(THIS MONTH'S THEME-another knock against this film is it's terrible soundtrack, anything soundtrack that has Flashdance, Ironic and some drug-dealer crowbarring shitty lyrics onto bananarama, of all bands, deserve my disdain-so because this film is about people who never used google-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoqQnR8NOVI
Someone once said that we live in an age of miracles and wonders.
We live in a world where technology has shaped the world in the last 30 years. What was science fiction of past generations, is now reality. Communication with the world now takes minutes, crops can never be out of season, and medical science is winning our species' war with cancer.
But with all advances, there are some the last generations that get left behind- or at least that is the premise of this film using actors in their 40s, in this fish out of water buddy movie., the Internship.
We are.. Not at a very good start, we open on Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson) driving, loudly and nasally singing Alanis Morrisette's Ironic.
Thanks, I now Hate This song Even more!
Billy and Nick are jewelry salesmen and they try to sell watches to a client, there is one problem, their company has went into liquidation and they didn't know because they don't have email!
So these guys have being selling watches without a single paycheck? OK, I know from experience that salespeople only get paid when their stock is cleared, but surely they have travel expenses and petty cash?
So having the embarrassment of having the client pay for their dinner, their boss, Sam (john Goodman) tells them that the technology of today has made watches obsolete, and tells them they are fired. After the gold watch treatment, we get a back story...oh, never mind, it's just a plot from EVERY OWEN WILSON AND VINCE VAUGHN FILM EVER MADE, EVER!
blah blah blah, pair of slackers. BLAH BLAH BLAH Wilson Can't keep it in his trousers! BLAH BLAH BLAH Vaughn has a big Mouth BLAH BLAH BLAH Crazy Scheme BLAH BLAH BLAH CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK!
BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!
So Billy convinces Nick to join him getting an internship at Google, Nick is tentative, but it beats working at his sleazy Brother in Law's (Will Ferrell) Mattress Shop.
Using a Library Computer to get a job interview (I've being down that road before, nothing is more annoying than some prick too cheap to go to an internet caff, playing his/her music at full blast!) Nick and Billy get internships by bribing children and lying on their resumes
OUR HEROES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
So out of not getting sued by age diversity pressure groups and nothing else, the 2 salesmen get Internships, And after found footage of trams and Alcatraz to tell us we are in SanFran, our boys arrive in Google HQ. This makes Billy act like a dick in Google's Free Employee Coffee Shop, While Nick chats up a women , (Rose Byrne)which the audience knows is one of HR over This program
OFF COURSE SHE FUCKING IS!
Having the entire room of Genius College Kids, their presence makes them look at our heroes like outcasts, Making one British Guy become their enemy of this film, not because Brits Are Evil, but because Billy and Nick are the 1st yanks who Pronounced his name as "GRAM" AND NOT "GREY-M"! Having their seminar with Roger Charti- head of Google HR, reminds us of the one fatal flaw in their boys plan: they don't have email!
1 seminar in and the boys fail miserably, that night they plan on convincing the other to team, but become part of a team of Misfits.
And People say Nerds have no social prejudice?
So Mentored by Google P.R. Lyle, a Whigger, we also meet Mama's Boy YoYo Stand-offish Prodigy Stewart and Token Latino Ava, who will also be the Jailbeat in the inevitable Vaughn and Wilson Wild Party Scene. Evil Brit GrahamNotGRAM! Cherrypicks the best students for his team.
So instead of listening to a seminar on Assignment on making Google Translate better (which is why it sucks!), Billy finds out Lyle has a crush on a dance teacher who works on google. Nick chats up the HR Woman and breaks out his "'Allo Gov'nur", only for the woman to reveal she's Australian!
BOOM!
DO YOU NEED SOME VASELINE? FOR THAT BURN?
1st assignment, to rectify 200 lines of code that has a bug. It's become clear that they know nothing, mixing up the word "bug"...with the word "password". The other team members get so pissed off by the 2 bozos harping on about the human factor then they say...get this!... that they should ask the programmer himself, so the team tells them that "Charles Xavier" wrote the program, ending with the two
Goms getting a punch to the knob each from a wheelchair bound man!
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER:2
At Lunch, Team SayMyNameRightOrI'llHoldAGrudgeBecauseOfIt win the first challenge and continue to brag about winning at sports day. Billy brags about being sporty...Until it's revealed to be Quidditch! It's a filler scene, so here's the short version, team GrahamNotGRAM! Are winning Billy uses flash dance as a motivational speech, Team Lyle nearly win but GrahamNotGram has a evil gambit resulting in...
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 5
Nick tries asking Dana out again, but this time she's almost insulted that Nick is implying that Google is talking prominence over her personal life. Roger is not impressed by Billy Eating the Free Cafe Out of it's stock.
It's the night of the App Challenge: After the tedious "on-the-line" "joke" that made the trailer for his film, The salesmen call out the teams cynical view of the world leading us to-YOU GUESSED IT! THE WILSON/VAUGHN FILM WILD PARTY SCENE!
Turns out the dancer that Lyle has a crush on turns out to be a "DANCER" Here at the club. Billy's advice is to talk to the working stripper who just bolted when she saw people who recognised her. By the Way, Billy is Drunk, so this wouldn't have being the best advice!
So Despite that Brainfart, Lyle and Martina hit it off very well, I'm just waiting for the bit that bites them all in the ass!
...Until they get into a barfight with your stereotypical Jackass-The Film spares me from making the joke that the Guy Looks like Biff Tannen, With YoYo screaming "Don't mess with Google Interns, Bitch!" as they are carried out
BINGO! THAT'LL DO IT!
....Turns out that getting drunk has giving them the perfect idea: A security lock that stops DrunkDialing by asking Math questions! Despite only a minor case of the assbites, The DrunkDialing App outsells GrahamNotGRAM'S app by 300 sales, the team goes from strength to strength coming out of their shells as the boys finally get e-mail accounts, and Nick has a hot date with Dana!
Come on film!
Too much success, not enough drama, can you at least do something With Graham that's more evil than antagonising his fat teammate?
....Seemingly hearing my wishes, Graham,NOTGRAM! tells Billy that he knows about the lies, but rather see that Roger kick him and Nick out, he lets Billy Marinate in Self Doubt.
The Next Challenge is Manning the Google Hotline, the guys tell Billy that he cannot bullshit like he use to do selling watches on this one!
Dana falls for nick over dinner, thus clouding her judgment in a few weeks when the jobs are being announced!
Billy is struggling until Tom Gadi (who i thought when writing this 1st draft was Jack Osbourne!) appears and helps him, reminding him that he has a way, with people-a "lost art"
With that advice, Billy uses his personailty as a salesman and what he learned into a winning formula, whilst Graham just drones on with his Cieri Voice. Only for Billy Not to have pressed record. He had let Graham get in his head and he sabotaged himself like he always did, Causing Bill to quit team Lyle to rejoin Sam in a shady Motor-scooter scheme...And It could have come at a worse time as the challenge is a sales pitch, so instead of the logical answer of Nick staying behind to help the team, The other salesman ditches the team with no life experience to get the slightly better salesman back!
Turns out the Shady Motor-Scooter scheme is just that... Rent scooters to very aged, wait for them to die, make the family cough up money to remove a scooter they don't need, give it a tune up and sell rarely used motor-scooters...with all the granny-banging that would make Harry Styles Blush! But Nick has arrived and saved him like Billy saved him earlier-And he returns to make a winning sales pitch.
So Let's Finish This!
Team Lyle has failed to return but as soon as Roger goes to announce the winner, Google gets hacked by a rick roll of What a Feeling and a cartoon of Team Lyle who arrive with pizza from the pizzeria they convinced in the sales pitch, Roger recalulates the scores, since the announcement was being made at the end of work hours anyway, Meaning Team Lyle has won the internship, GrahamNOTGRAM! protests that Billy and Nick are Cons, only for Tom Gadi to reveal his character to be the Google America Majority shareholder, thus having final say, and it wouldn't be a Vaughn/Wilson Film if the evil prick didn't close his final scene with an "amusing" Injury
GROIN ATTACK COUNTER: 6
Dana kisses Nick, Yoyo stands up to his mother, Lyle Pulls Martina, Stewart pulls Eva and so the film ends with Nick and Billy gifting each other with Champagne.
GIVE IT UP BOYS, YOU'RE TOO OLD, AND YET, NOT OLD ENOUGH!
OK,obvivous bug-bear, Vaughn and Wilson are young enough to be apart of the original Internet Wave in the 90's and whildt this film would have worked with older actors-Billy Crystal and Kurtwood Smith as a deadpan, "It woluld loose the plot-advancing wild party scene. But at 40, the trademark of the duo is becoming less believeable, and are both 1 grey hair away from Annoying Talking Animal duty in the next disney film. Also Annoying is the reason why Graham is your villain -in a competition against 1000s only 1 guy singles you out-because you where the 1st yanks to mispronounce Graham? If i got angry with every non-Irish that mispronunanced my name, my garden would look like 10 Remington Place! Just Sayin'! Also you can't overlook the fact that this film is nothing more than a advertisement for Google!
In the End, The Internship, This film made me smile a few times. Not a Complete Loss, Still a Loss, Though!
CREDITS
The Internship was reviewed, compiled and Edited by EamonnNOTARMOND! Bermingham
With Music
Communication Breakdown by Led Zeppelin
The Internship was Produced by 20th century fox. All rights reserved.
All clips belong to their respective owners
Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli
NEXT MONTH: REPLACE ROCK WITH THE VOICE OF MATER, AND REPLACE JULIE ANDREWS WITH A CHILD, AND EXPECT THE SAME FILM? YOU HAVE YOUR SHITE!
NEXT MONTH WE REVIEW TOOTH FAIRY 2!
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
episode 90: Eamonn Reviews the Marine 3
(This months theme, this song sums up the IWC'S Feelings about the Miz nicely!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
(We open on a battlefield outside of Casa Di Culchie Joe-Jack and 80's Lad are holed up in a trench as tentacled, giant aliens are blasting the Irish countryside with lazers)
DUUUDDDE!, how are we holding up?
Not very well at all. If only Eamonn would arrive!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(Eamonn stood there, untouched by battle, holding a brown takeaway bag)
AH, DERE YA IS! IT'S May, so we started with out you!
-Start what?
-Da final chapter ov da storyline.
-But we abandoned the storyline!
WHAT?
WHAT?
(ALIEN GIBBERISH THAT TRANSLATES INTO "WHAT?")
Yeah, reaching 100 is and has been an event in itself, so we don't have a big finale this year. Sorry!
Oh. Well this is awkward! OK Squid-Dudes. You heard the guy, go home to your own dimension.
Ya gud war everyone! Sorry for throwing ammonia on your queen t'make ye boyz fight us!
BY THE SEAS OF OUR ANCESTORS, WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!
-OH YA! OI LIOKE T'SEE YA TRY!
(AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)
Up to this point, I kept bogger box office and enlightened towers separate. Admit it, you never heard of it.
So most of you have never heard of Mike "The Miz" Mizainin, Or GOBSHITE FROM MTV as I call him!
In 2004, the MTV Muppet was announced as a contestant on on million dollar tough enough-YES his induction into wrestling wasn't blood line, or passion, but the need to embezzle TAX FREE money from the wwe.
Miz's career has been torturous to watch, seeing this chimp-faced moron struggle to clothesline properly, and some how winning titles.
So with all things Sharp and Poisonous removed from my house, and the laces gone from my shoes so I don't hang myself, this is Marine 3: Homefront.
Okay, DVD Player on, Support British Film Industry Ad, Anti-Piracy Ad and Fox's Own Studio Ident and Blue-Ray ad straight to the main menu which is a static screenshot of American flag and no Music or Logo to tell what the film is.
Well, this film has set the bar low!
I haven't had this low expectations since we reviewed Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia!
We open to the small town of Bridgeton in the State of Washington as Miz supplies the Narrative.
"19 years old, I decided to do something with my Life!"
...."Instead i went and made a mockery of the sport I claim to love!"
"At first i started working on the Lumber mill."
"That is until that Sheriff Vaughn Killed that Casino Manager!"
"So I enlisted in the Marine Corps."
10 years and a montage of Found Footage later, Jake Carter (MIZ) returns home. His Friend Hark is now a cop and after some gentle Ribbing, he brings Jake back home in the outskirts of town. There was some attempt of exposition, but the sound of the car motor made it hard to listen to-but i got the gist of it!-One of Jake's Sisters is called Lily, she's looking for a job, despite being a wild child and she has either told someone called Christie Or "Crestly" to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!"-For some Reason!
And we Cut to this reported Wild-Child...baking Apple Pie and Cookies!
BAKED CONFECTIONS!
(TAKES OF SHIRT LIKE MUSCLE MAN AND SWINGS IT!)
WOOOOOOOOOO!
She and her other sister, Amanda have made a barbeque, turns out they have being struggling financially and Crestly is a big Deal in this town.
We cut to Seattle as ideological bank robbers burn an entire vaults worth of cash!
But nevermind anything that resembles an action Film, lets go back to the soap opera as Jake meets Lily's boyfriend a drug-dealer called Daryll, played by Not-Shia-LaBouef!
We cut back to the bankrobbers, in their dock hideout, their leader Thaddeus Pope, is told that the summit is moved to tomorrow. Later that night One of robbers starts a fight with Jake's friend, and the Marine knocks his ass out! to the disgust of everyone, especially Lily who was drinking at the bar.
So Jake is arrested, but Hark pulls a few strings to get Jake of the hook, but Naturally berates the Marine not to put the law into his own hands-DESPITE THAT'S THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS FRANCHISE! Next day Lily and Guido McWeasel are having beers in a junkyard in the same yard, the bankrobbers deal with a greedy Arms dealer. Screaming after seeing Pope off the dealer, Lily and Daryll are kidnapped.
and WELCOME EVERYONE! TO TEN-A-PENNY ACTION THEATRE!
SOblah-blah, My Sister got kidnapped ,blah-blah, It wasn't her fault, blah-blah, I'm gonna make these guys pay-BLAH BLAH, FUCKING BLAH!
Armed with a Pump action, Jake rescues Daryll and then overpowers two goons with a hip toss (when was the last time you saw Miz doing a hip Toss...PROPERLY?) The FBI become involved.In the docks, popes men are dressed as cops with convincing fake police car. Pope nearly kills his Lancer because of his own Paranoia, he then sits himself Down to brainwash Lily about his twisted world view.
FORESHADOWING!
Lily gets' rescued by a fed, as the rest of them surround the docks. An agitated Jake gets rearrested, Daryl and Lily are reunited, But the FBI are getting slaughtered by the robbers superior firepower.
In a clearing, Hark lets Jake go, returning his pistol. Clearly 40 federal agents with Howitzers and Bullet proof vests are no match for 1 man with a pistol 1 round of bullets in Street clothes. Back on the docks, The agent that rescued the couple is killed, Lily is re-kidnapped but Daryll holds his own.
With Lily recaptured, Pope seemingly surrenders but not the feds, to the state police-but remember, his gang had fake state police uniforms and a fake police car! after offing the policeman and switching the plates, Jake is going Time Crisis on the gang's asses, ducking and shooting every mook in his path.
Jake finds Daryll. Lily overhears Popes plan to blow up HSNB-I MEAN GENERIC NAME FINANCE COMPANY In Seattle. Jake makes his presence known but is attacked with a crowbar, Pope, His Lancer, and Lily are put in the cop-car and are Driving with a Bomb to Seattle.
So lets finish this!
Jake Begrudgingly accepts Daryl, we have a car chase, Pope arms the Bomb, Lancer dies, Pope dies with little hype whatsoever, Jake drives the bomb into the Lumbermill in Bridgeton, therefore making it dramatic/ten times worse. and so everyone celebrate this tramatic event that bought them Closer together!
THIS FILM IS SO GENERIC, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ORIGINAL IDEAS TO MAKE IT SUCK!
Like anything involving Miz, I had low expectations and was still disappointed. Generic script, General action plot, the thing looks like it being shot on a shoestring and it shows: No-one actors and Found Footage.
My advice?
Read or watch the films that i reviewed previously, they mostly suck, but at least they are memborable!
CREDITS
Marine 3: Homefront was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With music by:
3 DAYS GRACE: I Hate Everything About You
Marine 3 was produced by WWE Films and distributed by 20th Century Fox. All Clips belong to their respected Owners. All rights reserved.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @RealEnli
NEXT MONTH: EPISODE 91: VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON SHOW THEIR AGE, BUT HAVE THE SLACKERS MATURED WITH AGE, OR GOT OLD DISGRACEFULLY? FIND OUT AS WE REVIEW, THE INTERNSHIP!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
(We open on a battlefield outside of Casa Di Culchie Joe-Jack and 80's Lad are holed up in a trench as tentacled, giant aliens are blasting the Irish countryside with lazers)
DUUUDDDE!, how are we holding up?
Not very well at all. If only Eamonn would arrive!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(Eamonn stood there, untouched by battle, holding a brown takeaway bag)
AH, DERE YA IS! IT'S May, so we started with out you!
-Start what?
-Da final chapter ov da storyline.
-But we abandoned the storyline!
WHAT?
WHAT?
(ALIEN GIBBERISH THAT TRANSLATES INTO "WHAT?")
Yeah, reaching 100 is and has been an event in itself, so we don't have a big finale this year. Sorry!
Oh. Well this is awkward! OK Squid-Dudes. You heard the guy, go home to your own dimension.
Ya gud war everyone! Sorry for throwing ammonia on your queen t'make ye boyz fight us!
BY THE SEAS OF OUR ANCESTORS, WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!
-OH YA! OI LIOKE T'SEE YA TRY!
(AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)
Up to this point, I kept bogger box office and enlightened towers separate. Admit it, you never heard of it.
So most of you have never heard of Mike "The Miz" Mizainin, Or GOBSHITE FROM MTV as I call him!
In 2004, the MTV Muppet was announced as a contestant on on million dollar tough enough-YES his induction into wrestling wasn't blood line, or passion, but the need to embezzle TAX FREE money from the wwe.
Miz's career has been torturous to watch, seeing this chimp-faced moron struggle to clothesline properly, and some how winning titles.
So with all things Sharp and Poisonous removed from my house, and the laces gone from my shoes so I don't hang myself, this is Marine 3: Homefront.
Okay, DVD Player on, Support British Film Industry Ad, Anti-Piracy Ad and Fox's Own Studio Ident and Blue-Ray ad straight to the main menu which is a static screenshot of American flag and no Music or Logo to tell what the film is.
Well, this film has set the bar low!
I haven't had this low expectations since we reviewed Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia!
We open to the small town of Bridgeton in the State of Washington as Miz supplies the Narrative.
"19 years old, I decided to do something with my Life!"
...."Instead i went and made a mockery of the sport I claim to love!"
"At first i started working on the Lumber mill."
"That is until that Sheriff Vaughn Killed that Casino Manager!"
"So I enlisted in the Marine Corps."
10 years and a montage of Found Footage later, Jake Carter (MIZ) returns home. His Friend Hark is now a cop and after some gentle Ribbing, he brings Jake back home in the outskirts of town. There was some attempt of exposition, but the sound of the car motor made it hard to listen to-but i got the gist of it!-One of Jake's Sisters is called Lily, she's looking for a job, despite being a wild child and she has either told someone called Christie Or "Crestly" to "GO FUCK HIMSELF!"-For some Reason!
And we Cut to this reported Wild-Child...baking Apple Pie and Cookies!
BAKED CONFECTIONS!
(TAKES OF SHIRT LIKE MUSCLE MAN AND SWINGS IT!)
WOOOOOOOOOO!
She and her other sister, Amanda have made a barbeque, turns out they have being struggling financially and Crestly is a big Deal in this town.
We cut to Seattle as ideological bank robbers burn an entire vaults worth of cash!
But nevermind anything that resembles an action Film, lets go back to the soap opera as Jake meets Lily's boyfriend a drug-dealer called Daryll, played by Not-Shia-LaBouef!
We cut back to the bankrobbers, in their dock hideout, their leader Thaddeus Pope, is told that the summit is moved to tomorrow. Later that night One of robbers starts a fight with Jake's friend, and the Marine knocks his ass out! to the disgust of everyone, especially Lily who was drinking at the bar.
So Jake is arrested, but Hark pulls a few strings to get Jake of the hook, but Naturally berates the Marine not to put the law into his own hands-DESPITE THAT'S THE WHOLE PREMISE OF THIS FRANCHISE! Next day Lily and Guido McWeasel are having beers in a junkyard in the same yard, the bankrobbers deal with a greedy Arms dealer. Screaming after seeing Pope off the dealer, Lily and Daryll are kidnapped.
and WELCOME EVERYONE! TO TEN-A-PENNY ACTION THEATRE!
SOblah-blah, My Sister got kidnapped ,blah-blah, It wasn't her fault, blah-blah, I'm gonna make these guys pay-BLAH BLAH, FUCKING BLAH!
Armed with a Pump action, Jake rescues Daryll and then overpowers two goons with a hip toss (when was the last time you saw Miz doing a hip Toss...PROPERLY?) The FBI become involved.In the docks, popes men are dressed as cops with convincing fake police car. Pope nearly kills his Lancer because of his own Paranoia, he then sits himself Down to brainwash Lily about his twisted world view.
FORESHADOWING!
Lily gets' rescued by a fed, as the rest of them surround the docks. An agitated Jake gets rearrested, Daryl and Lily are reunited, But the FBI are getting slaughtered by the robbers superior firepower.
In a clearing, Hark lets Jake go, returning his pistol. Clearly 40 federal agents with Howitzers and Bullet proof vests are no match for 1 man with a pistol 1 round of bullets in Street clothes. Back on the docks, The agent that rescued the couple is killed, Lily is re-kidnapped but Daryll holds his own.
With Lily recaptured, Pope seemingly surrenders but not the feds, to the state police-but remember, his gang had fake state police uniforms and a fake police car! after offing the policeman and switching the plates, Jake is going Time Crisis on the gang's asses, ducking and shooting every mook in his path.
Jake finds Daryll. Lily overhears Popes plan to blow up HSNB-I MEAN GENERIC NAME FINANCE COMPANY In Seattle. Jake makes his presence known but is attacked with a crowbar, Pope, His Lancer, and Lily are put in the cop-car and are Driving with a Bomb to Seattle.
So lets finish this!
Jake Begrudgingly accepts Daryl, we have a car chase, Pope arms the Bomb, Lancer dies, Pope dies with little hype whatsoever, Jake drives the bomb into the Lumbermill in Bridgeton, therefore making it dramatic/ten times worse. and so everyone celebrate this tramatic event that bought them Closer together!
THIS FILM IS SO GENERIC, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE ORIGINAL IDEAS TO MAKE IT SUCK!
Like anything involving Miz, I had low expectations and was still disappointed. Generic script, General action plot, the thing looks like it being shot on a shoestring and it shows: No-one actors and Found Footage.
My advice?
Read or watch the films that i reviewed previously, they mostly suck, but at least they are memborable!
CREDITS
Marine 3: Homefront was reviewed, edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With music by:
3 DAYS GRACE: I Hate Everything About You
Marine 3 was produced by WWE Films and distributed by 20th Century Fox. All Clips belong to their respected Owners. All rights reserved.
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @RealEnli
NEXT MONTH: EPISODE 91: VINCE VAUGHN AND OWEN WILSON SHOW THEIR AGE, BUT HAVE THE SLACKERS MATURED WITH AGE, OR GOT OLD DISGRACEFULLY? FIND OUT AS WE REVIEW, THE INTERNSHIP!
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