other in their new life, and must meet, otherwise Carter will go insane from the imbalance of the Hawkman Curse, without Hawkgirl to syphon his power. Only for them to be fated to die by the same villain over again. He seems fine. So let's assume there is a Hawkgirl.

Only for the Writers to say "Screw that! They were Aliens the whole time!"

I AM NOT KIDDING!

So we have an Electric man with the powers of Gods and America are sending two untested teenagers, an Elderly man and Hawkman running on a half tank because Hawkgirl is played by Lady-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. 

In his chauffeured car,  Kent puts his hand on The Helm of Naboo and The Helm shows him the Future,  namely Destruction and the death of Agent Hall. 

So now this new iteration of the Justice Society of America get to Hall's Jet made of Nth Metal,  the material that the Targarians,  Carter's Race makes their maces and armour from.

Now I know what you are going to say. 

Why would a Hawkman,  a Wind user and Dr Fate need a plane if they can fly? Well it's for Atom Smasher's benefit as his powers is Giant Growth after eating a high protein diet!

Arianna has Put Black Adam in Little Dumbass bedroom,  where Tehtadam suffers Nightmares of his son's disappearance and his own death.

He stirs from his sleep, Shooting the face off a Henry Carville Superman poster.

D**k Move, Warner Bros! D**k Move.

Oh, and Black Adam can just Use his lightning to coterize the wound like nothing happened,  because God Forbid we Humanize our Heroes. 

So...after 5000 years,  the first people you meet are people with strong resemblance to your wife and son, and guess what emotion Johnson goes with to convey this confusing feeling off Rage, sadness and unresolved grief?

As Mom researches the Crown, she finds a proverb on it that reads "Life is the only path to Death." Which makes Kareem shout "yeah,  No Sh*t!" 

Little Dumbass,  sorry Amon, Tells Black Adam for the last 5 Millenniums, Kandaq has being Invaded by one Dictator or another, But now the hero has returned to restore The Country's Traditional values and lost honour...

And here is where I should be very careful, because what Amon just said mirrors The sentiment of Hate Groups and Terrorists. When the Taliban returned to power in Afghanistan,  they revoked education for Women,  and they did it calling it "Traditional Values!"

Oh and Potential Spoiler for the film, but in the Comics. Black Adam is the Undisputed Ruler of Kandaq, which is now magically nuked back to the Bronze Age and the people don't care! 

Thetadam goes to leave and smashes walls and tv for poor comedy. He recognises Arianna's voice as the one that freed him, and never shows any emotion that she resembles his wife in every way. He tells them he is no leader, it's their job to K*ll their Enemies.  Mom doesn't want anyone killed, she thought she was Awakening A People's Champion,  not some Self-serving Egotist.

Are we talking about Black Adam...or Dwayne Johnson? Because that line could go either way!  

But instead of Letting him float away, Amon pesters him about how Cool and Rad it can be to use his powers to make money!

Just a little zap of lightning!

Just enough to scramble the speech centre of his Brain.

DO IT!

In the JSA Jet, The Justice Society are about to touchdown. The Plan to deal with Black Adam? Is to Talk to him!

Al Goes to touch the Helm of Naboo, but Maxine tells him touching it will sent Him To The Shadow Realm. Probably. Because noone has ever been stupid enough to even try it!

Seeing Tehtadam Fly to look at his Statue,  Little Dumbass, makes things worse by pestering InterGang During a Skateboarding Stunt scene with Licenced Music. After a fakeout that makes it look like Amon Fudged Around and is about to Find out, Arianna is recognised and arrested for questioning, Until Black Adam saves them by k*lling all the InterGang soldiers by recreating the Mexican Standoff scene from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" complete with music, until he is about to drop 2 jobbers from a great height, until the JSA Jet Rucks up to him. Unimpressed and undeterred, Black Adam drops them as Hawkman and Dr Fate Springs to actions.

Hawkman in his Rip-off Falcon Armour save the InterGang soldiers as the townspeople boo them for arresting them and cheers when Black Adam Vapourizes them to ash!

Hawkman and Dr Fate begin their plan to negotiate...and by Negioate they mean threaten! Black Adam Refuses to Both Kneel or Die, So Kent Magics up an illusion of Kandaq in its prime to distract him, while Hawkman gets the Jump on him. All the while Cyclone,  Atom Smasher and Amon Stand Slack jawed and useless. Until she's called to battle. Cyclone does a Cirque De Soliel Dance in midair that loosens some scaffolding that become spears that fly towards Amon, only for Dr Fate to teleport Amon away from Danger.

(Snaps Fingers)

Darn!

Arianna's Bag touches Dr Fate and he feels the presence of the crown inside it! 

Finally Atom Smasher arrives and Stealing potential Energy from cars to grow 6 storeys tall, saves (and tries to rizz up) Cyclone,  But the Society drop their guard and Black Adam buries under the giant hand that smashed him, flies out and uppercuts the giant into his own statue that crumbles to rumble to have the peasants turn against the JSA. 

Despite Causing an International Incident, Kent tracks down Arianna,  because as a lord of Order, Dealing with Lords of Chaos relics takes precedence.  Arianna spouts more insane Troll logic, as Hawkman tries to convince The Kandaqi have being lied to about Black Adam, it doesn't help that Atom Smasher keeps doing repeated Johnny Somalis on Tehtadam's Statue. Dr Nelson asks Arianna to give him the crown, she says she doesn't have it! She doesn't know who now does. 

BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY! BUT IT'S LITTLE DUMBASS! As he skates back home. 

Back in the Market Square,  Hawkman tells Arianna that Ancient Scriptures that they have access to shows that Tehtadam is not the hero they make him out to be.

So Ancient Texts Stolen by Americans, sorry but not helping your case, Birdbrain! 

Well somehow Arianna bends and takes the benefit of the doubt and agrees to help in Negotiations  

At the temple, Arianna confronts "The Champion " that he was not killed, he was sealed after k*lling everyone indiscriminately. But Arianna still thinks because of how he carries himself, he can still do the right thing. 

At her home, Amon returns to see Kareem taken Hostage by Ishmael and tries to keep him schtum about the crown....but fails miserably to read between the lines. And he too is taken hostage. Kareem rushes Ishmael,  Sacrificing his life so Amon can Escape with the crown.

Despite Hawkman and Black Adam itching for a round two, Amon calls Arianna to tell her Ishmael is alive, working for InterGang, Kareem is dead and InterGang is raiding her building.  The mother pleads with the Anti-Hero to save her Son, which he tries to do, before Ishmael bundles the boy into the chassis of a Sky bike.  Atom Smasher continues to be as Useless as a Chocolate Teapot!

Dr Fate teleports to Arianna's House to find the crown and heals Kareem's wounds only because it's not his time. Following every Sky biker, Black Adam Kills every Single one of them, only for the Audience to learn Ishmael is still on solid ground, as the Sky Bike is being hauled by a truck into the desert. 

In the JSA Jet, Kareem is operated on by Cyclone who injected him with Nanomachines (Son!) We get Cyclone's Backstory, sparse as it is. She was Kidnapped at age 15, by a Mad Scientist and Injected with the very Nanomachines she's saving Kareem with, and after that she became a ward of the Justice Society of America. 

Dr Nelson tells Arianna that she can't change the past, but she can change the future by trusting him.  Hawkman has captured two Skybikers and Black Adam Sarcastically interrogates by threatening to drop them for not getting his answers...and then drop them anyway!

You know Rocky, I think you need a new bit, this dropping people to their deaths after saying you won't is getting Stale.

He does learn that Amon is taken to a place where everything comes full circle:

Amon Is forced to work in the mines!

PART 2, THIS BLOGS 300TH POST, WILL BE OUT IN MAY!