Ugh...
Just...
I spent the last couple of months re-immersing myself in Beautiful, complex and well crafted animation, that I find it hard to Verify this...Celluloid Eye-Gouging, this Day-glow nightmare...this shambling corpse that was Disney's in-house 3D studio That constantly screamed to be put out of it's Misery!
Moonscoop and Studio Ghibli it ain't!
Mars Needs Moms....and They Also Need Better Animators!
(This month's theme...Rob Zombie: Mars Needs Women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgGhmtls7zo
So you are going to tell me, that the house across the street didn't notice the Giant Fucking Rocketship on it's Motherfucking Roof?
Anyway Mylo's father is a businessman, who works out of town and won't be back to watch a movie on pay-per-view, but Mom allows her son to watch the movie...as long as he eats his vegetables!
Just...
I spent the last couple of months re-immersing myself in Beautiful, complex and well crafted animation, that I find it hard to Verify this...Celluloid Eye-Gouging, this Day-glow nightmare...this shambling corpse that was Disney's in-house 3D studio That constantly screamed to be put out of it's Misery!
Moonscoop and Studio Ghibli it ain't!
Mars Needs Moms....and They Also Need Better Animators!
(This month's theme...Rob Zombie: Mars Needs Women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgGhmtls7zo
 |
| "YO LISTEN UP, HERE'S A STORY ABOUT A LITTLE GROWN-ASS MAN IN A BLUE WORLD..." |
The Film starts with a mars Rover-If you actually Interested in the Time Disney made a film about mars that was factual and interesting here is a link to that review nearly a year ago!
 |
| "KILL IT WITH FIYAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" |
Underneath the Planet's Surface, there is Life...Ugly, Terribly Motion Captured Life! There's Uncanny Valley And then there's this stuff of Nightmares! The Martians are spawning 100s of these deformed Monkey Children, so they need beings capable to tend to them....Human Mothers!
The woman on The Martian Screen (Joan Cusack), has asked her Petulant son, Mylo (Seth Green...that's right they Motion captured a short man to play a child! You can still see his 5 o'clock shadow in some darkened shots!)
 |
| GIVE THIS 10 YEAR OLD A FUCKING RAZOR! |
PFFT!
Have you seen Horrid Henry?
The only way to can get a stupid child to eat Veg is to trap him in a Hastily written game show sequence!
Sure Enough, Mom Grounds Mylo for Feeding the cat broccoli, Saying his life would be better without her
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
FIVE MINUTES LATER!
She is kidnapped by Aliens!
Mylo's brazen attempt to save his mother, causes his hoodie to be caught in the spaceship's landing gear, he is caught and put in a status pod. When Freed, he realises he is on a planet with less gravity. Moonwalking to avoid guards, a mysterious voice tells him to slide down a garbage shoot landing on Mars. How do we know it's Mars? Well to quote Joe-Jack in the review I linked, The surface of mars "has more broken machine parts on it's surface than a council Estate in Stab City!"
Mylo meets the locals in the trash heap and if you thought the humans looked bad, i give you...
Sure Enough, Mom Grounds Mylo for Feeding the cat broccoli, Saying his life would be better without her
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
FIVE MINUTES LATER!
She is kidnapped by Aliens!
Mylo's brazen attempt to save his mother, causes his hoodie to be caught in the spaceship's landing gear, he is caught and put in a status pod. When Freed, he realises he is on a planet with less gravity. Moonwalking to avoid guards, a mysterious voice tells him to slide down a garbage shoot landing on Mars. How do we know it's Mars? Well to quote Joe-Jack in the review I linked, The surface of mars "has more broken machine parts on it's surface than a council Estate in Stab City!"
Mylo meets the locals in the trash heap and if you thought the humans looked bad, i give you...
Plucked and Beakless Bikini Chickens!
When Mylo mines using a hoover to explain that he is finding his mom, the aliens mimic the action before doing a hula dance, explains why they are wearing swimwear...but not the most hardcore Furrie would find This Fetish Fuel!
That is when a mechanical Spider lands on Mylo, unfurls a parachute and floats him to a second spaceship, manned by whoever told him to slide down the laundry shute.
The second spaceship is a junker, Piloted by Gribble (Dan Fogler and Disney, I know Fogler is fat in real life, but did you really have to animated him....
Anyway, the obnoxious Man-child (great original casting, i never would have guessed, the guy would made a career playing that character, would play another one(!)) explains he was a part of secret astronaut program by then President Reagan, to fight Space-Commies (all lies of course, but the truth is more disturbing!)
Turns out Gribble has being causing mischief on the Martian ship for Years!
So Mylo has to force out What the Martian's want with his Mother. Gribble Explains that Martian Children Grow every 25 years. The Martians (despite being all female!) have no Maternal Instinct, So they Created Nanny-bots. Everytime the Nanny-bots complete their programming, they are disposed, (programming and all!) So every 2 decades they kidnap a new woman to extract parenting knowledge code it into new robot and kill the woman who has now become a vegetable in the probing process!
...OR SOME SHIT!
There is a flaw in Martian Technology, though. It's Solar powered, But Mylo only has 6 and a half hours til dawn rises. Disguised as a Tron Legacy extra, Little Mylo sees Martian Invasion forces, A graffiti Tag (PLOT POINT!) And the Citadel, where his mother is being held!...but it's part of a bigger scheme to make Mylo fail so he can escape and be Gribble's friend...FOREVER!...Until Gribble pressed the wrong button for the wrong trap-door, Mylo is now arrested and sent to the tallest tower in the Citadel. Gribble's own Idiocy gets himself arrested by the Secret Police...Mylo is on his own.
Scaling down a nearly smooth wall, Mylo is caught in a sniper's sights, Until he is rescued by Martian Responsible for the Graffiti...Who turns out to be the Supervisor's Assistant...Who has learned English...from Sitcoms, her entire dialogue is outdated Buzzwords. Hugh Dennis was right!
When Mylo leaves Assistant (later called called Ki), she ponders what this human thing called "Love" Is? When the boy returns to the Surface, the Junker has being destroyed. in a locker Mylo finds the truth about G(eorge) Ribble, Who was once a boy who's mother was taken decades before and now he is being set up before a firing squad!
When Mylo mines using a hoover to explain that he is finding his mom, the aliens mimic the action before doing a hula dance, explains why they are wearing swimwear...but not the most hardcore Furrie would find This Fetish Fuel!
That is when a mechanical Spider lands on Mylo, unfurls a parachute and floats him to a second spaceship, manned by whoever told him to slide down the laundry shute.
The second spaceship is a junker, Piloted by Gribble (Dan Fogler and Disney, I know Fogler is fat in real life, but did you really have to animated him....
 |
| WITH 3 CHINS?) |
Turns out Gribble has being causing mischief on the Martian ship for Years!
So Mylo has to force out What the Martian's want with his Mother. Gribble Explains that Martian Children Grow every 25 years. The Martians (despite being all female!) have no Maternal Instinct, So they Created Nanny-bots. Everytime the Nanny-bots complete their programming, they are disposed, (programming and all!) So every 2 decades they kidnap a new woman to extract parenting knowledge code it into new robot and kill the woman who has now become a vegetable in the probing process!
...OR SOME SHIT!
There is a flaw in Martian Technology, though. It's Solar powered, But Mylo only has 6 and a half hours til dawn rises. Disguised as a Tron Legacy extra, Little Mylo sees Martian Invasion forces, A graffiti Tag (PLOT POINT!) And the Citadel, where his mother is being held!...but it's part of a bigger scheme to make Mylo fail so he can escape and be Gribble's friend...FOREVER!...Until Gribble pressed the wrong button for the wrong trap-door, Mylo is now arrested and sent to the tallest tower in the Citadel. Gribble's own Idiocy gets himself arrested by the Secret Police...Mylo is on his own.
Scaling down a nearly smooth wall, Mylo is caught in a sniper's sights, Until he is rescued by Martian Responsible for the Graffiti...Who turns out to be the Supervisor's Assistant...Who has learned English...from Sitcoms, her entire dialogue is outdated Buzzwords. Hugh Dennis was right!
 |
| For a species that grows out of the ground, Does she really need to have Hips thicker than a Golden Pages Phonebook? And legs longer than my Lifespan? |
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
Until Mylo rescues Gribble and we land in the nest of the Bikini Chickens again! After a 3D Rollercoaster Sequence (it is a Disney Film after all!) they land in an Underground Lake
Mylo confronts Gribble about his lies, but Gribble's backstory...is FUCKED UP! He's suffering from PTSD..But then again, you would to if you saw your mother Vivisectioned and Atomized in front of your very eyes!
Y'KNOW A KIDDIE'S FILM!
So ki finds the humans and they join forces. Some flirting by Ki, causes Gribble to fall over, dislodging some algae off a wall, revealing a mural, depicting male and female Martians, parenting their children. The Supervisor's Rhetoric is a bunch of lies!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVGNJvWnG5E
So BlahBlahBlah Daring Rescue! BLAHBLAHBLAH False drama over Mom's Death. BLAHBLAHBLAH the Bikini chickens are MALES? BLAHBLAHBLAH Mom saved, Authority Quashed, Species Reconciled, Mylo returns home to Earth with Mom and Credits show how this Spawn of Satan was made!
YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY, BUT THIS FILM SUCKS!
While I can Understand that Motion-capturing a child would be costly (time and money!), they could have at least recorded a child to the voiceover!, nothing taking anything away from Seth Green as a voice actor, his voice autotuned to sound pre-pubescent is so unconvincing! Dan Fogler comes off as obnoxious than likeable, But it's the character design, I have never seen worse mo-cap in my life!
Sadly we are not done with bad animation...next Month is May...It's time to Board The Train...The payment?
A TICKET TO HELL!
NEXT MONTH!
CREDITS
Mars Needs Moms was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media From
Me!
Mars Needs Moms
The Daily Show with John Stewart
And Music
"Mars needs women" by Rob Zombie
Mars Needs Moms was produced by Disney!
NEXT MONTH:
ALL WILL BE REVEALED, BUT WILL EAMONN EVER TRUST THOSE HE CALL HIS FRIENDS AFTER THIS?
TICKET TO HELL: RED MIST CLIMAX!
APRIL-MAY 2018!
So BlahBlahBlah Daring Rescue! BLAHBLAHBLAH False drama over Mom's Death. BLAHBLAHBLAH the Bikini chickens are MALES? BLAHBLAHBLAH Mom saved, Authority Quashed, Species Reconciled, Mylo returns home to Earth with Mom and Credits show how this Spawn of Satan was made!
YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY, BUT THIS FILM SUCKS!
While I can Understand that Motion-capturing a child would be costly (time and money!), they could have at least recorded a child to the voiceover!, nothing taking anything away from Seth Green as a voice actor, his voice autotuned to sound pre-pubescent is so unconvincing! Dan Fogler comes off as obnoxious than likeable, But it's the character design, I have never seen worse mo-cap in my life!
Sadly we are not done with bad animation...next Month is May...It's time to Board The Train...The payment?
A TICKET TO HELL!
NEXT MONTH!
CREDITS
Mars Needs Moms was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media From
Me!
Mars Needs Moms
The Daily Show with John Stewart
And Music
"Mars needs women" by Rob Zombie
Mars Needs Moms was produced by Disney!
NEXT MONTH:
ALL WILL BE REVEALED, BUT WILL EAMONN EVER TRUST THOSE HE CALL HIS FRIENDS AFTER THIS?
TICKET TO HELL: RED MIST CLIMAX!
APRIL-MAY 2018!
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