Christmas special 2022-Ugly Dolls

 It's now the end of the Year, so that means it's time for a toy tie-in!....and Strap in because this is gonna be one hell of a sleigh ride!

The Ugly Doll was Co-Created by two illustrators who were in Correspondence with each other, an American called David Horvath and a Korean woman, now his wife named Sun-Min Kim, who had returned to South Korea while her Visa was being Reissued and taking longer than expected. One day, David Drew A character called Wage to remind his fiancé to work hard for one's dream.

Months later, Sun-Min would Gift David a Homemade Plushie of the Character and the others would follow. And with Sun-Min's return to America, the two would marry and Start building a greetings cards empire!

So let's see how much Saccharin we can digest, This is the last review of 2022-This is Ugly Dolls

Oh God, This Hurts my Eyes! 

The Bright Yellow background and the Clustered Multicoloured Clumps that are the Teletubbies' Tampons known as the Ugly Dolls massed Together is Garish looking. Though stationary, they don't look obnoxious, (Except for Lucky Bat Raising its leg like a Pissing Dog!) Like Clifford last month, it's different when they are in motion and speaking!

Also in the Back, Lou (Nick Jonas) looks like the kind of Doll that would build A Wall around Uglyville and make the Ugly Dolls pay for it! 

The Film starts in a toy factory, where Automated Work Turns Felt and Fluff into Toys. But Sometimes, the Machines get it wrong and tosses the mistakes into a Furnace, but we Follow some toys thrown down the chute, and we see a pipe covered in Ice lolly sticks, who would do such a thing?

The Citizens of Uglyville, that's who!

The Sun rises (Somehow, in a Underground Bunker in a Factory!) Waking up Ugly Dog (Pitbull, who will no doubt Curse in Spanish, call Women Whores, then Call Women Whores....In Spanish!) And that wakes up Moxy (Kelly Clarkson) who sings about how every child and every doll are made for each other, as she Draws being played by a child, in A bit of Foreshadowing we don't see the Child's face!

Of all the Ugly Dolls, Moxy wants to be Sold to a child. She had Convinced herself that she will be chosen today, and Yesterday, and the day before that! And the day before that...and so on!

There's Perseverance, and there is being too Dumb to Quit!

Actually, maybe it's better for her not to leave, as her Can-Do Attitude and Positive Personality makes living in Uglyville that much better! A fact that Mayor Oxley (Blake Shelton) points out....in Song!

Then Wage Turns up....and she's Voiced by Wanda Sykes!

.......

THIS FILM SUCKS!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compi.....

Okay! Okay! I did that because you know what this film is really like, and Sorry to any Wanda Sykes fans out there, but of all the Film's I've reviewed with her in them, they were Terrible, with her being the worst part in them, Sorry, but if you see one scene of her wagging her finger going "Mmmhmm!", You've seen them all!

Oh, and Gabriel Iglesias is here too!

Out the Chute, what was supposed to be a Duckie, is now reborn as Wedgehead, as Ugly Dog starts Rapping.

At the end of the Day and song, (no, seriously are the songs that long or the are days that short? Put it down to an artificial sun in a Bunker but still!)

 Oxley says that things really can't get better than making this Community of Outcasts, But Moxy Still Believe that the Big World and Children are real. But Oxley just Doesn't want to see Moxy's heart broken.

The next day, Moxy is having tea with Distant Admirer Lucky Bat, (Wang Lee Hom) who wants her to stay more than anything, being the lucky one, Moxy wants her Fortune read via Tea Leaves, But she Interprets them as literally "LEAVE" so she drags Lucky, Ugly Dog, Babu (Iglesias) and Wage to the mountain the chute is held, if Dolls fall to Uglyville, then maybe they lead to The Big World! 

So Babu is a Handyman who seemingly has Hammerspace Pockets but is also Stupid as he pulls out items that could easily travel to a tall place Easily but instead opts to putting a Lasso on Ugly Dog and throwing up him into the chute, using him as an anchor as the others climb up.

After Sykes Earns her Paycheck by wagging her finger and tells us "Momma Don't Like That!", All 5 Skittles with arms and legs join Moxy on her Voyage up the Garbage Chute!

Soon they Fall into a Combining Chute filled with Templates for Humanoid dolls. A Robotic Voice welcomes the Templates and Ugly Dolls to the Institute of Perfection. Once Properly Sewn, the Dolls will be prepared via a Finishing School to prepare them to be Gift Ready for Children, with Moxy Wide-eyed At it all.

We know what way the bread is buttered when Individualisation Pods give Gender and Roles to the Rag Dolls which are all "High Paying Job/Model" Moxy breaks a Pod as the Ugly Dolls try to Mingle with the Ragdolls to predictably bad Results.

4 mean Girl Dolls-Including the one from the cover so *SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY* Exclaim that Lou won't be happy that some Riff Raff has arrived at Perfection Township!

So Lou introduces himself via Song who comes off as a Mixture of Televangelist and Elitist Prick! He has the other Ragdolls eating out of his Crocheted hand, If he told them to drink Bleach to cure COVID, They'll Start Slurping it in Bucketfuls!

He insults everyone's looks in song (Which is Rich, given the whole premise is teaching Dolls to Make them acceptable to leave) until he has a field day Insulting the Ugly Dolls.

Dejected, the others turn to leave, but Moxy Ain't going Nowhere, she is going to Train to be a perfect doll, which the others Capitulate to. Lou tells us the Final Exam is a Gauntlet- An Automated Human House of Some Sort! So he as Leader of Perfection Township invites the Ugly Dolls to compete for his own Shit and giggles! He Orders Mandy (Janelle Monae), the ragdoll from the Boxart to show his "Guests" to the "Supply Suite", as he orders the other Underlings to find out more about this.... Uglyville!

*SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY!* Mandy is Short Sighted and needs glasses to see. The Supply Suite is Exactly that, A Janitorial Supply Shed....

Is Everyone Else Uncomfortable about the Ramifications of a world with only 2 Black Dolls Forcing this film's only other Black Actor, an Asian Actor and 2 Latino Actors to live in a Janitor's Shed?

OK, SO ITS NOT JUST ME?

At this Rate, the Doll played by Gabriel Iglesias is gonna have his own Racist Gift Basket!

Mandy Bumps into a wall Revealing from her pocket he Glasses, she Cries that she needs this to be kept a Secret, as perfect dolls have no flaws, So she needs this kept as a Secret.

Meanwhile Lou had sent 3 other mean Girl Dolls to Infiltrate Uglyville (Voices of Overrated Fake View Bimbos with Songs from Shampoo ads, Charlie X.C.S.L.U.T, Boobie Rip-Shirt and Piss-O!) And yes, I don't give two fucks what their real or professional names are, given that you could replace them with any other fake Singers with Fake View counts on YouTube, given that all 3 are signed to Vevo, a Company that now has new songs posing as Ads to MAKE YOU LISTEN! So yes, Vevo could have sent anyone for Cynical Self-Promotion in this 90-minute advert!

So the trio kidnap Oxley. Another Day starts and Lou is Teaching about Kids and their propensity for getting dirty, so his class is about staying clean, which our heroes fail!

So Lou Tricks the Ugly Dolls to Enter a Shining metal Door into "The Big World"...Which turns out to be a Washing Machine...And this scene is framed like A Gas Chamber in a War Movie, A minority was Tricked, trapped in a metal Chamber and a White Blonde Leader takes Great pleasure in telling his Flock not to end up "LIKE THE LIKES OF THEM!"

But there is another lesson to the washer, Lou teaches that the more a doll is washed, the less a human would want it. No matter how much a child loves you, if you are average at best, broken at worst, you are trash!

That....is more brutal than it needed to be!

Montage of the Ugly Dolls Being Put through Constant Sabotage and Multiple Washes, As Lou Stacks the Deck in his Favour, However Moxy Won't Give up Without a Fight, Despite Lou's Passive Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive actions. Tomorrow the Ugly Dolls will face the Gauntlet, despite not being ready! The Trio Of mean Girl Dolls return with Oxley in a Sack, turns Out He and Lou know each other!

Moxy tried Creating Costumes to Blend in, But Mandy arrives to Help with this (In Song!), Which Just ends with her own, with her singing about her own Insecurities.

"HEY, SHE'S NOT HAPPY AT ALL! SHE LIED TO US IN SONG!
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!"

The next Day the Newly Dubbed "Pretty Dolls" Dressed just like all the Perfect dolls in uniforms and Wigs meet Lou, who Reveals Oxley, who Reveals the Truth to the Others. Once, Just like them, He ended up in Perfection and tried to run the Gauntlet but had Unknowingly been Sabotaged by his "Good Friend", Lou. Oxley entered the Garbage tube and learned the Ugly Truth: Reject Toys get sent to the furnace and are destroyed, So it was him who sealed the Pipe to Redirect Rejects to a new Chute where Slowly but Surely Uglyville was Founded.

With Broken Hearts the Ugly Dolls return to their home, and with Moxy's Spirits Dashed, Uglyville is now a Depressingly drab, Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Endless Night. the Next day Moxy is Meet by Mandy and she Convinces her (IN SONG OF COURSE!) To return to run the gauntlet, saying that if she never met her, she'd be still hanging off every word Lou says!

So one Song later and Moxy's Confidence is restored, Only for them to turn and be kidnapped by the dolls voiced by the 3 fake "singers"

Lou has a new plan and involves the furnace now that he has removed the barrier. He throws Moxy and Mandy into the flames as an Example to the rest of "those People"!

SO....WHITE PRIVILEGE AND GENOCIDE IN YOUR KIDDIE'S FILM! 

GOT IT!

So Moxy is pushed with Mandy Betrayed and Pushed soon after, as Uglyville falls to pieces. Oxley Discovers by shaking Moxy's Sentient Talking Newpaper Press, (NOW THERE'S A SENTENCE!) The Kidnapping, Mandy and Moxy would be destroyed if it wasn't for every Ugly Doll forming a human Chain....er i mean Homunculus Chain to save them, Oxley apologizes for his cowardice, but sees Lou for what he is, if he will Kill anything that looks anything ugly in his eyes, he will kill anything not Perfect, So he needs to be stopped!

It's the Night of the Gauntlet and the Stadium Floor opens to reveal a Human House, when all Of Uglyville arrive to cheer all the Named Heroes as Lou Proves Himself as he will run the Gauntlet too!

Inside, Lou Sacrifices all his underlings into setting off traps, while the Ugly Dolls would show compassion and save them, even if it costs them time off the clock to get the end goal of the other side of the house's back garden! That's when a Robot Baby grabs both Lou and Moxy, and Lou shows his true colours on Camera, when he Pulls a Do You Know Who I Am? and kicks the Baby in the face! Moxy could have reached the finish line, but uses that time to Comfort the crying Baby. Time is over and though the Ugly Dolls have gained Respect, they Lost!

OR DID THEY?

No, because, they all showed Compassion, which the teaching droid tells us is "THE DOLL'S TRUE PURPOSE", They all Pass, except for Lou, but here is the twist!

Lou is a Prototype, the reason he is "Perfect" is that he was not built for Public Consumption. He will never leave for the Big World, but the fact that ANY DOLL, Even the Ugly Dolls could, made him go Mad at The Revelation!

And Try as Oxley Might, Lou Destroys the Portal to the Big World Trapping Both Perfect and Ugly Dolls Alike. Lou is Captured and is given a Fitting Sentence: The Washer!

With Pieces of the Portal Everywhere and CONVENIENTLY! A piece for one doll each, they fix the Portal like a Jigsaw While singing the first song in the film. We then Time Skip to Mayor Oxley twinning Uglyville with Perfection leading to a song of both types of dolls coexisting, The Perfect Dolls embracing New Clothes and Hairstyles. And So the day has FINALLY come! Moxy gets gifted to a child. A girl with the same Gaps in her teeth Moxy has! And So the Credits Roll and reveals the fates of all the characters. Mandy and The other Ugly Dolls are matched with Kids that share their quirks or Skills, while Lou was Punished further by being made into a Janitor!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

I have not seen a More Spiteful, Hypocritical, Obnoxious Talking Down to Children disguised as a film for them! In fact, I Haven't seen a film for Kids This bad since Thunderpants, a film I reviewed In the first year of this Blog. And, for A Film about Body Image and the evils of Popularity, it IS FUCKING RICH! when it stars a singer who WON A POPULARITY CONTEST! And has Lizzo who, despite being Plus-Size, had her song shoved down people's Throats by Vevo's Insidious Campaign of making Songs into Ads on Youtube!, And there is also the Problematic Existence of this World of Perfection Township that has only 2 Black dolls and No Asians!

I WAS EXPECTING A 90-MINUTE AD-THIS WAS FAR WORSE!

CREDITS

Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited and By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter)

With Media From:

Ugly Dolls

MST3K

The Simpsons

Ugly Dolls was Produced by STX Family. All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective Owners!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL HOPEFULLY IN 2023! Please Kept an Eye Out on my main Blog enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com In January when I reveal my Schedule including the first review of the New Year!

CLIFFORD, THE BIG RED SPAWN OF SATAN!

 This may be A shock To anyone who's came here for the first time but I'm a bit of a Retroviewer. I rarely review anything more than a year old, due to the closest cinema being 3 towns over in any direction.

Also it helps that I review what appeals to whatever slice of Collective Childhood we all had!

But do you know what I haven't covered yet? 

Book Tie-in Media!

Keep in mind, As I'm Irish, Growing up Between the late 80s through the 90s, and Vicariously through younger Siblings through the 2000s, there was a lot of British shows that tied to popular books, that every house, school, playschool and Library had. Puddle Lane in the 80s, Rosie and Jim in the 90s, kipper the Dog, Maisie mouse in the 2000s. But as the years went on, these Books seemingly disappeared. Once seen and bought everywhere, but Now? You can't even find them at the Jumble Sale!

Why is that?

Yes, much like any other medium, America has an influence, Where's Wally could be Repurposed by Part-work Magazines to teach Geography and History. The Berenstein Bears-I was gifted so many as a child. But one that Continues with Fondness to this day even after it's creator passed on in 2015, is Clifford The Big Red Dog.

For those living under a Rock, Clifford The Big Red Dog was Written by Norman Bridwell for the Scholastic Publishing company, and with an impressive 80 books, (the last two published posthumously) the Big Red Dog became it's mascot. 

The Series Follows Emily Elizabeth, A Big City Girl who Adopts a Small Puppy Despite her family living in a block of flats.

However, This Dog is no Ordinary Dog, the amount of love and Affection caused the Animal to grow Giant and well....Since this is an Origin Story, I won't ruin the ending just yet!

So With That Said, Let's Dig Into Clifford the Big Red Dog!

HOW CAN SOMETHING BE CUTE AND TERRIFYING AT THE SAME TIME?

Yes, I am aware of the Horror Edits Of this Film on Youtube. And for good Reason! Sure it looks cute in the picture, But when this......THING! is in Motion, it's Quick and Janky and it's Presence is Off-putting! That Said The Cover Shows some personality of Clifford Being a Playful Dog with a Frisbee....except its a Manhole Cover. It's Cute If you don't think of the Ramifications on where he found it.

The Film Starts with Bridwell's Art style replicated into a sweeping shot of New York (BECAUSE IT'S A BAD FILM REVIEWED ON MY BLOG SET IN NEW YORK, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?) As a Very familiar voice narrates about Magic being real and how it brings lost souls together! The world transitions into live action, following a Golden Retriever entering an Abandoned factory. The Dog had Previously given birth to a litter of four including Clifford, who was Hiding in the blankets. That's when some Dog-Catchers Arrive and take away the mother and the 3 Puppies they can see.

Curiously, they didn't frame The Dog-catchers to be Cruel, as they do in other films. Maybe it's due to Clifford being adopted after being abandoned , it makes sense not have a Double Standard! 

After Title Drop, we are introduced to Emily Elizabeth (Darby Camp). After I got over the fact she's a red head not Blonde, (there is a storyline reason for this!) There are other things changed and fleshed out (Her Mother's British, she's a paralegal, They live in New York because Emily is on Scholarship to a Prep School, But they are Struggling Financially, and she is bullied because of it!)

She tries to tell her daughter that you have to stand for yourself. But she's Upset she has Noone else, we Don't ever see a Father nor is he ever bought up! But since this is a children's film, this applies...

AT LEAST ONE PARENT TO THE HERO OF A CHILDREN'S MOVIE BE LIKE.....

 

Mom is Going to Chicago for work, so she needs a Babysitter for Emily, But it won't be Uncle Casey, "THE GUY WHO THINKS GREEN M&MS ARE A VEGETABLE!" NO, NOT THAT GUY! WHY EVEN BRING HIM UP? 

AAAAAANNNNNDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER!

We are introduced to PG Stoner and Waste of Space, Casey, (Jack Whitehall) Sleeping in a U-Haul when a traffic Cop uncovers his Scam to put an Out of order sign on a parking meter to stay parked Indefinitely. Also, for some reason Whitehall, who is British, Speaks in an American Accent, despite his onscreen Sister being British!

Back to Clifford, He crawls out of under the shutter door of the factory, because he is a little smaller than he was, Back to Casey, he's in a building for a job Interview for a book Illustrator and using a soap Dispenser to wash himself....Naturally he doesn't get the job!

Emily is Collecting Plastic Bottles and Meeting Quirky Characters (And Burning Up Screen time, If I'm Being Honest!) Clifford is Scrounging for Food in Central Park ending with him Fighting with Pigeons and losing. Until he is found by the Narrator, Mr. Bridwell. (John Cleese)

Like I said in my Ella Enchanted Review years ago, every time I see One of the Pythons do a film like this makes my Childhood die a little more!

Mr Bridwell picks up the small puppy, and tells him that he has a Greater Destiny than he can ever imagine.

THAT'S SOME SUPER VILLAIN SPIEL, THERE BRIDWELL! WHAT'S YOUR ANGLE, CREEP?

Meanwhile Emily returns for her mother to give her bad news, the only person she could get is Uncle Casey, who instantly raids the fridge and becomes The Thing That Wouldn't Leave. He's expressingly told not use the Faulty Dishwasher. So watch him use it to clean Clifford or shit like that! He also explains he is British....he just lost his accent, and Proves it by saying British things....like Bollocks! That Why the Film had a PG Rating!

Collecting Plastic Bottles, in the park across the street Emily sees an Animal Adoption Fair, in what may be the One Instance Casey shows Sensibility, He's not sure about it, but He'll take Emily at least.

She enters a tent with Bridwell's name across it, Filled with Exotic Animals and Fantastical Beasts like Shrunken Giraffes. But in a lamp post Emily finds a sleeping Clifford. (the reason they made Emily a Redhead is so she has an affinity towards him.) Bridwell says that he is an unique animal, that despite his small size, he will need only one thing that will make him big and strong-LOVE! BUT Casey likes being fed for free, so he reminds Emily that Her Super, won't allow a Dog in a Building that had no pet rules for a reason. 

Arriving at school, the other children laugh at Emily for actually doing the Recycling for the fundraiser when all they do is have Mammy Write a cheque!

THIS IS A BASED OPINION, BUT I USE TO HATE THAT! I WOULD ACTUALLY DO THE MS READATHON ONLY FOR THE BIGSHOT FARMER'S CHILD TO HAVE MAMMY WRITE A CHEQUE I USED TO HATE THAT FOR THE VERY SAME REASON!

After being called a Foodstamper, Emily Does make a Friend in a nerdy Admirer called Owen. She's Embarrassed at class of Course, and runs home upset, Casey watching the news foreshadowing the Villain, A Greedy Capitalist, Emily's Bag starts moving on it's own, Revealing Inside Clifford, and is officially named as such. However prior to that, Emily tried to Google Bridwell Animal Shelter, but nothing was Found!

A MAGICAL SUPERVILLAIN IS SELLING CURSED ANIMALS! THAT IS SOME DARK WEB SHIT!

When Clifford goes scrounging for food, Casey find him eating the meat from his sandwich. He's upset that Emily may have Stolen Clifford and Undermined his Authority. But agrees to let the dog stay the night but and then it's back to the Island of Dr Monroe for Clifford!

But that night, poor Emily has being Cyberbullied and she Cries and Wishes that both would be big and Strong, so noone would hurt them. Outside, A Storm is Brewing as Mr Bridwell Looks up at the flat to see what Terror he has Wrought!

Sure Enough the next Morning, Clifford is now a Ten Foot Property Damage Suit come to life, made Worse by the Strict Super, Mr Packard coming to fix the Dishwasher and we get to see Jack Whitehall doing what he'll do from now on: Being Mauled by CGI.

......

THIS IS A TALENTED AWARD WINNING STANDUP COMEDIAN, AND BEING THROWN AROUND IS ALL HE DOES FOR THE REST OF THIS FILM!

They Avoid revealing Clifford to the Super (For now!), But Emily Convinces Casey they need to see a vet. After all, what If continues Growing, which makes Casey make a face like he just met Damian in the Omen. 

Emily is worried about taking Clifford out in the open, But Casey points out that, People in New York are so up themselves they don't notice anything. As Evidenced by a man on a phone, literally jumping 3 leather belts tied together to lead a 10 foot Bright Fire Engine Red Dog! Now if they got in his way it would be a different Story!

"HEY WHATSAMATTERYOU, YOU WANNA  ROLL-UP SPORTS PAGES UP YA CORNHOLE, YA MOOK? I'M WALKIN' 'ERE!"

Until Owen and A few onlookers actually do see Clifford being put into Casey's U-Haul, Owen is picked up like a Toy and is now here for the ride, So Emily tells him to keep him a secret!

.....Which won't be kept, because in a park Those Giant Plastic Balls you can ride in are Bouncing in Clifford's Line of Vision! It's time for some Reckless Endangerment! 

Despite nearly KILLING A MAN! There are People with Smartphones, pointing and Laughing at the Kaiju Sized Eldrich Horror in their Midst! Then the Dog Pisses on Jack Whitehall, just because!

Meanwhile at Lyfegro Genetics (a Subsidiary of Obviously Evil, Incorporated!) Zac Terran, a Balding Version of the Zuck, is Looking at his Genetic Experiments to make food Bigger, not to feed the Poor, but to make money! Despite Creating Giant Eggs, they break on Contact, and 2 headed goats and Militarized Sheep are not want he asked for.

Oh no! A Big Corporation made something Dangerous, that rarely happens in American companies that may have partial Government funding! 

So as you may have Guessed, and me telling you previously, but this is our Villain, a man who wants to capture and Experiment non Clifford to make Giant Food for already  Fat 'Muricans and his already Fat Wallet.

"Mammy, What's Capitalism?"

Just to remind that this is a film tied to a Book for Preschoolers, who have no idea what's going on!

Speaking of having no idea, the Vet (Played by Kenan Thompson) Surmises that despite being a 10 foot Bright red Dog, his teeth and heart are that of a healthy animal. Emily is kind of sad that there is no cure for her pet.

At the Reception desk, woman behind it (all the while her Doctor is being "Hounded"  by Clifford for Treats.) Regales Emily with stories of other animals, From an introvert who bought a positive reinforcement spouting Parrot, to a Wheelchair bound women who walked Again thanks to a Massage Giving Monkey!

Lady, I'm sure what you are telling me uplifting stories and the only bit of exposition in the  whole film, but I think your boss is being Murdered!

Also, why does the Receptionist know about Bridwell and not The Doctor, Would Have saved on Actors and given Kenan better lines!

Owen realized that Since Bridwell was using the The School Grounds to host the adoption drive, he must have given an Address for the school to contact him. Meanwhile at Lyfegro, Terran orders his men to Shoot Microchips that when scanned, will announce that Clifford is his Property.

I Don't think that's how Property works!

Also of Course Being the Zuck, Terran Uses Social Media to stalk People, He now knows where Emily Elizabeth Howard lives, also I didn't know she had a Last name, I always thought It was Elizabeth!

Owen and Casey break into the School Reception to try and find Mr Bridwell, Meanwhile, Terran Bribes Mr Packard and he learns from the Zuck that the Howard Family indeed have a dog. Clifford had Gotten loose from the U-Haul and tracking Emily's scent to school, Where Emily is Buying a Dozen a hot dogs to feed him, only for the Bully who called her a Foodstamper is at it again! When Clifford arrives, after Emily accidentally hits Florence with ketchup. The sight of the now famous dog make Emily Popular. Florence calls them Both Freaks, But Clifford bring a dumb animal licks Florence and she runs off when she is Laughed at.

When the Howards return, Mr Packard has Evicted Them. However the Husband of the Paralegal Couple gets into a spot of bother putting up a Satellite Dish and would have fallen to his death, if Clifford hadn't saved him. The Block Celebrates  (And I'm sure saving a Lawyer's life, will come in handy later on!)

Owen learns that while Bridwell didn't divulge an address, he told the school he was not going to be available tomorrow since he is going to be at A Hospital. But Casey tells Emily that getting her home back is more important. On cue, Terran turns up claiming Ownership of Clifford. Quicker than you can say Magic Beans Casey sells Clifford to Musc Zuckerbezos! Emily sees through Terran's lies so he just orders his stooge to shot the Microchip into Clifford, which causes the Kaiju Canine to bolt.

Owen and Emily use Casey's van to chase Clifford but So do Lyfegro Goons. In Chicago, Emily's school gives her mother a courtesy call since she hasn't being in school today!  Wait, a whole day passed between coming home from school to now? Where were they if a whole schoolday passed between getting home and now?

Owen Lets Clifford and the Howards Stay in his penthouse, which given that he goes to an elite prep school like Emily, but she is on scholarship, makes sense that his family is minted! Casey gets a phone call from her Sister and yeah, they made national news so of course, she is pissed off!

Meanwhile Terran Has Got the police involved, after all he can claim that Clifford is his genetic Experiment.

Owen's Dad Returns Home-CONVENIENTLY! Owen's family made there money owning a Nature Reserve in Hong Kong!, But with the entire city after Clifford and the microchip claiming Terran owns  him, Putting him on the boat maybe the only way to save him. 

Emily is upset That Clifford is being sent to China without ever finding Bridwell, Casey gives it one more day, If they can't find Bridwell, Clifford is on that Boat to China, No Excuses!

While Checking the Hospital for Bridwell,  Owen is left to guard Clifford, who Escapes after the dog Farts and Owen opening the Van door for air (Because HURDUR KIDZ TINK FARTS R FUNNEH!)And seeing Clifford, and hearing on the big award Muskerbezos put on him, get on there Phones.

In a Hospital Ward. Emily sees an Orderly carrying a Box of Bridwell's Clothes and an Empty Bed. The Patient beside it tells Emily the bad news...

John Cleese Doesn't Get Paid by the Hour....Also Bridwell is Dead! To make things worse the Police are chasing Clifford Down. But there is no choice but to send Clifford to Hong Kong!

But this is not the end!

Emily has made the news as New York tears itself up looking for The Big Red Dog!

So Turns out the patient beside the guy who said Bridwell was dead Did not meet Bridwell. As the Patient Forward the email for the Memorial of a black Man. Bridwell has sprang up online again this time in Central Park Tomorrow morning! But there is Bad News, the Boat to China was Intercepted by the Coastguard and Clifford is Captured by Lyfegro, so the Entire Block goes to Save Clifford!

OK, so 2 Lawyers may be handy in this venture, but A Magician, 2 clerks from a Grocery Store (One of them Handicapible,) and the live action Version of the Russian Granny from Madagascar, NOT SO MUCH!

So lets Finish this!

Turns out the Paralegals are useless when you are as Rich as Terran as he gets Security to throw them out when they accuse him of his crimes on camera, Magic Mack tries to pick a lock, but gets flustered enough he throws a smoke bomb, which causes a safety override to open all door in Lyfegro, including the one guarding  the Militarized Sheep,Which the Russian Granny tames with Singing and Condensed Milk!

Would you believe there is no clip or image of the MST3K "This Makes No Sense and Yet It's Working" Clip online?

Security arrives with A Taser, which Pedro Blocks with his plastic Hand, But Jose punches the security out with one Punch "He has a Plastic Hand, But I have a Real One!"

Okay that Line was Good!

Emily Finds Clifford prepped on an Operating table and Fears the Worst, Until the Big Lug wakes up. Emily on the Back Of Clifford, with an army of Militarized Sheep in Tow (See, the Fact you made more than One, Meant you were up to some shit!), Casey gets on Tv to explain what really happened, as His Sister has returned to New York is heading there by taxi. Emily finds Bridwell in Manhattan, he explains he gifted a friend a suit so he looked good for his own Funeral, and reiterates that Love makes Clifford big, and you cannot take love back, The Police Circle the Park, And Bridwell tells Emily that if she wants to be heard, She has to Speak!

One Decent Filibuster later and Everyone is on side, even Mr Packard, In comes the Zuck to remind people that the fact of life is "I'M RICH, YOU'RE POOR, FUCK YOU!"

The Police scan Clifford for the Microchip, Which Exclaims Emily as the true owner of Clifford, Causing Zuck to runaway on foot and Bridwell to imply he changed the Read-out of the chip by Magic, which is something he could have done this whole time.....

And So Mr Packard has a change of heart, and the Howards can return to their home, Casey gets a job and Clifford gets to live in a Block sized Kennel in NYC.

APART FROM THE MEMES THIS FILM IS OKAY!

Lets get all the Good out of the way first, the Story is Gentle, the moral of Standing up for yourself and those weaker comes out strong and Darby Camp, who plays Emily maybe a star in the next few years.

But you can't Avoid the Big Red Dog in the Room.

But enough has being said about it, so lets move on to the other bad in this film, Not Jack Whitehall himself, But WHY is he here? I'm sure he was tempted to break America,but I would have loved to be a fly on that Particular wall during the contract arrangements

"OK Jack, we love your Stand-up especially your Joke about you and your girlfriend stopping short in a hotel pool, that we all agreed, THAT GUY NEEDS TO BE A PUNCHING BAG FOR A GIANT MUTANT DOG!"

-I DON'T KNOW...

YOU GET TO SAY BOLLOCKS IN A KIDS FILM!

-DEAL!

also the whole Greedy Capitalist Plot, I know you need a plot so even the parents don't roll their eyes too much, but the thing is, DO WE NEED A GOOD VS EVIL PLOT....for this Film? You had a Ready made Plot, You have a giant Dog and a Pet-Hating Super, you have lots to work with already and yet you go with Balding Zuckerberg analogy who makes Funny faces. And the Ending is An Ass Pull, though giving the 92 minute run time, the Target audience would have being asleep by then!

Though the film is decent and pleasant enough, there is enough slapstick violence and the utterance of a swear word to makes it a film you don't want to put on without Adult Supervision!

NEXT MONTH, IT'S WHAT EVERY CHILD DOESN'T WANT, A TOY TIE-IN WITH CELEBRITY VOICES SO THE PARENTS CAN WATCH ALONG INSTEAD OF DUMPING THEIR KIDS IN THE CINEMA, WHILE THEY GET RAT-ARSED!

BUT FEEL FREE TO DRINK AS MUCH MULLED WINE AS YOU CAN, TO GET THROUGH UGLY DOLLS!

CREDITS

Clifford, the Movie was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -GO TO @REALENLI)

With Media from:

Clifford

Inugami Korone's Youtube Channel

Usada Pekora's Youtube Channel both representing Hololive.

The Simpsons

Star wars

MTS3K

All Media used Belong to there respective owners.

Clifford is Property of Scholastic Publishing and the Estate of Norman Bridwell. And the Film was Produced By Paramount, All Rights Reserved.

HALLOWEEN SPECIAL 2022: BATTLESTAR WARS

 Once Upon a Time...

In a Galaxy Far Far Away....

So Far In Fact, That Disney could not send out any of their Lawyers!

So we Open with a Non-Copyrighted Text Scrawl BLAH BLAH BLAH Evil Coalition of Planets BLAH BLAH BLAH Rebel Scum BLAH BLAH BLAH Secret planet destroying Weapon!

We Truly open with Generic 3D Ships with one boarded by the other after it was reported stolen by the Coalition. The thief, who tries to run is arrested by this Amalgamation of the Jedi and Stormtrooper costumes, The Rebel, Shoots the control pad to crash the ship! The Coalition agent requests back up but is refused. The Rebel, Corbrine, tells him that the Coalition has lied to the Paladins for Eons.

The Storm-Jedis are called "Paladins"

"WHAT'S A PALADIN?"

The Rebels want a planet free of war. A planet hidden and spoken in Legend. The Paladin exclaims there is no such planet in this Sector!

And here is where we get the "Battlestar" in BATTLESTAR WARS!

The Hidden Planet is Earth.

The Rebel Pleads his case, but the paladin tries to request his terms of surrender, but the orders are kill Rebels on Sight. This makes the Paladin Sacrifice himself as he tells Corbrine to take as many Refugees he can and put them on his ship to get to planets surface, The ship explodes with a force Effect also descending to Earth.

Title Drop and so does my Expectations. As the screen tells us that this is a film by the Asylum, World Famous Rip-off Merchants!

2 years later.

The Same Rebel, has embarked onto a bigger ship, manned by a female Captain called Ajax, who thinks Corbrine is getting sloppy delivering Supplies to Haven, as Earth is called here! Ajax has a Chewbacca, or rather, a low Budget Chewbacca as a Muscleman wearing Chewie's Bandolier and a Viking Beard Growls his line that he is A Novak, a warrior race with no naming conventions who Once killed 2000 of his Kind to prove worthy of joining the Rebels.

Meanwhile on the Coalition ship, (not that you can tell, they use 4 sets in all and both ship quarters and bridge for both sides are the exact same 2 sets) We meet our real Hero, Princess Reystara (yes Really,) who fixes her android called Helper, is the C3PO of this world, because she has a British Accent! She can also teleport, a special Effect done to death. She is also an android, not a robot, because it saves on Costumes!

Reystara has a Secret, but since this is a star wars rip-off, they Spare us what it is, when a Cross between Boba Fett and Baldrick from Blackadder tells her that her father requires to see her.

The Empire has being Searching for  Haven as Not-Boba meets with Lord Malicesaur, a John Barrowman look alike in a red Bathrobe. (Yes, I can see that his name is Different, but in the film, They pronounce it As "Malicesaur", because no one is professional at all, to commit to the piece, even if it's garbage!)

You know what?

 Lord Malicesaur is too cool a name for a yob like you, you are Lord Bathrobe from now on! Also the ship is manned by other Helpers. It saves on hiring more actors.

Corbrine and Ajax argue about the events of the opening scene, how a Thousand refugees were left to die, because they were caught by a Paladin, and Ajax did Nothing with the Freighter he now stands in. So Corbrine invites Ajax to Haven, who believes she killed the Paladin and she was feeling guilty of it. So she asks why she is given this second chance.

Corbrine tells her that they found a Miracle Do-Everything Material called Mana, But they can't Retrieve it all on their Meager Ships, which is why they need a Freighter. And with it, they can trade Mana to turn haven from a backwater planet to a Real Civilization.  

But it turns out Ajax and her Crew have turned Traitor. Meanwhile Lord Bathrobe tells Baldrick Fett to fetch his daughter to watch Daddy Work. But Reystara sends a hologram Of her as she and Helper plan there Escape. Baldrick Fett Exposits that she must be A little sad her Home planet is to be Destroyed or she hasn't targeted him in pranks out of  Passive Aggression, so he doesn't notice that the Hologram doesn't emote.

If her Actress did, she would be over qualified for this gig!

Reystara and Her Helper Unit use an Escape Pod to get to Haven, Lord Bathrobe sends a hammy speech to the people of Haven and tells his Scruffy robed Toady, Zelus (YES, REALLY!) to Set a Blockade around the planet, no ships in or out!

Ajax and Novak rob Corbrine blind of his mana, So Reystara and Helper, using a voice changer to sound like Bathrobe,to fake an official arrest to rescue the rebels. Reystara tells the rebel Leader who's side she's on but warns that The Coalition army is looming, Corbrine tells the princess that they don't have an army! The rebels are Orphans, widows, farmers, at best a few weapon smugglers, but none that can compete with the Coalition's Army. But they do have the Paladin, the only trouble is the Paladins swear undying loyalty to the Coalition. And he is in hypersleep after the Fight they had 2 years ago.

Distracted by Malicesaur, Ajax is told that he gave no such order to his daughter, Our 3 heroes retrieve Corbrine's Ship to return to Haven.

They Dock in an Abandoned Ship in an Asteroid belt to retrieve the Paladin from his pod, but he's still a little tender from his injuries.

Denz, to give his name, does know everyone and trusts Corbrine, though he does state he is an idiot, But doesn't fully extend his trust to Reystara, as out of his serfdom, he claims she is a traitor! He still wants to turn Corbrine In, But Reystara's Influence makes her able to override all of Denz' Weapons and traps! As a pod drops down to Haven Containing Ajax's Crew.

Reystara tells Denz peace was never an option, if her father sent an army to capture one ship. Bathrobe is surprised a Paladin is still alive, (Because lets add World-building as we go along!)

Zelus and Denz have a Dogfight so intense, Denz drops his English Accent for a Swedish One!

Meanwhile Ajax Sends Goons to kill Corbrine who get easily Killed.

So Reystara and Denz are on Haven, and like Luke and Obi-wan Before them they try to convince the other that The Emperor can be reason with.

Darth Vader was Disfigured and lost everyone he loved and Trusted because of his Ambition and his own actions to carry out said ambitions, he is a Vulnerable shell of a man covered in a cold unfeeling, terrifying facade-"He is more Machine Than Man"

Lord Bathrobe is a guy who looks like John Barrowman in his Dressing room spouting lines like he's doing Shakespeare in a Community Theatre  

THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

A few Lasers Shoot at Denz' Shield as Restraya finds a Few Child Actors who run off on Cue. The Rebel Ships fly off leaving Corbrine to be Captured by Novak. As Zelus Retrieves some kind of Paladin Weapon, which he tells Denz he stole from the many Paladins he killed, Denz is the last of their kind, seems like the Paladins caught wind of how oppressive the Coalition became and was wiped out in a coup 2 years ago. He also tells Reystara he killed her Mother for being a Pointwoman for the Rebels. They go to have a fight, but Helper teleports them away.

Back on Corbrine's Ship, Helper and the others set Coordinates to Ajax' Freighter. Denz doesn't trust the Pirates out of Principal and because they Betrayed them already! But instead of Rescuing Corbrine, they plan on Negotiating with her instead. But that might be off the table with  Corbrine having a bomb stuck to his chest. They get Thrown into a brig, but they forget about Helper, who Finds Corbrine and deactivates the bomb

When Ajax tries and Squeeze more Money out of Lord Bathrobe, he gets even more Huffy, and so Ajax Turns face more times than the Big Show! Helper Teleports to give Denz his Sword back to kill some Extras and Beats up Novak like a little Bitch!

So his Brag of killing 2000 of his kind now feels like bragging about killing a box of kittens if he is easily one shot by a Middle-aged Man with Broken Ribs!

The Pirates are Captured by the Coalition and made to talk, But Novak refuses and Requests his freedom via Trial By Combat. Zelus Exposists that Novak are a clone race bred as soldiers who Use Mass Slaughter to prove worthy of a leader-The fact that Novak has not Committed Ritual Suicide proves Ajax is still alive.

The Rebels Returns to Haven and Reystara is Knocked by Ajax doing her 1000th Betrayal in this film. Waking up Corbrine Shows Reystara to a cave where inside they show her the thing they are all fighting for- Pure Mana, a literal Final Fantasy Life Stream in a Cave. If the Coalition gets all this, all life is forfeit. 

Now to Tack on more Lore.

So All this Time, Reystara had Necklace made of Pure Mana, Which Corbrine calls a Traveler's Trinket, It can share a Memory and it can be seen as a video and Lo and Behold, they Recreate Leia's Message to Obi Wan, They even put an Actress in a Composite Costume of all the Costumes and Hair Styles Carrie Fisher Wore! And It's Solely Here to tie up loose Ends!

Denz Teleports behind Zelus to Ambush him, but the reentry causes him to Collapse, So Zelus Refuses to fight him, so instead blasts Haven's Abandoned Warehouse District with his Drones! 

Reystara and Corbrine who were knocked out by the Blast, wake to Smoke alarms, the Humans stagger to safety while Helper says she will hold off any intruders!

Zelus and Denz are ready to Fight, But Lord Bathrobe fires a Tractor Beam as Denz as  Zelus is returned to the Ship, where all our heroes have being captured off-screen! Reystara calls Zelus a Murderer who...Force Chokes her....BECAUSE WHY NOT?, LETS JUST STEAL EVERYTHING!

Lord Bathrobe gloats how very Smart and Very Evil he is as Zelus Force chokes Haven's Security codes out of Corbrine. As the Coalition starts extracting the core out of Haven.

So Lets Wrap this up!

Corbrine is Put in the Brig with the Pirates, Denz is Put in his Hypersleep pod where his protests wakes up a knocked out Ajax. Helper frees the prisoners and Reystara for one final attack. Because of all the Mana Ajax stole, Denz can boost his weapons, he teleports as Zelus goes to kill Reystara, but it's her who kills him as she shoots him through an airlock. Lord Bathrobe confesses to the Murder of his wife, So to his daughter, which he vows to kill like any other rebel. Rip-off X-wings blasts Generic 3d Spaceships (X-wings they shouldn't Have because they are supposed to be Farmers and Orphans!) The Core of the planet has Entered Space, But a Spaceship at Ramming speed can put the core back in place. Denz Volunteers to crash the Freighter into the Mana, But Since Helper is not Human, she has no qualms about sacrificing her non existent life.

And So the film ends with our Heroes with Our heroes Posing and vowing to take Down the Coalition as Ships and Meteors crash behind them.

"WE DID IT! WE SAVED HAVEN!"

As it turns out Zelus Is Shown to be Still alive in some Sequel Bait!

THIS IS A FILM BY THE ASYLUM! OF COURSE IT SUCKS!

Noone Actors! Free Use sfx! A Script stolen by a much better film! How do these Clowns Keep getting Away with this shit? But the Real Annoyance is That some characters have informed attributes, Zelus claims that Reystara has a sense of Humour that he is Victim of, well, Show us! Have her make Puns and one liners and snappy comebacks to the Enemies. Novak Is a from a Culture breed for Combat, whose Culture contains Unyielding Fealty and Ritual Slaughter of weaker Clones. Expand on that! But No, it's a 1 hour film, and the Asylum needs to film 5 more ripoffs before the day is over!

CREDITS

Battlestar Wars was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -@REALENLI)

with Media from;

Battlestar Wars

Spongebob

The Spoony Experiment

Breaking Bad.

Battlestar Wars was created by the Asylum (And i use the term Created Loosely!) All Rights Reserved all Media used Belong to there Respective owners!

NEXT MONTH...

It is the Traditional Post-Halloween Pre-Christmas Dump! Where Tv Stations throw up there Hands and show Non-Christmas Family films that could be Unintentional Nightmare Fuel! Like my next review!-CLIFFORD THE BIG RED CGI MONSTROSITY....I MEAN DOG! 

Eamonn Reviews Last Night in Soho

 The Decay Of A Dream.

Chapter 2.

Extracting the Past, growing the Future.

Days Past when Sabaru casted her seemingly innocent Sycamore like seeds onto the Planet Earth, but these seeds from the Hope Message in the night Sky Above will bring Terror.  Including one outside Joe-Jack's House, slap dab in the Cemetery that was his front Garden

Piercing the Ground below, the Propellers aligned  to become an Archimedes Screw. As the shaft turned, rubble, Topsoil, gravestones, wood and organic material, Nothing was Safe  from the Industrious Aliens, and it wasn't just here.

All over the world each continent, had a seed each.

New York City  was in a state of panic, Skyscrapers smacked by the Rotating Devices, Machu Picchu toppled after Centuries, Africa was going through a mass Extinction Event, as animals too were swept away or slaughtered before making their way to the top of the drilling Apparatus, as it slowly descended to Ground Level. In Asia, the Ring of Fire was made more volatile, as seawater and Lava, was Extracted. A stone throws away, all of Sydney, was Crushed by the Sycamore Seed. Contact to the Ground Zero was made Impossible by the media, who presumed that all were Dead! More Disheartening one was Tearing up the Ice floes of the Antarctic!

When all was over and done with, The 7 seeds had rooted pardon the Pun with a stalk/ hilt on ground level, that lead to the most Surreal thing yet!

Pffffft!

That Sound heralded from the stalks, what could only be described as Giant Lungs, that was undulating in a steady Rhythm. What will be the end result of the contents, I wonder?

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

WARNING!

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS REVIEW, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18! EVEN SO, READER'S DISCRETION IS ADVISED! 

This has being the year of Cover art on this site, we have had our Share of the worst and Best in the year of 2022.

This is just Gorgeous!

Thomasin McKenzie's Shocked Face, Bathed in The red and Blue Seedy Light's of the Eponymous London District, Looks Ethereal and Otherworldly. Underneath, Anya Taylor-Joy's Blue Toned Platinum Blonde Hair, Contrasts with the Red of her Lipstick and Bra Strap, giving her a lively appearance, as opposed to The Blue Tone of a Sharply dressed, Seemingly cold-blooded Matt Smith, a contrast to the smiling Figure of him walking Down a Flight of Stairs with a Transformed Thomasin, While on the left staircase, Thomasin and Anya are standing next to each other as Negatives of themselves are placed further up the stairs to denote how both Women will slowly lose themselves. And finally Anya Dancing in a Cobalt Blue Dress Under a Harsh White Spotlight makes her presence seem Ghostly!

We Start in Quirky Fashion, With Eloise Turner (McKenzie), Dancing in a Newspaper Print Dress to Sixties Records, Entering Her Bedroom, which is a Shrine to The Swinging Decade. Eloise has Dreams of Being a Designer as she imagines herself being interviewed on the red Carpet, in her Silliness she knocks over a Picture of her and her Late Mother, In the Mirror, the spirit of the woman stands behind her and she asks it, "DO YOU HAVE GOOD NEWS?" Before a voice tells her that she has Post. Her Grandmother hands her a letter and Nervously, Eloise Opens it. And it's good news, She has Being Accepted to a Fashion Course in London.

Ellie packs everything but the Kitchen Sink, Eloise's Nanny wants her to have a Picture of Her and her Ellie's Mother from their Trip to London, she Implies Eloise's Mam died in London and that all the Turner Women can see Beyond! But Eloise Lies to her Nanny about seeing Her mother's Spirit recently.

On her Long Trip from Cornwall to London, Eloise takes a Cab, to Charlotte Street, Passing London monuments like Eros and the Red Light District of Soho

The Cab Driver asks what she does for a living, when she say Fashion Student, her Driver Turns Lecherous by saying she could pass off as a model with her Shapely Legs, as she gets Uncomfortable!

Well, as a man, I would always take a lecherous cabby over a Racist one, since a lecherous cabby would not talk to you about their Racist Diatribes or Tinfoil hat Ramblings! Or at all if you are a man!

But the Driver Just Doesn't read the room-Car-WHATEVER! And continues to make Eloise squirm, So she asks to be dropped at a shop to buy a single can of Coke to get away from him, who parks before giving up!

Trundling her luggage up some Steps, she is stopped by a man eating an orange, the other character from the cover, so of course he is important! He offers to take her Bag, but Eloise Refuses his help! She meets her Roommate, a pretentious Snobby Cow called Jocasta, who, given the medium we are in, and since she is both the first person we meet, and a Snobby Bitch, is Either Gonna be the Sakaya or the Togami of this film.

And if you get that Reference, you are a Legend!

So Jocasta is a real Brown Noser, only Befriending People to learn their Weaknesses, almost comparing Lifes, like someone Would play a game of Top Trumps, with Eloise having a more tragic childhood than Jocasta, Eloise never knew her father, and her mother committed suicide when she was seven. I think Jocasta may use that fact against her if and when she is doing better than her.

Because Jocasta has Marked all the Food in the Fridge as hers, The Students go into town, Eloise is hit on by a Stupid Haircut influencer looking Motherfucker, as the Man Eating An Orange looks on, Eloise leaves as The Floppy Fringed Fuckwit Fabricates Frigidity Falsehoods!

As she goes Downstairs to a pub, she is Followed by Terrance Stamp, who at first she thinks is a Ghost in a Mirror. She Collects her Thoughts in a Toilet Cubicle, Jocasta enters the other cubicle with the others and talks smack about her.

On the way Home, Eloise sees that she is being followed by Terrence Stamp, who smiles at her and leaves.

Eloise's Sleep is interrupted by Jocasta having a one night stand, as the other students host a house party as Eloise covered in her duvet sits in disbelief with her headphones, another millennial pissant gets in her personal space, takes off her headphones and calls her taste in Music "Granny Shit"

This coming from the Generation that had a Fishlipped Collegen Disaster who couldn't wait for Elton John to DIE TO RUIN HIS SONGS!

Also, i didn't know what POO-POO LUPUS Called her Rip off! i just Googled "Dua Lipa Elton John Rip-off!" And found it!

 

So the man eating an Orange Runs him off and finally introduces himself as John (Michael Ajao), But he has took her can of coke by accident, and she just tells him to have it! 

The next morning and Ellie is late for class, turns out John is taking the same course as her. She has had enough so she finds an ad for a bedsit in Soho, but it has being dropped on the floor. NEVER A GOOD SIGN!

The Bedsit is a Former Flophouse, owned by a Mrs Collins (Diana Rigg, one of her last roles before her death, an Icon of the Sixties in her own right!) Exposits that she use to be a cleaner here in its Glory days (Though, that might be the wrong word!), Ellie tells her what she would give to be there first hand, but Mrs Collins, seems to know better.

After making a Midnight Flit from the dorm, Eloise moves in that night, she has Trouble sleeping with the French Bistro  lights on, so she puts on a record and returns to bed, and into a dream Sequence of London's Swinging Past.

She Enters the French Bistro and a Maitre D asks to take "her cloak" And we now see in the Mirror, Not Eloise, But Sandie,(Taylor-Joy) A Platinum Blonde Woman on a Mission, As Eloise had Put on a Cilla Black Record as she fell asleep, She in the Mirror is seeing Sandie attending a Concert by the very woman.

After Blowing off a Creep (Which, in a Nice Touch, played by the same actor who was the Taxi Driver!) Sandie Goes to the Bar to apply as a Singer here at the Bistro De Paris, the Barman tells Sandie it's Jack (Matt Smith) that does the hiring!

Sandie turns on the Charm, And when Jack Asks her If she can Dance, she leads him to the floor and more and less Seduces him. Because Eloise is having this vision, the dance is shot in close to Matt Smith, Meaning every time Anya Steps out of Frame, Thomasin dances in to take her place and Vice Versa. When the Creep arrives for a dance and Jack tells him to take a hike, He calls Sandie a Whore, which Jack responses by punching him so hard, the Cabby in the Future probably felt it!

Jack and Sandie make Out next to a Mirror Where even Jack's reflection is making out with Eloise, Both women look at each like they aware of the other, as Cohorts of the Creep chase the two as they roll into a Black Cab.

So Sandie is Driven home which happens to be the The House and the room Eloise now Resides in.

Inspired by the very vivid vision she just had, The next morning at design class, Eloise Draws Sandie and the dress she was wearing. John sees the Drawing and asks her if it's a "Self Portrait"

Jocasta being the character in a horror film you wish would die, sees her art book full of Pictures of the vision. Implying Eloise is a lesbian, when she finds a hickey on her neck, clearly Inspiration was not the only thing she got last night!

Spurred by her new Muse, Eloise Blows off John's plans of a date, so she could lose her virginity via Ghost Sex! Actually it's to live vicariously in the 60s through Sandie, but you know the score, really!

But she is not so Lucky, (And Neither are the Audience!) the next dream/vision is Jack hiring an entire Theatre out after opening hours so His boss could audition her! Jack's Boss is not impressed, not that Jack cares. As soon as the two attempt to get it on, Eloise's Alarm goes off! Feeling Sandie's Confidence well in her, Ellie Dyes her Hair Blonde and Wears it like Sandie,As her Grandmother video calls her, feeling worried that she didn't recognize her! She Continues to work on the dress Sandie wore, getting her passing Marks, While Buying a White Jacket, She finds the Building that was the Theatre in her Dream still exists. The shop tells her how much the Jacket is, so to afford anything in the Future, Eloise applies for a job at a pub, including a cameo by Pauline Mclynn,

Oh look!

The only Irish Person in a film about London and she owns a Pub!

I never would have guessed(!)

(Sigh)

You are lucky this film has this rep, or the Racist Alarm would automatically fail this film.

 ....Which the Audience is shown ahead of time that it's The regular Haunt of Terrance Stamp's Character! Who Stares at the girl like he recognizes her!

Stamp Follows her, Asking her who her Mother was, No Doubt thinking she's related to Sandie in someway. When Eloise tells him she's dead, his response of "Women Like HER, usually are!" Unnerves her to the point she is nearly ran over!

It's Night Again and Eloise goes to bed Putting on a Record to see what happened Next!

And when she Comes to, she is The only Woman in an Audience of Old Men, Jack at the Bar. The Curtain Opens and to Reveal a Floor-show, With Sandie Duped into being a Stripper and looking very Pissed about it!

The Floorshow is based on the Sandy Shaw song Puppet On A String, Sandie is dressed like a wind up doll, the Lyrics make reference to winding up and pulled Strings as Jack is Schmoozing with Dodgy looking Geezers!

With No Real Control, Eloise wants to leave, but her Vision is leading her to Sandie's Dressing room, Pissed off Further and Wanting to leave, Jack knocks on the door and Sandie smashes her Mirror, Causing Eloise to take Sandie's Place First hand to see  what would happen next. And it's Not Pretty.

Jack is Pimping Sandie Out!

She/They is/are trying to escape but Eloise's/Sandie's Struggle becomes a Fever dream of Depravity, all the while Jack, repeats the Phrase "Everyone Does It!" Scrambling for an exit, we see a younger Mrs Collins pointing the way out, leading to her room back in the past, in what would be her bed, A Prone Sandie, Is Covered in Blankets as The Punter walks out Undressing, as Jack's mocking voice says this is just a taste of things to come. As Eloise wakes In a cold sweat! Only for the Punter to grab her Hand, this time she wakes for real!

After what she just witnessed, Ellie feels nothing but Repulsion for the Dress she is working on in class (With Jocasta Being a Bitch!) John and her teachers are worried, John even going to her Shift at the pub to tell her he's there if she needs Someone to talk to.

OH GOD!

He's the Confidant!

I just hope John is a Kirigiri, Not a Chiaki!

Gran Calls and she can tell that something is wrong, Gran tells her that even if she's a Country Girl in the Big City, She has nothing to prove and it's good to ask for help. She hangs up as Stamp's Character hovers over her, Eloise asks him what his deal is and he only answers it's his duty to know every pretty girl in London, he hands Eloise a Piece of Paper she had Dropped, and takes his leave. The Manager's Son tells us he has a Nickname- "Mr Handsy". Apparently he was a Ladies man back in the day.

The Manager of the Pub Doesn't believe in Ghosts, but she does believe in what is a plot point to the Visions, the idea of Latent Energy, as she believes that when the pub is empty, she still hears the Echoes of the Boisterous times in its long History, Seemingly what has being Happening to Eloise Room and the Surrounding Buildings.

With a Heavy mind and her steps full of trepidation, Eloise Goes to her Room, when her Record player Starts Playing by itself, the Door Swings Open and the Memory of Jack drags Eloise into Sandie's First Night of Turning Tricks! The Repetition of Dancing and Small talk with Punters who tell her she has a lovely name, every time she gives a false name, all of them beginning with "A" 

.... put it to one side for now! 

And worse still as the weeks go on,  Sandie is becoming desensitized by it all, in the end she is just flopping on the dancefloor, not that putting effort into dancing will change the outcome!

In a moment of Clarity, she sees Mrs Collins shaking her head in Disgust. At a Booth, A man asks for her Real Name, Sandie reckons her new "Client" is a copper, who implores "Alex" to get out while she can, but the young woman is defeated, so the Policeman tells her if she can look in the mirror she will know what to do, that's when Eloise in the Reflection bangs on the mirror, she has some control of what happens so if she would reach her, she may change the Future, as she bangs repeatedly on the mirror to tell her to look at her, the Mirror Shatters as Eloise reaches her arms out to Hug her!

...But The Dream ends there!

And into an Nightmare, As the Collective Spirits Of the Faceless Punters Shifting from Shape and Size, Undress, all Featureless, all Repulsive, All repeating the Phrase "That's A lovely Name!" Eloise is Momentarily Transfixed, Before Running out of the room, and Checking if the Faceless Man are still there, only to see A Legion of them when she turns around!

Desperate for a Release, Eloise Jumps at the chance to go as John's Date at the Student Union Halloween Party. 

It's Halloween Party in A Horror Film, the hero is Bullied and the Bullies are dressed as the Craft Girls.

All that's Missing is A Bucket Of Pig's Blood and Margaret White screaming "THERE GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!"

Sure Enough, Jocasta has Slipped LSD into their Drinks and Drugs and Psychic Powers go together like Oil and Water , causing her to see Ghosts more Vividly, as she runs out in the rain, John catches Up to her! In a Right State, Ellie, Just Breaks Down about hating being like this, But John likes Ellie, they Kiss and he Proposes to take this somewhere else, But Mrs Collins Doesn't allow Male Visitors....SO THEY HAVE TO BE EXTRA QUIET!

As they Make out Eloise sees in a Ceiling Mirror which is no longer there, what happens next, Jack Killing Sandie. As She Starts Screaming, "GET OFF HER!" Mrs Collins is Awakened and Suspicious of John as he runs Past! Seeing the Vicious Memory of Jack Stabbing Sandie Repeatedly, while on the Come down from LSD, Mrs Collins grabs John and Throws him out! Eloise does see one thing in the frenzied attack, Sandie got one hit in, scarring Jack's Face.

Mrs Collins, tells her they will talk about this in the morning! 

Yeah I'm Sure you have a lot of explaining to do!

...Except Mr Collins is still too Coy about the History of the house, even when that History includes Rape and Murder! Though the fact that she is not kicking Eloise out means she will be more Forthcoming in the future

(Nervous Laughter)

But Ellie is now at a low, Jocasta is still a Bitch, John is keeping a wide Berth, and after seeing a Murder, she see Sandie Everywhere, covered in blood, she runs into the streets seeing only the Faceless men, Hundreds of them, Thousands! She Bumps into "Mr Handsy" but she sees Jack! She goes into a Police Station to report an Unsolved Crime, 60 years ago of a women, who she never learned her Surname, Because of a Psychic Dream

The Police's Reaction?

However, a Police Psychologist, does tell her that if the murder was real, they need Evidence, something more Concrete. So Sandie goes to the Archives to uncover 6 decades of Missing Persons. Only to find that More MEN than women were reported missing, but even then, no mention of a Sandie! John is More Supportive, after Ellie tells him everything, (John Explaining that coming from a Devout Jamaican family, has made him open minded to such things!), As he tracks down more files, the faceless men Attack Sandie and it now causes Physical pain, So Eloise Gets the courage to stand up for herself, Grabs A scissors to Stab her Attacker!, but John stops her, only for Ellie to now see Jocasta Bricking It!

THERE'S YOUR RESOLUTION, FOLKS!

But Being the Bitch she is, Jocasta Pulls a Do you Know Who I Am? That opens a more Violent Can of Worms, Eloise Following Sandie, and grabbing her, only to reveal a second Scared Eloise that Pushes her into a Puddle!

She sees "Mr Handsy" in her mad dash. It had lead her to the pub And inside She confronts Him, recording him on her phone, making small talk about the past, before Accusing him of Murder , he barges into the street. Indignant that he is being named in killing Sandie, he tells Eloise that "Being Alex" killed Sandie, and if she her again, tell her from him to burn in Hell, before a cab runs him over, killing him instantly! Carole (Mclynn) tells us his name is DI Lynsey, Former Vice Squad, and Not Jack: he was the copper who tried to save Sandie in the past,

Ellie Calls Gran To collect her but John has being running around trying to find her since this Afternoon. John offers to drive Ellie out of London, but she needs to ask Mrs Collins for her Down Payment back, So Mrs Collins let's Eloise in her room, and gives her tea to calm her down, but her tone becomes Colder when she tells her the Police Psychologist came over after Ellie's visit to the police Station. Turns out someone did die in that room- the old Me, she says, as Eloise's eyes dart to some letters on her side table and the Full name of Alexandria Collins

"Sandie"

Okay, so ...okay, I know what you are all thinking!

"But if Mrs Collins was Sandie, then who was the Mrs Collins in the flashbacks?"

Well I have a Theory on that. Mind you it's only that, a Theory!

Assuming that when we see Sandie's Memories we also see parts of her Psyche, Every time we see Mrs Collins, we actually see Sandie's Conscense Manifesting itself to modify her behaviour, it's the only way that could make sense when all 3 are in a scene!

So the twist is, Sandie didn't die that night, Jack did! The visions were not to save Sandie, but to make her Culpable for what she did, even if the Bastard deserved it!

But killing Jack didn't end her problems, as every Former Punter kept coming and so, they had to die too and they with Jack are buried under the floorboards!, (Including, which is why I'm using the image below, David Mitchell!)

 

So Mrs Collins has no Choice, She Had put Sedatives in Poor Eloise's Teacup, after all she's being listening to her, a Naive Girl in the big city, losing her mind with Stress, no wonder she slit her Throat is all what everyone will say before even she is Forgotten about like everyone else who thread this Threshold.

But John , who was told to come in after 10 minutes, comes to the  rescue, but Ellie tries to takes a Butcher's Knife from Mrs Collins but she gets Bitched slapped as the Sedative Does it's nasty Work!

So let's Finish this!

John gets Stabbed, When Ellie gets out of the chair, but John survives! As Ellie crawls up the stairs, the Sedative makes her see Mrs Collins as Sandie Singing to her Menacingly, in the room where John knocked over a Cigarette tray to save Eloise has caught fire. Finding Some Strength to crawl to her room to use the landline, when zombies of the Punters smash through and grab Eloise, but they whisper "help us" to her. Mrs Collins sees the Vision as all the men as they were when they were alive including Jack who calls her a bitch and slaps her,  in her clarity decides to sit on the bed as the fire spreads, killing herself!

Eloise tries to save her, but Mrs Collins now as Sandie tells her to save John instead,  firefighters find them both as the two survivors are carried away in ambulances!

And So we cut to later in the year, Eloise's First Year Fashion Show Exam, With Gran and John in the Audience, Ellie has washed the Dye from her Hair, Everyone Congratulates her After suffering so much, (I guess with the fire and time lapse the bodies were found!) Gran tells Her Granddaughter her mother would be so proud and she sees her Mother's Spirit in the Mirror, and later in the scene, Sandie's.

Last Night In Soho is a Modern Masterpiece!

Thomasin McKenzie may have being wasted in Old, but here without M Shite Shittyfilm, gets to shine, McKenzie Sparkles as the Small town Girl in the big City, her delivery ranging from mousey timidity, to Commanding Presence, the tone shifting abruptly like the Jump Scares, Anya Taylor Joy oozes Sex Appeal as well as danger, as does Matt Smith, Michael Ajao injects enough Humour to lighten the mood of the grim and Gritty Settings and Topics, But it's Diana Rigg, who gives the Performance of her Career, In sadly one of her last roles ever as the Bone Chilling Mrs Collins. Combined with Edgar Wright's triple Threat of Sharp Script, Luscious Cinematography and Expertly timed Direction, then it truly doesn't get better for the new Standard of British Horror!

Yes, it doesn't get better than this....which will be very obvious when we trawl the very worst horror and Sci-fi from Sky for the Halloween Special! 

CREDITS

Last Night In Soho was reviewed, Compiled and Edited, by Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli on Twitter

With Media from:

Last Night In Soho.

The Simpsons

That Mitchell and Webb Look

All media used  belong to there respective Owners!

Last Night In Soho is co-produced by Film4 and Working Title, and Distributed by Universal Studios.

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