Eamonn reviews sex and the city

(This months theme- Material Girl by Madonna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUadW2eWsKg )

Hello and welcome to bogger box offi-I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY! I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY! I HATE IT I HATE IT! HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEE!
(Joe-jack throws a bucket of water at Eamonn!)

thank you for that!

For those who never saw the show, ie those who were born with a dick! sex and the city follows the lives of 4 women, one of them actually hot, as they fuck, shop, eat cake and drink while all the time you wonder how they can afford all this if only one of them has a steady job.

so leave your manhood at the door, this is Sex and the city: the movie1!

So the film starts with stock footage of new york city

wow after 9/11, this is the second worst thing to happen to new york
(AUDIENCE BOOS!)
 Oh what, what, what?
as carrie (Sarah Jessica "Horse-Face" Parker) narrates what little charector development she has.

"every year 20 somethings come to NYC for two Ls, Labels and Love"

THAT'S RIGHT GIRLS! you should always look good to impress men and spend loads of money to do so.
No way you should settle for a man who would devote his life to you, only go for a man whose hair colour matches your hand-bag! Because that what matter's right(?)

so we are introduced to the other charectors, Charrlotte(kirsten "The Hot One Davis) Miranda (Cynitha "Moose" Nixon) and Samantha (Kim Skeletor Catthrall)

so the back-story is concised for each charector charrlotte married and adopted a daughter, Miranda got married and birthed a son and....Sam is a slut!

Meanwhile carrie and big are now moving into a big apartment,which big pays for and Friends Rent control (hi tv tropes!) strikes again.

so after a pointless scene that only serve to make Sam and Carrie unlikable, Big proposes to Carrie, with all but Sam happy about it, but Carrie wants her to be maid of honour. Meanwhile Charrottle freaks out that the announcement appears in the newspaper. Vogue offers to photograph Carrie in Bridal courture
 soreing a free dress by Vivian Westwood in the procress.

So while returning library books carrie stumbles across a wedding, so she decides to get married there too.

You know i love going to the chipper! i dont love it so much that i'll get married in one!

Meanwhile Miranda is feeling complacent in her marraige as her and Steve struggle to have a sex-life and a family.

So carrie moves out of her old apartment which causes Sam to channel Bender from Futurama by saying
"I've heard worse excuses to drink!"

In the next scene, Steve husband confesses to cheating on her.

Meanwhile the stress of marraige is getting to big.

So it's the rehearsal dinner and Steve arrives and after an argument, Miranda tells big "Marraige Ruins Everything!

FORESHADOWING!

Now Its the big day and a series of WACKY events makes big leave
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!

But when Big apoligises, Carrie doesn't want to hear it.

So Carries honeymoon is now a Slapper's World Tour of Mexico as her Soriety of Sluts arrived with her
so charrlotte who didn't want to eat any mexican foos for fear of diareera. accidently drinks tap-water and poops herself.

this is the film idea of uplifting humour after the cheating and wedding angles beforehand. I'll let that sink in for a while.

So carrie returns to her old flat and decides to hire a P.A. Enter Louise who is basicly a black version of Series one Carrie, they also lampshade the Friends Rent control more than i did in this review.

Meanwhile Miranda and her son search for an apartment in China-Town,Charlotte is pregnant and next scene....
(kim Catrall Sex Scene)
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
(Eamonn stabs himself in the eyes!)

so after scenes that blur summer, halloween and christmas together...
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
...Its now New years eve! and miranda and steve share custody of their son. we all see the charectors celebrating new years some happily and some not!
and now its valentines day!
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
...As Miranda tells carrie what dhe told big....and Sam is still a slut!

so miranda forgives steve and do want ever American does.
Pay a head-shrinker rather than sort out the problem themselves. But nonetheless forgive each other

Meanwhile Sam is still slut!

Charlotte sees big and gets into an agrument with him, causing her water to break.

So lets get this over with!
Carrie finds love letters from big, they remarry and it seems happy ever after that is until this film sales did more than break-even and made a sequel!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
Are we Supposed to feel sorry for Carrie, because Horse face comes of as self-centred and uncaring. the adding of the charector Louise as Carrie's morality pet was a good choice. I also liked Miranda Cheating storyline and the performance by Nixon in general. However i hated Catrall's one dimesional charector the rushed timing, horrible foreshadowing and cliched ending.

But i can take away the fact that there is no Film worse than this....

(A shooting star pierces the sky turning it blood red. it lands on eamonn's doorstep as a dvd cover. as it glows and crackles with eldritch powers, the actors on the cover seem to laughing at him. He picks the case up to read the name)

Leap Year?

OH FUCK!

Eamonn,joe-jack and 80s lad review Inception part 2

so to pick up where we left off, Aria was killed in a dream by dom's wife, forcing her to leave but dom has a feeling she'll be back. so he leaves for africa to hire a forger called Eves.
So Eves talks more big words abou' Inception and FUCK DAT SHITE! I WANTZ AN ACTION SEQUENCE!
So the dream police chase after eves and dom with GUUUNNNNSSSS!!!! (Childish gun noises) 
but Saito saves them.
Aria returns to the team and starts dream a powerful maze and is told that dom's wife is dead and she is a projection of his guilt for not seeing his childern.
So dom go to a chemist as a job of this size will need sedation.
now the team is formed with Saito coming in as the Final dreamer
WITH THIS ANIMIGHT, I MAGINE FARROQ!

So the chemist reveals that he is for the lack of a better term running a dream -rehab as dreams are appartently addictive and people need treatment to wake them.
Try poking 'em with a Stick!
I know how they feel. i was on the coke...but i switched to Pepsi, man!
Saito tells us the full plan he wants to force a rival to step down from his company so he can take over the world....'s markets! That still warrants an OF COURSE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ

So Arthur cons into robert fisher's (Cillian Murphy) whose father is dying and his uncle also his doctor wants him dead. Eves power of forging explained he can shapeshift in a dream taking the form of the doctor.

Da six thieves have planned to enter OUR MAN'S mind wif 3 dreams, but failure will make them sleep for 10 years.

later that night Aria hijacks Dom's dream of Mol making him angry that she did.

So Aria dives into the darkest memories of his mind, the night of her murder, but by becoming part of the memory Mol kills aria and dom, waking them up.

so they met robert disguised as mourners and put sedative in his drink to knock him out

first dream is to extract a code for his safe. but Robert's subconsious is stronger than they thought creating hitmen and a frikking runaway train to kill everyone.

Saito is wounded and we are told that because of sedation you can die in a dream, yeah they don't explain it that well.

So eves pretends to be da doctah being tortured and tries to convince robert t'take da idea.

So cobb explains to Aria that his wife dreamt so much that she couldn't tell what was real and what was dream. convince she was in a dream, she committed suicide.

the Second dream is to shift blame in robert to his uncle but in the first the car sverves off a bridge causing the gravity to fail.

the Final dream is in russia where those evil commies live!

time to wrap this up!

ya mean put da spuds on!

Saito dies in his sleep, Dom confesses to causing Mol's death, dom kills her, inception is made and the flashback ends with dom rescuing saito from his dream so he can get paid, fishers company is liquidated and dom returns to his childern.

THIS IS THE BEST FILM I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME!
The cast is incredible, the story is outstanding and though the dream world is unimaginitive, the Effect set pieces were just as good as the Action set pieces. Truly the bar for sci-fi has being raised.


well oi'm glad you like this fillium....cos....next month......

.EAMONN'S PATIENCE AND MANHOOD IS TESTED TO ITS LIMIT AS HE REVIEWS.....SEX AND CITY THE MOVIE!

Eamonn, Joe-jack and 80's review Inception part 1

(the 2 year annisversary of pathofenlightment.blogspot.com starts right now!)
(EAMONN'S LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK LINES IN BLUE)
(80'S LAD LINES IN ORANGE)

Todays film is a request by my friend Time to Recycle, and since february is the month i found the main blog, i plan to do something different, i'm doing this review with my carectors Joe-jack,
GET OV MY LAND!
and 80s lad!
DDDUUUUUUUDDDDE!
And hopefully this review will be more funnier than the one by Doug Walker
WALLLLLLLLLKKKAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
So this film, like, starts on a beach, man where Leo Dicaprio is washed up!
ha! i tole ya DEE CRAPPY-O woz washed up!
This is Dom cobb(dicaprio) a thief with the power to enter people's dreams.and he is arrested by japanese police.
So da gards bring him t' an old man that sez he met him 50s years ago.
So Tsang Sung here remembers Dom selling his skills to him. and enters his mind to steal his memories.
And what does his memories take the form of? an envolope in a safe.
Also in da safe room is a memory of a women he had an affair with also cobb is rumbled by Saito and what i call Da Dream Police!
( Eamonn and 80s lad sing this Theme of the Month: Dream Police by cheap trick http://www.youtube.com/?watch?v=PL6SHApk2Z8 as joejack looks confused)
...Anyway dom's akompliss gets shot waking him up in the dream world
so, like, one person wakes from a dream the whole thing falls apart.
so Dom perfoms a bait and switch with the envolope but gets caught in the rumble of a broken dream
so his mate dunk him in a bath that fills his dream with watah, wakin' 'im.
so Dom blackmails Tsang Sung but calls it an "audition". it turns out to be a dream in a dream as crowd gang on Arthur and kills him! Bummer!
So they wake on a bullet train with the job botched. Cut to New york as we learn that Dom has 2 young childern he doesnt see and a wife that may or may not be dead!
So Saito hires Dom fer a special mission not to steal memories but t'plant one: INCEPTION
TITLE DROP!
Saito promises Dom his childern for a good well done
So if i understand dis, Tsang Sung wantz t'go intah a rival mind and put in the mind da idea to retire so Tsang can take over his company and Make his Soul His!

So they go to Paris to find an Architect. i.e. a Dreamer that makes the dream world, because a dream is really a reflection of reality, of real hopes and realistic goals

so all my dreams of screwing supermodels on a pile of money was because i really wanted a sandwich?

so Dom visit his father (Michael Caine) who is angry not just for dom not seeing his childern but using the skills he taught him for monetary gain.
but nonetheless introduces him to Aria (Ellen Page) who passes a riddle set by Dom.
through tecnobabble at a cafe, Dom explains the power that he has bestowed on Aria.
so as the Cafe food explodes all around her( Yeah, i wouldnt eat at Heston Blumenthal's restuarant either), Aria wakes up.
We are told da power was first use to torture soldier as pain in da mind will hurt you but you wake up in dream if your killed.
So Dom wants Aria to extract something from dom's mind as a test. so she changes the dream into a personal games of Tetris.
so Dom tells her that she must subtly change the dream reality or the Subconcious will attack like white blood cells to a germ.
so Aria seems to have broken in Dom's memories and his Subconsious attacks dem. Then Mol, Dom wife kills Aria and...oh i get it!, dead or not his wife is in da Dream Police!
(Eamonn and 80S lad sing Dream police again!)
Shut Da Fuck up!

PART 2 TOMMORROW!