We covered our fair share of terrible comedies before, From Gervais Creating Religion, to Merchant making Rock regret Hollywood, to Wayan Brothers, to All things SANDLER FILM! But there is a special place for Keith Lemon, And that's the bargain Bin
Keith Lemon (The Alter-Ego of Leigh Francis) is well....A DISGUSTING DEVIANT!
There is nothing redeemable about his show Celebrity Juice, which he basically just sexually harasses anything with Breasts and torture contestants with Single Entredre Prop Gags like literally "HIDING a SAUSAGE" In his arse-crack!
Remember when i did the Harry Hill Movie, where he spent the whole film in character? This film is like that...EXCEPT STARRING A MAN WHO IS THE HUMAN BILLBOARD FOR PEPPER-SPRAY!
AND JUST LOOK AT THIS CAR-CRASH THAT IS WAITING TO HAPPEN!
As someone who watches and reviews wrestling on the regular, I should not be repulsed by a man having his shirt of! YET I AM! He also has an iphone down his trousers, and Kelly Brook caressing his shag carpet-esque chest! They are also going for some Hindu God imagery as Brook's extra arms are holding Booze (possibly to get through what happens in minute one!) A stack of cash and an award statue made by a posing late Verne Troyer!
TIME TO BRING OUT THE BIN IT'S....
After 5 trailers, it's now time to start the movie, and it's not a good sign when it starts with Luther Van Dross, and Keith doing a running Commentary on his love making To Kelly Brook! (YEAH LUV, ALL OVER YER BIG PAIR OV BANGERS!")
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!
Of course it's all a dream, he's not banging Kelly Brook as his Girlfriend watches, he wakes up in a boxroom flat in London, his sheets covered in what i hope is fake tan! As his girlfriend Rosie calls from Leeds in the North of England
Keith is an inventor of Sorts, Here in London for a Convention for 9, but it's now 10, He has a gross-up close up bathing routine and shares a cab with each of the spice girls...who still live in England, sharing his exposistion that he's invented a new kind of Security pole, HE LOVE'S PHALLIC PROP DOES OUR KEEF! (" Maybe i can one in yer front Passage, or Yer Back Passage!")
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 2
You'll notice i didn't mention any scenes involving camoes of Keith's impressions from his 1st show Bo Selecta, it's because I Didn't have Channel 4 til 10 years ago, I grew up with S4C, Which meant Welsh language prime programs and everything else moved by 2 hours!
The Convention Centre is crammed with Cheap Argos Toys and Cheaper z-List Celebrities like Jedward, Keith Reveals his Invention, a security Pole on a hinge "I 'av a big Erection, an' i can get it oop quickly!"
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 4
Naturally noone is impressed!
...Except for one idiot, an Indian Smart Phone inventor, his product is called the "Touch-I-Text-Send-I-Phone-i-Sell-Invention"
The....T.I.T.S.I.P.I.S.I!
After Driving home the fact that's it's called a "Tistsy-Pissy" for 5 minutes, Stupindar (Yes, a racist sounding Insult that sounds like an ethnic Name!) knows his phone won't be sold because he is not a confident salesman like Keith, so One man is a terrible salesman with a great Product, Keith is has the opposite problem, You reading this knows what's going to happen...EXCEPT THEY DRAG IT OUT FOR 20 MINUTES!
Before he becomes Steve Jobs, He exposes himself due to a daydream...Just Because
Back in Leeds, SecuriPole gets an Order of 1 Million Products From....Evil Steve, A Villain who gets his rocks off from 2 things, Asking small Companies to do impossible orders, and collecting the foreskins of those who fail as trophies!
Back in London In a Strip Club, He meets up with Gary (Paddy McGuiness), A fellow Northerner who tries to de-sway Keith from Moving to London, Because he may become a sell out, and he would be able to tell, also you can't order a drink in London in A northern Accent, As "Glass of Coke" becomes "Ass full of my Cock!"....SOMEHOW!
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 5
Back in Leeds, Rosie protests that only Keith has the rights to sign any orders, and only an idiot would sign that! This Brings out Douglas, dressed as Keith...
Oh yeah, i forgot to mention it, because i didn't think it was important, but Keith has An Autistic Stereotype, who was told to act like "Keith Lemon was still here!" Meaning he has signed an other thinking he would do it, Taking out a Pregnancy Test that he thought was a pen, revealing Rosie is Pregnant! Oh and Billy Ocean is Keith's Biological Father, since we are crowbarring Plot Devices!
Walking through a subway, Keith get's Mugged by a Bunch of Knuckle Dragging Chavs
Really Sad to be mugged by your TV Show's Target Audience, eh Keith?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMdmPZ4Xk1w
Since this film is Meandering From one set piece to another, Keith speaks to the audience via his Inner Consciousness, as The Chavs steal his trousers, we see that Keith does a little game of what he is thinking of right now and his Consciousness fills with Asses! He is revived by the ringtone of the Titsipisi, to meet up with a Fixer!, A bloody, trouserless Keith Realises he has nothing to lose.
Following the phone's Sat-Nav, he arrives at a huge mansion, which is compensating for something becaue the Fixer...is Verne Troyer!
Archimedies, The Fixer is more of a case worker than a hitman, Keith Explains the situation, as ridiculous as it is! Back in Leeds, Evil Steve appears because his name was said 3 times, Steve (also Leigh Francis) kidnaps Rosie, like this film was going to have a 90's-style platformer video game tied into it!
It Took Keith almost to the end of Part 1 to Rebrand the TITSIPISI Into the Lemon Phone, Achimedies Plan is to Head to ITV, to let Keith sell his phone on David Hassellhoff's late night chat show, That's when he meats...ahem...meets the Real Kelly Brook and his daydreams go apeshit again!
He talks to her and actually tells her he had a sexy dream about her, which repulses her, Not Knowing Kelly is on the show too. Keith is about to blow his chance, until he sticks Lemon shaped Jelly on the back of the phone and it lights up like the inside of The Ark Of the Covenant!
And that's it! A SHINY LIGHT IS ENOUGH TO TURN A SUBSTANDARD MOBILE INTO THE MOST DESIRABLE THING EVER AND FOR KELLY BROOK TO JUMP ON KEITH'S BONES!
END OF PART ONE!
YOU WANT TO SEE HOW FILTHY THIS CINEMATIC SEWER-PIPE CAN GET?
COME BACK FRIDAY THE 1ST OF MARCH FOR PART 2
ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
Keith Lemon (The Alter-Ego of Leigh Francis) is well....A DISGUSTING DEVIANT!
There is nothing redeemable about his show Celebrity Juice, which he basically just sexually harasses anything with Breasts and torture contestants with Single Entredre Prop Gags like literally "HIDING a SAUSAGE" In his arse-crack!
Remember when i did the Harry Hill Movie, where he spent the whole film in character? This film is like that...EXCEPT STARRING A MAN WHO IS THE HUMAN BILLBOARD FOR PEPPER-SPRAY!
AND JUST LOOK AT THIS CAR-CRASH THAT IS WAITING TO HAPPEN!
As someone who watches and reviews wrestling on the regular, I should not be repulsed by a man having his shirt of! YET I AM! He also has an iphone down his trousers, and Kelly Brook caressing his shag carpet-esque chest! They are also going for some Hindu God imagery as Brook's extra arms are holding Booze (possibly to get through what happens in minute one!) A stack of cash and an award statue made by a posing late Verne Troyer!
TIME TO BRING OUT THE BIN IT'S....
After 5 trailers, it's now time to start the movie, and it's not a good sign when it starts with Luther Van Dross, and Keith doing a running Commentary on his love making To Kelly Brook! (YEAH LUV, ALL OVER YER BIG PAIR OV BANGERS!")
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!
Of course it's all a dream, he's not banging Kelly Brook as his Girlfriend watches, he wakes up in a boxroom flat in London, his sheets covered in what i hope is fake tan! As his girlfriend Rosie calls from Leeds in the North of England
Keith is an inventor of Sorts, Here in London for a Convention for 9, but it's now 10, He has a gross-up close up bathing routine and shares a cab with each of the spice girls...who still live in England, sharing his exposistion that he's invented a new kind of Security pole, HE LOVE'S PHALLIC PROP DOES OUR KEEF! (" Maybe i can one in yer front Passage, or Yer Back Passage!")
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 2
You'll notice i didn't mention any scenes involving camoes of Keith's impressions from his 1st show Bo Selecta, it's because I Didn't have Channel 4 til 10 years ago, I grew up with S4C, Which meant Welsh language prime programs and everything else moved by 2 hours!
The Convention Centre is crammed with Cheap Argos Toys and Cheaper z-List Celebrities like Jedward, Keith Reveals his Invention, a security Pole on a hinge "I 'av a big Erection, an' i can get it oop quickly!"
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 4
Naturally noone is impressed!
...Except for one idiot, an Indian Smart Phone inventor, his product is called the "Touch-I-Text-Send-I-Phone-i-Sell-Invention"
The....T.I.T.S.I.P.I.S.I!
After Driving home the fact that's it's called a "Tistsy-Pissy" for 5 minutes, Stupindar (Yes, a racist sounding Insult that sounds like an ethnic Name!) knows his phone won't be sold because he is not a confident salesman like Keith, so One man is a terrible salesman with a great Product, Keith is has the opposite problem, You reading this knows what's going to happen...EXCEPT THEY DRAG IT OUT FOR 20 MINUTES!
Before he becomes Steve Jobs, He exposes himself due to a daydream...Just Because
Back in Leeds, SecuriPole gets an Order of 1 Million Products From....Evil Steve, A Villain who gets his rocks off from 2 things, Asking small Companies to do impossible orders, and collecting the foreskins of those who fail as trophies!
Back in London In a Strip Club, He meets up with Gary (Paddy McGuiness), A fellow Northerner who tries to de-sway Keith from Moving to London, Because he may become a sell out, and he would be able to tell, also you can't order a drink in London in A northern Accent, As "Glass of Coke" becomes "Ass full of my Cock!"....SOMEHOW!
ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE COUNTER: 5
Back in Leeds, Rosie protests that only Keith has the rights to sign any orders, and only an idiot would sign that! This Brings out Douglas, dressed as Keith...
Oh yeah, i forgot to mention it, because i didn't think it was important, but Keith has An Autistic Stereotype, who was told to act like "Keith Lemon was still here!" Meaning he has signed an other thinking he would do it, Taking out a Pregnancy Test that he thought was a pen, revealing Rosie is Pregnant! Oh and Billy Ocean is Keith's Biological Father, since we are crowbarring Plot Devices!
Walking through a subway, Keith get's Mugged by a Bunch of Knuckle Dragging Chavs
Really Sad to be mugged by your TV Show's Target Audience, eh Keith?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMdmPZ4Xk1w
Since this film is Meandering From one set piece to another, Keith speaks to the audience via his Inner Consciousness, as The Chavs steal his trousers, we see that Keith does a little game of what he is thinking of right now and his Consciousness fills with Asses! He is revived by the ringtone of the Titsipisi, to meet up with a Fixer!, A bloody, trouserless Keith Realises he has nothing to lose.
Following the phone's Sat-Nav, he arrives at a huge mansion, which is compensating for something becaue the Fixer...is Verne Troyer!
Archimedies, The Fixer is more of a case worker than a hitman, Keith Explains the situation, as ridiculous as it is! Back in Leeds, Evil Steve appears because his name was said 3 times, Steve (also Leigh Francis) kidnaps Rosie, like this film was going to have a 90's-style platformer video game tied into it!
It Took Keith almost to the end of Part 1 to Rebrand the TITSIPISI Into the Lemon Phone, Achimedies Plan is to Head to ITV, to let Keith sell his phone on David Hassellhoff's late night chat show, That's when he meats...ahem...meets the Real Kelly Brook and his daydreams go apeshit again!
He talks to her and actually tells her he had a sexy dream about her, which repulses her, Not Knowing Kelly is on the show too. Keith is about to blow his chance, until he sticks Lemon shaped Jelly on the back of the phone and it lights up like the inside of The Ark Of the Covenant!
And that's it! A SHINY LIGHT IS ENOUGH TO TURN A SUBSTANDARD MOBILE INTO THE MOST DESIRABLE THING EVER AND FOR KELLY BROOK TO JUMP ON KEITH'S BONES!
END OF PART ONE!
YOU WANT TO SEE HOW FILTHY THIS CINEMATIC SEWER-PIPE CAN GET?
COME BACK FRIDAY THE 1ST OF MARCH FOR PART 2
ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
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