Butt-Craic, Da Wesht Ov Oireland!
After the Events of the Decay of a Dream, the only course of action was for the Cosmic Entities to literally wipe the Playing field and Start again. Discarding the mastermind behind it all, Sabaru into a Discard dimension with Eighties Lad to contemplate an Eternal Time out!
But there was a Cost, those actually killed during the Saburu's attempt on changing reality stayed dead. It was Tough on Joe Jack to Kill Mammie, But unlike his murderous acts before hand , when the Gravedigger Interned his mother, he marked it with a tombstone. After a while of mourning, The Sun had Set, and as Such, Eamonn took Joe-jack home.
When they left two Figures materialised in front of the Tombstone. They wore dark Clothes so they couldn't be made out!
"VELL, I THOUGHT ZAT ZEY VOULD NEVER LEAVE!"
"WELL, DOC, PEOPLE NEED TIME TO MOURN, BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT HAVE THE TIME TO MOURN THEMSELVES!
"POETIC AS USUAL, MEIN DEAR FRIEND! SO SHALL VE MAKE OURSELVES KNOWN TO ZER LOCALS?
The Second Figure who was Dressed as a cowboy, pulled a Sixshooter out of his belt and spun the Revolver before replacing it.
Lead the way, Partner!
AND NOW, OUR FEATURED PRESENTATION!
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 IN BRITIAN, PG 13 IN AMERICA, HOWEVER THE REVIEW IS WRITING WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!
Sometimes a Shock is not always negative!
Especially if that thing is a Film based in a franchise. And when Hollywood announces a film will be made out of a Video or Board game, announcement is met with Rolled eyes and long drawn out breathes.
Such as, but limited to-
Dungeons and Dragons, not recreating the plot of the Beloved Cartoon, but Pitting no one actors against Hugh "Perv-o" Grant (God it's being years I called him that! As many years as he's being last relevant!)
Monster Hunter, which saw W.S. Anderson Blow up the Nevada desert with his Hot, But Talentless Wife with 10 stacks worth of fireworks.
To the recent announcement of Live Action Borderlands, Where it's announced it will star Cate Blanchett playing a women half her age, Jamie Lee Curtis dressed as Dr Eggman, the OTHER Five foot Ariana with a squeaky voice, and Kevin Hart playing Roland, because they share the same skin colour!
And this was the reaction to A live Action Barbie. When People saw the Still Photos, they didn't hold out any hope of quality, including me!
But then the Critics came in and Soon People had their curiosities piqued. Could this film do the impossible and take the Ridiculous Premise of Something Doing a "Reverse Star Fighter" into our World, and being a good Film?
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| ...FOR A SECOND TIME? |
With its long list of Awards, maybe that answers your question?
So let's dig into the Barbie live action movie and see what they pulled from the 65 year old Back Catalogue!
The Film cover is simple enough-A Blue Sky, The Barbie Logo and Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling in a pink sports car. There is that one famous Copypasta I tried to find that once broke down that a woman with Barbie's Measurements would not be able to function. But Margot is perfectly cast as the Titular doll, not because she's Blonde or because she's Attractive, But she's tall! Looking at her arm, I thought they used CGI to make her arms and hands look like doll like! But no, ironically, the Film about the Doll that was Bashed for selling unachievable beauty standards, all beauty treatments for Miss Robbie are El Naturalle!
The Film Starts With a Send-up of 2001. In a Desert, a group of Victorian Dressed Girls play with Baby Dolls as the Voice of Helen Mirren narrates that in the Beginning, girls played with dolls however, their was only Baby Dolls, and while Baby Dolls are still popular, they only let Girls pretend to be mothers. ("Ask your own Mother if she's having Fun, the next time!")
However That all Changed, as the Girls crawl out from their cave to Witness the Giant Barbie that just appeared and they start Touching it like the monkeys in 2001 touching the monolith as Also Sprach Zarathustra plays throughout!
This causes the girls to smash their Dollies under the guidance of their new God, 50ft Margot Robbie in a one piece swimsuit as she changes the Course of dolls forever.
The Narration Continues.
"Barbie may have being a Blonde in a swimsuit that changed everything, but over the years, Barbie would change.... Herself!" As the Screen Fills with women of Different Ethnicities, hair colour, size and ability, as Helen tells us they are all Barbie...
Actually it would be better to say what they truly are, Characters with names that can't be copyrighted so their names are Interchangeable and innumerable that calling them Barbie, when the blonde is Barbie, is just easier!
"And Because, Barbie can do anything, Girls can do anything, and with Barbie as their Guide, girls never have to about Feminism and Gender Inequality-or at least that's what The Barbies Think, after all they are safe in Barbieland, Best not to burst their Bubble!"
And that's the plot!
In their own safe World, Barbies and Kens and even Alan (Michael Cera) live in Opulent ignorant Bliss since every Barbie doll has a high paying job. Also this movie is a Musical, but like my review of My little pony, I'm watching through lame lyrics to see if there are Easter Eggs or References. So Barbie's World is catered to her Very whim, even magic to defy the laws of physics. After all she's Original Barbie (later Stereotypical Barbie) a doll living in her own world. In a world were everyone is great in their own thing and everything works well for everyone, when we see president Barbie, An Awards Ceremony and even A trail with a Defence and Prosecutor Barbie that ends Amicably!
On the Opposite End, a Ken's Existence only Hinges on the Validation of Dating a Barbie, Since there are less Defined Variation of Kens, which means a Ken Finding the Right Barbie is hard. And it drives Beach Ken (Ryan Gosling) Crazy, to the point of doing crazy Stunts for Attention. But Quicker than you say "The Truman Show", Beach Ken bumps into the Wall where the sea should be, After Carrying Ken to the pink ambulance that folds into a Doctor's office with Barbie telling him he's brave, he admits he's not a Surfer Ken. He's just Worded as being "Beach Ken"- like, WHAT EVEN IS THAT? DO I LIVE AT THE BEACH, I'M NOT A SURFER KEN OR LIFEGUARD KEN, THEY ALREADY EXIST!
So Ken Finally Has Barbie's Attention and is invited to the Big Party Barbie throws for her friends every single night, Because nothing ever Puts Barbie Down, But Ken Being That Dude, Can't stand Barbie watching other Guys dance with "His" Girl. Thankfully all Barbies and Ken have a Sense of Naivety to them even when Beach Ken goes Full on Nice Guy, It's completely Ignored. Then out of Nowhere Original Barbie asks her Friends if they ever think about Dying, causing a Needle scratch!
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| "WHO STARTS A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT I JUST SAT DOWN!" |
The Next Day Barbie wakes up and nothing is going her way, even her magic is failing her, then on the beach the most Defining Part of Barbie Fails her-Her Feet land Flat on the Ground and she can't walk!
DID...Mattel themselves reference the Copypasta that I couldn't find?
So Doctor Barbie Gives Stereotypical Barbie the Bad News: She is Malfunctioning! There is only one Barbie that can Help her "Weird Barbie"...a Barbie Giving to the Type of Child who Cheered for Sid in Toy Story 1-Now Ironically the only one with extensive Knowledge of Malfunctions.
Weird Barbie (Played So well by Kate McKinnon) Tells Stereotypical Barbie What's happening to her an Emotional Riff between Her and her owner is causing changes to here, It's Flat feet Now, But soon it'll be cellulite and increases in Vocabulary and soon, Total Existential Crisis. So Weird Barbie has the 411, Go to the real World, Find her Owner, Repair her heart and Reverse this Perception before it's too late, but she says one thing further "You have to Fix her by Fixing yourself!"
Okay But how does Barbie get to a different World-I Don't Think there is an Astrophysicist Barbie...that's her Mother!
(No Seriously, in the New Cartoon for Barbie, Her Mother Margaret and her husband who is an Engineer is the Brains behind why Vehicles can transform into Houses!)
No Turns out She has to use the transforming sports car into different vehicles ending in Beach Ken Rollerblades to get to Los Angeles in our world.
But First everyone has to throw Barbie a "Bon Voyage Barbie, Hope Fix the Riff between Worlds and cure your Existential Dread, because -EWWWW! CELLULITE!" Party. Asian Beach Ken Bets with Beach Ken To ask Barbie to invite him, after he claims Barbie asked him to come already, so he Stowaways in Barbie's Boot and reveals himself when Barbie is singing along to the car Radio!
Barbie is worried That Ken will Slow her Down, however She realises that She doesn't have a pair of Beach Ken Rollerblades, But Ken Has a Spare and after many Vehicle and Costume changes, The two Dolls make it to Los Angeles and naturally in their Tie-Dye Pink Jumpsuits, they stick out like sore thumbs, the Stares making Barbie experience Anxiety For the first time! Then it gets worse, they skate pass a Construction site and all the Builders make Cat-calls at Barbie. It hits her like a ton of Bricks-There is Chauvinism In the Real World!
John Stewart: OH MY GOD (youtube.com)
Skating Further, Barbie gets spanked by a Dude-Bro and she Knocks him the Feck Out, causing them to be arrested, they are freed and but new clothes to fit in, Less ridiculous Cowboy fare, but are arrested again because they have no money, But the police let them go again because it's too Funny and Besides with the Crime Morality rate the way it is in LA, You probably don't have much funny stories to write in your Christmas letters!
Barbie Want to Figure Out Who her Owner is (Maybe she thinks it's some level of Psychic Link) so she mediates on a bus bench to find her, But she doesn't want Ken to get in her way. So Ken is told to look around and as he walks he sees Well Dressed, Successful and Handsome Men Everywhere, Finally he's found a world he can fit in..a World, by the way that's Affecting Barbie's current state.
But we Need Drama in Film Early, how many times have I Complained About no Conflict in Movies?
Meanwhile Barbie has Visions Of her Owner in Key parts of her life, They are all Silent Visions But she is a a Now Teenaged Latino Girl whose Mother is a Single Parent and a Nurse and She's Going through Growing Pains. Not Much to go On, But at least it's a start, and it make Barbie Cry for the first time ever, she Turns to see the first Old person she has every seen and tells her She's Beautiful. The old Woman Smiles at the compliment and she says she knows as both share a laugh before Ken returns and then resume their search.
END OF PART 1!
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