TICKET TO HELL ATOMIC PINK CHAPTER ONE BARBIE THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE PART3 (REMASTERED)

 THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!)

Ticket to Hell launched this year, with a bang as this time we plan to review the eternal rival to Oppenheimer, but before we start we must finish this review of Barbie, a film that shocked audiences by being both a celebration and Subversion of Barbie's 65 years on the Throne of Girl Toys! 

Until the Day, Barbie (Margot Robbie) got an existential crisis and changes her figure. Told she had malfunction, she's taxed to find the Child who plays with her to correct the Negative thoughts being affected onto her. But she has a Stowaway a Ken (Ryan Gosling) who is in love with Barbie, also comes to this world, but brings back something more dangerous than any virus or parasite- THE CONCEPT OF PATRIARCHY! When Barbie returns after Mattel is no help, She unwittingly brings the family who effected her back to Barbieland to Escape The Random Screaming and Jumping of Chairman Will Ferrell. To see Kens treating all the Barbies including the President as Brainwashed Slaves. However after Barbie has a break down, The mother of the two humans, Gloria, the source of Barbie's Existential Dread, Gives words to her feelings of living as A Women Working in a Man world, is found to be a cure to brainwashing! And now that's the plan to go undercover freeing enough Barbies to upturn the Vote to make Ken the new leader.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH READ PART 1 AND 2, I MISSED PARTS JUST TO BE CONCISE!....IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT!)

So the plan is Actively Flirt with other Kens in the Vicinity of Beach Ken (Ryan Gosling). Ironically what Ken Thought Barbie (Margot Robbie) was doing to lead to Ken because the Pompus Plastic Pope of Patriarchy. This is how The Freed From Brainwashing Barbie's plan to turning Ken kind against each other, with Barbie Fawning over Asian Ken's singing and playing Nickelback songs when the Kens have a Similar Beach date at the same time. This causes The Kens to turn on each other and go to war- Hopefully long enough to kiss the vote to put Ken in power completely.

This leads to a ridiculous-IN A GOOD WAY!-War Scene, where the beaches are stormed with Jetskis and the armies of Beach Ken and Asian Beach Ken are Armed with Sports gear to settle the Score once and for all!

It would be a shame if a Forgotten Third party or loose end got in the way of fixing this mess!

And sure enough, The Mattel Executives, (lead by the Chairmen, played by Will Ferrell) have made it to Kenland, in the midst of The Faux Battle, The Concentrated Machismo causes reality to change into a Sound Studio and both army square up-through the Medium of Dance!  Yes through the song that is sang through this sequence, Gosling and all the Kens in their Faux understanding of Masculinity have unlocked the Least Manly thing ever: A Grease Reference!

After the Literal Big Song and Dance, Black  Beach  Ken (Ncuti Gatwa) reminds Beach Ken that today was the voting Day, A vote that has already been quashed by the Majority of liberated Barbies, A number that is swelling like A Splitting Amoeba.

 The Vote is past and the Barbies take pleasure in Rubbing it in (The President even Swears at Ken, though it's Bleeped- 12 rated film after all!), Causing Ken the sore loser that he is, to run off Crying in what was his bed in the Dreamhouse he stole.

Finding Ken Crying, Barbie finally gets it, when Ken reveals "Sometimes I wish this is OUR Dreamhouse!" So Barbie apologizes to Ken, for taken his friendship for granted, when he goes in for kiss, Barbie pushes him off! Ken tells her she did all this for her Attention, he exists just because of s chance of her attention, Barbie tells him that's wrong, he's Ken, THE KEN, he replies it's always "Barbie and Ken", with her getting the top billing. Barbie gives Ken the Sad truth, he has to realise who he is, Otherwise a Doll could go the real world and Bring back Something far worse than Patriarchy! He has to discover who he is beyond the clothes, the Patriarchy, the Horses and yes Beyond Beach, and beyond Barbie, Ken is Ken and Different from the other Kens, just like Every Barbie is Different. And it works the Kens either stay jerks, completely go back to normal, but those Ken's who had Barbies are remorseful that they would treat them like that.

This reveals Will Ferrell from nowhere Jumping and Shouting Will Ferrell Things! Like he wanted to mandate office wide Compulsory Tickling! Yeah I am sick of Will Ferrell after Holmes and Watson too! 

Chairman offers his help, by reveal in the Will Ferrell way possible, of ignoring the Plot to this point, he will takeover Barbieland as long as the Barbie's call him "Mother Mattel". The president refuses. She does make some changes, Namely adding Weird Barbie to her Cabinet (she asks If she can be In charge of Sanitation) and making Asian and Black Beach Ken Minor Judges, but they don't care if it's a small role as long as they get to wear robes.

Sasha Nudges Gloria to ask her Boss Something, and that Something is if the Company can make an "Ordinary Woman Barbie" one that isn't A perfect Being or President, maybe she's A mother who wears Baggy clothes and flat comfortable shoes. The Chairman says that's a Terrible Idea, until the Accountant crunches numbers and tells Mattel they are going to be rich from the idea. Didn't Chairman say he didn't Care about the money, he cared only about Barbie's Image? 

(GREAT CONTINUITY)

You are not good at your job, Sir! Just like when Sasha asks him what Original Barbie's Endgame is. The Chairman stupidly replies "Easy! Fall in love with Ken!" Only for Barbie to say she's not in love with Ken, she doesn't know what her ending is. This causes a Women's voice in the gathered crowd to shout "And that was the point!" It's the old woman Barbie met in the Detached Room in Mattel's Basement, "Ruth" or rather-Ruth Handler creator of Barbie! (As played by Rhea Pullman)

She says "Don't Listen to Mattel, I'M MATTEL! Or I was before the IRS And the tax evasion, But that's a plot for another movie!" She wants Barbie to walk with her and thus this makes Will Ferrell and the other wave slowly like they are heading to the Afterlife! (The Chairman previously didn't recognize his company's Founder and generally thought she was a ghost haunting Mattel!)

Maybe it was just a random thing Ferrell Shouted whilst Jumping up and down, as Creator and Creation Walk into a White, Dry ice covered Void. Barbie tells Ruth her Problem. That all the things she had done to this point, were team efforts and maybe, she is not "Barbie" anymore, Maybe she's a Human, .Maybe she can live like a Human, But can an Idea be A Human, if the Ideal Human Doesn't exist? Ruth tells her Creation That Ideas Live Forever, Humans Not so Much. Ideas are made to make Humanity make sense of the world like "Patriarchy" and "Barbie"....and "AND THEN YA DIE!" Barbie has an idea, She wants not only be an idea, But a being that is fully ware enough to reimagine herself. Ruth is Surprised on how self-aware her creation has Become. Barbie wants permission from Ruth to become human to work for Mattel, she scoffs on why she thought she needs permission? Barbie answers softly because you are my Creator!

Ruth Proudly exclaims this:

"I Control your life, No More than I control my Daughter's. I Named You after her, Did you Know-"Barbara". And As a Mother It's our Job to stand still, to see our Children look back at us, To see how far They came!"

Ruth Stiffens up and Asks if becoming Human is truly what Barbie wants. She Nods, and Ruth Asks her to take her hands and Close her Eyes and to Feel, as the Oscar winning Song "What was I made For" plays, Home Videos and Stock Footage of Girls and Women in various Emotions and increasing Age play in Barbie's Mind. When Barbie opens tear flooded eyes, Ruth has taken her leave, as the Void Brightens to a flashbang when Barbie says yes.

When Colour Returns, We are Back in L.A. As a car parks outside a Clinic as The Narrator (Helen Mirren) tells us she is now living as a human, and one last Gag before the Credits we now know Barbie is now fully Human, as this Clinic is a Gynaecologist!

And if that Didn't make you spit out Your Drink, The ending Credits has Stinki Minaj rapping about her Big Fake Butt to the Tune of Aqua's Barbie Girl!

Despite These two Mis-steps, THIS FILM NOT ONLY DOESN'T SUCK, IT HAS NO RIGHT TO NOT SUCK, GIVEN THE PREMISE AND ACTORS INVOLVED!

Trust me, the Eamonn From 2 years who saw the Stills of this movie thought  the same thing more well known reviewers thought: Nothing more than a Soulless Cash-grab with Margot Robbie as Eye-candy For Dad and Big Brother as an Excuse to tag along with daughter and little sister!

NOONE WAS EXPECTING THIS!

The Script is Razor-Sharp, Both referencal for Barbie fans and self-defacing for everyone Else. The Music is Suitably plastic Hollow mass-Produced Pop and Non-Offensive Soft Rock, which sadly you have to listen through the likes of Poo-poo Lipa. NickelSuck and Stinki Minaj to get to the Impactful "What was i Made For" to get to something with Substance.

Which Brings us very Nicely to the Cast, And for Everyone who thought Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling was Going to Phone it in as the leads, well they Didn't Blow it!

Robbie and Gosling left "Harley Quinn and her Ass" and "Young Hercules" at Home, Margot played Barbie as a Naïve Fish out of Water with Aplomb, But it was Gosling that stole the Show as the Jealous Spurned, Male friend who became a Patriarchal Dictator who Blurred the lines of Reality and Parody. And for those who argue, that the statement of Ken being is Believable Despot is Ridiculous, May i counter with this Statement: History has Proven that all Dictators were Ridiculous People, otherwise they would never have being quashed! And the plan to take him Down was so Funny, Distracting Kens by having Barbies play dumb as they mansplain a long-winded topic! But in the end Ken was still a man in love, and the way to stop him was to realize he was not in love with Barbie, he was in love with the concept of being "Ken and Barbie". 

That's our Stars but what about our Supporting cast, Well Despite Cameos by Ncuti Gataw and HIS NAME IS....JOHN CENA! Who only had 3 lines between them, the rest of the cast was pretty Good, Namely Michael Cera as the Wimpy Beleagured Alan Doll (Yes Alan exists, his only character traits are he is Ken's Best Friend and his Clothes fit him!), America Ferrera was Fantastic in this as the Punch-clock Secretery for Mattel who has to deal with a job she hates and a daughter growing apart from her! And Yes, I'm sad to report that Will Ferrell still Thinks Jumping Up and down and screaming random things Counts as Comedy, But thankfully he was not made a producer in this film like Holmes and Watson so he was Put on a Short leash, But The hero of the Supporting cast was Rhea Pullman, playing a version of Ruth Handler, Equally as both the Sage Mother Figure that Barbie needed and the Self Effacing Sassy Tax Dodger who Doesn't give a Monkeys! The Result is a Near-Perfect Comedy Film with Meta Humour, twists, a good heart...Unfortunately it's still a musical with a terrible Soundtrack-TSK TSK TSK!

CREDITS

The Barbie live action Movie Was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli) On twitter!

With Media from

In part 1

Dungeons and Dragons 2023

Monster Hunter Live Action

Poster for Upcoming Borderlands Movie (at time of review)

Barbie

Pirates and Scientists

Family Guy

Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures.

The Daily Show

In part 2 

Phineas and Ferb: Across the Second Dimension

Dragon Ball Z And Dragon Ball Z Abridged.

Wrestlemania 36

Jontron

IN PART 3

The Barbie Movie

Futurama

ALL MEDIA USED BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS

The Barbie movie is Produced by Warner Bros. Barbie is the Property of Mattel. All Rights Reserved.

NEXT WEEK! ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

We had fun the last 3 posts, but now, the gloves are off! The Tone is set to change as we look at the other runaway Success Of last year! Join me on Tuesday the 7th for Part 1 of Oppenheimer!

TICKET TO HELL ATOMIC PINK CHAPTER ONE BARBIE THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE PART2

 (THIS FILM IS RATED 12, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND!)

(Previously on the Barbie Movie....

Barbie along with Every single Alliteration of her and Ken (AND Even Alan!) Live in a Alternate Dimension, thinking they are doing great work in Moulding A Society in the Real World free of Gender Politics and Feminism! Until THE original Barbie (Margot Robbie) has a Existential crisis in front of everyone. Under the Behest of Weird Barbie, she (And a Ken (Ryan Gosling), who wants her to notice him!) Come to our world to find the Girl who is projecting her negative thoughts onto Barbie, before it's too late.)

As Barbie and Ken go to High School, An Intern at Mattel called Aaron gets a Phonecall from the FBI. Turns out Barbies coming to our world is such a Natural occurrence, Incidents need to be Covered up Constantly. However, this is different, this is THE Barbie and Ken and that means the Chairman has to be informed. However, The Chairman's secretary, Gloria, (America Ferrera), who has being drawing Doodles of Barbie costumes of all the changes currently happening to her, Tell him that The Chairman is in a Board meeting.

The Chairman Is Will Ferrell, playing a Fanboy in Charge.

Boy, if I had a Euro every time Will Ferrell played a Businessman who's actions inadvertently effected A Toy's World.... I'd have 2 Euros!

Unlike Lord Business, The Chairman Fully understands the Implication of what is an Essentially a 5th Dimensional Being that could turn rude people into Frosted Cupcakes with a Single thought! It would spell Disaster for Humanity. All the while the Secretary eavesdrops, maybe thinking that her doodles are somehow connected to this. But the Chairman has a plan, forget the Feds, Barbie Is Mattel's Business and the Dollmaker's gonna put Barbie in a Box!

That sounded more sinister than I wanted it to sound!

This brings our wayward Dolls to Davy Crockett highschool because that song was in her vision (I must have missed it!) Splitting up again, Ken goes to the library, and Barbie finds the girl sitting a Goth Clique table, Before she can even speak to her, Some Rando gets in her way to Exposists that the girl is called Sasha and doesn't play well with others. But that's not going to stop this Strange Woman who came off the street going up to a girl and claiming to know her.

It works as well as you expect, these girls have Grown out of the Target Demographic and they are having none of it, Especially from someone who sounds Cuckoo for Coco pops, moveover the Fact That Barbie things her existence has Cured Gender Equality! This only sends Sasha into a Feminist Tirade that Breaks her Heart when Sasha calls her a Fas**st!

SWEET NONEXISTENT JESUS!

Of course Mammy could have bought her Daughter one of Barbie's Latino friends but let's be honest Noone buys the Second Banana characters!

Meanwhile Ken is Acclimating to the toxic masculinity of Los Angeles by renting out books from a HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY! on Patriarchy, Gender Norms, picking up women....and horses. He is still  dressed as a cowboy after all!

....and that doesn't work for him either, Just being a man doesn't mean you get a job.

Both Clueless Dolls Find each other, with Barbie upset. Ken returns his books Angrily saying he needs a place to conduct his new found knowledge of Patriarchy. And that's when they drive on in, Security from Mattel take in Barbie into their custody. With Barbie taken in, Jen can return to Barbieland to teach The other Kens Patriarchy!

Jontron - Excuse Me What (youtube.com)

Okay Turns out the Chairman's secretary is Sasha's mother (THEN WHY WAS SHE DRESSED AS A NURSE IN THE FLASHBACK?) She's picking up her daughter early due to the crisis at work- However the Detaining of Barbie happens right in front of her and she attempts to stop it!

Chairman attempts to put Barbie in a box to send her back, but she lets it known a Ken is out in the wild, but Mattel aren't bothered with Ken's impact, despite he's about to be Patient Zero of a Plastic Patriarchy Pandemic. So Barbie agrees to get into the box....after she meets the women in charge of Mattel....you know where this is going! And this makes her escape into a basement to a bizarre setting.

Barbie finds herself in a Detached post war Kitchen with an old woman making tea and sitting at a Table covered in fashion magazine. Drinking the tea offered by the woman, Barbie comments the real world is different from what she thought, to which the woman agrees by following it up with "And isn't it Grand?" Before Barbie can ask who she is, the executives catch up with her, the woman shows her a short cut. Barbie asks the Woman her name before she leaves. she Simply replies "Ruth"

FORESHADOWING!

Barbie escapes Mattel and Sasha's Mother drives up to rescue her, much to Sasha's Annoyance. The Reason for the Rift as it turns out comes from Gloria playing with her Daughter's Barbie's and her Doodles of New Costumes and her own feelings of Inadequacy was imprinted on Barbie, it was Gloria's memories she saw, not Sasha's!

So....Who was expecting a Car Chase in this film about Barbie, because I Sure as hell wasn't!

They Need a place to hide, a place Mattel would never be able to go via car and that place is Barbieland. The 3 break the barrier between Worlds in Reserve Order and up in the Sports car in Barbie Style clothes

Barbie thinks the Rift is over But then she sees Ken's Dirty Work, Kens Being Macho Jerks and Drinking beer and Barbies (including the President) Reduced to Brainwashed Serving Wenches, We also see John Cena as A merman in a cameo!

Barbie returns to what was her Dreamhouse only to see Ken Squatting in it turning it into a Bachelor Pad. Barbie demands Everything returns to normal, As in the real world Ken Products appear from nowhere replacing Barbies and are selling doubly fast. An executive asks the Chairman, why be upset if they are still making money, The Chairman says the reason he got into the toy business is not the Money but the Dreams of Children. They start Skating towards different directions to where the rift might be.

Back in Barbieland, Ken (Of All Characters) has a Villain was right Speech, he says he's done This because Barbie Didn't give him the time of day-Do you know what it's like When the Girl is a Doctor. A lawyer. A Novelist, Can be everything and more and you are just a Guy in Shorts on a Beach, Waiting for the girl to ask you to live at her house as a boyfriend, IF SHE LET'S YOU! But no, tomorrow there will be a Presidential Vote to change the Constitution to officially Inaugurate Ken president of Kenland. But not before Kicking Barbie out like she did to him.

Barbie Blames the Humans for Causing the rift in the first place, the Girls try are tell her that this was always going to happen in some way, that Change is Natural, Barbie in Denial says everything was perfect before she had those thoughts. Barbie just plain gives up falling to the ground with no shoes like a discarded Toy. Sasha remarks as she leaves that The Doll is acting Exactly how she thought she would. As the human leaves, Weird Barbie and her Acolytes rescue Original Barbie

This effects Barbie in the real world- The new line is Depressed Barbie, that comes Dressed in Hoodie and sweatpants, And comes with accessories of a Futon, a One pound Bag of Starburst and a DvD Of pride and Prejudice-"Anxiety and Self-loathing sold Separately"

The Mattel Executives make it to Barbieland-Somehow! As Weird Barbie and her Acolytes makes as Sasha and Gloria Head home, Singing with the radio until Ken sabotages it and it causes Alan to reveal himself in the car Boot and they crash, thankfully they are in a world of a cartoon reality so they are not hurt!

Alan (Michael Cera) wants to escape into the human world, Before Ken can Finish the wall he's Building to separate the two worlds.

"I'm building a Wall, A great Bigly Wall, and I'm making all the unsold Theresa Dolls pay for it!"

Builder Kens turn to see Alan and the humans Try to escape, and despite Alan throwing a punch like, well a character played by Michael Cera, he buys the women enough time to escape, except Sasha's going back to get Barbie, Despite her  Mother remembering her hating Barbie, But Sasha Retorts maybe you can't make something perfect you can make something Better! Gloria says it's her fault for making Barbie Depressed, But Sasha loves her mother's Drawings, She just hates this perky Attitude she puts on working for Mattel! They U-turn with Alan to only place Ken would not go-Weird Barbie's

At Weird Dreamhouse, Original is still lying on the ground as Weird is trying to Deprogram Nobel Prize Barbie, She Wonders why Original is immune to Brainwashing like her and her Acolytes. She guesses It's a mixture of Real World Contact and Malfunction.

The Humans and Alan arrive and we meet Said Acolytes Which are Real Discontinued Barbies and Kens Starting with Rob Brydon as Sugar Daddy Ken (NOT LIKE THAT!, He's a "dog parent" who has a dog called Sugar!) Earring Ken, Growing Up Skipper (With Inflatable Boobies!) and the only one I remember from the 90s TV Time Barbie, (It Had A TV Screen and a Playback Video Sewn into her Back and it cost 60 Irish Pounds!)

Gloria Picks up Barbie to a sitting Position and the Doll Proclaims she is not Pretty anymore! This Cause the Narrator (Helen Mirren) to chime in from nowhere with this Line....

"Note to Director: casting Margot Robbie for this Part, MAY NOT HELP YOU DRIVE HOME THIS POINT!"

Not gonna lie, hearing that part from Nowhere, made me belly laugh for 15 whole minutes!

But Barbie has some Valid Points SHE (as in her as the Original Doll, as the other Barbies are their own being!) Is Not Smart Enough, SHE is not Brave, SHE can't Fly a Plane, SHE is not President, she's Not Good Enough. 

This makes Gloria give a Filibuster on how Contradictory Society can be towards Women, which I'm paraphrasing but I've left in the parts that matter.

"It's like, You can't say you want to get Thin, you have to say, you want to be healthy, but you can't be healthy without becoming too thin, You can't say you want To become the Boss Without Being called Mean, Yet you can't not Act Mean Because men won't Respect you, and if you have men Respect, you are Accused of not being of the "Sisterhood" and If you not in the Sisterhood, you are accessed of Putting up with every wrong thing Men have done or every do!"

"YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL for the Opportunity, but Remember that the game is rigged.... BUT YOU SHOULD STILL BE GRATEFUL! To never be Rude or too Cowardly, or too old, To be Brave enough or live in fear, because to get anywhere, you need decide to wait your turn or get out of the line, knowing fully well, at the end of the day, You get no Medal or Job Well Done, Because Everything is Your Fault. But if Every Woman in the world goes through that, even the Doll that's suppose to represent us, then I don't know what to tell you."

This frees Nobel prize winning Barbie from her Brainwashing. So they have a plan to  free the other women, but it can't be all of them at once, but key parts to the plan, namely The President, Defence Attorney, Prosecutor and Doctor Barbie should things get Dicey! Then undercover as still bimbos the newly Cognitive Barbie frees that Barbie, 2 frees 4, 4 frees 8 and so forth, until all the Barbies that matter can upturn the Vote for the "Kenstitution", But first, undercover as Bimbos still, they will poison the Well by turning the Kens against each other. With Original Barbie being planted as a Honey Trap to Subdue Beach Ken. But Barbie has her doubts, because she had to put up with Ken.

THE FIGHT AGAINST PATRIARCHY BEGINS IN PART 3 NEXT WEEK! 

TICKET TO HELL: ATOMIC PINK CHAPTER ONE: BARBIE THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE (PART1)

 Butt-Craic, Da Wesht Ov Oireland!

After the Events of the Decay of a Dream, the only course of action was for the Cosmic Entities to literally wipe the Playing field and Start again. Discarding the mastermind behind it all, Sabaru into a Discard dimension with Eighties Lad to contemplate an Eternal Time out! 

But there was a Cost, those actually killed during the Saburu's attempt on changing reality stayed dead. It was Tough on Joe Jack to Kill Mammie, But unlike his murderous acts before hand , when the Gravedigger Interned his mother, he marked it with a tombstone. After a while of mourning, The Sun had Set, and as Such, Eamonn took Joe-jack home. 

When they left two Figures materialised in front of the Tombstone. They wore dark Clothes so they couldn't be made out!

"VELL, I THOUGHT ZAT ZEY VOULD NEVER LEAVE!"

"WELL, DOC, PEOPLE NEED TIME TO MOURN, BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT HAVE THE TIME TO MOURN THEMSELVES!

"POETIC AS USUAL, MEIN DEAR FRIEND! SO SHALL VE MAKE OURSELVES KNOWN TO ZER LOCALS?

The Second Figure who was Dressed as a cowboy, pulled a Sixshooter out of his belt and spun the Revolver before replacing it.

Lead the way, Partner!

AND NOW, OUR FEATURED PRESENTATION!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 IN BRITIAN, PG 13 IN AMERICA, HOWEVER THE REVIEW IS WRITING WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

Sometimes a Shock is not always negative!

Especially if that thing is a Film based in a franchise. And when Hollywood announces a film will be made out of a Video or Board game, announcement is met with Rolled eyes and long drawn out breathes.

Such as, but limited to-

Dungeons and Dragons, not recreating the plot of the Beloved Cartoon, but Pitting no one actors against Hugh "Perv-o" Grant (God it's being years I called him that! As many years as he's being last relevant!)

Monster Hunter, which saw W.S. Anderson Blow up the Nevada desert with his Hot, But Talentless Wife with 10 stacks worth of fireworks.

To the recent announcement of Live Action Borderlands, Where it's announced it will star Cate Blanchett playing a women half her age, Jamie Lee Curtis dressed as Dr Eggman, the OTHER Five foot Ariana with a squeaky voice, and Kevin Hart playing Roland, because they share the same skin colour!

And this was the reaction to A live Action Barbie. When People saw the Still Photos, they didn't hold out any hope of quality, including me!

But then the Critics came in and Soon People had their curiosities piqued. Could this film do the impossible and take the Ridiculous Premise of Something Doing a "Reverse Star Fighter" into our World, and being a good Film?

 

...FOR A SECOND TIME?

With its long list of Awards, maybe that answers your question?

So let's dig into the Barbie live action movie and see what they pulled from the 65 year old Back Catalogue!

The Film cover is simple enough-A Blue Sky, The Barbie Logo and Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling in a pink sports car. There is that one famous Copypasta I tried to find that once broke down that a woman with Barbie's Measurements would not be able to function. But Margot is perfectly cast as the Titular doll, not because she's Blonde or because she's Attractive, But she's tall! Looking at her arm, I thought they used CGI to make her arms and hands look like doll like! But no, ironically, the Film about the Doll that was Bashed for selling unachievable beauty standards, all beauty treatments for Miss Robbie are El Naturalle!

The Film Starts With a Send-up of 2001. In a Desert, a group of Victorian Dressed Girls play with Baby Dolls as the Voice of Helen Mirren narrates that in the Beginning, girls played with dolls however, their was only Baby Dolls, and while Baby Dolls are still popular, they only let Girls pretend to be mothers. ("Ask your own Mother if she's having Fun, the next time!")

However That all Changed, as the Girls crawl out from their cave to Witness the Giant Barbie that just appeared and they start Touching it like the monkeys in 2001 touching the monolith as Also Sprach Zarathustra plays throughout!

This causes the girls to smash their Dollies under the guidance of their new God, 50ft Margot Robbie in a one piece swimsuit as she changes the Course of dolls forever.

The Narration Continues.

"Barbie may have being a Blonde in a swimsuit that changed everything, but over the years, Barbie would change.... Herself!" As the Screen Fills with women of Different Ethnicities, hair colour, size and ability, as Helen tells us they are all Barbie...

Actually it would be better to say what they truly are, Characters with names that can't be copyrighted so their names are Interchangeable and innumerable that calling them Barbie, when the blonde is Barbie, is just easier!

"And Because, Barbie can do anything, Girls can do anything, and with Barbie as their Guide, girls never have to about Feminism and Gender Inequality-or at least that's what The Barbies Think, after all they are safe in Barbieland, Best not to burst their Bubble!" 

And that's the plot!

In their own safe World, Barbies and Kens and even Alan (Michael Cera) live in  Opulent ignorant Bliss since every Barbie doll has a high paying job. Also this movie is a Musical, but like my review of My little pony, I'm watching through lame lyrics to see if there are Easter Eggs or References. So Barbie's World is catered to her Very whim, even magic to defy the laws of physics. After all she's Original Barbie (later Stereotypical Barbie) a doll living in her own world. In a world were everyone is great in their own thing and everything works well for everyone, when we see president Barbie, An Awards Ceremony and even A trail with a Defence and Prosecutor Barbie that ends Amicably!

On the Opposite End, a Ken's Existence only Hinges on the Validation of Dating a Barbie, Since there are less Defined Variation of Kens, which means a Ken Finding the Right Barbie is hard. And it drives Beach Ken (Ryan Gosling) Crazy, to the point of doing crazy Stunts for Attention. But Quicker than you say "The Truman Show", Beach Ken bumps into the Wall where the sea should be, After Carrying Ken to the pink ambulance that folds into a Doctor's office with Barbie telling him he's brave, he admits he's not a Surfer Ken. He's just Worded as being "Beach Ken"- like, WHAT EVEN IS THAT? DO I LIVE AT THE BEACH, I'M NOT A SURFER KEN OR LIFEGUARD KEN, THEY ALREADY EXIST!

So Ken Finally Has Barbie's Attention and is invited to the Big Party Barbie throws for her friends every single night, Because nothing ever Puts Barbie Down, But Ken Being That Dude, Can't stand Barbie watching other Guys dance with "His" Girl. Thankfully all Barbies and Ken have a Sense of Naivety to them even when Beach Ken goes Full on Nice Guy, It's completely Ignored. Then out of Nowhere Original Barbie asks her Friends if they ever think about Dying, causing a Needle scratch!

"WHO STARTS A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT I JUST SAT DOWN!"

She Blows it off a joke, But Ken is Boiling over with Frustration about not staying the night (which is funny because, they don't have any concept of relationships beyond flirtation and affection-"YOU CANT STAY AT THE DREAMHOUSE, KEN, IT'S BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE NOT KEN'S DREAMHOUSE, BESIDES IT'S GIRL'S NIGHT. JUST LIKE IT WAS LAST NIGHT, FOREVER AND FOREVER!"

The Next Day Barbie wakes up and nothing is going her way, even her magic is failing her, then on the beach the most Defining Part of Barbie Fails her-Her Feet land Flat on the Ground and she can't walk!

DID...Mattel themselves reference the Copypasta that I couldn't find?

So Doctor Barbie Gives Stereotypical Barbie the Bad News: She is Malfunctioning! There is only one Barbie that can Help her "Weird Barbie"...a Barbie Giving to the Type of Child who Cheered for Sid in Toy Story 1-Now Ironically the only one with extensive Knowledge of Malfunctions.

 

Weird Barbie (Played So well by Kate McKinnon) Tells Stereotypical Barbie What's happening to her an Emotional Riff between Her and her owner is causing changes to here, It's Flat feet Now, But soon it'll be cellulite and increases in Vocabulary and soon, Total Existential Crisis. So Weird Barbie has the 411, Go to the real World, Find her Owner, Repair her heart and Reverse this Perception before it's too late, but she says one thing further "You have to Fix her by Fixing yourself!"

Okay But how does Barbie get to a different World-I Don't Think there is an Astrophysicist Barbie...that's her Mother!

(No Seriously, in the New Cartoon for Barbie, Her Mother Margaret and her husband who is an Engineer is the Brains behind why Vehicles can transform into Houses!)

No Turns out She has to use the transforming sports car into different vehicles ending in Beach Ken Rollerblades to get to Los Angeles in our world.

But First everyone has to throw Barbie a "Bon Voyage Barbie, Hope Fix the Riff between Worlds and cure your Existential Dread, because -EWWWW! CELLULITE!" Party. Asian Beach Ken Bets with Beach Ken To ask Barbie to invite him, after he claims Barbie asked him to come already, so he Stowaways in Barbie's Boot and reveals himself when Barbie is singing along to the car Radio!

Barbie is worried That Ken will Slow her Down, however She realises that She doesn't have a pair of Beach Ken Rollerblades, But Ken Has a Spare and after many Vehicle and Costume changes, The two Dolls make it to Los Angeles and naturally in their Tie-Dye Pink Jumpsuits, they stick out like sore thumbs, the Stares making Barbie experience Anxiety For the first time! Then it gets worse, they skate pass a Construction site and all the Builders make Cat-calls at Barbie. It hits her like a ton of Bricks-There is Chauvinism In the Real World! 

John Stewart: OH MY GOD (youtube.com)

Skating Further, Barbie gets spanked by a Dude-Bro and she Knocks him the Feck Out, causing them to be arrested, they are freed and but new clothes to fit in, Less ridiculous Cowboy fare, but are arrested again because they have no money, But the police let them go again because it's too Funny and Besides with the Crime Morality rate the way it is in LA, You probably don't have much funny stories to write in your Christmas letters!

Barbie Want to Figure Out Who her Owner is (Maybe she thinks it's some level of Psychic Link) so she mediates on a bus bench to find her, But she doesn't want Ken to get in her way. So Ken is told to look around and as he walks he sees Well Dressed, Successful and Handsome Men Everywhere, Finally he's found a world he can fit in..a World, by the way that's Affecting Barbie's current state. 

But we Need Drama in Film Early, how many times have I Complained About no Conflict in Movies?

Meanwhile Barbie has Visions Of her Owner in Key parts of her life, They are all Silent Visions But she is a a Now Teenaged Latino Girl whose Mother is a Single Parent and a Nurse and She's Going through Growing Pains. Not Much to go On, But at least it's a start, and it make Barbie Cry for the first time ever, she Turns to see the first Old person she has every seen and tells her She's Beautiful. The old Woman Smiles at the compliment and she says she knows as both share a laugh before Ken returns and then resume their search.

END OF PART 1!

Eamonn Reviews David Cronenburg's Crimes Of the Future

 Okay, you all see who's Directing this Film, So you already know....

THIS FILM IS RATED 18 FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF BLOOD, GORE AND DEATH THROUGHOUT!

 

The Cover of this film is just lame, 3 Red Tinted Headshots framed with Red Tendrils. Usually I hate that they don't convey the story, But given what you are about to read.... CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY! 

Last Chance to Back out Now!

*************************************************

Okay, Don't say I Didn't warn you!

The Film Starts with-What Else?- BLOOD! The Film Truly Begins with the Aftermath of a Capsized Liner, Juxtaposed to a Child, Digging in the sand on the beach, Until he is Shouted by his mother not to eat anything he finds, and he returns Home. Time Skips to Night-time, as the boy brushes his teeth before he goes to bed, then he has a midnight snack, A Plastic Pot he takes bites from, as his mother looks in with Sadness, as she grabs a pillow to Suf***ate the Boy.

The Next Morning, The Woman gets a Phonecall from her Husband's work, she tells his secretary to tell him the "Thing That looks like our Son" is Ready to be picked up, She cries, not for what she did, but the implications that her real son is dead!

The Husband returns to Mourn both the Son and his clone- So Anyway we Cut to Viggo Mortensen Sleeping on a Hammock of Living flesh held up by Tendrils ...

So Viggo plays Saul Tenser, a Performer who is woken from this Strange Contraption by his Lover/Manager Caprice (Lea Seydoux), Saul Complains the Bed, Which is Apparently Cyber-organic,  because he Complains it's Software is not being Programmed to turn him and Anticipate his Pain anymore.

Caprice had Good News-Well Good Business at least-the Reason for Saul's pain is a a new "Harmonium" is in his Blood Stream, Viggo Growls a Less Pained Response. He thought he was "Tapped Out". But Given The Pain, He wishes he was.

Okay, So Maybe I should Call Forward and tell you what is going on! Because dammit they are going to be talking like this until the very end!

Humanity is Evolving at a Increased Rate, Including Saul Here, a Performer whose act is Growing new unseen Organs Adapting to a World that will see Humanity Evolve into..... Something Else! But these new organs when they arrive, Cause Saul a Great Deal of Pain, because when they are "Birthed"  they crawl into place, that needs to be monitored by ultrasound, and it's Jangling his pain receptors. As Caprice eats Breakfast normally, Saul is propped into a device made of hands like the bed Helps Saul chew and Swallow for him. He's still having troubles at night when they leave the Rundown Studio they live in.

 Walking through a Crime ridden backalley, they make their way to an Organ Specialist.

The Doctor is Nervous because at his office is an investigator for the Newly Coined and soon to be implemented National Organ Registry, but times are changing and new laws have to be Enforced when Evolution is Spinning into a new Reality.

"LIKE THOME KIND OF, CWIMES OF THE FEW-TUWE, IF YOU WILLLL!"

The Investigator Miss Timlin, is played By Kirsten Stewart

So now we are getting Some Exposition, Yes Humanity is Evolving at a Rapid Rate, to the Point that very Soon Humanity will Branch off into a New Species. The last thing the World needs is The Unevolved is to become Prejudicial, or the New Species to Convince themselves as the "Master Race". And Thus, The Organ Registry, a Government Agency to monitor Rapidly Changing humans. With Saul being one of the first to Register is not only Growing new Organs, But is one of the few Humans to feel pain. The Doctor, Wippet, feels that the Loss of the ability to feel pain, is the thing that will lead to the Downfall of Society. Crime is on the rise, Worst Still, apparently the fad amongst the young is "Desktop Surgery" Videos.

"The Defendant, when asked, why they removed the Victim's Spleen with a protractor was quoted to have said, "IT'S JUST A PRANK, BRO!""

Still The Registry want to document Saul, the only man on Earth to still feel pain and they want to know why!

So Kirsten as Timlin pipes up and she's Trying to act like she's Crying, But she's Coughing and Gagging from the VapoRub They Put on her eyes to induce tears, Instead she's holding back the urge to Scream out in pain! So it's time for the Doctors to do a more in-depth Analysis of Saul's Body with these Two's Decoder Rings they have. 

Guys, I Don't think Graphic X-rays of Stomach Contents is how you make sure Saul Drinks his Ovaltine!

As the Doctor has an Or**sm over Saul's New Organs (Wippet Genuinely calls it Sensual!) Until Caprice, Who is Recording this for Prosperity, Interrupts and asks the Doctor what are these Tubes going into Saul are, Wippet explains that the Registry is tattooing Humans with Extra organs, So they can Track them Easier, the fear is that these Traits are Genetic, and Hypothetical Children who would be born would not, In the Classical sense, be Human!

So A Government is tattooing all the people who are different, For their own protection,.... right! WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?

Timlin notices the camera, and tells Caprice that Videoing their work is Illegal, Caprice Argues that the law is not enforced yet, but she Concedes.

The next Day (Night?) Caprice Is Annoyed Saul invited Quote "The Two Registry Creeps" to one of their Shows. She's also is worried Timlin Finds Saul Attractive, And the Feeling is Mutual, when asked about it, Saul changes the topic to the Tattoo business, as it Adds a Form to  the thing that is Growing and Changing, rather than let people Guess what it is...Caprice is not having any of Saul avoiding the Question, So she Ordered him to go to bed.

Saul is Placed in the Bed Apparatus, While 2 Female Technicians are fixing the Bed due to Saul's Twisting Anatomy. They are About to leave until they get a Surprise, When they see his previous Purchases, they get excited to see a working model of a Product their company no longer sells to the public, the "Sarcophagus".

The "Sark", described by Caprice as " her paintbrush", was a device used by morticians to Dissect Corpses. But she uses it to Vivisect Saul with lasers to reveal his organs and sew him up with no Scarring and Damage. In the audience are Wippet, Timlin and the Father from scene one, who angrily eats a Purple Chocolate Bar- 

 

'Member Wonkalate? They were Delicious!

Everyone has a Different reaction to seeing A second Heart Come out and  Stuffed on a Pickling Jar on a table while Beer and nibbles are handed out! At the After-party, with Saul exhausted lounging on a Love Chair, with Caprice giving him The Doe-eyed look. Timlin despite Being warned not to, approaches Saul.

Turns out Timlin ...gets off on this as she whispers to Saul "Surgery is the New S*X! 

With Timlin expressing she wants Saul to Cut into her, like Caprice cut into him. When Caprice asks what was that all about, only for Saul to say "An Epiphany, Art Triumphs Again!"

As the New Bed Techies fawn over Saul's performance , An Angry Man steals The Chocolate eating man's Chocolate, only for him to die of a violent reaction and noone bats an eyelid. 

We Cut to the Registry as Detective Cope interrogates Dr Wippet and Timlin. Cope is part of the vice squad and wants to obtain Saul's recently Birthed Heart. Wippet reminds us all that Saul had registered publicly , because as an Artist he wanted his new Organs to be recorded like pieces of a Portfolio of Work  in a time where right now people are growing new body parts in secret. Cope Dismiss it, and Scoffs at the idea of removing tumours as art, Timlin corrects Cope in these Creations are not Tumours, they are indeed a different organ each show. And the Surprise is what makes it a hot ticket!

So Saul is a Living Kinder Egg, is that it?

So they Show Detective Cope the Tenser File, we learn that it's being months since the Show, Saul had grown new organs in that time and Caprice is now Tattooing the organs to draw them Artfully. Wippet had a Theory that Saul Wills the Shape and Function of his new organs.

We Cut to Saul in bed, as Caprice is Worried because Growths are Forming at a Quickening rate, Saul Jokes he's just been "Feeling More Creative!" 

Caprice's Next Show called "Start Listening" sees a new Muse- a Nearly Naked Male Dancer with Stitched Eyelids and Stitched closed mouth covered in extra ears.

A Female Guest Confronts Saul and insults the Work. As A Biologist, Dr Adrianne Beacaux Mocks how the extra ears couldn't possibly work. The woman works for Klinex Corporation as it's Biomorphology Director, She heard Saul was Working on Multiple Projects as Evident by his entire body covered and him lurking in the Shadows. She gives Saul the Business Card of a "Dr Nassiter." Saul is Confused why he would need the Consultation for a Medical problem, only for Dr Beacaux to correct him: it's a Consultation for a POLITICAL Problem!

Finding the Father bloodletting a P*******e, The man offers Saul a Proposition: in his next show, he should publicly do an Autopsy on his "Son". Naturally Saul is disgusted....But Caprice, who is told about it During A Bout of K*nky Surgery in their love making think it's a great idea! We learn the man's name at last is Lang Dotrice.

After Making love in the Sark while being repeatedly cut, Saul agrees to do it....but it's a Double Cross! Saul is in fact an informant for Cope who wants  Saul to Agree to it long enough to arrest Lang for Selling Organs, which is what New Vice was created for. Cope feels that the Registry is Compromised to follow the law. Saul gives Cope the Business Card of Dr Nassiter in exchange to speak to Dyuna Dotrice. The mother of the "Boy"

We Cut to Bioformware Autoshop, the Company that makes the Bed and Shallowing Chair that Saul uses. The Two female Technicians, Burst and Router are Modifying the Sark and adding tools, Caprice tells them she is worried about Saul as the Accelerated Evolution is Causing him to Cough Uncontrollably and Spasm in greater pain....BUT NEVER MIND THAT,  LET'S ALL GET NAKED!

In another derelict area, Saul walks into the Office of Dr Nassiter, on the Surface, a Plastic Surgeon, but in reality he is the one of many third parties that will mark the New Humans for The Registry. He also has fitted Saul's Stomach with a quick lock to view the Organs, all the while going on about being roped into the "Registry Inner Beauty Contest". He calls the new crude Scar he shows Caprice a Done up fly. That lacks the mystique of "Sensual Cutting" after all, Surgery is the new S*X which cause Caprice to drag her Fingernails into the Scars and Drinks the blood like a Suckling Calf.

The Next Morning he visits the Jail where Djuna Dotrice tells Saul is Convinced Lang "Created" Brecken, even convinced she was made Artificially Pregnant to carry the "Lizard" in-Vitro. Saul asks her what the police expect to find if he was Giving an Autopsy. She convinced her Son was not Real jokes with the answer of "Outer Space".

At a Sweatshop that's Creating the Purple Chocolate, Lang tells his Group they are  going to go ahead with the Public Autopsy, this will be the Moment "They" will be Known. 

One hour into this one hundred and forty three minute film and they are still drip feeding us Plot.

At a Show Caprice was invited to a show by a Model. She's Reconstructive surgery done in real time and it moves her. Dr Wippet is at the show, though after it comes back to Head Office, that he and Timlin are getting personal with Clients, they are risking their careers on being here. The model, Odele is actually an Old friend of Caprice.... maybe TOO friendly! She Invited Caprice to their Hotel Room later!

We Cut to After Caprice Cheated on Odele with Saul Mocking her Being "Open". She was Open alright! Odele cut open her Forehead and planted horns into her freshly bruised flesh!

SYMBOLISM!!!!!!

Despite Saul in pain with Multiple new Organs Growing, the date of the Brecken Autopsy is getting closer and with the media Circus already surrounding the controversy, Caprice channels her Inner PT Barnum and makes this Media Circus, into a three ring by making Saul a Side Attraction.

Saul Visits Wippet at the Registry to Confront him about this "Inner Beauty Contest" he was wrangled into. Turns out the Registry is not hitting the Quota they are supposed to so they used Nassiter and Beacaux to pose as those who could help get rid of the Registry to ironically make him a Spokesperson for the Registry. 

I agree they should have done that from minute one, but you are not really helping making the Cause that you are not a 1930s Style Government Agency.

Timlin Rushes Saul and Says he worried about Wippet. Saul regrets asking why, but it turns out both Timlin and Wippet Lust after Saul. Given  having a insider to get info for Cope and that Caprice Cheated on him, and the fact Saul isn't Gay, he Leads on Timlin to cheat on Caprice with. It's a win-win to find out if Wippet is covering up the existence of plastic eating Lizardmen!

That night Saul and Caprice arrive at Lang's house to take Brecken's Body to perform on their show in a few weeks. Caprice sees the child in the freezer and now grows a Conscience! Lang explains that he has a point to make, and the police would only cover up what their coroner will find, no, only through a public Autopsy will the Truth come out. When Saul tells Lang what Djuna told him about the Plastic eating Child, Lang offers Saul a purple Chocolate Bar, Caprice shakes her head for him not to take it. 

FORESHADOWING!

Lang believes Saul should not be hacking bout new organs for entertainment, Instead he should let the Accelerated Evolution take it's course. Caprice corrects Lang, telling him if Saul did that he'd already be Dead!  Life Is Suffering and that's the purest Form Of Art! 

"OH IT'S ART!"

 

We Cut to another secret meeting between Saul and Cope who let's Him in on a secret: Lang's group -Synths! The Purple Chocolate bars? Their only Nutrition without eating plastic in  Public. The "Lizardmen" are already among us! So now Cope want Saul to infiltrate their ranks to find the Synth Factory to flush them out!

And they are already known, the Reason Burst and Router didn't react to that guy Dying was they Are Synths. Using their Jobs to get close to Saul to butter him up as Fangirls and kill Those in the Registry like Dr Nassiter.

Lang tells Caprice and Saul about the Synth Movement, Unlike those who are Evolving Quickly, Synths Are Humans who Chose to Modify their Bodies to Fix A Mess done by Humanity: Plastic Pollution. They can eat plastic in an attempt to heal nature. Which is why Humanity is losing the senses of pain and the ability to digest flesh and Vegetation. Lang States that his son Brecken was the First Synth Child to be Naturally Born, the First of a New Species! And once they are known, He will not be the Last!

Saul However calls Bullshit on Traits that were Surgically Enhanced somehow becoming Inheritable genetically ("You Cut off your Little fingers... does that mean your children are born without little Fingers?") Lang admits that he doesn't understand it fully, But that's what happened, but this was his plan anyway before Djuna Killed him: to introduce his Son Publicly in the same way as the Solution to a Bright Future to Solve Humanity's Pollution problem, now his death Should be a Call For Synths to Stand up and be Counted!

Through an Untelevised Art Show that will only sell tickets to people who like this sort of thing in the First place!

"AND THIS IS BETTER THAN A MOVIE....HOW?"

It's The Night of the Show and Both Timlin and Wippet are there, they just can't keep away!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD AUTOPSY! PLEASE SKIP TO THE NEXT RED TEXT IF YOU ARE OFFENDED!

Caprice Monologues over operating on Brecken and once he is opened up we see his organs are covered with Black Tar, It's enough for the crowd to Gasp with Disgust and Shock causing both Wippet and Lang to leave Shaken. As the Process Continues, Lang is Outside on the steps crying when Router and Burst find him. He doesn't understand how his son could be in that Condition, he was perfectly healthy before his death. But because he has Suspicions, The Synths feel like he knows too much and With Handrills, they kill Lang. I suppose they had them in their pockets the whole time! Back inside Caprice with her voice loud and full of rage denounces Djuna for killing her child she never loved for no other reason than being Different than her!

TRIGGER ENDS!

Meeting Cope for the last time,  he tells him Saul they've being Had! "The Tar"? Nothing more than Tattoo ink! By using Timlin's unhealthy need of Acceptance by Something different, Caprice had told Timlin how to use the Sark to inject the organs with enough Black ink, off screen when cheating with Saul,  to con the patrons and since the Sark Reconstructs the Body with no Scarring or Suture, noone would be none the wiser! All that was left was to Murder Lang Before he came out with the Truth. Thanks to their "Housekeeping" the Synths have they really wanted-A Cause for Uprising, with Lang's Death as a Martyr!

Saul is Racked with but only Guilt and Mistrust, But also Pain. As he nearly Dies in his sleep. Seeing Saul in so Much Pain almost makes Caprice Remember what it feels like. The next morning Saul is struggling to feed himself even with the Feeding Chair, Caprice reaches into a hidden box for the Big Reveal -SHE IS A SYNTH! Caprice feeds him a Purple Chocolate she had hoarded in the box hoping it will ease his pain. And as he eats it all the scene drains of Colour and Saul lets out A Euphoric Breath...But is it a Sigh of Revelation that the Pain is gone and he too is A Synth? Or Death Rattle to signify that the Pain is thankfully over? As the Credits start to play straight after....

WE MAY NEVER KNOW!

JUST LIKE I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH?

Eschewing Gory And Sudden scares, for Stylistic Shock and Uneasy Moral Decisions, The Cronenburg of old has mellowed into making moves with "Meaning". But the Worse thing you can do when you make a film with "Meaning" is not make sure Everyone knows what your "Meaning" Meant! And you get films like this where one Character, in this Case, Cope exists solely to give Exposition in straight language. In fact noone talks like a real person to each other, they either give lore to the Dumb people at the back of the Class, or Purple Prose about "The Sensuality of a Second Gallbladder!" NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT....And If you Do....

Speaking of....well.... Speaking, how is it that this film of mostly ESL actors and actresses, all have better line delivery than native English speaker Kirsten Stewart? Not only can she not fake tears for toffee, she is out acted by people who will never be stars in Hollywood! The World Building is Strange, we get to see a Capsized Liner Next to a Beach in the opening and for the rest of the film it's nothing but warehouses and Dark rooms. Like the Capsized Liner in the background of scene one, there is a bigger Story that was More Interesting to focus on: A World Where Humanity had lost the Ability to feel pain and so society crumbles into a world where life is Cheap as the thrills and Crime has no Consequence: MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THAT! 

The Music is Jangling and Unnerving, to force down an aura of Unease and Discomfort very expertly done by the Sound crew... Because with the Amount of lacklustre scares they needed to force Horror that doesn't Exist, Sure there's the Scene That is a Trigger is One with Shock value, and Lang's Murder, the other scenes just look like A Text book from an Anatomy class and Nassiter's murder looks like one from a teatime murder mystery show, with Nudity and Shock value to bump up the Rating. Disappointing was expecting a whole lot more! 

CREDITS

Crimes Of the Future was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli on Twitter) 

With Media From:

Crimes Of the Future

Kevin Hart: Laugh at my Pain

Lowestoft Library's facebook page for having a picture of an open bar of Wonkalate!

NWA

Twilight

X-Men 3

Police Squad

The Simpsons.

NJPW

The American Government.

All Rights Reserved. All media used belong to their Respective owners.

Crimes Of the Future was Produced by Serendipity and Distributed by Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment.

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