(narration in brackets)
(EAMONN AND THE GOD-BOTHERERS LINES IN BLACK)
(jOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)
(Padraig's lines in grey)
(Joe-jack's father was dead.
Of this fact it was undisputed.
And yet, Never once in the 17 years Padraig DiCulchie had died, Did Joe-jack take down the sign that claimed his house as a bnb)
(His father was a landlord in life and in a more previous life, he was a musician, The house was always filled with music,but something happened when Joe-jack was a boy and the hotblooded father's heart turned cold. And turned to murder the tourists he once welcomed. He never took down the sign as a testament to continue his father's xenophobic ways.)
(But unlike his father, Joe-jack was tight. Oh, he was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching old Sinner, the cold within him thickened his voice, lengthened his beard, nipped his beard and left a frosty rim as a hairline. No-one stopped Joe-jack to say "hello" to him,lest he get an earful of whatever petty grudge he had against that person stewing in that warped head of his.)
(One day after turning 3 Tantalos Drones back into villagers after the Black Knight review, Joe-Jack was in his office (Actually a broken down toilet,it was the only place where joe-jack's smell would not be complained about!) When Eamonn came in.)
Merry Christmas Joe-jack!
Merry Christmas, says you? YE CAN FUCK YA MERRY CHRISTMAS,SO YA CAN!
-Surely you don't mean that?
-Bah Humbug
-Now don't be cross!...
-WOT ELSE CAN I BE? Wot would o'fools is dis? when we are in recession,and instead ov balancin' bukes, we find ourselves a year older and not an hour richer! If Oi had moi way, I'd make sure every eejit wif "merry Christmas" on his lips be honeyglazed and roasted with his own ham! And buried with a stake ov holly tru his heart, so he should!
Joe-Jack!
-Townie bastid, let me celebrate Christmas my way!
Celebrate it? you don't celebrate it! you curse it!
GET OV MY LAND!
-....It's a toilet...
-*GUNSHOT*
(That night at his house,Joe-jack sat in the living room staring at the broken tv, he just broke, as the Christmas ads got on his nerves, his mother had returned from bingo, But by let her in he had let two Godbotherers come to his door.
(the first well dressed, fat man gazed at the sign.) it seems to a bnb but it's not registered on any website...
WADYAWONT???!?
Pardon me to ask if i am addressing Mr Diculchie or his son?
I am da sun! but me dad has being shtone dead fer 17 yar! 17 yar tonight!
At this festive time, sir, It is desirable for those in business to put provision aside for the poor and destitute, Do you have an amount to give?
Yes.
Splendid! how much can i put you down for?
Nuthin' but tell me dis if want to sort out the homeless,tell me dis? Are There no Bullets?
Yes, I would prefer if their weren't...
And Are There no Rivers?
Why yes we passed one getting here....
THEN SHOOT DA QUICK BASTIDS AND DROWN THE SLOW BASTIDS!
(And with that he closed the door with a forceful shove, the noise loosened a picture of Joe-jack's father, picking it up, it seemed to glare disappointingly at his son.)
That night, Joe-Jack slept uneasy as the fire died down,Staring half-asleep at the embers, The clock struck 12 times. For each chime, the dying fire rekindled it's flames, dancing like Satan's merry minions in the bowels of the Inferno, the smoke wreathed around the room, forming a man who similar in build,and size and face of Joe-Jack.
Who are ya?
-Ask me who i woz!
Who Woz y..
-Ah da chake ov ya! Doncha recognize ya Auld Man?
Noah! DIS IS A DREAM! YE ARENT REAL!
Why do ya mistrust ye own senses?
Cos things can play tricks on dem! this is no more than a bout ov Indigestion! you may be a bit ov beef, a squart ov mustard, a crumb ov cheese, dat piece of uncooked potato in my teeth. Dere's more of gravy than of grave abou' ya,wotever ya are!
So ye think Oi'm Inter-ma-gestion d'ya?
Ya!
Can INDIGESTION DO DIS?
(Despite being weight down by chains, Padraig kicked Joe-jack in the balls!)
DERE'S YA INDIGESTION, YA SHITEHAWK!
(Cough) Okay so ye'ar real! But tell me, Why didya come back?
In Life, Every Man's Soul's Duty is to share all with his fellah man, coz if he doesn't in life, He must do so in Death. And-WOE IS ME!-For 17 yar Oi've bein' travellin'-t'teach miserable gobshites like ye who would sleep on the floor if dere woz work in da bed!
Tonight ye will be visited by Three ghosts
-good only 2 more
3 More GHOSTS,Not counting myself! Take heed ov dem. Each of dem will come by the hour.
(the Smoke starts to disipate up the chimley)
My time is short, remember what oi said, look for me no more, for you will see your miserable future!
(Up the Chimney went the spirit of Padraig DiCulchie. Not obeying his father, he looked out the window to see His father, rejoined the ranks of the Legion of the Dammed, Mocking and taunting a homeless man sleeping rough. What wretched Philosophy did they practice? That they suffering in death can take joy from the suffering of the living? Joe-jack turned to fire it had burned out despite it blazing like hell mere moments ago.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Eamonn reviews Black Knight part 2
(THE STORY SO FAR....
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?
Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)
....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.
CALLED IT!
In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.
So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!
As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!
It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.
Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.
So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.
But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!
After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8 plays out!
The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...
So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.
Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!
I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!
So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,
He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs
So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!
THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!
We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!
However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!
So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on the TGWTG FORUM as EnlightenedIrishman, or friend me at youtube at
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
The new technology wave has finally made it's way to Da Wesht ov Ireland, Leading the way is the Tantalos Corporation, Headed by Butt-craic's own Edwin Tantalos, a man that most of Butt-craic cannot remember, but at least his factory's phones are cheap! despite that one little glitch of turning people into the silvery Anomaly that "saved" 80's Lad! and why does Tantalos look like him aged by 30 years?
Meanwhile, Eamonn still stuck in Butt-Craic, reviewed Black Knight, a horrible, Historically inaccurate honking heap of horse-shit! Here Martin Lawrence plays the character he always plays, is transported back to middle ages England, where surprisingly their are Black and Asian people speaking English, with English accents! After inventing r'nb, and trouncing assassins to the evil king, Jamal was made a Lord and planned on inventing Fast food restaurants. Life was good for the rubber-faced Dick-head!)
....Until the king orders Jamal to kill a man for stealing a turnip! His back turned Jamal lets him go.
After pretending to sleep with Victoria to stop the randy guards from eavesdropping, Jamal is convinced by today's actions to help the rebellion,while at the same time, be a yellow-belly spineless coward! Later that night a silhouette of a young woman with curly hair enters Jamal's Quarters. The next morning the real messenger from Normandy has arrived. Not only has the lie being found out, the bait and switch is revealed as Jamal has just macked Princess Regina's Royal BOOT-AY!
So King Leo has ordered the guards to clap Jamal in Irons.
CALLED IT!
In prison, the assassins tell Jamal the legend of the black knight, a Man who wielded a golden sword and ate a dragon's heart to gain his fire-breathing powers.
So Jamal is to be executed, but he says he is a sorcerer, he use a lighter, but the locals are unimpressed,
"We've Got Fire!"
I can't believe how Genre Savvy that line was!
As an executioner who was eating melon starts to choke, the crowd of hundreds who saw him eat the melon goes Genre Blind and calls it a "curse of death". Jamal performs the Heimlich on him. Getting Cocky, he says that he will make the sun fall, a fiery arrow strikes the royal box making a woman scream"it's the sun"
Lady, you act like you never seen an arrow before!
It's revealed that Nolte is firing said arrows as Victoria dreys a get-away carriage, Jamal falls out but Nolte gives him a ride to the Rebel base.
Victoria is angry that Jamal had raided the princess'"treasure cave". Jamal promises to bring her to 2001, but Victoria wants to fight the queen despite the others treating her like a servant.
So Nolte is ambushed by Percival's men, But Jamal beats them with simple boxing, a form of combat re-invented by knights to practice their sword fighting techniques in peace times. So in reality Jamal would have had his ass handed to him.
But When Jamal is outnumbered, Nolte comes to his rescue. Returning to camp, it has being burnt down and Victoria kidnapped, As Jamal tries to rally the remaining rebels, the Queen reveals herself!
After a badly-acted monologue, Jamal steps up to give a speech befitting a political rally. We have a Montage of jamal training the peasants in American Football (or Soft-Boy Rugby as i can it!) and wrestling as this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ROzGihgCj8 plays out!
The night before the siege, Jamal gives Nolte his sneakers, Nolte has a gift too, a knights helmet, During the night Jamal spray-paints the helmet black and melts some gold over a sword...
So rebels are being killed off left right and centre, Until Jamal as the Black Knight returns! Jamal also fitted his spraycan and lighter to"breathe fire". So an unarmed Jamal with his theatrics is enough to defeat skilled knight armed with weapons! Percival kills King Leo and Nolte, who gives Jamal his sword.
Jamal defeats Percy in armed Combat but an ambush is halted when Percival is killed by an arrow, it turns out that Nolte PULLED OUT THE ARROW THAT WAS KILLING HIM AND WITH HIS DYING BIT OF STRENGTH, KILLED HIS KILLER WITH THE ARROW THAT DONE HIM IN!
I'm Sorry but that's fucking awesome!
So as Jamal is being knighted it turns out that he bumped his head of a shopping trolley in the moat and was in a coma,
He time-travelled via head injury to solve a long forgotten crime!
You know where I'm Going with this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIMP6-KBSCs
So Jamal plans on giving Boss Stick some ideas for the park, Six weeks later a newly refurbished Medieval world is raking in customers, Jamal is working at the batting cages(?) when he meets Victoria's modern day counter part? Anyway when he goes to ask her number, he falls in the moat and ends up in the coliseum, chased by lions!
THIS FILM SUCKS!...but it's not the worst!
We actually get some pretty decent development of Jamal, Victoria and Nolte, all of these characters have put themselves in miserable existence that they could has gotten out of themselves with some courage, For Jamal it's a sense of Honour and humility that would help him get back home, for Victoria the serving wench in an arranged marriage (which was never really discussed) got over herself, or rather she would if the rebels didn't realise that she really was the brains of the outfit, and finally Nolte got over his shame of being drunk in the queen's service as the queen forgave him and his heroic sacrifice was awesome!
However, as pointed out frequently, the story has padding, and huge historically inaccuracies, there was also the loose end of what happened to the princess after the Sex scene? was she killed? banished? we never find out! the ending was sequel Bait but who's biting? the lesson was learned and so the sequel would not be need!
So that was Black Knight, a film as historically accurate as Hysteria!
CREDITS
Black Knight review was written, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with Music and footage
in part 1:
Clips from:
Black Knight
Star wars episodeIII: REVENGE OF THE SITH
With music:
Back in time by Eiffiel 65
In Part 2:
Clips from:
Life from Mars
with music:
James Brown- Get up offa that thing
Black knight is property of 20TH Century fox and all clips belong to their respected owners.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on the TGWTG FORUM as EnlightenedIrishman, or friend me at youtube at
http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
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