The Forge Of Creation.
All Realities once where unstable piles of nonreactive atoms before expanding from this place. It is the home of Beings called Cosmic Entities, Creatures that relegate the destinies of every single life, on every single world of every single universe.
With Powers like that, You would wrongly call them Gods
But like the Greek Gods, these Entities control the plain of existence like a boardgame, the game is so massive and Quasi-Political, that the entire population of Entities would stop and watch!
That is where we begin.
The game has being so popular that the Cosmic Entities have no time to control the small things like similes and idioms. So under the games room, A man in coveralls is sweeping. He has a pointed nose and a Grindstone on a heavy chain around his neck. His name is Nose Grindstone, Chief of the Cliches Department. and the game abovejust gotten rowdy!
OI, KEEP THE BLOODY NOISE DAUN! SOME OV UZ 'AV JOBS T'BE DOING!
...
Bloody 'ell! Them Upstairs said i'd be getting a 'ppentice t'work 'ere!
(Nose turned when he heard not one but 2 train whistles! he saw 2 trains. one of the trains was the Express Train To Hell!)
Aw No...Not these Wankers again!
(Sure Enough, A portal Opened behind them and 3 men, one with a glowing fist, another in a mullet on a skateboard, another unwashed holding a shotgun ran out to the Express Train, knocking over Grindstone and smashing a floor tile with the Stone in the process!)
You Bloody Gits! Just because you saved them upstairs, doesn't mean you can act like yer own the plaice!
(The Other train materialized away, leaving a shadowy figure that looked like a paper cut out. The Figure was 2 dimensional. but it had mass. It was Tall with long legs, broad shoulders, and a tapered figure. It's "hair" made Nose realize the figure, which he called a Lost Memory, was Male)
"Hello?"
"Wotcha, Mate? I'm Nose Grindstone, your caseworker! Wot's yours? Oh, I'm sorry you're a lost Memory, that's why you where pushed off the Train!
-What Train?
-Why The Train Of Thought, me Old Son! And that means until we find out what you were, you are put to good use working 'ere, in the Forge of Infinity, makin' the world turn. Now lets have a good look at ya!,,,Hmmm....Strong....Tall....I could do with a chap like ya...You look like "Daryll" to me...Howzat!
-Better than Memory, i guess!
-"Well we better get to work" Grindstone said as he led Darryl into a large with Pipes snaking over the ceiling. underneath the open ends of the pipes, Giant Hats over them the orifices, upturned to gather large piles of cards!
"This the Opinion Room, this is where the Literal Cards are thrown into the hat! and you are going to help me move some into storage! Just hats that have died down are too be moved, lad."
(Darryl moved a hat with "Emoji movie " sewn into this brim. "Wow this is heavy" he thought as he put it onto Nose's Forklift! He laid on the floor, exhausted as he did a single card fell on him.
"Boss...this came out of the pipe!"
-That's odd, i thought noone else 'ad an opinion on this still?
-Yes who is"Eamonn Bermingham"?
-BLOODY HELL! It's bad enough he knocked me over and now i may have to deal with him?
-But Who is he?
-"BEEP BEEP" Grindstone's pager went off and he read the message "No time fer that, lad! we are needed in the Stone Room to Turn every stone there...'ope your a Memory ov a Packed Lunch, cos you'll need one!....
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqQnR8NOVI
Years ago, I reviewed Surf's Up, Sony's Sad attempt to cash in on the Success of Happy Feet. In that Review I made a joke on how that film seemed to made by a Boardroom executive, pointing at a stooge and asking what like? This time When the finger was Pointed, a different stooge must have said
"DURRRR...SORRY BOSS, I WAS ON MY PHONE, LOOKING AT TWEETS ON HOW MUCH PEOPLE DON'T WANT A MINIONS 2 OR US RAPING THEIR CHILDHOODS BY MAKING ANOTHER LIVE ACTION HANNA BARBERA MOVIE...WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"
Never in all 10 years as a critic has a film got every Other Critic so angry! Last year, Cinemassacre, Peanut Butter Disaster, Channel Awesome, The Indie scene of critics, Professional Critics, Screen, Sound and Scripture, Every Critic regards of Media or Method laid waste on this film...AND I DIDN'T WATCH OR READ ANY OF THEM!
It's Because I wanted to have a clean slate going in, I wanted to Condemn this film on it's on merits, not on the opinions of others
Lets start as i always Do with the Cover...OR COVERS!
Yeah, this film has cover variants....AND THEY ALL SUCK! The whole idea of Cover variants is that you want to convey a different scope of the same movie, a Logo on a black or solid white screen, for intrigue, a fight scene, for drama, even a group shot that was taking dramatically can help, But it doesn't help if all the variants have the same elements to them, Gene is always centre, Jailbreak is always posed as a faux action girl, and Hi-five is in the same pose in all of them. And if you think just mirror imaging his face to look right instead of left, in lieu of drawing him looking right could fool anyone...it didn't! SONY, YOU ARE NOT SLICK!
Oh yeah and this film has a sentient POOP!, Because Kiddies film!
After a Phone Puts an emoji onto the face of the Columbia Pictures Logo (Because throwing that much money at something means you MUST! do something obnoxious, way before someone even speaks!)
A voice exposists that the story is held inside a smartphone, each app is a perfect microcosm in a bigger, more profound existence...MAKING THE TEENAGE MORON THAT OWNS IT LOOK COOL FOR GIRLS! The user is called Alex and his life will effect what happens in the main story, That of Gene (TJ Miller!)...who then insults the entire Demographic.
"With Life getting Faster, And Attention Spans Getting Shorter and...You Aren't Even Listening To Me At All, Are You...Who has The Time to Write FULL WORDS? (SCOFF!)
(RAISES HAND!)
Emoji's are just ineffectual Nonsense, Most phones, even my weak little Touch-Tone Samsung, Has 501 CHARACTERS, enough to say a whole paragraph of intelligent messages, none of that "LETTER U MEANS YOU!" GARBAGE! Why? BECAUSE TEXTS COST LESS THAN CALLS! And with calls you have to have at least 3 bars of coverage to make a call you just need 1 bar of coverage to make a text!
Inside the Phone is a city called Textopolis, All the Emoji's have one job and only one job. Gene is a "Meh" Face, a job easier said than done, because Gene has more than one emotion! Gene Parents take their son to one side and tells him he is not ready, But Gene say he Won't let them down!
AAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER!
Gene chokes on his first day at work, when Alex sends a text to a girl he like and Gene makes a different face, And because the film outright said "YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID TO TALK OPENLY WITHOUT A PHONE GIMMICK!" Alex thinks the phone is broken and plans to Reset it's Factory settings.
But before that we are introduced to Hi-5 (James Cordin), The Film's (Supposed) Comic Relief, Instead watch as Corbin, holds pity parties for himself, set off traps and make Hand and Finger puns that would make Batman and Robin Mr Freeze say "Yo, those Puns are Fucking Lame!"
Hi-5 Wants to get into the Favourite's File, Represented as an Exclusive Club, Causing this Malfunction, Gene's family's Social Standing is ruined because the Reset will wipe the favourite file clean. because Society is about Popularity and nothing else, right?
So Smiler is having a Hard-time being Happy, even Resorting to Dental Equipment (The film takes a dark turn when she makes a noose out of floss and threathens Gene With a hook. The Anti-Virus software that looks like the secret love-children of RoboCop and a Dementor Attack Gene who Escapes into the Favourites File, where Hi-five has snuck in. When the Bots attack Hi-Five brings Gene to the place he will be save...A Losers Lounge for unused emoji's (including the controversial eggplant! maybe not have THAT in a KIDS FILM, AT ALL?" Hi-5 reckons Gene can go to a Hacker in the Piracy App to Get Reprogrammed, which is different from what Smiler wants to do, somehow?
AND NOW! PART ONE OF RED MIST CLIMAX!: THE EVIDENCE!
(on the train from Hell, Joe-Jack was Riled up on what had to witness, This Creature...this Wicked Child....It hurt Mammie!
Physcially and Emotionally!
(Days Before 80's Lad made a machine to extract Memories and transmit them as images and film!
-Mammie, sit down please, Joe-jack said, leading his fragile, Alzheimer's suffering Mother to a chair where 80's lad put a helmet with a comical looking attenna on top!
WHAT FUNNY LOOKIN' HAT! ARE WE GOING TO A WEDDIN'? IT BEING SO LONG I WENTZ TO A WEDDIN'!
(The screen went from static to a scene of a wedding that Mammie had being too)
-So I guess my Machine works, huh!
-Mammie...Joe-jack said with an uncharacteristic calmness and subtlety as he held up a photograph of the Wicked Child, Who is this?
Mammie Cried as the screen blurted memories and sounds in and out, distorted sounds, Nightmares horrible experiences flashing in and out!
Mammie, you gotz to tell me! I need to know! DID ME DA KILL THIS GURL!
-NO HE DIDN'T! HE DIDN'T EVEN MET HER!
DEN WHY DOES SHE WANT REVENGE ON UZ?
COS I LET HER DIE! SHE IZ DEAD COZ OV ME!
The screen bubbled with imagary as three little girls in long dresses in fields. The Now Calm Mammie smiled as watched the recollection of her childhood
"That's me, Me Sischter, Margo!
(Oh Yeah, Margo, The Zombie that tried to Attack the Anomaly and paid for it!
AND ME OTHER SISCHTER, ROSE! as the 3rd girl was revealed to be the form the Wicked Child took!
"Other Sister, Why haven't I meet her?"
-You have meet her, she iz a ghos, COZ I LETZ HER DIE!
(THE SCREEN FLASHED BETWEEN IMAGES OF ROSE AS A HUMAN AND THOSE OF THE WICKED CHILD AS MAMMIE WAILED!)
-We are losing the memory!
-Joe-Jack you have to ask her while she is hooked to the machine!
-Mammie, 'ow did Da Wick-How Did Rose Die?
Mammie Closed her Eyes and Breathed Deeply. She Then Remembered a Tall Man in a suit, Too tall for the then little girl to see his full face!
"I'm afraid this Fever is part ov a Terminal Illness wot Little Rose, has Gotz, so it iz!
-Can't we get it Cured!
I'm afraid da closet plaice fer Treatment iz Dublin. and travel will only make da symptoms worse!
"Everyday Oi stayed, Puttin' wet towels on her little forehead, changing bed sheets, getting her medicine, until da day the pills rans out
-AW SHITE! I'm sorry Rose I have to go to the Chemists to get your Pills and make you better
nnn....NNNNNNOOOOO! don't (cough!) go
-I have ta! But I'll be back soon
-Promise?
"I Promise!" I said, Wif a silly liddle and on me art! I was only gone 5 Minutes....I Was only gone 5 minutes...GOD IN DA SKY, PLEASE I WAS ONLY GONE FOR 5 MINUTES! when i saw Margo
....And WHERE YOU? She said in her Uniform, she had to go secondary school, but I was still in Primary, and Daddy said i could learnz readin from 'im anytime!
I had to get the tablets from da chemists
....you know them tablet do fuck all, and now look what you done!
-WHAT YA MEAN?
COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.........ANNNN.........IEEEEE
JAYSUS CHRIST, ROSE!
(Mammie hooked to the Machine, extended the hands to clench the hands of the memory, Miming everything that would happen next!)
ROSE....ROSE...I'M HERE NOW...OI'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!
ANNIE.....YOU.....PROMISED......
ROSE! ROSE! WAKE UP! I GOT YOUR MEDICINE! ROSEEE!!!!!!!!
....So The Wicked Child was not Murdered, but Mammie's sight of it, caused Guilt, but her own dementia made her forget why, but she knew her from somewhere? THAT'S HEAVY!
-I DON'T GET IT! A Little girl dies of a Fever, but her body appears at a riverback 70 yar latah, gets me arrested for murder, scares a bunch of kids and their family and runs ov a pair ov Queers tryin' to get married in the church it makes no sense!
...I'm afraid it does!
We are Dealing with something More Cosmic, Something that took Mammie's Memory as a figurehead to an Invasion!
RED MIST CLIMAX CONTINUES IN PART 2 OF EMOJI MOVIE NEXT WEEK!
All Realities once where unstable piles of nonreactive atoms before expanding from this place. It is the home of Beings called Cosmic Entities, Creatures that relegate the destinies of every single life, on every single world of every single universe.
With Powers like that, You would wrongly call them Gods
But like the Greek Gods, these Entities control the plain of existence like a boardgame, the game is so massive and Quasi-Political, that the entire population of Entities would stop and watch!
That is where we begin.
The game has being so popular that the Cosmic Entities have no time to control the small things like similes and idioms. So under the games room, A man in coveralls is sweeping. He has a pointed nose and a Grindstone on a heavy chain around his neck. His name is Nose Grindstone, Chief of the Cliches Department. and the game abovejust gotten rowdy!
OI, KEEP THE BLOODY NOISE DAUN! SOME OV UZ 'AV JOBS T'BE DOING!
...
Bloody 'ell! Them Upstairs said i'd be getting a 'ppentice t'work 'ere!
(Nose turned when he heard not one but 2 train whistles! he saw 2 trains. one of the trains was the Express Train To Hell!)
Aw No...Not these Wankers again!
(Sure Enough, A portal Opened behind them and 3 men, one with a glowing fist, another in a mullet on a skateboard, another unwashed holding a shotgun ran out to the Express Train, knocking over Grindstone and smashing a floor tile with the Stone in the process!)
You Bloody Gits! Just because you saved them upstairs, doesn't mean you can act like yer own the plaice!
(The Other train materialized away, leaving a shadowy figure that looked like a paper cut out. The Figure was 2 dimensional. but it had mass. It was Tall with long legs, broad shoulders, and a tapered figure. It's "hair" made Nose realize the figure, which he called a Lost Memory, was Male)
"Hello?"
"Wotcha, Mate? I'm Nose Grindstone, your caseworker! Wot's yours? Oh, I'm sorry you're a lost Memory, that's why you where pushed off the Train!
-What Train?
-Why The Train Of Thought, me Old Son! And that means until we find out what you were, you are put to good use working 'ere, in the Forge of Infinity, makin' the world turn. Now lets have a good look at ya!,,,Hmmm....Strong....Tall....I could do with a chap like ya...You look like "Daryll" to me...Howzat!
-Better than Memory, i guess!
-"Well we better get to work" Grindstone said as he led Darryl into a large with Pipes snaking over the ceiling. underneath the open ends of the pipes, Giant Hats over them the orifices, upturned to gather large piles of cards!
"This the Opinion Room, this is where the Literal Cards are thrown into the hat! and you are going to help me move some into storage! Just hats that have died down are too be moved, lad."
(Darryl moved a hat with "Emoji movie " sewn into this brim. "Wow this is heavy" he thought as he put it onto Nose's Forklift! He laid on the floor, exhausted as he did a single card fell on him.
"Boss...this came out of the pipe!"
-That's odd, i thought noone else 'ad an opinion on this still?
-Yes who is"Eamonn Bermingham"?
-BLOODY HELL! It's bad enough he knocked me over and now i may have to deal with him?
-But Who is he?
-"BEEP BEEP" Grindstone's pager went off and he read the message "No time fer that, lad! we are needed in the Stone Room to Turn every stone there...'ope your a Memory ov a Packed Lunch, cos you'll need one!....
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqQnR8NOVI
Years ago, I reviewed Surf's Up, Sony's Sad attempt to cash in on the Success of Happy Feet. In that Review I made a joke on how that film seemed to made by a Boardroom executive, pointing at a stooge and asking what like? This time When the finger was Pointed, a different stooge must have said
"DURRRR...SORRY BOSS, I WAS ON MY PHONE, LOOKING AT TWEETS ON HOW MUCH PEOPLE DON'T WANT A MINIONS 2 OR US RAPING THEIR CHILDHOODS BY MAKING ANOTHER LIVE ACTION HANNA BARBERA MOVIE...WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?"
Never in all 10 years as a critic has a film got every Other Critic so angry! Last year, Cinemassacre, Peanut Butter Disaster, Channel Awesome, The Indie scene of critics, Professional Critics, Screen, Sound and Scripture, Every Critic regards of Media or Method laid waste on this film...AND I DIDN'T WATCH OR READ ANY OF THEM!
It's Because I wanted to have a clean slate going in, I wanted to Condemn this film on it's on merits, not on the opinions of others
Lets start as i always Do with the Cover...OR COVERS!
Yeah, this film has cover variants....AND THEY ALL SUCK! The whole idea of Cover variants is that you want to convey a different scope of the same movie, a Logo on a black or solid white screen, for intrigue, a fight scene, for drama, even a group shot that was taking dramatically can help, But it doesn't help if all the variants have the same elements to them, Gene is always centre, Jailbreak is always posed as a faux action girl, and Hi-five is in the same pose in all of them. And if you think just mirror imaging his face to look right instead of left, in lieu of drawing him looking right could fool anyone...it didn't! SONY, YOU ARE NOT SLICK!
Oh yeah and this film has a sentient POOP!, Because Kiddies film!
After a Phone Puts an emoji onto the face of the Columbia Pictures Logo (Because throwing that much money at something means you MUST! do something obnoxious, way before someone even speaks!)
A voice exposists that the story is held inside a smartphone, each app is a perfect microcosm in a bigger, more profound existence...MAKING THE TEENAGE MORON THAT OWNS IT LOOK COOL FOR GIRLS! The user is called Alex and his life will effect what happens in the main story, That of Gene (TJ Miller!)...who then insults the entire Demographic.
"With Life getting Faster, And Attention Spans Getting Shorter and...You Aren't Even Listening To Me At All, Are You...Who has The Time to Write FULL WORDS? (SCOFF!)
(RAISES HAND!)
Emoji's are just ineffectual Nonsense, Most phones, even my weak little Touch-Tone Samsung, Has 501 CHARACTERS, enough to say a whole paragraph of intelligent messages, none of that "LETTER U MEANS YOU!" GARBAGE! Why? BECAUSE TEXTS COST LESS THAN CALLS! And with calls you have to have at least 3 bars of coverage to make a call you just need 1 bar of coverage to make a text!
Inside the Phone is a city called Textopolis, All the Emoji's have one job and only one job. Gene is a "Meh" Face, a job easier said than done, because Gene has more than one emotion! Gene Parents take their son to one side and tells him he is not ready, But Gene say he Won't let them down!
AAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER!
Gene chokes on his first day at work, when Alex sends a text to a girl he like and Gene makes a different face, And because the film outright said "YOU YOUNG PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID TO TALK OPENLY WITHOUT A PHONE GIMMICK!" Alex thinks the phone is broken and plans to Reset it's Factory settings.
But before that we are introduced to Hi-5 (James Cordin), The Film's (Supposed) Comic Relief, Instead watch as Corbin, holds pity parties for himself, set off traps and make Hand and Finger puns that would make Batman and Robin Mr Freeze say "Yo, those Puns are Fucking Lame!"
Hi-5 Wants to get into the Favourite's File, Represented as an Exclusive Club, Causing this Malfunction, Gene's family's Social Standing is ruined because the Reset will wipe the favourite file clean. because Society is about Popularity and nothing else, right?
So Smiler is having a Hard-time being Happy, even Resorting to Dental Equipment (The film takes a dark turn when she makes a noose out of floss and threathens Gene With a hook. The Anti-Virus software that looks like the secret love-children of RoboCop and a Dementor Attack Gene who Escapes into the Favourites File, where Hi-five has snuck in. When the Bots attack Hi-Five brings Gene to the place he will be save...A Losers Lounge for unused emoji's (including the controversial eggplant! maybe not have THAT in a KIDS FILM, AT ALL?" Hi-5 reckons Gene can go to a Hacker in the Piracy App to Get Reprogrammed, which is different from what Smiler wants to do, somehow?
AND NOW! PART ONE OF RED MIST CLIMAX!: THE EVIDENCE!
(on the train from Hell, Joe-Jack was Riled up on what had to witness, This Creature...this Wicked Child....It hurt Mammie!
Physcially and Emotionally!
(Days Before 80's Lad made a machine to extract Memories and transmit them as images and film!
-Mammie, sit down please, Joe-jack said, leading his fragile, Alzheimer's suffering Mother to a chair where 80's lad put a helmet with a comical looking attenna on top!
WHAT FUNNY LOOKIN' HAT! ARE WE GOING TO A WEDDIN'? IT BEING SO LONG I WENTZ TO A WEDDIN'!
(The screen went from static to a scene of a wedding that Mammie had being too)
-So I guess my Machine works, huh!
-Mammie...Joe-jack said with an uncharacteristic calmness and subtlety as he held up a photograph of the Wicked Child, Who is this?
Mammie Cried as the screen blurted memories and sounds in and out, distorted sounds, Nightmares horrible experiences flashing in and out!
Mammie, you gotz to tell me! I need to know! DID ME DA KILL THIS GURL!
-NO HE DIDN'T! HE DIDN'T EVEN MET HER!
DEN WHY DOES SHE WANT REVENGE ON UZ?
COS I LET HER DIE! SHE IZ DEAD COZ OV ME!
The screen bubbled with imagary as three little girls in long dresses in fields. The Now Calm Mammie smiled as watched the recollection of her childhood
"That's me, Me Sischter, Margo!
(Oh Yeah, Margo, The Zombie that tried to Attack the Anomaly and paid for it!
AND ME OTHER SISCHTER, ROSE! as the 3rd girl was revealed to be the form the Wicked Child took!
"Other Sister, Why haven't I meet her?"
-You have meet her, she iz a ghos, COZ I LETZ HER DIE!
(THE SCREEN FLASHED BETWEEN IMAGES OF ROSE AS A HUMAN AND THOSE OF THE WICKED CHILD AS MAMMIE WAILED!)
-We are losing the memory!
-Joe-Jack you have to ask her while she is hooked to the machine!
-Mammie, 'ow did Da Wick-How Did Rose Die?
Mammie Closed her Eyes and Breathed Deeply. She Then Remembered a Tall Man in a suit, Too tall for the then little girl to see his full face!
"I'm afraid this Fever is part ov a Terminal Illness wot Little Rose, has Gotz, so it iz!
-Can't we get it Cured!
I'm afraid da closet plaice fer Treatment iz Dublin. and travel will only make da symptoms worse!
"Everyday Oi stayed, Puttin' wet towels on her little forehead, changing bed sheets, getting her medicine, until da day the pills rans out
-AW SHITE! I'm sorry Rose I have to go to the Chemists to get your Pills and make you better
nnn....NNNNNNOOOOO! don't (cough!) go
-I have ta! But I'll be back soon
-Promise?
"I Promise!" I said, Wif a silly liddle and on me art! I was only gone 5 Minutes....I Was only gone 5 minutes...GOD IN DA SKY, PLEASE I WAS ONLY GONE FOR 5 MINUTES! when i saw Margo
....And WHERE YOU? She said in her Uniform, she had to go secondary school, but I was still in Primary, and Daddy said i could learnz readin from 'im anytime!
I had to get the tablets from da chemists
....you know them tablet do fuck all, and now look what you done!
-WHAT YA MEAN?
COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.........ANNNN.........IEEEEE
JAYSUS CHRIST, ROSE!
(Mammie hooked to the Machine, extended the hands to clench the hands of the memory, Miming everything that would happen next!)
ROSE....ROSE...I'M HERE NOW...OI'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!
ANNIE.....YOU.....PROMISED......
ROSE! ROSE! WAKE UP! I GOT YOUR MEDICINE! ROSEEE!!!!!!!!
....So The Wicked Child was not Murdered, but Mammie's sight of it, caused Guilt, but her own dementia made her forget why, but she knew her from somewhere? THAT'S HEAVY!
-I DON'T GET IT! A Little girl dies of a Fever, but her body appears at a riverback 70 yar latah, gets me arrested for murder, scares a bunch of kids and their family and runs ov a pair ov Queers tryin' to get married in the church it makes no sense!
...I'm afraid it does!
We are Dealing with something More Cosmic, Something that took Mammie's Memory as a figurehead to an Invasion!
RED MIST CLIMAX CONTINUES IN PART 2 OF EMOJI MOVIE NEXT WEEK!
