Perception is Reality, And the truth can be Stranger than Fiction.
Or at least More Stupid than anything Hollywood could make up on it's own.
Inspired by true events, A 3-decade game of tag Between a group of Men and the chaos it bought when one decided to marry.
I have to laugh at Jeremy Renner's face in this photo, Looking over at the 3 Yer Man from Different Sitcoms. While Jonn Hamm's smug face in the extreme Right says to me "Why yes, I am Slowly taking Kevin Bacon's Place of Working With Everyone!"
We Open In Flashback As Yer man from the office (No , Not Carrell and this film would be a lot worse if it was Fucking Gervais!) , Talking over a flashback of a game of tag and how it made him the man he is today....as he says these to a Human Resource Officer looking for a Janitor to work at Calahan Enterprises. The HR Man says Hold up, You are a working Vet with a PHD, Why would you want this job, Hogan bullshits him and the officer shrugs his shoulders, they need Janitors here.
THEY ALSO NEED BACKGROUND CHECKERS! As the next day, Hogan, Masked and Disguised Stalks Bob Calahan (Jonn Hamm) as He prepares to be interviewed for the Wall Street Journal, "Hoagie" reveals himself, and tags Bob Calahan after he tries to escape by throwing a chair at a perspex Window that Ricochets into his head. Hogan helps him up and tells Bob that "Jerry" is "Quitting this Season" like it's a professional Sport or something!
Dumbfounded, the Wall Street Journal reporter wants to know what's going on. So Hoagie Explains that for 30 Years, He, Bob, Jerry and 2 others have being playing the same game of Tag for 3 decades, And Every May Since Becoming Adults. And Even then one of the Group, Jenny has never being Tagged. Rebecca Crosby the Reporter asks them a smart Question "Why Not just go to his house?" to which Hogan Gives a ridiculous Answer. Jerry is Extremely Athletic, Has The rage of A serial Killer and is Somehow a Wizard, as Bob once saw him Enter a Phone Booth in a car park in the rain and he disappeared. But Jerry is getting Married, and plans to retire undefeated...Until they will arrive at the wedding and tag him while he's Distracted. Bob Tries to Raincheck Rebecca's Interview, But her Interest is Piqued, Prior to today she thought Bob Calahan was a Dullard Bean-counter in the Insurance Sector!
We Cut to a father and Son pair of Stoners. Sharing a bong and complaining about women and Divorce. When there is a knock on the Door. Standing there is Anna Hogan, Hogan's wife. (Isla Fisher). Chillie asks his father what month is it, When Roger remembers it's May, Chillie Escapes the Woman, who is now part of the game, Just not Officially, and is Violently Competitive, Something Chillie Complains about to Hoagie when caught in a gate, until he escapes through the apartment building ending up hurting himself trying to swing off An Air Conditioner like Tarzan.
And I'm Sure that's the Same Air Conditioner that Distracted Greg Kinnear Long enough for a Green Screen Bus to kill him!)
Give Yourselves A Point if you get that Reference!
(Here's A Clue, It's A film I reviewed Years Ago!)
Chillie is now it after Bob tags him they slap each other because Chillie is too old for this Shit, Until Hogan tells him that Jerry is retiring. Anna who can't play because of the Rules, crashes through bins with her minivan to tell them, she knows where "Sable" is, but they have to get to the airport.
In a Psychologist's office in Portland, We meet Hannibal Burgess' Character of Paranoid Husband, Sable.
They nicknamed the only Black character "Sable"
So a paranoid man in a game of tag, this will end well!
So United , with his wife and A Wall Street Journal reporter in tow, the four return to Hogan Mallory's Childhood home. Where Chillie is flirted with by Hoagie's mother. They plan to tag Jerry before the Nuptials because
- Tagging him at the wedding will make them look like jerks.
- The wedding is held on May the 31st the deadline day
We cut to the Sandpiper bar, and Lou had cut a deal with Jerry: he keeps schtum and next year he joins the game, But they use the wall Street journal Angle (with the bait being Publicity) so he breaks the location, a local lodge. Ann pranks Jerry into thinking the reception us cancelled and to collect his cheque. The 4 ambush Jerry (Jeremy Renner), who takes this game of tag seriously, to the point we see him Dodge, pants Sable and repeatedly Speedbag Nutpunch the other middle aged men in John Woo Style Bullet Time!
After Smashing through a first storey winding and flipping onto the Road. Jerry taunts them about how officially they are not invited to the wedding because he knew it would come to this.
Susan (Lauren Bibb) is a Suspicious women, who believes her Families bad Fortunes stem from each women having terrible weddings, even calling it a curse.
Or "Idiots" as they are commonly called!
So Susan Has Dropped a Bomb, A contract written into the Rulebook: No tag on any official wedding event or they will be arrested for trespass.
Back at the bar, Rebecca goes through the tattered refill pad of the boy's Amended Rules of Tag for a loophole, Rebecca asks why play a Game that has being amended to the point it's now Consented Assault. But Lou and Hoagie give her the Way Of Life Excuse. Chillie just wants to tag Jerry at his House but Sable says it's too obvious. But they Ignore Hannibal's Character anyway, giving me every excuse to finally use this!
So the friends and Rebecca break into Jerry's house and finds a note taunting them, Sable after he's pulled out of a dog door finds Jerry has took tag to Ridiculous levels. Chloroform, Disguises, Aerial Maps of the city, Supplements and Books on Yoga, Pilates and Parkour, Anything to never lose a 30 year game of tag!
In Each Room a TV turns on And plays a recorded message for Hogan, as revenge, Jerry is at Linda's house and as a sign of Dominance, He's about to perform the Ultimate Dick Move
Masturbating in a man's childhood Bed!
Racing Back, they enter The old room and find...
Noone.
But Hogan's bear is gone, as it appeared in Jerry's video
Turns out Jerry Stole Hogan's bear and that's it because he had Built and I quote, He built, AND I QUOTE "A Replica of Hogan's Childhood Bedroom in my (Jerry's) basement!"
There's Preparedness, there's having a Contingency plan or two, there's being STRAPPED IN! But this is God levels of Pragmatism.
Jerry is picking up his suit from the mall, when we learn what he actually does, he owns a gym franchise and a Supplements company. Hogan who let Sable tag him, who still thinks he's a master of Disguise, Pretends to be an old woman with a walker that drops her purse, but I'm Certain Jerry puts under the table illicit Shit in his products, because he is now part of the Matrix and whoops Hogan's ass!
Oh and he's Spokane's most Prolific Businessman so the police will Vouch on his Character, and no doubt that has nothing to do with the donations and free training he has supplied the pigs for years! So Jerry has seemingly unlocked the Cheat code on Life and Toggled his Luck Stat to 100.
We Cut to the Rehearsal Dinner at a golf club with every single intention to tag Jerry after, But they forget one thing: Susan. She's playing peacemaker, she suggests that the guys play golf to let off that steam. But Chillie is so paranoid he thinks the entire party is fake. And after Hogan's Ordeal in the mall, Chillie is right to think that Jerry had the entire Town in Pocket.
Chillie's kush driven Delusion is proved right when His and Bob's ex turns up! This is Jerry's plan to sow Discord In the group, All it does is reveal that Anna had kept Hogan out of trouble playing tag (Some-What!) By being into Roleplay and Public Sex!
Chillie goes up to the bar to speak to Cheryl (Rashida Jones) and almost fist bumps the air and breaks into song when she reveals her husband is dead, But it's Bob who takes the bait and drives Cheryl home, So he's out of position come 5pm when the party is over, Ruining many a game of golf in a cart chase ending with them crashing, and then waking up in a forest, sometime in the early Evening.
Sable, Hogan and Chillie find Jerry who has hired body doubles, and availing of The Surrounding Trees and Dim lighting, Confuses the fuck out of the 3 eejits who have spent 4 hours drinking free booze. And it gets ridiculous, as Jerry has set up Booby Traps as Chillie is struck by a swinging log.
Because of course, the Golf Club is going to let him put Booby Traps in a Forest that is part of their Private Property, without people knowing (!)
At first we thought we were seeing a trip. But it's real. As is the net that catches Hogan and the vine that wraps Sable onto a tree trunk so Jerry can chloroform him.
When he comes to he's In a taxi with the others, Anna and Rebecca who asks another brilliant question. If the only time you see Jerry is for this game he takes too seriously, does he still consider them his friends. The Question stings and causes a degree of Silence.
Back at the Sandpiper, they find Bob who makes up a fake excuse. But he has an idea-Granite Fitness-If he's at his own company, He'll be a sitting Duck just like Bob was! Or at least someone will know where he stays. Chillie uses the excuse of being hit by a flying treetrunk in the chest to stay behind, but it's because Cheryl is still here!
At Granite Fitness, An Employee taunts the men in a Homoerotic Fashion. So they have an idea
A GOOD OLD FASHIONED...WATERBOARDING!
....But the boys chicken out, except ANNA WAS FUCKING JOKING!
But the employee sells out Jerry for 200 dollars, 50 more than Bob was Offering, and that was after he add 50 twice to his original Offer!
Turns out Jerry is not the complete package, he's An Alcoholic and will be Attending an AA meeting in the morning at Church.
Returning to the Sandpiper to fetch Chillie, Bob sees him with Cheryl and they start fighting over her. Until Cheryl Screams at them, That Yes, She was paid by Jerry to Stir things up, But Godammit, it was not worth it to be part of this shit once again. She tells them to Jerry once and for all because he deserves to be taking down already.
We Cut to the Church the next morning, as the taggers block every exit. As Jerry is about to speak he spies Chillie's reflection in his Flask and Disarms him, Hogan and Bob with the contents of a free snack Bar. Sable is Guarding the front door, and Jerry climbs conveniently ascending stacks of Plastic chairs, smashes the Window and sees 100s of Mousetraps on the church lawn. So he has no choice but to dive into the catering area, pull down the Shutters and wait it out for 5 hours til the Wedding. This leads to...
WELL YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT USING TRAUMA IN COMEDY SO I Won't sugar coat it.
Susan arrives in Pajamas and curlers giving out about how the game of tag and the wedding is stressing her out...Until she Doubles over clutching her stomach. Jerry Comes out and is pissed at everyone for even thinking of tagging him while his wife is in pain.
Driving back the Boys are Reeling that they make have lead to Poor Susan having a Early Pregnancy or Worse. But Anna is looking at Susan's Bridesmaid's Insta and it's all vapid shots about her dress. One friend request later and it's Proven
THEY FAKED A MISCARRIAGE TO ESCAPE A GAME OF TAG!
Let's Just end this!
The taggers arrive and Susan gloats that the miscarriage was her Plan. Furious, the guys now break the rules, because of what Jerry Did. Overhearing a Animal Handler not knowing her cue to release her Doves, Hogan runs up as Jerry is distracted by the doves and tags him as the crowd cheers...ONLY IT'S A DAYDREAM....What really Happens is Hoagie's screaming like a lunatic and scares off the Doves and knocks himself and the Preacher out.
Jerry laughs it off, but we Smash cut to a hospital, where Hogan has not woken up. Chillie, paranoid as ever, thinks this is A trap by Jerry also, until the Doctor slaps him one. Cheryl arrives and Bob concedes, and lets Chillie talk to her. Hogan comes to and he tells the boys some shocking news: He has Cancer and it looks like it may be terminal, So he lied about Jerry leaving the game, as incentive to have the best game ever. So Jerry lets Hogan tag him and in the last 5 minutes before June Starts, Amends the Rules so Anna can play, which they quickly Regret, Rebecca is also tagged in and so the film ends with Them tagging the Hospital corridor, even Hoagie, strapped up to A blood Diffusion Device is still playing. And we end with the Home Footage of the real Taggers of Spokane Washington and indeed, they did make it to the front page of the wall street Journal.
Despite the Miscarriage Scene, this Film Doesn't suck, but having that in, will effect your enjoyment!
Up to that point, I was enjoying the film, ridiculous premise and outlandish antics notwithstanding, it's just...you can't have a character fake a miscarriage and not have karma in anyway. You just can't do that! I'm sorry but if you can get over that and the bittersweet Ending, you may enjoy it. I couldn't!
CREDITS
Tag was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham @Realenli on Twitter.
With clips from:
TAG
Wonder Showzen
The Eric Andre Show
"When the Cookout has no Cheese" From Garbage Man's Youtube channel.
Tag is Property of New line Cinema and is Distributed by Warner Bros.
All Rights Reserved, all Media used Belong to their Respective owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A FANBASE DOES A BETTER JOB CASTING A MOVIE FOR A VIDEO GAME....AND GETS IGNORED COMPLETELY?
YOU GET 5 FOOT NOTHING ANDREW GARFIELD PAYING GROWN ASS MAN NATHAN DRAKE IN UNCHARTED!
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