Welcome those who revel in Darkness, for this is the month where the worst of Horror, sci-fi and fantasy come out from under the floorboards.
Or would, the last 4 times we had a Halloween special!
This year our Halloween Stash is the celluloid equivalent of Kettle Crisps, Cadbury Banana Caramel Crunch and freshly printed C-notes, This year out go the moonshine zombies, the lame version of Goku, the icecream zombies, the Nazi Zombies and the Vampire....Angel....things! and get ready to ROCK! With Tenacious D! (Don't worry kiddies, it's the clean version!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h27xucvYtRs
After Cartoon Versions do a scat joke, we open to a flashback told in song as a young JB Jables (Jack Black Naturally) played by....the Laxative Boy from the video High School Never Ends!, Sings about his rebellious love of rock in the strait-laced family as his father (MEATLOAF) Sings his disapproval whilst Belting his son. After praying to a poster of DIO, The late rockstar tells the young boy to go to Hollywood.
After leaving Missouri that night, the young man has spent all his teenage years going to every other town in America called Hollywood(Really?) He finally makes it Hollywood, California.
After Opening Credits of Animated Tarot Cards (Funny thing, if you are able to read Tarot Cards like I can, the entire Opening Credits ruin the entire story for you!)
So JB meets Kyle Gass (as himself!) who assumes the newcomer is invading his busking space, When the crowd walks away when Gass goes classical, JB saves the day with improvised lyrics, even though only a pizza boy gets excited about what happened, but Kyle refuses to make a band with the newcomer. But when KG drops his pick , JB assumes is a sign.
With Nowhere to stay Jables is forced to sleep rough and is attacked by Clockwork Orange Fanboys, When Kyle comes around and sees his missing pick in the fallen hands of Jables, he takes pity on him and pretends to ward of the muggers.
After bringing JB Back to his place and lying about his music "career", the star struck bumpkin proposes an "audition"-Basically a Lethal cocktail of "Menial Labour" and "Getting His Hopes Up" served in a large glass, garnish with "Blatant Lies"!
The Gig Simulator, which is simply Kyle's way of Breaking Jables confidence, works as Jables sees his father chastising him. As Kyle comforts Jables he doesn't realise that a message comes through onto his answering machine from his mother, telling him that she is no longer financially supporting his life of busking, getting high and fleecing wannabes! Kyle reveals he used the rent money to buy JB a new guitar. So now the newly formed Tenacious D, Must now ROCK FOR RENT! So the first contest is a open mic qualifier, where the only competition is a terrible impersonator, they win, but a slight by the bar-keeper, convinces Jables that need to write a "Masterpiece". So the band draw a pentagram with ketchup for inspiration but forget to record any of it. Looking through old Rolling Stone Magazines, they come across that all the great use the same Guitar Pick.
So the Band go to the Music Store to pick up a similar pick, Only to be pulled into the spare room by the clerk (A cameo by Ben Stiller) tells us the story that we already know from the expository song above! What we don't know is that the devil roams the earth searching for his missing tooth and when whole again he will dominate the Earth once more! Marcus tells the D that the last known whereabouts is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Sacramento.
After an Imagination spot where they slowly turn into Kiss, they park at a Roadside café, As JB devises a plan to break in, Kage gets distracted by Sorority Girls that leaves the two split up as Kage is hired to play at a party, where he quickly tanks-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG2KMkQLZmI
While Jables who was heading on a 5 mile walk to Sacramento, starts eating some he found in a forest-Yep! IT'S A MUSHROOM SAMBA!
Jack Black is tripping balls and has turned it a baby Sasquatch whilst flying on the back of another Sasquatch through a Technicolor Forest, while singing a song about the creature!
BIG LIPPED ALIGATOR MOMENT-yes
FUCKING AWESOMESAUCE MOMENT?-YEAH IT IS!
So JB conveniently sobers up a mile away from the rock and roll Museum, At the party some teenagers smash the tail-light of Kyle's car.
PLOT-ITEM!
After the band reunite at the museum, They enter the Guitar Gods room, all the cock push-ups that Kage got JB to do, has made Jack Black's....bandmember long enough to disable the lasers but the alarms are set off!, but the two heroes powerslide out from the closing garage doors. A crippled thief threatens to steal the pick, but is easily outrun.
That Morning, the band escape the police, who only wanted to pullover the band for the broken tail-light, cause a police chase that ends with them blowing up the car and escaping through the sewers. Arguing over the pick makes them split it in half. It turns out the open mic host was the Devil (Dave Grohl) the whole time!
SO LET'S WRAP THIS UP!
The D's challenge the Devil to a rock-off, with the catch being the Lord of The Dammed must pay their rent forever if he loses. But Kage becomes the devil's Bitch if they lose. So the Devil being played by Grohl, naturally sings, drums and plays guitar like a boss! but the D realise that real masterpieces come from within, and defeat Lucifer by NOT! Singing Tribute (Instead singing the risible "We Are The D"), in his rage the devil's horn is broke off and now since he is incomplete again, he's sealed in hell forever and so the film ends....WITH NOTHING RESOLVED! AS NO-ONE SAW OR HEARD A 20FT DEVIL SINGING A SONG ABOUT SODOMISING KYLE GASS, NO FAMILY WAS REUNITED, NO ONE WON THE OPEN MIC,AND THE BAND THE DIDN'T GET FAMOUS!
The only thing that was resolved was the D's Rent is paid for life and they made the Devil's Horn into a Bong and they smoke from it for "inspiration"-even if Satanically Saturated Skunk makes them forget everything they play!
DAHM JACK BLACK IF YOU WEREN'T SO CHARISMATIC, I'D TELL YOU THIS FILM SUCKS!
Ok, Let's get serious!
The film is all over the place, Nothing is resolved, Backstories are quickly discarded and plotpoints like the waitress' black eye and the crippled thief are relegated to dvd extras-Which I don't review I only focus on what's on the dvd because that what cinema goers saw. In Short Pick of destiny is nothing more than Music Video Set with a narrative linking each one, A device doing better in Fly On The Wall, Daft Punk's Fantasia 5000 and of course, The WALL!
CREDITS
Tenacious D:Pick of Destiny was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music and Clips from
Tenacious D: Pick Of Destiny
Futurama
TD:POD Is distributed by New Line Cinema. All rights reserved
All clips used belong to their respective owners.
Follow me on Twitter @RealEnli
Friday, September 19, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
EAMONN REVIEWS MEET THE MILLERS
(Previously on bogger box office...
THE LONG 4-YEAR WAR AGAINST SATANICOSTRICH IS OVER! THE CREATURE RETURNED TO HELL TO RESET THE BALANCE OF REALITY, WHEN EAMONN IMPARTED ALL THE SATANIC POWER LODGED IN HIS FIST. HOWEVER THE SOURCE OF THE TROUBLES, GATEWAYS TO HELL DISGUISED AS DVD ARE STILL DORMANT, WAITING TO FOUND...
JUST LIKE THIS ONE!
(BEEP...BEEP...)
DUUUUUDDDDEEEE! Like, what's that noise?
oh, that? I Asked Joe-jack to get as many Jennifer Aniston films that suck.
(A Dump Truck crashed through the wall of the Enlightened Towers Waiting Room
Here Ya go Dere, Boss!
(1000'S of dvds crashed out of the container onto Eamonn, pinning him out the floor,
Did I get enough?
-Shut....UP!
(Out of the pile Eamonn's arm emerged in defiance, holding the this month's DVD. Ava Santana echoed in the background.)
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION! AREN'T YOU LUCKY(?)
This months theme from the soundtrack Not butchered by Will Poulter-TLC-Waterfalls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
We start with a montage of youtube clips, All of them more entertaining than this film. Watching them is our protagonist, as calling him a hero would donate that David Clark (Jason Sudekis) has amiable qualities, But we see him selling weed to the mother of a newborn baby.
Selling weed to an old college friend who settled down, makes David thinks what if he had settled down.
We cut to a strip club where Jennifer Aniston, the hottest woman of television....15 years ago!, Shakes her Cuprinol coloured ass for Pennyz N' Dollarz
It just so happens that Rose's (Aniston) boyfriend owes his dealer, David some money. And David harps on her angrily. Or would if Sudekis Learned How to Emote!
The Argument( In truth, the bad acting because he felt left out,) alerts Kenny (Will "I RUINED NARNIA FOR EVERYONE!" Poulter"), A teenager who Explains in Terrible American Accent, That his mother more or less abandoned him.
As Rose leaves, David and Kenny sees a girl (Emma Roberts) getting mugged. the lowlife and Narnia Scrappy goes to help but the ungrateful bitch leaves David alone to get mugged.
It gets worse the next day as a pair of thugs kidnap David and sent him to their boss....Get ready for this, it's so stupid,....THE CEO OF PUBLIC TRADING COMPANY....the thugs even bring the still blindfolded David to a receptionist to make an appointment.
Okay Movie, if you were trying to be satirical in that drug-dealing is so lucrative that an actual businessman can turn a profit, then I have to call forward that a spider bites on Poulter's balls, and we see his exposed testicles for 5 whole minutes.
So Brad Hemming-Schumber (Nick Offerman) , David's Boss, tells him to smuggle a Smidge of Hash over from Mexico, but to use his alias, Pablo Chaconne, as no-one will take his real name seriously.
PLOT POINT!
So When Rose quits when the strip club becomes a brothel (Because when you are stripping to pay for your Boyfriend's drug addiction, you are chock-full of principles!)
Struggling to think of an idea on how to get to Mexico without being stopped, A lost family in an RV, gives David an idea: get Kenny, Rose and the Girl he tried to help, to pose as a fake family.
So after getting a haircut, and decking out Casey "In the clothes kids wear that say, my parents love me because they planned me!" (ACTUAL QUOTE!) The "Millers" arrive in New York airport, but the cover is nearly blown when David forgets Casey's name, Turns out to be a godsend as the Homeless girl has more a dystopian of America than her "father", scaring off a nosy stewardess.
Rose arrives in time to stop the cabin-crew from throwing them out, by performing a prayer circle.
What does that tell you of America's foreign policy? You may act suspicious, but as long you are white and show that you are Christian, then that's okay!
After renting the RV, THE 4 assholes pass a fireworks stand. Kenny reveals to the audience that the events are set on the 4th of July Weekend.
"Wot Ameriken doesn't Lioke a bit'o FYAREWERKS?, EH?" (Line by Poulter, phonetically written in his "American accent")
"OI BLOODY LURVE BEIN' AN AMERIKEN, OI DO! LATUH, AF'ER THE FYAREWERKS, CAN WE WATCH THE BAYSEBAWL MATCH, AND 'AVE SOME BIG MACS N' CHIPS, BLOOD?"
So the millers stop and buy and let off 1 firework.
OH COME THE FUCK ON!
What's road movie without buying fireworks or some semi-illegal thing that would be used as a plot item?
So the Millers arrive in Mexico at a drug baron's compound, It turns out the smidge is 2 metric tonnes. Kenny is gifted a fruit basket by the drug baron's mother, that the audience is shown to have a tarantula in it. A moneyless gang can't pay a cop's bribe so David gets Kenny to suck him off, after some Insane Troll Logic by Sudekis ("If You've Never Being With A Girl, That Means You're Gay!" (ACTUAL LINE FROM THE FILM!)), The Cop asks where his 1000 pesos are.
GET IT? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HOW TERRIBLY THE PESO DOES AGAINST THE DOLLAR! With David reassuring Kenny by saying "I Can't Believe You Were going to suck cock over $80!"
(ACTUAL QUOTE!)
(beat...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-c73EOmDPM
At the Border, a Run-in with a family called the Fitzgeralds, causes Kenny to fall for their Daughter.
OH BOY! A romantic Sub-Plot for Narnia Scrappy, As if this film could get worse! Oh wait, a spider biting Poulter's exposed testicles, yes it does get worse!
A hard break causes a baggy to fall on Rose's lap, concealing it in blanket causes Mrs Fitzgerald to think the gang has a baby. The Commotion is enough alert border patrol. Thank God immigrants chose their Rv to try and sneak the border.
So the gang celebrates by listening to the radio, with Poulter rapping to waterfalls becoming The whitest thing I've ever seen since my reflection....
IN A GLASS OF MILK!
Turns out that Brad didn't get David to smuggle weed, He got him to STEAL Weed as the REAL Pablo Chaconne appears at his compound and now the Mexicans are out for the gangs heads.
But that's a problem for the climax of the film, lets first deal with the RV full of weed broken down and trying to discreetly smuggle it whilst being towed by a family convinced you have a baby!
AS YOU DO!
It turns out that Mr Don Fitzgerald happens to be a CIA Agent doing the exact same camouflage that the Millers are doing. The garage is closed on Sunday, So they decide to camp til morning. Edith Fitzgerald's annoying persistence to hold the "baby", causes Rose to throw the Baggy onto the Interstate, where it gets ran over. Casey interjects that it was a....Flour Baby for Sex ed class!
That night a game of Pictionary goes awry when Kenny blatantly draws a cock....
"IT Woz Suppose t'be a SKAITBOARD...COR BLIMEY!...CHIM, CHIMENY, OI'M AMERIKAN, INNIT!"
-The Fitzgerald's daughter comes on to Kenny. This leads to David giving the rubber faced Narnia Scrappy Man Talk.
Yeah that's all well and good, but need I remind you is that the girl's father is a CIA Agent, you are drug smugglers, and anything putting Kenny to the fore is only to lead to seeing his exposed junk for 5 whole minutes.
So David and Rose plan on stealing the Keys to the Fitzgerald's Rv but they wake and put 2 and 2 together and come up with-The Millers in their Tent because they are Swingers!
Yep, Just when you think we've seen it all, plus the threat of Will Poulter's swollen balls they spring this on you!
So the girls in the Miller gang teaches Kenny how to kiss a girl, Melissa walks in and naturally is freaked out.
So Stopping at the garage, the millers are ambushed by Pablo's Gang and knowing who Don is, are convinced David is a whistleblower, goes to kill him and the family, David tries to convince their not a family-NOT by Leaning on the 4th wall and scald Poulter's accent-But by making rose strip, giving us 5 minutes (10 in the extended Version) of Freckly Cleavage and Boot Leather Abs and Naval. but it's a distraction for the smuggling shitehawks to escape.
But Remember the Taruntula?
It climbs up Kenny's shorts!
WAIT FOR IT.....
So the Millers off Road and Kenny Realises that something is biting him in the love spuds!
Wait for it....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY0BYkcdtSQ
In hospital Kenny is not allowed to travel Meaning David will not meet the deadline. After Casey leaves with a Carny, David and Rose open up to each other, Rose revealing her real name is Sarah.
After rushing Kenny out of hospital, David blurts out he's getting paid half a million, while only paying 30k to Sarah, 1k to Casey.
-AM OI GETTIN' PAY-ED?
-NOT THE WAY YOU'VE BEING ACTING, NARNIA SCRAPPY!
So Casey walks out to join her Carny Boyfriend, David Leaves Rose and Kenny behind and is on the road to Denver, Leaving the rest of the gang defenceless when Pablo arrives, But then something horrible happens. Something that stops this film from being shorter than it is:
DAVID GROWS A CONSIENCE!
And returns to the funfair where Sarah has dealt with the Carny.
SO LETS FINISH THIS!
Kenny tells the truth to the Fitzgeralds to "impress" Melissa, Donny Arrests Pablo's General, Pablo gets distracted by Fireworks (told ya, it is a road movie, after all!) long enough for Kenny to deck him, getting the girl, Don lets the millers go, David brings the Shipment to Brad, who double-crosses him, But David Reveals he has entered a plea bargain to get Brad arrested, and so the story ends with the Millers in protective Custody, Kenny's Ball being a viral hit and Meeting the neighbours and calling them Middle American Assholes behind their back as a cutaway shot shows freshly Sewn Marijuana buds in the Rosebushes.
Welcome, to NO MORAL THEATRE!
AND WELCOME AND ALL RISE TO THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
IT'S OVER!
THANK FUCKING GOD!
THIS FRESH DUMP ON THE SHIT PILE THAT IS JENNIFER ANISTON'S FILM CAREER IS THE FUCKING LIMIT! YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD CONSIDER THIS FILM EARLIER IN HER CAREER....y'know WHEN SHE WAS HOT! I NEVER HEARD OF JASON SUDEKIS AND AFTER THIS, NEVER AGAIN, ROBERTS IS NOTHING MORE THAN FURNITURE THAT TALKS AND POULTER, IS JUST HORRENDOUS, EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE THE CONVENIENCE OF HIM "TURNED INTO A DRAGON" FOR HALF THE FILM!
Of the 3 road movies I've reviewed on this site, it's up there as bad as The Chaperone, But RV: Runaway Vacation did have Josh Hutcherson and a Geyser of Shit in it so i'll let that slide.
CREDITS
Meet the Millers was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Adventure Time!
Meet the Millers
Music
"Waterfalls" by TLC
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Meet the Millers was produced by Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema
THE LONG 4-YEAR WAR AGAINST SATANICOSTRICH IS OVER! THE CREATURE RETURNED TO HELL TO RESET THE BALANCE OF REALITY, WHEN EAMONN IMPARTED ALL THE SATANIC POWER LODGED IN HIS FIST. HOWEVER THE SOURCE OF THE TROUBLES, GATEWAYS TO HELL DISGUISED AS DVD ARE STILL DORMANT, WAITING TO FOUND...
JUST LIKE THIS ONE!
(BEEP...BEEP...)
DUUUUUDDDDEEEE! Like, what's that noise?
oh, that? I Asked Joe-jack to get as many Jennifer Aniston films that suck.
(A Dump Truck crashed through the wall of the Enlightened Towers Waiting Room
Here Ya go Dere, Boss!
(1000'S of dvds crashed out of the container onto Eamonn, pinning him out the floor,
Did I get enough?
-Shut....UP!
(Out of the pile Eamonn's arm emerged in defiance, holding the this month's DVD. Ava Santana echoed in the background.)
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION! AREN'T YOU LUCKY(?)
This months theme from the soundtrack Not butchered by Will Poulter-TLC-Waterfalls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
We start with a montage of youtube clips, All of them more entertaining than this film. Watching them is our protagonist, as calling him a hero would donate that David Clark (Jason Sudekis) has amiable qualities, But we see him selling weed to the mother of a newborn baby.
Selling weed to an old college friend who settled down, makes David thinks what if he had settled down.
We cut to a strip club where Jennifer Aniston, the hottest woman of television....15 years ago!, Shakes her Cuprinol coloured ass for Pennyz N' Dollarz
It just so happens that Rose's (Aniston) boyfriend owes his dealer, David some money. And David harps on her angrily. Or would if Sudekis Learned How to Emote!
The Argument( In truth, the bad acting because he felt left out,) alerts Kenny (Will "I RUINED NARNIA FOR EVERYONE!" Poulter"), A teenager who Explains in Terrible American Accent, That his mother more or less abandoned him.
As Rose leaves, David and Kenny sees a girl (Emma Roberts) getting mugged. the lowlife and Narnia Scrappy goes to help but the ungrateful bitch leaves David alone to get mugged.
It gets worse the next day as a pair of thugs kidnap David and sent him to their boss....Get ready for this, it's so stupid,....THE CEO OF PUBLIC TRADING COMPANY....the thugs even bring the still blindfolded David to a receptionist to make an appointment.
Okay Movie, if you were trying to be satirical in that drug-dealing is so lucrative that an actual businessman can turn a profit, then I have to call forward that a spider bites on Poulter's balls, and we see his exposed testicles for 5 whole minutes.
So Brad Hemming-Schumber (Nick Offerman) , David's Boss, tells him to smuggle a Smidge of Hash over from Mexico, but to use his alias, Pablo Chaconne, as no-one will take his real name seriously.
PLOT POINT!
So When Rose quits when the strip club becomes a brothel (Because when you are stripping to pay for your Boyfriend's drug addiction, you are chock-full of principles!)
Struggling to think of an idea on how to get to Mexico without being stopped, A lost family in an RV, gives David an idea: get Kenny, Rose and the Girl he tried to help, to pose as a fake family.
So after getting a haircut, and decking out Casey "In the clothes kids wear that say, my parents love me because they planned me!" (ACTUAL QUOTE!) The "Millers" arrive in New York airport, but the cover is nearly blown when David forgets Casey's name, Turns out to be a godsend as the Homeless girl has more a dystopian of America than her "father", scaring off a nosy stewardess.
Rose arrives in time to stop the cabin-crew from throwing them out, by performing a prayer circle.
What does that tell you of America's foreign policy? You may act suspicious, but as long you are white and show that you are Christian, then that's okay!
After renting the RV, THE 4 assholes pass a fireworks stand. Kenny reveals to the audience that the events are set on the 4th of July Weekend.
"Wot Ameriken doesn't Lioke a bit'o FYAREWERKS?, EH?" (Line by Poulter, phonetically written in his "American accent")
"OI BLOODY LURVE BEIN' AN AMERIKEN, OI DO! LATUH, AF'ER THE FYAREWERKS, CAN WE WATCH THE BAYSEBAWL MATCH, AND 'AVE SOME BIG MACS N' CHIPS, BLOOD?"
So the millers stop and buy and let off 1 firework.
OH COME THE FUCK ON!
What's road movie without buying fireworks or some semi-illegal thing that would be used as a plot item?
So the Millers arrive in Mexico at a drug baron's compound, It turns out the smidge is 2 metric tonnes. Kenny is gifted a fruit basket by the drug baron's mother, that the audience is shown to have a tarantula in it. A moneyless gang can't pay a cop's bribe so David gets Kenny to suck him off, after some Insane Troll Logic by Sudekis ("If You've Never Being With A Girl, That Means You're Gay!" (ACTUAL LINE FROM THE FILM!)), The Cop asks where his 1000 pesos are.
GET IT? IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HOW TERRIBLY THE PESO DOES AGAINST THE DOLLAR! With David reassuring Kenny by saying "I Can't Believe You Were going to suck cock over $80!"
(ACTUAL QUOTE!)
(beat...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-c73EOmDPM
At the Border, a Run-in with a family called the Fitzgeralds, causes Kenny to fall for their Daughter.
OH BOY! A romantic Sub-Plot for Narnia Scrappy, As if this film could get worse! Oh wait, a spider biting Poulter's exposed testicles, yes it does get worse!
A hard break causes a baggy to fall on Rose's lap, concealing it in blanket causes Mrs Fitzgerald to think the gang has a baby. The Commotion is enough alert border patrol. Thank God immigrants chose their Rv to try and sneak the border.
So the gang celebrates by listening to the radio, with Poulter rapping to waterfalls becoming The whitest thing I've ever seen since my reflection....
IN A GLASS OF MILK!
Turns out that Brad didn't get David to smuggle weed, He got him to STEAL Weed as the REAL Pablo Chaconne appears at his compound and now the Mexicans are out for the gangs heads.
But that's a problem for the climax of the film, lets first deal with the RV full of weed broken down and trying to discreetly smuggle it whilst being towed by a family convinced you have a baby!
AS YOU DO!
It turns out that Mr Don Fitzgerald happens to be a CIA Agent doing the exact same camouflage that the Millers are doing. The garage is closed on Sunday, So they decide to camp til morning. Edith Fitzgerald's annoying persistence to hold the "baby", causes Rose to throw the Baggy onto the Interstate, where it gets ran over. Casey interjects that it was a....Flour Baby for Sex ed class!
That night a game of Pictionary goes awry when Kenny blatantly draws a cock....
"IT Woz Suppose t'be a SKAITBOARD...COR BLIMEY!...CHIM, CHIMENY, OI'M AMERIKAN, INNIT!"
-The Fitzgerald's daughter comes on to Kenny. This leads to David giving the rubber faced Narnia Scrappy Man Talk.
Yeah that's all well and good, but need I remind you is that the girl's father is a CIA Agent, you are drug smugglers, and anything putting Kenny to the fore is only to lead to seeing his exposed junk for 5 whole minutes.
So David and Rose plan on stealing the Keys to the Fitzgerald's Rv but they wake and put 2 and 2 together and come up with-The Millers in their Tent because they are Swingers!
Yep, Just when you think we've seen it all, plus the threat of Will Poulter's swollen balls they spring this on you!
So the girls in the Miller gang teaches Kenny how to kiss a girl, Melissa walks in and naturally is freaked out.
So Stopping at the garage, the millers are ambushed by Pablo's Gang and knowing who Don is, are convinced David is a whistleblower, goes to kill him and the family, David tries to convince their not a family-NOT by Leaning on the 4th wall and scald Poulter's accent-But by making rose strip, giving us 5 minutes (10 in the extended Version) of Freckly Cleavage and Boot Leather Abs and Naval. but it's a distraction for the smuggling shitehawks to escape.
But Remember the Taruntula?
It climbs up Kenny's shorts!
WAIT FOR IT.....
So the Millers off Road and Kenny Realises that something is biting him in the love spuds!
Wait for it....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY0BYkcdtSQ
In hospital Kenny is not allowed to travel Meaning David will not meet the deadline. After Casey leaves with a Carny, David and Rose open up to each other, Rose revealing her real name is Sarah.
After rushing Kenny out of hospital, David blurts out he's getting paid half a million, while only paying 30k to Sarah, 1k to Casey.
-AM OI GETTIN' PAY-ED?
-NOT THE WAY YOU'VE BEING ACTING, NARNIA SCRAPPY!
So Casey walks out to join her Carny Boyfriend, David Leaves Rose and Kenny behind and is on the road to Denver, Leaving the rest of the gang defenceless when Pablo arrives, But then something horrible happens. Something that stops this film from being shorter than it is:
DAVID GROWS A CONSIENCE!
And returns to the funfair where Sarah has dealt with the Carny.
SO LETS FINISH THIS!
Kenny tells the truth to the Fitzgeralds to "impress" Melissa, Donny Arrests Pablo's General, Pablo gets distracted by Fireworks (told ya, it is a road movie, after all!) long enough for Kenny to deck him, getting the girl, Don lets the millers go, David brings the Shipment to Brad, who double-crosses him, But David Reveals he has entered a plea bargain to get Brad arrested, and so the story ends with the Millers in protective Custody, Kenny's Ball being a viral hit and Meeting the neighbours and calling them Middle American Assholes behind their back as a cutaway shot shows freshly Sewn Marijuana buds in the Rosebushes.
Welcome, to NO MORAL THEATRE!
AND WELCOME AND ALL RISE TO THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN NATIONAL ANTHEM!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=btEpF334Rtc
IT'S OVER!
THANK FUCKING GOD!
THIS FRESH DUMP ON THE SHIT PILE THAT IS JENNIFER ANISTON'S FILM CAREER IS THE FUCKING LIMIT! YOU WOULD THINK THEY WOULD CONSIDER THIS FILM EARLIER IN HER CAREER....y'know WHEN SHE WAS HOT! I NEVER HEARD OF JASON SUDEKIS AND AFTER THIS, NEVER AGAIN, ROBERTS IS NOTHING MORE THAN FURNITURE THAT TALKS AND POULTER, IS JUST HORRENDOUS, EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE THE CONVENIENCE OF HIM "TURNED INTO A DRAGON" FOR HALF THE FILM!
Of the 3 road movies I've reviewed on this site, it's up there as bad as The Chaperone, But RV: Runaway Vacation did have Josh Hutcherson and a Geyser of Shit in it so i'll let that slide.
CREDITS
Meet the Millers was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Adventure Time!
Meet the Millers
Music
"Waterfalls" by TLC
"Combine Harvester" by the Wurzels
Meet the Millers was produced by Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema
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