THREE TICKETS TO HELL: THE SLAMMIN' SALMON PART 2

 (PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE...)

The Earth is Doomed!

Buying into the Gift of Peace that was given to the planet, despite it terraforming and the land and killing all those there into materials for Colleges for her Brand of Heroes. it was all a ploy by Sabaru, to feast on the fear of sentient life, as her Species of Mara tend to do. Frankensteining her kind in a void into a pathagen that causes those frightened to turn into Monsters. All over the world, People are either Monsters or Sucked into Masses of Gelatinous Blobs that where once 100s if not 1000s of lifeforms.

Meanwhile on the Review side of things, 3 Tickets to hell ends with Disappointing Results, as The Broken Lizard Boys are The serving Staff at The Slammin' Salmon, A High-end Restaurant owned by A former Boxing Champion and one that has needs 20 Grand in the space of one night or Yakuza kills everyone! But not before Salmon kills his Manager for Fucking Up! So Rich Lies and tells his staff that The Champ is Running a competition tonight so he doesn't Die. And that's the "Plot" to the Film, A Staff of servers Undercutting each other to win a Prize Under false Pretences. We also have Rich Swallowing a wedding ring and being feed Laxatives, A chef with anger Issues, a Waitress with a Burnt face, and a Man with OCD, Nicknamed "Nuts" refusing to take his Medication in an effort to win! 

We Return to the Story, as the Family of the Pop-star Nutella Played By Vivica A. Fox. (Yes I said something about the name and casting in the last Post, LET IT GO!)

Nutella sits at Tara's table, So Conner flirts with Patty the Receptionist and asks if she will be his plus 1 if he wins....provided he gets the best tables of course!

Tara takes Nutella and her four guests order and they want 5 of the most expensive items on the menu. Desperate to make the money after the champ takes half out for the prize, Rich puts Donnie, the Busboy on the  floor, as a waiter. Despite being drinking the Blue food colouring Liquor all night, has enough sense to tell him he's drunk. But Rich needs all the help he can get, even from busboys. Dave has cooked Rich a Lingune Full of Rock Shrimp ("You'll Wanna be Close to the Shitter when you are half way done, I call that my Pants Down Pasta!" ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTE!)

In the Deep end, Donnie pisses off Some Bri'ish Soccer Yobs.

And IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!

Meanwhile Guy's now Sworn Enemy, War and Peace Dude is Still Reading while An Obese Family are waiting to be Seated, once more the Scholar orders a drink, some tea, so at least he's paying for drinks! So Donnie gets this table, so he can work his magic on pissing him off!

I dunno, war and peace dude is pretty Zen, Soccer Yobs usually find some reason to cause trouble.

Patty has come up good for Conner, she has landed a party of 6. Unfortunately, it's his former Co-workers, including the one he claimed to have slept with.

Guy feels the Need to go mess with the man with OCD who is nicknamed Nuts.

By the way, Nuts is In last place, Despite all the other men giving him Their tables to help Ryan sweep out his Round Chimney!

Meaning Nuts has Turned into his Alter Ego Zongo which the patrons believe is a piece of performance art.

This puts the dead last Straggler into first place, Amid Concerns by Tara. Spencer Flips off Rich who still has not passed the Ring, until the "Pants Down Pasta" takes effect.

Zongo becomes too out of hand and his Antics now becoming harmful. Spencer is given a Rum and Coke with so much booze, when he see Mia's burnt face carrying a lit Birthday cake decorated with Roman Candles, he Spits out his tipple and burns her face even further, While the other staff force feeds Nuts his medication.

Conner confronts his Former producer about firing him. Turns out Conner was Fired because he was only hired because he was born with a large Nose, that Mr Lobo could write Nose Puns. And what does Conner Do? Blow his First Paycheck on a nose job!

10:25 and Nuts had come to his senses and his shocked to see him winning, So he vomits his pills while in the next booth, Rich finds out how big a 45 Grand Diamond really is when it Gets "Stuck"! Mia decides to endure, now looking like a genderbent Freddie Kruger!

Rich has Finally "Retrieved" the Ring, Sans Diamond. Donnie who's dead last is intimidated by Mr Salmon who is eyeballing him as his next victim ("I'm gonna use your Spine as a jump-rope!") Donnie Runs out in fear but Salmon catches up! Conner meets the actor who replaced him, who has a bigger nose than he was born with, feeling more than a twinge of Jealousy

Tara finds Donnie Crying in the Refrigeration Unit, so she give him one of her regulars. We See Zongo in a dream sequence in a restaurant Serving Kittens, but in reality, Zongo is forcing feeding a man a whole squid with his cock hanging out before Mr Salmon had to punch him out! Rich Plops out the ring, Sans Diamond, but Samara excepts anyway, However being Luvvy-Duvvy all Night with her, Spencer has found out all her Quirks and Foibles and might have second thoughts!

Tara Calls out Rich for being the same Pussy who couldn't stand up to the Champ. There is a reason for this-something they bring up mere Minutes before the end Credits-That Rich is Married to Salmon's Sister and has A set of triplets, who have come to visit-Just Now! Close to Midnight!

AND IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!

Desperate to not lose, the new loser is Guy, who has no-one sitting at his section, Falls back on Underhanded tactics. Turns out Mia's Burns are worse than we thought, as Guy blows into her hair and a Blonde clump falls into a glass of water, staining it with blood!

This makes the entire table of heavy-set football football Players Bailout so Quickly they upturn all the tables in Mia's Section, to get out of there! Tara Learns First hand that Alongside being an Idiot, and a thug, Mr Salmon is a Snake Oil Salesmen, who threatens Punches to Celebs and Makes it up to them by fully comping the meals for free, to win this clientele of Celebrity Fans!

So Lets finish this!

It's now 12:30. And Conner Wins. But in a shocking serve, War and Peace Dude tells Donnie he is Dying and his Bucket List was to Read All of War and Peace in his favourite restaurant. Something that Donnie let him Do, not like that other guy! So Donnie gets the man's life savings of 3,000 dollars. he leaves with sentimental music playing in the background....Until he is killed, ran over by a Green screen Horse! When Rich Announces Tara as the Winner, Donnie reveals he gave the table to her as thanks. However there is a problem, the total is 19, 900 dollars! So Salmon takes the grand of the staffs tips in front of everyone. Rich stands up to his Brother in law/boss and in comes the Punchline: Mr Salmon owed the yazuka 20,000 YEN, Not 20,000 DOLLARS!

THE SABOTAGE, THE LAXATIVES, THE ASSAULTS AND ALL THE LAWSUITS THAT WERE PREDICATED ON THIS COMPETITION.....

AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!1!!!

AT4W - Combine Harvester - YouTube

And so after taking the 12,00 Dollars, The film Ends with Mr Salmon throwing the rest of the cash in the air, while everyone wrestles for the flying notes, as Tara and Donnie are a Couple now who have a romantic Kiss, Until "Donnie" starts to grope Tara, because it's Dave, dressed as Donnie Forcing himself onto her!

"KONO DAVE DA!"

BECAUSE RAPE IS FUNNY!

And Because Mr Salmon is a man of his Word (EXCEPT ALL THE TIMES WE SEE HE IS NOT!) And Also Because he Deserved It, Guy gets Punched so hard, he turns into a painting!

GOOD LORD! THIS FILM SUCKS!

This Film is Unstructured, Unmotivated, and just Dumb! Nothing in this film works! The twist that Ryan is Mr Salmon's Brother in law? It should have being half an hour on the story and Ryan's Thread, Not "Fat man eats Diamond Ring and Laxative, because fat people eat will eat anything, because their fat!" But instead, we don't have people to root for, we have the freaks at the Freak Show, arguing about who gets to bite off the head of the Chickens first!

The Characters are jerks and even beyond that all of them are either so lacking in Personality or their Backstories are so Ridiculous (An Actor learns the fact he was solely for his giant nose, and was never told, does he Sue, No! He grovels that he'll get a bigger nose! And that's all Conner's Development!) The Jokes on Body Image, Poop, Mental Illness and Sexual Violence is just Puerile. Michael Clarke Duncan tried to carry this film, but In most scenes, he loses steam very quickly. But I can't solely blame this film's Cast for its failure, 

But the Blatant Lies From the Blurb from AolOnline, claiming this film was "In the top 10 funniest films of 2009!" It wasn't? Do you know what was the Funniest film of that year according to Bing? (The Successor of AOL?)

A film already reviewed by me, for not being funny! The Invention of Lying!

The film where Ricky Gervais invents Religion ! THAT FILM!

This is not only one of the Worst Broken Lizard Comedy films I've seen, it's one of the Worst Comedies I've seen PERIOD!

But you know what?

Still better than Beerfest!

AND NOW OUR CONCLUSION.

It had seem like forever but in all actuality, only a week had went by.

Joe-Jack was starting to Run out, Cartridges for His gun, Food, Patience, Hope. Take your Pick. This Enemy. This Despair Pathogen was far different from anything he had Fought and Killed Before. He  had starting with his father killed innocent people before, but this was Different. This virus turned them from innocent people into Something that could and Did fight back. 

He was Stumbling in a back street when he stepped on a errant rib-bone, weather it was left from a fresh kill or failed Transformation was anyone's Guess.

What Mattered was the bone was stepped on causing a loud snap to ring in the Backalley, Gaining the Attention of want were People know their Corpses rearranged to look like Dogs or extra Limbs, shambled to eat Joe-jack or Convert him into a Monster.

It seemed like the End for him, As a Despair Drone Lunged at him, Only for some Fire that came from behind him to scare the Creatures off!

"YEAH. YOU BETTER FUCKING RUN, YOU PUTAS!"

Satanic Ostrich had saved Joe-Jack. But since Joe-Jack was Heading home to Check on Mammie, The Lord of Sin had some bad News.

The BnB Was Still standing, the Front door still locked. Joe-Jack had hoped that what Satan told him was either a lie or exaggeration.

HE DIDN'T LEARN.

THERE IS NO HOPE NOW!

In the Sit-room, locked by her son to watch tv until he came back, Mammie was exposed to the Newstory that turned everyone. Now hiding under an upturned Armchair. Mammies legs and Torso were seen....Now Attached to a Mass that was once her head , now a Pulsing membrane of Brain lobes and Tumours Moving on Crab Legs, When the Mammie-Drone moved, her Former Body flopped forward or Back like a Ragdoll or a Ribbon tied to a Branch in the breeze.

"JOE-JACCCCCKKKKKK? IT....HURTZZZZZZ!

-oi Know , Mammie, i know!

-HELLLLLP MEEEEE!

-I WILL, MAMMIE I WILL! 

(He loaded his gun!)

-Mammie, afore you get up dere, I wantz ye to know, afore Rose In Dat Heaven tells you herself! 

HER DEATH WOZ KNOT YER FAULT!

(IN THE HALL, SATAN WAS WAITING! HE NODDED HIS HEAD IN SADNESS, AS THE LOUD BANG CAME FROM THE NEXT ROOM!)

Do you need a minute?

Noah, It's just....oi never thought oi would Eva...

(There was a Sound of Scuttling Legs like that of a giant Insect. There was a look exchanged like Mammie had somehow survived!

Bolting through the Sit-room, they saw that indeed Mammie was Still dead, but on top of the indignity of Mutation and death, Mammie was now used as Bait for an Ambush. 

Springing from the chimney flume and upturned furniture, Spider Camera Bots surrounded them, tying them in webbing of Film cells, but surprisingly it had some level of Textile Strength. Smashing through the windows, each of our heroes was put onto the backs of the newly Arrived Camera-Dogs, as were carried off on the Rotten Flesh of the Cyborgs. All the way to their "Mother"

The Heroes College which was once Joe-Jack Front garden, was the Destination. So I would Feel kind off Silly to Just go into all his trouble of Bondage to lead them here.

But That was Sabaru to a fault,

From being A Seductress to a Hypewoman for her Brand of "Heroes"

She Liked Putting on a Spectacle. 

Or Maybe the Right Word was Display. 

Hurled onto the Floor Joe-Jack and Satan was about to rush their captor Until a Glass, like the one Eamonn Stood in Despondent. Joe-Jack was confused to why his gun was not Removed. Then it became Clear when Ostrich blasted some Magic to No avail.

-I Would Not even try, This Glass has being made With Someone's Holding the fragment of a Devil's DVD In Mind. Eamonn is all tuckered Out Because he tried to Use His Dimension Shattering Punch 5 times before giving up!

 -IMPOSSIBLE! THAT THE ENTIRITY OF EXISTENSE COMPRESSED INTO A SINGLE PUNCH!

-DIS GLASS TOOK DA POWA OV 5 EPISODES OF DA BIG BANG THEORY TO DA FACE?

So your Probably Wondering why I did it!

 I killed my kind to cause another Extinction What is my Endgame?

But then you all Figured It out when I Said too Much about Eighties Lad.

The Human, In his RAGE, Who Killed The Cosmic Entity Of Rage, And Took His Place In the Game Of Souls.

THIS IS MY PLAN ALL THE LONG!

To Cause More Despair to Take the Pawns out of The Blasted Cosmic Entities Play all at Once!

This Not Extinction .

This is Apotheosis!

-You Can get Tablets Fer that!

-Moron! It means Becoming a God. All this time Going from World to world gathering Power. 

( Sabaru Pressed a Button on Console that Shown a Map Of her linear Descent to Earth via other Presumably Destroyed Planet. Eamonn Stirred When he saw that one was "Gorgon Planet" he remembered that Gorgon who Went from Hunter to Frightened Prey!

" You have the Scent of an Apex Predator on you! Doesn't believe her lies! Figure out the pattern before It's too late for your planet!)

So It's now time She said as she Received her Throne. The Mass of Tentacles which came out from her Mouth gathered Further and Larger Revealing Connector ports to the Wires for her Dock, which she used to Be connected to her Dimension and Fake Planet all times, Now This Throne which she Straddled with her Mouth agaped in Comprised Position was not used To Drain the World of all the Despair she caused, all the hope that was not there, she Brimmed with Power as on the Screens the Sky darkened, the Seas grew stagnant. Birds crashed onto Land, Forests Rotted and Weather Subsided. In Some Cities, Buildings Crumbled and a drone which was once a child's Body barked, Under trapped some Debris called out for Help, until some Misshapen creatures all once human themselves pulled the Boulder of the young Mutation!

This Caused Joe-Jack to stir himself!

DO YOU SEE? I HAVE EATON ALL OF MY FILL, AND LEFT PLANET AS A HUSK WITH NO  HOPE AND FAITH IN IT'S MISERABLE DENIZENS!, I HAVE TAKEN THE HOPE OF EVERY BEING I ENCOUNTERED. I HAVE CREATED MORE DESPAIR THAN ANY ONE BEFORE ME! 

I TRULY HAVE BECOME A GOD!

(Sabaru detached herself from wires and stood triumphantly, expecting to leave her Body behind in this plain of existence!)

hehehehe......

-WHAT IS SO FUNNY? WAIT OF ALL THE PEOPLE I EXPECT TO HAVE AN ATTEMPT ON A HEROIC COMEBACK, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU! SO THEN LET ME HUMOUR YOU ONE LAST TIME, IDIOT, BEFORE I RELISH RIPPING YOU APART!

YERE DA FUCKIN' IDIOT SUBURU!

I SEE YOU CANNOT GET MY NAME RIGHT, EVEN MINUTES BEFORE YOU DEATH!

(Joe-jack Raised his Gun to Sabaru's chest!)

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! YOU SAW BEELEZEBUB STRUGGLE TO BURN THE GLASS PRISON YOU ARE IN. YOUR HERO COULDN'T DO ANYTHING AFTER HITTING WITH THE POWER OF 5 BIG BANGS TO IT, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR PATHETIC LIL' PEASHOOTER COULD DO ANYTHI-

(BANG!)

(SHATTER!)

(Sabaru, stood there all Shocked, a bullet wound in her chest, bleeding out!)

HOW......DID....I.....LOSE.......THE......GLASS.....WAS.....NOT.....SUP.POSE......

It woz all yer owen Fault, truth be told! Ye Had all da faith in da Worl, that Dis glass wouldn't Break!

"ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD!" Sabaru breathed out, Realizing what she had done!

"SEE IT WORKS BOTH WAYS DOES FAITH, IT DOESN'T CARE IF YA GOOD OR BAD! SO IF YOU REMOVE ALL THE HOPE AND FAITH IN THE WORLD, PLACING STOCK IN ANYTHING IS A BAD IDEA!

NO....YOU LIE.....I....AM A GOD...I'M TURNED MOST OF HUMANITY INTO THE  SAVAGE MONSTERS THEY TRULY ARE....I.....WON!

NO YA DIDN'T! WE ARE MONSTERS ALL DA TIME ARE PEOPLE, BUT EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS THAT WE CAN BE PRICKISH TO EACH OTHER, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS AN EVIL SPRINGS UP DESPITE BEING WARNED ABOUT IT FOR EVER, EVEN IF IT SEEMS WE DON'T DESERVE IT! 

WE ALWAYS FIND OUR WAY OUT OF DESPAIR TOGETHER!

NOW I ALREADY KILLED SOMEONE TODAY I COULD HAVE SAVED, SO I TELL YA NOW REVERSE THIS  WIF DA TIME YOU HAVE LEFT, COZ YE R DYIN' WITH A BIG L, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

....I CAN'T! EVEN I COULD, I WAS EXPECTING HAVING THE POWER OF A GOD TO DO THIS OVER AND OVER!

-That can be Arranged. I'm pretty sure, the Cosmic Entities are not too pleased with a Loophole in their game....

(A Glowing hand pushed the entire universe, the same way a player discards all the pawns to reset.)

All but one who opened her eyes as she was lying on a "Ground"

HELLO? Is anyone here? she Asked as she got up standing in a white void!

Hello. Sabaru of the Mara! said a young man in 3d glasses and Time displaced Clothing.

Wait?  I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE EIGHTIES LAD!

GUILTY AS CHARGED, BABE! WHICH IS WHY BOTH OF US ARE HERE!

AND WHERE IS HERE?

NOT SURE REALLY,! Limbo, Purgatory! My theory given that we Broke the rules of the game, We are in some kind of Discard Dimension, while they figure out what to do with us!

And how long will that take?

I Killed Rage 4 years ago, and the reason I call this place a discard dimension Is They used my body to incubate a new Rage in my image and I was sent here. So definitely not 4 years!

.....WE ARE NEVER GONNA SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN AREN'T WE?

-PROBABLY NOT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A FEELING YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE HOPE! I MEAN LOOK AT THE ALTERNATIVE? YOU'RE NOW HERE!

THE END.....FOR NOW!.....THE END OF THIS STORY.....THERE IS NEVER REALLY AN END.....BECAUSE.....YOU JUST ACCEPT.....THAT THINGS END.....BUT.....I WONT....END.....JUST......THESE STORYLINES....FOR NOW!

CREDITS 

The Three Tickets to Hell Event Comprising of the Films Contained in Anchor Bay's Comedy Collection was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 4 parts by Eamonn Bermingham. (@RealEnli on Twitter)

With Media from:

In Part 1-Stan Helsing

Stan Helsing

Saturday Night with Jonathan Ross

Phelous and Linkara Crossover the Airzone Solution,

Superman Returns

Ace Attorney

In part 2-Big Fat Important Movie

Big Fat Important Movie

Christine Teigen's Twitter Account.

Patton

The Simpsons

Part3 and 4-The Slammin' Salmon

The Slammin Salmon

Family Feud

Donkey Kong Country

Gravity Falls

Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 1: Sunlight Overdrive

One Punch Man

All Films Are Property of Anchor Bay Productions.

All Rights Reserved.

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE:

In one of the most slated films in Recent Memory, Will Ferrell Doesn't Play Sherlock Holmes, he Plays Will Ferrell Playing Sherlock Holmes! CONFUSED? WELL TOO BAD! HOLMES AND WATSON IS THE NEXT REVIEW IN JULY!

3 TICKETS TO HELL: WILD HUNGER PART 3: THE SLAMMIN' SALMON-PART 1

 Wild Hunger part 3: The Truth, in All it's Repugnant Glory!

(SABARU'S MONOLOGUE IN GOLD)

"There is a time in a person's life, where that person, realizes even if they had the best intentions, Someone Suffers!

And that's what HUMANITY Had done to Demons! You MADE US! WE ARE AS VALUABLE TO THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE, AS YOUR ART, YOU INVENTIONS, EVEN YOUR GODS!

BUT YOU BOUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES! SCRABBLING AROUND STILL, LIKE ROACHES IN THE DARK, EXCEPT, YOU NO LONGER FEAR THE DARK, YOU HAVE CONQUERED THE NIGHT, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE SEAS AND YOU HAVE DEVELOPED DISTRACTION AFTER DISTRACTION TO NUMB THE FEELING IN YOUR MINDS THAT NAGGING FEELING THAT YOU ARE NOT SAFE!

BECAUSE!

YOU ARE NOT SAFE!

YOU REALLY FELL FOR IT! I'M THE WOUNDED SNAKE, AND YOU ARE ALL THE NAIVE FARMER! I TOLD YOU ALL! MY KIND ARE MARA, THAT I FEED ON NIGHTMARES AND FEAR, AND YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME? BECAUSE I WAS BRINGING YOU HOPE?"

(Sabaru's TV feed flicked over to Images of Creatures, once familiar to our eyes, Now Twisted to Attack all around them, Giant Blobs of flesh, Amalgamated from crowds of People who were infected at the same time by the Despair Pathogen, Shot by the Galactic G-men's laser weapons only to find out that the weapons supplied by The Mara, were ineffective from the start. Gruesome Tentacles grabbed a Soldier Transforming under the Pathogen after losing Hope, the Victim was forced into a Open gash in the Kronenburg, and the Transforming Victim Became Flesh and Boils to match it's captor, What ever that man was, what hopes he had, what family he left behind, His past his future, Gone, his fate was sealed as a Skin Graft on the Ever expanding Blob!

The Screen Returned to Sabaru in a room held by Pillars, under a Glass dome, Eamonn stood Ashamed on what he Did!

YOU ALL FEEL FOR IT!.....This Idiot fell for it....

 She said as she walked behind a Pillar "ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED... 

(She emerged as Eamonn's Daughter)

AND YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE DO ANYTHING!

(She walked past another Pillar, turning into her Adult Form.)

BUT ENOUGH LIES! IT'S ONLY FAIR I SHOW MY CHILDREN WHAT MOMMY REALLY LOOKS LIKE. 

(Sabaru dropped the spell and started to Transform, Her Peachy Skintone, became that a gangrenous shade of blue, with Liverspots all over, Her nails turned black and pointed outwards into Long Talons, her sundress turned into a metal chasis that covered her modesty, though it was now rusted in places, like the hem of her Skirt. And Finally Her face Framed by Frail and Decaying long white hair, her Beautiful face was the Same, until Eamonn realized it was a Metal Mask , Held on the Head by 2 bolts on the Check Bones, And the One in the Forehead. The first 2 Bolts were Unfastening the Lower Jaw by the transformation. The Metal Jaw hung to one side as the Mara ripped it off fully, Her True Jaw, another Writhing mass of Tentacles.)

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.

We End our Grindhouse With Broken Lizard, the Comedy Troupe with only one critically good film under their name-And you've all read the title, This film is not Supa Troopers.

We Open on a blank screen For a boxing scene they can't afford, as an Announcer has Declared that Cleon "Slammin'" Salmon remains champion of the world With a Devastating Knockout Punch.

Years later, A graphic Morphs into a Yelp! Review of Salmon's Namesake Restaurant, Which if the over-use of Boxing Puns are anything to go by-The Food is okay, but the portions are Fucking huge!

We Open with a Rich Bell-end being rude to his date and Server. He tells the server, Rich to take back his Date's Sashimi and "Cook it Nice". When the Server tries to explain what Sashimi is, the Jerk interrupts and tells him he doesn't need advice from some loser who waits tables!

Oooooh! Big Mistake, Asshole! 

You may do that shit your Greasy Spoon Owner, or High school McDropOut, But this is a High-end Restaurant Meaning (And we covered this In my review Of Burnt) That Servers have to Have a great deal of Culinary Knowledge of the Menu.

So the Jerk throw some butter in Rich's face for good measure. Pissed Off, Chef Dave burns the Tuna and The Guido force feeds The Waiter and tells them to get them Swordfish instead!

To make matters worse the Server comes afoul of the Jobsworth Middle Management who doesn't believe what he's told despite witnesses. The Waiter wants to quit, but Carl tells Rich he doesn't have to tell him, he has to tell "The Champ". The Utterance of Mr Salmon's Name cause fear to all staff in the room. But Carl says he doesn't have the guts!

Doug loses his Courage when the corridor leading to Mr Salmon's office (The Late Michael Clarke Duncan) is laden with pictures of his many knockouts!

Back on the floor, Rich exclaims loudly to Carl he is no quitter, Only to trip over a shoelace, fall off a stairwell and breaks his legs!

It's a year later and through Perseverance, and Possibly a huge Lawsuit that cost Carl His job, Rich is now walking again and is now manager. We also have a new generation of Staff. Guy, a Playboy, Nuts, an Indian teacher who took a second job to make ends meet, Conner, a failed actor, Mia, a Playful And Flirty Ballerina (This scene is nothing but character establishment and Mia does Ballet stretches in her lingerie for no good reason!) and Tara, (Cobie Smulders) The....Girl!

We also have Donnie, Dave's Identical twin bro....Yeah its a green screen effect....A very cheap and shoddy one, even by 2009's standards!

Conner makes his entrance, and we get Plotlines: Guy hates Dave because of his anger issues, so he bullies Donnie for looking like Dave, Guy and Conner are best friends and Conner and Mia use to date!

Conner Got fired from his acting job for Sleeping with his Co-workers, So it eases the pain telling stories of his exploits, since noone believes he was on tv!

Soon A ring-Bell starts chiming and in with Bodyguards and Entourage is Cleon Salmon meeting his Public.

So we finally get to the Plot, Salmon has lost a bet to the Yazuka and Needs Funds to pay off the debt: The Restaurant must make 20 grand TONIGHT! Or everyone is dead! And if the Yazuka doesn't Kill Rich and Salmon, Salmon will kill the manager himself! 

So Rich Lies to his Staff that he and Mr Salmon are Running a Best Server competition For Nora Jones concert tickets he had bought for his wife in the Scene previously. 

So that's the plot! Given what antics will happen to the food and customers, This film should have being called Customer Service Myths: The Movie!

So Mia uses her Womanly wiles to get "Service" (HUR HUR HUR!) Conner Schmoozes Actors and Luvvies (With a cameo by Olivia "She can't Act as a Complex Character like Psylocke, But at least she can fill out a leotard" Munn!), Donnie breaks a plate and Conner hazes him with Blue lip staining liquor. The Bottle that Donnie is Serving on the dvd cover in fact all the Dishes are On the cover are Plot points!

The Actor Conner is serving, Spencer, wants to propose to Samara (Munn) by Hiding this VERY EXPENSIVE, AND CUSTOM MADE RING! in her Dessert. The plot points on the dvd short Conner holding a chocolate moose and Rich holding the brownies the ring was put in.

(Look up in the air!)

You know, the more I look at the joke, the More it looks like a Bric....

(THUNK!)

There even more to this, if a dessert is ever sent back, The Staff have a full Understanding to eat it!

FORESHADOWING!

Mia has a Hateful Make-out session with Conner, as Donnie asks Nuts why he has that Name, And while it may be a Shortened name, Donnie is lead to believe a story about Nudity, Peanut Butter and dipping his balls into food!

Everyone is having a great service, except Guy, who is serving a Scholar reading War and Peace, and after an Hour, orders "Hot Water with Lemon"

Rich Sees that Despite the Great Service, the Total take So far is two Grand, Service started at 6pm 30 minutes ago and the Yazuka want their 20 Stacks tonight at Midnight. So Rich calls a Spa In Florida that the Champ frequents, (Pretending to be Salmon ) and books His usual Suite. It's now 7:30 and To make bank, He wants staff to sell the fourth Plotpoint item a 100 dollar full Cod. With that, there is now an element of Backstabbing now.

Meanwhile Connor returns to Spencer and Samara's Table and Order of a Brownie is made. As he passes Mia Flirting with Customers, While not happy he does help her. He wants them to work together to win the Spa Break. But Rich thinking its a call back, Eats the Brownie and swallows the ring! Because fat people will eat anything because they're fat!

FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED

Meanwhile, Observing Nuts' and his emerging OCD, The Med Student Tara realizes Nuts has not taken his medication. Guy uses a Stud finder to detect that the ring is on a slow Bus Journey to Brown Logs Pass if you know what I Mean!

Tara, being a Med Student asks Nuts did he take his Meds he says he has But he has not factored for Daylight Savings (We Are not told Which!) but the premise is that the Dosage he takes (Which he did forget) will not be strong Enough, But Since Connor, Guy and Donnie have to help "Retrieve" the Ring, and there is still a competition at stake, Nuts Doesn't take his meds and takes over their tables.

ONLY GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

It's now 8:45, and Naturally Spencer wants to Know what's taking His Dessert so long, So Naturally The Soapstar is none too pleased to find out the Manager and the Dumb Fuck who ate a dessert bought and paid for with a 45 stacks Diamond inside is one and the same!

Donnie's constant drops and fuck ups means he's now drunk off the Blue Liquor. Something that pisses of the Already incendiary Dave, Causing a fight between the Actor and a stunt double in a Dubious Quality Wig. Conner in a Veiled message to Spencer that the "Souffles" will be ready in an Hour! 

Meanwhile Mia Is Flirting with every table and is feeling good about herself, that she actually does a dream sequence where she can actually do Some Ballet! However even I know, you can only do so much in Heels. The Sequence falls back into Reality when Guy Spills Microwaved Bisque onto her as she Arabesques into the kitchen!

Tara Performs First Aid on the Figuratively, Literally and Actually Red Faced Mia. Who despite First degree Burns, she still wants to win the contest.

Rich has more bad news coming his way, Not only, despite taking every Laxative known to man, The Diamond Ring is still taking the Grand tour of his colon, and stopping to take pictures, here comes Mr Salmon on a horse. He has a guest with him, a Japanese businessman who wants to Franchise his restaurant....into a Fish flavoured Candy bar!

You laugh, But here in Ireland, Denny's sells meat in supermarkets, not in a franchised restaurant!

With her Burnt face, Salmon tells Mia he wants " Other Girl" to serve him and his guests while Dave Struggles to kill a Swordfish Mr Salmon caught to feed his guests and Customers, as Rich bemoans that the Laxative is taking too long!

Salmon goes into the kitchen and Punches the Swordfish to death!

(Then Why didn't he do that to begin with? Oh right to remind the Viewer what happens to those who piss him off!)

Rich has the Numbers for the champ, It's 12 grand with 3 hours remaining. So Salmon gets his staff inside his office after learning the scam Rich is pulling, but instead adds to it, the losing server will be punched by Mr Salmon at the end of service!

Yes, Even the Women, if it comes to it! There is also a new prize 10 grand! (Yes, if you are reading this this Sentence, I see the problem, Too!) He lightly taps Guy with a Jab by accident and sends him into the wall, behind him. ("See? And I barely Touched him!) 

With Money and the Fear of Public Death as a  Motivator, The Staff begin to Sabotage and undercut each other to make 20 grand in 3 hours! They all use a table where a young couple are sitting and tell the Surrounding tables a different story to make sure "That Hero" gets a bottle of champagne on them- Only for the "Joke's" Punchline Being he's a John with a hooker, so when the restaurant applaud for him, he thinks he's being set up on a camera show and walks off, screaming he can't even get laid if he paid for it!

AND IT'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN!

It's a Two person race between Connor and Guy, with the women racing for third and Nuts dead last!

We have more Plot that's late to the party, as in comes Vivica A. Fox as the world famous popstar, Nutella!

DID..... DID THEY JUST NAME A CHARACTER PLAYED BY AN AFRICAN AMERICAN.... AFTER A CHOCOLATE SPREAD?

Find out how more stupid this film can get, 

NEXT WEEK,  ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!

3 TICKETS TO HELL: WILD HUNGER: PART 2- BIG FAT IMPORTANT MOVIE

Wild Hunger Part 2- Does the Lobster in the pot Fear the Dark He Knows, Or the Heat he Never meet?

Against his Suspicions, Eamonn Continued to be the Galactic G-man for Earth and the Public Face of Earth's Expectance of Supernational Co-existence. Meanwhile, Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, And as many Harmoniums could left their Service to the Mara without Sabaru Noticing, had created a resistance, they tried to contact Yusef and Oracle in Earth 3 and 2 respectively, but The laws were very clear after Heavenscar: No Dimension hopping! As for gathering Information, that fell flat! Sabaru's office was guarded at all times and her computer was Encrypted with the most advanced security. It only begged the question-WHAT WAS THE LAST OF THE MARA HIDING?

And that also Bugged Satan, what did she mean by "our" plan if she is indeed the last of her kind? A lie? No. ostrich knew her kind was ripped apart in the Cognitive war. a Single male? Then what was Eamonn?

Mara was in her office, her plan was reaching fruition, she had called the media of the world with a great announcement: The demons in the Cognitive realm have surrendered. Their Emissary will like to address their Surrender to the people of Earth and announce their Intent for Peace and Unity!

Expect there will be No Peace. Their was no Emissary, the Mass with One Eye that Sabaru was growing lovingly like a houseplant? Nothing more than her own kind and demons, there Bodies separated at an Atomic Level, only to be reformatted as a virus that feed on Despair. Or turned those who seen it's Image, Into Monstrous Creatures to Extend the Core's Feeding ground. There will be Unity-Only under Despair

(LATER THAT DAY!)

As expected the media of the world, bought into the idea of Peace with creatures from a higher plain of existance. So Sabaru After a Speech. Presented Eamonn and some Of her signees. Joe-jack with Ostrich possessing him was in the crowd. Knowing Sabaru was no Doubt scanning Thoughts for those of her enemies, Ostrich was only repeating one word to Eamonn.

"....BLINK...."

And them It happened, Sabaru clicked on a screen and in what was once a sterile white void was a monocular mass of rotting flesh and Pulsating tendrills the size of a planet, The Message was clear, Do know react to the sight, He blinked. Masses of people in crowds screamed. Their fates sealed. Their bodies Did not create a separate Monster. Instead, Crowds of people just became giant masses of fleshly slime like something out of the mind of David Kronenburg, Who under the stimulus the surrounding screams of shock and terror it's instantaneous appearance absorbed all those close who were showing fear and terror into its being, growing bigger with every being assimilated. 

Those watching at Home on Televisual Devices where Not save, as Even Newcasters Screamed turned their bodies into Tentacles that through magic and curses exteneded the Breeding Ground and turned anyone who reacted into massive Kronenburg or a Unique Monster called a Drone.

These Drones Acted like Predators, More Accurately, they acted like Sheepdogs, Chasing untransformed people unwittingly into the Kronenburgs' expanding Mass.

Eamonn Stood there. He couldn't scream.

It would not do him any good!

Sabaru has Won. Her Revenge on her kind's destruction was paid.

HUMANITY WAS NOW MONSTERS IN THE NIGHTMARE THE PLANET COULD NOT WAKE FROM!

AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

 Next in our Grindhouse Extravaganza is what may be our Delicious meat in our shit sandwich! A Christmas carol with a Twist. In fact the working title for this film was "An American Carol"-About a Certain Film maker who was acting the Scrooge and wanting abolish the fourth of July.

So our film begins on the day in Question in full swing in a Suburb somewhere in America. A Block party with Decorations, BBQ, Games, all you would expect. A grandpa (Leslie Nielsen) Serves his Grandchildren undercooked food and To spare his feelings, ask him to tell them a Story. So he tells them the Story of Scrooge, but it's not Christmas so he'll tell them the story of "The Other Scrooge" the one who hated the Fourth of July and was also haunted by Ghosts to repent his ways.

The Story Starts in Afghanistan where the Taliban , All named Mohammed and or Hussain (Just so you know, it's still an Anchor Bay production) Elects Shitty LaBeouf to be a Suicide Bomber on a Rickety Push-bike not realising he's being martyred.

The Leader, Aziz, Goes into town to protest when Shitty Dies before reaching the marketplace. But loses his men who want to vote. After all if the Immigration law gets passed, they will let in Mexicans to build Hospitals quickly.... that could blow them up sooner!

....

I RETRACT MY STATEMENT THAT THIS FILM  WOULD BE BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE!

The Taliban believe their Message is failing Because their Recruitment video is terrible. So they will film a new one with Hollywood level Cinematography, but no American would ever turn in his Country, Right?

Cut to Michael Moore....OH SORRY! MICHAEL MALONE ( Chris Farley) filming about the healthcare in  Cuba, helping 2 Yuppies get free treatment for Whiplash, while the Locals are made to queue and are shot at for not standing (a man in a Wheelchair is Shot to death) He gets on a Dinghy to get out of Dodge, but not before beating off any Immigrants and his own Guests from Boarding his boat.

Malone, Oblivious that his Movie Stinks, tells his Public that he will host a Peace Protest to Abolish the Fourth of July. He Runs the Boy scouts from his office for selling patches for Soldiers, but buys Girl Scout cookies, but they call him a piece of Shit, Neilsen is told by the Kids to modify his behaviour- though all the Talk about Suicide bombings must be good clean fun, Right?

The only people who follow Moore are stupid millennials. Playing the Freddie to Malone's Scrooge is a nephew called Josh who is a serving Navy man who wants his uncle to come to his Fourth of July party. Josh is also the Bob Cratchett of the piece, as he has a Son called Tim, who's "Not Doing so good". Josh is leaving for the Persian gulf so he want his remaining family to look after his son when he's gone!

I DON'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING!

So Josh leaves wishing a happy fourth of July which makes everyone including Michael, Uncomfortable! 

Michael meets his agent at a restaurant, who is Struggling to stand by his Client's Actions. It Doesn't help that the film he's making Documenting his Protest is called "Fascist America" ("See, What I like about you, Michael, is your Subtly!")

Just to remind you it was the 2000s that this faeces was Produced,  we have Paris Hilton and that Guy she use to Fuck at an Awards Ceremony, Giving out Best Documentary, Which Michael wins, But then Paris tells the Audience the Televised Awards will now be Presented.

There is truth in that, The Oscars have 100s of awards and not all of them are awarded onscreen. Most of them are non English, Niche or awarded to The Technical side of Filmmaking. Let's not forget that as bad as Suicide Squad was, it Did win an Oscar.... For Make-up!

Still I doubt, the Oscars given before the event are not Oscar shaped keychains like they gave Malone!

Malone in the Wings must watch in anger, Kevin Sorbo won best film for his Documentary, about the Klan, "Bad Man is Bad!" It doesn't help that Sorbo is Practically the Most Loved Man in the World!

THIS HAS NOT AGED WELL!

With Sorbo Practically Goading Someone to Film the Taliban, we know have the how and why!

Speaking of, the Taliban has Infiltrated the Awards Ceremony to Recruit Malone, But Malone wants to Give George Mulhooney (Sorbo) A Piece of his mind, But gets distracted because he wants to give any female Guest another piece of his Anatomy!

At home he learns his film has tanked, (compared to other Films that's are not Documentaries running against it!, But this is the Fucks News Entertainment show so I don't think Murdoch has ever let something trivial like the Truth to get in way of a story!) With his ego bruised, Malone takes the Job, though the Taliban will adhere to his Script.

That Night, Malone is Haunted by the Ghost of JFK, He has taken Umbrage with Malone calling him his hero yet doesn't know that JFK enlisted in the army. 

Kennedy finishes by telling Malone he will be visited by 3 Ghosts who will make him repent.

Michael wakes from his nightmare to lead a Student Rally with Leslie Nielsen at it again being the best part of this film (" Well at this Rally, it's where People Show How Little They Know, By Chanting the Same thing over And over")

Case in point, The Crowd just Parrots anything Malone says in the Cadence of a Chant, Ending by the Students chanting What does Nefarious mean?

When Malone tells the crowd to Stop Chanting, An Extra says.....Something that cause the Crowd to stampede into school. (Yeah, this film has being dire, even the Post-Production couldn't even write up A subtitle for what he said, even Subtitles can't pick up on his rushed Line Read.)

A Gloved hand helps up Malone. It's the Ghost of George S Patton (Kelsey Grammar), here to Whip Malone's Soul into shape. He had bought the Filmmaker to the Forties when a Student Rally was Protesting the Second World War.

Malone argues that Pacifism and Verbal Agreement can Solve Anything without Bloodshed. To That Argument, Patton shows Quote "That Chickenshit" Neville Chamberlain Brokering deals with Hitler. Hours before the ill Conceived "Peace In Our Time" Speech, But They Ruin it by having Chamberlain polish the Fuhrer's boots which he is playing the Guitar singing Kumbaya.

What I'm saying is not Everything has to end with a Joke, even in a Comedy is all.

Malone Argues that there has being no war, that didn't lead to more Suffering.

So Patton Sends Malone to an alternative time line. Where Slavery was never Abolished, And Malone is a Slave owner to all the Wayan Brothers.

Bingo! 

We have a bingo!

Wayan Brothers gave me Shit Film Bingo!

While I get what this film is trying to say, I have to agree with Michael. Yes, Abolishing Slavery was the right thing to do....but African Americans suffered for a century further before the Civil rights movement. A war for a good cause, but in the end, despite the biggest proponent of Peaceful protest being Assassinated, It was Pacifism that Solved that!

Does THIS Version of Michael Moore bring that up?

No. He asks Patton if the rumours about Lincoln being Gay were true!

Patton quelling the urge to Shoot Malone, Brings him back to Columbia University. Where he uses his magic to make the Political Science Lobby sing a Musical Number about them being Hypocrites. Nothing seems to be Reaching the Fat Incel and .....WAIT, WAIT WAIT! THE PROBLEM WAS IN PLAIN SIGHT!

Malone was Jilted as a young man and THAT'S WHY HE HATES AMERICA!

NOT FACTS!

NOT RESEARCH!

NOT THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING IN PLAIN SIGHT!

No.

Because a Girl Cucked him with a Soldier, He's gonna hate the things he stands for out of spite!

The Taliban tail Malone to an interview to Retrieve  Media passes so they can bomb the same news studio.

Every once in a while, This film would have a funny idea- like Radical Christians-But it's Ruined because of a parody of real life Nutcase Rosie O'Donnell and the Sequence ends with Fart jokes.

However Bill O'Reilly makes a Good Point. No-one Believes Rosie, But this version of Michael Moore is dangerous. Not because he tells the truth, but because he tells the crazies what they want to hear.

Malone is pulled into a Studio where the Taliban are Doing Rehearsals for the movie, but are turning it into a soap opera. All of Malone's Talking points for the film are shot down, as they all happen to be movie plots ("All the Great Anti-American Films they've being Done") 

That's when Patton Leads Michael and some soldiers into a Courthouse overrun by Zombies, but they are not Zombies.

THEY ARE THE ACLU.

OH GOD! OH SWEET NON-EXISTENT JESUS!

THIS FILM HURTS!

The ACLU Gives a Kickback to a Customs Officer to allow a Jihadi into the Country, only for Patton to kill him. But the plan to bomb MSG Will go undeterred. Tonight Mohammed and Ahmed, will join Aziz in becoming Martyrs- "But we will Be Dead" -So they need a Saviour perhaps they've had one the whole time-As the Bumbling Bombers stare at A poster for Malone's film.

Michael Stumbles into a random garden that turns out be Josh's Fourth of July party. There we see Tiny Tim, who is as lame as his namesake. They are Disappointed the Michael may not look after their lame son, but they reveal 9 more Dying Children who need their Millionaire uncle to Bankroll their Surgeries.

They teleport into a Real War, But even that doesn't move him. But then Michael is outside a Church. Malone enters to see General Patton praying for Forgiveness that nothing is working to Change Malone's ways.

That's when God Bring in a Ringer.

George Washington. (Played Straight with a lot of Conviction by Jon Voight)

In What is The Best Most Sincere Part of this film, Washington tells Malone that he is abusing the Freedoms his nation fought so hard for, He Mocks God even here in this Church, St Pauls. HIS Church. Which is covered in dust. 

Washington Tells us that dust comes from across the street.

As George opens the double doors and shows him a World of Smoke and Dust. This is ground zero of the World Trade Centre, Whose to say if the Dust covering him is just that, or an unfortunate passenger or an innocent bystander or A brave first responder who went in to sacrifice his life for what this country believed in. Malone Stammers that He Didn't Do this, America brought this on themselves. Washington shakes his head and tells him when The Day comes when he is Judged. Only the truth will do.

Malone Runs out, actually shaken and into a grave's liberty bell. Stumbling over he sees his own grave! He's in the future as An Angel of Death, a Cowboy Shows him his Future (Apparently, his name is Trace Adkins and he's a Country Singer)

The More Observant of you may have noticed the Confederate Flag Earpiece, Which this guy defended. So this Cowboy can ride into the Sunset and Shove his earpiece up his hole too! 

A Future where the Terrorist Won. And Under Shariah Law, all female extras are in Burkas. And Malone in Death is remembered as a Martyr. The Coroners only Confirm Malone is dead because the only part of his body that was not destroyed by the bombs, were his ass-checks!

WE GET IT MOVIE! MICHAEL MOORE IS FAT! CAN WE MOVE ON?

Malone wakes From his dream and it's the fourth of July. the Crowd is waiting on Malone to start the protest. He See Jimmy has already Brokered a terms of Surrender to the Taliban.

With Malone's Eyes Open He uses his Forum to Admit, that there is a Terrorist Threat, though it ends with being being labelled a traitor by his followers and Pelted with Garbage. I say "followers" because they seem very ready with that Garbage. 

Saved by MPs, Ahmed and Mohammed Tell Malone that the Stadium will be bombed by Aziz at 7pm.

HE HAS 3 MINUTES TO SAVE AMERICA!

So lets Finish this! Michael Uses his Acerbic Personality to Trick Aziz into revealing himself, Michael points out What Aziz is and MPs Track him down. Mohammed and Ahmed Find their leader, knock him out and Defuse a bomb while making Homoerotic Jokes. The bomb is defused, the day is saved, Malone is redeemed and as such wants to he's Sorry to Josh and his family. As Josh boards the ship, Malone inadvertently kills all 10 disabled children and Josh's wife (They're ok in the Next scene, or at least Tim is! It's just this film's Prevailing Air of Mean Spiritedness) Because in the next scene, the reformed Terrorists are Filming about JFK In the desert. With Malone and Tim as Directors.

THIS FILM SUCKS!

This film was created by David Zucker, Director of Airplane! and the Naked Gun Series

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

While I have to commend Kelsey Grammer and Jon Voight for Acting their asses off, this film is Just not in the same league of Satire those legendary film were!

This Film is just Vile!

Instead of presenting a Strong Argument Michael Moore, this film just makes fun of this weight for 80 minutes! Also this film from 2008 has aged like milk especially when it presents Kevin Sorbo and Trace Adkins as Good Guys! This film with it's offensive jokes, Shoelace cast (The Children being told the story are also used as Josh's children, but the most confusing was using the same actress that was Malone's Former Girlfriend was also his Assistant. It was only when she was called 2 different names I Copped on to what was happening!) and the ra-ra Mentality of "MURICA IZ DA BESTER! ALL DEMS OTHER COUNTRIES SUCK!", It's no wonder this film is long forgotten, except by anyone Unfortunate enough to watch this!

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOXOFFICE!

How much Disappointment can I endure Next Week as I finish the Grindhouse with Slammin' Salmon!