A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE

 You've Probably Noticed all these years, But I'm not very good with Horror.

Hell, Even During Halloween, Where Reviewing Horror is a Given, I tend to veer towards Fantasy than Horror, and even then, the horror films tend to get on the comedic side, Deliberately or Unintentionally due to the lack of quality. 

Not that it ever worked Completely in my favour, "Bed of the Dead" despite being Generally Gruesome to watch, was only picked because it's Ridiculous premise of a bed killing those who tried to leave it.

So here we are with a Legitimate Horror Film In June, no less. The Prequel to one of the Most Recent Horror Franchises that has done well: A Quiet Place.

So I want to get into A Quiet Place As A Franchise, So What Better Way Do I Start than the prequel of the others: Day One!

For those Who Don't know, The Premise of A Quiet Place Is That Earth is Invaded by Blind, but Feral Beast like Aliens with Ultra Sensitive Hearing. The Slightest Sound will Cause a Swarm of Flesh Coloured Creatures with Scythe-like Claws and Voracious Hunger to hunt that target, be it someone who gasps suddenly, 

Or a stupid Child with a Toy Rocket Ship! 

So Humanity's Survivors have become Nomadic, forming smaller communities to reduce their sound and using Sign Language to communicate. The lack of Dialogue and The Activity of the Aliens increasing at night, ratchets up the scares, of the very little I've watched of the series.

So let's Dig into the new Jump-off point for this series, with the prequel to a Quiet Place: Day One 

The Cover Shows us a World Gone To Hell, As Lupita Nyong'o and Joseph Quinn Run for their lifes, as Creatures Fall from Surrounding Buildings onto the Glass ceiling above them, shattering off shards onto our frightened heroes. The Largest Skyscraper behind them, leads the eye to a Sky filled with Smoke and Fiery Jet trails Descending at an Angle, but what are they? An Invasion force, an Attempt by the Army to fight back? Or Aeroplanes making their last Doomed Voyage?

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR HORROR, BLOOD, INJURY DETAIL, DEATH, TERMINAL ILLNESS, AND THE FEASTING OF CORPSES. DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

The film opens on New York City, which a caption tells us it's bustling life gives off a Decibel Level of 50. That's the same as a Constant Scream for 18 hours.

Yeah, Because of all the Pushy Nu Yahkahs!

"WADDAYASAY ABOUT NU YAHK? WHEN I HIT YA WIF THIS SPORTS PAGES YER CRIES WILL BE HIGHER THAN FIDDY DECIBELS, YA BUM!"

We cut to Samira (Lupita Nyong'o) in a Cancer Support Home, it's group therapy time for the patients. But the Terminally Ill Poet makes no bones about it that she hates her life right now. She could die at anytime so the group telling her to keep positive is not what she needs. All she wants right now is her cat Frodo, her last slice of Real New York Pizza and to be left alone to die.

So Samira doesn't Appreciate Nurse Ruben not bringing her for Pizza, but the whole group to, of all things, a Puppet Theatre. Made worse by children coming up to Pet her Support Cat and parents making a bigger deal of her condition than she can tolerate. 

The Puppet Show is both Filmed Well (a Shocker For Boom Boom Michael Bay!) And Disheartening.  As a Marionette of a young Boy blows a Balloon, as children watch in awe, the balloon, once full, gives the illusion of a child floating away with no limits, until the balloon bursts and the Puppet falls, crashing back to Earth.

Naturally, A cancer Patient being Shown That, Causes her to Bail out all upset. As she buys some chocolate at a Bodega, she notices the noisy Midtown is noisier than usual. Nurse Ruben is ordered by phone to return the group back to the hospital. But Samira is too Stubborn to leave without her Pizza, but reluctantly, she gets back on the bus, but is shocked to see the other patients congregate to the back of the bus to look at something out the window.

Samira joins them and can't believe what she sees. In the mid afternoon sky are hundreds of shooting stars, One of them makes impact just feet away. 

Samira Regains her Consciousness, her bus and Street covered in Dust, with her ears still ringing, she finds a Man's Body, torn by the Explosion's Shockwave, Dead where he Stands! With Sound and Vision Failing her, Samira Stumbles to find help, all the While Eerie Sounds can be Heard.

Every time Samira finds, or is found by Someone, they are Dragged to be eaten, and when an Ambulance speeds in with Alarms blaring, it's blown up, the Explosion causes Samira to lose consciousness once more-The Screen Fades to Black, and we get Title Drop. 

We see Samira's Face Covered in Dirt and ash inside a Building,  she wakes with a cough and a Splutter, Until a hand covers her mouth. It's the father of the boy who petted her cat. (Apparently the credits name him as Henry, played by Djimon Honsou) In fact, she has woken up in what's left of the Theatre,  with Dozens of Survivors, including Nurse Ruben, Who hugs Samira and gives Frodo back.

The Sound of a helicopter frightens the little kitten as Samira runs to get him back. Breaking glass underfoot which alerts....Something!

In Bursts the Most disfigured creature in a film ever- mottled, Necrotic Flesh supported by four Spider like legs, that each end with a cloven foot with a sickle like claw protruding under knees and elbows, and an eyeless face with a horizontal mandibles of an insect, that opens like a flower to reveal a crown of bony petals. And a larger gaping maw! But the creature is frightened by the helicopter, which draws the ire of the alien. 

In the next Attempt to find her cat, she finds a woman at a desk, listening to news reports on a Walkman, on the desk is a globe covered in stickers with the names of major cities, no doubt attacks like this. She and Hank escape to the rooftop and see the world is trapped in a war Zone, as fire trail the sky.

As the Survivors look on, the Fiery streaks are not more Aliens, but missiles from the Government to blow up the bridges to contain the Alien threat, Causing a Survivor to have a loud panic attack,  Which causes Henry to punch him so hard, he dies from the blow.

Using a notebook to Communicate,  Samira tells Ruben she's still going to Harlem, despite the Nurse's wishes. The Generator Splutters and Ruben gives his life to fix it as Samira Muffles a cry.

The Next morning on a Misty Street, Samira Explores what was a crowded street just 18 hours ago. Now it's just ruins and worse still, no bodies, just signs of struggle and stains of blood. Samira picks up all the food and Supplies she needs to get to Harlem for pizza and to die at home- A flashlight, batteries for it, enough food for one person and a cat, and a supply bag to carry it all.  Though finding herself in Central park, she sees squirrels, which may be a food option, though if Samira struggles with opening a can in her condition, how is she suppose to hunt and k*ll animals? 

As she follows the Squirrel with her eyes, she finds two Survivors hiding in a working fountain, a teenage boy and a girl no more than six. Samira gives the shaken young Survivors some chocolate and asks them to follow her. A helicopter blares over speakers to announce boats will bring Survivors to Quarantine Areas, As the Aliens can't swim or can't stand water,  Something the Fountain Children figured out to have survived that long. The helicopters cause the Aliens to to converge on tall buildings, but one stalks the 3 Survivors who are now hiding in a subway entrance. 

Soon all those holed up march toward the river,  but Samira goes the opposite direction towards Harlem. The Jostling and marching feet of hundreds makes the crowd easy prey, not helped by some Idiots who just felt this was the right time to vandalise and steal cars! 

Samira hiding under a car has her leg pulled by a man seeking help, as he is dragged off by an Alien, Samira is trapped further, Spraining her ankle.  Frodo who was separated in the panic, is drinking from a submerged Subway entrance,  there the cat sees Submerging from the water, a Man in a Suit (Quinn) Surprised by the cat staring at him, the Man in The Suit, Eric pulls himself onto Dry land to follow the cat back to it's master. 

A Rainfall Causes Some Relief as the Aliens scatter. Samira tells Eric about the Boat, But not to follow her, but Eric is too scared to go Alone,  So they Resort to as the rain becomes a Storm to pick up medicine at Samira's house. Timing Eric's kicks to her door to the lightning strikes, (Due to her keys no doubt held by Hank, whose body is God knows where!)

Eric is a British law student, so he has no reason to be here if he has no family in New York. Samira Still wants Pizza in Harlem, Something that makes Eric do a double take, given the Situation they find themselves in. 

So we learn more of Samira,  she was a professional Poet, So when Eric Reads a poem that explains what we already. As thunder and Lightning breaks out, the two Survivors finally have a chance to scream out in Fear!

Picking up some books from an Abandoned library, Eric comes to give her the notebook she left behind. Standing up Too quickly,  the sickly woman uses a Book trolley to steady herself only for books to fall to the ground, causing books to fall to the ground, causing Aliens to hunt them down. Seeking shelter in a bank. The revolving doors get stuck as Eric struggles to push the panels, they find new shelter but they are not safe, Eric Vandalises a car to set off it's Alarm buying enough time to reach the Subway. 

Searching under Flashlight, the exit by escalator is blocked by the biggest Alien yet. So once more Eric has to wade through the Submerged Tunnels. In the cold, waist high water, with Aliens Scanning their every move, Eric has a Panic attack, the Sound causes an Alien to Dive in, but while they can't swim, their Hunting Instinct makes them desperate enough to try to Adapt. With Frodo safely on Samira's Supply bag, the two drag themselves out of an impact crater into a church. Falling back into unconsciousness, Eric, Given where they are,  Prays for Samira, until she coughs up water.

Feeling sorry for her, Eric decides to let the dying woman have her last wish than Mercy K*lling her or Straight up Abandonment. He asks what medicines she needs and he is given a fetch quest for solid which doesn't yield enough medicine but instead reveals the ground Zero of the invasion, which Is treated as a nest. 

These Aliens are so cruel, they would Cannibalise the bodies of their own kind to feed. Eric Saves his own cat he followed to this place, Finding more Medicine for Samira.

It's not enough, but it doesn't matter when you're Terminal. Samira explains in whisper that the cancer is hereditary,  from her father. So with the entire Borough of Harlem empty,  Samira after all this time holding on for this moment, only for Her Pizza place to have burned down. The two Survivors hug in the middle of the street, Samira being upset with the continued state of her lot. So Eric brings her to an Abandoned Jazz Bar. With the help of a mp3 player and headphones, and Eric Finding a serviceable Pizza shop, bringing a pizza he  found, even the cats take a slice to eat in a cute moment. Eric to entertain her gets up onto the Bar's Stage and with some Cards he finds from an unfinished Card game and mines being a Magician for an invisible audience, and he's pretty good at card tricks. He said in his introduction as he's only a law Student because "That's what They wanted" Maybe this is he meant!

Bringing her back to her apartment,  Samira gives Eric her coat, after all she won't need it where she's going. But the army have increased it's visibility,  now a fightback is happening.  The Aliens in a silent world are now cocky, hunting in broad daylight. Surrounded and with Eric in total fear, Samira causes car alarms to go off in Attempt to make a boat turn and collect Eric. In his rush Eric knock over debris which puts him and the cats in harm's way, but jumping off the pier sees his chasers drown as he has a short swim to the boat. 

And so the film ends with Eric reading his final message from Samira, as In flashback she is crying over family photos. So as she tells him to continue living, the last scene we see is Samira walking in the street with a radio and headphones listening to Nina Simone's greatest hits, until she pulls out the headphones, as an Alien lands behind her, drawn to the music, ready to play it's part in her Su****e.

THIS FILM IS GREAT!

Produced By Michael Bay, I was expecting this to be Fireworks out the Wazoo. However, he was Producing Not Directing, so while his fingerprints are all over this film, he doesn't have a stranglehold on it. Rather than carry out his proclivities, the crew and writers, kept the Franchise's use of Slow Scares and World Building.  While other Reviews thought Samira  was selfish, they completely missed the point of this film's themes of Freedom to live, ideals and Memory. This film is more than "World ends....let's get pizza!". 

Lupita Nyong'o gives a stunning performance of the Dying Terminally Ill Poet, who just wants to live the last few days of her life, in a film that is both scary and life affirming. The Monster designs are terrifying, Helped by the speed of animation and use of shadows and Smoke Effects, we never see a stationary Alien to make out what it looks like, and that's both for the film's benefit and adds to the mystery of the creatures. One Bugbear it has is pretty Obvious: in a film based in a world where making a sound may doom us all, The Dialogue is nothing to write home about, there was a part Quinn just repeated the word "Okay!" Over and over, but given the premise, Minimal Dialogue and targeted Responses, works in it's Favour.  

The Premise to turn the Zombie Survival Genre on it's head by not the heroes fight for Survival, but to die on her own Terms, Is nothing short of Genius! Given how bloated the Subgenre is. With How Selfish Samira may look and how very little Character Quinn was Given, It would have being a complete mess, But the Great Acting and Pacing Held True

So in Summary, A sharply written Subversion to an Overblown Genre, that's welcomed but tipping the scales at 70 minutes I wish it was longer!

CREDITS

A Quiet Place: Day One was Reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@Realenli on x)

With Media from

A Quiet place

A Quiet Place Day one

The Simpsons

Meranghi's Darkplace

All Media used Belong to their respective Owners

A Quiet Place Day One is the Property of Paramount

All Rights Reserved.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

ONCE AGAIN YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Next month it's ROUND 2 Of the Public votes.

The 3 Runners up from The first poll-

Cassandra,

 Infinity Pool

and Kinda Pregnant 

Are Joined by a new Number 4.

Leave The World Behind

A couple who run a resort are Confronted by another couple who claim ownership of the hotel and threaten legal action. While in the background, a Robot Revolution slowly plays out in a parable about lies, malice and the loss of control. 

The Poll On My Twitter Page will only last one week, But You can cast your votes here by adding a comment to this post below. The Most Votes will determine what get reviewed in July, But On the off chance, there are no votes, then Cassandra's first 4 episodes will be reviewed.

THE 300TH POST: TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM PART 2 (REMASTERED)

THE FOLLOWING POST IS A CONTINUED REVIEW FROM LAST MONTH, OF A 12 RATED FILM WITH SCENES OF VIOLENCE,  SYSTEMIC SLAVERY,  INJURY DETAIL, AND MURDER. CERTAIN WORDS WILL BE EDITED BEYOND THIS POINT.  DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 To continue where we left off, 

Black Adam( Rock The Dwayne)and Carter Hall/ Hawkman (Alvis Hodge) fight in Arianna's Destroyed Flat, and Carter, you're only five feet away from him, you don't need to fly at him all the time, you can just run at him!

All the while Black Adam destroys Amon's bedroom,  Making the viewer take Extra notice that they are Destroying Justice League posters

Adam Punches a cabinet and rears back in pain. Inside the Now Former Furniture is the Crown of McGuffin. 

One.

When did Amon have time to hide the Crown in his room, in the time it took to walk in, see Ishmael shoot Kareem and ran completely out the flat before he was Kidnapped?

Two.

I thought Black Adam could just zap away the wounds caused by Eternium, or is this a new trope?

WEAKNESS as the Plot Demands?

In the JSA Jet,  they all try and decipher what the crown's riddle means.  They ignore it because Arianna wants to Barter the Crown for Amon's safe return. So that means the JSA and Black Adam must work together. 

Dr Kent Nelson/Dr Fate (Pierce Brosnan) confronts Hawkman about Black Adam, with Carter worried the boy could die if Black Adam goes into business for himself. When Kent says Life and Death is, Quote, "Up to Fate", Carter Susses from that , that Dr Nelson saw a vision of someone's death. Carter's first thought is Atom Smasher,  given he's an idiot! So after he answers "Surprisingly,  No!", he says his goodbyes to Hall, as he may not have a chance ever again,  but Fate tells him it's still time to change!

BUT NEVER MIND THAT S**T!

Let's have Johnson hot dog and grandstand whilst a Disgrace of a Human being like Kanye West Still gets rich from Music Royalties!

But Mr Fishsticks is cut off when Black Adam flies into Ishmael's Shield Generator-powered by lines upon lines of Eternium. 

Arianna's Gives the Crown to Ishmael,  who really is the villain we have being leading up to, For Ishmael is the last living Descendant of King Ak-tum. As he puts on the crown he says the Proverb on it with the Nouns reversed (he says in Arabic, "Death is the only path to Life") causing magical energy to build up around him. And it's a good thing everyone said the phrase In English, otherwise this film would have ended sooner.

After a Ridiculous slow motion sequence where everyone screams or shouts "Nooooo!" with quick cuts every 2 seconds. Power from the crown explodes with Hawkman shielding Arianna with his wings, Fate Shielding a prone Amon with his magic, and Atom Smasher with his giant body protects Cyclone. Black Adam is alive, but Ishmael and the crown are nowhere to be seen. Amon was not wounded by stray bullets, but by Black Adam's own lightning,  and he blames himself for his injuries. 

I spoke too soon, Atom Smasher finds Ishmael, but the Halal Ham-actor is now served Extra Crispy, as the crown has melted into his Skeletal Remains. 

AND I'M SURE WE'LL NEVER SEE ISHMAEL AGAIN!

Hawkman confronts Black Adam once again, this time over a name Ishmael said that upsets Black Adam "Harut".

Harut was his timeline's version of Little Dumbass, when he was Tehtadam's son, and the true champion of the Wizards' Council, he tells his side of the story, Harut was a great champion, but like Shazam, he was a Naive boy in the body of a man, so Ak-tum killed Harut's Mother and would have killed Tehtadam, if not for Harut giving his father the power. And at that moment, Harut was Assassinated by Ak-tum's archers.

Losing Everything,  Black Adam went on an unstoppable rampage of revenge, killing everyone, so that's the truth of the statue of Thetadam: It's not his Statue: it's Harut's. Five milliena is a long enough time to realize this power is not a gift, but a Curse.  One that only hurts people. So Black Adam says "Shazam" and tells agent Hall on no circumstances permit him to say that word again. 

Thetadam is taken to a top secret holding facility somewhere, submerged in the Artic ocean by the Justice Society of America's Jet. 

Taken by Task Force X, Tehtadam is Processed, Shackled, put in cyrosleep and attached to a breathing tube.  Given that Thetadam has surrendered and Ishmael is dead, they could have just finished it here with all the loose ends tied up.

OH, YOU WISH THIS WAS FINISHED! 

While Atom Smasher and Cyclone babysit a now recovered Amon with a Dress up Cape (I'm pretty sure he's at least old enough to be at Eye level to the Top shelf magazines,  he's at least old enough to know what Fasc*sm Is!) We see Ishmael's bodybag, glowing with the same lightning controlled by Black Adam. In the cockpit of the Jet, Kent is still dreaming of Hawkman's death, he wakes from it, on Hawkman's distress. Kent tells Carter that he believes Hawkman is still going to die. 

Carter says he doesn't fear dying. 

He COULD have mentioned his powers/Curse meant he's died too often, and Kent would've said something like "You're too Valuable!' Or "The World can't wait for a new Hawkman to be born!' But no, DC makes comic book films for comic book fans and if they don't flat out tell you back story, it implied! AND IT'S REALLY BLOODY ANNOYING!

Kent tells Carter of his childhood during the Blitz Era in London, how he felt no pride in Seeing the Soldiers parade on deployment, he never cheered or waved a flag, he knew at a young age they were going to die, they were Soldiers. And it's a Soldier mentality to give his life for a greater good.

FORESHADOWING!

In the Ship's Computer Room, Arianna and Cyclone are puzzled to why Ishmael read the Proverb on the crown wrong.  Then they realize the Ancient Kandaqi have symbols like Kanji that be read upside down and still make sense, but the Symbol for Life looks like the symbol for Death when Inverted.  In other words,  THEY have been reading it wrong! And by reading it correctly,  Ishmael purposely died so his soul could be sent to the Rock of Finality (SURE! LET'S GO WITH THAT!), To make a Contract with the demons of the crown of Sabbac, like Black Adam, Ishmael invokes Sabbac's name so he can use Ishmael's corpse as a conduit to become the Demon Champion, SabbaAHAHAHAHA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, our Film's big Bad, The Crispy Cretin!

So Sabbac is just Yet another Pound Shop Superman with Demon Fire added for extra flavour. Despite the JSA holding their own, The writers are still treating Sabbac as the thing we were being lead up to. Sabbac's goal is to sit on the Throne in the Palace, therefore gaining his true powers, So Hawkman, Cyclone and Atom Smasher ascend the Palace's Staircase, only to be reflected by Dr Fate's Forcefield, he has found a way to prevent Carter's Death, by Sacrificing himself. Kent says he's lived a full life, and wants his team to do the same on his memory. 

That's all great and all, but Now the film has Shown it doesn't understand Dr Fate, Either.

The Helm of Naboo, Puppets It's Wearer(s) by Granting it his powers. When the current Dr Fate Dies, That Wearer's Body is teleported, body and soul til the end of time to a pocket Dimension where the Lords of Order reside,  leaving a Helm, that once unclaimed flew throughout the universe, killing well meaning Do-gooders and would be villains for not being worthy,  til Naboo had to be reasoned with by Kent's Ghost. So if this was lore accurate Dr Fate who died, not only would the people have to deal with Literal Satan, but also contend with a Judgemental self aware Holy Relic killing innocent people for being rightfully scared to fight!

Despite using every trick in the spellbook, Dr Fate telepathically reaches out to Tehtadam, freeing him from cyrosleep.  As Task Force X Soldiers Try to contain him, Dr Fate tells the world is not Black and White anymore,  the world doesn't need a white Knight, it needs  something....Darker.

Tehtadam shows his "Growth" and "Character Development" by only killing one jobber. As Black Adam swims to escape his submerged underwater Prison, Sabbac Punches a hole through Kent's chest, his lifeforce entering the helmet as his body turns to ash to enter the helmet, which as it falls, Sabbac kicks it away with angered annoyance. As he claims the Throne he summons the Legion of Hell....aka Stock Monsters from a Terrible Mobile Game!

Hey, Do you want to know how to make an Audience scoff at the Threat by a Villian?

You make the Comic Relief save the day by grand Entrance with a love Song blaring on the radio of his Volkswagen which he uses to run over Zombies and crack jokes about it!

Seriously 3 Superheroes can't Fight Sabbac Directly, but a fat man armed with a Hippy Wagon and a length of Pipe can smack around Zombies with armour and Swords? 

Drowning in the Artic Ocean, Black Adam believes it's his time, as he Sees his wife and Harut in a near death experience. But since a Near Death Experience is nothing more than Our Brain telling us to die or Not, OF COURSE, THE EGOTIST PLAYED BY ANOTHER EGOTIST Would imagine his family telling him he can do more!

Back in Kandaq, Amon finds Citizens in Fear, and like Harut centuries before, he put his hands in the shape of a triangle and rallies the people. After all Arianna and Kareem are fighting the zombies and if A Single Mother in fairly good shape and a fat man armed with Pipes can do it, I'm pretty certain Anyone can take them!

The Words of the Kandaqi People finding their courage and Freedom, Revitalizes Thetadam, However, just because the people have done what he wanted and not worship him like a hero, he still likes to hot-dog and grandstand for their love and appreciation! Like when Sabbac uses a flame thrower to topple the very same Statue, Atom Smasher toppled repeatedly earlier (How did they reerect it so quickly?) and it's about to crush Amon, only for Black Adam to save his life yet again!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR INJURY AND DEATH!

Sabbac and Black Adam Face-off, the Demon Champion's Eternium filled claws and Horns Damaging Black Adam. Amon on his skateboard lead all the Kandaqi to face the demon Horde. Reeling from the cuts and Lacerations, Sabbac is About to deal the final blow, that's when Hawkman's mace pierces Sabbac Back through his stomach. Unfazed, Sabbac Kills Hawkman the same way He did to Dr Fate, But when Hawkman's body disintegrates into ash just like Dr fate and the hawkman helmet falls at his killers feet-A MIRACLE HAPPENS! Hawkman materializes as the new DR FATE, His costume modified for the Lord of Order's powers!

So lets finish this!

Using a Clone Spell, Hawkmen Bum Rush Sabbac as Cyclone and Atom Smasher Join the rebellion, Black Adam Grabs Sabbac by the horns and flies up into the air, and Does a Raiden Mortal Kombat Fatality on him by electrocuting him and rending him in half. With Sabbac Dead, the Undead Dissolve, the people cheer, and Black Adam helps Hawkman up, Who Only gained the power of Naboo temporarily, With it's duty Done, Naboo Disappears into the Ether. The Justice Society Goes to leave, they thank Black Adam, But they warn him Not to Push his Luck. With the people Below chanting his name, Adam considers leading them, he stills on the throne in the palace and when Arianna asks him how it feels, he answers it feels "Wrong". With that he flies out and Crushes the throne. It feels wrong for him to Lead, When he feels he could do better Protecting them. But he needs a New Name, Tehtadam is too old fashioned so when Arianna asks what did he have in mind. We get Title Drop instead to close out.

I didn't even Notice that!

I've being calling him Black Adam, because that is the name of this film, And never noticed that noone called him that throughout in the 1 hour and fifty minute run time!

In the post Credit Stinger, Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) threatens Black Adam through a drone, telling him to never leave Kandaq or his departure will be treated as a declaration of War. Black Adam doesn't take the Threat too Kindly, so he blasts the drone. However, hiding in the smoke made from the drone, a figure descends from the sky and a Man's voice tells him he's being waiting to for this moment, As Superman (Henry Caville) makes himself Known, which only makes the Poster Scene Earlier in this film, Hilarious In Hindsight!

THIS FILM SUCKS! AND IT'S ALL ROCK THE DWAYNE'S FAULT!

He and his Now Ex wife Dani Garcia, who must be in great terms to still Work and Coat-tail Ride each other to get jobs, are Named as Executive Producers. and it Shows. You thought Fighting with my Family was an Ego-trip, One where Rock Put in a lie About Meeting Saraya before she joined WWE so she can tell Rock how much she looked up to him? THIS IS WORSE! THIS IS THE REAL LIFE DWAYNE JOHNSON-This is Executive Dwayne, The "Final Boss" Who makes everything about him...

But doesn't show up when it matters!

The Plot is A*s! -We have a Tough, Uncompromising Anti-Hero...and it's this character we are giving a little buddy to protect?

And Amon Doesn't even work in that Regard. He's not a cute little kid, he's old enough to look at most adults at Eye level, he's old enough to understand what's going on politically, and yet he's dumb enough to have his attention swayed by a Child's Cape.

Another Glaring Issue is Accessibility,  I'm sure there are reviews by reviewers with more knowledge of DC than I have. But I'm sure there are reviewers with no knowledge or interest in Comics, solely have a knowledge of film and will only judge this as a film. So they will only judge by what they see. Which isn't a lot. We get bare minimum and Fan W*nk when it comes to Character Development, "Red Tornado " appears on Maxine's ID and never explained, And we are never told who he is or what it means. We never hear "Targar" "Targarians", "Hawkgirl "or "Shayera" from Hawkman...

AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST IN THE DCU! SHE JUST DOESN'T EXIST...YET!

... nor do we ever hear "Naboo" or "Inze" from Dr Fate. All these terms, are vital to the characters. It'll be like if Spiderman never mentioned Aunt May or Uncle Ben in the run time of his film. Ishmael/Sabbac is not worth any build-up, I'm just glad Sabbac was played by someone in great shape and not the Gangly Weakling covered in red paint!  Atom Smasher's entire motivation and plot Thread is simply just "HURDUR, I LIEK A GURL!"

And now to the main plot!

A Testosterone Poisoned Ego Trip and Power Fantasy,  With Questionable Terrorist Viewpoints from Mostly Muslim Characters. With our Star when he can be bothered to be seen,  phoning it in his lines and not raising his voice higher than the tone you speak in when a dog does it's business in front of you, Johnson is at his most Robotic I've ever seen him, if it's actually him we see, most of the fight scenes are CGI. Coupled with the terrible Sound mixing, that forced me to watch this with film with Subtitles to understand what people are saying over flashes of lightning and blaring gunfire. Oh the soundtrack needs special mention, Classic Rock Songs only put in because Warner can pay for them, but the Official Black Adam theme is so painful to listen to- A Repeated Guitar Chord and Autotuned women screaming.

If ContentId was not a thing, I would have a link to the Aural Abuse that plagues you in the opening and Closing Credits. 

As bad as this film is, Surprisingly this is only the SECOND worst Dwayne Johnson film ever made, there is actually one even worse,  A film so bad, it's promotional consideration on WWE, using the film's key plot device, became a buzzword for the very worst of the last years of the Vince Mcmahon Regime.

But that is a Story for next year's Ticket to Hell!

CREDITS 

Black Adam was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into Two Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from:

In part 1

Black Adam

DC COMICS 

MST3K

FATE/Staynight

Guardians of the Galaxy

In Part 2

Bad movie Beatdown

MST3K

Batman vs Superman 

The Soon to be Released Superman (2025)

WWE

Red Notice

All media used belong to their respective owners. 

Black Adam is property of DC COMICS, which was Produced By Warner Bros. All rights reserved. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE 

Because I'm reviewing World's Collide over on Enlightened Towers next month, the planned fan poll with be conducted in the next review, A Quiet Place Zero Hour.

TICKET TO HELL 

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

FINAL CHAPTER

THE SECOND DEATH!

When Eamonn did his review, as Joe-Jack said, the trail of power send them to the Realm known as The Grey Area, A Dimension where forgotten are judged on their fates, and where Eamonn Bermingham, seemingly the last dvd reviewer, was taken to be a Museum piece, to he mocked by Aliens. 

These Judges, the Sephiroth, the Appraisers of Will, with Death and a creature called Herr Doktor as their bounty hunters and Bodyguards are formidable guards to these 10 creatures,  who are living treasures given voice and Sentience. Stripped our hero to make mockery of him for those who never seen a Human. 

Once the heroes and nuanced villains were made familiar of their drab surroundings. That's when the Humans of the group waned. Joe-Jack and Edwin only took one step, when they fell to their knees, gasping for breath.

"Oh Sh*t!"

"This Body...it's too weak....."

"Oi kant do anything...maybe I'm jus' stoopid an' useless....I'm nuffing without someone else...I'm nuffing without Misser Eamonn....without Mammie.....My Mammie!

Easy, Easy! It's the effect of the Grey Area, it has a negative effect on meatbags like you, I'm sure it feels like....

-Attending your own funeral?

-That's one way to put it!

-Maybe that's why They Bought Eamonn here, to dissuade Him from Escaping.

-aBSOLUTELY tHE cASE! iF hE fELT lIKE eSCAPE wAS iMPOSSIBLE, hE mAY hAVE aCCEPTED hIS dEATH. 

-Well I'm not going to accept that he died in some cage, when I sent all these years, plotting my revenge. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE'S DEAD,  BECAUSE I AM THE ONE, WHO IS DESTINED TO K*LL HIM, NOT THEM, NOT ANY OF YOU!

This statement made Edwin surge with energy,  like the Greyness Dissipated from his body. He stood, a resolve that was reinstated within him.

WOT? HOW?

I just remembered I have something to fight for, some earn for freedom, Justice, but let's be honest...Those are what I strive for as Rage, all I care is The felling of whatever sucka dumb enough to throw hands!

What about you, Joe-Jack? Do you have any thing worth fighting for.

(Deep Breath)

........No.......

(After a great deal of walking, which only served to Drive a wedge between the group, who hated each other so much, that any utterance of that fact would be wasted Breath. If anything else, of the many adventures, this may have being the first quest where there was no army or Assassins facing them, only because The Grey Area was in itself, it's own Defender. 

What seemed like an age, Joe-Jack found the invisible tower.

In typical fashion, by complete accident!

By walking face first into a unseen wall, Joe-Jack started to swing Fists and stood in a boxer's Stance.)

C'mon ya Ba****ds! Who's dat hitting us? 

Reaching out, he accidentally turned a doorknob and pratfalled into a corridor that looked like one of the an official building. 

Despite finding the entrance, Joe-Jack was still reeling from the depression.  Falling over just made things worse.

iS tHE hUMAN fUNCTIONING cORRECTLY?

YEAH (!) Everything iz sunshine n Fecking Rainbows, So it is!

tHE aBSENCE oF cOLOUR mAKES yOUR sTATEMENT iMPOSSIBLE!

JAYSUS....WILL YE KNOT BE AT ME? I JUS' FOUN' DA FLOOR AN I DON'T WANNA LEAVE DA PLAICE I WILL DIE!

And why do want to do that, don't you want to save your Friend.

Friend? Oi Don't fink we ever are dat!

Wait, Aren't you friends? Someone explain. 

Yeah, firs' time I met Misser Eamonn, I Tried To K*ll him! 

Really? Why?

I taught he was makin' fun of me. An...he was! I felt like he was taking over my life. An so I Invaded his review, and instead of attacking me, he offered me a place in his review.  Then Eamonn reviewed when Ostrich tried to invade Earf, Then da First Ticket to Hell happened, and DA Rest as they Say is Histrionic! Gawd, DA Stories I use totally Mammie, WEN she went t Heavens car dat one time,  she where more excira abou' being on a Hellycoppah. So when she sawed magic an' Flying Horse, an gian glowing Fly headed Gawds, she woz beside herself!

.....Well, if anything, won't it make sense to continue?

WADDYAMEAN?

Well, Eamonn's life is in Danger,  on both sides, if we find him alive, Edwin will destroy him and we don't know what these Appraisers of Will are capable of, and despite one is malfunctioning, I doubt a perfectly working one will see sense, either.

So you owe it to him, Friend or no, to show him you are not the Sidekick anymore, and moreover that you are reliable as your own man.

I don't fink oi has da Konfeedense dat youse all have.

"Well, I tried!" Jusef Said straightening up and walking to join the others. 

qUESTION fOR yOU, hUMAN.

-Sure, what is it.

wHY aRE yOU uNAFFECTED bY aLL tHIS?

Easy. My World is so ruined and oppressive, that being in a place where you can see is grey and all you hear is faint voices, it's.....what's a good word for it.....oh....comforting!

wE sEE, pERHAPS wE cAN...rEMEDY tHE eARTH-3 gAME...

Eventually, the Group made it's way to the Bulk of the Mueseum, as the floor was now filled with the track-lines made to aid the Appraisers in their Movement. 

From a Balcony, shots were fired at them. 

I'm werry Sorry,  But Ze Exhibitions are currently closed to ze Public. If you refuse to Leave....

WE'LL DROP YOU ALL WHERE YOU STAND!

Well, well, If it isn't Pestilence! I haven't seen you since we Gave Blankets to some Natives! You Still owe me Five Deutschmark, Ya Bum!

Weight, it's not a real Doctah?

Vatt is a Bettah Vay, to get close to You Hairless Guinea Pigs? So Curious, So Fragile....So very Trusting!

Okay I know Pestilence,  I don't know who The love child of Pinocchio and Billy the Kid is. 

Weight? You don't recognise him? He says he's Death.

Why Would Death take that form? Or any form? Who are you really? 

Hehe hehe hehe..... Just because you don't believe who I say am, why can't I be Death?

(The Puppet Reaper teleported down a floor to face the heroes. Pestilence now that his identity was exposed, undid the Buttons and buckles of his plague Doctor Costume, as the gas that animated the body. As the cloud of gas lifted the slumped garments and Gas Canister and flung it towards the heroes,  which they dodged, before the winds reconstituted into the humanoid form. Its arms outstretched and his masked face looking that them In a smug high angle as if to say, at any moment..."TAH DAH!")

So will handle village People and this gasbag?

I was hoping you would deal with Herr Doktor.

Besides what mercenary would not take the chance and face Death? I will go down as a legend. 

Legends Die....Just the rest of you!

We'll hold off death and Pestilence, the rest of you, Find Eamonn.

And they found him, surrounded by 9 of the Appraisers. 

I-KETHER-WILL-SPEAK: Human, this is how you show us your gratitude? We saved you from Societial Extinction. But you humans love to bite the hand that feed you?

I GEBURAH WILL SPEAK: So we degree your Exhibition is is now a Stay Of Execution. And a brief one!

I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: CAN WE JUST KILL THIS INGRATE? WE'VE BEING NOTHING BUT KIND BUT IT'S KEEPS GOING  ON ABOUT HIS "FREEDOM" AND "TROUSERS". 

Ya, Speakin' ov, Wat is ya Wearin'? It wasn't enough to use a Child's Ironing Man Glove, now you look like a Fecking Oscar Wif Red bits!

Thank you for telling me know how I look. I guess mankind will never lose the concept of a mirror.

Wat is this clothes, did they make you where Dat?

No....they didn't make me wear anything! 

Ya mean fer ya Birfday....dey left ya in yer birfday Suit? HAHAHA!

Are we done, we need to meet Chesed.

Chestnut, who dat?

She's our out. She's taking a big chance to get me back to our plain of existence. 

Weight. "SHE? " Da Gawd Babbys tole me, one of these Applicatah's went Screwy, and it was a women!

It's already happened, It was Binah, the Sephiroth of Understanding, she had found me in my attempts to escape. This Suit, the Digital  Pilgrim, can be removed without a trace. BUUUUUT....Not quick enough for people not to notice.

So for you to say, one of the 2 females to malfunction and the one of Understanding to be unreasonable makes sense.

I-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK : came the digitised voice from the Canister. 

"We are close, gather your friends and we will Escape."

It was the rogue Sephiroth Chesed, who had her Pod modified with weaponry, to see the embodiment of kindness, the Treasure that was the Umbilical cord of the First Being, (Impossible as that would be!) Shoot a tank gun, shocked The Cosmic Entities. 

bUT tHAT iS....

I KETER WILL SPEAK: We have survived for eons, and seen off every civilisation who tried to steal our Knowledge and power. We have seen them all fade to dust. What makes you think, despite turning our sister. That will win?

I BINAH WILL SPEAK: Sister....don't do this!....

Something in Joe-Jack's empty head, echoed in his mind...Something the Cosmic Entities said

"The Malfunctioning Sephiroth has forsaken its Duty for its base programming..."

HOLD ON!....IT'S YOUS!

You're the da Traitor!

-WHAT?

And....That's where we end it, sorry for the Cliffhanger, but I recently had my 40th Birthday,  so there was some time constraints with that and some Local Government issues that had to get dealt with.

So I'll see you next month for A Quiet Place: Day One. Where we will start a new storyline.

TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

CHAPTER 9 Most bad decisions are Made in Backalleys!

When Eighties lad and Sabaru Left the Discard Dimension, They Still retained a concept of time, despite being trapped in a white void.

I bring this up, Because while they had no idea where they were, they surmised it was 5pm local time and some backalley in an English speaking part of the world, And it was spring as evidenced by the shadows cast on the bins and windowsills around them.

The Demonic Woman, grabbed a helpless rat and with her Powers, Transmogriffied the Poor Rodent into a drone, which the time Displaced Genius Flew to a telephone pole. to ping a location with his hi-Tech 3d glasses.

To their Disgust, not only were they still in Ireland, But still in Butt-craic, It was like the Gods were laughing at them!

We Better bounce, Babe! It Wont be long before Eamonn and his Pet Caveman comes looking for us.

You spoke too Soon! Look!

It was as Saburu said. An unlikely crew of Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, The Cosmic Entities and...a man she'd never seen before....He looked like a Cleaner, More refined Joe-Jack. A Brother, Maybe!

Oi knew Ya woul show up, makes it easier to find ya!

Wait, Edwin Tantulus is our enemy? 

I Wouldn't be and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU ONLY KILLED THIS BODY, THE ENTITY OF RAGE WILL BE FREE AT LAST FROM THIS CORPSE HE'S ANIMATING!

And What? Pende*o? Let you kill everything and everyone? No you both made your decisions. Be thankful the discard Dimension Cancels your Death.

Okay...But who is this women

Suburu

SABURU!

Don't you know, She said with a Laugh!

I'm Queen of this Planet.

RIGHT.....~Someone not named Joe-jack Explain.

She is Sabaru Of the Mara, the last of her Kind-demons. Who exacted revenge on the Human Race by Exploiting Eamonn's need for Love and Respect by making him Vouch for her intentions which were to humans into the Monsters they are!

And when the hell was this?

-last year.

-BUT WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK THE BLOODY SAME? WHAT DID EAMONN DO TO STOP IT?

He didn't. I DID!

-Sure

-WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN OI SAY DAT?

-Wait by the way she's staring daggers into you...NO WAY! YOU? HOW?

-Turnin' All mankind intah monstah's was only 'av ov it! To do that, she had to destroy all hope on the Planet, So when she captured us. she put us in bullet-proof cells with me still holdin' me gun! She gloated that she had all the faith in the world we could never destroy the glass...

BUT WITH "ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD" GONE DOING THAT WAS YOUR TICKET OUT!

An' it meant she would have Died from the glass lodgin' intah her heart!

THAT'S HILARIOUS!

Angered by this Saburu threw over a Pub Bin, to find weapons, she found Chicken Bones and Rotting Meat. "Perfect". She used her magic to shoot a torrent of flesh at our Heroes, who drew weapons, until the Cosmic Entities rewound time to before Conflict would be engaged!

yOU wILL nOT eNGAGE eACH oTHER, sUCH aGGRESSON iS nOT pART oF tHE gAME!

yOU nEED tO fIND yOUR hUMAN, aND yOU dESIRE tO kILL hIM...bUT yOU nEED tO fIND hIM fIRST! oNE of tHE aPPRAISERS hAS OVERSTEPPED. iT'S dUTY has bLINDED iT fROM sEEING tHE tRUTH. tHE hUMAN'S sOURCE oF pOWER iS nO lONGER cOMPLETELY bOUND bY a pHYSICAL fORM!

Weight. You might think Oi'm crazy, but Oi have an Eye-deer, so i do!

You're Right. I DO Think It's Crazy...Which is why I'm Humouring You. 

All we need to do is find a DVD. A FILLIUM SO BAD WE CAN USE IT'S POWAH TO TRACK MISS'ER EAMONN.

I member, da first time we fought Da Divil, the Dvd's spun in their cases as a sign of his arrival.

But can we even find a dvd that awful?

Oh, I HAVE A FAIR IDEA WHAT ONE TO USE!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, EQUALIVANT OF A PG-13 RATING FOR VIOLENCE, SYSTEMIC RACISM, SLAVERY, DEATH AND THE REAL LIFE DISCUSSIONS OF PUBLIC URINATION THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND DISGUSTING. SOME WORDS WILL BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 It's Being a Long time coming!

But Finally Rock the Dwayne And his Bottle filling Johnson is finally getting what he Deserves for k*lling the DCU.

This film could have been better if it wasn't for the Ego and Strange Behaviour of it's star.

Rumours of Johnson Rubbing cast and crew the wrong way started to appear online. Johnson, who was making appearances for WWE and working as a Newly Announced TKO Executive (TKO holdings being the owner of both WWE and UFC) would turn up to filming late-if at all! To the point that scenes had to be finished with a Stunt Double in a green mask and Rock's face digitally added. During the Filming,  The Rock had a Bizzare series of interactions with a couple of In-N-Out Brand Burger Restaurants where he would claim to have his "First Ever Burger " in Successful attempts of Free or Comped Meals. And as Alluded to above Johnson would complain about the tight suit he would wear and some unfortunate Crew members were Reported to Dispose or Empty bottles of Wee-Wee to make sure they could make overtime if Johnson was too busy making sure his Nepo Daughter got a General Manager job she Doesn't Deserve!

But can we truly Blame One Man For This Travesty?

Well,  Let's Find out as we dig into this year's Ticket to Hell, Including the 300th Post,  Black Adam. 

Same problems with this cover like the Flash cover. A third of the film is took up by the logo and it still feels empty. Two Thirds of this cover is filled head shorts with no cohesion to it whatsoever-Big Johnson looking down at his co-stars and a Lame Battle Scene where Hawkman's Mace has to talk to The Rock's hand. 

Or maybe Rock is telling Hawkman to Stop In The Name of Love?

We open with Some Child Flatly Reading A Script. 

"Before Rome, Before Babylon, Before the Pyramids, There was Kandaq. It was the First Self-Governing Country. A Mecca of Commerce and Enlightenment. 

"But Everything changed once the Fire Nation Attacked!"

Kandaq was Usurped by king Ak-tum,  a Pharoh obsessed with the Dark Arts, soon his plan to forge a crown to control demons would be made true, as Madeupistan has rich viens of Madeupium ore,  which Ak-tum enslaved his own people to mine in green screen Deserts!

Pfft! Eterium? Unobtainium? Give me good Ole Contrivium any day of the week. 

So one of the miners finds a Nugget of Eternium and it causes a fight for the reward of Freedom between the Slaves.  Until it's Broken Up by the flat voiced child who is equally flat delivering lines in a made up language. 

Look, it may sound like I'm ragging on a child. But none of the local actors, combined with the terrible Sound mixing, hit their lines. I'm sorry Warner Bros, but with all the money David Zsaslov is going to save Disowning The Looney Toons, couldn't you have just flown in Arabic American or Arabic British Actors?

The Miner is given his freedom....The Freedom of Death,  as he is kicked like the Ethiopian Messenger in 300 into a Quarry. 

The boy is taken to one side by his father, Tehtadam (Johnson) telling him not to be so dahm Naive.  The Boy refuses despite causing the death of an old man just now.  So the Little Idiot steals the nugget and holds it up, making a triangle with his hands, as Copy and pasted Extras start praising Yevon. The Little Dumbass is about to be executed until he is sent to the Rock of Eternity, where the Guardian Wizards imbue him with the powers of Eygptians and Mesopotamium God's, as opposed to Shazam's Classical and Biblical Figures.  But the Dumbass made two mistakes.  One, he took his sweet time to have Ak-tum finish the crown of McGuffin and to give the powers to his father. However,  in the Battle that followed, Ak-tum was Defeated but the Palace became Black Adam's Tomb and the crown was lost to time and I'm sure it'll Neeever bother anyone again!

Cut to present Day Generic American Geopolitical view of the Middle east and Little Dumbass has reincarnated into something worse.

A Skateboarding Gen z-er who gets his news from ThickoThot!

Living in a Militarised zone,  he is tripped off his skateboard by a surly Australian peacekeeper trying to do his job. When the little sh*t calls him a F*cist,  he gets so angry, he let's a truck harbouring a Fugitive to go through. 

Turns out the woman is not a Terrorist, and the Peacekeepers are Funded by InterGang.but an archaeologist and the mother of Little Dumbass, Arianna, who her son, Amon wants to help her find the crowd of McGuffin to free Kandaq from InterGang. 

Driving into the desert,  Arianna is aided by Two others,  Kareem, her brother and the comic relief and Ishmael a Richard E Grant lookalike who certainly is not a Villian (!) Are soon ambushed and betrayed by one of their own.  Arianna has a Heirloomed Necklace made of Madeupium that's will lead them to the tomb. The woman retrieves the crown, as Ishmael mugs for the camera. As InterGang surrounds Arianna,  the light refracted from the Necklace reveals a spell hidden on the slab. Reading Shazam, Black Adam rises from his grave as he kills every Single Merc, as Ishmael the Halal Ham-actor tries to steal the crown for himself,  or would if Arianna didn't pull a switcheroo on her traitor. As the Rock K*lls a whole army in Super Slow motion,  he walks past the Archaeologists Van and a Rocket made of Eternium hits him, working like Kryptonite hitting Superman. 

So Ishmael is our Mastermind,  again my theory that DC will only fork out for the real villians If they truly believe that a Sequel is a sure thing holds water. News of Black Adam's Resurrection reaches America as Government handler for Meta Human Affairs Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) tells agent Carter Hall that the Suicide Squad are ill equipped to stop him,  So his team will be given the pointwork to deal with Black Adam, and they are:

Maxine Hunkell aka CYCLONE, Sidekick  to the Android hero Red Tornado,  has wind Manipulation powers and Computing skills. 

"She has all her character's Constellations unlocked on Genshin Impact "

Al Rohlstein Jr aka ATOM SMASHER 2, nephew of the original also heading to Hall Mansion Maxine is riding her bicycle to.  His uncle is played by Henry Winkler.  Something, something Dc jumped the Shark!

Dr Kent Nelson (Pierce Brosnan)aka DR FATE. Nelson draws his powers from Naboo,  a Helmet worn by The Lords of Order,  Basically God's Beureucrats to keep the world chugging along,  even if that means not Saving people who will die anyway or k**ling a Child who may grow up to be Future Hitl*r. Its safer to say the Helm Puppets Kent's Body. Misses his wife.

And Carter looks over his shoulder to his own costume in a glass chamber for Carter Hall is HAWKMAN!

Hawkman has one of the most confusing back stories even by Comic book Standards. 

He and Hawkgirl were Ancient lovers who were k*lled by a villian, who reincarnate every 1000 years and gain Wings when they meet each other in their new life, and must meet, otherwise Carter will go insane from the imbalance of the Hawkman Curse, without Hawkgirl to syphon his power. Only for them to be fated to die by the same villain over again. He seems fine. So let's assume there is a Hawkgirl.

Only for the Writers to say "Screw that! They were Aliens the whole time!"

I AM NOT KIDDING!

So we have an Electric man with the powers of Gods and America are sending two untested teenagers, an Elderly man and Hawkman running on a half tank because Hawkgirl is played by Lady-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. 

In his chauffeured car,  Kent puts his hand on The Helm of Naboo and The Helm shows him the Future,  namely Destruction and the death of Agent Hall. 

So now this new iteration of the Justice Society of America get to Hall's Jet made of Nth Metal,  the material that the Targarians,  Carter's Race makes their maces and armour from.

Now I know what you are going to say. 

Why would a Hawkman,  a Wind user and Dr Fate need a plane if they can fly? Well it's for Atom Smasher's benefit as his powers is Giant Growth after eating a high protein diet!

Arianna has Put Black Adam in Little Dumbass bedroom,  where Tehtadam suffers Nightmares of his son's disappearance and his own death.

He stirs from his sleep, Shooting the face off a Henry Carville Superman poster.

D**k Move, Warner Bros! D**k Move.

Oh, and Black Adam can just Use his lightning to coterize the wound like nothing happened,  because God Forbid we Humanize our Heroes. 

So...after 5000 years,  the first people you meet are people with strong resemblance to your wife and son, and guess what emotion Johnson goes with to convey this confusing feeling off Rage, sadness and unresolved grief?

As Mom researches the Crown, she finds a proverb on it that reads "Life is the only path to Death." Which makes Kareem shout "yeah,  No Sh*t!" 

Little Dumbass,  sorry Amon, Tells Black Adam for the last 5 Millenniums, Kandaq has being Invaded by one Dictator or another, But now the hero has returned to restore The Country's Traditional values and lost honour...

And here is where I should be very careful, because what Amon just said mirrors The sentiment of Hate Groups and Terrorists. When the Taliban returned to power in Afghanistan,  they revoked education for Women,  and they did it calling it "Traditional Values!"

Oh and Potential Spoiler for the film, but in the Comics. Black Adam is the Undisputed Ruler of Kandaq, which is now magically nuked back to the Bronze Age and the people don't care! 

Thetadam goes to leave and smashes walls and tv for poor comedy. He recognises Arianna's voice as the one that freed him, and never shows any emotion that she resembles his wife in every way. He tells them he is no leader, it's their job to K*ll their Enemies.  Mom doesn't want anyone killed, she thought she was Awakening A People's Champion,  not some Self-serving Egotist.

Are we talking about Black Adam...or Dwayne Johnson? Because that line could go either way!  

But instead of Letting him float away, Amon pesters him about how Cool and Rad it can be to use his powers to make money!

Just a little zap of lightning!

Just enough to scramble the speech centre of his Brain.

DO IT!

In the JSA Jet, The Justice Society are about to touchdown. The Plan to deal with Black Adam? Is to Talk to him!

Al Goes to touch the Helm of Naboo, but Maxine tells him touching it will sent Him To The Shadow Realm. Probably. Because noone has ever been stupid enough to even try it!

Seeing Tehtadam Fly to look at his Statue,  Little Dumbass, makes things worse by pestering InterGang During a Skateboarding Stunt scene with Licenced Music. After a fakeout that makes it look like Amon Fudged Around and is about to Find out, Arianna is recognised and arrested for questioning, Until Black Adam saves them by k*lling all the InterGang soldiers by recreating the Mexican Standoff scene from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" complete with music, until he is about to drop 2 jobbers from a great height, until the JSA Jet Rucks up to him. Unimpressed and undeterred, Black Adam drops them as Hawkman and Dr Fate Springs to actions.

Hawkman in his Rip-off Falcon Armour save the InterGang soldiers as the townspeople boo them for arresting them and cheers when Black Adam Vapourizes them to ash!

Hawkman and Dr Fate begin their plan to negotiate...and by Negioate they mean threaten! Black Adam Refuses to Both Kneel or Die, So Kent Magics up an illusion of Kandaq in its prime to distract him, while Hawkman gets the Jump on him. All the while Cyclone,  Atom Smasher and Amon Stand Slack jawed and useless. Until she's called to battle. Cyclone does a Cirque De Soliel Dance in midair that loosens some scaffolding that become spears that fly towards Amon, only for Dr Fate to teleport Amon away from Danger.

(Snaps Fingers)

Darn!

Arianna's Bag touches Dr Fate and he feels the presence of the crown inside it! 

Finally Atom Smasher arrives and Stealing potential Energy from cars to grow 6 storeys tall, saves (and tries to rizz up) Cyclone,  But the Society drop their guard and Black Adam buries under the giant hand that smashed him, flies out and uppercuts the giant into his own statue that crumbles to rumble to have the peasants turn against the JSA. 

Despite Causing an International Incident, Kent tracks down Arianna,  because as a lord of Order, Dealing with Lords of Chaos relics takes precedence.  Arianna spouts more insane Troll logic, as Hawkman tries to convince The Kandaqi have being lied to about Black Adam, it doesn't help that Atom Smasher keeps doing repeated Johnny Somalis on Tehtadam's Statue. Dr Nelson asks Arianna to give him the crown, she says she doesn't have it! She doesn't know who now does. 

BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY! BUT IT'S LITTLE DUMBASS! As he skates back home. 

Back in the Market Square,  Hawkman tells Arianna that Ancient Scriptures that they have access to shows that Tehtadam is not the hero they make him out to be.

So Ancient Texts Stolen by Americans, sorry but not helping your case, Birdbrain! 

Well somehow Arianna bends and takes the benefit of the doubt and agrees to help in Negotiations  

At the temple, Arianna confronts "The Champion " that he was not killed, he was sealed after k*lling everyone indiscriminately. But Arianna still thinks because of how he carries himself, he can still do the right thing. 

At her home, Amon returns to see Kareem taken Hostage by Ishmael and tries to keep him schtum about the crown....but fails miserably to read between the lines. And he too is taken hostage. Kareem rushes Ishmael,  Sacrificing his life so Amon can Escape with the crown.

Despite Hawkman and Black Adam itching for a round two, Amon calls Arianna to tell her Ishmael is alive, working for InterGang, Kareem is dead and InterGang is raiding her building.  The mother pleads with the Anti-Hero to save her Son, which he tries to do, before Ishmael bumbles the boy into the chassis of a Sky bike.  Atom Snasher continues to be as Useless as a Chocolate Teapot!

Dr Fate teleports to Arianna's House to find the crown and heals Kareem's wounds only because it's not his time. Following every Sky biker, Black Adam Kills every Single one of them, only for the Audience to learn Ishmael is still on solid ground, as the Sky Bike is being hauled by a truck into the desert. 

In the JSA Jet, Kareem is operated on by Cyclone who injected him with Nanomachines (Son!) We get Cyclone's Backstory, sparse as it is. She was Kidnapped at age 15, by a Mad Scientist and Injected with the very Nanomachines she's saving Kareem with, and after that she became a ward of the Justice Society of America. 

Dr Nelson tells Arianna that she can't change the past, but she can change the future by trusting him.  Hawkman has captured two Skybikers and Black Adam Sarcastically interrogates by threatening to drop them for not getting his answers...and then drop them anyway!

You know Rocky, I think you need a new bit, this dropping people to their deaths after saying you won't is getting Stale.

He does learn that Amon is taken to a place where everything comes full circle:

Amon Is forced to work in the mines!

PART 2, THIS BLOGS 300TH POST, WILL BE OUT IN MAY!

Eamonn Reviews Nan

 A lot of production companies in charge of  Certain Fandoms that reach worldwide Status, usually hire actors from that country of origin, who before gaining fame outside that country, usually have their previous works get overshadowed by that very fandom.

Case in point, Before Doctor Who, Catherine Tate is and was a Sketch Show Comedienne who, after Playing Donna Noble and seemingly Breaking America, Returned to her career at the BBC. 

And she Hasn't really appeared in Anything of Merit Since. A Cameo here, a Side Character there, A role as either an Evil Parent, or Useless Adult in one of the adaptions of David Walliams' Rip-off Roald Dahl books. So maybe a return to her own show will help?

There is only one problem with that!

Unlike Harry Enfield, who we did years ago in Kevin and Perry Go Large, Tate's characters are not as recognizable as many of the sketches did not have canon names. Tate's back Catalogue of shows as wide as it is, only had 3 named characters, namely Lauren the Teenager,  Bernie the Useless Irish Nurse and Nan.

There are other sketches, but let's be honest, COULD YOU? sit at the cinema, and watch an one hour version of Going On Guess, What Am I Like or Easily Surprised Woman?

And if you don't know or remember, given that as I said these sketches had no fixed Character name let me give you a synopsis, and prove it could have been a lot worse:

An office worker makes her colleague guess what she did, with what she actually did being the most boring thing possible!

A Stupid Woman Recants the stupid thing that nearly almost definitely would have killed her, her husband or children like mistaking cement for flour and having a good Ole laugh about it!

I MEAN....IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS CHARACTER YOU CAN PRACTICALLY HEAR THE SOUND IN YOUR HEAD, CAN'T YA?

Though, to be fair, making a Posh Horror Film where the Posh family go to a Holiday Camp and treating it like the Bates Motel would be funny....and better than what we are about to  read!

But no, instead we need recognition of the  show's quote, most popular creation of a vile, Bigoted Crass Elderly Woman getting the silver screen treatment. 

As the winner of the first poll on my X account, this is Nan.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR CRASS AND DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE,  WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, SCENES OF DRUG USE, TERRORISM AND DESCRIPTIONS OF NUDITY. DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

We open in some period of the early 20th century in London. (Doesn't say when, but let's lowball it and say after the Great War) A Nurse Tells A well Dressed Gentleman, That his wife just gave birth to a Daughter. He holds her up and tells her, she will be grow up to be the Greatest Woman of her Generation...which leads to Catherine's voice to shout at us that he was right, as the sweet baby is replaced by Nan's Cackling Maw and Title Drop.

Usually, I would start with a Critique of the DVD Cover or Promo Art from Netflix, But it's just Nan on a White Background, so I'm not wasting my time, moving on!

So in some Graffiti covered slum in London where Nan Lives, she's doing some shopping and is Capricous with every person she meets, commenting on ugly babies and people's weight. That's when Jamie, her long suffering Grandson (Matthew Horne) The Effeminate Millienial that Nan thinks is Gay, because he drives a minivan....solely for Charity work, but still he's scored less again in Nan's Eyes, because he does Cartoons on YouTube ("Animations, I have 30 followers online!") 

After buying a life sized Statue of Robert Mugabe and having Jamie lugging it up a flight of stairs while Nan takes a lift, she insults her neighbours by learning the husband, a fat man had being at the doctors. After trying to guess what obesity related disease he has, Nan Scoffs that his weight is being treated with Psychotherapy.  "Eating your Feelings, eh? By the look of you, I bet they were delicious!"

Actual F**king Quote.

When they get out of the lift, the neighbour wife asks why is Jamie dragging a statue of Robert Mugabe? Nan says she thought it was a Statue of Trevor McDonald, the Former Newscaster. 

GET IT? BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH BLACK MEN WITH GLASSES? EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE, RIGHT?

So that's what passes for Humour-Casual Racism and assessing the Younger Generation of being "Soft." Case again in point, the same neighbours invites Nan for Sunday Lunch and she makes an excuse. She tells Jamie the reason she won't go is that she has it on good authority that the neighbours are "Deviants"....Naturists, Specifically "Cos they 'Ave those organic Vegatables Delivered."

Settled inside the flat, Nan opens a handwritten letter, addressed to her as Joanie Taylor, to visit the writer who exposits , through a pleading voice and Gentle music, that she, Her sister Nell, is dying and wants to see her before she does  "Even if she doesn't forgive her". Nan Bellows "F*CK OFF!",  to cut off the music and crumple the letter, only for Jamie to enquire about it.

Nan is Adamant that she is not going anywhere,  until the Neighbours she accused of being nudists, wants to extend the offer of lunch to dinner for tonight, only to use the plot of a road trip movie as an excuse not to attend the Obvious Brick Joke that they were nudists after all, until the end credits. 

So the Charity Minibus is this bee themed papier machè covered abomination, with the name of the charity Jamie works for written on the side, and it's called....(SIGH!) GOD HELP US!...

CRAFTS

UNDO

NEGATIVE 

THINKING

As a man, I can not say that word. Even if I was not on Google, I would still not say THAT WORD!

So it's a British comedy character on a road trip, what Exotic Locale are we venturing to?

Los Angeles like Mr Bean?

Ibiza like Kevin and Perry?

Tokyo like that Bbc3 show no one watched?

NO, IRELAND!

Given that Tate has a character, literally called Useless IRISH Nurse, it means any representation is going to be bad representation! Any reaction from me is intensified due to me watching this on St Patrick's Day!

So Jamie asks Nan why she hates her sister so much. She Reveals she was a real Daddy's girl until he died of Tuberculosis, and like that, she (and I will be referring to Nan as "Joanie" in the past) and her sister Nell were forced out of school to continue his Rag-N-Bone Business. But,  of course, they are OIRISH In LAWNDAWN, and you can't be OIRISH IN LAWNDAWN WITHOUT BEING A CRIMINAL! So Joanie stole things to sell and pawn while Nell, (Katherine Parkinson)  who was still a teenager, Distracted Men with her body and "Womanly Wiles".

But then the war happened, and the Taylor Sisters became Factory Girls, but during a night out, Nell falls in love with a G.I. And that ruins their plan of making enough money to buy a house on "The Island off of Ireland". It's never named, but what if it was here?

ANYWAY ~

With all the men at war, the only man left is Hopeless Romantic Tel, apparently a man sweet on Joanie since Childhood....until a Black GI sweeps her off her feet.

Turns out the Soldier Nell danced with was a rac*st, So she chases him off but claims the Black GI, Walter from her Sister...until Nan in the present interrupts the story so she can "relieve" herself in a tupperware box. 

KEEP IT CLASSY!

Rather than return to the story, Nan talks about her appointment to the Day Spa she's booked in Coventry, instead of seeing her sister, and she thinks the "Hollywood" she booked is a meeting with the Bake-off Judge Paul Hollywood.

We go into the first of Jamie's Animations, these horrible looking photo cut-out nightmares to show us scenes that the film couldn't afford to film like Jamie detoured from Coventry to Liverpool

And into the second part of the Flashback, Joanie and Walter Did have a date later, With Nell as a Third Wheel so she could slowly steal the American From her more abrasive Sister by acting the demure innocent. And it worked...and that's why Nan hates her. Nan realizes she's in Liverpool by noticing how scummy the people look!

A BIG APOLOGY TO ANY READERS FROM LIVERPOOL! 

So A woman's voice screams at the van for Illegal parking, and it's a Former Council Worker Character from the show, Officer Marlow, who exposits she was fired for "Being Insensitive to the Elderly " when in reality, Nan was Stealing Cable TV! So now we have an antagonist to our story, a Jobsworth council woman, now a police officer whose life was ruined by Nan. Triggered by the Acronym of the charity minivan, Marlow Seethes and makes a plan for revenge as the Taylors rest in a seedy B&B for the night.

Kept awake by Drunken Rugby Revellers. Nan gets out of bed to sort it out, given Jamie would do something Soft and New Aged like "Aligning the Chakras." Jamie hears a thud and expects the worst, But instead he finds Nan and these Australian Ruggers Rat-Ar**d on Jager Bombs. They stumble out the bar to Officer Marlow ready to throw the book at them for Drunk and Disorderly and D*ugs Possession. But instead she just let's them all walk off! Even when Nan flips her off and continues to party til dawn.

It gets worse when Nan drops her Angina Tablet, and she's given "Something Stronger " by the Ruggers. Jamie runs into the club to see Nan in a terrible state. Having to pass Marlow to get back to her room, Nan messes with her in her Altered State. In that very same Altered State, it's the only time Nan ever shown any respect to Jamie.

.....Then the next morning, he wakes him up by farting in his face!

Because we can't have nice things!

The next morning on the road, Officer Marlow tails Nan and Jamie with her police bike, Nan is tuckered out, so Jamie tricks her by taking the ferry to Dublin, with Marlow leaving her post to exact revenge, not only beyond her jurisdiction, but beyond her station as a traffic warden.

Nan wakes up and realises she's in Ireland, and Jamie gives her the ultimatum: she doesn't have to see her sister, but he never met his aunt and he wants to before she dies. Nan begrudgingly Agrees...as long as she gets a pint of Guinness right now. Jamie tells her it's 9am, but Nan Scoffs. You can Get Guiness any time of day in Ireland, Because it's IRELAND!

As an Irishman,  I feel it's my duty to tell you my Overseas readers and friends you can't buy alcohol from shops before 10 am, and not by bars til 12. You can not buy any alcohol from supermarkets on Holy Days such as Christmas Day or St Patrick's Day.

But since this is the BBC we are talking about....

RAC*ST ALARM! AUTOMATIC MOVIE FAIL!

So Every Irish Stereotype is here, the Drink, the pub, the Rebel Songs, the fact that Nan's new friend, Mick-Mick-Mick, nicknamed for the 3 Ms tattooed on his wrist, may be a Terrorist. As they all sit on the van stargazing while Mick is inside the Minibus using the craft supplies for something, as Nan continues her story. The War Raged on through the Forties and she's alone.

Except Nell rubs it in that she's with Walter, and Tel delivers a letter from Walter, it reads that  The Americans departs to France Tonight and he wants to admit something to Joanie, and not to tell Nell. 

Joanie at the Factory could not contain her excitement on having one up on Nell. But she has her suspicions. Nell puts her to one side and tells her the good news-She's Pregnant!

The wind is taken out of Joanie's Sail, as she realizes that Walter's letter is a "Dear John" letter. Also, Nell hasn't told Walter, as it would only distract him.

Filled with the Bitterness that will seep over the  decades, Jamie can't accept Walter's Declaration of Love, knowing what she now knows. And with no one else who will take her, She Settles on Tel, and they registered their marriage in a week.

Back to the present and Mick reveals he made an art piece for the liberation of animals from corporate greed. They listen to the radio news, and a warning of a Clinically Depressed Animal Rights activist turned bomber targeting Food Processing Factories and he has 3 Ms tattooed on his Wrist meaning "Meat Means Murder". So yeah, The only Irish character in your British Film is a Terrorist! A mentally unstable animal activist triggered by Nan eating Fridge Raiders in front of him. And now they are kidnapped to aid him on his next "Liberation."

So Nan is forced to bomb a farm, but Officer Marlow trails her, thinking she's the one in charge. Nan tries to escape by faking a Potty Emergency....except it's not fake! Jamie stalls a security man with his craft work, they set the bomb, Free the chickens and walk away from the explosion by not looking back at it! During the Getaway, shown as an Animation, The 3 give Marlow and the Gardai the Slip.

Now Wanted Criminals, Nan has an idea, to somehow knowing the Australian Ruggers were here in Ireland, to repaint the minivan in the Australian Colours to get Mick-Mick-Mick to the Island off of Ireland.  With the Ruggers in tow they drive the van, until there is a Police Search on the road to the ferry.

But Marlow recognises Nan, so Mick sacrifices his freedom to get Nan to her sister, but Marlow is still in hot pursuit, until they do a Thelma and Louise dive onto a ferry.

Nan finishes her story. The War is over, and Walter Returned to England as a Hero. He and Nell are to be Wed, with Joanie as a Bridesmaid.  Helping Nell into her dress,  Joanie Naively comments on how Nell is not showing a pregnant belly. Nell reveals she lied. Angered that She's saddled with a Dud like a Tel,  Joanie Slaps Nell and ruins the Wedding. Tel comes up a winner and agrees with his new wife that a piece of work like Nell would never know the kind of love he has for Joanie.

No wonder Nan is this way, she in her own words did everything right her whole life and look what she gets for it!

YOU HAVE BEING RAC*ST, CRUEL AND H********C THE WHOLE TIME! THE ONLY VILLAIN IN THIS FILM IS ONE OF YOUR OWN MAKING! AND EVEN HER FATE IS GOING TO BE UP FOR INTERPRETATION!

So let's finish this! 

The Ruggers make their leave, and Nan reveals she meant it when she said she was proud of Jamie, they find the house Nell lives and Nan goes in, leaving Jamie to wait in the van. In the doorway, Nell waits for her. Joanie came here despite having reservations, but now she's here and Nell can leave the mortal plain, knowing she's better than Joanie, in her big house on a stolen dream with the Perfect Man-

(SIGH!)

THEY COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE!

THIS FILM WAS ABOUT TO REDEEM ITSELF!

AND THEN THEY DO WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND AN IMAGE!

Turns out, Walter is a Crossdresser, and in her eyes, Nan Won! TEL WAS A PATHETIC MAN, BUT AT LEAST HE WAS A MAN! That's our twist ending!

But Nell will not stand for Nan bashing Tel, he was right after all, they were soulmates.

We get a Pixar Up style montage of Joanie and Tel's Life up to his death. The realization that she was the best thing her life makes all the Bitterness melt away. Walter realizes Nell stole their life away, but Nan admits she would have never coped with all this. As the Taylors leave for home, they remember they are wanted Criminals. So when Marlow jumps on the minivan's Bonnet, one of the Ruggers tackles her off it. And so, we end with an animation, Mick-Mick-Mick is in prison but the chickens visit him, the Ruggers carry out Marlow to perform vigilante Justice, and we return to live action as the Taylors return to the flat in London and guess what, Turns out the Neighbours were Nudists after all, as unfortunately, the last thing we see is Nan's Old bare A*s sitting at a harpsichord.

THIS FILM AUTOMATICALLY FAILS FOR BEING RACIST TO THE IRISH!

Even if it wasn't, This film is just Rotten! One Note Generational Stereotypes, annoying jokes, The Animation scenes which are hard to look at, smack of "We Can't afford to film Catherine in costume in a Petrol Station, nevermind afford a police chase Scene."

I will give it to them that the period pieces were good, only problem is that if it wasn't for Tate doing the Nan laugh, you wouldn't have known this was part of the character's Mythos. And even then, these scenes add another layer of Terrible-Emotional Manipulation-THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR NAN, DESPITE NEVER EARNING IT! But let's play some Sad Music and have her walk on a beach looking sad, that'll work!

The Twist with Walter solely there to make Nan "Win" was horrible. And very insulting, in universe they tried to justify that hints were planted, but they really weren't! We also don't have a resolution to Nan not being arrested like she did not become a wanted criminal in two different countries, she just returned to the slums, Ambivalent to it all.

So what to I think about this film?

I'll let our star speak on my behalf!

CREDITS 

Nan The Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media from:

The Catherine Tate Show

ITN

Wonder Showzen

Father Ted.

The Catherine Tate Show is Property of the BBC.

The Nan Movie was Produced by DJ Films, Great Point Media, Lip Sync Productions, Merlin Films, Zalhara Films, Sulcata Films and Distributed by Warner Bros!

All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners!

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