For the past 3 years I've covered the Best my Country of Ireland has offered in film.
From the Thought Provocating...
To the Brutally Honest...
To the Hardhitting.
Not this year!
Instead we have Barry O'Neill Starring, Directing, writing...he Probably flipped the Burgers and Popped His Own popcorn on Opening Night.
I Tried to Find info and Reviews of this film. There is no Wiki page, IMDB has a commentless page where it got middle of the road ratings. And In a world where everything can be found online, for a movie not to have Wiki or Rotten Tomatoes come up as one or two on search is not a good sign.
All I remember back in 2008, I was passing the theatre in Wexford Town, where this film, in my home county was filmed. They set up a combi which played the Film trailer on a loop-5 of the biggest Paddy Potato Panto Pr**ks, and 2 washed up stars, who produced this on camcorders, Compted Hotel rooms and empty promises to Local Slapnuts Actors that they will make it big in this cheap looking Horsesh*t! The next thing I remember is the man watching the trailer beside me turned to me and said "Jaysus! That looks like Sh*te!"
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, SEXUAL INNUENDO AND SITUATIONS, DRUG PARAPHERNALIA AND VIOLENCE.
The Cover is just lazy. Obnoxious. Devoid of Story. Brendan O'Carroll's Picture looks like a Getty Images Photo. O'Neill looks like a photoshoot for the film and everyone else are headshots taken from the film, but they had to pick the worse ones. And we see what most of this film's expenses went into-a minivan painted into a Fake Chicken Shop Van.
Dvd is Just Logo and the Word play, no extras, not even settings. Granted, recently, since dvds are a Dying Format, Main Menu screens are a lost art! Except this film was made in 2008, in the Height of the Format's power.
We open with Current Year Pop Music, As a Helicopter flies over Wexford Town. Inside is Mr Big (Patrick Bergin), putting on a Russian Accent, telling a mysterious caller that "The Shipment" will make them both wealthy men!
But as the Helicopter flies over the Bridge, a Certain Chicken Shop Van drives by Hapless Delivery Boy/ Hapless Detective Dick Dickman (Barry O'Neill) who gets a call from his boss telling him he messed up another Delivery. In some of the Worst Editing I have seen in a long time, Dick u-turns on a concrete bridge, drives on a dirt road, knocks over Fishing Containers on A concrete Road, then falls from a wooden pallette into the water below. All this is supposed to be one series of events after the other.
Even the Asylum. THE F**KING ASYLUM! has better Editing!
So the Big Chicken is now a Wet Duck, as the Simpering Ninny Is now fired.
Wiping water and Fish guts from his face with a discarded newspaper, and loh and behold. It has a classified ad for home courses for private Detective work also claiming he can make grand a Week.
Some time later, The Man Child is woken by a postman delivering him a package. Inside is his course material: a DVD Hosted by One Frank Johnson (The Late, great Frank Carson) to teach Rubes like himself 10 steps to become a Private Detective, a corresponding cd and booklet to the dvd, a Disguise kit that not even Pistachio Disguisey would use, a Gadget Box, and a wallet for his "Badge"-Which is nothing but a Slip of Paper with enough space to write your name. Now it's time for Mr Johnson to teach you his 10 steps to becoming a master Detective.
Step One-The Clothes Maketh The Man
So His first stop is to pester the local Oxfam and no offence to Oxfam, they do great work but two-to-one, any clothes from a charity shop came from dead people!
So one of the many Idiot card reading non-Actors Find out Dick is a private Detective. She asks If he has a gun, she'll let him know of anyone donates a gun, so for the time being she'll sell him a D***o! As the two old dears look for it, Dick Grabs at a hat on a tall cabinet-AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY?-but the Shelving falls on him.
After doing the kind of "Jokes" that would rightfully get you cancelled these days, like stealing the wig off a Cancer Survivor to wear it or entering a Dressing room unannounced, In the end, Dick ends up just looking like Community Theatre Columbo.
D**king around Tesco, he talks to a Mannequin In a Tuxedo to do a crappy Sean Connery impression before being given the Bum's Rush by Security Guards.
Step Two-The Office
The Next step is to have a base-But if you haven't copped on by now, Temu Frank Spencer here has no Euros and Little Sense! So he elects to make his sister's shed his office after wasting a Realtor's Time as well as the viewers, because we need to fill this Sumb*tch like a Supermarket Brand Sausage! As long as he Cuts her grass every week it'll be square!
Next scene Dick goes to a Traveller's Site!
So...let's just skim over the Late Jon Kenny's scenes of him telling tired jokes about boosting Stolen goods and cheating the Social Services. Dick Buys his office furniture, as well his own car seats and car radio back. Now let's get outta here before some Anti Defamation League starts knocking on my door!
After That, Dick is playing house is the Shed when he is spied by an Angry Looking Neighbour (Joe Rooney). He puts on the Dvd to get to step 3.
Step Three-Advertising
...which Mr Johnson suggests doing him Discreetly-NOT SHOUTING THROUGH A BULLHORN LIKE DICK DOES!
So what happens next is him coming up to Some Local Slapnuts, Roped into this film, Birdemic Style only for Mopefaced Maigret to give him his business cards, all the while The Fratellis play their one hit!
Eating Breakfast at his sisters house, she needs to make the School so so she tells Dick "Doctor Who, Your Tardis Awaits!"
.....OK, Normie!
 |
| "Your Lack of Knowledge In what was to be a joke at my Expense, has Backfired!" |
So the Next Padding, I mean Scene, is Dick letting Joe Rooney borrow increasingly dangerous gardening equipment in something a bit more than just gardening. He's suspicious, but not enough to get off his a**e and Investigate!
OUR HERO EVERYBODY!
I Guess it's Finally time to get to the plot. As later that night, a woman comes to the Shed. Ms O'Flaterty is looking for her Brother, Fergal "Fingers" O'Flaterty, A Renowned Fiddle-Player. Despite making her cry by Suggesting Su***de, but Ms O'Flaterty is desperate, and Desperate enough to pay In Advance, He's so happy he's done with Rooney's Sh*t!
Step Four-Finding Clues
Bundling Dinner and Himself in the van, He Drives to the bar Fergal was last seen, So he goes out to case some men in Aran Jumpers. But Dick falls for an Unwritten Rule, if someone is trying too hard to fit in with locals, they aren't, they are infact Dutch Tourists and WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WH-Wait I used that line already, Yeah Dick makes an Ass of Himself-I'll just say that from now on to save time!
The Tourists Do Say they say they heard a Rumour Fergal got involved with a Cult. Conveniently in a Another Beauty Spot In
So he Goes to the Wooded Valley after doing Affirmations in the Wing Mirror.
Step Five-Questioning
The "Cult" is not even that, they are Wiccans.
A Young Wiccan, Takes Dick to see her father, The Master, as his first encounter with the "Witches" is with the kind of Tourist worker who gets a rise from scaring Rubes like him, and I'm so glad that got that on film, cause her ass is fired.
Using the Technique to complement A Woman's Perfume to put her Ease with The Master, sniffing him and his aftershave, he interrogates him or rather accuses him of Sacrificing Fergal In a Ritual off the bat, the High Priest has enough of Dick's narrow-casting. So when he accidentally asks him a question pertaining to an Errand his sister gave him ("Where Can I Find a Girl Scouts Uniform?") The Wiccan uses it against him.
Getting the hell outta Dodge, Dick drives pass a protest by the church. Turns out, it's a veritable Missing Persons Epidemic right now since the Wiccans Arrived. Many of them, Musicians and entertainers. Dick makes an Ass of Himself.
After more Aiding and Abetting Rooney this time with a Chainsaw it's time for...
Step Six-Master of Disguise
Mr Johnson reveals the Contents of the Disguise Box-a Santa Beard, Groucho Glasses and a Monocle.
Great for all your Infiltration Needs...if you are only Infiltrating A Santa Grotto, A Marx Brother Convention or a Period Drama!
In the End, to infiltrate the Wiccans, he uses none of them, instead posing in with the Animal worshippers in his Former Employer's Chicken Suit.
It Doesn't work and is soon surrounded. Realizing he's outmatched and outnumbered, he runs like a Coward and in his lack of Bravery, Trips over a Violin with Fergal's name engraved into it and Stained red. We also come across a Nudist who wants to join the Cult, just because.
We cut to a Garda Station, where a Police officer Gets an Anonymous tip from someone in a boat who is filmed from behi-YEAH, NOT FOOLING ANYONE, IT'S O'NEILL IN A BLACK WIG AND SPEAKING IN HIS NATURAL VOICE! He rats out Dick as a Detective hired to protect the Cult and he has evidence that incriminates his own client.
In the shed with Ms O'Flaterty, Sharon, he shows her the fiddle, she asks if it's his blood, after pretending to do a CSI test with drills and kitchen utensils, lies to her that the blood is Fergal's. That's when Detectives Barnes (O'Carroll) and Devereux (Rodgers) bag the fiddle and Carts out Dick in Handcuffs as he asks where he's being taken.
"BBC Scotland Studios. You're the Next Cast Member in my Sh*tty Schilling Taker Show on the Beeb! (MRS BROWN LAUGH!)"
So they interrogate Dick, But he's harmless, the Worst thing is they've been investigating the Wiccans for Months, and this clown literally trips over their best lead!
While Giving some Product placement for O'Brien's Sandwich Bar (Sadly the location used has since closed down!) He listens to his CD for...
Step Seven-Reliable Sources
Detectives Need Reliable "Man on the Street" types, which Dick takes too literal when he hires some Ham dressed as a Homeless man to be his huggy bear-Then he falls in love with a Mannequin that looks Sharon-Just because!
In a Compted Hotel Room, Barnes and Devereux tell Bishop protesting the Witches that some of his Grace's followers Broken into Wooded Valley and burnt down some Houses. The Bishop talks his way out of a charge of Incitement, just as a French maid comes in with his Grace's Breakfast, he looks down her dress whilst Pontificating about Morals
Oh No(!) The Catholic church is Full of Duplicitous Liars and Scumbags. I never knew (!)
Step Eight-Self Defence
Johnson in a Karate Gi Puts Dick through a Workout regimen, that only ends with his pajama bottoms Slipping down his waist to trip him up.
He gets a call from the Oxfam Shop after his sister picks him off the floor. Turns out, Someone was Dumb enough to Donate A REAL LIFE GUN TO A CHARITY SHOP!
It gets Worse! The Elderly Female Shopkeeper wants him to do her a favour in lieu of Payment-K*ll her Colleague with the promise of S*x!
Meanwhile in a Hotel swimming pool surrounded by Bikini models, are Mr Big and the Bishop. The Rushski tells the Clergyman to relax, the Police are too busy to find missing people when there so happens to be a Murderer on the loose.
Are you talking about Rooney? Does he work for you? How do know he has murdered when he's just started and you just arrived in Ireland days ago? In other words....
Dick has a Romantic Date with the Mannequin he Stole and makes an Ass of Himself, Rooney asks for a Shovel to "Finish the Job" Causing a fire out of nerves.
Back in Wooded Hollow, The Master Tells his daughter that in two moons time she will ascend to replace him as the Master, as the Cult's High Priestess in a Lavish Ritual.
Step Nine-Stake outs
Still believing the Witches are Mur Diddly- Urderers, Dick does a Stakeout and while Mr Johnson teaches Cars are Great for their Anonymity, Chicken Shop Vans with Name and phone number plastered on the side, Decidedly are Not!
Of course Dick is not Prepared in terms of Food so he gets deliveries as trash fills his passenger seat, he gets calls from the Master, who is spying back at him, who he got his number from the side of his van. But Disaster happens, too much Mineral Means he needs to do "Number one" in public, so he nearly misses a car pulling up to the Master's Cottage. But more unfunny shenanigans ensue, with a listening device, first a Van drives past that makes a loud noise (The Stock Sound of a Train No less!) and then Picks up a Gangster Radio Drama, which confuses the Detective even more in thinking the witches are evil.
So he trails the car to other local business Doing Real Work whilst Incompetent Candid Camera Commences in Coffeeshops and Colmadones. It goes nowhere only to lead to Barnes & Devereux Storm into the shed to give him a warning of the complaints against him. Dick needs to take a call, so Barnes notices the axe Covered in what he believes to be blood. he takes a sample, given Dick is supposedly on the side of "Evil Witches"
After Doing "naked Pushups" on his "Plastic Girlfriend", he reaches the Final Step of his 10 step Program
Step Ten-Back-up and Training Your Protege
Mr Johnson Says If you made it this far, the only thing left is to Hire and train Some Competent muscle...In the form of Pete, a Handyman and his 10 year old Nephew.
Sharon has asked Dick to meet her in the Wooded Valley's Church at 9 tonight for more Information on her Brother.
HMMMMMM!
After being Fleeced out of money by the begger, Mr Big and the Bishop Meet on Hook Lighthouse, drinking Champagne with their 3rd Partner-SHARON O'FLATERTY!
(DUN DUN DUN!)
It is all a scheme to Lure a Scapegoat to his death to remove the Witches of their settlement for the trios nefarious Purposes...That is still to be revealed, we do know it involves Missing people and stolen Instruments.
Rooney Killing right under everyone's noses was just Fortuitous Circumstance...even though Mr Big knew about this? And with the Tools Supplied and Returned to Dick, Barnes and Devereux learn the samples taken are confirmed to be human. So they are ordered to Arrest Dickman.
They Stake him out just at the very moment His Sister find him with the Mannequin. So they see a silhouette of him redressing the mannequin to get rid of it and they think him and his sister are well-Sweet Home Alabama!
So When The Silhouette looks like he's just strangled and Dumping the body, Since he heading to the Wooded Valley, The Gards Tail him.
Set up to be Sacrificed by the Bishop Disguised as The Master, it's broken up when Devereux sees it through a window and shouts at the scene. It's a wild chase, with Dickman chasing who he believes to be a Wiccan who kidnapped Sharon, being chased by The Detectives who believe they are chasing two Murderers.
So Let's End this Farce
Dickman calls Pete the Handyman as his backup, The Mannequin escapes the back of the van, the Gards believing she is Dick's sister, they Swerve to avoid her but still crash. When they find out what "She" is they Assume Dick is smarter than he let's on.
He isn't as he runs out of fuel-Thankfully Peter is here with his moped. They Find out what the Villians' evil scheme is when they open a Crate at a Dock-they Find a Fiddle band and the late Great Brendan Grace-They are Smuggling Irish Culture to the Highest Bidder.
GET IT?
They are "CRAIC-Smugglers"
And In what can be considered tone deaf now 20 years after The Polish Disporia Ireland was part of, we have a non Eastern European Actor in a Fake Accent claiming "This is Our Country now!"
I'm sure this wasn't Barry O'Neill's Intention, But there was no real Future Proofing in this Film.
Sharon reveals he was Fergal in Drag and a convincing plastic mask, Egghorn is Finkell, Finkell is Egghorn, Pete Faints when Thugs Arrive and they Punch Dick out after he makes Bruce Lee noises.
He wakes tied to the mast of a boat with Fergal about to k*ll him, as the Wiccans perform their Ritual, Dick Escapes the ropes, and the Master's Daughter gets a Vision of Dick's Predicament, and in the most Literal use of Deus Ex Machina, Conjures a Lightning bolt to Save Dick and Fry Fergal, Mr Big is arrested for Smuggling and Kidnapping, Joe Rooney's character (WHICH WAS NEVER NAMED!) Is arrested for Murder, and for one last time, In a celebration for him with some poor Irish Dancing School Roped in for Publicity, Dick makes an Ass himself, followed by a Credit song warning about how crap Dick is as a Detective, as the smallest text crawl ascends. So you had to squint to see if you were even credited In this crap as an extra.
IN THE LONGEST REVIEW TO DATE-I CAN TELL YOU IN THREE WORDS WHAT TOOK ME 5 DAYS TO WATCH AND DRAFT:
THIS FILM SUCKS!
In the Drafting Process of this film, like every single post before it, is Written on paper. Every single detail, with parts not important dropped by me if that is not conducive to the end plot. However 10 A4 pages were Sacrificed to cover all the Stupidity In this 90 minute ordeal-None of the Film was cut out. NONE. IT HAD TO BE HERE. Every Prat fall, Every Glazed Over look, every Cringe Comment, lead to the next plot Point.
This Film Production felt like British indie Wrestling From the "Hey Kids! Let's put on a Show!" Era of the 2000s, The Film itself feels like A Saturday Morning Show Skit with Swearing because that what makes something for Adults right?-F-BOMBS AND B**BIES!
The Jokes are Stolen from Benny Hill, The Soundtrack makes no Sense, The Film Quality and Sound mixing feels like they really did just Pull out Camcorders while Barry's Mate rates were convinced to do this film whilst on Holiday.
As for the "Stars"-Barry O'Neill Is So irritating, I'm surprised noone attempted to swing at him for filming real people. Brendan O'Carroll is Brendan O'Carroll, in and out of the dress, and his mate Rate, June Rodgers, character is "Fat Person Who Eats All The Time, Because They're Fat!" And there is also a Big Plothole-Who was the informant who set up Dick to the Gards? Was there going to be a Tired "Evil Twin" Plot in this film or-GOD FORBID! A Sequel?
The world may Never know-Because Noone was Stupid Enough to Ask!
CREDITS
Dick Dickman, PI was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)
With Media from:
The Quiet Girl
Belfast
Kneecap
Dick Dickman Pi
MST3K
BBC Sport
The Big Bang Theory
The Simpsons
Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball Abridged
Star Wars Episode 6 Return of the Jedi
Cody Ko's YouTube channel
Uma Musume: Pretty Derby
Dick Dickman PI was Produced By 1 Step Back Productions and Distributed by Beaumex
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE-YOU DECIDE!
It's time to reopen the Poll on my X account. Here are your choices
Cassandra Episodes 4 to 6
Last year's Halloween special will be this year's unless of course you can't wait that long
Infinity Pool
Still stuck on The Polling station Is Baby Cronenburg's Holiday from Hell.
Madame Web.
I did a best of last year let's keep it going with the Worst Spiderless Spiderverse Movie.
And finally
New to Netflix, Crap Happens. A German Rapper who has being chasing the dream for too long, returns to his home town for his mother's funeral, only to discover a son he never knew about!
Work on the review will start one week after the posting of this review. If you wish to vote on here do so by adding a comment below and each comment will count as a vote on X! On the off chance that this poll gets no votes, and it does happen, The default will be Infinity Pool, with Cassandra being the Halloween Special again!
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