(This Months theme= (If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od7GUy9XS7c
Welcome Ye, Merriest of Gentlemen, and Ladies, To the Grim Grotto here at Enlightened Towers, For the past 3 Christmas we dismantled 1 aspect of Seasonal Entertainment. My first was my greatest moments in my lifetime. 2 years ago was Love Actually, a film based around Christmas. Last year, I made my own, Spoiler-Heavy, Version of A Christmas Carol. This year My film represents the most important part of Christmas.
Goodwill amongst Men?
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I MEAN TOYS!
Yes Toys have being made into movies, or rather 1 hour commericals revealing the new line made to look AWESOME!, So mammies are nagged to buy the new-ones rather than ones she had, all the while having a bemused "now I know why it was on sale" look.
Now to Bioncle.
I Never had Lego as a child, I was more into Dinosaurs/Fighting Fantasy/Power Rangers/Beast wars as a kid. So I Used Tv tropes to get my background info. So here's the skinny of the backstory.
Taking influences from South Pacific Creation myths, Lego Branched Figure Kits from it's Technic Range called Bionicle in 1999. Bionicle, being a portmanteau of Bionic Chronicle, had a webtoon that told the story of 6 colour coded and Elemental Wielding Teenage Robots with Attitude!, who have a shared Destiny to stop a sealed Evil in A can from freeing itself and ....YOU GUESSED IT!
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ
All the while unlocking weapons and vechiles to defeat evil. (sold separately!)
So Yeah, Bland and Predictable! But Successful enough to make a Dvd Movie by Miramix. (I Must add that Disney no longer has the right to Lego's property and Warner bros now shows Lego's cartoons on Cartoon Network)
So we begin as a voice over tries to sell the story to us.
In the beginning a Maoi landed on a island called Mata Nui and turned all the Stones and Mineral Ore into Stone and Mineral Ore people and Animals. The God was happy that he endowed all living things with the 3 virtues of Duty, Unity and Destiny. Until the Evil Cursed God to Sleep forever and Caused destruction until the 3 Virtues sealed him away.
And that's the Sinnoh Creation Myth...I mean the plot to bionicle.
We cut to Mata Nui, as a child called Jailer is searching for his friend, the chronicler of Mata Nui, T'Kua In an active volcano. Finding a totem and dropping it in lava reveals it as a Golden Power mask like that of the heroes of this piece, the Toa. T'kua is saved from the lava by the Totally Radical Fire Toa Tahao who rescues him with his surfboard/Swords/Climbing Spikes. He wants T' kua to research this new Mask, but after the pointless sports Montage.
It's here we meet 2 other Toa heroes. The only girl the water toa Galli and the OUTRAGOUS! rock toa Pakath'u (Really! I know it's not John DiMaggio but this V.A. is giving him a run for his money)
After the game, The mask's light shines on T'kua. So The 3 elders Transalates the Mask. It's eponymous Mask of Light, and they wrongly assume That Jailer is the 7th Toa. But it's T'kua the cowardly chronicler that is destined.
In a Caravan The big Bad Mak'huta releases his Goa'uld into 3 warriors. T'kua and Jailer load up their crab for a journey that's going to tell him to put on the fucking mask!
Galli is attacked by the Gould looking things the Rakshii who head towards the Lake Trio and attacks Tahao. These Rakshii have a power that really goes back to creation myths, A poison that puts negative feelings people
Back to T'kua and Jailler, The latter complains about T'kua being a dirty coward, They are attacked by a bear, only to be rescued by the Very Asian Wind Toa Lee-Wa, who gives the 2 boys a giant hummingbird as their steed to the frozen North. While there Lee-wa hears tribal drums telling him that the village was destroyed.
Continuing the quest. the 2 boys meet Surly loner Ice toa K'paku as well as a frozen army of Vahrak, Giant Lion-wolf things
I'll give you three guesses what happens next! the first 2 don't count!
Tahou has reached his village and is torn to see it destroyed.
Back to Jailer, T'kua and K'paka, They stumble on a fortress that houses the Not-System Lords as well as defrosted Lion-Wolf things.
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
The Ice-guy is hit by a laser that knocks him out but regains himself to save the 2
The 2 boys enter a cavern and while separated, T'kua is confronted by Generic Bad Guy von Evil Pants. He taunts T'kua with the truth that anyone with half a brain and a small understanding of Sequential Storytelling has already worked out! T'kua leaves the quest.
Finally we meet the last Toa hero as Pakath'u visits Boisterious Bruiser Anura the Steel toa, Who had prepared a feast for T'Kua and Jailer.
(What exactly do Stone and Metal creatures Eat? Granted there's vegetation on Matu Nui but nothing that resembles food. Are the food like everything here something that resembles something on Earth but made of Lego? Or are they like the trolls in Discworld and they eat non-sentient rocks and metal?)
Anyway the Vashii saps the strength from the two toas and turns Tahao Crazy. T'kua gathers his courage and Goes after Jailer.
While the toas Heel Tahao, T'kua Returns to Jailer on a mountain, finding a temple. The Toa and the Vashii have a final battle. Jailer dies in the crossfire. T'kua puts on the mask of Light to become Taka Nuva, the Toa of Light.
So Taka uses his Sixth Ranger New Toyline Powers to Attack Giratina in the Shadow Dimension.
So Lets Finish the Year off with a Bang!
Big Good and Big Bad settle it with a game of Blitzball, On the Surface The Toas villagers and Not-Lake Trio Perform a ritual to summon God, Cresellina throws Giratina into a pool, combining into 1 Being, Jailer is returned to life as is Taka and so the Film ends with a cliffhanger that reveals the where God lives and nothing else!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Characters are Generic, The Story is too ambitious for a tv tie-in, and It's Purpose is too sell toys. Okay for a Web series circa 2001 the animation is good I'll give you that. But to end on a cliff hanger when you have no intention of making another movie is infuriating. I also made nothing but Pokemon jokes in this review mainly due to the fact that those things i mentioned are done more famously by them. I knew Nothing of the storyline and watching it on the Wall of Knowledge Extra only told me what the incessant Terminology meant.
In Short, Bioncle: Superb Animation, Loses points for Voice Acting and Script.
CREDITS
Bogger box office Christmas Special: Bionicle Mask of Light was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Clips from
Street Fighter
and music
(If I Ain't Drunk, Then It Ain't) Xmas by Corey Taylor
Mask of Light is Distributed by Miramax
Bioncle and all related products are property of Lego.
To All of you At Bogger Box Office, The Enlightened Page and the TGWTG Forum, Wherever you are, Have a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year
Jingle my Bell over at my Twitter account @saveusPOE for #boggerboxofficebytes, mini reviews until Christmas Eve.
NEXT MONTH: NORBIT
Friday, November 29, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Eamonn reviews MacGruber
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask ofSHITE! Light
Infected by the evil of D.Y.H.A.T.M? Eamonn went insane with SatanicPower, Given that SatanicOstrich has left hell months ago, To shorten the time to the next TICKET TO HELL event, SatanicEamonn Destroyed the Multiverse Switchyard, Weakening the walls of the Mulitiverse, In short fiction is bleeding into reality, With the task completed, Eamonn turned back to normal)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION)
Theme of the Month-from the soundtrack
Gerry Rafterty Baker's street
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7--mbE05A4I
Most Americans reading this would probably go up in Arms to why a film based on a sketch from America's biggest show, Saturday Night Live, would appear here on BBO, Ireland and the world's home for text reviews of Terrible Films?
I Answered my Own Question.
SNL Is AMERICA'S Biggest show, It's only shown in America, So when SNL, National Lampoon, and Kids In the Hall release a film into Europe, it's only through the goodwill of Cinema Patrons wheter that film is a hit or not.
And Believe me, Macgruber is no Wayne's World! It maybe Wayne's World 2, but it's no Wayne's World.
For those who never watch SNL, heard of it or Seen it parodied on every single WB cartoon since the 90's, I'll give you the skinny.
Macgruber is a 5 minute sketch based on 80's series, MacGyver. The sketch consists of Macgruber (played by Will Forte) trying to defuse a bomb only to get distracted and get blown up. It's one trick pony some how became an ad for Pepsi and then, this a 90 minute film.
So it's a film,
based on an ad,
Based on a 5 minute sketch,
Based on a parody,
Based on a 80's tv show?
Not since they made Rowan Atkinson's Barlaycard ads into Johnny English have I soiled myself in terror!
So let's blow the lid off the lid, peer inside and try not to inhale the fumes, this is MacGruber.
You'd be Mistaken, like I was, when I Saw the opening scene A Russian unit is killed by terrorists who steal a missle, Taking no prisioners. the Terrorists, led by Val Kilmer, even disptches a lone Survivor with a Bond one-liner.
Until the Opening credits show the Title charecter in stupid situations as expositary Lyrics play out. A secret file shows the blacklisted inventor's follies , as great as he is, he's also a major fuck-up.
We Cut to Ecudor, where Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe) and General. Faith are searching for Mac, now a monk living with the natives, only much like ace Ventura 2, they want to get rid of him!
The General tells Mac that his arch-nemesis Dieter von Cunte (Kilmer) (yes really! Forte must follow the George Lucus School of Terrible Villian Names) has stolen the warheads. Enraged, Mac still refuses to help.
That night Mac dreams of the day Cunte killed his bride to be. This convinces Mac to join the search for Cunte, but has issues with the rookie Piper so he reforms his old posse made up of wwe wrestlers Chris Jericho, Mark Hungry, The Great Krappi, Kane the immobile slab of Meat, Big slow and former wwe wrestler Mvp. he also finds Vicki St Elmo. (Kristen Wiig) who refuses. After telling us the van over his shoulder has the wrestlers and Homemade c4. It blows up on cue, killing his posse and making the wrestlers cameos, pointless.
In fact MacGruber had more screen time on wwe promoting his film than the wrestlers had in this film. Jericho had 3 lines everyone else had 1 line and Big show didn't even speak.
Or maybe Jericho got payed in advance and fucked off to play in his 3rd rate rock band!
Without a team, Mac is off the case, after bribing Piper to let him sodomise him, Piper joins him and Vicki has a change of heart.
We cut to Las vegas, as the search for Von Cunte starts in a casino he usually haunts. He does this blowing his cover and the entire mission. But no-one takes him seriously, but the security tells Cunte anyway.
Back to our Heroes, Mac has the inspiredly stupid plan of Dressing vicki as him. In the hopes that the criminals would be stupid enough not to just shoot their target on sight. But since this is a parody with Genre savvy villians and genre blind heroes, they attack the van with the MCGRBR Vanity plates.
After Killing the henchman with his van, Piper and Vicki find clues that lead the team to an abandoned railroad. After distacting the guards by Dancing Naked with Celery up his ass. (Seriously, Movie, I need to bleach my eyes!) Vicky dressed as a BEARDED! henchman gets shot at, surprisingly. The villians escape with missles launch codes as Mac's Homemade tennisball grenades are just tennisballs. Just as Mac fucks up tracing a call, Col. Faith provides intel on A V.I.P. party Von Cunte is throwing.
We cut to Salt Lake City, where Mac and Vicki crash Von Cunte's Party, with both being wired to Dixon. After Arguing about a passing comment about a guest being handsome, an angry Mac finds Cunte playing Poker. After insults and telling the nice villian who's on his team, Vicky spies a senator getting bribed.
Returning to D.C., Col. Faith takes Mac off the case. He reveals to Dixon why Cunte killed his wife. appartently he stole her from him.
Okay, standard fare. Nothing bad
.....Until he says he stole her, while she was pregnant with Dieter's baby and told her to abort it, and when she refused...Well, I dare go on, but the term "D.I.Y Job" was used!
Movie, you done crossed the line!
The heroes are ambushed and Mac uses Piper as a Human Shield, Despite him wearing Kevlar, He doesn't apprieciate Mac's Cowardice. When performing first aid, Vicky confesses her love and makes love with Mac. Heeerrresss Will forte's ass on your screen again!
Ashamed, Mac goes to his wife's grave. he is visited by his wive's ghost. he then Proceeds to...fuck the ghost, Giving us another screenfull of pasty ass!
He deduces post supernatural Coitus, that Cunte will nuke the State of the Union Address, Just as the crooked senator kills Col. Faith.
Mac returns to Vicky's, Only to find she's being kipnapped. Arming himself with the contents of a sewing box and a Celery up his ass, he apoligizes to piper.
So let's end this! The others go to rescue Vicki, But she frees herself, Cunte captures Mac to frame him for the attack, Cunte cuts Mac's Mullet, turns him apeshit, Piper sticks celery up his ass, Vicki knows Kung Fu, Cunte gets blown, only for Mac to finish the job at Vicki's and his wedding, but not before pissing and shitting on his skeletonised remains! Because that's what a likable hero does!
THIS FILM BIG TIME SUCKS!
Did i need to see Will Forte's ass every 5 minutes? I know, that's an abrupt way to start a paragraph, but if Forte thought people wanted to see him as a stupid, homophobic,xenophonic,ill-mannered,Morally bankrupt 'Murican, He was surely Mistaken. Once again, Wiig is in a film where her talents are wasted, (Ditto Phillippe). When did Val Kilmer get fat? he looks terrible, he looks like former Nfl player turned wrestler Steve "mongo" McMichael!
While many films have socially awkward heroes, usually their mixture of determined spirit and endearing charm, wins the day and usually the girl. But MacGruber is neither Mr. Bean or Ali G or Happy Singh (How's that for an obscure Film reference?). Here we have a charecter from 5 minute shorts. And much like caffiene, sugar and fat, a little MacGruber is all people can tolerate!
CREDITS
MacGruber was reviewed, Edited, and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music:
Baker's Street by Gerry Rafterty
MacGruber is Distrubuted by Universal
All Rights Reserved.
Follow me on twitter @saveusPOE
Next month: CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Bionicle Mask of
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)