(THIS FILM IS RATED 12, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND!)
(Previously on the Barbie Movie....
Barbie along with Every single Alliteration of her and Ken (AND Even Alan!) Live in a Alternate Dimension, thinking they are doing great work in Moulding A Society in the Real World free of Gender Politics and Feminism! Until THE original Barbie (Margot Robbie) has a Existential crisis in front of everyone. Under the Behest of Weird Barbie, she (And a Ken (Ryan Gosling), who wants her to notice him!) Come to our world to find the Girl who is projecting her negative thoughts onto Barbie, before it's too late.)
As Barbie and Ken go to High School, An Intern at Mattel called Aaron gets a Phonecall from the FBI. Turns out Barbies coming to our world is such a Natural occurrence, Incidents need to be Covered up Constantly. However, this is different, this is THE Barbie and Ken and that means the Chairman has to be informed. However, The Chairman's secretary, Gloria, (America Ferrera), who has being drawing Doodles of Barbie costumes of all the changes currently happening to her, Tell him that The Chairman is in a Board meeting.
The Chairman Is Will Ferrell, playing a Fanboy in Charge.
Boy, if I had a Euro every time Will Ferrell played a Businessman who's actions inadvertently effected A Toy's World.... I'd have 2 Euros!
Unlike Lord Business, The Chairman Fully understands the Implication of what is an Essentially a 5th Dimensional Being that could turn rude people into Frosted Cupcakes with a Single thought! It would spell Disaster for Humanity. All the while the Secretary eavesdrops, maybe thinking that her doodles are somehow connected to this. But the Chairman has a plan, forget the Feds, Barbie Is Mattel's Business and the Dollmaker's gonna put Barbie in a Box!
That sounded more sinister than I wanted it to sound!
This brings our wayward Dolls to Davy Crockett highschool because that song was in her vision (I must have missed it!) Splitting up again, Ken goes to the library, and Barbie finds the girl sitting a Goth Clique table, Before she can even speak to her, Some Rando gets in her way to Exposists that the girl is called Sasha and doesn't play well with others. But that's not going to stop this Strange Woman who came off the street going up to a girl and claiming to know her.
It works as well as you expect, these girls have Grown out of the Target Demographic and they are having none of it, Especially from someone who sounds Cuckoo for Coco pops, moveover the Fact That Barbie things her existence has Cured Gender Equality! This only sends Sasha into a Feminist Tirade that Breaks her Heart when Sasha calls her a Fas**st!
SWEET NONEXISTENT JESUS!
Of course Mammy could have bought her Daughter one of Barbie's Latino friends but let's be honest Noone buys the Second Banana characters!
Meanwhile Ken is Acclimating to the toxic masculinity of Los Angeles by renting out books from a HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY! on Patriarchy, Gender Norms, picking up women....and horses. He is still dressed as a cowboy after all!
....and that doesn't work for him either, Just being a man doesn't mean you get a job.
Both Clueless Dolls Find each other, with Barbie upset. Ken returns his books Angrily saying he needs a place to conduct his new found knowledge of Patriarchy. And that's when they drive on in, Security from Mattel take in Barbie into their custody. With Barbie taken in, Jen can return to Barbieland to teach The other Kens Patriarchy!
Jontron - Excuse Me What (youtube.com)
Okay Turns out the Chairman's secretary is Sasha's mother (THEN WHY WAS SHE DRESSED AS A NURSE IN THE FLASHBACK?) She's picking up her daughter early due to the crisis at work- However the Detaining of Barbie happens right in front of her and she attempts to stop it!
Chairman attempts to put Barbie in a box to send her back, but she lets it known a Ken is out in the wild, but Mattel aren't bothered with Ken's impact, despite he's about to be Patient Zero of a Plastic Patriarchy Pandemic. So Barbie agrees to get into the box....after she meets the women in charge of Mattel....you know where this is going! And this makes her escape into a basement to a bizarre setting.
Barbie finds herself in a Detached post war Kitchen with an old woman making tea and sitting at a Table covered in fashion magazine. Drinking the tea offered by the woman, Barbie comments the real world is different from what she thought, to which the woman agrees by following it up with "And isn't it Grand?" Before Barbie can ask who she is, the executives catch up with her, the woman shows her a short cut. Barbie asks the Woman her name before she leaves. she Simply replies "Ruth"
FORESHADOWING!
Barbie escapes Mattel and Sasha's Mother drives up to rescue her, much to Sasha's Annoyance. The Reason for the Rift as it turns out comes from Gloria playing with her Daughter's Barbie's and her Doodles of New Costumes and her own feelings of Inadequacy was imprinted on Barbie, it was Gloria's memories she saw, not Sasha's!
So....Who was expecting a Car Chase in this film about Barbie, because I Sure as hell wasn't!
They Need a place to hide, a place Mattel would never be able to go via car and that place is Barbieland. The 3 break the barrier between Worlds in Reserve Order and up in the Sports car in Barbie Style clothes
Barbie thinks the Rift is over But then she sees Ken's Dirty Work, Kens Being Macho Jerks and Drinking beer and Barbies (including the President) Reduced to Brainwashed Serving Wenches, We also see John Cena as A merman in a cameo!
Barbie returns to what was her Dreamhouse only to see Ken Squatting in it turning it into a Bachelor Pad. Barbie demands Everything returns to normal, As in the real world Ken Products appear from nowhere replacing Barbies and are selling doubly fast. An executive asks the Chairman, why be upset if they are still making money, The Chairman says the reason he got into the toy business is not the Money but the Dreams of Children. They start Skating towards different directions to where the rift might be.
Back in Barbieland, Ken (Of All Characters) has a Villain was right Speech, he says he's done This because Barbie Didn't give him the time of day-Do you know what it's like When the Girl is a Doctor. A lawyer. A Novelist, Can be everything and more and you are just a Guy in Shorts on a Beach, Waiting for the girl to ask you to live at her house as a boyfriend, IF SHE LET'S YOU! But no, tomorrow there will be a Presidential Vote to change the Constitution to officially Inaugurate Ken president of Kenland. But not before Kicking Barbie out like she did to him.
Barbie Blames the Humans for Causing the rift in the first place, the Girls try are tell her that this was always going to happen in some way, that Change is Natural, Barbie in Denial says everything was perfect before she had those thoughts. Barbie just plain gives up falling to the ground with no shoes like a discarded Toy. Sasha remarks as she leaves that The Doll is acting Exactly how she thought she would. As the human leaves, Weird Barbie and her Acolytes rescue Original Barbie
This effects Barbie in the real world- The new line is Depressed Barbie, that comes Dressed in Hoodie and sweatpants, And comes with accessories of a Futon, a One pound Bag of Starburst and a DvD Of pride and Prejudice-"Anxiety and Self-loathing sold Separately"
The Mattel Executives make it to Barbieland-Somehow! As Weird Barbie and her Acolytes makes as Sasha and Gloria Head home, Singing with the radio until Ken sabotages it and it causes Alan to reveal himself in the car Boot and they crash, thankfully they are in a world of a cartoon reality so they are not hurt!
Alan (Michael Cera) wants to escape into the human world, Before Ken can Finish the wall he's Building to separate the two worlds.
"I'm building a Wall, A great Bigly Wall, and I'm making all the unsold Theresa Dolls pay for it!"
Builder Kens turn to see Alan and the humans Try to escape, and despite Alan throwing a punch like, well a character played by Michael Cera, he buys the women enough time to escape, except Sasha's going back to get Barbie, Despite her Mother remembering her hating Barbie, But Sasha Retorts maybe you can't make something perfect you can make something Better! Gloria says it's her fault for making Barbie Depressed, But Sasha loves her mother's Drawings, She just hates this perky Attitude she puts on working for Mattel! They U-turn with Alan to only place Ken would not go-Weird Barbie's
At Weird Dreamhouse, Original is still lying on the ground as Weird is trying to Deprogram Nobel Prize Barbie, She Wonders why Original is immune to Brainwashing like her and her Acolytes. She guesses It's a mixture of Real World Contact and Malfunction.
The Humans and Alan arrive and we meet Said Acolytes Which are Real Discontinued Barbies and Kens Starting with Rob Brydon as Sugar Daddy Ken (NOT LIKE THAT!, He's a "dog parent" who has a dog called Sugar!) Earring Ken, Growing Up Skipper (With Inflatable Boobies!) and the only one I remember from the 90s TV Time Barbie, (It Had A TV Screen and a Playback Video Sewn into her Back and it cost 60 Irish Pounds!)
Gloria Picks up Barbie to a sitting Position and the Doll Proclaims she is not Pretty anymore! This Cause the Narrator (Helen Mirren) to chime in from nowhere with this Line....
"Note to Director: casting Margot Robbie for this Part, MAY NOT HELP YOU DRIVE HOME THIS POINT!"
Not gonna lie, hearing that part from Nowhere, made me belly laugh for 15 whole minutes!
But Barbie has some Valid Points SHE (as in her as the Original Doll, as the other Barbies are their own being!) Is Not Smart Enough, SHE is not Brave, SHE can't Fly a Plane, SHE is not President, she's Not Good Enough.
This makes Gloria give a Filibuster on how Contradictory Society can be towards Women, which I'm paraphrasing but I've left in the parts that matter.
"It's like, You can't say you want to get Thin, you have to say, you want to be healthy, but you can't be healthy without becoming too thin, You can't say you want To become the Boss Without Being called Mean, Yet you can't not Act Mean Because men won't Respect you, and if you have men Respect, you are Accused of not being of the "Sisterhood" and If you not in the Sisterhood, you are accessed of Putting up with every wrong thing Men have done or every do!"
"YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL for the Opportunity, but Remember that the game is rigged.... BUT YOU SHOULD STILL BE GRATEFUL! To never be Rude or too Cowardly, or too old, To be Brave enough or live in fear, because to get anywhere, you need decide to wait your turn or get out of the line, knowing fully well, at the end of the day, You get no Medal or Job Well Done, Because Everything is Your Fault. But if Every Woman in the world goes through that, even the Doll that's suppose to represent us, then I don't know what to tell you."
This frees Nobel prize winning Barbie from her Brainwashing. So they have a plan to free the other women, but it can't be all of them at once, but key parts to the plan, namely The President, Defence Attorney, Prosecutor and Doctor Barbie should things get Dicey! Then undercover as still bimbos the newly Cognitive Barbie frees that Barbie, 2 frees 4, 4 frees 8 and so forth, until all the Barbies that matter can upturn the Vote for the "Kenstitution", But first, undercover as Bimbos still, they will poison the Well by turning the Kens against each other. With Original Barbie being planted as a Honey Trap to Subdue Beach Ken. But Barbie has her doubts, because she had to put up with Ken.
THE FIGHT AGAINST PATRIARCHY BEGINS IN PART 3 NEXT WEEK!
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