3 TICKETS TO HELL: WILD HUNGER- PART 1: STAN HELSING

 Welcome to the Grindhouse Triple Feature Season 1 Finale of BoggerBoxoffice...

THIS YEAR'S TICKET TO HELL!

It's Being a long time It's Being this format, But this is a return to Roots, grindhousing an Entire Boxset in the month of my Birth. 

And This year we are Delving deep, OH YEAH BABY, We are getting our hands dirty and yanking out 3 BIG CINEMATIC CLOGGERS Laying long forgotten down the Drainpipe-Starting with the Scary Movie Series with Stan Helsing

(Whispering)"I SEE DEAD CAREERS, WALKING AROUND HOLLYWOOD LIKE NORMAL ACTORS"

The film starts with a horror chase scene, however it's not real, it's a film being shown for free in a video rental shop...and i just aged myself and everyone under the age of 25 are now sounding off the words "Video Rental Shop" just like Peter Kay's Dad when he was served...

As the Scared Customer runs off Screaming, Stan Helsing (Steve Howey), a clerk and Schtockblaster gets a phonecall and is asked to recommend some Porn they stock. Five seconds in and a dial-out of Stolen jokes that were told when I was back in secondary school, and you now know what counts as humour in this film.

Stan is Told by his manager to kill a cockroach in the ladies room, what happens next is The standard "Scary Movie" holy trinity-Sub par Sight Jokes, Cringe and Racial and sexual Orientation Stereotyping! The last time I did a [insert adjective or genre here] movie series film was Superhero movie long ago on this site, so the standard practice to this style will be new to you, But I will only be reacting to things that move the plot along.

THREADBARE AS IT IS!

Stan Enters the Cubile, and gets pissed on by a Mansize Cockroach.

Before he leaves for a Halloween party, the supervisor asks him to deliver videos to the manager's mother's house. Despite saying no...he does it anyway!

In the van Picking him up are His best friend Teddy (Kenan Thompson), his date for the night Mia (Desi Lydic) and Stan's ex-girlfriend (Donna Biard). Meanwhile back at Schlockbuster we have the arrival of 3 VERY BAD Parodies of Horror villains: Dart-head, Charlie Krew-gar and Schmicheal Smyers, have all come to kill Stan. In a traffic Jam, Stan sees a Chucky stand-in another van, mining a blow-job at him, but no-one believes him.

Naturally the van full of Stupid Mouth-breathers take a shortcut but are Cut off by a truck filled with Hanging corpses, Driven by....Pleatherface!

Teddy Plays Chicken  with 2 tricks in hopes off escaping, but as quick as it appeared, they Disappeared, naturally they celebrate by getting high, and run over a dog, as the owner vows revenge, so they get out of Dodge and clearly they don't want anymore trouble, right?

Teddy Picks up Jason, but in a bit of Stupidity reveals that he's just a guy, even though we clearly saw him dressed as Jason, who is an escaped Convict who speaks candidly around his crimes. Butcher smells the Kush and wants some, so Teddy Tricks him into reaching into the boot of the van and Stan throws him onto the road by hammering his fingers with a ratchet.

Stopping at a gas Station, they are accosted about the dog they killed a hippy played by Lucy Lawless. they enter the station and the Native Clerk, recognizes him as Van Helsing, he's even drawn Stan in more flattering light. Mia Returns changing into a Schoolgirl Costume and that causes Stan and Teddy to bust a nut!

Speaking off, Stan Goes to relieve himself but Someone is watching him and getting off on it, It's the Native man, How do we know it's the Native man?

(SIGH....)

Because his orgasm.....Sounds like a warcry!

The Hippie is Angry with the Accusation and yet another party wants to kill Stan and his friends.

So we get some plot from a security man. The Town of Stormy Night use to be a film studio of the same name, where all the Horror Classics were made, But a fire Destroyed the Studios and the town was built over it, However Because people say the film characters got free you should never be out after midnight. Shame despite just being at a gas Station, that the Petrol Would run out!

Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube

The Next stop in our cliched Journey is a graveyard where every grave is dated Halloween and Working at an icecream truck for trick or treaters.....Sigh....Is Michael Jackson. There is a reason I bring this up, Jacko was blocking a sign for a bar.

Inside said Bar is the man whose dog they killed. Leslie Nelson in drag plays a waitress (Seriously Do the Wayan Brothers or whoever is in charge of these films have pictures of Leslie with a Sheep to blackmail him in being these awful films?) Teddie can't get coverage on his phone, as a waiter whispers "they" Don't anyone in stormy night to make contact with the outside world. In the Bathroom Stan is the stall next to Crew-gar and doesn't know it.

When Stan Returns, he learns Teddie has signed up the group for Karaoke, which is a death trap if they fuck up. Only when Stan Mentions his name, he is treated as a chosen one Golden child to save the townsfolk from the curse.

It's now Midnight and town changes from Creepy town to Persona 3. as they return to the bar, all the patrons and Staff are turned into Long dead Skeletons. Teddies Burger Box has turned into a Lament Configuration and Summons Dart-head. The dipshit get a crank call from Upchucky, Stan tries to climb a gate but is electrocuted. Stan asks Nadine (Biard) why did they break up, It's revealed that Stan is so Apathetic that during a date, he lets a robbery, baby to drop, a fire and Mr Miyaji choke to death, all because they were in the way of his food pickup.

They Follow Schmicheal Smyers who has thrown a Body down a pipe, Mia who had thrown her flashlight down a tube goes to retrieve it with Stan grabbing her ankles to look up her skirt, a rat crawls up her legs to give her an orgasm-WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? WHY WAS THIS MADE?-Mia falls as Stan rips off her panties by accident.

In the Tunnel Below there are Living Statues carved into the walls that spit a pencil at Mia (I DON'T GET THE REFERENCE) They run out of a root cellar door after surviving Schmyers and end up inside a church.

After some Obvious Catholic Church Jokes, the Alter Boy tells our Hero that he is Stan "Van" Helsing-a Direct Descendent after all. 

Inside a chest are items that will aid them. For Stan -Van Helsing's Jacket and Scrolls. For Nadine-A Mardi Gras Mask. For Mia-A Pair of Stripper Heels and for Teddie-a Product Placement Burger. Given the Racial Undertones of how rude the Alter Boy was, I was expecting him to get fried chicken.

Stan is still a coward and gets thrown out of church. Crawling out a red light district window as they try to escape are vampire strippers. they perform for the guys money until they learn Stan's name, Naturally they get turned off by the guy whose family has genocided their race for centuries. Justified or not!

Then in a park, Pleatherface attacks with a leaf blower to see up the girl's skirts and reveal the alter boy's Cross dressing.

Well Of Course-IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE'S CAREERS WAS SALVAGED FROM THIS 23 YEAR OLD DRECK?

And Don't say Kenan His cinematography has being hit-or-miss!

They run into a house which has a payphone inside. Stan uses it only to reveal that it's a direct sex-line to the Vampire Strippers, who are in the next room-Despite making it clear they wouldn't fuck the guy who wants their kind dead, they don't refuse service!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4

Upstairs the 4 barricade  the Bedroom they run into room with a bed and Fall Asleep on it. They wake up trapped in a curse set by Charlie Crew-gar, who Bitch slaps them awake. The Night is not over! Oh and Mia has changed her outfit to a Nurse's Outfit because she was one in her dream.

(1) Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube

They turn on the tv and Confirms Butcher is in Stormy Night, after killing a a Bus full of Special needs people-BECAUSE IT WASN'T FUNNY WITHOUT THAT DETAIL PUT IN, RIGHT?

Oh and the chief was Arrested for Voyuerism and the dog they ran over was a local hero who saved children from a fire, Just so if you forgot-Who ELSE wants to kill Stan.

Outside Butcher is waiting for Stan-Stan Sick of all this, goes Outside to deal with it, but the six foot man turns into a kid as the rest of a hockey team jumps out of a station wagon to chase Stan off.

(1) Phelous-Great Continuity - YouTube

So Nadine wants to leave so they go into the next room and straight into....A GAY GERMAN HORROR THEMED HARDCORE PORN STUDIO!

Look, can I just get to the part where this just ends?

But there is a reason this is here, You see this studio is the "Manager's Mother" who the delivery was for the entire time, and videos which were never checked via to this point-were all gay porn! WHY WOULD A GAY PORN STUDIO NEED MORE GAY PORN?

There's Brick Jokes and there are People I which were smothered with a brick!

They find a Puppy who looks very similar to Sammy Boy, and Sammy Boy's owner arrives with his revived dog, Frankenstiened and held together by bolts. Sammy Boy Senior has not being the same since being hit. This would be the Best Time for them to use the Burger, the one we know they have, and made a big deal about, But Mia instead literally puts a Dog Whistle from her tits and blows into it to chase him away. she also tells them about a cab phone they keep walking past, but had forgotten about! 

They call the cab, but Unfortunately, The monsters Arrive for the final Battle, all of Town are Resurrected to act as an audience for the slaughter.

That's when Leslie Neilson, Shoots a shotgun and tells us that will be settled once and for all.....IN KARAOKE!

NONE OF THE CAST CAN SING!

But Despite Losing, the Monster's Welch on their Deal.   

So let's finish this once and for all! 

The Scroll (Which is just Fake Hieroglyphics and Boobies!) reveal to Stan that Making Mockery of the monsters will destroy them, He whips off Crew-gar's glove to reveal an Manicure, which causes the townspeople to laugh him out of the bar, squashes Dart-head into oblivion and feeds Butcher and Smyers to Sammy-boy, after blinding their eye-holes with Ketchup, Pleatherhead's Weedblower gets plugged out and Upchucky gets punted out the Door.

The Curse is Lifted, The Four go into the cab, the mask Nadine was given makes Stan Desirable, the Stripper heels get used on Teddie-As the last thing we see is a POV shot of Mia's Actress breaking the Fourth wall asking her mother of she is proud of her daughter playing a strippper in her first starting role!

OH SWEET NON-EXISTANT GOD THIS FILM SUCKS!

This may shock you, but this film does have 1 positive.

Most of the [INSERT GENRE OR ADJECTIVE HERE] Movie Just cut and paste 1 one film's plot and Put crap memes and other References in. The fact there was an idea that a curse freed the movie monsters is a good idea.

But Just as you would expect from these movies-It'll all over shadowed by Offensive Humour, Stereotyping, Toilet humour, One Note, Unlikable Characters, Cheap Costumes, Jokes that go nowhere! (Why was Micheal Myers wearing a Yarmulke?) The only upside is Leslie Nielsen and he's only on screen for a combined 10 minutes!

THIS FILM IS FULL ON GRADE A GARBAGE!

Next time on Boggerboxoffice!

Wild Hunger Continues with the 2nd film of Anchor Bay's Comedy Collection: THAT DURN DIRTY MICHAEL MOORE WANTS TO BAN THE FOURTH OF JULY! WILL GHOSTS FROM AMERICA'S HEROIC PAST CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE? FIND OUT IN THE MOST BIZZARE TAKE ON A CHRISTMAS CAROL YOU MAY HAVE EVER READ-BIG FAT IMPORTANT MOVIE!

AND NOW  THE CONTINUATION OF OUR STORYLINE!

(Eamonn walked with Purpose into Sabaru's office. despite being told his wife was busy. Neither said a word when they saw each other. Eamonn who was holding a DVD The whole time, threw the copy of Free Man on the office Davenport!

AND THIS IS....

-DON'T ACT DUMB! THIS IS THE DVD THAT WAS MANIFESTED FROM THE UNIVERSE, AND THAT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

"I SEE...." Said Sabaru.....You feel trapped in your life...your new life....The one I has provided you!

-THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEA.....

-OH NO I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND...YOU RATHER BE SLUMMING IT WITH BEEZELEBUB AND THE IMBECILE CLOWNING AROUND SEALING AWAY DVDS WITH EVIL POWER RATHER THAN HAVING PEOPLE ADORE YOU AS THE HERO YOU ARE!

-BAB, PLEASE...

-BAB PLEASE, NOTHING! I WILL STAND BY YOU AS YOUR WIFE, BUT AS YOUR MANAGER I FIND THIS LONG BOUT OF DEPRESSION BAD FOR THE OTHER WARRIORS MORALE! JUST BECAUSE YOU LONG FOR THE DAYS OF JOE-JACK AND BEEZELEBUB AND EIGHTIES LAD, BEFORE YOU PUNCHED A HOLE IN HIM.

-what did you just say?

-WHAT YOU TOLD ME YOU KILLED EDWIN? YOU HAD TO!

-Yeah, I did! ONLY PROBLEM WAS...I NEVER TOLD YOU HOW I DID IT!

(!)....That Blasted Beelzebub!.... 

So he did tell you something! what was it?

(THIS IS PERFECT....HE'S RESISTING, BUT HE IS NOT FULLY AWARE OF WHAT MY FULL PLAN IS!)

-Oh just the Usual, that "EARTH ESSS MY TURF, BEETCH!" That I have Ulterior Motives, that if I hurt you you'd finish me like you finished Edwin! Noone wants to lose you, that would be Bad.

-I SEE! WELL IT TOOK YOUR TIME, BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE HONEST WITH ME...eventually!

(She rose her chair and Walked from Behind her Davenport to stand behind Eamonn, who had just turned to walk away.)

Well now you know-I always knew I could never Play well with others (she playfully pushes out the door....Now if you don't Mind, this Headmaster has some Head Mastery to do.

She Slammed the door!, The Smile broke into a snarl.

"Yes I am Very good at Mastering everyone Head, especially Humans!" She walked over to her And pressed a button in a hidden interface. The Room went dark As a Projection of a Sphere solidified floating the office. A single eye opened, and darted before staring right ahead.

-WONDERFUL!

Eamonn Reviews Gemini Man Part 2

 (PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!....)

Eamonn's Career and life of a Great hero is a lie! He is unwittingly being used by a Duplicitous Creature called a Mara, named Sabaru. Tearing up his friendship with Joe-Jack, and Spinning it as Jealousy, Joe-Jack, aided by a freed Satanic Ostrich, crossed planets and made Allies to uncover some of the lies, But the pieces are now set. As The mara created 7 colleges for Heroes, but what does a Mara a fear feaster, need with an army set on bringing hope to the world?

Meanwhile, Confused on what is going on, Eamonn reviewed Gemini Man, a Film where Will Smith, faces the biggest threat of his life, A Second Will Smith!)

So Part 2 Starts with Henry Brogan (Smith), Breaking into Danni's (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) hut, To make her Coffee: She's gonna need it to be Alert, Because the Agents who came for him, will come for her next! Get Dressed, It's your First Day as a Fugitive.

Danni goes to the Boat-shop to Hijack a Top of the line Speed boat, Only to be attacked and told to tell him where Brogan is or "Tell him 5 minutes later, Minus your Teeth!" Danni is ragdolled by this larger man, But does turn it around after a shot to the kneecap. The Agent's threats are turned around on him, Whem Henry finds her, she has 2 things for him, the name "Lassiter" and a Fist full of Pulled Teeth!

Now, I'm not sure if Lassiter is the Women with no Personality or the heavy handed parody of Corporate Murica played by Serial Scenery chewer Clive Owen!, But help literally comes in high places in the Portly Shape of "The Baron"(Benedict Wong) Another Former Ace, as evidenced by a 3rd Ace of Spades tattoo on his wrist. A Pilot, now tour guide who will help them escape, To his off Grid Airspace.

Brogan calls Senator Patterson to demand Answers. Yes, Gemini had Hired the Biologist Brogan killed, Yes, Janet Lassiter and Clay Varis are Double Agents. Baron and Brogan, while all three are hiding in Columbia, explain to Danni that Gemini are a Terrorist Cell under the Guise of a Private Security Company owned by Varis. Gemini has all it's proverbial Fingers in the Proverbial Pies. Terrorism, kidnapping, Executions, Name any Military offensive in the past 20 years, and it was Gemini the whole time. Varis is a real piece of Work, he, once in a training Exercise, put Weights on Henry, Who once Drowned previously and had a Fear put on him. So when Varis "Saved" him he Made Henry indebted to Join Gemini!

Once Again, a sniper Trails Our Heroes So Brogan Goes to take him out. Henry is shocked to look down the scope of his gun and see his face down the other end.

DUN DUN....OH WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS FILM WAS SOLD ON THE PREMISE OF "WILL SMITH VS WILL SMITH"

So one High Speed Chase which ends with a ridiculous scene of "Gemini" Karate Kicking a Motorbike into Brogan, and Brogan is Arrested.

And.... Gemini Has Teleportation Powers!

No Seriously! The Chase Ended on the Middle of  a Bridge over a White-water River. Gemini was going to Stab Henry with a Knife, The Police arrived, Henry turned for five seconds, and Gemini was gone, leaving only a baseball cap!

Posing as A diplomat, Danni Gets Henry out of Prison, Henry Needs to contact this Yuri Kovacks in Budapest. Baron's Aztec is not Powerful enough for a Transatlantic Flight, But he does have a Connection, One that lands the Heroes a FUCKING PRIVATE JET!

As Danni Tends to Henry's Wounds she asks him the Elephant in the room: Does he have a son? Back in Georgia, Varis tends to Gemini's (Also Smith) wounds and Gemini speaks of Henry as someone earned his respect, not hatred.

Will Smith Sucking off Will Smith!

THAT'S NOT TOO HARD TO BELIEVE!

And to Really Raise the creep factor, we see a photo of Varis and a younger "Junior" as a child on a fishing trip.

Cut to next Morning and Gemini Training Compound is shown with exercise drills and Crowds of Actors in a Hostage taking exercise, all the while Gemini looks on Bored eating an Icecream Cone!

Varis Tells Gemini to move out to Budapest.

Danni had food from Henry's Plate, a blood sample and the Cap left behind from Gemini to get DNA Tested. the Results are conclusive! Gemini is Henry's clone!

In a Spa, our heroes interview Yuri Kovacs, KGB Agent! Henry was sent to kill Dr Krusneck in Belgium, Because he wouldn't allow Varis to use his Breakthrough Cloning technique, One that Purges Conscience and Pain from a Clone's Memory and was going to go Public to the police.

Somehow Agreeing with Kovacs idea to Coerce Gemini, Henry uses a Bike Courier to send a Message of Intent to Janet Lassister, Courier reads out her address and Daily Routine. Now I Would be shocked and offended that some Bike Bozo was loudly doxxing me in public in front of strangers, but what's this actor's reaction?

She gets a phonecall from Henry telling her snipers are at her 10 and 2 positions and that Her Agent (Danni) is under his protection. However he expects no Legal recourse or Vengeance by the DIA on her return home to America.

...All this talk of Danni's safety is thrown into a woodchipper however, as their plan is to draw out Gemini is to use Henry's own attraction to Danni and Gemini's teenage Hormones against Varis.

After a Very...awkward Strip search, Junior takes the bait literally, who tries to use the attraction Acquired from the real Henry, to Coerce Junior from Varis' Control, But Gemini is still the Clone of possibly the Most Efficient, pragmatic sniper to ever do it. But Despite Booby trapping a catacomb, being armed with night vision and a gasmask, the most effective course of action is a simple plan A: Attack Very Hard!

Gemini is now Henry's prisoner, and Confronts him about Varis, Not factoring that Varis has raised him as a son and not a weapon, leading to a fight that ends with them pushing eachother into an Aqueduct. The clone has one advantage over Henry-HE CAN SWIM! Danni drags Henry out and it's revealed his Shoulder is Busted-A sniper with a Compromised arm is like a table with 3 legs-not fit for Purpose!

Varis is Confronted by Junior about the truth. that his life is a lie. But Varis retaliates that his life is better than Henry's because Junior has the one thing Henry didn't; A father who Didn't try to kill him expecting the best from him, 

But he Does expect the best from Junior, The Only Difference is that Junior has a Whole life time of experience with a life of pain.

Knowing that Varis was in Georgia the whole time, the heroes storm a Farmhouse front only for Junior to shoot Henry with a Tranq Dart full of Bee Venom, which he is deathly allergic too. Junior uses a Epi-pen to Cure Henry. He did it, solely to be sure Henry was telling the truth about the cloning. And with trust earned, Junior lets Henry in on the secret to why he can track Henry so well, in a scar on his bicep, from a surgery 3 years prior, Varis ordered the Doctors to place a tracking device. 

Getting in a van to take the fight to The rest of Gemini, Junior gets a call on his intercom from Varis himself, a one worded warning:

 "RUN!"

It's soon Apparent, though too late for Baron, what Varis meant. As an armed Gemini Unit shoots a rocket launcher at the van, Killing Baron, who was too fat to run.

Danni and Henry are forced to Dodge machine gun rounds, this film devolving to a cut scene from a FPS! Junior confronts his father, about for all the talk of loving him, this is how he wants him back, by treating him as a piece of stolen government property, to be retrieved, DEAD OR ALIVE! Henry has one bullet left, so he apologizes to Danni for dragging her in this deep. But Junior rescues them, But there is bad news, He just couldn't bring himself to kill his father!

That's when A masked Man attacks the heroes with Kung fu and is Covered in nigh impenetrable armour, only after being electrocuted, after being set on fire and activating the Once-stocked Chemist's Sprinklers, does the masked man goes down. Henry pulls off the mask to see...A second Clone, one created from The Advanced Program- the one that could remove Pain and Morality from Memory. When Danni asks if he felt pain, the second clone stares Blankly before dying!

Varis appears from behind to Filibust. Junior Points a Gun to End his father, But Henry steps in. However Junior has a point. If he Gets Arrested, what Then? He'll only use his connections to be freed, or worse, an enemy state will free Varis and he'll Turn Traitor and just start again in another country.

 Henry Tells Junior he doesn't want the guilt on Killing his father on Him, so Junior hands the Gun to Henry....AND HENRY KILLS VARIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF JUNIOR!

Good Job Jackass, Now he had the Guilt of not being able to save him!

Now lets Finish this!

Henry now says his goodbyes to the now Disgraced Senator Len Patterson, Who may get a plea deal if he testifies against Lassister, Now that most of Gemini is made Public Knowledge. Henry and Danni are seeing each other and Junior, Now calling himself "Clay Jackson" has enrolled in college with Henry here to give Clay his Falsified Passport and Birth Certificate. And So Our film ends with them Arguing like a family over Clay's Major.

I'VE SEEN WORSE, BUT I'VE ALSO SEEN BETTER!

First Things First, Compliments, and there is a lot to Compliment. Smith is firmly supported Mary Elizabeth Winsted as a wisecracking caretaker turned Lover, Clive Owen as a "boo-hiss" Villain. (At this point, Owen's scenery chewing is Terminal!) and Benedict Wong as a Jovial Comic Relief all Support the star well. The Script is Compentant and Not too Ridiculous, (UNTIL IT GETS RIDICULOUS!) Ang Lee Directed this and there are Action scenes that stand out, Including chase see during a Holiday of Sorts in Columbia with Bunting and Decoration everywhere, and yet you could still pick out what was happening was a sequence that stood out!

But let's not forget that This film is nothing more than an Ego Wank for Mr Big Willy Style! It Smacks of "GOD, DON'T I WISH MY SON WASN'T SO SHIT AT ACTING!" And the Breakneck pacing is another issue:  For example, Henry tells Lassister, that Danni is under his protection, only to use her as bait in the next scene, or When Henry tells Junior, not to have the death of Varis haunting him, Only to kill Clay Varis himself: that's not my Comedic Exaggeration. that's exactly how it happened!

In the end this film also fails on delivering it's premise of "Will Smith versus Will Smith". With Junior making a face turn very Quickly. Mind you I did like the Subversion of my expectations when an Allergy was Introduced, thinking that would be the Killing Shot to kill Gemini, long before the change of Allegiances. 

A competently written film, and that's the last thing you want Megastars to be attached to.

CREDITS

Gemini Man was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited in two parts by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from:

Gemini Man

In Bruges

MST3K

Gemini Man is the Property of Paramount. All rights reserved. All Media used Belong to their respective owners.

(AND NOW.....THE CONTINUATION OF OUR STORY

Decay of a Dream.

Final chapter.

ALMOST ALL OF THE TRUTH.

(The Express Train to Hell Shuddered to a Stop, As Joe-jack and Ostrich touched solid ground. The Station was a Bustling Souk, Not unlike all those Programs about Mother Theresa Mammie would watch , thought Joe-Jack. The Ekata People where exactly what Satan described: Humanoids with Animal features, like the anthros on Harmonus, But with Either plants growing out of them or Metal or Stone jutting out of them. They were all dressed in Indian Style Garb. 

"OI WASN'T EXPECTIN' T'BE DIS PACKED!"

"YOU'LL FIND THAT WISDOM ALWAYS COMES AT A PRICE! LET'S JUST HOPE IT REMAINS FINANCAL!

They pushed throngs of people, to get a viewing platform of a Mountain. The Mountains shook and changed the message carved on each face. The people reading it, were divided at the message.

"WOT DOES IT SAY? I CAN'T READ DER LANGUAGE! "

"It Says "LIVE WITH DESPAIR, BUT DO NOT LIVE IN DESPAIR!"

All that threading 87 other Earfs to get here, just fer that?

"Excusing me" Said an Etaka dressed like a police officer, he looked like a Moustached Capauchin Monkey. "But Am I in Understanding that you two are Coming from the Earth number 1?

"AND WOT IF WE IS?"

"You are Hereby, Here and Now, In the Custody of The great seer of the Mountains of Truth. Please and Thank you very much not to Escape!"

"Well, Joe-Jack, you wanted answers, nothing better than some Holyman thinking he knows the Score."

(Our heroes were marched into a Mosque like Palace. Soon they were Standing in the presence of a Stag headed Humanoid, his antlers morphing from the bone connecting his head, into wood that blossomed into leaves and flowers.)

So, you are the travellers from Earth 1. I know why you came here!

Yes, we came to save our fr...

-HE IS BEYOND SAVING! YOUR WORLD IS BEYOND SAVING!

-w...WHAT?

-As the Seer of the Mountains I see all the true meanings of the platitudes of the Mountains in my dreams, long before they are formed on the sides of the Mountains. I've seen what will happen! A Great Despair as come to Your Planet from Hope, It has Tricked your People into thinking it is a good omen, Soon a Faked truce will plunge the World into Despair....It will change.....People......Dissssspair......LIVE IN DISSSS......####''''''''

Something terrible happened to the seer....as he was getting upset.....His Negativity transformed his Body, removing the Humanoid elements and making him more beast Like, Soon Standing like a Stag with dead wood Antlers, tentacles bursting from his exposed Spinal chord. and Rows and rows of teeth from a extended jaw-line.

DESSSSSSS......PAIR! The creature ROARED Before Joe-jack Shot it Stone dead!

"So that's her Game"

"WOT IS....WOT WAS DAT YOKE?"

"That, my unwashed friend is someone filled with so much Despair via Magic, it warps the Body like a virus, changing what was into something to suit it's needs."

"He said that this will happen to ever'one back home! But of we are here...."

-THEN IT'S PROBABLY TOO LATE!

STARTING NEXT WEEK AND INTO MAY!

THE GRINDHOUSE TRIPLE FEATURE FORMAT RETURNS TO THE SEASON FINALE CONCLUDES THE STORYLINE.

BOGGERBOXOFFICE PRESENTS.

STAN HELSING.

BIG FAT IMPORTANT MOVIE.

AND THE SLAMMIN' SALMON!

IN 

THREE TICKETS TO HELL 2023-WILD HUNGER!

ALL INTO MAY!

ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

Eamonn reviews Gemini Man-PART 1 (REMASTERED!)

 DECAY OF A DREAM

CHAPTER 3

The Mountains that Scream Loudly In Fear.

(Knowing They can or will be Watched, SatanicOstrich Had Dragged Joe-Jack to a Back Alley.

Satan Used one of Their Avian Talons to Scratch a door into a Wall. Upon Completion, The tracked Lines, Burned into a Door. A familer Door, A train Door.)

-Dats...

-Yes, It's About that Time! Said the Lord Of Darkness, as he Held up 3 TICKETS TO HELL

R we goin t' anotha Worl? Oi thoughtz we weren't aloud!

True. Eamonn's little Pity Party on top Heavenscar did lead to The Council and the Cosmic Entities to Ban Interdimensional Travel. But there is one exception.

Earth 88.

Earf-88...88...Weight....Dat's where Dem Mountains are...Da ones ya Showed Eamonn afore Destroying Silent Hill t' restore ya Job as Da Man Downstairs.

-Indeed, The Mountains of Truth. Satan said as They flicked switched and Pressed Buttons on a console.

-Wot Eggsackly R DA MOUNTAINS OF TRUTH?

In Universe 88, Live The Dominant Species known as The Ekata, Creatures who Evolved to Contain Animal, Plant and Inorganic parts within themselves. Even the planet itself has a level of Sentience. 

But one day, for what ever reason, 2 factions of the Ekata started a war. Each Nation were separated by a long barrier of Mountain Range. The Mountain, Saddened by it's People Fighting, Using it's own Children, The Stones and Rocks as Ammo. As the 2 Ekata Armies Charged towards the Mountain Range, The Summits Decided to take Action.

They caused an Earthquake so loud it made the Armies take Notice! 

The Earthquake was not an Attack, but A Means of Communication. The mountains started to Etch 2 words on every Mountain face. 

"STOP FIGHTING!"

Realizing that the war will hurt the Planet far more than themselves, The Ekata Returned to live as Prosperous Farmers. But the Mountains, Fearing that, like you Humans, that History will Repeat itself, Would Change it's Messages to Predict the future. Eons Pass and The legend Became a religion. Soon after, Earth 88 became a Place, where Those you had the power to do so, Could consult The Mountains for Guidance.

-So We Ain't Breakin' Annie laws Be Comin to dis Worl?

-Absolutely Not! The Mountains of Truth are Mid Level Magical Entities. Their Existence is to monitor the flow of Time and Civilization, Much like Santa Claus, Or the Reaper.

The Engines of the Express Train, Grinding to a halt. 

-Look's like we are Here!

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

 This Month, I Need to be extra careful what I say, For Fear I Incur the Wrath of Hollywood's Angriest Man-Will Smith!

And Over 200 posts, This is, Not counting Being part of The Ensemble Cast overshadowed by Margot Robbie's Ass in Sui-SHITE Squad, is the first Film Actually with Will in a Starring Role. Green Screen Shenanigans Abound As Will Smith's Good Name is Tarnished by a younger Inferior Copy of himself!

Like that will ever happen!

heh...heh...heh...

Cover is one of the lamest I've seen in a while, Smith Holding a Machine Gun, in front of A Better Call Saul-like scan of his younger face, And a shot of Budapest.

We Open On a high Speed Train Departing Liege in Belgium. Of all the place you could have a spy film set, you picked a place no-one heard off?

On the Train, An American Operative we learn is named Rico, is Trailing some very Gruff and Hardy looking Men. The American is wired and in contact with a sniper setting up shop at the side of the railroad, Named Henry Brogan (Smith). Loading his gun with one Shot. Brogan Prepares to Shoot, But is told to Stand Down as a Child Stares at the target and gets in the way. The Agent Confirms an All clear and Brogan shoots the target as the train enters a tunnel. Smith really is a "DEADSHOT"

While Henry Is a Professional, His Partner is not! Rico did a L*gan P**l and Filmed the Dead Body. Henry Reliterates to delete all Evidence.

Cut to A Cabin off the grid In the State of Georgia and Henry is Doing Just That when his phone Alert goes off. Senator Patterson Visits Henry to ask him to Reconsider retiring, that while there are younger Snipers, They are not Henry. But the last Job with a child's life on the line has spooked him and he will be retiring.

Not long after, Henry Goes to his local Docks to take up Finish but his local Boat hire Guy is replaced by Danni (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) A grad student Working here on side (or so she says) We get some banter including how Henry is Allergic to Bees.

FORESHADOWING!

Actually he is using the boat to get in contact with another Former sniper, named Jack, we see both Men have the same Wrist tattoo of the Ace of Spades!

He reveals to Henry that he was lied to. The man he killed, Not a terrorist, but a Micro-Biologist. Jack gives Henry a typed up Name and Address for a Yuri Kovacks in Budapest, rather than say it out loud, As Jack's Yacht is bugged and Watched by the D.I.A.

In Defense intelligence HQ, 2 agents argue about Sending "Gemini" to deal with Brogan, However the female Spy says standard procedure is to contain retirees with an undercover agent and his former handler, namely Senator Patterson. But the Male Spy is not Convinced Brogan won't Go Rogue.

Back on the Lake, Henry Finds The Boat he hired has a wiretap. he confronts Danni who Denies Being an Agent. However he Apologizes for his Outburst and asks Danni to meet him for drinks after Work.

However after a lifetime of Service, Brogan has Connections, and he Submits A Photocopy of Danni's Agent ID. She has being Officially "Burnt", so Henry wants Answers, So Danni is a former Navy Officer, Whose father was a Fed, killed off duty, and she has served in the navy for 4 years. Danni asks Henry why he retired. He says it's a Conscience issue. He claims he can no longer "LOOK IN THE MIRROR" Anymore!

SYMBOLISM!!!!

Jack and his lover are killed by Operatives, their bodies dumped into the lake below.

Henry Wakes from a nightmare of a memory of his father trying to drown his son to teach him to swim, which leads to his mother rescuing him, but red an blue lights reach his lucid Dream And his Alert goes off his Phone. Thankfully to avoid Escape, Henry has built his cabin with Secret Doors and Escape Tunnels. He tries to Contact Rico to save him, but its too late, So he heads to the Docks to try and Save Danni, Killing any Black Ops Agents Who Felt Froggy and Jumped!

HENRY'S RESCUE CONTINUES, AS DOES WHATEVER THE MOUNTAINS OF TRUTH HAVE IN STORE FOR OUR HEROES, NEXT WEEK ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!