Eamonn Reviews Black Knight Part 1

(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(MARY'S LINES IN PINK)
(FATHER TACS-CRYME IN GREEN)
JOHNNY SPRINGCHICKEN IN BROWN
(???? IN GREY)
(THE STORY SO FAR...
THE SEARCH FOR EIGHTIES LAD CONTINUES, AS THE TEMPERLY DISPLACED SIDEKICK HAS BEING MISSING SINCE MARCH, HOWEVER HIS RETURN HAS BEING BRIEF AS EVERY TIME HE IS SEEN A STRANGE BEING WITH THE ABILITY TO SUBVERT REALITY, DELETES ANYTHING THAT GETS CLOSE. WITH THE DESPERATE SEARCH CONTINUING, It's hard to forget that life goes on elsewhere in the Village of Buttcraic...

(Mary's shop, Butt-craic, Da Wesht ov Ireland)
Mary is splitting up packs coke and drawing over NOT FOR SINGLE SALE with a black felt tip marker, when the village priest Fr. Tacs-Cryme Enters.
Good Mornin' Mary! Oi've come fer da Collection box, so i have!
Oh father! tell me dis, Is you doin' da mass on Saturday Nite?
NOAH! It's either going to be Fr. Sleese or Fr. Hip-O'Crite.
Not Fr.Perve or Fr.Lecher?
Noah! They'll be workin' at the orfanage!

(the Door bell ring again and in comes Aging lothario, Johnny Springchicken, Dress to the nines, his (remaining) Hair slicked back with pomade, holding a futuristic mobile phone.

What ye got dere, Johnny?
Dis is Da brand new Tantalos 666-1300! It's da mosht advanced phone on da market!
I never heard ov Tantalos?
Are you sure? Edwin Tantalos came from Butt-craic! and now he is a Multi-billionaire!
(Johnny pulls out a newspaper article of the local concillor shaking hands with Tantalos.It's Eighties Lad aged by 30 years! Over the picture the headline reads:
LOCAL MAN RETURNS WITH PHONE FACTORY AND NEW JOBS!

Johnny gets a phone call.)
Whos calling ya,
No-one! i have no-one in my contacts! Dat's why i came in here!
Hello?
(Out of the phone the silvery being engulfs Johnny, he collapses.)
Oh god he died! In me shop
Johnny are you okay?
("Johnny" rises his face and hands mere silver fragments of floating data.)
REJOICE! FOR TODAY! YOU WILL BE SAVED!

AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
This months theme: Back in time by Eifiel 65
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxWFlLEOC4s
With the Tripe that was nazis at the centre of the eath last month behind us, I throw punches to the far right. It's only fair i throw some punches at the left.

Lets talk about one of my bugbears when it comes to films
Political Correctness
Don't get me wrong,I am the most p.c man you will ever meet, I rarely make rascist jokes bar a character is blatantly a stereotype, Having a film with actors of different diversities usually adds a level of believability to the perfomance.

However that falls on it arse, when the setting is not modern times, Most black actors refuse to do westerns or slave-trade era films, but films about European history? When there was no Black people? Like say middle ages England?
(And Yes, I know Italy had Citizens of African Descent during that era, I've seen Doctor Who's Vampires in Venice too, unfortunatly!)

With World history about to be taken out in a Drive-by, this is Black Knight

The film starts with Martin Lawrence's Character of Jamal doing Martin Lawrence-esque Mugging the Camara, Jamal is a man full of himself and Dependent on technology.

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen! The same character Martin Lawrence always plays!

Jamal lives in Normandy street, Los Angeles,
PLOT POINT!
He works in a run down medievil themed theme park. We are told that Jamal's workplace will be competing against a second Medievil themed park. Jamal thinks that rather than competing with Castle world, that they should cash-out. Mainly because Jamal has applied for a job there.
Our Hero Ladies and Gentl...OH WAIT I DID THAT JOKE ALREADY!

Because of his Smack talk, Boss Stick makes Jamal clean the moat, He has a play sword fight with a Colleague, until the gleam of a pendant in the moat catches Jamal's eye. He grabs it with intention of pawning it, but is pulled back in time to Middle Ages England emerging out of a a pristine lake and onto the Angered Attention of an unkempt Man.

Despite the moat not being connected to any river or open sewer, and in reality Jamal would ended up in the desert, Jamal thinks he has washed up on Castle World, the rival park. He mets Noltegue Marlborough though for quickness he is referred from now on as Nolte, a disgraced Knight who faints after a few minutes from a drunken stupor. After making Gay and Rascist Jokes, Jamal goes to perform Mouth-to-Mouth but Nolte's breath is rank making Jamal use a mint spray, reviving him. As gratitude Nolte brings him back to his camp, However Jamal thinks Nolte is a hobo, he gives him a dollar bill, to which he throw on the fire for warmth.

Exploring the woods, Jamal stumbles on a village where he is nearly ran over by Knights on Horseback, one of them is our Villian,Percival. Jamal thinking thats how Castle World haze new employees (I must point out that Jamal only APPLIED! for a job, he doesn't have it yet!) he goes to complain. After spouting stuff about L.A., when he mentions he is from Normandy (street), he is let inside. Still convinced he is at an amusement park, he overhears a puppet show telling the legend of the black knight.
PLOT POINT AND TITLE DROP!
Other side of the castle a princess and her ladies-in-waiting are discussing her arranged marraige, oh Did I mention that the princess....is BLACK!??!!?
IN ENGLAND! IN! THE! MIDDLE! FUCKING! AGES! IN BRITIAN! WHICH IS AN ISLAND! THAT WOULDN'T HAVE PORTS FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS! IN ENGLAND! THE WARS WITH IRELAND WAS BECAUSE A CATHOLIC KING SUCCEEDED THE THRONE! THAT WOULD BE NOTHING IN COMPARSION! IF THE KING IN DARK AGES ENGLAND WAS DARK AS WELL!
Oh and 1 of the ladies in waiting is Asian.
Britain will not become dependent on paper, tea and opium and have a market for them to come over for another 500 years!

Calm down Eamonn you're just 15 minutes. As long as there is nothing Historically Inaccurate or Stupid you'll be...Oh who Am i Kidding?

So Jamal chants up Victoria using Ebonics, and considering he has masqueraded as a hated Norman, told guards he wanted to beat up guards and now chatting up a be throed woman, I think Jamal may be clapped in Irons!

So it was revealed she is not a princess as the dvd cover called her, but a chambermaid.
Makes more sense to be a servant, makes no sense why they are BLACK AND ASIAN PEOPLE SPEAKING ENGLISH, WITH ENGLISH ACCENTS!

Trying to score her number, she is impressed that Jamal can read and write. Then Percival appears, feeling up Victoria, Jamal calls him out and Percival calls him a Moor

HISTORY LESSON!
A "MOOR" was a African-Muslim during the Crusades.

A chamberlain tells Jamal that the king will see him. It's revealed that Jamal's last name is ....Skywalker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s

Because he believes is in theme park he doesn't realise the danger he has gotten into, pretending to be a messenger was punishable by death.

So Jamal gives a false message about the duke coming to marry the Princess Regina on Tuesday. I'm sure it would not turn and bite Jamal on the ass(!)

So Jamal is given a tour of the castle, but when he needs the toilet and has to use a privy, (a hole over a ditch!) he realises that this may just be the Middle Ages.
So...the lack of roads, the Sudden drop in temperature,the florae and faunae not found in California, the English accents, and fact that no-one understood every second word you said. And the only thing that has cracked your suspicion is having to pee and poo in a hole?

He realises that he has gone back in time, When a Rebel is beheaded in front of him.

Revived by Victoria in her quarters, its revealed that Jamal is in England circa 1328, the Medallion that bought Jamal to this time is unexpectedly hung around his neck is the symbol of the resistance movement that Victoria is a member of. But Jamal is not only greedy, he is a coward also.

So the King's Chamberlain returns to say that a horse is prepared for him. After a unfunny scene of trying to ride a horse, and a less funny scene with leeches, Jamal is invited to a banquet, After spouting some bull about fast food, Jamal is disturbed by Middle ages ettique, basically He has to wait another century for the fork to be invented, Still believing Jamal to be a Norman, King Leo requests that Jamal should dance
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-(CALMS DOWN!) some things cannot be put into words. They can only be seen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LolQfg1Cw18
THAT'S RIGHT!
Martin Lawrence has turned 12th century England into the BIRTHPLACE!...OF R'NB!
Let it be known that not all us whiteys from Britain are squares!

While two rebels goes to kill Leo, as Darnce(BAD ENGLISH ACCENTS EXPLAINS THE SPELLING) the Princess Regina kisses jamal, Pissing off the knights in an attempt to save his own miserable life, Jamal inadvertently takes out the two rebel assassins.

As payment, King Leo makes Jamal a Lord, But Jamal doesn't want land, he has other ideas to make the kingdom Money, namely inventing the Frappecino!
Yes, coffee has existed since the Qur'an was written even more than that, but i doubt in the middle of the Crusades, halfway killing the Muslims that the templers were stopping at Starbucks!
and he wants to invent the fast food restaurants.

Remember that this was film to teach an arsehole an important life lesson? YEAH instead we are going to dick around with some filler

(the 3 drones teleport into the office.)
DELETE ALL ORGANICS!

Speaking of filler, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this review once we deal with these...things see you next week..unless we get deleted!

Hallowe'en Special:Eamonn Reviews Nazis at the Centre of the Earth.

(DUE TO THE  GRAPHIC MATERIAL BEING REVIEWED THIS MONTH, READER DISCRESTION IS ADVISED!)
(EAMONN'S REVIEW IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK'S LINES IN BLUE)

(Eamonn was up in Butt-craic, Da Wesht Ov Ireland, visting joe-jack, when he got up to leave. Joe-jack cocked his rifle at Eamonn's head. Eamonn wasn't suprised at it's pratically "Hello" in Da Bogs.
-An' where d'yer think ye are goin'?
Home!

-Think again ya Shitehawk! It's October so Da Zombie Tourists are out again, so dey are!

(see Hallowe'en 2009 for more details!)
...And there is....Sumpthing Else!
-Worse than Zombies?
-Ya! It a silverly yoke, like a light-shaped like a person. I saw it feed on Da Zombie ov me Aunty Margo, It covered it in its colours and left nothin'
-Like she was "deleted"?
-You mean like Ahties Lad? You mean?
-I Really Don't know! But if this thing is hunting zombies without trouble, then this rescue mission has become a retrival Mission!

And now our feature presentation.

This Months theme-Who Do you think you are Kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnRIejYv9mo
Nazi's at the Centre of the Earth!
Roll the footage!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvYANkbuvdY

No, this is real! this existed someone actually made this! And when you find that the Asylum made this you will Understand why this is being reviewed here!

For those who watch Bad movie Beatdown every friday morning on TGWTG, you will be familer with the Asylum, a film studio who creates straight to dvd rip-offs major blockbusters with the purpose of fleecing money from unsuspecting dvd shops. Asylum are responsible for films like Transmorphers, The Terminators, AvH:Alien vs Hunter, Battle of Los Angeles, and Almighty Thor.

With that said said, Lets dig into Syfy's (B-COZ PUR LITARA-C IZ.... KEWL!) Nazis at the Centre of the Earth and see why would anyone make this film!

The Film starts, funnily enough in Germany 1944 as Nazis loads Strange Machines onto a plane, Until they are interruptted by Conspicious CGI Tanks.

Cut to Antarticia present day, 2 explorers are doing ecological research for a nearby prametcutcal envoy when they find a nazi bunker by accident they turn to find soldiers who kidnap them

Back at the base,Lucas a young scientist exposes that his mentor, Dr Rystad (Jake Busey) for attemping to him and his crew a flesh eating virus, When news that Mark and Paige did not return All the remaining explorers go find their friends, even Dr Rystade but he argues/exposistes that he is only one that has being on King George Island before so he know where to look.

We cut to Mark being experimented on, his skin ripped off his face!

Back to the CGI snowplow, the rest of the explorers descent down a tunnel 50 feet below sea level. The Token Asian says he can hear machinery down a tunnel.

At the same time Paige(Dominique Swain) escapes her cell finding mark and a nazi zombie with his face. they have being keeping themselves alive with spare body-parts!  She stumbles into a cold room where she is recaptured.

Lucas is revealed to be paige fiance, who descend down the shaft, Dr Rystade, who is certainly not a villian,cuts the rope with a concealed knife.Rystade's girlfriend Sylvia to go after him who stumbles onto an Underground City.

Wow, Ember must be under new management!

Paige saves herself from being a doctor and being of Germain descent.

Back to the explorers, some are feeling fatigued and Rystade is giving out bottles of water, he was ousted as a poisioner in the first 15 minutes, why would you apart from directions why would you trust him?

So the Big Reveal is that Rystade is a Villian who has being leading explorers to the hidden city like a Judas' Goat for Dr Mengiller aka the Angel of Death. Not only are they medically advanced to stave of death, but technologically advanced making Lazer guns. that vapourises the Jewish Dr Blassman.

So BLAH BLAH BLAH, Global Domination,BLAH BLAH BLAH,Rise of the Fourth Riech, BLAH BLAH BLAH, Paige is Heel turned.

Betrayed, Lucas and his team has no choice to help Mengiller to heal the soldiers Later the women are separated and Angela is raped, the deal made to spare their lives only made to the white members of Lucas' team, While the others are expected to be raped for them its going to be much worse!
May is killed and the Orderly's new skin graft is that of Angela's Tattoo confirming that she was also killed.

May's Brain is exposed as Rystade harvests the brain into the machine in the opening scene. Sylvia reveals she is pregnent with Rystade's baby who punches her and knocks her out!

When Sylvia wakes up, Rystade and Mengiller discuss extracting the fetus for it's stem cells.
-okay its one thing to maim adults but to kill unborn children-even if it is a film-that just goes against decency!-Anyway the stem cells have being used for their master plan-A Cyborg Hitler and a Fleet of UFOS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgR3N8y4boQ
Token Asian is decapitated by cyborg Hitler Whose head seemingly become a wax-head of a black man!

Back in the bunker, Mellinger is killed by Paige making a face Turn, Lucas kills the zombie with Marks face by ripping it off! Finding a flayed Mark, they put him out of his misery,

Stealing the vapourisers that killed Blassman, Lucas,Paige and a Red Shirt make an escape, Rystad Kidnaps Sylvia, boarding the craft. The UFO attacks a British Plane with a Electro-magnetic Pulse. The Scientists find out that The UFO is armed with Missiles filled with Rystad's Virus. The red shirt is killed by Cyborg Hitler. Sylvia Sacrifices herself to destroy the cockpit of the the saucer, Lucas and Paige Survive, but so does Cyborg Hitler, But Lucas infects Hitler with a vial of the Rystad Virus which in his death throes, makes Hitler throw himself into the ocean.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS FILM!
One one hand, Gruesome horror superb make-up and for a change, the Asylum, famous for its rip-offs,worked on a original script,

However,those easily offended should give this a wide berth, If you can get over the shock value, You'll find the Asylum's other calling cards, Close-ups to thinly conceal actors reading idiot-cards, Rubbish CGI and twists as subtle as a punch in the face (Oh the doctor who was giving his crew a virus with a German surname is...EVIL!?!? GIVE ME A BREAK!)
In Summary this film could have being successful, if done by anyone else!

CREDITS
Nazis at the centre of the earth review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Nazi's at the centre of the Earth
Atop the fourth Wall
And Music:
Who Do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? (Dad's Army theme)
I'm now a member of the TGWTG FORUM! My username is EnlightenedIrishman, drop me a line! I usually hang in the wrestling thread in the sport forums.