(The fiery apparition floated still in the garden, laughing and looking coy, the heat and flames dissapated and revealed more of a shape of a little girl in a sundress and her hair in pigtails.
SEE YOU SOOOOO-OOON! I WANT TO PLAY! I WANNA PLAY HIDE AND SEEK BUT I THINK IT WILL TURN INTO A GAME OF COPS N ROBBERS! HHEHEHEHEHEHEHE (...before igniting and streaking away!)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(There is no good songs on the soundtrack of this film, so Instead check out this song by my Twitter friend, Boogs Malone, this is Fugazi, and you call follow him in the links given in this video!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaN5QpowubU
IT'S BARREL SCRAPING SEASON AGAIN IN OCTOBER! As once more we have the worst Horror and Sci the Genre has to offer! This year the Shark film gets scrunitised, but it's not Sharknado, it's not Ghost Shark it's this! Raiders of the Lost SHARK~! This film is so low on the radar but JUST LOOK AT THAT COVER!
THIS IS GONNA BE BAD, OR STUPID, OR A BIT OF BOTH~!
WE GET A "SIKE, WE LIED!" Fake Disclaimer saying that this is a true story!, If that was the tip of the spear of what counts as humour in this film, you would be BEGGING for a film with Ricky Gervais in it!
We open this years Amateur Hour (SERIOUSLY! A) The film is only an hour and 7 minutes long, and B) it looks like it's being shot on an iPhone)
Anyway, Two Inept Guards are Guarding an Empty Lake when one Guard who had driven to replace the other has also bought a pair of Stupid Sexy Teens to Make Out with the Guards!
AAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER ONE GUARD AND ONE TEEN ARE EATEN BY THE SHARK CLIP ART!
QUESTION!
If a lake is being guarded by a Security Company, Then Maybe they should have being told WHY IT'S BEING GUARDED! 2! WHY IS A GREAT WHITE IN A FRESH WATER LAKE? OK SALT-LAKES ARE REAL, ONLY UNCOMMON, BUT UNLESS I AM TOLD OTHERWISE, I AM ASSUMING THIS IS A FRESH WATER LAKE!
After Opening Credits, We Cut to a classroom of Four, being taught about Megalodon by a teacher clearly 5 years old than her students! When Miss Reynolds is Questioned about her theroy that Megalodon is not extinct, we see a flashback of what i assume is a sister eaten before her eyes, as a mysterious woman looks on! Meanwhile at the Lake, Inept Guard #2 and Stupid Sexy Teen #2 are also eaten
3 of the Classmates May, a nerd stereotype, Steve, a jock Stereotype, and Kimberly, a Bimbo Stereotype exposist that Miss Reynolds is the only survivor of an incident on nearby Murphy's Island, So the 3 friends decide to go to the Scary lake, because they are bored!
At said Scary Lake, 2 Compentant Guards find their Colleagues clothes ,and call their boss the same woman Noseying in the school, She yells at them to collect the evidence, destroy it, and to get a sample for the lad technicians. One of them sees a body flailing, and goes to collect it (must have being a real stroke of luck that today of all days, you decided to wear a bikini under that uniform, huh?) giving that Compentant Guards in Bad Horror Films call only die in Heroic Sacrifices or doing their job, When the Guard realises that a body was manipulated as bait for a trap, it is too late!
At school, the Mysterious woman, Jen has asked Prof.Reynolds to come to the Island, Reynolds blurts out that she has not told anyone about what happened Years ago. We cut to our other bad Horror Film Trope-The Ineffectual Sherrif-Despite Canada having Captains and not Sherrifs-Wait, this Shark film is set in Canada?
So not only is it a freshwater Shark but a Cold-Blooded, yet Cold-Resistant Shark? The "Sherrif" goes back to sleep as his stoogey Brother in law deputy covers for him?
At a Real Restaurant, Jen Exposists over the sound of real work being done, That her Evil Oil Company of Evil, Drilled through a see cave and Released a Megaladon, they also conducted some experiments on it, though i would imagine why an oil company would mutate an already giant shark. How hectic is the energy market? The class hired a ship, manned by the unhinged Captain Strupid (Played by Not-Michael Dorn!)
More Stupid People are Eaten, This time Tourists who checked the lake on Trip Advisor.....
.....
NO!
THIS FILM IS TOO STUPID TO GO ON WITHOUT ME NOT STATING THE OVIVOUS IN THAT SENTENCE!
THERE ARE TOURISTS!
GOING TO A LAKE THAT IS GUARDED BY A PRIVATE SECURITY COMPANY!
WHERE PEOPLE DIED!
AND THOSE DEATHS ARE PUBLICLY DOCUMENTED!
BUT SOMEHOW TRIP ADVISIOR HAS RECOMMENDED THIS LAKE AND NOT BOUGHT UP ANYTHING I JUST SAID!
....YOU. MAY. PROCEED!
Strupid, May, Steve and Kim are on their way to the island. In Jen's Office, Reynolds says that loud noises may work on the shark. but is shocked to see her students sailing on the security cams. The students Investigation quickly becomes a bunch of Stupid Sexy Teens having a boat ride, as they have changed into bathing suits, though May has kept her glassses and her shorts on meaning she may still survive.
More stupid people die as now the Shark Clip-Art CAN NOW FLY! but the black person in a horror film didn't die, so...PROGRESS?
Jen give a small plane to Reynolds to fly to Murphy's Island. The shark attacks the boat, and Captain Strupid, turns out to be a captain stupid dies by getting his head ripped off by putting it in the lake to check for sharks! An Unconvincing, overly Professional looking set of dives have put the students in the water, Kimberly is the next victim, followed by steve after May calls Reynolds and mishears advice. May survives since she wasn't dressed as a skank. Swimming to the shore, May starts fleeing (ok, more like Casually walking inland, where she Uncovers Dr Howell, A Mad Scientist that experimented on the shark. Jen, Dr Reynolds, Captain Sherriff and the Deputy arrive on Murphy's Island.
So Lets Finish this!
The Flying Shark Destroys the Plane, Jen offers Dr Howell, who is her ex-husband, his job back at Evilco. But they are eaten Next. May cuts herself to draw out the creature and Reynolds throws a Charge of Dynamite into the creature, the explosion of guts covers the Hapless Deputy for grins!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Sharknado may have an Xfaxtor to why it's successful, But this film is just Baaaaaaaddddd!, for the reasons i just stated and explaining it again would be exhausting!
CREDITS
Raiders of the Lost Shark was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli)
With media from:
Raiders of the Lost Shark
"Fugazi" by Boogs Malone
Raiders of the Lost Shark was Distributed by Kalidescope Films. All Rights Reserved.
All Media belong to their Respective Owners!
NEXT MONTH!
Technically, the Xmas Episode is episode 135, but if you haven't seen it already, I have started a restrospective on one of the most famous and contreversal cartoons ever made...Code Lyoko!
SEE YOU SOOOOO-OOON! I WANT TO PLAY! I WANNA PLAY HIDE AND SEEK BUT I THINK IT WILL TURN INTO A GAME OF COPS N ROBBERS! HHEHEHEHEHEHEHE (...before igniting and streaking away!)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(There is no good songs on the soundtrack of this film, so Instead check out this song by my Twitter friend, Boogs Malone, this is Fugazi, and you call follow him in the links given in this video!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaN5QpowubU
IT'S BARREL SCRAPING SEASON AGAIN IN OCTOBER! As once more we have the worst Horror and Sci the Genre has to offer! This year the Shark film gets scrunitised, but it's not Sharknado, it's not Ghost Shark it's this! Raiders of the Lost SHARK~! This film is so low on the radar but JUST LOOK AT THAT COVER!
THIS IS GONNA BE BAD, OR STUPID, OR A BIT OF BOTH~!
WE GET A "SIKE, WE LIED!" Fake Disclaimer saying that this is a true story!, If that was the tip of the spear of what counts as humour in this film, you would be BEGGING for a film with Ricky Gervais in it!
We open this years Amateur Hour (SERIOUSLY! A) The film is only an hour and 7 minutes long, and B) it looks like it's being shot on an iPhone)
Anyway, Two Inept Guards are Guarding an Empty Lake when one Guard who had driven to replace the other has also bought a pair of Stupid Sexy Teens to Make Out with the Guards!
AAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER ONE GUARD AND ONE TEEN ARE EATEN BY THE SHARK CLIP ART!
QUESTION!
If a lake is being guarded by a Security Company, Then Maybe they should have being told WHY IT'S BEING GUARDED! 2! WHY IS A GREAT WHITE IN A FRESH WATER LAKE? OK SALT-LAKES ARE REAL, ONLY UNCOMMON, BUT UNLESS I AM TOLD OTHERWISE, I AM ASSUMING THIS IS A FRESH WATER LAKE!
After Opening Credits, We Cut to a classroom of Four, being taught about Megalodon by a teacher clearly 5 years old than her students! When Miss Reynolds is Questioned about her theroy that Megalodon is not extinct, we see a flashback of what i assume is a sister eaten before her eyes, as a mysterious woman looks on! Meanwhile at the Lake, Inept Guard #2 and Stupid Sexy Teen #2 are also eaten
3 of the Classmates May, a nerd stereotype, Steve, a jock Stereotype, and Kimberly, a Bimbo Stereotype exposist that Miss Reynolds is the only survivor of an incident on nearby Murphy's Island, So the 3 friends decide to go to the Scary lake, because they are bored!
At said Scary Lake, 2 Compentant Guards find their Colleagues clothes ,and call their boss the same woman Noseying in the school, She yells at them to collect the evidence, destroy it, and to get a sample for the lad technicians. One of them sees a body flailing, and goes to collect it (must have being a real stroke of luck that today of all days, you decided to wear a bikini under that uniform, huh?) giving that Compentant Guards in Bad Horror Films call only die in Heroic Sacrifices or doing their job, When the Guard realises that a body was manipulated as bait for a trap, it is too late!
At school, the Mysterious woman, Jen has asked Prof.Reynolds to come to the Island, Reynolds blurts out that she has not told anyone about what happened Years ago. We cut to our other bad Horror Film Trope-The Ineffectual Sherrif-Despite Canada having Captains and not Sherrifs-Wait, this Shark film is set in Canada?
So not only is it a freshwater Shark but a Cold-Blooded, yet Cold-Resistant Shark? The "Sherrif" goes back to sleep as his stoogey Brother in law deputy covers for him?
At a Real Restaurant, Jen Exposists over the sound of real work being done, That her Evil Oil Company of Evil, Drilled through a see cave and Released a Megaladon, they also conducted some experiments on it, though i would imagine why an oil company would mutate an already giant shark. How hectic is the energy market? The class hired a ship, manned by the unhinged Captain Strupid (Played by Not-Michael Dorn!)
More Stupid People are Eaten, This time Tourists who checked the lake on Trip Advisor.....
.....
NO!
THIS FILM IS TOO STUPID TO GO ON WITHOUT ME NOT STATING THE OVIVOUS IN THAT SENTENCE!
THERE ARE TOURISTS!
GOING TO A LAKE THAT IS GUARDED BY A PRIVATE SECURITY COMPANY!
WHERE PEOPLE DIED!
AND THOSE DEATHS ARE PUBLICLY DOCUMENTED!
BUT SOMEHOW TRIP ADVISIOR HAS RECOMMENDED THIS LAKE AND NOT BOUGHT UP ANYTHING I JUST SAID!
....YOU. MAY. PROCEED!
Strupid, May, Steve and Kim are on their way to the island. In Jen's Office, Reynolds says that loud noises may work on the shark. but is shocked to see her students sailing on the security cams. The students Investigation quickly becomes a bunch of Stupid Sexy Teens having a boat ride, as they have changed into bathing suits, though May has kept her glassses and her shorts on meaning she may still survive.
More stupid people die as now the Shark Clip-Art CAN NOW FLY! but the black person in a horror film didn't die, so...PROGRESS?
Jen give a small plane to Reynolds to fly to Murphy's Island. The shark attacks the boat, and Captain Strupid, turns out to be a captain stupid dies by getting his head ripped off by putting it in the lake to check for sharks! An Unconvincing, overly Professional looking set of dives have put the students in the water, Kimberly is the next victim, followed by steve after May calls Reynolds and mishears advice. May survives since she wasn't dressed as a skank. Swimming to the shore, May starts fleeing (ok, more like Casually walking inland, where she Uncovers Dr Howell, A Mad Scientist that experimented on the shark. Jen, Dr Reynolds, Captain Sherriff and the Deputy arrive on Murphy's Island.
So Lets Finish this!
The Flying Shark Destroys the Plane, Jen offers Dr Howell, who is her ex-husband, his job back at Evilco. But they are eaten Next. May cuts herself to draw out the creature and Reynolds throws a Charge of Dynamite into the creature, the explosion of guts covers the Hapless Deputy for grins!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Sharknado may have an Xfaxtor to why it's successful, But this film is just Baaaaaaaddddd!, for the reasons i just stated and explaining it again would be exhausting!
CREDITS
Raiders of the Lost Shark was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli)
With media from:
Raiders of the Lost Shark
"Fugazi" by Boogs Malone
Raiders of the Lost Shark was Distributed by Kalidescope Films. All Rights Reserved.
All Media belong to their Respective Owners!
NEXT MONTH!
Technically, the Xmas Episode is episode 135, but if you haven't seen it already, I have started a restrospective on one of the most famous and contreversal cartoons ever made...Code Lyoko!
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