The last couple of years has not being kind to DC Comics Films.
Wonder woman 1984 was a Disaster, one that didn't understand the Origins of what is considered Diana Prince's rival Villain, Cheetah.
Aquaman had Amber Heard in it, and from the quality of line Delivery, she had a Film Hand hanging mid-air, or in the water with her holding an Idiot Card.
Black Adam would have being better if it wasn't for the Sabotage by its own Star, Rock "The Dwayne" and his Bottle Filling Johnson! And one day the amount of damage Johnson did, deserves its own Discussion.
Today we are Discussing a Film that was Sabotaged long before it's Star would get his own film, when they announced Ezra Miller was Still starring as the Flash after Justice League.
If Ezra Miller was Anything Before being A Wuss who Threw chairs at Women, he sure as hell won't be Anything after this film.
Ezra has being nothing but a Weirdo and a liability. He's gone on Spates of wild Behaviour, causing assaults and bar fights, including throwing a chair at a waitress in an unprovoked attack that left her scarred.
And those are the Things I can talk about without Google putting this review behind a warning, I can't go into the Full Details of that whole mess with Ezra and Tokata Iron Eyes, During the Filming of Fantastic Beasts, but that points to something a lot worse!
But with that Said, let's dig into The Flash.
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12. HOWEVER THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND. CERTAIN WORDS HAD TO BE CENSORED TO MAKE THIS REVIEW ADHERE TO GOOGLE STANDARDS. THIS FILM CONTAINS INNUENDO AND DESCRIPTIONS OF MURDER. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
The logo pushes the Cover art Down, taking up A Third of space and even then it feels Empty. On top we have the only thing that caused any buzz for this film: the Return of Michael Keaton as Batman. Beside his head and the Batplane, Sasha Calle makes her DC Comics Films debut as Supergirl and it looks like they painted The Suit on her and she's giving all the men the stink-eye for staring.
Put Down in the Bottom is Ezra Miller, and for all the Stuff he has Done, he should be Put Down.
We Open in a Deli in Coast City aka DC's Not-Boston. As Nervous and Socially Awkward crime Scene Technician Dr Barry Allen aka the Flash tries to order his Specific Usual, A Hi carb Version of the PB&J.
BACKSTORY!
It's common Knowledge that Superheroes need weaknesses for their stories to work. Superman has Kryptonite, Green lantern has the Yellow light of Fear, Storm has Claustrophobia. But the Flash's weakness is one shared by the Fastest thing on Earth.
Hummingbirds spend 85% plus of their waking lives eating nectar, so as such Barry's Super speed Powers has made His Metabolism Astronomically High.
It's just a Shame he's being served by the Biggest Dou***est Do***bag who ever D****ed!
So Barry gets a Phone-call from All People, Alfred Pennyworth, Butler for the Goddam Batman. He tells Barry there is a Hospital Robbery in Gotham and he wants him to kindly deal with it. Naturally Batman and Superman are Busy and They Telegraph The Wonder Woman Cameo Early, so No dice on help.
So Barry says Screw it, goes into the Bathroom, and transforms into the Flash where he is recognized by Fans. Usually he'd go on his merry way, but he's Hungry and his powers are tied to metabolism. So he sees one fan holding chocolate. "Give me your Candy bar in the name of justice!" ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!
As Alfred Berates him over his intercom in his helmet, Barry can't even enjoy the Non Descript Candy bar that Beans off his head.
And so he speeds off with some of the most Awkward looking 360 Degree Running, I know they wanted an Actor who's Body was Slender to pull off how an Athlete would run, but there is just something fake about How Ezra pumps his knees and bends his Elbows.
So the Flash Arrives in Gotham, as an Earthquake breaks Ground under a Hospital, where a Gang had just Gotten away with a Briefcase Full of Vials that contain viruses. While Batman is in Pursuit, Flash is on Rescue and Clean-up Duty, repairing Electrical and Gas Lines that were damaged.
And here we see the main problem with this film.
The Flash is a Whiney Little B***h!
No Kidding- Barry Spends all this scene complaining with his Voice Breaking at times that he's treated as the "Justice League Janitor"
Meanwhile the Real Action with Batman (Ben Affleck) chasing after the armoured car with the Bat-Cycle , he Shoots a Bat Spike trap at the Road In front of the Car, but they Start Blasting at the Caped Crusader.
Back with our hero ignores Alfred's Warning about the Hospital's Maternity wing Collapsing to complain about his lack of breakfast, So Naturally the Wing Crumbles as a Midwife and a whole Floor of New-borns Fall from the Sky, and the So called Comedy writers have the Nerve to have Flash say "Now That's what I call A Baby Shower"
Tapping into the Speed Force, the Pocket Dimension that lets him move in Planck Time, and turns the World Orange like the world was filmed in the Mexico Filter, the Flash does his best to save the day....but the first thing he does is smash a vending machine and gorge on the Stolen goods inside.
Usually I wouldn't say "OUR HERO, EVERYONE!" When our hero is actually put upon, but since this film had succeeded in assassinating Barry Allen's character- OUR HERO, EVERYONE!
Properly powered up, Allen uses A microwave and a Guerny to Rescue the Babies and the midwife. The microwave which had a Burrito he ate and stole, is where he puts a baby in. When time resumes, the microwave dings and he reveals the baby, no doubt suffering internal injuries from being stuffed in a working microwave!
Batman continues his pursuit, but the driver see Batman and Peaces out when the Dark knight attacks the other thieves, causing the armoured car to crash into a bridge and it results in Batman and the remaining thief to dangle over the river, with the Briefcase opening. Alfred stating that if at least one vial reacts with water, thousands will die by midday.
But wouldn't you know who won the pony? But Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) makes a cameo, rescuing Bats and the Thief with the lasso of truth. Flash has arrived and makes Goo-goo eyes at Wondie, as Batman can't stop talking about his Psychosis because of the Lasso of Truth. Flash tries to unravel Bats, but when he touches the lasso, he bursts out that he's a virgin.
Keep that Humiliation Train chugging down the line!
Finally getting his breakfast, Barry heads to work late, as his Boss, (British comedian Sanjeev Bhaskar) Berates him for being late and causing a backlog of cases, which makes Barry the Butt of the joke when his colleagues show that the boss has to do a press conference. Causing him to rant that investigation work is the only thing that shouldn't be Rushed.... says the man with super speed.
That's when Reporter Iris West, Barry's childhood sweetheart, breaks from the Press Gang and Barry loses the sense to form a sentence. Pushing away his equally Do**hey Friends to catch up with Iris.
Assuming you are reading this without ever reading A Flash comic or watched the TV show, Iris gives us exposition. Barry's Father is in jail for the murder of his wife under mysterious circumstances. That being his wife killed in a fight between A Future Flash and the Reverse Flash, This Event is what drove Barry to Forensics: in an attempt to clear his father's name.
When Barry returns home he finds a large Envelope from Wayne industries. The contents are a firestick and A note with 2 words written. "I'm sorry". Having his weekly phone call with his father, Barry examines the file on the firestick, and while it confirms Henry Allen was shopping that night, he never once looked up at the camera, so it's not conclusive evidence. But Henry doesn't want his son to waste the rest of his life trying to save him.
They go into a Flashback about Mrs Allen, but it only proves one thing.
Barry never Grew out of being a Petulant Brat!
Apparently, Nora Allen was Italian. On the day of her death, she had asked Henry to go for the store for Canned Tomatoes.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR DETAILS OF MURDER
When Henry returned, He finds his wife stabbed with a knife. And that's how the flashback ends, with Henry reiterating to his son he doesn't want him to throw his life away for him.
This makes Flash so Angry that he just runs so hard, that he reverses time. He explains this to Bruce, after reliving the day in A Groundhog day loop. Bruce Doesn't believe a word. He does, however, warn Barry that using this power will cause a Ripple effect that will change everything. When Bruce makes his leave, Iris Arrives to reminisce with Barry.
After some sad attempts at Comedy (Using Super Speed to clean a Dirty flat only for all the rubbish to fall out of a Wardrobe, or stealing Beers from a neighbours fridge by phasing through walls!) She says the exact same thing Henry did, but now Barry is more Adamant than ever to try and change the past to save his mother, without anyone seeing him, perhaps adding The Tomatoes means, Henry would not have a reason to leave the House.
In the Past flash uses his Sunny Delight Slow Mo powers to slip Tomatoes in Mrs Allen's Shopping Basket. As he runs forward to the Present, he sees new memories of the childhood he would have had, that is until a Second speedster, one with a glowing Skull Mask and Purple Tron lines and spiked Shoulder pads, kicks Barry into an unknown time.
After Pantsing an old man with his powers for a change of clothes, Barry enters his Childhood home and sees a Woman in the kitchen, with her back turned, she turns and it's Nora Allen. He hugs her and tells her he loves her.
As Barry Enthusiastically wolves down his Mother's Pasta. Something is off though, when his parents ask about "school" and not "work". It's when he Sees A Doppelganger coming this way and Stops him , under the Guise of a mugger using y-fronts as a mask, ask the second Barry how old he is. The 18 year old Barry ( who I will call Barry-2) thinks it's all "So Trippy Dude!"
This Dialogue Is So Trippy, Dude!
So, what's more Irritating than One Ezra Miller? A Second Ezra Miller Doing a Dude-Bro Stoner Voice! He even has this annoying laugh that sounds like a Engine Trying to start. So Barry-1 is stuck in the Past being blackmailed by the only person he should trust-Himself!
So Barry is like "Screw This! I Can't have myself destroy the Timeline, who ever heard of the Flash Destroying existence for everyone else, JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER AFTER A MISTAKE I MADE?"
 |
| HEH...HEH..HEH (SIGH!) |
So Barry opts to punch his Past self to make him Forget! It doesn't work and all it does is dislodge a front tooth, one that they glue back in place.
PLOT POINT!
Line up and take a Number, Ezra! Everyone wants to punch you!
...That is until he learns that today is the day Barry Got his Powers. Both Barrys have to recreate the origin story or Barry-1 gets Overwritten out of Existence!
So with Mom No Longer Dead, this New Barry Had No reason to Intern at Star Labs. So they have Break into Star Labs, or Barry-1 gets Nuked out of Reality. But he argues with himself in the chemical lab, as he Waited until NOW! to tell his past self his powers came from being electrocuted and covered in chemicals. This causes Barry-1 To be struck by Lightning and have that lightning passed through Barry-2. Those this Mean we have 2 Flashes?
Bad Choice of Words, I mean 2 Barry Allens.
I mean 2 Barry Allens, Alive at the same time!
Trying to escape, the Lightning Striking Barry-1 first means Barry-2 has all his powers transferred to him, But it took Days for Barry's powers to develop
....Until it isn't the case, and someone who hasn't the Emotional Maturity of seeing his stable life taken from him is now capable of Anything!
CASE IN POINT A MONTAGE TO SUPERGRASS WHERE HE PERFORMS SUPERD*CKERY TO NORMAL PEOPLE...UNTIL HE LOSES CONTROL THAT ENDS WITH A MOVING VAN OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENT CRASHING INTO AN OIL TANKER, WITH MUSICAL FLOURISHES OF THOSE INSTRUMENTS FLUNG IN THE AIR,ALL THE WHILE BARRY'S CLOTHES CATCH FIRE LEAVING HIM NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, HIS FLAMING UNDERPANTS THROWN INTO SPILLED OIL THAT LEADS TO A FIREWORKS FACTORY TO EXPLODE, THAT ENDS IN A CITY WIDE BLACKOUT!
THIS IS A REGULAR THURSDAY IN THE DC UNIVERSE!
So to Barry's Annoyance what took Months of training, Barry-2 can sus out with the Luck of Fools, like phasing through the floor of the flat naked and flashing a female Neighbour!
So it's time for the Training Arc where a Man who Matured (Somewhat) after losing it all has to train an Alternative of himself who never had it bad, But What is a Thing that will make this worse, Barry-1 never explains what happened to him!
After Barry-2 starts Complaining that the Flash's Supersuit is tight around his pelvis (except he didn't exactly say "Pelvis" if you catch my meaning!). This was the day General Zod invaded Earth and jammed Satellite frequencies. Flash tells Barry-2 that the Invasion of Metropolis was his first foray into hero-work...and the Biggest Failure of his life, when Zod Unleashed the World Engine to terra form the planet, the Flash could only save one child, as his fledging powers and homemade Suit worked against him. But if he gets the justice league together before the world Engine goes online it'll be a great help.
But In Barry2's Stoner pit Digs which he shares with People more annoying than him, Barry-1 finds via internet that Cyborg, Wonderwoman, and Aquaman's lives are altered from what Barry knows as evidenced when the Wastes of Oxygen tell them Michael J Fox didn't star in Back to the future in this timeline. But there is a Batman, as the disgusting Morons each Burp the "I'M BATMAN" LINE!
So both Barrys arrive at Wayne Manor, where everything looks above board, when they arrive the place has the door opened and the manor deserted like someone was in a hurry to leave, as they find a Single flip-flop and a pot of boiling water, But they are soon ambushed by a dishevelled man in one flip-flop with Kitchen Utensils. It is indeed Bruce Wayne, just not the Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) Barry knows!
Despite being a drunken Recluse, this Bruce Wayne is still the World's greatest Detective, Despite Being Older, than Barry-1's Batman he explains with Spaghetti he's making himself, hopefully in a way that even Barry-2 can get it, that Instead of making a branch in the time line by changing events in the Past, Barry's life instead has become the fulcrum of 2 intersecting timelines. And as Bruce empties boiled spaghetti in a bowl he says that The multiverse is like this bowl of pasta-certain Threads interlock via shared events while some are Different, which is why they knew he was Batman. Meanwhile Barry-2 is not getting any of this!
Barry-2 "OK, BUT WHAT DOES THE PARMASAN MEAN?"
Barry-1 "IT MEANS HIS DINNER IS READY, THE METAPHOR HAS BEING FINISHED FOR A WHILE!"
In this World without the Meta Storm, Gotham has become one of the safest cities in America. They are not prepared for Zod. Worst of all this Batman has not heard of Superman. And he passes on helping.
It's just a blessing that the world didn't change the Entrance to the Bat-Cave.
Phasing through a well and letting Barry-1 in via the door, the Speedy Superpowered Simpleton starts exploring the Bat-Cave and touching Batman's Stuff, While Barry-1 tries to find Clark Kent on the Bat-Computer. Annoyed by Barry-2's cavalier attitude, it's his remark of "yes, Mommy!" That sends Barry-1 over the edge, but the problem is he doesn't say "My Mom Died in my timeline!" When it just feels like, it's so simple to say!
As Barry-2 tuckers himself out from boredom, Barry-1 Notices the Camera and speaks to Bruce. Remembering the Spaghetti Analogy of intersecting timelines, while things are Different, some must have stayed the same like the Deaths of the Wayne family went to make a Batman. And the fact there is even Batman and a Flash to Face Zod, or try to, must be Fate. The Words reach him as he Scans his retinas through a Secret panel. It's time to Suit up and start the Bat-Plane, As the Bat Computer prints a readout that an Alien craft landed in Russia 50 years ago.
Breaking into a Secret Russian Military institution, Barry-2 knocks over a Shovel to alert the guards. He moves Barry-1 out of the ways of bullets which causes him to Projectile Vomit, while this Awesome Batman fight scene is also Happening.
Like you are enjoying fine Dining next to an opening Sewer, the one Bad thing is ruining the Great thing that's happening.
They find the pod which has being untouched for 6 decades. And inside is not Kal-el, but a Girl weak without Sunlight but Alive, they Escape under a hail of Bullets batman blasts a non working lift by blasting grenades to launch them to the Surface. The bad news is that All 3 men are captured.
The Good news is it's morning....A Sunny Morning!
5 minutes of Solar Exposure and Supergirl has killed all around her and she passed out. Back in Wayne manor, Bruce picks Bullets from his body, as Both Ezra's Jabber back and Forth. Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle) regains consciousness and Demands Answers. When Barry fills her in, she says what we all know, That She was sent to Earth First, but her Pod went into Difficulty, but instead of her waking as a Teen-ager years after Clark Kent grew into a Man, she is seemingly the only Neutral Krytonian on Earth.
After so long being a Prisoner, when she was just a Refugee Child, Kara is understandably Jaded by Humanity and flies off when her Strength is regained. Knowing how Desperate Things now are Without a Kryptonian on side, Barry-1 tells Bruce he plans on recreating the accident again to regain his powers. Even telling Batman his Origin Story and how his Mother Died in his universe....as Barry-2 listens on without them knowing!
Meanwhile, Zod makes Landfall as Kara looks on from a Distance. He and Elsa destroy a Battalion when Zod's demands for Kara is unmet! They turn to leave but Kara's utterance of "No!" Is picked up by the Super hearing of the villains, who turn to see her with their own telescopic sight.
As a Storm brews over Gotham city, Barry-1 plans on repeating the Meta Storms to get his powers back. Bruce now helping him in his Combination of Ben Franklin and Victor Frankenstein!
Barry-1 gets electrocuted, but it's not enough, Kara returns, snaps off Barry's restraints, and flies his burnt body into the Heart of the Storm, shocked further to kick-start his healing factor to recover his powers. Barry-2 steals a Batsuit to paint his own Flash suit as he gives Barry-1 his suit back. Kara asks why did they rescue her, when they were convinced they where searching for this Mythic "Superman"? Barry answers because she needed rescuing. Barry reiterates that they are down a Cyborg, a Wonder Woman and an Aquaman. But they still need a Batman. So Bruce tells them "Let's Go Nuts!"
The 3 men are Flying in the Bat-Plane , Supergirl flying alongside. Barry is explaining the gameplan from the Future while Barry-2.....(Sigh!)..... Barry-2 is using his phone's camera to Downblo**e Supergirl! And Denies it when he gets caught.
Yes keep doing that to the being with Super hearing and the Super Strength and watch her take you like a pill, you are so tiny.
Engaging the Kryptonian Army means Barry has changed the invasion of Metropolis by not being there to save at least one child. The Army is 200 plus strong enemy, each one with the powers of Superman. Kara confronts Zod, only to learn the Infant Kal-el was Euth**ized to Power the World Engine. Only for Zod to learn the Knowledge crystals were implanted into Kara's mind, not her Cousin's. Making her DNA the final key to terra form Earth into a Second Krypton.
Since the Batsuit is not designed to transfer Electrical Energy Safely, the Suit Starts to charge an Influx of Electricity. So Barry creates a makeshift Laser from it, that blows the Idiot back, until Barry tells him to use his hands to complete the circuit, which makes him look like he's doing a gang sign. They head into battle with the worst battle cry of "Come on Barbie.... Let's Go Party!"
As Batman and the Flashes hold their own, Zod plays possum and Stabs Kara to death. Meanwhile Bruce Kamikazes the Batplane to take out Non. Getting shell shocked, Barry-2 goes back in time with Barry-1 trailing behind him.
Changing the Future Flash tells Batman how to safely take out Non. Despite having a plan for the time in his life, Barry-2 can only watch to see Zod Stab Kara to death again. Batman Takes out Non with Grenades but he still Dies via explosion.
Barry-2 keeps Changing the past when Heroes Die, Each time Adding a New Knife that he has stole or is lodged into himself from engaging Zod, But it still results in Kara's and Bruce's Deaths. All it does is Bring what is dubbed by fans "Flashpoint" closer to this reality-a universal reset that will change reality, wars are lost, whole families are unborn and all because Flash makes a mistake!
Barry-1 confesses that he came back to save to his mother, only for Barry-2 to admit he heard him and Bruce. He tries to tell Barry-2 that Kara's and Bruce's Death are canon Events to this world whose time is now up because of the coming Flashpoint, the only way to undo is to break the Fulcum event, ie: Let Mom Die!
And the Thank god it never happened reality of Nic Cage as Superman
By the way, before anyone asks-NO this is not THE Reverse Flash who Killed Nora, this is A Reverse Flash, Because as I said in the Blue Beetle review earlier this year, DC has the strange habit of thinking Sequels are a sure thing, And Will only break out Major villains for sequels. Also , I tell a lie-he's not even A Reverse Flash! According to the DC wiki he is "Dark Flash", a term that is never used in the film.
What? Did you honestly think we were going to have the Flash have an epic Showdown in his own film?
*SNORTS*
Barry-2 final Words was to tell Mom he loves her, Disheartening given what he has to do next.
And so to Wrap It Up, Barry reverses the time-line back to normal, Putting the tomatoes out of his mothers shopping trolley, But Not before Striking up a conversation with Nora, as a total Stranger who tells her about his grief, Not recognizing her adult son, Nora hugs Barry before heading to the future without either parent for 20 years. He wakes in his flat and sees a beer from Iris and a Post-it Note wishing him luck at His Father's Hearing....A Hearing he is comically late for! Which he speeds to make a dramatic entry into the courthouse.
Barry Did change the future, while he was there, he can't change death, but he can change lives of the living, like using his speed to stack Canned Tomatoes from a Middle shelf to a top shelf, in turn causing Henry to look at the Store security camera on the night his wife died, thus Collaborating Barry's Evidence.
So In the end, Henry is Acquitted, Iris asks Barry out and everything seems back to normal...Until George Clooney walks out of Bruce Wayne's limo to pick Barry up and Barry's front tooth falls out! After the Credits we see a stinger of Barry trying to explain Multiverse theory to a plastered Arthur "Aquaman" Curry (Jason Momoa), who's more tickled while pickled, that he was a Jack Russell in a different Universe!
THIS FILM SUCKS, EVEN WITH THE GOOD WILL OF CAMEOS AND RESPECT TO THE CORE STORY!
But this film was pulled from cinemas due to the Backlash of it's "Star" Ezra Miller and even then he's overshadowed by the return of Michael Keaton as Batman and a Very different take on Supergirl, Filling the role of her more famous cousin by a very intense Sasha Calle. Even the Time travel effects like shows the concept of the entirety of Time as a Spinning Zoetrope is a Neat effect and Nifty Story Device
The Problem is you Can't hang your Hat on Miller's Performance, Either as the Retentive Barry-1 or the irritating Barry-2 (They really had the stones to Write a Joke about an 18 year old Barry-2 Leering over the Body of a Canonical 16-year old in terms of story, given what was publicly written about Ezra at the time!) in fact, all the attempts at Comedy seemed off, But that pales in the reveal of the posthumous Cameos, Which, I'm Sure DC had permission of the families and Estates Involved to do so, But it's the Quality of how they look, they look like they were drawn by Neural Love!
The Villains are weak too, Zod gets a paragraph of Lines, Elsa gets none and Non is CGI. (And yes in Man of Steel, They are not ACTUALLY! Elsa and Non, they have different Names, But they are so similar and their names so forgettable, they might as well Be!) Reverse Flash is hyped and even he is a disappointment, dying 5 minutes after his reveal.
In the end people may ask what would things be like if they just gave the cast from the low-budget TV Show The movie rights? Would it succeed? Or would it have still tanked? Who's to say? But sadly we are stuck on this timeline with this film!
CREDITS
The Flash was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)
With Media used from:
The Flash
Dc Comics
BBC Earth
Letterkenny
All Rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.
The Flash is property of DC Comics, with The film Produced by Warner Bros.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
Former Big time tv Star? Check!
Terrible Cgi? check!
Shoestring Budget? Check!
It's The Halloween Special! We have the very worst of The freeview Horror and Sci-Fi channels, As Dawson is up another Creek, as James Van Der Beek, looks into The Eye Of The Beast!
AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF THE STORYLINE.
The 2 Deaths of E Chapter Four: Behold the Sephiroth, Behold the Appraisers of Will!
Eamonn, was continuously led by his kidnappers, The Plague Doctor Just known as Herr Doktor, and shockingly, Death Himself! Both are seemingly Working as Bounty Hunters for a new extra-dimensional Threat, the Appraisers of Will, masters of the Pocket Dimension of The Literal Grey Area, the place where the forgotten thought acuminate. Some times, as Is the case here, whole beings are forgotten.
The Gasmasked Kidnapper has leaded the party with some kind of Device, that measured memories lost, as the Dimension they were in was nothing more than an existence on a plain adjacent to reality. It pained Eamonn to see Humans who may help him in some way pass him.
Ah, and ve are now here, said the Doktor, pointing to a darkness more warped than the greys they had seen. He pressed a few buttons on his device. And a door opened. They jostled Eamonn in and they followed suit, Death's Pistols still aimed on the Human's Back.
The world blurred into a solid pitch blackness, the only colours from the 3 humanoids who entered. Soon they were joined by 10 Lights in the Distance 2 Lines of 5 dots on each side of the peripheral, that sped to met each on the horizon, only for the 2 middle dots to speed towards Eamonn, the 2 next paired up Only to do the next thing, until he was surrounded. They are Moving using a rail System, Eamonn Realised As soon the 10 Robotic Cabinets Surrounded him. Each front had a Roman Numeral And a Jewish Word which served as the Appraisers names, in each glass chamber was an Item of Great Importance Pertaining to the name.
The First 2 that approached him were 10 and 9, 10 was a throne and was named "Malkuth"-Kingdom next was 9-Yesod- "Foundation" and his treasure was a brick, supposedly from a cathedral, from the world he came from.
Next pair was Hod- "Splendour" the 8th canister held a gilded Vestige from some lost religion, and 7 Was Netzach, the word for victory, held a sword, his carrier was Different as it was built with panels that revealed Weaponry.
Flanking each Arm was 6 and 5. 6 was Tiferet, meaning Glory and it's treasure was a Parchment. 5 was Geveruh "Disciple" and it's treasure wasn't even one you couldn't Debate, as it was a teacher's Metre-stick one that was bent and Splintered from years of Abuse. The sight of that kind of gave Eamonn Second Hand Ptsd from stories he heard.
In front of him was 4,2,1 and 3 from left to right, he would learn that 3 and 4 were the only psyches from the treasures powered by the canisters that Identified as Females, and spoke in Female Voices while the others spoke in a robotic tone, and took advisory roles for the group. 4 was Chesed "Kindness"-her treasure was the Most twisted of all as floating in some kind of preserving liquid was an Umbilical Cord! She would Boast it was the first Sapient Humanoid, but how would that be possible? were these consciousness truly from the treasures, Or was there a Man behind the curtain to these Appraisers Of Will? 3 was Binah "Understanding" in her cabinet was a yellowing Scroll with Tora written on the outside and Tied with a once white ropes, blackened with dirt and age.
And Finally in front of their Prisoner, finished in Gold and Platinum, was 2, Chokmah "Wisdom, who carried a bible, and finally 1, The Leader of the group. Keter "The Crown" which was the same item held within his Canister.
"OH GOODLY, AN OTHERWORLDLY ALIEN THREAT WHO THINK THEY ARE GOD'S AND THERE'S 10 OF YOU, HEY! THE DALEKS CALLED, THEY SAID YOU'LL HEAR FROM THEIR LAWYERS!"
"I,-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK: "Welcome, Human Happening, To the Grey Area"
I-KETER-WILL-SPEAK: Yes, Welcome Human Happening, You are a very Special Creature indeed, You are the last of your concept, a Writer on the Internet, a dying concept, being Eroded in time, and that's why you are primed from Extinction.
I-CHOKMAH-WILL-SPEAK: "And we will cater to your Needs, until the end, Happening, but you will not be alone.
"...Because I have all of you?" Yeah, Sorry, I don't play well with others! and Neither do you if I'm stuck playing cards til the end of time with things with no hands, also this one has a Umbilical cord In her, Sorry Luv, I think you are a little too forward in showing me that!"
I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: "HOW DARE YOU, HUMAN! SPEAK TO US IN SUCH A...
KETER: OVERULES TIFERET: "Silence, Tiferet!"
I-KETER WILL SPEAK: "we will be here but you are not will not leave, just as we can't Do you not realise where we are? And what we are?
That's when Eamonn, Truly looked around and not on the floor that was Rigged to manoeuvre the Mechanical Cases, he was not in a Giant Clock. he saw Dioramas of Aztec and Inca life. He saw the Actual "Little Red Bus" the Amelia Earhart plane hanging from the ceiling, under class was Sunken Pirate treasure, a whole wall for odd Socks! Thing's believed to be lost to time...
because they were....
"I am in a Museum....For things forgotten," He said Sombrely
I-KETER-WILL SPEAK: "Indeed, and you be an exhibition here until your demise, We will be your tenders, your co-workers and your caseworkers.
"Caseworkers?"
I-HOD-WILL SPEAK: "If a creature becomes aware of our duties, We must personally appraise the creatures worth. And see if we can continue to give him the will to continue!"
So the Artifacts at the museum Curate themselves? Isn't that like the Inmates Running the Asylum?
I won't be here for long, even if you stop me, i will be rescued!
NO YOU WON'T
All ten said that, it must have being something they all agreed on saying!
To get here you had to be Forgotten, to leave here you have to be remembered, You have No-one in your Universe who can help.
Meanwhile, in Earth-1's Hell...
"SO THAT'S WHERE HE IS! THOSE FISHTANK PEND*JOS HAVE HIM! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT IMMA COMING!
THE 2 DEATHS OF E WILL CONTINUE IN NOVEMBER!
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