TICKET TO HELL: DA BEES R STEALIN R WIMIN!

(The Live action Film Of Ghost In A Shell Starting Scarlett Johansson Hasn't even being Released Yet~! and people are already calling it "Jupiter ASScending 2"!
My Thoughts? I'll just be happy if this was on the Soundtrack!
 https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi6obLetJrMAhXBcRQKHRnhBLgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D15il5mmlpmE&usg=AFQjCNFsBQ7rJFbsT1VGVXiL2KRneIDjKQ&sig2=EdjwYUP6x6G20hsmFhRltg
When we Last Left our Heroes, Eamonn boarded the Train to Hell, to pick up 80's Lad who had invented a weapon, should dark forces venture from other dimensions! Not noticing that The Pimpernel, a hero from an alternate universe has smuggled onto the train!

this is the backdrop to our review, Jupiter Ascending, the story of Jupiter Jones, the most fashionable person on the Breadline! Who is also an Alien Princess, who will be plunged into war tedious debates and ...other things with her Brothers, Gordon Booth And Eddie Redmayne dressed as Pantomine Dames who are invading Earth because they didn't have enough Hugs as children!, especially when she learns (but it's dumbed down 4 different times before she catches on!) that Earth is nothing more than a Secret Slave Colony/Petri Dish for Slave Traders called Splicers!)

Stinger (Sean Bean) explains to Jupiter (Mila Kunis) that Earth was Inhabited By Intelligent Dinosaurs But Humans, From Auron (Jupiter) Planned a Mass Extinction to claim Bagsy on Earth!

So Booth and Redmayne are Saiyins? Wow, I just found to Saiyins That are More Pathetic Than Raditz!

Outside, Gorilla-Man, Knockoff Cable, J-pop Girl and a few Monkey-Squids surround the compound. Stinger also explains that when a Planet's Population exceeds it's needs, It's put on a shortlist for Harvesting (Read: SLAVERY, GENOCIDE, AND DESTRUCTION!) the Bees start to go loco as they sense Danger, Stinger leads Jupiter to safety, Leaving Caine alone to give into his Lupine Instints. Jupiter runs into a corn field that get pblasted into corn circles(heh..heh...) where she is blasted by I Can't Believe It's Not Cable!

Do you know what would get her out of this jam? being Psychically connected to overprotective INCEST/...I Mean insects! THE 1ST ONE COMES LATER! But J-Pop Girl and Gorilla Man kill Not-Cable to share the bounty between them, But Caine hangs onto the spaceship! (somehow werewolves can breathe in Space, and doing it shirtless, isn't fanservice at all, it must mean he wont die of Compression Either!)

Back on Auron/Jupiter, Baliem (Redmayne) whinges to Chicanery, a rat-man who was giving rat dna for the animal's natural skills of... Beuracraty! (again it's symbolic Suck!) that he will Harvest Earth tomorrow if he wanted to

Jupiter wakes up with a costume Change and Meets Kilik, her half-sister, Who explains that her father was Not a British Alien, but An "Alien"-Alien, That while Aurons can live for Millia, they still age and still die from poison or Blood loss, like her Mother, a women that thanks to a statue, looks exactly like Jupiter, but it goes further, listen to this shit!
" Your DNA IS A PERFECT MATCH TO MY MOTHER, IN YOUR PARLANCE THIS CAN BE WHAT YOU CALL REINCARNATION!"
If that is the case then that means Kilik's Mother Did the Nasty with Jupiter's Father which means...what Titus asks later means that it's gonna be perfectly normal in his sick mind!

We are then introduced to Younger Kilik, after the older actress goes into a spa bath of glowing water and comes out younger, Kilik says that the water is full of human cells, When Jupiter asks if the cells are cloned, Kilik scoffs and says no they are Harvested. but she know that already, you saw the Monkey squids harvesting her roommates blood, but she says she only Harvest the people noone will miss! whose going to miss a Stripper or homeless person? or an Immergrant? this last question makes Jupiter uneasy of her sister, but reassures her that if she had her way, she'd only harvest those humans who recently died!

Caine Breaks in to save Jupiter but Kilik offers Jupiter the one thing she never had: power! power to make her own descisions, But this film is making mixed messages since we are adding It's Your Destiny tropes to her speil!

On the ship called the Aegis, manned by the only other human, Ex Machina Girl and Nesh who looks a little familer to me...

OH LOOK A DROWZEE! I'M GONNA CATCH IT!
(THROWS POKEBALL!)

Caine and Jupiter are reunited with Stinger. Whilst Giving Jupiter some Diarrohea Pills (I'm so glad this point is what starts off a Romatic Two Hander with our leads!) Caine is asked why he killed a royal but, vaguely answers it's in his genes! Jupiter says it most be in her genes why she keeps falling for the wrong kind of Man (then keep it in your jeans!) Caine explains that it's forbidden for Pure Humans to be Intimate with Splices, Leading to this Exchange

Tatum: My Body has more in common with a dog than most Men!
Kunis: I LOVE DOGS!

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Meanwhile Baliem gets Sadistic Pleasure From Tearing the Wings from one of his dragons!

After a Pointless peice of Satire (because why have humour and wit-when your film is all about a girl fawned by a dogman and her....OH WAIT SPOILERS!) Jupiter's claim to the Crown is legitimized to which the Beuaraucrats offer condolenses, Jupiter being dumb as bricks has already forgotton that her pansy-boys of her half brothers are trying to kill her. Jupiter tells Caine that the whole rags to riches  and riches and killing strangers to stay young is still upsetting but she is same Jupiter Jones from Chicago deep down. Stinger turns on his friends and Brings her to Titus. Now being in power to rage war with Titus, she conceeds to just being sent back home, being captured has made the decision of her futre. Caine is detained in the ship's Brig.

During Dinner, Titus Tries to Blackmail Jupiter into being in love with Caine, but instead tries to win her trust by telling her the truth about harvesting: Earth is many of a secret business, and is no more than a farm for stem cells carried out in secret and known by the Royal's and key "sworn in" Goverment officials of Earth, who are all of Auron descent. He shows Her a huge warehouse of the cell rich water that Kilik bathed, in she drops a canister when Titus tells her it contains the cells of 100 people, and this warehouse contains 1000s of such Canisters. Earth is next, most of it's life will be turned into stem cells to turn a profit!
https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiNrtyUtprMAhVGXhQKHUAUCFgQuAIIHTAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DPVGNJvWnG5E&usg=AFQjCNFXWgoCjNs_QKumBleMhSDZV73ZZg&sig2=d9jdoG5nVkLe6qePP795GA
He believes that his MAMMIE! was killed by someone when she had a change of Heart, (well, not too quick a change of heart, as Kilik told Jupiter she lived for 96 millenia!) and now he fears he's signed is own death warrant for by investigating the murder.

Okay maybe Booth's Charecter isn't a bastard after all...
"Sister, to gain your Trust, I must ask you one question...Will you Marry Me"
(PUKING SOUNDS!)

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT THAT IN YOUR FILM AND NOT HAVE PEOPLE FORGET THE ACTUAL PLOT?

Iseen some disgusting things on film. I've seeing the Reserve Shot of the headwound in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I've seen a Puppeteers Tendons ripped out and ised as strings in Elm street 3, I seen The Human Centipede, I'VE HEARD GERARD BUTLER SING! But this was the first time i ever tooked my cookies over something i watched to grant my opinion on.

But that's not all? she is actually CONSIDERING IT! byt still has feeling for Caine. Meaning Mila Kunis is actually making a choice between Incest and Bestiality!
So Titus throws Cain out of the airlock, but Caine has a tablet that turns into a Spacesuit (despite us seeing that WEREWOLVES CAN BREATHE IN SPACE!, APPARENTLY! but watches in Terror as the space ship warps to Earth!

Back in Chicago, The Big Fat Russian Wedding otherwise known as Jupiter's Family have discovered Vlady's scam to sell Jupiters Eggs ("YOUR COUSIN IS NOT A CHICKEN!" ACTUAL QUOTE AND THE BEST ONE SO FAR!) but Baliem's space ship and Dragons capture the entire Family. As Caine Comtemplates Death, the Aegis arrives and saves him. back on Titus' Ship he ensures that the Marriage is nothing more than a contract to transfer the safety of Earth from him to her in exchange for the planets she inherited, since she now wants nothing more to do with any of the House Of Nebraskus!
So it's the day of the Coronation, and Caine forgives Stinger, as the crew of the Aegis plans a Rescue Mission, Meanwhile Marraige is such a cynical concept on Auron that the vows are no more than  verifying a proof of purchase, Caine rescues Titus after a sequence that looked like computer game cut scene. Caine accuse Titus of Planning to Kill Jupiter after the ceromony, And what's more stupid than a villian saying yes before his followers? the heroes not killing him!

WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH!
COME BACK ON THE 5TH OF MAY FOR THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION OF TICKETS TO HELL AS WELL AS THE TWIST TO THE STORYLINE YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN COMING!

 

TICKET TO HELL DA BEES R STEALIN' R WIMIN!: EAMONN REVIEWS JUPITER ASCENDING

(Dedicated To All The Charity Shops, Bargain Bins and Pawnbroker's who has covered my ass after His BASTARD'S Voice left Ireland high and dry! thank you for keeping the dream alive!)

(We open on the Byroad from to Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Oireland, A Delivery Van makes it's Long Journey to Deliver it's goods, however Da West of Oireland makes Middleearth look like Disneyland in comparsion, A place where one Joe-Jack calls home.

Maybe the Driver didn't notice the house was in Disrepair, maybe he didn't take seriously the signs that said, GOA WEIGH! or KNOW TRESPASSIN'!, But how can he miss the mass graveyard with the many tombstones reading "SUM BASTARD! Or SUM BITCH!

He knocked on the door.
-YA WHADDYAWANT?
(When Joe-jack saw the honeybee on the van he bellowed "YA ONNA DEM? ARE YA? YE AIN'T TAKIN' R WIMIN? YA STINGIN' BASTARD!

"...and it ended with Joe-jack chasing this tragic dude who just wanted to deliver to the shop and it ended with him running his van off the motorway with his tractor, and that's why Joe-Jack isn't here!" conveyed 80's Lad to myself, who joined the Train to Hell, whilst he was in Earth 2, he being the Techincal Savant of the trio clutched a sachel sized box to his chest. since the last ticket to hell 2 years ago! Eamonn's Fragment of the devil's DVD's power was depleted to return Satan back to Hell, but under the experimentation and after surgerically removing it from his knuckles, he soon discovered that he can charge it as a small powersource for a weapon in the box.

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eL1Bfv8Y9k
Once Again my Signature Event has returned, A birthday Tradition in May, the month of my birth, where Storylines reach a dramatic Conclusion...well usually! things have being a bit slow here! No has tried to kill us recently!
However this month is a special Treat for all of you (and i use that term loosely1) one of the most stupid, the most contrived film of last year, One that turned it's leading lady into a fetish fuel attendant of Furries and Anthos, but it's was her character's marraige that disgusted people more than they can fathom what hell was going on!

Ladies and Gentleman! It's which equal parts of Honour and Disgust!, That I Present to you all...

JUPITER ASCENDING!

The film starts with a Narrative By Mila Kunis her parents were a russian Mother who was a Mathemetcian and her father was a British Lord and astromoner, After meeting during a harsh winter, Natasha and John become a couple quickly and we time jump 9 month, Dr Jones wishes to call his unborn daughter "Jupiter" Natasha Replies "over my dead Body!"

AAAAAND FIVE MINUTES LATER....he's Dead?
Yep, this film is so bad, it even fails in following Bad Movie Memes!

Losing Everything to Russian Gangsters, Jupiter's Mother becomes an Illegial Imergrant, And Jupiter is born in a shipping Container. 20 years later Jupiter is the most glamourous and stylishly dressed toilet cleaner in Chicago!

Meanwhile on a distant planet, 3 space Romans have travelled to an abandoned planet, where blue sand covers streets, dinner tables and lost toys! One of the Planks pretending to be Shakespearian in his dleivery tells his Sister, that the "harvest" is complete on this planet and the locals felt noticing. I'll speed this along, the 2 brothers (Gordon Booth and Eddie Redmayne) are pansy boys who whinge about Their desceased Mammy not deciding who of the 3 inheriant Earth so they each plan to invade because they are bored!

Back On Earth, A woman from a J-pop video, a Discount Store Cable and Black Guy spliced with Gorilla DNA (Because that won't get you into trouble, Mostly white Creative Team!) stalk Channing Tatum as he breaks into a Birth Control Clinic, this ends with a Lazer battle, Tatum Gets away with a name and a address, with Gorilla-Dude saying Lord Baliem will be happy about this.

Back...IN SPACE! Lady Kilik, the sister of the 2 wusses, Titus and Baliam, invading Earth to find out who Mammy loved more is consulting her advisior, a man spliced with owl DNA, WHICH IS KIND OF STUPID, considering how Owls are not intelligent as they are in stories, but everything in this film is either Sytlised Suck or Just Plain Garden Variety Suck! she orders him to "make the deal" which consists of Deploying Dragon Armies hidden on Jupiter...to kill a stripper who lives with our heroine. As Jupiter helps Catherine pick an outfit to bait a millionaire, she turns and sees her floating in maidair probed by aliens who look like the Silent from Doctor Who, Disturbed, but suddenly forgetting why, she returns home to ask for money to buy back her father's stolen telescope, so she and her cousin Vlady reveal why she was at Catherine's...to steal her id, pose as her and sell Jupiters Eggs

THIS WILL END WELL!
Sure enough, after scanning Jupiter's dna, the doctor reveal themselves as the Monkey Squid Silent Knockoffs, when Tatum comes in and kills the moneky faced freaks. Back in space A Mouse Girl (GuGu M'Buta-Rah, in the kind of crap she did after Bonekickers!) interupts Lord Titus' (Booth) Zero Gravity Orgy (wouldn't you be worry about fluid going ever you didn't want it to go?). we learn that Cain Wise (Tatum) works for him and that "his sister" has being found!

Jupiter wakes up back in her clothes and with a gun beside her, caine exposists that is Human raised on another world, and spliced with a wolf, purposely made to get their best skills, in his case, combat and retrieval. And he tells her to come with him, otherwise his family will be in Danger. Leading Lord Baliem (Redmayne) to have a hissyfit!

Caine teleport Jupiter to his ship, but is fired upon by lazer weilding metal birds

so he activates his rocket boots, that makes him look like anything from riding an invisible bike to dry humping the air!

Caine says that he was going to bring her to his Royal Limp-Wristedness, but he know someone who may want in on this action, bring him to a dilipdated house in a wildflower field next to a corn field. upon knocking Stinger (Sean Bean) fights Caine at the same time the bees from the surrounded area surround Jupiter. Stinger being a bee himself tells he that bees recognised royality and explains why she was never stung by a bee!

NOT EATING ANYTHING WITH SUGARS AND AMINO ACIDS ALSO HELPS!
Caine says if he wants in on this action then both can reinstated into the sky army and have their wings backs since the army either enrols splices with winged species or splice them with non winged animals like Wolves
WAIT A WOLF WITH WINGS? WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?


Vlady learns that Jupiter did not get paid in her part of the scam, which he already spent on Roomas and x-boxes! Stinger tells Caine that Baliem has Put a Barrier over Earth to Stop them Delivering Jupiter, Stinger exposists that Being Spliced with Wolf Dna has a serious drawback-an uncontrolable Bloodlust when stressed or alone and the reason that why he and Stinger got Courtmartialed
END OF PART ONE.
PART 2 WILL UP NEXT TUESDAY! (18/4/16)

EPISODE 104: Eamonn Reviews Beerfest Part 2

THIS POST IS SPONSORED BY MOUNTAIN DEW: LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE GOAT'S PISS, NOONE CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE!

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
We started work on the Boys from Broken Lizard's most rated film on RottenTomatoes ever (which is bullshit since Super Troopers, was actually funny!) this is the Story of the Wolfhouse brothers, Jan, or it in Jim or John? and todd, or Tim, or Ted?, honour bound to spread the ashes of their German Grandad, their visit to Octoberfest causes the an international incident, and stumbling across the Secret wold of beer-fest an International Beer Drinking competition, where their Cousins, are Germany's drinking team, But family reunions are out of the question when The Munich Branch accuses the late grandfather of stealing their family recipe for Beer, so the Wolfhouses return to form an American Beer-Drinking team! But need special training, at Grandma Rose's)

After Serving Sausages in a way that would make Nanny Ogg Blush, Expositing RACIST Bullshit that Germans learn to drink since Birth, and the realization that Rose may really have being a whore, they actually take her advice and Drinks Ram's Piss and struggling to do so! they decide to train theGames side of beer-fest by gatecrashing a highschool party and nearly get arrested.

7 months to go and Fink can't figure out how the Germans can drink from a boot and avoid the air bubble that causes choking, Fink Smashes Johan's Puppet that Landfill was using to annoy the Jewish Stereotype, Revealing that Johan (or someone close to him) did steal the recipe, so what do they do? THEY DO THE THING THAT THEY WERE ACCUSED OF DOING, OUT OF SPITE! And actually draft the beer recipe, Because after the Drinking song Fiasco in Part 1, sitting down and talking about it, isn't an option!

2 MONTHS LATER, And the lager is drafted and it is the finest beer they drank, meaning everything the Germans said is true, and even though their cause is unfounded, they still want to face the Munich Branch of their Family, even though their family honour is based on a lie!

3 months to go, and German team in a homo-erotic Fashion, the Colardo Wolfhouse have Manufactured the beer and it makes it's way to Germany, Wolfgang tells his boys that they are going to America to get their recipe back

2 months to go and Barry is so drunk, he doesn't realise that the woman he Picked up was really Rose's Nurse Cherry (Monique)...only for Barry to tell the audience he knew the whole time!

OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!

1 month to go and the Munich Wolfhouse have somehow got a U-boat into landlocked Colorado! The Germans want to buy back the recipe, But Jan refuses, so they propose a game of Ping-pong but Barry's hand starts to shake uncontrollably and quits!

But It was an underhand tactic, as Hammer and Not-Ledger (okay, we learn his name is Artie, but we never learn Not-Cleese and Not-Meany's Names) as Wolfgang fakes a news tip off that blackmails the restaurant, It gets worse, Fink somehow cloned off-screen monkey-frog and got fired, And as Landfill's wife leaves him, he discovers Cherry is a spy for Ze Germans she steals the recipe. After a very graphic male on female fight (this is still suppose to be a a comedy, right?) Cherry throws Landfill into a beer vat, as the idiot dies trying to drink himself out, the others find him! At the funeral Fink Breaks down, and Rose reveals that everything the Germans said was true, she stole the recipe and hid it in Johann's puppet without him knowing! (No one ever asked why Rose didn't retrieve the recipe and make it herself, but the consensus and Word Of God was Johan was such a skilled chef, that they made more money than the beer would have!)

Barry reveals why he can't play Ping-pong, it's because it's now linked to a traumatic event-namely being raped (an act that has being treated as a punchline in this film and this is no exception "they put a paddle up my ass! I've being shitting Pancakes for years! ACTUAL QUOTE!)

With team reunited, they still need a 5th, this is when Landfill's twin brother from out of town inexplicably joins the the team
....
THEY KILLED OF ONE CHARACTER FOR FALSE DRAMA, AND THEY REPLACED HIM WITH ANOTHER CHARACTER PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR
.....
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
So Gil wants to be called Landfill in honour, and it only serves that Gil is a hungrier, smarter and more sophisticated version of Landfill (actually sprouting a quite funny "things are getting Sour for the Krauts"! line)

So the boys arrive in Munich, but Wolfgang being the mayor and all, has not given the new password to the Americans, so they Trojan Horse into a Keg! and enter.

USA Beats Britain and the French, whilst Germany beats Beats Mexico, and Canada, and Despite the Distractionary Antics of the Bikini Clad Swedish Stereotypes, USA Goes through!

Whilst Taking a Piss! Fink works out how to drink from a boot! you just turn it to make gravity destroy the air bubble

 The Final of Beerfest!
USA VS Germany,
Barry looses to Not-Cleese In Quarters, Fink loses to Not-Meany in Monkey Chug, Jan and Landfill 2 loses to Arty and Slammer in Beer Pong and the game to stay in is Table Tennis, A drunk Todd and Barry vs Not-Cleese and Hammer in Some over the top, Balls of Fury-like shit! USA WINS....BANGING ON A TABLE? WHAT?...And Turbo Quarters and surprise surprise, we have a tie and the tie-breaker? WHAT ELSE? DRINKING FROM A BOOT! But When Landfill 2 has his time to shine, Cherry appears and taunts about killing his twin causing him to get angry and losing! But Jan reveals that the recipe Cherry stole is that of a Strawberry Beer! and Since Beer is SRS BSNSS! in this film, it's enough to get Cherry Killed! So Jan proposes a new game, all team members will drink a boot each, revealing that Are Not Left Handed, I Mean, Drunk!

So lets down this Glass of Shit!
Slammer knocked the Yamaduke of Fink and  sooner as you can say, "Ja, Let's play Frisbee!" Fink enters a super-offended state called "Eye Of the Jew"
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxBH2iBQqZE
 But it is Landfill who gets the w, as Slammer drinks all but one drop! and so a year later the new 5 executives of Wolfhousen Brewery are in Holland where Willy Nelson enlists them for Pot-fest the sequel that has being in Developmental Hell and should stay there! and so our fill ends with Bloopers in the Credits because if your comedy couldn't be funny when it was supposed to, then you are doing it wrong!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
I FEEL LIKE KICKING SOMETHING!

What can I say that haven't already said? It's crude, it's insulting, it's humourless! Our heroes are unlikable, Even to the Point where Todd/Tom/Tim/WHATEVER! points out they profited on an age old family grudge, Plus it doesn't help when both sides are Murderous Sociopaths! This film was going to be bad, even it if didn't trigger the Racist Alarm, BUT IT DID!

FOR BEING RACIST AGAINST THE IRISH, BEER-FEST GETS AN AUTOMATIC FAIL!

BUT IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE!
...(TRAIN BLARES!)
 As the Express train to Hell slows to a chug! Eamonn gets on, as it does, from nowhere it carreens at pace, knocking Eamonn Down! as it enters a tunnel)
-Who knows what surprises are waiting!
As the train exits the tunnel on the roof, the Pimpernel stands armed with his shock sticks and wearing a fixed bike helmet obscuring his face!
...And So It Begins!

CREDITS
Beer fest was reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With clips and music from
in Part 1:
Seven Drunken Nights by the Dubliners
Anchorman
and in Part 2
Combine Harvester by the Wurzels
The Simpsons

Beerfest was Produced by Broken Lizard and Distributed by Warner Bros.

Bogger box Office is not affiliated with Mountain Dew, why would anyone drink something with a vague flavour (citrus flavour, CITRUS IS NOT A FLAVOUR! IT'S A GROUP!) and looks like ram's piss is anyone's guess!

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
TICKET TO HELL RETURNS! WITH A SHOCKING REVELATION THAT WILL TWIST 2 WORLDS INTO AN INESCAPABLE OF SPIRAL DESPAIR, A FITTING BACKDROP TO OUR NEXT REVIEW, ONE THAT HAS BEING ASKED BY A CIRCLE OF FRIENDS SINCE IT DROPPED LAST YEAR!

OUR NEXT REVIEW IS....
TICKET TO HELL 5: DA BEES R STEALIN' OUR WOMIN: EAMONN REVIEWS JUPITER ACSENDING!