CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2024: DISNEY'S WISH

 And so, we end the year with a Christmas special, Not a Christmas film, or a souped up Toy Advert, but the first Big Mouse Dropping for a long while, from the Purveyors of Magic and Wonder-Disney!

You know a Film is going to flop when not even McDonald's makes a Happy Meal for it. Googling Disney Wish will bring up the Cruise ship of the same name, unless you specifically type in the words "Film" or "Movie" after. So why did this film Flop harder than a bowling ball in a swimming pool? What makes a bad Animation?

You may say "Clearly the Designs must be terrible to look at"!

....No, they aren't, though the Heroine does look like Pocahontas in Rapunzel's dress with some facial assets stole from Moa'na. And a lot of background characters look like there are from other films, and there is a reason for that, that we will get into.

"Well maybe the film failed because if it's Animation."

.... Again, No! Disney has a track record of taking Animation seriously, just look at any of the behind the scenes stills of Peter Pan where they filmed real actors to properly animate flying scenes or Tinkerbell interacting with things larger than her. Hell, this is the Studio that pushed back Coco, while they were working out how a skeleton would wear trousers.

"So if it wasn't the Animation or Design, the only thing left was it's Story"

BINGO!

Wish fails in it's execution of It's message, but I will go into that during the review.

So for the last time in 2024, let's Dig into Disney's Wish.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED G IN IRELAND, THE EQUIVALENT TO AN U RATING. HOWEVER THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

Well, I don't know what to tell you about this artwork.

I Don't.....hate it! That's for sure. But there is a lot...ok a few things of note, over the logo is our villain Magnifico, only he's not that imposing. Sure we will learn he's nothing short of a Cult leader, But he looks so dahm goofy. Also his hands are Radioactive!

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!

In said hands is one of Rosalina's Lumas from Mario Galaxy. I wonder with how bloodthirsty both Disney and Nintendo lawyers are when it comes to cease and desist orders, would their Respective lawyers be rivals or best friends? 

Over an indigo tinted landscape in a portal caused by the Star thing, Asha, our Amalgamation of heroines from better films, stands on a rock next to a Goat kid, giving us a smarmy look-When the Animal sidekick has more Personality than your hero or Villain, AMIRITE?

Sad thing is, he's probably voiced by a washed up comedian Like Ricky Gervais or James Corden.

(READS THAT ITS ALAN TUBRYK)

Okay , that's not a bad choice!

So the film starts with a Storybook opening itself as the voice of Asha tells us the film's premise: Once upon a time, a man who believes in positive thinking went into the world and got disheartened, so he studied magic so he could grant wishes. Word Followed and soon people would seek him out in an attempt to have them grant their wishes. So much so, when the magician and his wife settled on a Mediterranean island, named Rosas, all those seeking wishes became his followers and colonised this island which became a Sovereign State when Followers who had their wishes taken made the magician their king with full autonomy of the wishes that he promises to grant.

So in other words, A Cult?

Asha Does say he only grants wishes to those "Worthy". And one such family of Rubes who lives on Rosas is her own Family, a Family of Goat herders including a grandfather who is about to turn 100, on the very day King Magnifico Will Conduct a Wish Ceremony, Naturally the granddaughter our heroine is convinced that this wish is going to his. We Foreshadow that the goat will be speaking later, and Mom Suggests that she and Asha Make a birthday cake for Zaba, Until Asha lies that she's only going out tonight JUST for work. Mom says she can tell Asha is lying when she makes long pauses, we get this response that caused me to spit out my drink when I heard it!

"I'm A Maturing Girl, My pauses are now different!"

Hey! a Menstruation Joke in your Disney Kiddie Film!

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!

So Asha is a tour guide here in Rosas, An Island made of Disney Props and References, We have our first Song which I Didn't fast forward because it's world Building, even it it's 3d assets from existing films and video games, Asha's house is the house the fairy godmothers raised Aurora (FORESHADOWING!), there are bluebirds and butterflies that land in women's hair and the marketplace sells Pumpkins, glass slippers, dolls of characters and the like. But there is some Originality, This a medieval world that's a tourist trap where most of the citizens are artisans who one day wish for tidy Profits...But do gain them anyway!

The Song Continues with Asha telling us that when a child turns eighteen or an adult visits the king, That the king removes the Wish from the person and it's crystallized and stored away, and that person forgets the wish, but they are freed of the burden of a wish that may never come through, But that's ok because if you believe enough and are good citizens, your wish will be granted, right.....RIGHT?

"We get our free will sucked out, by choice and maybe if the wish is Convenient for our DICTATOR to stay in power, It gets granted. WHAT A BARGAIN!"

After the song in the castles Kitchen Asha Converses with a Maid named Dahlia, who exposits that Asha wants to be the King's Apprentice, this was the thing she lied to her mother about.

Dahlia is the leader of seven orphans who are Actually references to the seven dwarves, something a lot of people missed out on. In fact there are a lot of references people missed, not in an Easter egg way, but a point that was missed way. Anyway. Not-Grumpy says there is a conspiracy that when someone turns 18, Just like Simon, the Stand-in for Sleepy, they lose some of their will and become listless like he has. But hey, King's Apprentice, that means your family and friends get first dibs on wish grants, including say, i don't know, A Grandfather who turns 100 and may not live to see 101, so yeah, good luck with that!

The Queen Amira enters the Scullery to announce that Asha's Interview for Apprenticeship has being moved up to right now.

Asha is led to the King's Chambers, Amira tells Asha she's rooting for her because she admires her generous Spirit. Inside the Library like chamber, she finds a Spellbook under glass, when she touches it, The glass decoration comes to life and attacks her as a swarm of hummingbirds until the king (Chris Pine) comes in to Save her.

We get some backstory on Asha. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, BUT NOT REALLY! HER DAD IS DEAD! AT LEAST ONE PARENT OF A CHILDREN'S FILM PROTAG BE LIKE:

Asha's father was an Astronomer and he instilled his beliefs onto her. At a young age, The King himself lost his family at a young age to Greedy Bandits, But now look at him, King of the Most Plentiful and Ideal Place on Earth.

"I WANT TO MAKE A PLACE, WHERE NOONE HAS TO SEE THEIR DREAMS DIE IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES"

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER!)

(SIGH!)

So Magnifico shows Asha his collection of Wishes that he has Extracted for many years (Including 3 from the 4 tourists that were convinced solely by Asha's Song-So....WHOOPS!) After Asha exclaims that they feel alive (Oh, Honey! Oh you Sweet Summer Child!), The King sings "At all costs" Chris Pine is Autotuned and maybe it's that, Maybe it's the melody or the way he sings the word "YOUUUUU" But the first half of this song sounds like Dirty Vegas' Song "Without You (Days Gone By)

The Song also is foreshadowing as he sings about the power "Drawing Him in" and "Compulsion".

The Silver Tongued Silver fox convinces Asha as she starts to sing to the balls of Cleaved out Will-to-live, finding Zaba's wish. When the Song ends, she tells the king it's Zaba's birthday and she would love it of his wish gets granted, but the king not only refuses to grant a Mundane wish of being a Song writer, but Gaslights Asha into thinking it's a Dangerous wish. That a wish of "Inspiring The Next Generation" could be Morally Ambiguous. And goes out of his way to say he only grants wishes for the kingdom's benefits. 

So Asha is now becoming disillusioned, if Magnifico has no intention of Granting All these wishes, maybe he should give them back, But no, he's the Grand Pharaoh of this Pyramid scheme, people come here with unattainable wishes. He provides a service to suck out their wish, the memory of said, and their free will and exchange for a promise he will not keep, servitude, a time share on paradise and all the Copium you need to not think for yourself!

So as Such Magnifico wants to make an example of Asha, giving her a stage seat so She can hear him claim that Asha challenged her to grant a wish only to grant the wish of a Woman called Sonya so that when the King says a name with a Hard S, it gets Zaba's hopes up. So Magnifico tells Asha he will not offer apprenticeship to her as the Queen looks on confused.

So Zaba's 100th Birthday is now a sad affair, now that Asha knows the Truth, she tries to tell Zaba the Truth but the old man Refuses to remember the wish or what it was to begin with "Why would you make me remember something that will never be?", This upsets Asha for upsetting Zaba. So she runs into the night and into another song. At this point I'm fast forwarding through songs unless they contain story elements in scene. So she ends up at the Bonsai tree her Father would bring her to stargaze. When the song concludes her lyrics on believing the truth, she wishes on a star and it glows over Rosas, Filling the Folk with Joy and the king with Fear.

While the king feels threatened, The source of this light Evil Dead's Valentino behind Asha's back. Until the Orb of light speeds off during ghost antics until it reveals itself to be a Chubby star...thing. 

Sure enough, this Kirby-Esque Creature Starts Crop-dusting Glitter on Valentino and plants and animals in the forest and makes them talk, Oh and one of the animals is Thumper from Bambi in another reference in this referencefest.

Asha wants to know how is this possible and the answer is, of course, a song!

NO! THE ANSWER IS...

 

So the star can perform magic, but it can't perform wishes, however it is drawn to the wishes in someway, and somehow this Girl who spat out the Kool-Aid, and this non-verbal Creature team up to free the wishes. Meanwhile in the castle's keep, Magnifico tries to find a spell or knowledge to explain what that light was, as he berates Amira, that he doesn't want what happened to his family to happen again, so he breaks out the Forbidden Spellbook, Until Amira talks him down.

So Asha tries to Smuggle the Star into the castle, so she can get help from the Seven Not-Dwarves to get into the Study without notice, so she hides Valentino in a chicken coop. Asha comes clean about the Magic star and I'm glad she did, because, noone would be able to explain...WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!

Star (which is now his name-VERY CREATIVE!) Meets them all but is sad to meet Simon, who already had his soul sucked! There is a call to Assembly and everyone leaves to attend, The lame Dahlia feigns slowness to get the full story from Asha without the others knowing. So Asha spills the beans, Magnifico is a fraud, so Dahlia leads Asha, Star and Val into the dumb Water.

At Assembly the King tells his Rubes that the light from last night was Magic-magic he didn't commit or Condone, Whoever performs magic without the King's approval is A Traitor and when he Finds the traitor, the punishment will be severe, making Dahlia cringe with panic as she causes a distraction.

The door to the Dumb waiter is locked, but Star gives all the Inanimate objects in the study life (they play music that starts like the Magician's Apprentice, but that is soon drowned out.), including a magnifying glass that makes the ripped Papers and tossed books catch fire, the source behind this meme.

Star is bought to the wish room where Asha asks for Mother's and Zaba's wishes Showing the bootleg Togepi a sketch book of what they look like, meanwhile the Distraction by Dahlia turns into a Q and A Session where basically the Conned Rubes start speaking out of turn and regain free speech, which Ticks off the King Immensely. So It's Rumpelstiltskin time-Bring me the traitor and I will grant your wish. Until Then, Noone plays with the toys in the Toybox.

After the worst Villain Song ever created, the one where this meme comes from....

 

THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF EVIL, THIS IS THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY  PULLS OFF A "DEEZ NUTS" JOKE!

The King charges into the room just as Star finds Zaba's wish, As she hides with her friends the song continues with Magnifico having his hand forced to do god knows what when he breaks out the forbidden Spellbook, and makes himself a dungeon.

That night Mom and Zaba are told everything, they can't believe Valentino can talk and they can't believe Zaba's wish is his once more. As it's absorbed into the old man's body he laughs at how pure and simple it was, that he doesn't know how, but he will inspire people.

But then the King Darkens the Door. Asha has being Sold Out, he wants to how she did it-How did she pluck a star out of the sky without magic. Asha refuses and as Punishment, Magnifico pulls out Mom's wish out from his robes and crushes it, the soul energy going into Mag and causing a mini heart attack in the woman, with Magnifico exclaiming if he only knew absorbing wishes could give him this much power, he would have does this sooner.

So you are telling me, he Didn't know til right now, or was not smart enough, to absorb soul power to make himself more powerful, that he was just content with brainwashing and Gaslighting?

Now seeing the king becoming a Power hungry Soul sucker, Star aids the family to escape, with Valentino convincing the knights' and King's horses Orwellian Style to turn on their Human masters!

Bundled into a Rowboat, they sail towards a second island, Asha apologises for making them all fugitives. Mom recovers from the pain, a pain not Physical, but Emotional, like she is grieving a part of herself. But Asha fears for everyone in Rosas as every Pigeon on the Island is now a Pigeon Parfait in an all night Soul Buffet! As the Boat is about to shore, Asha, Val and Star swim and fly back to Rosas.

In Magnifico's Dungeon, he Learns to harness the stars in the sky's power. By sacrificing the wishes of 3 people to Create a Staff from Forbidden Magic. Seeing her Husband Create a weapon of Arcane Power, Amira is Frightened by the changes in her husband's personality.

A new Assembly had being called, With Asha blamed for the 3 souls stolen for the King's Staff's Creation, the king Make his terrifying entrance. Asha looking for her friends in Disguise and sees the Queen just as Concerned. She has the idea to make a Mouse Talk to send a message to Amira.

The Traitor is revealed to be Simon, the King grants his wish because it's convenient and beneficial for him, to make Simon his most powerful and loyal knight, but Amplified by the Staff's power, Simon is also turned into a mindless Slave who tells the king the other Orphans are also conspirators.

Bacenia, The Bashful Dwarf Replacement brings the others to her secret Hideout, which she goes to when human Contact gets too much for her! Asha finds the place by accident. And so the plan is simple: With a Song, Asha, Val, Star and the remaining 6 orphans are Le Resistance.

Their Signal is the sound of a dying Giraffe!

As the Sing Continues they are found by the Queen...who Joins Le Resistance by singing her own stanza to the song. The Queen meets Star and somehow learns from Asha that Star can't leave until the Wishes are freed.

Meanwhile Magnifico has gone Full Energy Vampire, Sucking Up Wishes and dropping References left and right, with just the worst puns ("A wish for a Nanny, well-I'M POPPIN' THIS ONE!)

ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!

Amira sneaks the Orphans and Valentino into the Study to free the Wishes and find a cure. In the forest with Asha, Star breaks off a branch and imparts some magic to make a wand. Problem is, the magic is Sporadic and random, Meanwhile all the orphans except the Walking Stick Dependant Dahlia, are joined with Star and Valentino to open the Starlight, while Dahlia helps Amira to search tomes for a counter spell.

Now, Ignoring they made Dario, the Dopey Counterpart More Neurodivergent, than just plain Stupid, ignore that detail of him getting confused on how to pull a Rope played for laughs, they sent Children to open a Giant Starlight, so of course the plan doesn't work. There is more bad news, as Dahlia reads that exposure to Dark Magic, no matter for how short a Time, Permanently changes a Person!

The orphans decide to plunge into the landing below like bellringers to have the weight needed to open the Roof, when open, the orbs containing wishes float into the night sky and can be seen as far as the Second island, with the Will Returned to him, Zaba rows his daughter back to Rosas to save his granddaughter.

Asha is Blindsided by the King on his horse, and he snaps the Wand underfoot, as he dismounts. Asha Brags that he's too late, only for The king to reveal he has Simon under the power of a Disguise spell the whole time. Asha realizes Magnifico never left the castle, and Simon blocks her path....until a Bear enters Stage left from nowhere and the Forest animals deal with Simon  Stealing the King's Horse she Bolts back to the castle where Magnifico reclaims his wife and Absorbs Star into his staff, But not before giving Amira a Magical Backhand and telling her "Quiet, Woman!"

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO FAR GONE!

WHEN YOU NO LONGER RESPEK WAMANS!

So Magnifico, Drunk off Cosmic Power casts a Permanent storm to blot out the Stars, makes himself Big Brother on any reflective surface and casts Ghostly vines that literally bind the entire populous into slavery, Proclaiming there is no Hope, without him, But him, there will be no dreams, no plans, no stories to inspire.

Well....You said nothing about Singing!

So only in a Disney film does everyone know the Lyrics to the same Song and through the Power of Love, Friendship, Heart Of the Cards, ETC ETC, The song forms new Wish spheres in the bodies of everyone, with the wish that everyone shares-the Greatest Wish of All-FREEDOM!

So lets finish this!

Everyone is freed, Magnifico is sucked into the wand as his magic is reversed, the Wishes return to the people, even those who were devoured return also. Simon slinks in, asking for an apology for his actions-which Amira grants: she too was fooled for far to long, Trapped in the jewel of the now destroyed Staff, the King, still Petulant, bangs on the Crystal like he's trapped in the Phantom Zone, so Amira commands Magnifico be returned to his Dungeon....as it's prisoner!

Some time later, Normalcy has returned, and Amira sets out to grant the wishes, not as a wizard, since she is not magical, but as a Consultant of sorts. Zaba pursued his song writing dreams and Star fixes Asha's Wand, though Asha complains that the wand could barely defeat a fake Mag. Dario Jokingly says maybe Asha could learn to be some kind of "Fairy Godmother" with Star teaching her properly, But Star Chirps sad Chirps, which Asha somehow knows to mean The star is leaving...But not today as the star flies around blasting fireworks that look like a certain mascot! As the book closes on a Happily Ever After, the Credits roll showing Constellations in the sky turning into characters from better Disney Films! 

Despite the Hate Online, this is not the Worst Disney film ever made. Just the worst one made RECENTLY , But it's not without it's wins. The Animation is crisp and as you would expect, the Artwork is Gorgeous, Surely that's all you would expect, right?

Well No, No Amount of Sizzle will ever Outsell the Steak, and in truth, Despite being Made to celebrate 100 years of Disney, the film feels like was Written by AI. Asha is a Chosen One Golden Child, who Humble-Brags to her Less Fortunate and More Capable (and in the case of 3 of the orphans, Dahlia, who relies on a cane, Dario, who is On the Spectrum, and Gabbo, the Grumpy Dwarf, remains having Dwarfism, so not only are the orphans Capable but 3 of them Handi-capable!-and it's those 3 whose actions progresses the Story, Not Asha!) and Stumbles into Victories without Prior Planning or at the very least, Prior indication that things will work in her favour. The Bear attacking Simon, For example, How did Asha know there was a Bear in the forest at that time, Did she meet a Bear early in the film? Was there a bear in the Song sung by the forest animals and we just didn't notice?

Chris Pine as Magnifico can sing, even if the first song relies Too heavily on Autotune, he can tell Jokes but Mags is a bland villain, even when he turns heel, we kinda knew he was a bad'un, because he was presented as a Cult leader early on. If he was supposed to be sympathetic, because of the loss of his family, then making him a Soul Sucker and Not keeping him as a Soul Hoarder was the wrong choice, If he was denying casting wishes of people who remind him of his family, and casting them meant he lost them, that would be A Sympathetic Villain. If he was trapped in the mirror and Cried about Being alone forever, that would be a Sympathetic Villain, He's punished and knows he deserves to be, but in a sense of Irony being trapped in a Mirror everyone will see him, BUT NO! the last thing we hear is "Get me out of this Jewel, and get off my throne, YOU USELESS WOMAN!"

Alan Turbyk's Talents are wasted as Valentino, Because of the Terrible Script, and Yes-Disney Mascots are annoying, but every now and then, they land a giggle and crack a smile, Turbyk says some variation of "I LOVE CLIMBING, BECAUSE I'M A GOAT!" Like he's Sir Lawrence Olivier performing Hamlet and NOT ONCE! does it ever land! Star has no Personality, he's a McGuffin with arms and legs.

The Story Plods Until the halfway mark when they decide to make the king evil, the film has Disney References without ever going into why it's important- It's just there for you to do this at the TV screen when you notice it!

But It's the Ending I Have the Biggest Problem With.

Recall that Zaba's Wish is to Write a song that will inspire people. The Climax sees the King has bound the Citizenry, But it was the Song that everyone sang that was the key to defeating Magnifico...BUT IT WAS ASHA, THE CHOSEN ONE GOLDEN CHILD, WHO SANG FIRST! Had it being Zaba or Dahlia, or any Side character the Moral of Everyone has a life worth fighting for would make more sense because the Former Suckers Of the king's scam are singing IN SUPPORT OF Asha to finish the fight, not to BOOST HER EGO in a song she started!

Speaking of Songs, in the Film's prevailing Spirit of Unoriginality, every Song sounds like music that exists already. And I am not talking about songs that sound like songs from Other Disney movies, I mean Songs that sound like other Real Commercial Songs. At All Costs begins sounding like Dirty Vegas' Without You, The song sang by the Squirrel Sounds too much like "Life, Oh Life" by Des'ree and the Resistance song sounds like it was plucked from Greatest Showman! Despite the Initial Shock of "Are you Serious?" hearing a Familiar Chord or Stolen Melody, the outrage is soon forgotten as these songs are THAT forgettable. A decade on from Let It Go played on the radio, and this is the state the music is in?

With an Uninspiring Hero, A damp Squib of a villain, A Comic Relief with no comedic lines, a Story that feels like 100 years of Cinema History Boiled down to base Unifying Plots with References for the sake of References, Wish is not as Pathetic as a film as People think....

But as the Film that was released to be the Milestone Film of a Company- a One hundred year Game Changing Legacy no less-NOW THAT'S PATHETIC!

CREDITS 

Disney's Wish was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli) on Twitter

With Media from:

Disney's Wish

Inugame Korone's Youtube Channel Representing Hololive

Once Upon a Time In Hollywood

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

Wish is the property of Walt Disney. All Rights Reserved.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND SAFE 2025 TO ALL MY READERS!

Until January, this Blog is Now Locked until then. When I return we will be close to the 300th post and the announcement on the main blog, enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com on what that film may be! 

But For Now, I need to Rest and Be with my family until the new Year. So as I log off for the year, I urge you to do the same with your own families and friends this Holiday Season. 

Eamonn Reviews The Iron Claw

Wrestling is a lot of things to many people.

A Sport for the Athletic, a Business for Promotors, A hobby for fans, a Spectacle, and a place for those who had nothing else.

For the Von Erich Family in Texas for 3 generations, it was That and More.

The Adkisson family-Professionally known as the Von Erichs, were the stars of their family's wrestling territory- World Class Wrestling, managed in the 80's by Jack "Fritz" Von Erich. At this time, Fritz's sons-Kerry, Kevin, David and Mike were set to be the biggest stars in Texas, where in that early decade of the 80's, The National Expansion by the then WWF was years away. And in the Lone Star State, the Von Erichs were famous, they sold out arenas more than any Rockstar and had more female fans than any Teen Heart-throb!

But with great Success comes Great Tragedy, as One-By-One, a Brother had to see his family suffer time and again!

The Cover art is nice and Understated. Black Background and sepia tone lighting give Efron, Dickinson and Allen-White a larger than life presence.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 AND  CONTAINS DESCRIPTIONS OF BLOOD, OPERATIONS, STEROIDS, AND SUICIDES, THE LATTER WILL HAVE TRIGGER WARNINGS. CERTAIN WORDS HAD TO BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ON TO GET THE REVIEW OUT.

The Film opens with a black and white panoramic view of a Ring, as it starts to fade in a shot of Fritz Von Erich (Holt McCallany) in his later career beating an unseen opponent as the Ref tries to pull him out of the corner. The Music for this sequence needs Mention as the Fade In is timed with a string section in tension while every strike by Fritz is punctuated with a Drum beat. The scene is now played in real time as Fritz had bloodied his opponent to loud Boos. He holds up his hand to signal for his finisher, the Iron Claw, a Submission move where the Von Erichs would squeeze the Head of the opponent.

Yes, it sounds silly to non wrestling fans, but it's about believability. If I based my style on leaving my opponents a pile of Butchered Meat every night, then is anyone is gonna point out that my Lil' Head Squeeze is as Phoney as A Cuckoo's Nest?

After the Match, Jack is feeling his age. He meets his wife and 2 of his young sons, Kevin and David after the show in the Parking lot. Mrs Von Erich, (Maura Tierney) Pregnant with their Fifth son, has the Shock of her life when she sees their trailer pulled by a Cadillac. She's furious that Jack would splurge so much money on a sports car with a child on the way, even if it's a rental. But Jack tells her his star on the rise and with it coming, (The title shot) you have to be Stronger, Tougher, Better, to rely on family than anyone else in life as his sons listen on!

And I'm sure This will not Bite the family in the Ass Later On, At all (!)

Jack ends his speech by saying he will win the NWA Heavyweight Championship "And Noone Will Hurt us again" - as Mrs Von Erich prays under her Breath.

We Time skip to a decade later into full colour, as an Alarm Clock wakes up an Adult Kevin Addison. (Zac Efron) His Rest was not a peaceful one, as he Struggles with pain. He shares a Bedroom still with David (Harris Dickenson), He tells his half asleep brother he's going for a run. In the Intermediate time between the 60s and 1979, the Von Erichs secured a house, where we learn they are a Conservative, God fearing family as both a family portrait and a Cross hang over cabinets of handguns and Sporting Trophies.

As Kevin had his run, he monologues his Story. He believes his Family suffers from a Curse. That his parents tried to protect him and his Brothers from it- Mom with Prayer, and Dad with Wrestling. His Creed that being Strongest and toughest, meant you are untouchable, and they believed them, and it has lead them to Pushing themselves harder, because by now, it paid off, the Von Erichs  now ran World Class and it made local television. 

It's now 1979 and Kevin, the Eldest Child of Four has more to prove because he sets the example. Despite winning the Texas Heavyweight Championship, Kevin is hurt, and hurt badly.

Over Breakfast, Fritz Berates the Fitness of Youngest son, Mike, who says he'll just have one of his brothers to back him up, if he is in trouble.

FORESHADOWING!

Fritz Being "Father of the year" says despite Kerry being an Olympic Hopeful, Kevin, the Texas Champion, and David about to debut, he reminds his sons that, And I Quote "The Ranking on who's my Favourite son is subject to change!"

During Farmwork, (their wealth also letting them buy the land around the ranch.) David and Kevin overhear Dad berate Mike, so Kevin asks Mom if she can say anything to Dad. Mom says it's their problem to sort out. And while She is right, it's harsh in Hindsight knowing what happened next.

We Focus on the other Aspect of the Von Erichs' upbringing-Religion, though that really consists of them in nice clothes sitting in the pews as others sing hymns around them. After Church, the sons return to normalcy, hanging out with friends, eating takeaway and tubing down the river, despite the Tough love from Dad and Cold Shoulder from Mom, the Von Erich boys can't go anywhere without girls congregating around them.

We cut to a world class TV taping, As Kevin is interviewed ahead of a tag match, the one where David will debut, however behind the Camera, it's David who is making Kevin flub his lines with funny noises and faces, causing retake after retake.

It's another packed Friday Night at the Dallas Sportatorium, as Backstage, the Von Erichs and their opponents go through the finish of the match. As David gets the win on his professional debut, Fritz looks on in the wings with a critical eye and a wry smile.

As always after the matches, Girls Gaggle at the carpark wanting Autographs, until one woman, Pam (Lily James) is a bit more abrasive than the easily rattled blushing schoolgirls that usually ask for eight-by-tens. Kevin's mind is miles away, but is when she asks him out to dinner, it surprises him.

In Fritz's office, Bill Mercer, the Announcer has good news for Fritz, ESPN has offered A national television deal to World Class over the WWF, with promises from the other NWA territories to bring in stars to Texas for this show on a weekly basis, the only thing that will seal the deal with the other Heads of the Territories, is a Texan World Champion, and with Kevin as the State's Champion, He's a Shoe-in for the job.

Meanwhile Kevin and Pam are on a date in a diner, when a fan comes up from autograph, which Kevin signs. Pam asks him, if he really is that Famous, Kevin laughs it off by saying only in Texas-They use to be on the Road, but not as much Since they got the TV show. Pam outs herself by not being a fan, by asking if wrestling is fake, which Kevin is offended by, Pam backtracks by asking him instead what does he want in life, to which he immediately says "World Heavyweight Champion" without hesitation. He explains easily to Pam the Territory system of the World's Championship (SAVES ME FROM DOING IT!), and the Hierarchy of the separate territories heavyweight champions, but he equates his belt to having a worthless accolade on a office worker's résumé that's only really good for promoting yourself before All others up the chain of command. That's All He Wants (What Fritz Wants!) To be the best and have his family with him. Pam is more straight forward-She wants to settle down and start a family, and Kevin is all for it- He'll spring for their own ranch and have his brothers live there until they get married! Pam laughs it off by saying Kevin has Big Brother Syndrome-He wants to take care of everyone. Kevin reveals a secret to Pam, he's not the oldest brother. When he was 5, his older brother, Jack Jr died. Though the doesn't remember how, he was too young to process and Grieve. Pam gets up from her chair and hugs him. He says it's because of the family Curse!

The utterance of a Family Curse confuses Pam. And Kevin doesn't fully buy it either, but you see as I said above, the Adkisson family changed their name to Von Erich to play German Heels, which was Fritz's mother in law's name, who themselves had Woe-Be-Tied to their name. And by taking their name, Fritz believes they took the Curse Wholesale.

Pam believes that we make our own luck in life. Something Kevin starts to believe when he visits his father, who has Good news-The World Champion, Harley Race-is Coming for a limited Run in World Class- And it's Gonna be Against Kevin!

By Virtue of winning the State championship recently, NWA must honour giving any new state champion by offering a world's title shot. Despite Fritz's Success, he was never world's champion, So the Pressure is intensified.

Harley Race (Kevin Afton) is on his Fourth Reign as NWA World's champion, he is a Formidable Island to himself, as Future Greats like Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes and Tommy Rich all want what he wears on his shoulders-the National Wrestling Alliance World Heavyweight Championship.

It's the night of the Pilot on ESPN with the main event match packing the Sportatorium to it's rafters. Kevin is granted a match with Race...A NON-TITLE MATCH! Harley was a well respected wrestler because he made it look real, and he didn't suffer fools gladly, if you were in a match with Harley, he was never going to put up with gimmicks or Silly moves, Or the Beating you took was going to be worse! Keep in Mind Kevin had being hiding Injuries since the First Scene, and Being thrown to the Outside concrete floor is Not Helping Matters. Kevin can Barely Get in the Ring to Answer the 10 count. Despite a heroic Showing, the plan was changed without the Von Erich's approval, from a Straight loss by Pinfall to a Disqualification Win. David breaks it up and hands Kevin a Microphone to cut a promo, But Kevin's Gasping worries Fritz so David grabs the mic to finish the promo, And it saves the family rep.

Backstage David is sitting with Kevin with his ribs taped, when Fritz comes in all Angry. Kevin explains Harley changed the Toss to the Outside Shot without his knowledge. It was Suppose to be over the Middle Rope, not the Bottom Rope, Meaning Kevin Could not React in time, Fritz checks if the injuries are real, and concludes the NWA are testing Kevin in the same way he was, and why he believes the promotion has a Vendetta against his family! He's happy about what David did, and the company want him to tour.

When Fritz leaves, Kevin Tears into David on Stealing his Thunder.

Meanwhile Kerry Von Erich (Jeremy Allen-White) is Training to Represent America in Discus in the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Of course for those who don't remember or are too young to, That was the Year of the American Boycott, in protest of Russia invading Afghanistan. This causes Fritz to break-down Further in his mind!

Still they welcome Kerry Home with a banner and a Barbecue and the Brothers play some football with Dad to let go of some steam...Though the Tackles get rougher and Mike gets more flak against him!

During Dinner Which is the first Time the Family Meets Pam, Kerry asks when Kevin is getting his Title rematch. There is silence, until Dad says he's working on it! Kerry changes the Subject and asks Mike about his Music. Turns out Mike is very Adept with many instruments...A Trait, Mrs. Von Erich tell us comes from Fritz, He had a Music Scholarship, but gave it up for Football ("Everyone Knows there is No Future in Music!") So Even Upon that statement, Mike says his Band has a Gig at the local College Grounds, Mom says absolutely not...So Mike sneaks out that night with help from his brothers and Pam. Mike plays his gig, While Kevin and Pam sneak out for "Privacy" in their truck. But Kevin has a Confession...It will be his first time!

Sometime later Fritz is watching Wrestling on tv and Sees Ric Flair has won the world's title over Kevin's Rematch. This infuriates Fritz to no end, who convinces Kerry to join the Family Business ("They took the Olympics away from you, just like they took Football from me, the World Keeps Wanting to take from us, and I AM SICK OF IT!")

And it couldn't have come sooner, as With Kerry in tow, there is now a three man team that can square off with the Fabulous Freebirds and Catapult All Six men into Southern State Urban Legend, Both for Sublime In ring Action, Outrageous Storylines and C**aine-fuelled Wild Behaviour-But Despite The latter, the Money Stacks Up, Kevin and Pam Buy a House and Fritz pushes his sons further. And though the World's Title is Forever out of the Von Erich's Reach, Thanks to ESPN And Wrestling Magazines They gain every bit of National Fame. It's the family's Best Year in 1983, When the 3 Brothers win the Six-Man Tag Team Championships from their Rivals, The Freebirds.

After the Match, Fritz gets into the ring and despite the Celebration, He can't leave it alone!- He calls out NWA President Sam Muchnik By Name and announces That David will be World's Champion, Then Kerry, then Kevin.......AND THEN MIKE!

Fritz has become every bit of the monster he hates, he has On National Television, taken away the thing Mike Loves!

David Whispers to Kevin "I don't think Dad Meant to say I get the Belt First", only for Fritz to turn and ask if there is a problem, as the screen fades to black. 

As the screen fades back in, Kerry Is injecting himself, as the Three brothers line up to hear Dad's News. David is getting the Title shot against Ric Flair, however Due to his Outburst on TV, David will fight Flair In Non Title matches all over the country and then take a tour of Japan. He then takes a knee and passive Aggressively states the others "Did their Bit" to push David Up and to do more of it!

We Cut to some time later, at Kevin and Pam's Wedding and everyone is celebrating...until Kevin finds David in the men's room vomiting blood. Kevin asks David to Slow down, But David wants the world title first. To wit, Kevin says Dad will only push harder when he wins it. Kevin Suggests David not go to Japan. He tells him he forgives him for what happened during the Harley Race match and tells him he loves him. He loves being in the ring as a family. It's the only thing that matters....to him, NOT DAD! He was going to give this speech later in front of everyone but he lets David know he has a Surprise-Pam is Pregnant! And David is so happy he's going to be an uncle!

David would never meet the baby.

On February the 10th, 1984, David Von Erich was found dead in his hotel room in Japan. The cause of death was a Ruptured Intestine Due to Diverticulitis. He was only 25.

When Fritz tells Kevin the news, he pretends not to know. In another Display of Toxic Masculinity , Fritz rips the Sunglasses off Kerry to make sure noone sees any of his sons crying, he also calls the Death "The lord's work" upsetting Mrs Von Erich in her room. Kevin finds a Postcard addressed to him from David from Japan Written days before, David Oblivious to his Sudden demise later, he wrote saying that The Japanese thought David was Kevin and how he can't wait to have Kevin over here with him. He can just tell this all this himself, because by the time the letter is deliver he should be home by now. And yes David Returns to Texas as a hero.... but not like this!

Pam finds Kevin in the bedroom he and David shared all their life. Beaten up about the death. That night on the porch, Dad says David's title shot is In his hands and a Von Erich WILL Face Ric Flair at Parade Of The Champions, But Kevin and Kerry both want it, So the only fair way to settle it, is for Fritz to flip a coin. It spins in the air and the screen fades to black.

Time skips to Backstage and we see wrestling boots, given Kevin wrestled Barefoot all his career, it's Kerry who won the coin toss. At home, Mom watches the match, but she is not alone, as David's Ghost is sitting on the stairs, until she turns her head when she feels she's being watched.

Kerry with David's name emblazoned on his jacket, defeats Ric Flair and becomes world champion.

Kevin finds Kerry In The kitchen in the dark drinking and still not believing he won. He tells Kevin he going for a ride on his motorbike. As Kevin sits and wonders what's next for him, Tragedy strikes again, when a drunk Kerry can't see straight.

He cut to the aftermath of the accident, where we are spared to what also happened to Kerry's Severed Foot. The Urban Legend is Kerry's Foot was Reattached via surgery and was told not to put pressure On the foot, only to get on a Push Pedal motorcycle, he started the bike with the injured foot, speeds off one direction while the Foot flew in the opposite direction! Kevin is registering His Son Marshall's Birth certificate he wants to register his name as Adkisson. He wants to give his son the choice later on, but in truth, he's afraid of the Curse.

Kevin and Kerry are training Mike, but Mike doesn't have it at all, so when Mike is thrust into the Limelight he twists his wrist while landing during a Dropkick.

What was Supposed to be a Simple shoulder surgery, has become a life or death situation. Mike had come into Hospital with a 200° fever and is now in a coma, Due to Toxic Shock Syndrome. Kevin is rattled that 3 tragedies have hit them in 3 years as Pam tries to calm her husband down. If he wants someone to blame, blame Fritz. At Home Kevin is too despondent to care for the baby.

Mike Pulls through and the family arranges a press conference. Mike had Suffered a Brain injury and nerve damage, all the while Fritz does nothing but stares at Mike as he always does.....As a Disappointment!

The Family Dinner Since Mike's Recovery happens and the mood is tense, the cries of the baby Breaks the Silence. Professionally Kevin is now treated as a Midcarder, too low to challenge for belts but important enough to build new stars. In a tag match were his "Cousin" Lance (Lance was an unrelated Bodybuilder that Fritz hired solely to replace Mike "in the family", as claiming him to be a cousin will not make the family lose face!) did all the Work (A Cameo by Then AEW World champion Maxwell Jacob Friedman) Kevin retires to a ramshackle Bedsit in a tour truck. 

Kerry has good news, he's fitted with a Prosthetic foot, but the joy is soon diminished when he can't walk normally, let alone wrestle. Mike is found by mom staring blankly at a painting they had for years. Mom says that she painted it, it's a picture of her childhood house. Mike asks why did she stop painting, if she was so good. She says she "Forgotten the reason", But given what happens in her final scene, it was no doubt Strongarmed by Fritz wanting her to just be a wife and mother. Mike blurts out "I'm not David!" He knows that he could never replace David, in the ring or in anyone's eyes. That night Mike plays in his beloved guitar, but the nerve damage is too much, as Kerry is Frustrated during a training match with Kevin that his body is not doing what he tells it too. Kevin is trying to tell him to slow down to take the accident as something greater than himself telling him to take it easy, to which Kerry replies with "So Dad Can give you all his love?" Kerry is lying on the Mat helpless until Kevin helps him up. All the while behind them a faint light passes them, it's Mike walking in the dark with a sleeping Bag and a lantern. 

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE

We hear his last words from his suicide note he left.

After a long search by Family and Police, on April the 12th 1987, Michael Von Erich's body was found in a field wrapped in a sleeping bag. The cause of death was determined to be an overd*se of Sedatives. He was 23.

"For the most part, the casting of this film has being great, but I'm Sorry, But Aaron Eisenberg, is too thin to pay Eighties Ric Flair, and while Flair can be Histrionic and Loud in his promos, Ric had Base in his Voice, and the Woo!, the famous "Woo!" has no Oomph to it!"

The thought of a funeral so soon had Spooked Doris (This was the only time her name has being given to this point!) She has only one black dress, and she's worried that the town will think the family are a bunch of cheapskates! Pam finds her and shakes her out of her funk! Kevin doesn't know if the family wants him to stay the night, but Pam with Marshall getting Fussy in her arms argues that he should come home with her, Kevin picks his Parents over his Own Family. And just like that Fritz had what he always watched, a focused son with no baggage, as Kevin trains, he repeats the opening monologue and Soon Kevin is challenging for the World title once more, this time against Ric Flair in 1986. Who's televised jeers of "Daddy's Boy!" Sets off Kevin who enters the ring and Steamrolls "The Nature Boy"! The usually Clean Cut Milk Drinking Baby-face, has lost it! Kevin puts the Iron Claw on Flair and bursts him open in the opening minutes, causing a Disqualification.

Backstage in familiar territory, the Von Erichs think they are Screwed out of the Title Picture, until Flair walks in....happy as Larry! For the 2% of people who don't know who Ric Flair is, as famous as he is for holding the Most title reigns In History...he is also famous for having scar tissue in his forehead that's as Strong as Wet Kleenex! He doesn't mind that he's bleeding. He's Fine! Knowing he's Bleeding means he can get Drunk Quicker at the Club later!

Despite Ric Saying he'll see that Kevin gets the rematch he deserves after Growing a Set...Kevin finds Pam and Marshall at home and Retires...years go by, the Eighties bow out for the Nineties. And Kevin is the model stay at home Dad while it's Pam who returns to work.  The family welcomed a Second Son, Ross, but their new home is far too small for two growing boys. There is only one thing for it, a Return to the ring!

 There is only one problem with that!

The WWF's National Expansion has Came and went in the 80s. What that meant was when WWF broke from being the NWA'S Eastern Seaboard Territory, it started to headhunt top stars from the Territories to add to its roster, Kerry included! The NWA combined it's remaining resources into the Carolinas And it's Strongest Promotion, Jim Crockett Promotions, before it was Sold to Ted Turner to become World Championship Wrestling! However because of Fritz's constant undermining of the NWA, they decided to leave World Class to Shrivel up and die! So Fritz sells it Kevin, but Kevin is going to sell World Class back to the NWA, this angers Fritz, But Kevin learned something when going through expenses. Fritz has being cooking the books for years!

Kerry wins the WWF intercontinental championship at SummerSlam (at the time, Considered the Number 2 belt WRESTLING HAS TOO MANY CHAMPIONSHIPS!) His reign goes through Christmas of that year where all family are gathered for Christmas Dinner, But Fritz won't stop Publicly Shaming Kevin for his betrayal. Kerry is not staying-he's on tour to Mexico in the morning so he hands Dad his present, a Smith & Wesson Pistol which Fritz puts away rather than seeing if it works, given the tension in room.

Later on in the new year of 1993, after Kerry loses the belt, Kerry rings Kevin In the Middle of the night, he's in so much pain, the Ste*oids and the Pills don't work. He's being let go of his contract, and he's scared! Kevin wants to help and wants Kerry to see Reason, but he can't let his children see him like this, but Kerry rambles on saying Kevin wouldn't know how to help because he's "HAD IT EASY!" Kevin turns the other cheek and asks where he is, causing Kerry to hang up, Kevin calls Fritz asks if he knows where Kerry is staying, there is a Pregnant Pause, until Fritz says he's not getting involved in a Problem they can sort out. Kevin holds his tongue and just asks his Father to Keep an eye out for Kerry.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE!

On the 18th of February 1993, Kevin arrived to the Von Erich ranch, to find Kerry's car abandoned and the front door of the house ajar, upon hearing a shot Kevin ran to a tree where Kerry is slumped dead, a shot through the heart. To this day, there is an Angel erected by Fritz to denote where the bullet is lodged in the tree.

Back to the Story, Kevin stands over Kerry where he Sees his father running towards the scene. Kevin assaults his father for not keeping an eye on him. He shifts the blame onto Kevin. They fight in the dirt and Kevin nearly chokes his father to Death.

Kevin finds the gun Kerry used, in a sadder turn of events, it was the gun Kerry gifted to his father. Kevin picks up his brother's corpse and brings it to the House. On a side table. We see and hear his last words- That he can't wait to see his brothers. As Kevin props his brother's body onto the table, we see Kerry's spirit leaving the house barefoot, both his feet are his own. He walks to the river and gets into a row boat, paying a quarter for the ferryman, he is rowed to the next bank where on a pier on the proverbial other side are Mike and David. They hug and they are not alone, behind the other deceased brothers is a young boy no more than six years old. So Kerry meets the brother he never knew, Jack Jnr. As the four Deceased brothers hug they leave this mortal plain. 

A week later at the now closed Down Sportatorium, Kevin Finalizes the Deal to sell the promotion to Jerry Jarrett of the NWA, Despite Fritz's attempts to intimidate The Jarrett Family. 

Knowing my History, I just know Teeny Jarrett would have chased him out with a Frying plan and cursed him out while doing it!

When Fritz comes home, he sees Doris is busy painting. When Fritz asks if she's cooking dinner, she answers "I'm not hungry, you can make something yourself!" Showing us she has gained some control of her life.

And so the film ends with Kevin and Pam expecting a 3rd Child. And seeing Ross and Marshall play Football makes Kevin Cry about the loss of his brothers "I use to be a Brother And now I'm not even that anymore!" His sons Comfort him as they join in their game of football.

We get an Epilogue but allow me to add more information. In 2009 the Von Erichs were Inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. And by "Von Erichs" I Meant only the brothers.

Four years after Kerry's Death, Fritz died from Lung Cancer.

Kevin and Pam have being Married for 40 years and now Live in a Compound in Hawaii with their 4 children and 13 grandchildren. Ross and Marshall Took up the Family Business and The Von Erich name as they became Wrestlers Currently Signed with All Elite Wrestling. They were even in this film as Wrestling Extras!

Kerry's Daughter Lacey wrestled for TNA in the last decade, But Media Attention and Public curiosity put her on Television far Too early for her matches to be considered good!

THIS FILM IS GREAT BUT MAN IS IT HARD TO WATCH SOMETIMES!

After Shattering the Cookie cutter Nice Guy role that Bought him fame in High School Musical by masterfully playing Ted Bundy in Shockingly Wicked, Completely Evil and Vile, Zac Efron topped this Performance and Bulked up to do so to play Kevin Von Erich in Sean Durkin's Film, which he also wrote. Durkin, a life long fan of the Squared Circle, couldn't have picked a better story of triumph and tragedy than if you weren't a wrestling fan, was a story you may never have heard of. But it's also a story you can relate to beyond the framing device, with issues could easily understand.

The Fight Choreography is Top notch, it looked like You were watching archive Footage, and with good reason-Kevin and the remaining family were on board with the creative Process, we had great Character actors who fleshed out the people they were, not the stars, who The world saw on TV every week. Zac Efron played Kevin as the man who tried to please the world.  Jeremy Allen-White took the role as Kerry being the Hot blooded and Determined Son who is completely Obedient. But it's the supporting cast I gravitated towards...or in the case of Holt McCalleny's Fritz Von Erich, Completely Repulsed by!

If they had just written Fritz to be an Ogre to his children, it would not be as effective. On the contrary, when Villains are not played Straight they are usually written sympathetic, but here is the thing: Despite imposing his toxic will, for the fraud he committed to keep up appearances, outside the ring, when wrestling was not the forefront of his mind, he did love his family, and truly wanted the best for his sons, he just so happens didn't want his sons to do better....THAN HIM! And Holt nailed that to a tee, Stanley Simons' Performance as Mike, I Enjoyed as the sensitive Teen Deer in the headlights that became the lamb to the slaughter.

On the technical Side, the Cinematography was Sublime, the location shots of the ranches and townhouses are as Beautiful as they can be sombre. There are Screen effects and Graphics added to the wrestling matches that make them look straight out of a VHS tape of a TV recording. And the match action was filmed in a way similar to how Wrestling is filmed, with Close ups and Dynamic Angles. There is a Small nit-pick. The film suffers from a slight Time compression Problem, with no real Determination of the passage of time apart from the wrestling show Graphics, you would think all the events happened in the space of 5 months,  not 10 plus years. But that is a minor complaint In a true masterclass of a film. 

CREDITS

The Iron Claw was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (RealEnli on X)

With Media from:

The Iron Claw

Liar, Liar

Loki: the series.

Dr Who

The Iron Claw was co-produced by A24 Studios and the BBC and distributed by Lionsgate.

All Rights reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

How bad must a Disney Film be, if even McDonald's won't make a happy meal to promote it?

For the Christmas special, we Will find out what exactly made Wish fail in the cinema!

If you had being effected by the Issues brought up in this review, please Consult Your Country's anti-suicide Hotline, but if you are in Ireland, here is the Link to the Samaritans Charity.

Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen (google.com)

This is not a sponsored Review, But I Think the film showed these topics so strongly, I think it should be here.

AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF OUR STORYLINE

THE TWO DEATHS OF E!

CHAPTER 5-COMING UNDONE!

In Earth's Hell, in a Prison of Ice, The SatanicOstrich was in a more pensive mood than possible. 

That is when "They" Arrived.

MY, IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO NOTICE DIDN'T IT?" They Said, their back to the beings who have come to beseech them.

yES, wE fEEL sOMETHING iS mISSING....lIKE sOMETHING iMPORTANT, bUT hOW cOULD iT bE iF iT wAS oNLY a hUMAN. sOMETHING iS dIFFERENT, lIKE iT'S bEING...

FORGOTTEN?

THE Glowing Beings the Cosmic Entities, morphed their featureless nodding heads to show facial cues to denote that they had a moment of clarity, before fading back into silhouettes.

(Ostrich raised the Mug which Eamonn Gave The Devil, when he had a moment of no confidence Years ago, It read "World's Greatest Boss!" YOUR MISSING HUMAN IS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS! YOUR CHAMPION WHO DEFEATED ME, YOUR CHAMPION WHO DEFEATED ONE OF YOUR OWN, THE NEW RAGE! THE ONE WHO DEFEATED THE MARA. HOW CAN YOU FORGET?

iF tHIS hUMAN cOULD dO tHESE tHINGS, hOW cOULD wE fORGET?

LOOK NO FURTHER THAN YOUR OWN BACKYARD!

The ethereal creatures looked at each other, as if Ostrich had answered them in a foreign language. To the Secluded beings from the Forge of Creation, it kind of was.

wE hAVE a bACKYARD?

Oh my You! I'm trying to say it's The Appraisers of Will, it's Death and one of his Three Playmates! 

tHIS iS a gREAT cRISIS, bUT iF tHIS hUMAN iS aS pOWERFUL aS yOU sAY, aND wE wOULD aLLOW sUCH a tHING, tHEN tHE cONSEQUENCES oF hIS rEMOVAL wOULD bE fELT.

(Ostrich used his extrasensory powers to find souls. He zoned in on a soul similar to Joe-Jack's, but Different, flying around Irish Airspace. He teleported the soul's incumbent to his icy prison. 

Sitting on a Horse themed Flying Motorcycle, was a former ally from Earth-3, A counterpart to Joe-Jack, but what if he was Cultured and Refined. Thankfully this Rebel and Freedom Fighter, Yousef Commonman had the same fighting Spirit that didn't set him apart from the unhinged Farmer from this Earth. He sat on the seat of his vehicle, Nonplussed by being surrounded by a Crossdressing Ostrich and a Group of glowing Children.)

Can someone please tell me what in blazes am I doing in Earth-1?

Jusef volleyed himself off the bike, his Jack boots clicking as his feet connected with the  hewn Basalt floor. He wore Slacks, Brown ones, held up by braces made of blackened leather, that sat firm on a freshly ironed White button down shirt. He had the same face as Joe-Jack, just as you would expect, but his beard was tidy.

What was that about consequences?

sATAN, eXPLAIN tHiS, wHO iS tHIS hUMAN? aND WHY dOES hE iS hE nOT kNOWN tO uS?

Oh right, you didn't directly meddle with each others affairs during The Leader and Heavenscar before you sealed the dimensions for good. Cosmic Entities, Jusef Commonman, he's a Rebel and Highwayman of sorts, coming from the Earth-3 timeline where Guy Fawkes Screwed the Pooch by using Uranium instead of Gunpowder, causing a Steampunk reality where Victorian era sensibilities extend to Current Year. He fights against those who want to enforce these Luddite restrictions.

wE aRE aWARE oF tHE eARTH-3 gAME. mOST oF uS fIND a gAME wITH nO wORTHWHILE pERKs tO bE...bORING!

A game? Who the hell are you to say my suffering is a "GAME"?

And Jusef, meet the Cosmic Entities. Creatures who play with the souls of men like a board game, they get so wound up that they get lesser beings to observe the Flow of Time, to the point they bodge it, Causing something like say, I don't know....CAUSING DEATH TO TAKE EAMONN!

Jusef's eyes widened with shock, "HE'S DEAD?"

No not yet, he's being sent to a place we need to bust him out from, he's being Forgotten, which is a lower state of existence, like a parallel universe. But that's the thing, you can only go there if you are Forgotten....but there are exceptions. Creatures like me and them have free reign to travel there....

That is all well and good but, it doesn't explain how I got here! 

wE hAVE a tHEORY. wE bELIEVE a pERSON oF tHIS iMPORT hAS aN iMPACT oN hIS wORLD. sO mUCH  sO, tHAT rEMOVING hIM mEANS uNDOING hIS ACTIONS, sEALING tHE wORLDS fROM eACH oTHER iNCLUDED!

Wait does that Mean any enemies we've defeated would return from the dead?

No....they would stay dead, and even then, Master Control would not Rise to the peak of her because, the Earth 2 Eighties Lad Di....oh no!

What?

Eamonn doesn't kill all his enemies, they are given a chance to change and those you can't...

aRE REMOVED fROM pLAY!

(Somewhere in some back alley, there is a crack in reality, two figures, "removed from play" ventured from the Discard Dimension.)

THE TWO DEATHS OF E CONTINUES IN JANUARY!

Halloween Special 2024: Eye of the Beast

 Here we are with the Halloween Special, where it's Customary on this website to delve into the Very Worst of Sky's Freeview Horror and Sci-fi channels.

Only this year, we have a little Problem. 

Last winter, Horror channel, CBS Action and Thriller all rebranded as Legend, and widened their programming beyond their former identities' Niches, for good and bad, sure we can now spring for Hammer Horror and classics like Day Of The Triffids, But any bad Horror is lost in the shuffle of equally bad modern westerns, Mindless Shot-All-Dem-Dar-Russians Action Films and Cheesy Romance Films.

So yeah, this year, I Really had to delve my hand into the Celluloid Sewer to pull out Specific Crap from a sea of Crap!

But I still pulled a Turd out to be examined-And what can be better than a Former Big-Time TV Star from the most overrated AF show of the Late Nineties, punching Plastic Tentacles while stage hands dump water on you on a Shaky Sound stage?

Let's Dig into 2007's Eye of the Beast.

Watching this from a recording on Sky, so no review on artwork!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG, BUT THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

The film starts on the night of the Full Moon on a lake, where Cringy parody of CURRENT YEAR! Hip hop plays out, as two Stupid Sexy Teens in a Speedboat make out!

So the Stupid Sexy Teen Boy throws his trash into the water, which make the Stupid Girl not put out... for a minute! Until she hears a noise, so we get the Customary fake-out, until the real thing comes to kill our Hormonal Happy Meals on Legs, as a tentacle Drags down the Speedboat (The CGI clearly shows a Ship being crushed!) As the boy, Bobby cries out for Chrissy, who is no doubt dead!

Cut to the morning here in the lakeside town of Fell Island, as the Good looking female Sheriff exercises in preparation to having an action scene later. We cut to an empty pub, as a Fisherman tells his wife, the publican, he's picking up a scientist that's come to the island to investigate the drop of the Fish population, otherwise the local business will be in trouble. 

And so to the Sheriff's office, Chrissy's adult brother, Pete, who was the only family she had, reports her missing to Sheriff Kat who gives him the old 48 hour excuse (Which is a fabrication of Hollywood!)  But it seems Kat had a thing with him back in the day, something that has given her a bad reputation when any outsiders come to town.

Speaking of, we get the new Arrivals , a Family of pampered unlikable Tourists and our hero Dr James Van Der Guy from a Music Video! This is Fell Island, an armpit of Nowhere, in Ontario, Canada, That makes it's commerce via A struggling Fishing industry, lakeside Home-share real estate and "the Beast" as a local t-shirt peddler calling himself "The Capt'n" gets a rise out of the Tourists.

Dr Dan Leland (Van Der Beek) meets with the Sheriff who predictably enough, makes Goo-goo eyes at the PhD, only she doesn't want his PH, she only wants his.... I'LL STOP! 

He wants to get to business as soon as possible, much to the anger of Gunner, the fisherman we saw earlier. Kat exposits that the fishermen don't trust Any researchers as they in the Past were bribed by the fishing companies, who just want to up and leave the smaller islands in favour of bigger catches. They also believe the low numbers are because of the "Indians" who are exploiting Traditional Rights to overfish. (This film was made in 2007, so it was a different time!)

Gunner's Boat Brings them out to the middle of the lake, meanwhile we are back with our family of Yuppies having a walk at Lakeside, the father is snatched by a tentacle, while taking Pictures of stones- Being a City Slicker I'm sure the only grass and rocks he's seen are the kind sold in back alleys! 

Back on the boat, Dr Leland doesn't make himself anymore welcome, but since they are all R*cist on this Boat, why would he? Back at the Bar, all the Fishwives gossip, like they do and are Convinced Sheriff Kat puts herself out for the revolving door of Scientists to convince them to close down the cannery, as we learn the Fishing Company had it's hand in on the island's Game and Fishing Department and maybe they Should "Convince" Kat to be on their side, for once.

That night, Leland's sonar picks up something not moving in the water, they find the debris of Bobby's speedboat and a Unconscious Bobby. He startles back to life, rambling about a monster eating Chrissy, before he Dies from Hypothermia.

Leland examines the Debris and Finds not Bite marks, but spiral marks, like those from a tentacle, but nothing that big shouldn't exist, not in a cold freshwater land locked lake. He's worried but he makes the mistake of not telling the suspicious fisherman what he found.

Kat gets a Phonecall by the crew to retrieve Bobby's body for Autopsy. When Leland shows Kat the Debris that had Spiral Patterns, Kat accuses them all of evidence tampering, causing Gunner to let slip about "Giant Squid". Chrissy's Brother hears this and now knows his sister is dead.

Using Google Dr Leland matches the pattern to an image found on a whale, he's convinced there is a giant Squid in the waters surrounding them.

Leland and Kat get to know each other while searching for the missing Tourist and they find him- or at least, they find What's left!

Kat invites Leland for a drink that night, not helping the Rumours that she hooks up with all the Scientists for her bosses. Chrissy's family are native American, as is Kat. They are sitting at a table speaking to each other in their native tongue about taking revenge. When Dr Leland invites himself over to talk to them, his friendly actions causes a Fight between them and the Fishermen when the white men harangue the natives and steal their beers, but Leland and Kat break it up, meanwhile the "Capt'n" Finds Chrissy's leg while fishing, which is identified as hers at the police station, when Pete sees the  Bracelet he made for his sister, as a girl.

Kat Issues a Ban on Fishing which naturally doesn't go down well with the Fishermen, Who accuse the Native Sherrif of Favouring her "Own Kind". Dr Leland tries to make them see sense, except he's about as welcome as a Box Of Cancer too! So the Fishermen resolve to man the fishery themselves.

Kat showing both warring parties the Tourist's Torso and Kat's Leg Convinces them neither is at fault for their deaths, Meanwhile Gunner's Crew, Noah and Spider have Stolen Debris to sell to the likes of "Capt'n" or anyone who will pay good money on the existence of "The Beast", Much to Dr Leland's Falling credibility when he issues a report to his Superiors, who are not Convinced and drag up his Daddy Issues, (It was mentioned the older Dan Leland is like the Superstar of Marine Biology!)

In the Bar, despite the doctor being Persona Non Gratia, They Serve him, However Mrs Jen Gunner exposists that Kat "saw" a Lake Monster "kill" her father and she never got over her delusion, citing it as the reason she wants the Fishery Closed Down. Kat has opted to take time off, just as Dawson explains how Deep we are Up this Creek!

Kat brings Leland to her house and sure enough, she is obsessed with Giant Squid, But it's not enough to convince his Bosses, even if they had proof, Then they would Protect the squid and Relocate everyone off the island. 

At the same time the Gunners Contemplate their future...when a CGI Tentacle give them both a pat on the back! In their panic, Jen throws her husband's knife to him and he cuts off the tentacle...Well There's Your Proof!

Gunner Throws the tentacle Onto the table at the bar as the local Yokels have more Slack in their Jaws than usual! Leland sees this, and with a handful of squid blood goes to Kat to convince her to either stop the creature or Gunner and his men from leading a suicide mission!

So the Plan is to Stop Gunner by using their collective knowledge to convince the fisherman how inadequate his equipment are, So Kat wants Gunner and his men to team with the Natives.

So the Film devolves into Night-time B-roll and Plastic Tentacles hitting actors Splashed by Buckets of water by an offscreen stagehand.

The plan is to use the Squid's Naturally Emitted ammonia which it uses to regulate it's body temperature. If they can keep it near the surface it'll overheat itself!

So Let's Wrap this up!

The Squid Destroys the Engines of Gunner's Ship, Not to Attack it, But to stop them from rescuing the Native Ship, who are picked off one by one, by plastic Tentacles and the ship is crushed by the same animation that crushed the speedboat-And they are next! Leland has a plan B-Just plain electrocute the dahm thing with Wires and Harpoons, The beast kills Noah and Spider, it Drags Gunner but finds Kat Gunner has Rigged the Device to Blow, but his escape route is blocked, the Giant Squid reveals itself as Kat gets her Revenge by Harpooning it right in the eye, Gunner flips the switch as the electrified Squid falls back into the depths, now dead, But for romantic drama, Fishing lines tie around Kat's foot and Pulls her into the water, and she nearly drowns, if not for Dr Leland saving her and they Kiss in the water as Gunner rolls his eyes, and So the Sun Rises On Fell Lake, With our Heroes making plans to get the hell outta dodge before there are talks of a sequel! 

NOT BAD, NOT REMARKABLE EITHER!

Due to the limited Technology of 2007, and The Reputation of Canada's Film Board, this film naturally has little resources going into it! The smart choice Was to write this script in the Godzilla Method: Tease the Creature's appearance, Focus on the Human Drama caused by the presence of this creature and make it believable, like having a creature terrorise a fishing town causing it's citizens to turn on each other and blame outsiders!

It all falls apart in the 3rd act, where the action is moved from Scenic Ontario to a sound stage, where Van Der Beek, The Cameraman from Power rangers Dino Thunder and a few soap actors fight rubber tentacles as stage hands shake the platform they are standing on! While the CGI hasn't aged well, these 2000s era Sci-fi channel original movies of this calibre have some charm!

 CREDITS

Eye of the Beast was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With media from

Jontron

Eye Of the Beast.

Eye of the Beast was Produced for Syfy (then called Sci-fi Channel) by RHI and Sonar Entertainment

All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

"When I Was Young....I was a famous Brother...."

"...And Now, I'm Not even That Anymore!"

Next Month we go through the True story of the Famed Von Erich Family of Wrestlers, a clan who are were blessed with god-given talent and cursed with Tragedy that would tear their world apart! As we ring the bell and Tussle with The Iron Claw!

Eamonn Reviews the Flash

 The last couple of years has not being kind to DC Comics Films.

Wonder woman 1984 was a Disaster, one that didn't understand the Origins of what is considered Diana Prince's rival Villain, Cheetah. 

Aquaman had Amber Heard in it, and from the quality of line Delivery, she had a Film Hand hanging mid-air, or in the water with her holding an Idiot Card. 

Black Adam would have being better if it wasn't for the Sabotage by its own Star, Rock "The Dwayne" and his Bottle Filling Johnson! And one day the amount of damage Johnson did, deserves its own Discussion.

Today we are Discussing a Film that was Sabotaged long before it's Star would get his own film, when they announced Ezra Miller was Still starring as the Flash after Justice League. 

If Ezra Miller was Anything Before being A Wuss who Threw chairs at Women, he sure as hell won't be Anything after this film.

Ezra has being nothing but a Weirdo and a liability. He's gone on Spates of wild Behaviour, causing assaults and bar fights, including throwing a chair at a waitress in an unprovoked attack that left her scarred.

And those are the Things I can talk about without Google putting this review behind a warning,  I can't go into the Full Details of that whole mess with Ezra and Tokata Iron Eyes, During the Filming of Fantastic Beasts, but that points to something a lot worse!

But with that Said, let's dig into The Flash.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12. HOWEVER THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND. CERTAIN WORDS HAD TO BE CENSORED TO MAKE THIS REVIEW ADHERE TO GOOGLE STANDARDS. THIS FILM CONTAINS INNUENDO AND DESCRIPTIONS OF MURDER. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

The logo pushes the Cover art Down, taking up A Third of space and even then it feels Empty. On top we have the only thing that caused any buzz for this film: the Return of Michael Keaton as Batman. Beside his head and the Batplane, Sasha Calle makes her DC Comics Films debut as Supergirl and it looks like they painted The Suit on her and she's giving all the men the stink-eye for staring.

Put Down in the Bottom is Ezra Miller, and for all the Stuff he has Done, he should be Put Down.

We Open in a Deli in Coast City aka DC's Not-Boston. As Nervous and Socially Awkward crime Scene Technician Dr Barry Allen aka the Flash tries to order his Specific Usual, A Hi carb Version of the PB&J. 

BACKSTORY!

It's common Knowledge that Superheroes need weaknesses for their stories to work. Superman has Kryptonite, Green lantern has the Yellow light of Fear, Storm has Claustrophobia. But the Flash's weakness is one shared by the Fastest thing on Earth. 

Hummingbirds spend 85% plus of their waking lives eating nectar, so as such Barry's Super speed Powers has made His Metabolism Astronomically High.

It's just a Shame he's being served by the Biggest Dou***est Do***bag who ever D****ed!

So Barry gets a Phone-call from All People, Alfred Pennyworth, Butler for the Goddam Batman. He tells Barry there is a Hospital Robbery in Gotham and he wants him to kindly deal with it. Naturally Batman and Superman are Busy and They Telegraph The Wonder Woman Cameo Early, so No dice on help.

So Barry says Screw it, goes into the Bathroom, and transforms into the Flash where he is recognized by Fans. Usually he'd go on his merry way, but he's Hungry and his powers are tied to metabolism. So he sees one fan holding chocolate. "Give me your Candy bar in the name of justice!" ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!

 As Alfred Berates him over his intercom in his helmet, Barry can't even enjoy the Non Descript Candy bar that Beans off his head.

And so he speeds off with some of the most Awkward looking 360 Degree Running, I know they wanted an Actor who's Body was Slender to pull off how an Athlete would run, but there is just something fake about How Ezra pumps his knees and bends his Elbows.

So the Flash Arrives in Gotham, as an Earthquake breaks Ground under a Hospital, where a Gang had just Gotten away with a Briefcase Full of Vials that contain viruses. While Batman is in Pursuit, Flash is on Rescue and Clean-up Duty, repairing Electrical and Gas Lines that were damaged.

And here we see the main problem with this film.

The Flash is a Whiney Little B***h!

No Kidding- Barry Spends all this scene complaining with his Voice Breaking at times that he's treated as the "Justice League Janitor"

Meanwhile the Real Action with Batman (Ben Affleck) chasing after the armoured car with the Bat-Cycle , he Shoots a Bat Spike trap at the Road In front of the Car, but they Start Blasting at the Caped Crusader.

Back with our hero ignores Alfred's Warning about the Hospital's Maternity wing Collapsing to complain about his lack of breakfast, So Naturally the Wing Crumbles as a Midwife and a whole Floor of New-borns Fall from the Sky, and the So called Comedy writers have the Nerve to have Flash say "Now That's what I call A Baby Shower"

Tapping into the Speed Force, the Pocket Dimension that lets him move in Planck Time, and turns the World Orange like the world was filmed in the Mexico Filter, the Flash does his best to save the day....but the first thing he does is smash a vending machine and gorge on the Stolen goods inside.

Usually I wouldn't say "OUR HERO, EVERYONE!" When our hero is actually put upon, but since this film had succeeded in assassinating Barry Allen's character- OUR HERO, EVERYONE!

Properly powered up, Allen uses A microwave and a Guerny to Rescue the Babies and the midwife. The microwave which had a Burrito he ate and stole, is where he puts a baby in. When time resumes, the microwave dings and he reveals the baby, no doubt suffering internal injuries from being stuffed in a working microwave!

Batman continues his pursuit, but the driver see Batman and Peaces out when the Dark knight attacks the other thieves, causing the armoured car to crash into a bridge and it results in Batman and the remaining thief to dangle over the river, with the Briefcase opening. Alfred stating that if at least one vial reacts with water, thousands will die by midday.

But wouldn't you know who won the pony? But Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) makes a cameo, rescuing Bats and the Thief with the lasso of truth. Flash has arrived and makes Goo-goo eyes at Wondie, as Batman can't stop talking about his Psychosis because of the Lasso of Truth. Flash tries to unravel Bats, but when he touches the lasso, he bursts out that he's a virgin.

Keep that Humiliation Train chugging down the line!

Finally getting his breakfast, Barry heads to work late, as his Boss, (British comedian Sanjeev Bhaskar) Berates him for being late and causing a backlog of cases, which makes Barry the Butt of the joke when his colleagues show that the boss has to do a press conference. Causing him to rant that investigation work is the only thing that shouldn't be Rushed.... says the man with super speed.

That's when Reporter Iris West, Barry's childhood sweetheart, breaks from the Press Gang and Barry loses the sense to form a sentence. Pushing away his equally Do**hey Friends to catch up with Iris.

Assuming you are reading this without ever reading A Flash comic or watched the TV show, Iris gives us exposition. Barry's Father is in jail for the murder of his wife under mysterious circumstances. That being his wife killed in a fight between A Future Flash and the Reverse Flash, This Event is what drove Barry to Forensics: in an attempt to clear his father's name.

When Barry returns home he finds a large Envelope from Wayne industries. The contents are a firestick and A note with 2 words written. "I'm sorry". Having his weekly phone call with his father, Barry examines the file on the firestick, and while it confirms Henry Allen was shopping that night, he never once looked up at the camera, so it's not conclusive evidence. But Henry doesn't want his son to waste the rest of his life trying to save him.

They go into a Flashback about Mrs Allen, but it only proves one thing.

Barry never Grew out of being a Petulant Brat!

Apparently, Nora Allen was Italian. On the day of her death, she had asked Henry to go for the store for Canned Tomatoes.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DETAILS OF MURDER

When Henry returned, He finds his wife stabbed with a knife. And that's how the flashback ends, with Henry reiterating to his son he doesn't want him to throw his life away for him. 

This makes Flash so Angry that he just runs so hard, that he reverses time. He explains this to Bruce, after reliving the day in A Groundhog day loop. Bruce Doesn't believe a word. He does, however, warn Barry that using this power will cause a Ripple effect that will change everything. When Bruce makes his leave, Iris Arrives to reminisce with Barry.

After some sad attempts at Comedy (Using Super Speed to clean a Dirty flat only for all the rubbish to fall out of a Wardrobe, or stealing Beers from a neighbours fridge by phasing through walls!) She says the exact same thing Henry did, but now Barry is more Adamant than ever to try and change the past to save his mother, without anyone seeing him, perhaps adding The Tomatoes means, Henry would not have a reason to leave the House.

In the Past flash uses his Sunny Delight Slow Mo powers to slip Tomatoes in Mrs Allen's Shopping Basket. As he runs forward to the Present, he sees new memories of the childhood he would have had, that is until a Second speedster, one with a glowing Skull Mask and Purple Tron lines and spiked Shoulder pads, kicks Barry into an unknown time.

After Pantsing an old man with his powers for a change of clothes, Barry enters his Childhood home and sees a Woman in the kitchen, with her back turned, she turns and it's Nora Allen. He hugs her and tells her he loves her.

As Barry Enthusiastically wolves down his Mother's Pasta. Something is off though, when his parents ask about "school" and not "work". It's when he Sees A Doppelganger coming this way and Stops him , under the Guise of a mugger using y-fronts as  a mask, ask the second Barry how old he is. The 18 year old Barry ( who I will call Barry-2) thinks it's all "So Trippy Dude!"

This Dialogue Is So Trippy, Dude!

So, what's more Irritating than One Ezra Miller? A Second Ezra Miller Doing a Dude-Bro Stoner Voice! He even has this annoying laugh that sounds like a Engine Trying to start. So Barry-1 is stuck in the Past being blackmailed by the only person he should trust-Himself!

So Barry is like "Screw This! I Can't have myself destroy the Timeline, who ever heard of the Flash Destroying existence for everyone else, JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER AFTER A MISTAKE I MADE?"

HEH...HEH..HEH (SIGH!)

So Barry opts to punch his Past self to make him Forget! It doesn't work and all it does is dislodge a front tooth, one that they glue back in place.

PLOT POINT!

Line up and take a Number, Ezra! Everyone wants to punch you!

...That is until he learns that today is the day Barry Got his Powers. Both Barrys have to recreate the origin story or Barry-1 gets Overwritten out of Existence!

So with Mom No Longer Dead, this New Barry Had No reason to Intern at Star Labs. So they have Break into Star Labs, or Barry-1 gets Nuked out of Reality. But he argues with himself in the chemical lab, as he Waited until NOW! to tell his past self his powers came from being electrocuted and covered in chemicals. This causes Barry-1 To be struck by Lightning and have that lightning passed through Barry-2. Those this Mean we have 2 Flashes?

Bad Choice of Words, I mean 2 Barry Allens.

I mean 2 Barry Allens, Alive at the same time!

Trying to escape, the Lightning Striking Barry-1 first means Barry-2 has all his powers transferred to him, But it took Days for Barry's powers to develop

....Until it isn't the case, and someone who hasn't the Emotional Maturity of seeing his stable life taken from him is now capable of Anything!

CASE IN POINT A MONTAGE TO SUPERGRASS WHERE HE PERFORMS SUPERD*CKERY TO NORMAL PEOPLE...UNTIL HE LOSES CONTROL THAT ENDS WITH A MOVING VAN OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENT CRASHING INTO AN OIL TANKER, WITH MUSICAL FLOURISHES OF THOSE INSTRUMENTS FLUNG IN THE AIR,ALL THE WHILE BARRY'S CLOTHES CATCH FIRE LEAVING HIM NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, HIS FLAMING UNDERPANTS THROWN INTO SPILLED OIL THAT LEADS TO A FIREWORKS FACTORY TO EXPLODE, THAT ENDS IN A CITY WIDE BLACKOUT!

THIS IS A REGULAR THURSDAY IN THE DC UNIVERSE!

So to Barry's Annoyance what took Months of training, Barry-2 can sus out with the Luck of Fools, like phasing through the floor of the flat naked and flashing a female Neighbour!

So it's time for the Training Arc where a Man who Matured (Somewhat) after losing it all has to train an Alternative of himself who never had it bad, But What is a Thing that will make this worse, Barry-1 never explains what happened to him!

After Barry-2 starts Complaining that the Flash's Supersuit is tight around his pelvis (except he didn't exactly say "Pelvis" if you catch my meaning!). This was the day General Zod invaded Earth and jammed Satellite frequencies. Flash tells Barry-2 that the Invasion of Metropolis was his first foray into hero-work...and the Biggest Failure of his life, when Zod Unleashed the World Engine to terra form the planet, the Flash could only save one child, as his fledging powers and homemade Suit worked against him. But if he gets the justice league together before the world Engine goes online it'll be a great help.

But In Barry2's Stoner pit Digs which he shares with People more annoying than him, Barry-1 finds via internet that Cyborg, Wonderwoman, and Aquaman's lives are altered from what Barry knows as evidenced when the Wastes of Oxygen tell them Michael J Fox didn't star in Back to the future in this timeline. But there is a Batman, as the disgusting Morons each Burp the "I'M BATMAN" LINE!

So both Barrys arrive at Wayne Manor, where everything looks above board, when they arrive the place has the door opened and the manor deserted like someone was in a hurry to leave, as they find a Single flip-flop and a pot of boiling water, But they are soon ambushed by a dishevelled man in one flip-flop with Kitchen Utensils. It is indeed Bruce Wayne, just not the Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) Barry knows!

Despite being a drunken Recluse, this Bruce Wayne is still the World's greatest Detective, Despite Being Older, than Barry-1's Batman he explains with Spaghetti he's making himself, hopefully in a way that even Barry-2 can get it, that Instead of making a branch in the time line by changing events in the Past, Barry's life instead has become the fulcrum of 2 intersecting timelines. And as Bruce empties boiled spaghetti in a bowl he says that The multiverse is like this bowl of pasta-certain Threads interlock via shared events while some are Different, which is why they knew he was Batman. Meanwhile Barry-2 is not getting any of this!

Barry-2 "OK, BUT WHAT DOES THE PARMASAN MEAN?"

Barry-1 "IT MEANS HIS DINNER IS READY, THE METAPHOR HAS BEING FINISHED FOR A WHILE!"

In this World without the Meta Storm, Gotham has become one of the safest cities in America. They are not prepared for Zod. Worst of all this Batman has not heard of Superman. And he passes on helping. 

It's just a blessing that the world didn't change the Entrance to the Bat-Cave.

Phasing through a well and letting Barry-1 in via the door, the Speedy Superpowered Simpleton starts exploring the Bat-Cave and touching  Batman's Stuff, While Barry-1 tries to find Clark Kent on the Bat-Computer. Annoyed by Barry-2's cavalier attitude, it's his remark of "yes, Mommy!" That sends Barry-1  over the edge, but the problem is he doesn't say "My Mom Died in my timeline!" When it just feels like, it's so simple to say!

As Barry-2 tuckers himself out from boredom, Barry-1 Notices the Camera and speaks to Bruce. Remembering the Spaghetti Analogy of intersecting timelines, while things are Different, some must have stayed the same like the Deaths of the Wayne family went to make a Batman. And the fact there is even Batman and a Flash to Face Zod, or try to, must be Fate. The Words reach him as he Scans his retinas through a Secret panel. It's time to Suit up and start the Bat-Plane, As the Bat Computer prints a readout that an Alien craft landed in Russia 50 years ago.

Breaking into a Secret Russian Military institution, Barry-2 knocks over a Shovel to alert the  guards. He moves Barry-1 out of the ways of bullets which causes him to Projectile Vomit, while this Awesome Batman fight scene is also Happening.

Like you are enjoying fine Dining next to an opening Sewer, the one Bad thing is ruining the Great thing that's happening.

They find the pod which has being untouched for 6 decades. And inside is not Kal-el, but a Girl weak without Sunlight but Alive, they Escape under a hail of Bullets batman blasts a non working lift by blasting grenades to launch them to the Surface. The bad news is that All 3 men are captured.

The Good news is it's morning....A Sunny Morning!

5 minutes of Solar Exposure and Supergirl has killed all around her and she passed out. Back in Wayne manor, Bruce picks Bullets from his body, as Both Ezra's Jabber back and Forth. Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle) regains consciousness and Demands Answers. When Barry fills her in, she says what we all know, That She was sent to Earth First, but her Pod went into Difficulty, but instead of her waking as a Teen-ager years after Clark Kent grew into a Man, she is seemingly the only Neutral Krytonian on Earth.

After so long being a Prisoner, when she was just a Refugee Child, Kara is understandably Jaded by Humanity and flies off when her Strength is regained. Knowing how Desperate Things now are Without a Kryptonian on side, Barry-1 tells Bruce he plans on recreating the accident again to regain his powers. Even telling Batman his Origin Story and how his Mother Died in his universe....as Barry-2 listens on without them knowing! 

Meanwhile, Zod makes Landfall as Kara looks on from a Distance. He and Elsa destroy a Battalion when Zod's demands for Kara is unmet! They turn to leave but Kara's utterance of "No!" Is picked up by the Super hearing of the villains, who turn to see her with their own telescopic sight. 

As a Storm brews over Gotham city, Barry-1 plans on repeating the Meta Storms to get his powers back. Bruce now helping him in his Combination of Ben Franklin and Victor Frankenstein!

Barry-1 gets electrocuted, but it's not enough, Kara returns, snaps off Barry's restraints, and flies his burnt body into the Heart of the Storm, shocked further to kick-start his healing factor to recover his powers. Barry-2 steals a Batsuit to paint his own Flash suit as he gives Barry-1 his suit back. Kara asks why did they rescue her, when they were convinced they where searching for this Mythic "Superman"? Barry answers because she needed rescuing. Barry reiterates that they are down a Cyborg, a Wonder Woman and an Aquaman. But they still need a Batman. So Bruce tells them "Let's Go Nuts!"

The 3 men are Flying in the Bat-Plane , Supergirl flying alongside. Barry is explaining the gameplan from the Future while Barry-2.....(Sigh!)..... Barry-2 is using his phone's camera to Downblo**e Supergirl! And Denies it when he gets caught.

Yes keep doing that to the being with Super hearing and the Super Strength and watch her take you like a pill, you are so tiny.

Engaging the Kryptonian Army means Barry has changed the invasion of Metropolis by not being there to save at least one child. The Army is 200 plus strong enemy, each one with the powers of Superman. Kara confronts Zod, only to learn the Infant Kal-el was Euth**ized to Power the World Engine. Only for Zod to learn the Knowledge crystals were implanted into Kara's mind, not her Cousin's. Making her DNA the final key to terra form Earth into a Second Krypton. 

Since the Batsuit is not designed to transfer Electrical Energy Safely, the Suit Starts to charge an Influx of Electricity. So Barry creates a makeshift Laser from it, that blows the Idiot back, until Barry tells him to use his hands to complete the circuit, which makes him look like he's doing a gang sign. They head into battle with the worst battle cry of "Come on Barbie.... Let's Go Party!"

As Batman and the Flashes hold their own, Zod plays possum and Stabs Kara to death. Meanwhile Bruce Kamikazes the Batplane to take out Non. Getting shell shocked, Barry-2 goes back in time with Barry-1 trailing behind him.

Changing the Future Flash tells Batman how to safely take out Non. Despite having a plan for the time in his life, Barry-2 can only watch to see Zod Stab Kara to death again. Batman Takes out Non with Grenades but he still Dies via explosion.

Barry-2 keeps Changing the past when Heroes Die, Each time Adding a New Knife that he has stole or is lodged into himself from engaging Zod, But it still results in Kara's and Bruce's Deaths. All it does is Bring what is dubbed by fans "Flashpoint" closer to this reality-a universal reset that will change reality, wars are lost, whole families are unborn and all because Flash makes a mistake!

Barry-1 confesses that he came back to save to his mother, only for Barry-2 to admit he heard him and Bruce. He tries to tell Barry-2 that Kara's and Bruce's Death are canon Events to this world whose time is now up because of the coming Flashpoint, the only way to undo is to break the Fulcum event, ie: Let Mom Die!

2 Doesn't take it well, His Voice Distorts with Rage, when Barry speeds to change the timeline again. he is replaced by the Reverse Flash, A Purple Suit Covered in Zod's Blades, many of them Rusted into his body in the Many attempts to save Kara, Barry Returns with new Blades Lodged in his body and blasts off the Helmet of the Villain, only to figure out it's him and he's being doing this for far too long, And the presence of 3 flashes here, is collapsing timelines, Giving us Horrible and Borderline Disrespectful A.I Art cameos of George and Christopher Reeves and Adam West.

And the Thank god it never happened reality of Nic Cage as Superman

By the way, before anyone asks-NO this is not THE Reverse Flash who Killed Nora, this is A Reverse Flash, Because as I said in the Blue Beetle review earlier this year, DC has the strange habit of thinking Sequels are a sure thing, And Will only break out Major villains for sequels. Also , I tell a lie-he's not even A Reverse Flash! According to the DC wiki he is "Dark Flash", a term that is never used in the film.

So because Reverse-Flash is Barry-2, he's a second flash created by the Paradox of him Pushing Barry-2 to create a second Flash, His plan is to Continue attempting to save Kara in a time loop, He failed but his Younger self can save everyone in the new timeline, that only he will remember the last! He goes to stab Barry-1, only for Barry-2 to interfere and gets killed, in turn killing Reverse Flash Via Grandfather Paradox.

What? Did you honestly think we were going to have the Flash have an epic Showdown in his own film?

*SNORTS*

Barry-2 final Words was to tell Mom he loves her, Disheartening given what he has to do next.

And so to Wrap It Up, Barry reverses the time-line back to normal, Putting the tomatoes out of his mothers shopping trolley, But Not before Striking up a conversation with Nora, as a total Stranger who tells her about his grief, Not recognizing her adult son, Nora hugs Barry before heading to the future without either parent for 20 years. He wakes in his flat and sees a beer from Iris and a Post-it Note wishing him luck at His Father's Hearing....A Hearing he is comically late for! Which he speeds to make a dramatic entry into the courthouse.

Barry Did change the future, while he was there, he can't change death, but he can change lives of the living, like using his speed to stack Canned Tomatoes from a Middle shelf to a top shelf, in turn causing Henry to look at the Store security camera on the night his wife died, thus Collaborating Barry's Evidence.

So In the end, Henry is Acquitted, Iris asks Barry out and everything seems back to normal...Until George Clooney walks out of Bruce Wayne's limo to pick Barry up and Barry's front tooth falls out! After the Credits we see a stinger of Barry trying to explain Multiverse theory to a plastered Arthur "Aquaman" Curry (Jason Momoa), who's more tickled while pickled, that he was a Jack Russell in a different Universe!

THIS FILM SUCKS, EVEN WITH THE GOOD WILL OF CAMEOS AND RESPECT TO THE CORE STORY!

But this film was pulled from cinemas due to the Backlash of it's "Star" Ezra Miller and even then he's overshadowed by the return of Michael Keaton as Batman and a Very different take on Supergirl, Filling the role of her more famous cousin by a very intense Sasha Calle. Even the Time travel effects like shows the concept of the entirety of Time as a Spinning Zoetrope is a Neat effect and Nifty Story Device

The Problem is you Can't hang your Hat on Miller's Performance, Either as the Retentive Barry-1 or the irritating Barry-2 (They really had the stones to Write a Joke about an 18 year old Barry-2 Leering over the Body of a Canonical 16-year old in terms of story, given what was publicly written about Ezra at the time!) in fact, all the attempts at Comedy seemed off, But that pales in the reveal of the posthumous Cameos, Which, I'm Sure DC had permission of the families and Estates Involved to do so, But it's the Quality of how they look, they look like they were drawn by Neural Love!

The Villains are weak too, Zod gets a paragraph of Lines, Elsa gets none and Non is CGI. (And yes in Man of Steel, They are not ACTUALLY! Elsa and Non, they have different Names, But they are so similar and their names so forgettable, they might as well Be!) Reverse Flash is hyped and even he is a disappointment, dying 5 minutes after his reveal.

In the end people may ask what would things be like if they just gave the cast from the low-budget TV Show The movie rights?  Would it succeed? Or would it have still tanked? Who's to say? But sadly we are stuck on this timeline with this film!

CREDITS

The Flash was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)

With Media used from:

The Flash

Dc Comics

BBC Earth

Letterkenny

All Rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.

The Flash is property of DC Comics, with The film Produced by Warner Bros.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....

Former Big time tv Star? Check!

Terrible Cgi? check!

Shoestring Budget? Check!

It's The Halloween Special! We have the very worst of The freeview Horror and Sci-Fi channels, As Dawson is up another Creek, as James Van Der Beek, looks into The Eye Of The Beast!

AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF THE STORYLINE.

The 2 Deaths of E Chapter Four: Behold the Sephiroth, Behold the Appraisers of Will!

Eamonn, was continuously led by his kidnappers, The Plague Doctor Just known as Herr Doktor, and shockingly, Death Himself! Both are seemingly Working as Bounty Hunters for a new extra-dimensional Threat, the Appraisers of Will, masters of the Pocket Dimension of The Literal Grey Area, the place where the forgotten thought acuminate. Some times, as Is the case here, whole beings are forgotten. 

The Gasmasked Kidnapper has leaded the party with some kind of Device, that measured memories lost, as the Dimension they were in was nothing more than an existence on a plain adjacent to reality. It pained Eamonn to see Humans who may help him in some way pass him.

Ah, and ve are now here, said the Doktor, pointing to a darkness more warped than the greys they had seen. He pressed a few buttons on his device. And a door opened. They jostled Eamonn in and they followed suit, Death's Pistols still aimed on the Human's Back. 

The world blurred into a solid pitch blackness, the only colours from the 3 humanoids who entered. Soon they were joined by 10 Lights in the Distance 2 Lines of 5 dots on each side of the peripheral, that sped to met each on the horizon, only for the 2 middle dots to speed towards Eamonn, the 2 next paired up Only to do the next thing, until he was surrounded. They are Moving using a rail System, Eamonn Realised As soon the 10 Robotic Cabinets Surrounded him. Each front had a Roman Numeral And a Jewish Word which served as the Appraisers names, in each glass chamber was an Item of Great Importance Pertaining to the name.

The First 2 that approached him were 10 and 9, 10 was a throne and was named "Malkuth"-Kingdom next was 9-Yesod- "Foundation" and his treasure was a brick, supposedly from a cathedral, from the world he came from.

Next pair was Hod- "Splendour" the 8th canister held a gilded Vestige from some lost religion, and 7 Was Netzach, the word for victory, held a sword, his carrier was Different as it was built with panels that revealed Weaponry.

Flanking each Arm was 6 and 5. 6 was Tiferet, meaning Glory and it's treasure was a Parchment. 5 was Geveruh "Disciple" and it's treasure wasn't even one you couldn't Debate, as it was a teacher's Metre-stick one that was bent and Splintered from years of Abuse. The sight of that kind of gave Eamonn Second Hand Ptsd from stories he heard.

In front of him was 4,2,1 and 3 from left to right, he would learn that 3 and 4 were the only psyches from the treasures powered by the canisters that Identified as Females, and spoke in Female Voices while the others spoke in a robotic tone, and took advisory roles for the group. 4 was Chesed "Kindness"-her treasure was the Most twisted of all as floating in some kind of preserving liquid was an Umbilical Cord! She would Boast it was the first Sapient Humanoid, but how would that be possible? were these consciousness truly from the treasures, Or was there a Man behind the curtain to these Appraisers Of Will? 3 was Binah "Understanding" in her cabinet was a yellowing Scroll with Tora written on the outside and Tied with a once white ropes, blackened with dirt and age.

And Finally in front of their Prisoner, finished in Gold and Platinum, was 2, Chokmah "Wisdom, who carried a bible, and finally 1, The Leader of the group. Keter "The Crown" which was the same item held within his Canister.

"OH GOODLY, AN OTHERWORLDLY ALIEN THREAT WHO THINK THEY ARE GOD'S AND THERE'S 10 OF YOU, HEY! THE DALEKS CALLED, THEY SAID YOU'LL HEAR FROM THEIR LAWYERS!"

"I,-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK: "Welcome, Human Happening, To the Grey Area"

I-KETER-WILL-SPEAK: Yes, Welcome Human Happening, You are a very Special Creature indeed, You are the last of your concept, a Writer on the Internet, a dying concept, being Eroded in time, and that's why you are primed from Extinction.

I-CHOKMAH-WILL-SPEAK: "And we will cater to your Needs, until the end, Happening, but you will not be alone.

"...Because I have all of you?" Yeah, Sorry, I don't play well with others! and Neither do you if  I'm stuck playing cards til the end of time with things with no hands, also this one has a Umbilical cord In her, Sorry Luv, I think you are a little too forward in showing me that!"

I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: "HOW DARE YOU, HUMAN! SPEAK TO US IN SUCH A...

KETER: OVERULES TIFERET: "Silence, Tiferet!"

I-KETER WILL SPEAK: "we will be here but you are not will not leave, just as we can't Do you not realise where we are? And what we are?

That's when Eamonn, Truly looked around and not on the floor that was Rigged to manoeuvre the Mechanical Cases, he was not in a Giant Clock. he saw Dioramas of Aztec and Inca life. He saw the Actual "Little Red Bus" the Amelia Earhart plane hanging from the ceiling, under class was Sunken Pirate treasure, a whole wall for odd Socks! Thing's believed to be lost to time...

because they were....

"I am in a Museum....For things forgotten," He said Sombrely

I-KETER-WILL SPEAK: "Indeed, and you be an exhibition here until your demise, We will be your tenders, your co-workers and your caseworkers.

"Caseworkers?"

I-HOD-WILL SPEAK: "If a creature becomes aware of our duties, We must personally appraise the creatures worth. And see if we can continue to give him the will to continue!"

So the Artifacts at the museum Curate themselves? Isn't that like the Inmates Running the Asylum?

I won't be here for long, even if you stop me, i will be rescued!

NO YOU WON'T

All ten said that, it must have being something they all agreed on saying!

To get here you had to be Forgotten, to leave here you have to be remembered, You have No-one in your Universe who can help.

Meanwhile, in Earth-1's Hell...

"SO THAT'S WHERE HE IS! THOSE FISHTANK PEND*JOS HAVE HIM! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT IMMA COMING!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E WILL CONTINUE IN NOVEMBER!