Ticket to hell: space Bimbos in space: Valerian the finale-REMASTERED!

We start part 4 with a representation of the flow of this film, a Cascade of garbage falling into a sewer! Valerian an Laureline are arguing again, but are interrupted by coughing, Bubble is dying, she turns into Nefertiti, tells Valerian to save the Mulians, turns to Ash and dies.

So if you were keeping score, Rihanna has being on screen for 5 minutes! 2 in a musical scene, 3 minutes as a voice, and somehow, got more publicity when this film was in the trailer stage of production!

MONEY WELL SPENT(!)

Given that the heroes have being lied to by commander Phillips one man Genocide of the Mulians, except he THOUGHT! the planet was uninhabited and the file classified to save face. The fact the planet had creatures that shit fuel that could power Alpha for a decade? A HAPPY ACCIDENT! I mean, if the empire knew about the converters, then of course they would have invaded!

So In the end, even the villians are idiots!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc

This revelation triggers Clive Owens' Over Acting to constipate for the leads underacting! Blah blah blah For the Empire, blah blah blah DEY TUK R JOOOOOOOBS! BLAH BLAH BLAH WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY, when either the emperor or empress speaks (It's confusing since DelaBrokenSpellcheck voices both) forgives Phillips, all they wanted was the Convertor so they can leave! But Phillips goes full Space Nazi by asking " How Dare IT Pity Me?" Causing Laureline to Knock Phillips the fuck out ! Valerian refuses to give Tiger to the Mulians out of Naive loyalty to Earth, but Laureline tells him that she won't marry him because he has trust issues, and that is the first step towards True love!

Or some bullshit!
If this was delivered by a better actress to a person that didn't look like one of the Autons From Doctor Who, I would care!

Dale DeHaan

Auton from Doctor Who!

So Tiger eats a pearl whilst Bathing in Magic Water, making him poop so many pearls that shatter and terraforms a 20th century Chinese Satellite into a second Mule. The empress uses her Psychic powers to remove Liho's Soul from Valerian. However despite copping on the gas was a lie, the earth army still think the Mulians are the enemy, but using a pods communication relay that wasn't turned to sand, (how convenient!) Laureline slaps Around Phillips til he confesses.

But since Phillips has his own Private Robot Guard, they Slaughter Human and Mulian alike, Valerian requests rescue from Alex, whilst Laureline Beats the piss out of the commander, the Mulians escape by turning their planet and themselves into a LGBT flag cloud, The commander arrested and Laureline changes her opinion on Valerian's marriage proposal...to thinking about it!

This Film is an Expensive Prostitute....it looks pretty, but in the the end it costs too much and it still sucks!

Like I said Luc Besson has a tendency to cast beautiful people, regardless of talent and well, Dela-whatever is no ScaJo...and DeHaan is no actor, full stop!

You thought DeLazyEye had to be carried in Sui-SHITE Squad, Then Dehaan is a complete backbreaker! Granted it's his first starting role, but it's a starting role in a sci-fi film. We are supposed to seeing this new world in the heroes eyes, to feel what he feels, But his rushed dialogue, Echoing Monotone, and lack of emotion is rife, every experience, from betrayal, to injury, to wonder, even getting a lap dance from FREAKING RIHANNA! every experience is met with the same look of....

Speaking of Rihanna's involvement in this movie did everyone else dirty, she was promoted heavily, her scene was the review scene for tv broadcast, as well as the ad campaign. Her entire screen time? Five Minutes! 3 of that 5 was as a voice! And she died after her scene!

Valerian and Laureline are idiots, despite at this juncture since this is not an origin story, they should not be, Valerian is a Major, Laureline a Sargent, they should not this dumb, if it was a an Origin Story, if Laureline was fresh off the time machine from the Middle Ages, then I wouldn't have issues, but the source mythos Of these characters that most English speaking cinema goers never heard of! Still I would have liked the banter between the leads to extended "CMON BABY, LEMME SMASH DAT!"

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

As of right now, my local Internet Cafe has reopened, so this combined with the fact that this review is 4 parts long (without the storyline elements!) means i won't have time time to draft the next review! My Super Ex Girlfriend will now be September's review. Good News is that when i do return with new content, It'll be July. Bastille Day. All things French Celebrated. And you know what that means!

4 NEW EPISODES OF CODE LYOKO: RETURN TO THE PAST NOW!

CREDITS 
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was reviewed, compiled and edited on a later date by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media from
In Part 1
Valerian City of a thousand Planets
In Part 2
Valerian
JonTron
In Part 3
Valerian...
Persona 5
Code Lyoko
Linkara and Phelous Review the Airzone Solution
Wonder Showzen
and in Part 4:
Valerian.....
Fairly Odd Parents
Doctor Who!
MST3K
With Music "Combine Harvester" by The Wurzels
The Film was Produced by EuropaCorp.
( AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF SABATAGUE BY SLEEP!)

(Meanwhile....Eamonn woke as a gentle Breeze and Harsh sunlight touched his face, The Warmth and the Breeze Felt Worlds Apart from the Cold Void of Space...that he...just died....(NO THAT WAS A DREAM....A NIGHTMARE!....THEN WHY DID FEEL COLD TIL NOW...?) His eyes Adjusted to the surroundings he was in a open structure like a Roman Villa. He was lying on a Four Poster Bed, Art hung on walls and houseplants fragranted the Room from the large open windows. He was not alone. A tall, Athletically-built woman, wearing a negligee lay next to him, looking at him expectantly.
-(Yawn!) oh...er good Morning?
-Good Morning, Dear...Sleep well?
(Eamonn stared at the this Strange woman, until something in the back of his mind forced itself to the fore-The Name of this Woman and who she was to him)
-Yeah....Morning Sabaru, I guess i had another nightmare
-The space nightmare again?
-Yeah about Earth being Destroyed! How i couldn't save my friends, my race...
Luckily i was glad I meet you Maras and you rescued me, nursed me back to health, you Especially Sabby...and with your kind biologically identical to humans...when I ask to marry You and you said you were pregnant....it was like a dream....me the last human Champion....you...the last female Mara....
-Please! It was more like one of those cheesy Re-population Erotic stories you'll read online!
-(Eamonn Rolled Over and pinned The Woman as she laughed) well then less act out a few scenes! Wait! The Kids! Where ARE THEY?
"-OH MY GOD! I TOTALLY....Dressed and feed them and sent to to school without waking you up!"she joked
Very funny, now if you don't mind i need to freshen up!

(Eamonn rose and went to the bathroom. He approached the Mirror and started to brush his teeth, Not knowing he was being observed In a 2-way mirror! He was in fact in a globe-like structure, with other creatures and other humans going through the same morning routine! A Drone resembling A spider with a camcorder for a thorax used Celluloid wedding to navigate to a mass of Wires spiraling down to a throne)

MISTRESS....ALL SIGNEES ARE ALERT AND ALL CONTRACTS ARE IRON-CLAD!

( The Female Figure rose and as she did, some connecting wires freed her from her place, she wore a red Split Leg Dress made from a light Metal-like Polymer, Her Pink Chromed Skin shining in contrast to the gold in her Knee Shoulders, Elbows, Fingers and Toes, She walked over the Mirror where Eamonn was washing himself. Her Pink face hiding a blush, Her Gold Lips pursing at the sight, her long Wire "hair" dragging like coat-tails at her "Prize Prospect")

"GOOD" Replied Sabaru
"THIS NEW SEASON IS GOING TO BE EXPLOSIVE"

TO BE CONTINUED....

SABOTAGE BY SLEEP WILL CONTINUE IN AUGUST!

Ticket to hell: space Bimbos in space: Valerian part 3-REMASTERED!

To the surprise of No-one, Commander Phillips is Evil, and is torturing a Lohrian that His Slaveship captured from the beginning for information

Turns out Valerian isn't a complete idiot and refused to let Laureline give Tiger over to him.

At the same time, because Val gets so huffy that he can't smash women, even if he asks nicely, he pulls rank on her and makes her guard the corridor, this is when she gets accosted by creatures called the Duro-Dagi, long nosed rat pigeons that value money and information over all...and if the long noses didn't cop you on that this is a Jewish stereotype the fact that they sound like Jeff Goldblum on Helium is why they were referred to as "Space-Jews"

Anyway, the Duro-Dagi are so knowledgeable, yet so greedy and abhorrent, that bribing them for gossip is how they function! So they tell Laureline that the single human empire Liaison to Planet Mule Died in a "Bullet Related Accident!"

That is when the Lohrians (ok at this point in the film, it's revealed that they are called "Pearls"...WHICH IS CONFUSING BECAUSE THE MACGUFFIN IN THE PLOT OF THIS FILM IS ACTUAL PEARLS...So, I have decided to call them Mulians, after their planet, despite the planet being called Lohr and they change it a scene later!) Attack with guns that shoot spider webs. Carrying away the commander, who they thought had Tiger on him.

A Chase scene happens but the Mulians get away...because even in the 26th century...maps can still be held upside down!

The Alex picks up Valerian and for a species who fight with Spears, Mulian Ships are advanced, so advanced that whilst given Chase, the Alex Crashes, and Valerian is propelled into the Slums of West Alpha, and while Alex can still be spoken to, he can't return

Laureline wants to rescue Valerian, but she is ordered not to, she points out that the so-called enemy used non violent weapons, and they are from a destroyed planet whose last liaison was possibly murdered to keep quiet, which means the Empire has lied to everyone this outburst makes the garrison arrest her, but since it seems men have devolved into not take women seriously, they get their asses kicked! She escapes with the Duro-Dagi who tell her how to track Mulian Brainwaves, she needs a cortex jellyfish, which can be fished in the North Alpha Sea by submarine, the Jellyfish,  when worn, can track Psychics, but can only be farmed off the heads off sea monsters! Wait...

The Real-Life Supermodel who just happens to be Real-Life Lesbian has to wear a Live Jellyfish?

Monsieur Besson....

After wearing the Jellyfish, she doesn't find a Mulian Mind, she finds Valerian's in a Deactivated powercore, however the Duro-Dagi sell info on Laureline's whereabouts back to the army!

Oy Vey! Dem Wacky Space-Jews!

Valerian is found conscious in a mine shaft, and when Laureline rescues him, all she gets is a kiss on the cheek. This sets off Laureline on a tirade on how the other soldiers don't take her seriously enough, but it boils down to :

Laureline: you treat me like shit!
Valerian: ....and you love it, Baby!

Meanwhile General Odarabah has found the Mulian that Phillips was torturing. Turns out if a Mulian is close to death, it can just combust into energy!

In case you can't tell, instead of giving English audiences who didn't grow up on this comic an origin story, the only way they can push this story along is by passing the Idiot Ball to each other, .meaning it's now Laureline's turn to be rescued, so watch as she goes from competent Badass, into "OOOH, LOOK AT THE PRETTY BUTTERFLY!" In a hot minute!

"DUH... LOOK AT THE 2 BUTTERFLIES, VAL, DIS ONE AND THE OTHER ONE I'M STARING AT, 10 MILES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

Said Butterfly is used as bait by the Bulongar, a race of cannibals who literally use butterflies on fishing rods.

Fat, Black, Cannibals wearing loinclothes who do a nut when a white woman will present herself to him okay....you asked for this!

By now, you are screaming the same thing I did watching this scene
"YOU ARE A COP! THEY ARE CANNIBALS! ARREST THEM!"

And while you might be right, being a cannibal is a lifestyle choice and arresting them will cause a diplomatic incident, but Alex suggests Deputizing a Glamourpod- a shape shifter- to sneak in. Luckily, Valerian is close to Paradise Alley, a red light district.

Turns out a date worse than death is waiting Laureline-she is to entertain so she is forced into a wedding dress to work in the Red Light District, Laureline just goes along with it

(DEEP BREATH!)
YOU.
ARE.
A
COP.
WITH.
A.
GUN!
SHOOT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!
actually you have something better, you have Tiger, who can shit bombs!
ACTUAL! FUCKING! BOMBS!

So Val goes to the strip club to recruit a shape shifter to pose as a Bulongar. Said shapeshiter is revealed to be Rihanna, who starts her floorshow

2 WASTED MINUTES LATER!
While that doesn't seem like much, every second counts in an action film. And we have reached Peak Levels of Luke Besson, wasting the special effects budget to put Rihanna in 20 Fetish Costumes in 2 minutes!

After the show, Valerian tries to recruit the Glamourpod, but she tries to turn tricks by turning into Laureline, Valerian whips out his gun in the strip club (PAUSE!) He shoots a stun blast at the club owner, but the shapeshifter tries to save herself by turning into Val's boss and Valerian aged 10 (Who the stupid idiot doesn't even Recognize!)

So Valerian gets Bubble (Rihanna) onside as Glamourpod are kidnapped for their abilities at a young age (by human standards Bubble is only 4!)  So Glamourpods are mostly Liquid, with means they can share there powers by covering a human, so they sneak into a second club to save Laureline from cannibals and it's now Dinner time!

So the Cannibals all line up with offerings of meat dishes to quell the hunger of Emporor Bulan the 3rd, and nothing works until Laureline comes out holding lemons and a wearing a juicer on her head. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScdkcM98czU

The lemons are not the offering, they are the garnish and Laureline just let's the cannibal pour lemon juice on her head and then the penny drops! Val kills the emperor and after fighting 20 tribesmen and the two heroes and Bubble escape into the sewers.

We are nearly finished! Brace yourself next week for part 4 only on Bogger box office!

AND NOW.....CHAPTER ONE OF THE NEW STORYLINE!: SABOTAGE BY SLEEP!

It had being an entire year since the events of  Heavenscar, the fight between Eamonn and Eighties Lad, both possessed by the Cosmic Entity of Rage, Until Oracle Of Earth 3 became her world's Champion, The defeat of Rage caused a universal reset, everyone returned to their worlds of Origin. But as Eamonn was floating in the void he created, bleeding out his now severed arm. It caught the attention of...Something
Something as Ancient as The Cosmic Entities.
......as Powerful
.....as Manipulative
......As Deadly!

(Cut to Present Day and if you thought you had a bad Day, Consider Your Earth Being crush by a Meteorite, and no longer having Technology or Magic to Deal with it!

Y'Know Dis iz a Suicide Misson, RITE?
-Yes I Know
An' Your Arm gru bac in da Reset, we aven't Teschted out ow strong ya r....
-Yes I Know!
N da Train to Hell, we Know it can Fly but what if ya Burn up in the Asmosphere?
-JOE-JACK! I Know! Look it seem bad....ok it is bad! But the Last few months have made me realize that i am not a leader of people, and if i save the world in secret once more everytime, that I could live with that...for everyone who is not here!
-AH KNOWS DAT! I JUS' WANNA HEAR YOU SAY DAT? COS I CAN'T SUEDE YA OTHERWISE! ALL I CAN DO IZ WISH YA GUD LUCK!
 (Eamonn set the co-ordinates for the meteorite that was heading this way. And it was Huge! Despite Powered by Magic and Anger, the Train to Hell does not have weaponry. Eamonn's Plan was to ram it repeatedly and then proceed with one of 2 plans.

a: If the Metorite fragmentated, most pieces would burn up in the atmosphere.

or b: if it was stronger than it looked then pushing into out of Earth's pull.

In the End, Plan b was used, and try as our hero might, the plan failed, the train to Hell Mangled in Unearthly Alloys and Prehistoric Ice, as the mighty collision happened, Earth one's Champion was propelled once more in the vacuum of Space!

Gasping for air, feeling helpless, Eamonn Knew one thing, that unlike Any other Human His Death would not be long and painful.

and That Saddened him.

His frozen Body touched something, he could not feel anything, so he did not register the giant hand out of a Wormhole that now held his corpse like one would hold a gentle butterfly!

ACQUISITION REQUIRED! BEGINNING BRAND EXTENSION OF TERRAN HOME-WORLD P3-R1: EARTH!