Eamonn Reviews the Flash

 The last couple of years has not being kind to DC Comics Films.

Wonder woman 1984 was a Disaster, one that didn't understand the Origins of what is considered Diana Prince's rival Villain, Cheetah. 

Aquaman had Amber Heard in it, and from the quality of line Delivery, she had a Film Hand hanging mid-air, or in the water with her holding an Idiot Card. 

Black Adam would have being better if it wasn't for the Sabotage by its own Star, Rock "The Dwayne" and his Bottle Filling Johnson! And one day the amount of damage Johnson did, deserves its own Discussion.

Today we are Discussing a Film that was Sabotaged long before it's Star would get his own film, when they announced Ezra Miller was Still starring as the Flash after Justice League. 

If Ezra Miller was Anything Before being A Wuss who Threw chairs at Women, he sure as hell won't be Anything after this film.

Ezra has being nothing but a Weirdo and a liability. He's gone on Spates of wild Behaviour, causing assaults and bar fights, including throwing a chair at a waitress in an unprovoked attack that left her scarred.

And those are the Things I can talk about without Google putting this review behind a warning,  I can't go into the Full Details of that whole mess with Ezra and Tokata Iron Eyes, During the Filming of Fantastic Beasts, but that points to something a lot worse!

But with that Said, let's dig into The Flash.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12. HOWEVER THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND. CERTAIN WORDS HAD TO BE CENSORED TO MAKE THIS REVIEW ADHERE TO GOOGLE STANDARDS. THIS FILM CONTAINS INNUENDO AND DESCRIPTIONS OF MURDER. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

The logo pushes the Cover art Down, taking up A Third of space and even then it feels Empty. On top we have the only thing that caused any buzz for this film: the Return of Michael Keaton as Batman. Beside his head and the Batplane, Sasha Calle makes her DC Comics Films debut as Supergirl and it looks like they painted The Suit on her and she's giving all the men the stink-eye for staring.

Put Down in the Bottom is Ezra Miller, and for all the Stuff he has Done, he should be Put Down.

We Open in a Deli in Coast City aka DC's Not-Boston. As Nervous and Socially Awkward crime Scene Technician Dr Barry Allen aka the Flash tries to order his Specific Usual, A Hi carb Version of the PB&J. 

BACKSTORY!

It's common Knowledge that Superheroes need weaknesses for their stories to work. Superman has Kryptonite, Green lantern has the Yellow light of Fear, Storm has Claustrophobia. But the Flash's weakness is one shared by the Fastest thing on Earth. 

Hummingbirds spend 85% plus of their waking lives eating nectar, so as such Barry's Super speed Powers has made His Metabolism Astronomically High.

It's just a Shame he's being served by the Biggest Dou***est Do***bag who ever D****ed!

So Barry gets a Phone-call from All People, Alfred Pennyworth, Butler for the Goddam Batman. He tells Barry there is a Hospital Robbery in Gotham and he wants him to kindly deal with it. Naturally Batman and Superman are Busy and They Telegraph The Wonder Woman Cameo Early, so No dice on help.

So Barry says Screw it, goes into the Bathroom, and transforms into the Flash where he is recognized by Fans. Usually he'd go on his merry way, but he's Hungry and his powers are tied to metabolism. So he sees one fan holding chocolate. "Give me your Candy bar in the name of justice!" ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!

 As Alfred Berates him over his intercom in his helmet, Barry can't even enjoy the Non Descript Candy bar that Beans off his head.

And so he speeds off with some of the most Awkward looking 360 Degree Running, I know they wanted an Actor who's Body was Slender to pull off how an Athlete would run, but there is just something fake about How Ezra pumps his knees and bends his Elbows.

So the Flash Arrives in Gotham, as an Earthquake breaks Ground under a Hospital, where a Gang had just Gotten away with a Briefcase Full of Vials that contain viruses. While Batman is in Pursuit, Flash is on Rescue and Clean-up Duty, repairing Electrical and Gas Lines that were damaged.

And here we see the main problem with this film.

The Flash is a Whiney Little B***h!

No Kidding- Barry Spends all this scene complaining with his Voice Breaking at times that he's treated as the "Justice League Janitor"

Meanwhile the Real Action with Batman (Ben Affleck) chasing after the armoured car with the Bat-Cycle , he Shoots a Bat Spike trap at the Road In front of the Car, but they Start Blasting at the Caped Crusader.

Back with our hero ignores Alfred's Warning about the Hospital's Maternity wing Collapsing to complain about his lack of breakfast, So Naturally the Wing Crumbles as a Midwife and a whole Floor of New-borns Fall from the Sky, and the So called Comedy writers have the Nerve to have Flash say "Now That's what I call A Baby Shower"

Tapping into the Speed Force, the Pocket Dimension that lets him move in Planck Time, and turns the World Orange like the world was filmed in the Mexico Filter, the Flash does his best to save the day....but the first thing he does is smash a vending machine and gorge on the Stolen goods inside.

Usually I wouldn't say "OUR HERO, EVERYONE!" When our hero is actually put upon, but since this film had succeeded in assassinating Barry Allen's character- OUR HERO, EVERYONE!

Properly powered up, Allen uses A microwave and a Guerny to Rescue the Babies and the midwife. The microwave which had a Burrito he ate and stole, is where he puts a baby in. When time resumes, the microwave dings and he reveals the baby, no doubt suffering internal injuries from being stuffed in a working microwave!

Batman continues his pursuit, but the driver see Batman and Peaces out when the Dark knight attacks the other thieves, causing the armoured car to crash into a bridge and it results in Batman and the remaining thief to dangle over the river, with the Briefcase opening. Alfred stating that if at least one vial reacts with water, thousands will die by midday.

But wouldn't you know who won the pony? But Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) makes a cameo, rescuing Bats and the Thief with the lasso of truth. Flash has arrived and makes Goo-goo eyes at Wondie, as Batman can't stop talking about his Psychosis because of the Lasso of Truth. Flash tries to unravel Bats, but when he touches the lasso, he bursts out that he's a virgin.

Keep that Humiliation Train chugging down the line!

Finally getting his breakfast, Barry heads to work late, as his Boss, (British comedian Sanjeev Bhaskar) Berates him for being late and causing a backlog of cases, which makes Barry the Butt of the joke when his colleagues show that the boss has to do a press conference. Causing him to rant that investigation work is the only thing that shouldn't be Rushed.... says the man with super speed.

That's when Reporter Iris West, Barry's childhood sweetheart, breaks from the Press Gang and Barry loses the sense to form a sentence. Pushing away his equally Do**hey Friends to catch up with Iris.

Assuming you are reading this without ever reading A Flash comic or watched the TV show, Iris gives us exposition. Barry's Father is in jail for the murder of his wife under mysterious circumstances. That being his wife killed in a fight between A Future Flash and the Reverse Flash, This Event is what drove Barry to Forensics: in an attempt to clear his father's name.

When Barry returns home he finds a large Envelope from Wayne industries. The contents are a firestick and A note with 2 words written. "I'm sorry". Having his weekly phone call with his father, Barry examines the file on the firestick, and while it confirms Henry Allen was shopping that night, he never once looked up at the camera, so it's not conclusive evidence. But Henry doesn't want his son to waste the rest of his life trying to save him.

They go into a Flashback about Mrs Allen, but it only proves one thing.

Barry never Grew out of being a Petulant Brat!

Apparently, Nora Allen was Italian. On the day of her death, she had asked Henry to go for the store for Canned Tomatoes.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DETAILS OF MURDER

When Henry returned, He finds his wife stabbed with a knife. And that's how the flashback ends, with Henry reiterating to his son he doesn't want him to throw his life away for him. 

This makes Flash so Angry that he just runs so hard, that he reverses time. He explains this to Bruce, after reliving the day in A Groundhog day loop. Bruce Doesn't believe a word. He does, however, warn Barry that using this power will cause a Ripple effect that will change everything. When Bruce makes his leave, Iris Arrives to reminisce with Barry.

After some sad attempts at Comedy (Using Super Speed to clean a Dirty flat only for all the rubbish to fall out of a Wardrobe, or stealing Beers from a neighbours fridge by phasing through walls!) She says the exact same thing Henry did, but now Barry is more Adamant than ever to try and change the past to save his mother, without anyone seeing him, perhaps adding The Tomatoes means, Henry would not have a reason to leave the House.

In the Past flash uses his Sunny Delight Slow Mo powers to slip Tomatoes in Mrs Allen's Shopping Basket. As he runs forward to the Present, he sees new memories of the childhood he would have had, that is until a Second speedster, one with a glowing Skull Mask and Purple Tron lines and spiked Shoulder pads, kicks Barry into an unknown time.

After Pantsing an old man with his powers for a change of clothes, Barry enters his Childhood home and sees a Woman in the kitchen, with her back turned, she turns and it's Nora Allen. He hugs her and tells her he loves her.

As Barry Enthusiastically wolves down his Mother's Pasta. Something is off though, when his parents ask about "school" and not "work". It's when he Sees A Doppelganger coming this way and Stops him , under the Guise of a mugger using y-fronts as  a mask, ask the second Barry how old he is. The 18 year old Barry ( who I will call Barry-2) thinks it's all "So Trippy Dude!"

This Dialogue Is So Trippy, Dude!

So, what's more Irritating than One Ezra Miller? A Second Ezra Miller Doing a Dude-Bro Stoner Voice! He even has this annoying laugh that sounds like a Engine Trying to start. So Barry-1 is stuck in the Past being blackmailed by the only person he should trust-Himself!

So Barry is like "Screw This! I Can't have myself destroy the Timeline, who ever heard of the Flash Destroying existence for everyone else, JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER AFTER A MISTAKE I MADE?"

HEH...HEH..HEH (SIGH!)

So Barry opts to punch his Past self to make him Forget! It doesn't work and all it does is dislodge a front tooth, one that they glue back in place.

PLOT POINT!

Line up and take a Number, Ezra! Everyone wants to punch you!

...That is until he learns that today is the day Barry Got his Powers. Both Barrys have to recreate the origin story or Barry-1 gets Overwritten out of Existence!

So with Mom No Longer Dead, this New Barry Had No reason to Intern at Star Labs. So they have Break into Star Labs, or Barry-1 gets Nuked out of Reality. But he argues with himself in the chemical lab, as he Waited until NOW! to tell his past self his powers came from being electrocuted and covered in chemicals. This causes Barry-1 To be struck by Lightning and have that lightning passed through Barry-2. Those this Mean we have 2 Flashes?

Bad Choice of Words, I mean 2 Barry Allens.

I mean 2 Barry Allens, Alive at the same time!

Trying to escape, the Lightning Striking Barry-1 first means Barry-2 has all his powers transferred to him, But it took Days for Barry's powers to develop

....Until it isn't the case, and someone who hasn't the Emotional Maturity of seeing his stable life taken from him is now capable of Anything!

CASE IN POINT A MONTAGE TO SUPERGRASS WHERE HE PERFORMS SUPERD*CKERY TO NORMAL PEOPLE...UNTIL HE LOSES CONTROL THAT ENDS WITH A MOVING VAN OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENT CRASHING INTO AN OIL TANKER, WITH MUSICAL FLOURISHES OF THOSE INSTRUMENTS FLUNG IN THE AIR,ALL THE WHILE BARRY'S CLOTHES CATCH FIRE LEAVING HIM NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, HIS FLAMING UNDERPANTS THROWN INTO SPILLED OIL THAT LEADS TO A FIREWORKS FACTORY TO EXPLODE, THAT ENDS IN A CITY WIDE BLACKOUT!

THIS IS A REGULAR THURSDAY IN THE DC UNIVERSE!

So to Barry's Annoyance what took Months of training, Barry-2 can sus out with the Luck of Fools, like phasing through the floor of the flat naked and flashing a female Neighbour!

So it's time for the Training Arc where a Man who Matured (Somewhat) after losing it all has to train an Alternative of himself who never had it bad, But What is a Thing that will make this worse, Barry-1 never explains what happened to him!

After Barry-2 starts Complaining that the Flash's Supersuit is tight around his pelvis (except he didn't exactly say "Pelvis" if you catch my meaning!). This was the day General Zod invaded Earth and jammed Satellite frequencies. Flash tells Barry-2 that the Invasion of Metropolis was his first foray into hero-work...and the Biggest Failure of his life, when Zod Unleashed the World Engine to terra form the planet, the Flash could only save one child, as his fledging powers and homemade Suit worked against him. But if he gets the justice league together before the world Engine goes online it'll be a great help.

But In Barry2's Stoner pit Digs which he shares with People more annoying than him, Barry-1 finds via internet that Cyborg, Wonderwoman, and Aquaman's lives are altered from what Barry knows as evidenced when the Wastes of Oxygen tell them Michael J Fox didn't star in Back to the future in this timeline. But there is a Batman, as the disgusting Morons each Burp the "I'M BATMAN" LINE!

So both Barrys arrive at Wayne Manor, where everything looks above board, when they arrive the place has the door opened and the manor deserted like someone was in a hurry to leave, as they find a Single flip-flop and a pot of boiling water, But they are soon ambushed by a dishevelled man in one flip-flop with Kitchen Utensils. It is indeed Bruce Wayne, just not the Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) Barry knows!

Despite being a drunken Recluse, this Bruce Wayne is still the World's greatest Detective, Despite Being Older, than Barry-1's Batman he explains with Spaghetti he's making himself, hopefully in a way that even Barry-2 can get it, that Instead of making a branch in the time line by changing events in the Past, Barry's life instead has become the fulcrum of 2 intersecting timelines. And as Bruce empties boiled spaghetti in a bowl he says that The multiverse is like this bowl of pasta-certain Threads interlock via shared events while some are Different, which is why they knew he was Batman. Meanwhile Barry-2 is not getting any of this!

Barry-2 "OK, BUT WHAT DOES THE PARMASAN MEAN?"

Barry-1 "IT MEANS HIS DINNER IS READY, THE METAPHOR HAS BEING FINISHED FOR A WHILE!"

In this World without the Meta Storm, Gotham has become one of the safest cities in America. They are not prepared for Zod. Worst of all this Batman has not heard of Superman. And he passes on helping. 

It's just a blessing that the world didn't change the Entrance to the Bat-Cave.

Phasing through a well and letting Barry-1 in via the door, the Speedy Superpowered Simpleton starts exploring the Bat-Cave and touching  Batman's Stuff, While Barry-1 tries to find Clark Kent on the Bat-Computer. Annoyed by Barry-2's cavalier attitude, it's his remark of "yes, Mommy!" That sends Barry-1  over the edge, but the problem is he doesn't say "My Mom Died in my timeline!" When it just feels like, it's so simple to say!

As Barry-2 tuckers himself out from boredom, Barry-1 Notices the Camera and speaks to Bruce. Remembering the Spaghetti Analogy of intersecting timelines, while things are Different, some must have stayed the same like the Deaths of the Wayne family went to make a Batman. And the fact there is even Batman and a Flash to Face Zod, or try to, must be Fate. The Words reach him as he Scans his retinas through a Secret panel. It's time to Suit up and start the Bat-Plane, As the Bat Computer prints a readout that an Alien craft landed in Russia 50 years ago.

Breaking into a Secret Russian Military institution, Barry-2 knocks over a Shovel to alert the  guards. He moves Barry-1 out of the ways of bullets which causes him to Projectile Vomit, while this Awesome Batman fight scene is also Happening.

Like you are enjoying fine Dining next to an opening Sewer, the one Bad thing is ruining the Great thing that's happening.

They find the pod which has being untouched for 6 decades. And inside is not Kal-el, but a Girl weak without Sunlight but Alive, they Escape under a hail of Bullets batman blasts a non working lift by blasting grenades to launch them to the Surface. The bad news is that All 3 men are captured.

The Good news is it's morning....A Sunny Morning!

5 minutes of Solar Exposure and Supergirl has killed all around her and she passed out. Back in Wayne manor, Bruce picks Bullets from his body, as Both Ezra's Jabber back and Forth. Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle) regains consciousness and Demands Answers. When Barry fills her in, she says what we all know, That She was sent to Earth First, but her Pod went into Difficulty, but instead of her waking as a Teen-ager years after Clark Kent grew into a Man, she is seemingly the only Neutral Krytonian on Earth.

After so long being a Prisoner, when she was just a Refugee Child, Kara is understandably Jaded by Humanity and flies off when her Strength is regained. Knowing how Desperate Things now are Without a Kryptonian on side, Barry-1 tells Bruce he plans on recreating the accident again to regain his powers. Even telling Batman his Origin Story and how his Mother Died in his universe....as Barry-2 listens on without them knowing! 

Meanwhile, Zod makes Landfall as Kara looks on from a Distance. He and Elsa destroy a Battalion when Zod's demands for Kara is unmet! They turn to leave but Kara's utterance of "No!" Is picked up by the Super hearing of the villains, who turn to see her with their own telescopic sight. 

As a Storm brews over Gotham city, Barry-1 plans on repeating the Meta Storms to get his powers back. Bruce now helping him in his Combination of Ben Franklin and Victor Frankenstein!

Barry-1 gets electrocuted, but it's not enough, Kara returns, snaps off Barry's restraints, and flies his burnt body into the Heart of the Storm, shocked further to kick-start his healing factor to recover his powers. Barry-2 steals a Batsuit to paint his own Flash suit as he gives Barry-1 his suit back. Kara asks why did they rescue her, when they were convinced they where searching for this Mythic "Superman"? Barry answers because she needed rescuing. Barry reiterates that they are down a Cyborg, a Wonder Woman and an Aquaman. But they still need a Batman. So Bruce tells them "Let's Go Nuts!"

The 3 men are Flying in the Bat-Plane , Supergirl flying alongside. Barry is explaining the gameplan from the Future while Barry-2.....(Sigh!)..... Barry-2 is using his phone's camera to Downblo**e Supergirl! And Denies it when he gets caught.

Yes keep doing that to the being with Super hearing and the Super Strength and watch her take you like a pill, you are so tiny.

Engaging the Kryptonian Army means Barry has changed the invasion of Metropolis by not being there to save at least one child. The Army is 200 plus strong enemy, each one with the powers of Superman. Kara confronts Zod, only to learn the Infant Kal-el was Euth**ized to Power the World Engine. Only for Zod to learn the Knowledge crystals were implanted into Kara's mind, not her Cousin's. Making her DNA the final key to terra form Earth into a Second Krypton. 

Since the Batsuit is not designed to transfer Electrical Energy Safely, the Suit Starts to charge an Influx of Electricity. So Barry creates a makeshift Laser from it, that blows the Idiot back, until Barry tells him to use his hands to complete the circuit, which makes him look like he's doing a gang sign. They head into battle with the worst battle cry of "Come on Barbie.... Let's Go Party!"

As Batman and the Flashes hold their own, Zod plays possum and Stabs Kara to death. Meanwhile Bruce Kamikazes the Batplane to take out Non. Getting shell shocked, Barry-2 goes back in time with Barry-1 trailing behind him.

Changing the Future Flash tells Batman how to safely take out Non. Despite having a plan for the time in his life, Barry-2 can only watch to see Zod Stab Kara to death again. Batman Takes out Non with Grenades but he still Dies via explosion.

Barry-2 keeps Changing the past when Heroes Die, Each time Adding a New Knife that he has stole or is lodged into himself from engaging Zod, But it still results in Kara's and Bruce's Deaths. All it does is Bring what is dubbed by fans "Flashpoint" closer to this reality-a universal reset that will change reality, wars are lost, whole families are unborn and all because Flash makes a mistake!

Barry-1 confesses that he came back to save to his mother, only for Barry-2 to admit he heard him and Bruce. He tries to tell Barry-2 that Kara's and Bruce's Death are canon Events to this world whose time is now up because of the coming Flashpoint, the only way to undo is to break the Fulcum event, ie: Let Mom Die!

2 Doesn't take it well, His Voice Distorts with Rage, when Barry speeds to change the timeline again. he is replaced by the Reverse Flash, A Purple Suit Covered in Zod's Blades, many of them Rusted into his body in the Many attempts to save Kara, Barry Returns with new Blades Lodged in his body and blasts off the Helmet of the Villain, only to figure out it's him and he's being doing this for far too long, And the presence of 3 flashes here, is collapsing timelines, Giving us Horrible and Borderline Disrespectful A.I Art cameos of George and Christopher Reeves and Adam West.

And the Thank god it never happened reality of Nic Cage as Superman

By the way, before anyone asks-NO this is not THE Reverse Flash who Killed Nora, this is A Reverse Flash, Because as I said in the Blue Beetle review earlier this year, DC has the strange habit of thinking Sequels are a sure thing, And Will only break out Major villains for sequels. Also , I tell a lie-he's not even A Reverse Flash! According to the DC wiki he is "Dark Flash", a term that is never used in the film.

So because Reverse-Flash is Barry-2, he's a second flash created by the Paradox of him Pushing Barry-2 to create a second Flash, His plan is to Continue attempting to save Kara in a time loop, He failed but his Younger self can save everyone in the new timeline, that only he will remember the last! He goes to stab Barry-1, only for Barry-2 to interfere and gets killed, in turn killing Reverse Flash Via Grandfather Paradox.

What? Did you honestly think we were going to have the Flash have an epic Showdown in his own film?

*SNORTS*

Barry-2 final Words was to tell Mom he loves her, Disheartening given what he has to do next.

And so to Wrap It Up, Barry reverses the time-line back to normal, Putting the tomatoes out of his mothers shopping trolley, But Not before Striking up a conversation with Nora, as a total Stranger who tells her about his grief, Not recognizing her adult son, Nora hugs Barry before heading to the future without either parent for 20 years. He wakes in his flat and sees a beer from Iris and a Post-it Note wishing him luck at His Father's Hearing....A Hearing he is comically late for! Which he speeds to make a dramatic entry into the courthouse.

Barry Did change the future, while he was there, he can't change death, but he can change lives of the living, like using his speed to stack Canned Tomatoes from a Middle shelf to a top shelf, in turn causing Henry to look at the Store security camera on the night his wife died, thus Collaborating Barry's Evidence.

So In the end, Henry is Acquitted, Iris asks Barry out and everything seems back to normal...Until George Clooney walks out of Bruce Wayne's limo to pick Barry up and Barry's front tooth falls out! After the Credits we see a stinger of Barry trying to explain Multiverse theory to a plastered Arthur "Aquaman" Curry (Jason Momoa), who's more tickled while pickled, that he was a Jack Russell in a different Universe!

THIS FILM SUCKS, EVEN WITH THE GOOD WILL OF CAMEOS AND RESPECT TO THE CORE STORY!

But this film was pulled from cinemas due to the Backlash of it's "Star" Ezra Miller and even then he's overshadowed by the return of Michael Keaton as Batman and a Very different take on Supergirl, Filling the role of her more famous cousin by a very intense Sasha Calle. Even the Time travel effects like shows the concept of the entirety of Time as a Spinning Zoetrope is a Neat effect and Nifty Story Device

The Problem is you Can't hang your Hat on Miller's Performance, Either as the Retentive Barry-1 or the irritating Barry-2 (They really had the stones to Write a Joke about an 18 year old Barry-2 Leering over the Body of a Canonical 16-year old in terms of story, given what was publicly written about Ezra at the time!) in fact, all the attempts at Comedy seemed off, But that pales in the reveal of the posthumous Cameos, Which, I'm Sure DC had permission of the families and Estates Involved to do so, But it's the Quality of how they look, they look like they were drawn by Neural Love!

The Villains are weak too, Zod gets a paragraph of Lines, Elsa gets none and Non is CGI. (And yes in Man of Steel, They are not ACTUALLY! Elsa and Non, they have different Names, But they are so similar and their names so forgettable, they might as well Be!) Reverse Flash is hyped and even he is a disappointment, dying 5 minutes after his reveal.

In the end people may ask what would things be like if they just gave the cast from the low-budget TV Show The movie rights?  Would it succeed? Or would it have still tanked? Who's to say? But sadly we are stuck on this timeline with this film!

CREDITS

The Flash was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)

With Media used from:

The Flash

Dc Comics

BBC Earth

Letterkenny

All Rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.

The Flash is property of DC Comics, with The film Produced by Warner Bros.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....

Former Big time tv Star? Check!

Terrible Cgi? check!

Shoestring Budget? Check!

It's The Halloween Special! We have the very worst of The freeview Horror and Sci-Fi channels, As Dawson is up another Creek, as James Van Der Beek, looks into The Eye Of The Beast!

AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF THE STORYLINE.

The 2 Deaths of E Chapter Four: Behold the Sephiroth, Behold the Appraisers of Will!

Eamonn, was continuously led by his kidnappers, The Plague Doctor Just known as Herr Doktor, and shockingly, Death Himself! Both are seemingly Working as Bounty Hunters for a new extra-dimensional Threat, the Appraisers of Will, masters of the Pocket Dimension of The Literal Grey Area, the place where the forgotten thought acuminate. Some times, as Is the case here, whole beings are forgotten. 

The Gasmasked Kidnapper has leaded the party with some kind of Device, that measured memories lost, as the Dimension they were in was nothing more than an existence on a plain adjacent to reality. It pained Eamonn to see Humans who may help him in some way pass him.

Ah, and ve are now here, said the Doktor, pointing to a darkness more warped than the greys they had seen. He pressed a few buttons on his device. And a door opened. They jostled Eamonn in and they followed suit, Death's Pistols still aimed on the Human's Back. 

The world blurred into a solid pitch blackness, the only colours from the 3 humanoids who entered. Soon they were joined by 10 Lights in the Distance 2 Lines of 5 dots on each side of the peripheral, that sped to met each on the horizon, only for the 2 middle dots to speed towards Eamonn, the 2 next paired up Only to do the next thing, until he was surrounded. They are Moving using a rail System, Eamonn Realised As soon the 10 Robotic Cabinets Surrounded him. Each front had a Roman Numeral And a Jewish Word which served as the Appraisers names, in each glass chamber was an Item of Great Importance Pertaining to the name.

The First 2 that approached him were 10 and 9, 10 was a throne and was named "Malkuth"-Kingdom next was 9-Yesod- "Foundation" and his treasure was a brick, supposedly from a cathedral, from the world he came from.

Next pair was Hod- "Splendour" the 8th canister held a gilded Vestige from some lost religion, and 7 Was Netzach, the word for victory, held a sword, his carrier was Different as it was built with panels that revealed Weaponry.

Flanking each Arm was 6 and 5. 6 was Tiferet, meaning Glory and it's treasure was a Parchment. 5 was Geveruh "Disciple" and it's treasure wasn't even one you couldn't Debate, as it was a teacher's Metre-stick one that was bent and Splintered from years of Abuse. The sight of that kind of gave Eamonn Second Hand Ptsd from stories he heard.

In front of him was 4,2,1 and 3 from left to right, he would learn that 3 and 4 were the only psyches from the treasures powered by the canisters that Identified as Females, and spoke in Female Voices while the others spoke in a robotic tone, and took advisory roles for the group. 4 was Chesed "Kindness"-her treasure was the Most twisted of all as floating in some kind of preserving liquid was an Umbilical Cord! She would Boast it was the first Sapient Humanoid, but how would that be possible? were these consciousness truly from the treasures, Or was there a Man behind the curtain to these Appraisers Of Will? 3 was Binah "Understanding" in her cabinet was a yellowing Scroll with Tora written on the outside and Tied with a once white ropes, blackened with dirt and age.

And Finally in front of their Prisoner, finished in Gold and Platinum, was 2, Chokmah "Wisdom, who carried a bible, and finally 1, The Leader of the group. Keter "The Crown" which was the same item held within his Canister.

"OH GOODLY, AN OTHERWORLDLY ALIEN THREAT WHO THINK THEY ARE GOD'S AND THERE'S 10 OF YOU, HEY! THE DALEKS CALLED, THEY SAID YOU'LL HEAR FROM THEIR LAWYERS!"

"I,-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK: "Welcome, Human Happening, To the Grey Area"

I-KETER-WILL-SPEAK: Yes, Welcome Human Happening, You are a very Special Creature indeed, You are the last of your concept, a Writer on the Internet, a dying concept, being Eroded in time, and that's why you are primed from Extinction.

I-CHOKMAH-WILL-SPEAK: "And we will cater to your Needs, until the end, Happening, but you will not be alone.

"...Because I have all of you?" Yeah, Sorry, I don't play well with others! and Neither do you if  I'm stuck playing cards til the end of time with things with no hands, also this one has a Umbilical cord In her, Sorry Luv, I think you are a little too forward in showing me that!"

I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: "HOW DARE YOU, HUMAN! SPEAK TO US IN SUCH A...

KETER: OVERULES TIFERET: "Silence, Tiferet!"

I-KETER WILL SPEAK: "we will be here but you are not will not leave, just as we can't Do you not realise where we are? And what we are?

That's when Eamonn, Truly looked around and not on the floor that was Rigged to manoeuvre the Mechanical Cases, he was not in a Giant Clock. he saw Dioramas of Aztec and Inca life. He saw the Actual "Little Red Bus" the Amelia Earhart plane hanging from the ceiling, under class was Sunken Pirate treasure, a whole wall for odd Socks! Thing's believed to be lost to time...

because they were....

"I am in a Museum....For things forgotten," He said Sombrely

I-KETER-WILL SPEAK: "Indeed, and you be an exhibition here until your demise, We will be your tenders, your co-workers and your caseworkers.

"Caseworkers?"

I-HOD-WILL SPEAK: "If a creature becomes aware of our duties, We must personally appraise the creatures worth. And see if we can continue to give him the will to continue!"

So the Artifacts at the museum Curate themselves? Isn't that like the Inmates Running the Asylum?

I won't be here for long, even if you stop me, i will be rescued!

NO YOU WON'T

All ten said that, it must have being something they all agreed on saying!

To get here you had to be Forgotten, to leave here you have to be remembered, You have No-one in your Universe who can help.

Meanwhile, in Earth-1's Hell...

"SO THAT'S WHERE HE IS! THOSE FISHTANK PEND*JOS HAVE HIM! I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT IMMA COMING!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E WILL CONTINUE IN NOVEMBER!

 

Eamonn reviews the FIFTH! Indiana Jones Film Noone wanted!

 Attention! I have another Confession.

I have No Nostalgia for the Indiana Jones Series.

And It's not like I Don't know who he is, as a Child of the 90s, you were Too early for Memes, But you were ready for Cross-References in Cartoons!

But as for the films, I never watched them as a child, It was only when I moved from my parents House, Was when I could watch them. 

For You see, A good chunk of my family are Afraid of snakes! I am Not, so I don't have that issue watching the series. But Growing up I was not allowed.

But Now That I have being living as my own man for most of my adult life?

The Films are Good, Ark is Possibly Peak Cinema in Terms of Practical Effects and Storytelling. With Last Crusade and The first one being a tight race for Second!

But what about The fourth film?

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT SHIA!"

Aliens? Gobshia LaBueof? The Fridge Scene?

I know you are swimming in N*zi Rat Money like Scrooge McDuck, George Lucas, But get your act Together Son!

So I am going in Blind, Since Disney Plus is something I will not pay Money for, I have not seen any of this nor have I read any spoilers or reviews prior to the Writing of the last Paragraph. So has Lucas Learned his lesson?- EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT THE DIRECTOR ANYMORE! Let's find out!

Wow, that's a mighty fine looking DVD cover, you have, America!

WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, BUT IS SET IN WWII AND BEYOND, AS SUCH, DUE TO GOOGLE'S NEW TERMS AND CONDITIONS, OBVIOUS WORDS AND NAMES HAVE BEING CENSORED.

We open with Huge Action in the Opening Minute, as N*zis bundle a man in one of their uniforms into a Museum whilst other Greyshirts are moving boxes and Crates out of it. Their Captive is bound and his head is covered in a potato sack, whilst Toby Jones looks on from the Shadows. Gee I wonder who that is?

The Soldiers reveal its Naturally, Indiana Jones, or rather a big money CGI Harrison Ford, it's not a Patch on the CGI they used to make a Five foot Chris Evans, but it's a Serviceable Younger Ford. Indie tells us it's 1944, as he drops that the war is over and H*tler is in hiding.

To one side, A Professor (Mads Mickelson) has exclaimed to the Colonel that they found "it".

The "It" in question, the Lance of Longinus, the Spear which supposedly pierced the Flesh and drew the blood of Jesus Christ during the Crucifixion.

Finding what they sought, the N*zis  load up the Treasures but the Colonel, not Convinced Indie had come alone, orders Soldiers with Dogs into the forest to Find Toby Jones. Meanwhile, Dr Jones is to hang And nearly does, if not for his trusty pocket knife, but it's tough going, the rope is a lot Thicker than expected, however a Bomb falls in their Vicinity on a carpet, that breaks The Floorboards underneath, causing a hole and slowly effected by Gravity, the Weight of the bomb causes the carpet to be dragged into the hole, down several floors and it only explodes once reaching impact!

Great, now we need the Mythbusters to come out of retirement to Debunk this scene too!

Anyone not a named character is killed in the blast, that only Blows back Dr Jones. Meanwhile on the Train to Berlin, The N**is have captured Toby Jones who feigns innocence and speaks German while Indie carjacks a ride to get to the train...not knowing it's a cab for Top Generals. 

Dr Basil Shaw (Toby Jones) is being interrogated on the train in transit, his story being just a Birdwatcher is found to be a lie when the contents of  Indiana's bag is shown, the Trademark Fedora and whip. Indie crashes the car into a motorcycle which was part of the security detail, and zips through the forest on his newly lifted bike to the train to rescue Dr Shaw from Being Tortured, the ineffectual Grunts, if not distracted by a "Hey, You", are convinced that this man who speaks no German is their Commander.  Indie retrieves the Blade just as Mads Mickelson tells the Colonel something at the same time to the same Conclusion: The Spear is a Fake! As a Physicist, not an Archaeologist, Dr Schmidt (Mickelson) has Concluded the Alloyed Replica is no older than 50 years old. In fact all the Treasures are Fake...except for one.

The Antikythera....the Eponymous Dial of Destiny!

In real life, the Antikythera is an Ancient, Super accurate Clock that not only tell the time but the phases of the Moon, and even counted for Leap years! 

But In this World, the Antikythera is a time machine. Indie Recovers his bag and Gear. Punching Schmidt for just being in his way, as Basil Reveals the Half of the Dial of Destiny they found on his person. As Soldiers crawl outside the sides of the Train to get to Indiana , He, also outside, jury rigged a Rail gun to shoot them All, except the Colonel who Indie has a Knife Fight with on the Roof of the moving train. In the scuffle, Jones tosses a Gun at Basil who shoots the Colonel right between the eyes. Stumbling, Indiana Jones kicks the Soldier off the Train to his death. Dr Schmidt climbs up to demand the Dial of Destiny, only for him to be Knocked off by a post Pole. It's Literally the End of the Line as Both Doctors Jones and Shaw, leap off the Train before it crashes into the Cold River Below. 

2 Decades past, and Indie, now played by The real Harrison Ford, is now a shell of his former self. The Great hero now sleeping in his Flat's Recliner, woken by Loud Music, Threatening Those Durn Kids with a Baseball Bat, in his Pants! 

It's 1969, as New York city is Gearing up to Celebrate the Moon Landing, as Evidenced by the Bunting up around the City, and the College where Dr Jones is teaching a Bored and Distracted class, save for an enthusiastic Women (Phoebe Waller Bridge).  The class is about Archimedes, and while he mentions real Life things like the Archimedes Screw and the Displacement Story, he also mentions the Sun Laser myth. And that he invented the Dial of Destiny. But his class is interrupted by a television bought in to watch the Parade for the Astronauts. So much for Indiana Jones' last Class!

Yes today was Dr Jones' Retirement, he's being working that job for 30 years, they give him A watch, and kick him in the Butt on the way out...

"DATS HARD TIMETH, DADDEH! DAT'S HARD TIMETH!"

PWB Starts to trail the now Former lecturer to a bar, not realising she is being tailed by a Soul Sista. Finding him at the bar, she introduces herself, she is Helena Shaw, Basil's Daughter. She has an Embarrassing Nickname of "Wombat". But I'll just call her Helena!  

Across the street in a Hotel, Dr Schmidt and his goons are busy brandishing Guns and looking displeased with the fact a Black man has Served them their room service. After Agent Klauber claims the Physicist in this room created the rocket fuel that was used to power the Apollo, The Bitter N**i, learning that the porter is Former Military, makes a point that "People like You" still serve "People like Him". Klauber gets a Phone-call, the Sista works for them as a field agent. So he and The Big Muscleman, Hawk goes to Kidnap her.

Helena is here with Bittersweet news for her family friend. She is now a Doctor of Archaeology herself, but her father had recently died. Her Area of Expertise, The very same Artefact her Father lost in Alps and Spent his life to recover it: the Antikythera. 

After Reciting the Wiki on the OOPart, she wants To invite Dr Jones back to Germany to search for the missing Dial, in one of those great adventures she only ever heard about. Jones however remembers (as far as Helena knows) that losing the Dial and his subsequent search Drove Basil Mad.

The Woman with the Afro, meets up with Schmidt's Goons, And a Little Guy with a Crutch. She mentions the name "Henry Jones" and the Guy with the Crutch has a Double take like he has heard the name before, but that doesn't stop the other Goons from Sprinting Into the bar with guns Drawn.

Finding himself lured to the Backroom of Hunter College, where Dr Jones reveal he had the Dial all the time, that the story of dropping it in the Alps was a cover, before she was old enough to truly understand the truth. However, Jones tells her Basil's Obsession with the Dial's power after finding Archimedes' Notebook drove him to Madness, when he found out that the mathematician Discovered the rotation of Planet was not perfect and his device could predict Storms Disturbing the Skies, But possibly other Disturbances like, cracks in time!

The Black Agent named as Ms Mason, is Accosted by a Secretary, so Hawk shoots her Dead, a Professor who heard the collapse by the silenced bullet gets killed too, Mason is shocked but Klauber and Hawk have direct orders from Doctor Schmidt, As the Elevator Opens to Reveal the Crutch Guy and some Expendable Jobbers for the upcoming fight scene.

Indie Grimly tells Helena the last time he saw Basil alive, he took the Dial from him, the 2 had found a Tablet called the Grafikos, A Riddle told in poem that are Directions to the second Half of the antikythera. While Basil had Worked himself up, he was not obsessed with using the dial's power, but fearing those could, would change history, all the while Mason and Klauber have got both Doctors Surrounded, Helena lets slip she knows more than she lets on, but before Jones can get an answer, the agents Close in on them. Mason tries to calm Jones down, But He just grabs her and asks who are you People?

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

But before he can get his answer, he knocks over bookshelves to make space enough to escape,

A chase scene breaks out on the Backdrop of a Busier than usual NYC, As everyone has turned out to welcome the astronauts. Jones could have walked away, but he sees his colleagues Dead, when hours ago there were happily celebrating his retirement. He tries to phone the police But he is caught by the Cannon fodder, worse he can't even land a Punch on the grunts and he is covered by a Burlap Sack, again!-Deja Vu, Huh?

Thrown Into an Armoured Car, the Agents Question Indiana On the Dial and Helena, But the Parade is blocking their Escape, So they have to Traverse by Foot, Using an Anti-war Protest as cover.

Indie starts joining in with the Chants and it annoys Klauber, who takes a Swing, and Jones Blocks it to start powering up his Protag powers to take out the Grunts. He grabs a peace sign to smash over Hawk's head, But it bounces off the Bigman. Feeling besmirched, Klauber pulls out The Glock and shoots it into the Crowd. Jones Finds a Mounted Policeman approaching the shot he Heard to investigate, before he too is assaulted, Jones Sees the Horse on standby and Mounts it to escape through the parade With Klauber on a motorbike and Hawk carjacking Miss World's Limousine!

THIS BETA FOR THE LONG AWAITED GTA6 IS WEIRD!

Indie is Surrounded, until he rides down the Subway, even keeping pace with a train on the horse and onto the train, when he dismounts, Without paying, but he probably has a travel pass at his age!

Schmidt is Interviewed for a Newspaper Article on his part in the space race, prior to meeting the President, when he gets a phone-call from Mason, she has sent a file on Henry Jones to him and Schmidt recognises the face of the man who Punched him for just following orders. So he tells him staff to book a chartered plane to Morocco.

Hours pass and Jones finds a Tv in the window of the Electronics Shop, the news twisted by the agents who have spun the Narrative that Jones killed his co-workers in Hunter's after being Bitter about his Retirement, his divorce and the off-screen death of Sh*tty LaBoof!

He's Running and Screaming from Greenscreen Angels Now!

A drunk Sobers up enough to recognise Jones, until a pair of fists calls Last orders on the drunk's Consciousness. The Fists belong to Jones' old friend Sallah, who has comes to save his bacon, but it's may be too late!

Sallah explains that Helena was on the run from Interpol because she Stole and Smuggled Antiques, Drawing The Ire of the Aziz Family of Gangsters in Morocco, where in a week's time Big Rahim Aziz, owner of the Hotel Atlantique in Tangiers will Host his Auction of Stolen Rarities.

Despite Sallah Warning Indie That leaving the Country will only make the people believe he's guilty, Jones is afraid on who may use the dial, as no Doubt he Believes Some party at the Auction has the second Antikythera Gear.

Reluctantly, Sallah Drives Him to Airport. Whilst at his home to Pickup his passport and Basil's notes, he also Packed his whip and Hat, he wishes that Indiana will "GIVE'EM HELL", Nearly gets Indie ran over.

On the Plane, Indiana Reads The Jumbled Ramblings Basil had sent him For years before his death, He remembers the day he took the dial from Basil who was going to smash the treasure to pieces. Indie lied to Basil when he said he would destroy it himself, Naturally didn't believe in Temporal Storms and Time Travel. And he Still Doesn't. But seeing all the things he has in the past, had made him open to the idea.

We see on a British Plane that Helena is Also bound for Morocco.

We waste No Time as we cut to the Bustling Hotel Atlantique, where Jones' Eavesdropping has Found both the Gangster Big Rahim Aziz and Helena Who Already has started Selling the Gear, and we also found our Annoying Sidekick-A Squeaky Voiced Teen who thinks he's a Hard-man Pilot called Teddy Furam, using the alias of Lewis (it's never referred to ever again). The Argument between both Doctors, who are revealed to be Godfather and Goddaughter, gets the Attention of Schmidt and Hawk, the German claims the Device is his property despite stealing it. Which causes Helena to pipe up with this.

"You stole it, he stole it, and I stole it to sell it! It's called Capitalism!"

Jones pulls the table cloth to bag up the Dial, inciting a Mexican standoff from every Criminal Organisation Rep here. But Godfather and Goddaughter fight off waves of Gangsters and Gendarmes alike, the woman sliding the gear to the annoying Sidekick, who legs it with Schmidt and Hawk in hot pursuit. The Two Archaeologists are Arrested, but the police back off when they see a car drive behind Indie. It contains Big Rahim holding a sword and that must mean he's not happy!

Rahim, revealed to be Helena's Husband out of a marriage of convenience, gets more upset when he learns she pawned her wedding ring. So he orders his bikers to chase them down and kill them, until Teddy steals a Tuk-tuk to rescue them.

One exhilarating car chase later, the 2 big loads steal another Tuk-tuk to get away from Jones, but changes their tune when it's shot up. Catching up to Schmidt, Helena pulls out a Roof hitch brandishing it like a crowbar, but the Engine in this one blows out too.

On a Helicopter, Miss Mason gives Dr Schmidt the Riot Act: 3 people dead, one a police officer, a nationally televised Parade hijacked, the President stood up, and every Mafia, Syndicate, Tong and Triad wants him dead. Schmidt is lucky the president only wants him back in America. The question is: what does America get out of this?

Seemingly nothing anymore, as Klauber, Hawk and Schmidt hijack the Chopper and Kill everyone else on board, as Mason dies from her gun wound, Schmidt reveals his name is Jurgen Voller.

As the sea Stallion helicopter flies over Chocolate flavoured Shia, Teddy asks Indiana if he's old enough to have known the Wright brothers personally.

Naturally, after everything that he's gone through, Jones is not in mood. Turns out not only does Voller have the dial, but all of Basil's notebooks on said. Helena's not worried because she knows where the Grafikos is. Jones moans that even if she does know where it is, she can't read Ancient Greek. But she says the Grafikos won't be in Greek , it'll be written in one of 2 of Archimedes' Code.

Yeah, and when you crack the Code it's going to be in Greek, which you can't Read, as far as this man who hasn't seen you in 20 years knows.

And Annoyingly, that's the hook to get Indie to Chase after the Helicopter, by plugging the Engine with gum and hoping for the best! With Jones' Connections, he knows that Helena needs him, more than he needs her.

Arriving in Athens that night, by way of a van. Indy finds on his diving boat his old friend, Renaldo (Antonio Banderas). One time the greatest frogman in Spain. Much to the Annoyance of Teddy who is not impressed by the Dilapidated Boat and the equally Dilapidated Crew!

"DID SOMEONE SAY DILAPIDATED BOAT?-THATS WONNNNNDERRRRRFULLLL!"

On the long boat journey, Helena Entertains the crew with Magic tricks. When Indie accuses her of folding the cards to make him and Renny pick the same card, Helena explains it more Confidence than trick that she pushed both of her marks to pick the same card via force of her personality, though indie takes offence to being called a mark.

Concerned for his friend, Renny calls it a night. Indie asks Helena if any of Basil's notes Mentions the date of 3 days from now- August the 20th 1969, 30 years and 2 weeks before H*tler invades Poland. The date was all over Basil's Notes and no doubt why Schmidt/Voller is in Pursuit of the Antikyretika in the first place. Helena scoffs that Indie now believes in Magic, he says he's seen too much he can't explain away.

"How did I know I could survive being nuked by hiding in a fridge, and not even get a singe on my suit?"

Helena Asks Dr Jones what he would do if he could travel in time. Jones answer he'd stop his son from Enlisting and being killed.

"I should have told him the Bullets aren't CGI!"

But he wouldn't save him, just have his soul be at peace for is going to happen to his family in the next 20 plus years.

In other words, not even in Universe, noone wants Shia to return!

The Next Morning Everyone but Teddy (Because the Sidekick can never be useful!) Are Geared up ready to Dive, until Helena spots something In the water, at first she thinks it's Sharks,  but to Indie's Horror it's Eels, as Teddy sing-songs "They look like sna-akes!"

You are the only irritating Character not in a Horror film, that I'm ACTIVELY HOPING GETS KILLED! Never since Jocasta from Last Night in Soho have I wished the death of a Character!

He's stuck on the boat to check the Oxygen levels of the divers, and you'd think that would grant my wish that sidekicks can be useful,....

 Do you think I would Trust Monkey D. Doofus here not to Screw up? 

In the shipwreck, an Angry swarm of eels attack Helena when she disturbs the chest the Treasure is found. Gathering his courage, Jones saves Helena. The surface Teddy spies a Second boat speeding towards them. As the Divers rise to the surface they see their boat being attacked by guns, the Unnamed fourth diver being killed, as Jones, Shaw and Renny inflate their lifejackets to float up quicker.

They return on board to see Voller, Klauber and Hawk had killed everyone but Teddy. With the Grafikos uncovered, the Physicist still has use for his captives, as he cannot Decipher the code the Tablet is in. Indy refuses, so Voller shoots Renny, who at least goes down swinging before his demise. But this gets Helena to pipe up to save her skin, getting paid in diamonds. So she uncovers the the Riddle "A Place where Wolves learn to walk" the Greek for Wolf sound like the Greek for school. The verb "to Walk" is also used for "to count" so to learn to count you go to a School of Mathematics in Archimedes' home city of Alexandria. As the woman walks around, she slips Indie a Stick of Dynamite. The riddle continues with under the one of nine, Helena states the roof of the School has Statues of the Muses, the Goddesses of art. So it stands to reason The great inventor hid the time machine under the statue of the Muse of History, Clio. The N**i is so focused on the Riddle he did not notice Indiana had moved at all, the Dynamite lit and passed back to Helena who throws it at the villains, the blast doesn't destroy Renny's Boat, but it does stuns the Professor and his Cohorts long enough for the Heroes to steal the Speedboat to sail to Turkey.

Except Helena had tricked the N**is, the riddle only sends the reader to Archimedes' Tomb, not to the Second gear, something they noticed when they removed the "Stone" tablet and noticed how smooth and Light it was. Remembering that the first Gear was sealed in wax, they make a fire and the tablet melts to reveal a Golden Disc that looks like a Star chart. Just by looking at, Indie can tell it's Egyptian (a close-up of the Disc shows hieroglyphics to confirm this). The Disc had a riddle etched on it too, and it bring our heroes closer to the real treasure in Sicily, hopefully they have put up enough of a Subterfuge to Confuse the N**is on a Wild goose Chase!

....Except Voller was Spying on them going west towards Italy and not East towards the Sub Continent.

Location: Sicily During a Church procession, a wedding and a Market day at the same time. The Riddle's answer is the cave of Dionysus, but during the day, it's crawling with Tourists. Teddy is worried that Dr Jones is running the show now and that means that any gains will not be Ill-gotten, Despite Helena saying that's not the case.

The Adults gear up with new backpacks, until it time to ask "Where's Poochie?"

Yes it's time for Replacement Short Round to get a character arc. After the Petty little Sh*t pickpockets a child in a designer suit for laughing at his hat ( Seriously, if they dressed a child like that in real-life, you might as well have him wear a Sandwich board that reads "JUST ROB ME!") He buys ice-cream, looks out to sea and sees the German, he turns and he's grabbed by his goons.

"Oh no....so terrible...."

Jones hears the screeches of the irritating Cutpurse and sees him bungled into a van, it's time for another Car chase! But the only vehicle in their line of sight is a Volkswagen Beetle being decorated as a wedding carriage. So it gets lifted, as the wedding party chases after it.

Under a pantheon like template, they find the Cave of Dionysus. "The Ear that hears Whispers like a Hurricane" according to the Riddle. Helena hearing her echo, works out the Gear must be buried where the Echoes are at their loudest. Except it isn't buried, when they find the apex of sound on a cliff face, which when the light of the setting sun hits the cave in such a way, causes the light to project the Crescent moon from the Grafikos onto it. So not only does Indie have to climb, he also gets to complain about having to climb. The N**is arrive, Just as they uncover a secret cave behind a waterfall, because of course. Helena tells Indie Teddie's Back Story as he was a thief that tried to steal from her whilst she was on a job herself, and they gave being watching each other backs since. They then get covered by every insect known to man,  and run foolishly into a Room that pumps methane that has an Atrium pool and column pieces around the room. Remembering that this was a puzzle built in honour of Archimedes, The Puzzle to open the door is Water displacement. Tossing the Pieces of Columns into the pool to open the doors before they Succumb to the gas.

The Atrium Slants into a waterslide, into a hidden passage. Teddy tries to escape, but is handcuffed to the Big Goon, Hawk. The Brute Gingerly tries to cross a Rickety Rope Bridge, but his resourceful prisoner grabs the key to the cuffs, bites onto it and forces himself and his giant Jailer into the White Rapids below. The two hit a sluice gate but it has rusted enough to allow Teddie to swim out, but not before freeing his restraints and Cuffing Hawk to the gate to drown.

What was that about Not being able to Swim?

Meanwhile Jones and Helena Finds the Real Tomb of Archimedes, His Skeletal Remains Lovingly Holding the Second gear, Observing the Sarcophagus and the corpse, they determine the artwork showing a phoenix with propellers and the body has a Rusted watch on his wrist-Confirming That Archimedes must have used the dial to travel to the Future in his life time. Just as Voller Reveals himself.

With Helena taking As Hostage, Jones Begrudgingly Gives Voller the second gear, the Villain combines the two to recreate some kind of console, But before Voller can press the button, Teddy, who was spying on them, leaps onto the back of the German and the doctors fight them off! 

Helena gets Teddy out of the cave, But Jones gets Shot in the chest, as the villain Round him up. Stealing a Motorbike, they trail the blue van. In a twist to the trope, Jones finds out The evil plan to have the allies Lose the war is to assassinate...AD**F H**LER?

But it's understandable-Voller is a man of Science and reasoning, H*tler was so obsessed about the Occult and Fortune Telling, those beliefs bled into his more insidious ideology, to the point he sent troops to North Africa to grave rob Pyramids or Viking Burial grounds in Scandinavia to find some kind of Ar*an Birthright. But With the N**is under someone who lived with those mistakes, They will make sure not to make them in the first place.

It's Time for Teddy to put up or shut up all his big talk about piloting a plane, as the Na*is in Full regalia, invade an airship, as Helena jumps onto the Landing Gear of Voller's plane from a speeding bike. And crawls Inside as the Next scene below plays out.

That's when Indiana realizes something Voller didn't calculate for-Continental Drift over 1000s of years, it was not a concept at the time, The Coordinates will not put them anywhere near Munich 1939.

As the Physicist realizes this to be true, the plane cannot veer or turn away it's being Drawn to the Crack in Time, much like a Black Hole's Event Horizon.

When the two planes fly out of the Brilliant light, The Na*is, Jones, Helena, Teddy and the guy who owns the plane teddy hotwired who was asleep in the cockpit, End up.....Over Sicily.....Where they were to begin with.....

.....It's only when they get closer they realize their mistake. Not seeing Italian Battleships, But Roman Warships. They went too far back!

So far Back, That Archimedes himself realizes That Someone used his Antikytera in the future to come here, when his students talk about Dragons!

Jones realizes Where and When they are, After all His last Lecture was on this Subject: They are In 214BC, During the battle of Syracuse. As Voller has a Mental Breakdown, Klauber Smashes a Window to shoot a machine gun, when Both Pilots are Skewered by Ballista Arrows. Helena Reveals herself in a "Hello Boys" Fashion, and Makes all the Unnamed Grunts fall to their Deaths by Trap Door, Only for her To be Pulled Down by one enemy to Dangle for her life. Voller attacks Indy when he grabs the last Parachute, But Helena Shoots Voller away. She and Indie land Safely While Voller and Klauber can only look at each other as the plane smashes into Sicily as a burning Wreck!

The Mathematician Finds the Wreckage and inside It, Pilfers Voller's Watch-The Watch Archimedes will be buried with-and puts it on his wrist., while his Student holds up the Antikythera.

Landing on the Beach, and seeing Teddy flying Towards them, Helena Gasps in Horror when she see's the extent of Indie's Gun wound. Indie Pulls out a piece of Paper. It's Coordinates, He tells his Goddaughter that she and Teddy should find Archimedes, and reverse the numbers to get home-without him. That's when Archimedes Reveals himself when his Students Armed with Bows and Arrows save them from an Ambush. 

The Great Inventor Tells Us this Meeting is a Canon Event, the Antikythera is a fixed point in time, It can only go to 214 BC In a attempt to save Greece. Indie wants to die on his own terms: to see his life work on the Battle of Syracuse Validated First Hand, But Helena has other ideas when she Knocks his Ass Out! And he wakes in his flat, In a clean bed and even cleaner Bandages.

In the Time Indie was In a coma, Helena and Sallah Convinced Marion Jones, Indie's ex-wife to Stick around until he Pulled through, So Everyone So the Jones can have their Moment, As Marion's Theme plays out as they kiss, The camera cuts to and pulls away from the second bananas making their leave, the camera rises to The balcony of Indie's Flat, where his hat is on a clothesline, a fade out bubble encircles the hat, only for Indies hand to grab it, the only reference they didn't use at this point and we see no more!

MEH!

I Cannot be nicer or Allow Myself to Nit-pick this Entry anymore than I have to this point. Yes, Ford is getting on in Years. Yes, Mads is Typecast as a villain. Yes, Waller-Bridge is overrated and Everywhere. But One thing that is wrong with Modern Star wars is a thing that is bought over to Modern Indiana Jones, The theme is overused when action scenes or When Nostalgia Hook is used. It's blasted all through the film and it loses it's impact and meaning!

But You know what?-It's better than Crystal Skull! And that in itself is a glowing recommendation!

CREDITS

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from:

The Simpsons

Disney's Encanto

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Wikipedia

NWA

Family Guy

Ironic by Alanis Morrisette 

The Critic 

WWE RAW

All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was Produced by Lucasfilm LTD and Distributed by Disney.

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...

Something.... Something.... Ezra Miller is an A-Hole! 

Next month we review the Flash. 

AND NOW THE CONTINUATION OF THE STORYLINE!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E!

CHAPTER 3-Death and Extinction are 2 different things!

(Eamonn continued to walk under the duress of his kidnappers through the Grey Area- a Pocket layer of Existence that looks like our world in greyscale, but is the place where Thoughts go to be Forgotten. Still walking with Death's Pistols cocked and ready to fire, Eamonn looked towards the Plague Doctor, who was also his kidnapper.)

"Actually, you didn't answer all of my Questions."

"oh?"

"No, you didn't. You didn't tell me why your Masters want me Dead!"

"OHHHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" That laugh was so effeminate, coming from that body, it was actually alarming!

"And who said we Vanted to kill you? Killing something that is going extinct will be so cruel, unt mien friend  has a bad reputation already!"

"But that is the..."

"-Same thing? " Was this what you were about to be saying? No! We don't Vant to kill you, we don't even have the power, or Authority to save you!" ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT, But in our experience, Not Even our previous Quarries could or wanted to, they just...let it happen!"

"You said you worked for these, Appraisers. But what Exactly is going on? What is Capturing me when you could have captured any other Human, set to accomplish?"

"Fine, I'll tell You!" said the Puppet shaped like Death. "We work for the Appraisers, Y'all know that much, But their full Title is The Appraisers of Will.  All Creatures who's powers come from observing and Continuing the flow of time answer to them. They are the literal Gears of Time, that keeps time chuggin' along! But what they want with you, Knowin' that you will, and have being Sticking yer nose in our business, is Their Business!

"And the form of a childhood memory, that frightened me?"

"Perception Filter, Psychically linked to trigger your Amygdala, the Fear Centre in Your Brian. An insurance Policy for when I'm on the job proper. Come on Take a swing, I bet you can't, Don't worry about it, I KNOW YOU WON'T! C'mon times-a-wasting! We Need to Deliver you to the Appraisers already!"

THE 2 DEATHS OF E WILL CONTINUE IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

The Crap Films of Hugh Grant!: Dungeons and Dragons Honour Among Thieves

(EAMONN'S DIALOGUE IN BLACK)

(HERR DOKTOR'S DIALOUGE IN SEA GREEN)

THE OUTLAW AKA DEATH IN PASTEL BLUE.

(Still Blinded and Delirious from the Poison Sprayed into his face. Eamonn couldn't tell where he was, only he was bought here and it was now moving beneath him. He has also being put down onto the ground, as he stood up, and when his vision came back to him, he couldn't believe where he was.

He was in a Carriage of a Train. Carriage where the seats where oversized cinema Seats, the floor was red Carpet, sticky with Gum and spilled Butter and Soda!

He was Back on the Express Train to Hell

"ahhh and how are ve, Today?" said the Gasmask wearing kidnapper who inspected his victim in a way a doctor would assess a patient.

"GO...FU...(RETCH!)

So a show of Bravado, too bad your Body can't do vat ze mind vanted! I see that my Medicine is quite potent on humans but given what adventures my masters have told me about you, i could not be the taking of chances!

Masters? what Masters? 

In Due time, how about you preoccupying yourself in some.... Entertainment? 

The Doctor revealed a dvd player...

Since I Mentioned This Film Back in the Ticket to Hell Review, it's only fair That I open-WHATEVER THE HELL I GOT MYSELF INTO!, by opening with the film that was Supposed to restart Hugh P*rv-o Grant's career.

Given that Grant is playing Tony the Tiger in a biopic about the Invention Of Pop-tarts with Jerry Seinfeld and Amy Schumber The Hutt, what do you think happened?

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, HOWEVER THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND! Some words have being censored or changed to make this review searchable by search engines

Not Blowing me away with this Cover!

Sure Chris Pine Cuts a Roguish look as a Bard, and I'd buy Michelle Rodriguez as a Warrior and someone as slight as Justice Smith as a Mage, but the costumes are too generic. The only bit of strangeness is the redhead has Goat Horns, no doubt getting onto the popularity of Genshin Impact's top Goat horned Waifu-Ganyu

This Poor Goat Girl-There is So much "Offbrand" of this girl you probably never seen her in her original setting!

And In the Corner P*rv-o has a Sulky face on him standing close by both females like a Bouncer has just told him not to Touch any of the dancers!

We Open With a Black Prison tower in a Blizzard, the sound of Angry Black Horses whipped by a drayman, transferring New Prisoners into exile, or rather, One Large prisoner, as a troll-like creature gets out in a cell with Edgin (Pine) and Holga (Rodriguez), his roll for charm has him ending with Holga kicking and breaking both his kneecaps.

So that means he took damage and reduced his speed and Attack Stats!

Today is the Day of Holga's and Edgin's parole hearing, However he wants to Stall until Magister Jonathan arrives, and we are lead to believe he's a lenient member of the Absolution Council. As Edgin tells his story in flashback.

Edgin wasn't always a thief, he was once in the Harper's Guild-Spies who pose as Minstrels to collect information on unsavoury characters who may abuse wealth and power, Despite the Fears of his wife and having a Baby Daughter.

AAAAAAAAAAAND FIVE MINUTES LATER!

Edgin finds Zia Dying and his daughter trapped in a secret Compartment after an arson caused by Some Red Death Mages he encountered. Losing his Wife is what would have sent him over the edge into Criminality....if he didn't have thoughts about it already!

That's when he met Holga Kilgore, A tribeswoman who was kicked out for falling in love with an outsider, and they find each other, both at rock Bottom and turn to crime to feed Kira and Stick it to the man!

Their first heist, bagged an Invisibility Pendant, That's given to Kira. Soon when Kira is old enough, they all committed Robberies, soon they were joined by Simon (Smith) a "SO-SO-SORCERER" And Forge (Grant), a Small time Con-man.

The Found Family were doing well for themselves until they encountered a Wizard named Sofina! (Daisy Head)

Sofina wanted to hire thieves to Steal from the Harper's Guild, their keep being on top of a Sea Stack, that only Bards can enter, At First the Harper was Disgusted at the thought of one of their own being asked to betray his former Brethren, Until Forge told him that amongst the treasures, the Harpers had A Magical Artefact they kept secret from him, a Tablet of Resurrection, that could bring back one person from the dead. 

Hmmmmmm!

Sure enough, the thieves set off a trap, Sofina killing a Barrage of Guards, and Traps Everyone in a Time Stop, with Edgin throwing Forge the Tablet of Resurrection and pleads with him to raise his daughter. The Late Parole officer, Jonathan, a Griffin,  is rushed by The duo and uses his power of flight whilst he Struggles to get away....despite their paroles being Granted!

So with a Kidnapping Charge no doubt put on their heads, we get title drop, it's being 2 years since returning to their home village, and Edgin's house has being abandoned in that time, except for Edgin's Lute hidden in the same Compartment Baby Kira was hidden in all those years ago. While getting their first drinks as free people, they notice on their napkins, That Forge has weaselled his way into becoming the Duke of Neverwinter, but they need a guide. The problem is the only person they know from The city is Holga's now ex-husband, the one she was banished from her tribe for, who kicked her to the kerb after her arrest.

Arriving in Neverwinter on the opening day of a Monster killing Games, Edgin and Holga are we reunited with Kira, though the fact she hugged her Step-mother first and referred to Forge as Uncle is cause for Concern.

Hugh Grant creeps and grins into the scene to chew it, we get a Story Dump-BLAH BLAH BLAH, The last lord fell ill, but not really, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Ill gotten gains paid for my  political Campaign, BLAH BLAH BLAH, The Baddie Is my Advisor and I'm her useful idiot! 

I Just shaved Ten minutes of predictable dialogue, it's so easy when the film is this paint by numbers!

And Kira gets angry when the Tablet is Bought up, for you see, it's not a Tablet of Resurrection but a Tablet of Riches. Forge conned the Former Harper by dangling the carrot by offering the one thing Edgin Wanted, but afterwards made out Edgin was a Selfish Bugger who cared more about money than his daughter, he then holds up their mugshots and Edgin once again fears he has lost his daughter, as she leaves the room in tears, Forge goads them more And let's slip it was a setup! They charge Forge, but Sofina turns the floor to quicksand and Forge leaves them to Sofina's devices. He tells his Cohorts to collect the Bounty on their heads, instead Sofina wants their heads... on a pike! 

Holga gets them freed from execution, ripping out a paving stone and whooping Forge's Guards with it, leading to a quite impressive fight scene, bagging the Executioner's Axe once it's over, I love it when you get Loot from boss fights! 

Back at Never Castle, Kira looks at the crudely knitted Mittens her father made whilst inside, and wonders if he can be trusted, that's when Forge returns to lie that they Stole the tablet of Riches and left. 

Whilst on the road,  Edgin States the only course of action is to Rob Castle Never and expose the lies by Forge. Holga asks the Main Questions, if they are going to rob a castle, they need a crew, and what do they get paid with? Edgin reminds her that the wealthiest men In 3 realms Are arriving to gamble at the High Sun Games, the Contents of the vault will pay for themselves, including the tablet of Riches, even though Holga points out stealing the thing Kira thought her father abandoned her for, isn't A good idea!

We Cut to Half elf, Simon of Triboar, (Smith), reduced to party magician and lowly pickpocket, who's crimes are rumbled when he sees Edgin and Holga in the Hall, breaking his concentration during a gold levitation spell. His spell backfires by making everyone in the hall levitate until everyone but Simon falls. Until Simon crashes through a roof before he too falls and conveniently onto the saddle of Holga's Horse.

Simon Confirms what we all guessed, Sofina used her magic to make the Former Lord of Neverwinter ill to give Forge what he always wanted: Wealth and Power. Simon is in, only because he's desperate, but is worried that the vault is guarded by magic. So they need a Druid, a wizard capable of Shape shifting. Turns out Simon knows one, by the name of Doric, they went out together, but she found his flaws and Foibles to be .... what's the word I'm looking for....oh yeah...."Many"!

So they find Forge's goons about to execute an elf, until one of their horses rears up and morphs into a Quote unquote "Owl-Bear" before turning into a red headed woman with Goat horns who lands on her own horse to rescue the Elf girl.

The Heroes find themselves in the Hidden Forest World of the Emerald Enclave. Doric shoots down Simon's lack of Confidence and Elgin's so called strength of a Planmaker, 

"Doric: If you made a plan already, what use are you then?"

Edgin: "No if the plan fails I make a new plan!"

Doric: "So you make plans that Fail?"

It's not like the Enclave are doing any better. Day by Day, Forge Fitzwilliam claims more of their Forests to drive out the Druids who questions his rule, she cares not for the Money, only that she wants those took her in as an infant to be save!

Sofina is in castle Never, inspecting a Glowing Red Horn shaped Artefact, when her true Boss, Sszas Tam, this Pound Shop Voldemort who permeates the Air with the stench of Death And overused Fantasy Tropes. The time has Come And so has he! Until Hugh has to ruin their little powwow.

Doric turns herself into a fly to recon the vault when some Bigwigs come to meet Forge, but Sofina's powers senses her so she blasts her with magic. The fly turns into a mouse which crawls into the Sabaton of a suit of armour and she grows enough to walk out, however Sofina is on the chase herself, tracking every morph until she escapes as a deer.

Telling the others she saw Sofina's true form as a Red Death Wizard and learning the name of the spell fortifying the Vault, Simon throws up his hands and claims its all over, the Seal of Mortus-Cayman cannot be deactivated by even competent Wizards, they need to, in D&D fashion, go on a side quest for a Helmet of Disjunction. Too bad it no longer exists!.... except Holga's tribe fought for it a 100 years ago and Simon has a totem that will let him speak to the dead. Meanwhile Sofina welcomes another red Wizard to Forges Ranks as an assassin, who kills all of the guards who lets the Thieves go free, under her orders, not Forge's.

During their Quest, Holga passes her husband's village. She needs some supplies. For laughs, this muscular Woman was married to a Dwarf! She's come for her "Walking stick" ( CLEARLY A MAGIC WAND!) , When a Carbon copy of her enters. Holga learns he married Gwyn a year ago, a year into Holga's 2 year Sentence. They are done blaming each other, And themselves for their marriage breaking apart, but though they moved on to better, it still hurts. When Holga saddles up, Edgin Cheers her up with a song, that she joins in.

But now it's time to Make the Mood Whiplash, let's do Some Graverobbing!

Several Grave Robbings!

Because, you see, the Schtick of the Totem is that they can only ask the undead 5 questions before expiring again, except they answer any question within earshot, even if they were not asked Directly- WHO'S ON FIRST? WHAT'S ON SECOND, I DUNNO IS ON THIRD....

"Also, Simpsons Did it First!"

Eventually they find a corpse who died with the Helmet in his possession. It was taken into the care of a Paladin called Zenk, A Defector from Sszas Tam's Country of Thay, where the Red Death are from.

Edgin doesn't believe a word, only to be told 1) Paladins are immortal and 2) everyone knows who Zenk is. He's like a Great and Noble hero and a Selfless, Milk Drinking Baby-face! But Edgin just Can't trust someone who came from the Country that worships death and killed his wife!

They Learn Zenk is now in league with the Harpers which only going to make things rougher for Ed.

They arrive in Morrowshield, where they meet Zenk, who is practically Jesus, he performs a Miracle of saving a cat Humanoid baby from the jaws of a Giant Fish and pulling out the child alive, to cheers from the villagers and to the Annoyance of the male heroes.

At first The PTSD of Seeing a war first hand has made Zenk keep his promise to protect the Helmet, But when he learns that Forge is in league with the Red Death, he soon changes his tune.

He exposits that Not-Voldemort rose to power during a Celebration in Thay. During his Coup, he used a Spell from the The Red Horned Artifact called the Beckoning Death, manifesting a Blood red Storm Cloud that turns all who sees, hears or feels it, into Mindless Undead Slaves. 

Being The Paragon of Virtue he is, Zenk won't work with Thieves unless their intentions are just, so he gets Edgin vow on the Harpers Seal. Zenk reveals he hid the The Helmet in  a cave of Scientifically Impossible Permanent Darkness.

As they ride through Rustwood , the Paladin reveals he was there as a child when Sszas took over and he would be enslaved too, if not for his parents pushing him forward and saddened to see them turn into Zombies robbed of both free will and Identity. He will join their quest to save Edgin's Daughter, but he frowns upon raising Zia from the Dead "There are Layers to Existence, to return one to their old life, is to deprive them of their new life" 

FORESHADOWING!

You know, for a Unscientifically Impossible Permanent Darkness, the Underdark is pretty well lit with its Bioluminescent Anemones on the walls-it's Nice!

So Zenk Brings his new allies to a Bridge over magma. There Destination over the Bridge, the Hanging City Of Dulblund. Zenk explains the Bridge is a complicated Tile Puzzle that can only be solved with precise movement...only for it to collapse when Simon takes one step onto it!

Wah Wah Wahaa | meme sound | sound effect HD (youtube.com)

However it's Simon who saves the day, as the "walking Stick" really is a Magic Wand, I mean it's obvious, it's the wand Justice Smith is holding in the Cover art!

Simon calls it a Hither-Tither Wand and as you can imagine it can move anything to or away from the wand's Holder!

Yeah, it's essentially a portal Gun.

The Heroes uncover the helmet of Disjunction. However Zenk can literally smell evil in the air as they turn to see Thayin Assassins. Zenk Tells the others to leave the fight to him, Another fight that's nicely choreographed and shot! The Paladin Fells them all, however you can't fully kill the undead, just incapacitate long enough for their Bones and Wounds to heal.

The Heroes run with the Zombies after them, until a Roar blows them back, It's a roar from an Obese Dragon, He Dispatches or Devours the zombies, but he only sees them as an Appetizer, but its a dead end in a chamber filling with sea water, And the Dragon's head stuck in the only exit. So Edgin gets Simon to ignite his finger in his flame finger trick as soon as Holga provokes the dragon to breathe out Methane before the flame erupts.

Swimming out of a newly made Hole, the Heroes Dry off on a beach, With Zenk saying his Goodbyes. He has no quarrel Forge Fitzwilliam (despite being in league with the Murderer of his parents-HELLO?)

Simon Puts on the Helmet to Attune to It's powers otherwise the quest would have being worthless, Despite Doric Doubting him he puts it on and the World unravels in a sick effect. It makes everything look like its underwater, but then the things around Simon unravel into Composite Pieces-Cliffs into marbles, Doric becomes strands of red hair and leather scraps, In with Simon is his Ancestor, Amur a great Wizard who calls his descendant unworthy, he forces Simon out of the Helmet. Edgin tells him to Attune already they have 6 hours to save the world-and he needs that time to take a nap!

With all that hard work of telling others what to do, Edgin falls asleep and into a memory of Zia calling him a coward, it's a memory of him too chickensh*t to deal with a dragonfly, it's more Foreshadowing as Zia opens a window after Ed traps it in a jar and says "Just have to let it go!"

OH YOU WANT MORE FORESHADOWING? YOU CAN'T MOVE WITH ALL THE FORESHADOWING WE HAVE HERE!

Simon can't attune and they all want to give up. They call Out Edgin For Being the Failure of the Bunch.

And he says They're all Goddam Right! He's a Failure, But You know what? Even failing at Something is Better than Doing Nothing! And Failing at Something Feels a lot better than doing the Wrong thing!

On the Night of Zia's Death, the Greed and Resentment in Ed caused him to pocket Gold from the Red Death Mage he help arrest, Not knowing they enchant Their treasures with tracking spells if stolen. Ed's Greed is what caused the downward Spiral in his life!

But they have a Plan B and it Involves a Picture frame With the picture cut out and fashioned with Honey to stick on in place. And sneaking it on a wagon heading for Neverweather to use it with the hither tither wand as a Portable Hole ala Wile E Coyote.

Sure enough, with the games reinstated and Forge telling the audience not to leave under the promise of a gift, I think it's pretty obvious that Tam wants to expand his army of Mindless Slaves with the populous of 3 kingdoms

It's a Good plan by Edgin, except the painting they used is so dahm ugly, the guards Store it upside down with the portal blocked by the Vaults Stone Floor

So the New plan is now the old-Attune with the Helmet, making the entire scene of executing this new plan to be a waste of everyone's time

Actually Ed has Finally Sussed out the Problem with Simon's Magic, it doesn't fail Completely, It fails spectacularly! What I mean is instead of a spell not working, it instead becomes overpowered, like the levitation spell went from floating gold to erasing gravity! All he needs to do is face Amur again in the Helmet's Realm with some confidence in himself. While everyone will Make a distraction to Bide for time while Doric is in the Tower of Neverwinter, Chipping away at the Portal with a knife.

Edgin's Singing Distracts the Guards while Doric tries to chip at he portal with her knife to possibly squeeze in as a worm, But the Ed Singing is a Hologram cast by Simon which malfunctions, Just so Boomers like me can laugh at a CD Skipping joke.

Oh i got it, it's just not funny!

With Clone Edgin Melting into Nightmare fuel, the Heroes Escape into the Castle Armoury with Holga holding them off as the 2 men escape, we get another fight scene which with all the various Weapon types must make Holga feel like it's Christmas, or whatever it's Cultural Counterpart is!

Simon gets to vault and Attunes with the helmet, he tells his ancestor to hell with his family name! Amur had his time, Now it's his!

And he just Punches Amur!

No Epic Magic Battle, Simon just Punches Him, as it was the last time he expected him to do, Amur turns into Simon and says "Took you long enough!" and peaces out.

Simon's new found Control over the helm of Disjunction causes a wave that, well, Disjoints everything it touches. including the Vault which turns out to be fake. Doric chipped enough pavement to squeeze into the real vault, a Warehouse Beside a Dock, Before being Knocked out by a guard from behind. Edgin finds Kira in her Bedroom in the tower, But It's Sofina in Disguise.

 And of course we get more Clichés as Forge comes in to Gloat and Edgin wants him and his party to be Placed in the Tournament for their Freedom. Even though there is nothing stopping Sofina from just casting the Beckoning Death now to turn The Denizens of 3 kingdoms into a mindless Army, though she agrees she wants to see those who defeated her Men dead.

Or you can just add them to your Army NOW! And gain yourself a measure of revenge! It's called being A Villain!

So Doric Wakes in a lift below the Arena. She tells the others what she saw before being knocked out. So that's Forge's game-Sofina gets an Army, and Forge Robs them and gets out of Dodge, with Kira taken with him once more! Doric tries to fly out, but she and Simon have Anti magic Cuffs put on them. So Much for Edgin wanting a fair Fight!

With that, on the Sound of the Klaxon the Arena turns into a Maze with Treasure and monsters like those old Chestnuts Like Chimeras and Mimics, which kills contestants of other parties. Doric finds a sword to save Holga from being A mimic's Dinner. They Run only to be pushed by a warrior who runs face first to his death into the body of a slime. Doric's Hand is forced into the acidic body of the slime, and it burns off the Anti magic Cuff. One Party is Dead and the other (Which just so happens to the Characters of the 80s Cartoon) are trapped in a cage on the lift to the entrance of the Arena. But the entrance is not the exit!

Doric's plan is to jump everyone inside the slime, they noticed the maze resets and removes  elements, so the Druid turns into a snake and slithers unharmed out of the Slime and pulls the others out into a loading bay under the maze before the maze floor above them lowers to crush them.

They're where Doric was when she was Knocked out, the keep near the Docks, Arming themselves with their stolen Gear, they get on Forge's Ship and Find the Tablet of Resurrection, Finding Forge dragging Kira Forcefully, they call out the Con on his lies. He takes Kira as Hostage holding a Knife to her neck, until she is saved when Holga throws a Potato at Hugh's Head in Su...per.....Slow.....Mo....tion!

"Blast! I've been hit in my Handsome H**Ker getting face with a Bloody Potato! Surely my Career can't get any worse!"

YEAH IT CAN!

They unmoor the Ship, cast a Wave Spell, set sail for home and leaves Neverwinter to the Mercy of the Red Death who are Minutes from Creating an Unstoppable Zombie Horde!

OUR HEROES EVERYBODY!

It's only when they Figure it out long after I did, what the plan is, that they have a New plan, Use the Hither-Tither Wand to teleport the loot over a portal cast on Forge's Hot Air Balloon, to Lead out as many would-be Victims from the Beckoning Death, Everyone who can escape, has! (more on that later!) 

So to Wrap it up!

Edgin says his Goodbyes to Kira as he asks her to use her Invisibility pendant for Safety, Have a Big Boss Battle with Sofina, Which Despite Owl-Bears, Stone Dragons and the most Epic Giant Hand arm wrestling match ever, the thing that Bests Sofina is Edgin bonking her on the head with his Lute like Jeff Jarrett!

They Get hit with a Time Stop as Sofina walks slowly to monologue about how great and Evil she is, they reveal they were faking it, long enough for Kira, while invisible, to place Simon's working Anti magic Cuff onto Sofina, and Distract her long enough for Doric's Owl-Bear form to Hulk out and Throw her around like a Puny God!

But they find Holga has being Stabbed by Sofina's Blade, the only Cure for a wound from a Red Death Weapon is of course the Tablet of Resurrection, which is what the tablet was, Forge was just Caught in another lie! 

And While Holga would rather die and be Validated in The eyes of her tribe, It takes Edgin this long to realise that while Holga may not love him, that he still loves his wife, Holga has being a Mother to Kira all her life, and Bringing back a Practical Stranger to raise her would be terrible!....if it wasn't so laid on so thick with Foreshadowing! So he uses the tablet's once and only use to revive Holga. Meanwhile, at nightfall, Forge tries to do a midnight flit with whatever treasure his grubby hands can carry, he trips and falls over only to be arrested by Zenk.

And So the Film Ends With Forge Monologuing in his Parole hearing what happened next: with Sofina Incapacitated, her Spells wore off, the previous Lord of Neverwinter was cured, he publicly deems the Thieves as heroes, the Emerald Enclave gains protected Status, Doric and Simon are dating again, and the last thing we see is Forge grabbing Jonathan to fly out the window for a "HERE WE GO AGAIN" Ending, only to see it bricked up!

THIS FILM IS ENJOYABLE ENOUGH!

There is a lot of things wrong with this film, the Jokes are Obvious and the plot is cliche (Even the Subversions are cliché at This point!) The Characters are Flat and uninteresting put next to P*rv-o, Rege Jean Page as Zenk being the worst Offender, as he is more of a Story device to provide information and move the plot along to the Climax and leaves before being seen in the end scene.

But do you know what P*ssed me off in this film?

They Acknowledged that the Beloved 80's Cartoon, the one that was cancelled before the plot was resolved, ( and yes I'm aware there is a unofficial recording of the Original cast reading the Script of  the finale online), is canon to the film universe, and during the High Sun Games, the entire cast of the cartoon are trapped in a cage 5 minutes before Sofina is going to cast her magical Omnicide spell, and that it the last time we see them, overhearing about Sofina's plan in a cage, begging to be let out after overhearing that they are about to die!. And they weren't in the crowd being lured to freedom, so the Original team are no doubt dead! And on a Meta standpoint means they won't be the focus of Sequels despite the demand being there!

But despite this, the film captures the Essence of the Board game, which each of the cast Contributing their best skills to get the the End Game. Chris Pine plays the comedic rouge with charm, Michelle Rodriguez and Rege Jean Page have nicely done Fight scenes, and Justice Smith and Sophia Lillis have a good chemistry. And while he is someone who I can't stand, Hugh Grant played a Snivelling, self Serving Con Man very well....I guess! 

On the technical Side, the Icelandic Settings look like they came out of a D&D artbook. The Special effects, while Eye-catching were sparsely used in favour of Puppetry, (Because we all feared this was going the way of Boom Boom Bay's Transformers!) And the Musical Arrangements felt Folksy and music played with Pipes and Harps, String instruments with some accompanied by Ominous chanting in Elvish language, and the pieces matched the Mood as it was demanded!

These wins are enough to make the film watchable-Hell it may even convince the Uninitiated into Trying D&D, but it's Losses are Equal enough to Push back the Film to being perfect, And it seems the Film's opinion will met by many at an impasse.

CREDITS

Dungeons and dragons: Honour Among Thieves was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media and Clips from:

Dungeons and dragons Honour Among Thieves.

Genshin Impact

Star wars Episode 5 The Empire Strike back

The Simpsons 

Unfrosted

All Media used belong to their respective owners. All rights Reserved.

Dungeons and dragons is property of Hasbro.

 Dungeons and dragons Honour Among Thieves was produced by eOne Entertainment, a Subsidiary of Hasbro, and was distributed by Paramount Pictures.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.

Wishing he'd swap the hat and whip for a walking stick and Slippers, a decade after a Fourth Indiana Jones film no-one wanted, Comes a FIFTH! Indiana Jones no-one wanted! It's Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny!

Ve have reached our Destination, Human. 

(Eamonn rose from his booth seat, and followed the finger pointed by the Doktor, He walked out into what he thought was a land covered in fog, only to realise when he approached solid walls that his hand went through, he was not in a fog he was in some of Reality that overlapped with Ours, every so often their was a Wind, That was actually a whispering of Human Voices, Sometimes they were hard to make Out, Sometimes the voice was a different language, but of those he could make out, it was the Banal and dullest of things like "I Need to feed the Cat" or "Remind me to wish your Father a Happy Birthday".

He Didn't know what that had to do with anything, but years of Fighting His world's literal Satan to the point He got Depressed, and traveling to other dimensions and gaining some respect from creatures who are thought as gods, Been in a Realm like this was ...Boring!

Do you like it?

"It's a tad....Dull!"

Apologies, I'm sure when my Colleague arrives, they will tell us that your Habitat is made to Enrich your Final Days!

"Ok, i need to know what is going on? Who are you, why did that Cowboy look like a childhood memory? Who are your Masters? Where is This place? And why do you want to Kill Me?"

In Order- I am Herr Doktor, A Minor Cosmic Entity, Who Is charge of the Flow of Time, Namely things At the Perciple Of Extinction. Mein Masters, you have Not Yet Met, They are Ze Appraisers, They are Beings who Decide the Direction of Thought. Und Zis place? This is Zere Realm, vere Zose, about to be lost and Forgotten are bought here before their demise or Redemption.

Velcome, Former Champion Of Earth 1, TO ZE GREY AREA!

As for ze the Identity of mein Familiar Friend...Well...

(CLICK!)

(Eamonn felt two Metal Objects pressed between his Shoulder blades and heard a click from a revolver.) 

You ask too many questions! NOW GET TO STEPPIN'!

TO BE CONTINUED!