TICKET TO HELL:DamNation:Eamonn Reviews Silent Hill Revalation Part 1

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
Ever Since SatanicOstrich had left his thankless job as The Devil of my Universe, All Hell went loose...Literally! Without a Satan, All evil has leaked into Reality, the Only Solution?: Bring Ostrich back to Hell! Easy Right? WRONG! Since my Tussle with SatanicOstrich's forces at the 2nd 3 Tickets to Hell, I have a piece of  Satanic Power lodged into my fist! It's handy cos now I can pull items from dvds as well as perform varieties of my signature Limit Break, The Hadou-kara Punch, a flameing punch to the guts, As well as teleportation. But off course there is a catch, too much negativity and I GO INSANE!)

(The Train to Hell screeched to a halt.)
Well....Here We are!
(Eamonn stepped into an ash covered street. He wiped a sign's bottom It read "STATE OF VIRGINIA")
Virginia? I thought this was Hell?
-It is. IT'S YOUR HELL!
(THE 9FT Avian stepped forward the clawed feet scraping the freshly snowed ash. He Wiped the top of the sign to reveal WELCOME TO SILENT HILL as on cue an air-raid siren bellowed overhead.)
AND NOW! THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS CURRENT STORYLINE AND OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(This review's theme You're Not Here from Silent Hill 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZmMD84XpCs
So This is it! My fight to destroy Hell has become the fight to save it. Bookmarked by a review of silent Hill's trudge as a film franchise.

First a backstory for those who came in 2 years late...

Based on the Trouser browning Horror Game Series By Konami, The 1st movie took the entire mythos and backstory and threw it into a paper shredder, Turning it into a Fright-free Scooby-Doo episode where Radha Mitchell was chased by Papier Mache Pyramid Head back and forth before being hit with plot 10 minutes before the end credits.

AND THE PLOT WAS EVEN MORE STUPID!
As Rose's daughter was infact a piece of a dead girl killed by a stupid cult who believes that Artistic Skill is the mark of the devil!

So the cult sacrificed her to their god, who was prophesied to return. But even All-destroying Demons have standards and was angered by a child being sacrificed and Ran amuck, turning all the children into monsters and creating Freudian physical representations of fears and flaws. Oh and Sean Bean was also there!

So let's try to make sense of all this. This is Silent Hill revelation. And this is your TICKET TO HELL

We start in a nightmare sequence as a teenage girl is chased by clerics into a disturbing funfair. Between the dying goldfish &; haunted teddies, she hides on a merry-go-round manned by papier Machie Pyramid Head. On the ride that bursts into flames, are 2 Janitors changed like horses and Alessa dressed as the girl. as he sets the 2 pedophiles on fire, she warns her she can't be defeated and not to go to Silent Hill, before turning her flames onto her. She wakes as her Father (Bean) consols her...Only to be stabbed gruesomely by a Janitor!...Only that was a dream too!

Okay 5 minutes in and this is far more scarier than the first film in it's entirety...Good Job!

That morning we are told that Heather (Adelaide Clemens) was Sharon, Rose and Christopher's daughter who was kidnapped in the first film, and the part of Alessa, the sacrificed girl who was separated by the Reaper to live, Christopher, now called Harry have being moving from place to place to avoid the Order.

But what about Rose I hear you ask? From what I could gather from the ending in SH1, is that rose and Sharon escaped Silent hill, returned home but was still trapped in Otherworld. We are told that this is the case, As rose found a seal to escape but it was only small enough for a child.

But despite changing his name, Chris/Harry is still a Dick! Who tells Sharon that her mother died in an accident saving her, despite the girl holding the Missing piece of the seal the entire time, which Harry has kept for save keeping for 7 years where obviously the truth has since come out.

After meeting her class for the 1st time, we also meet Vincent Cooper who has also moved.
THIS'LL END WELL(!)

In the hallway, Heather has a flashback to Alessa's horrible childhood namely all the back-water Hillbilly children accusing her of being a witch...because she can draw well!
And no, I'm not going to get over how fucking stupid that is!

Then Sharon is sent to otherworld where the Armless Man charges but bumping into Vincent brings her back to reality. Heather seems to be followed. At the same time Harry gets kidnapped.

Heather is to meet Harry at a burger pace for her birthday. There is also a children's birthday party for 2 twins called Heather and Alessa...This sends our heroine into another Mushroom samba where all the customers are eating bloody burgers! The Man following her calls her by her birth name and she runs in terror...into Silent Hill's Butcher.

The man is a Private investigator who was hired by the Order but has a change of heart. But he's killed by...Voldo from Soul Caliber? What?

Hours pass and police find the P.I'S Body and Heather's coat, so they believe she is a suspect. She bumps into Vincent on the train home. Vincent tells her about his Crazy grandfather including the famous "they look like monsters to you?" line as a piece of foreshadowing.

Heather and Vincent return to her street where she finds that the Order has kidnapped him. A concerned Vincent heard her scream before he left. So both go through the keepsake box where Heather finds her real birthday present: A Pistol. As well as the seal she held when she escaped 7 years ago. The Police raid the house, but by now the teenagers have left the house on a rescue mission.

Stopping at a seedy motel, Heather has a nightmare of Alessa bringing decay to Silent hill. Vincent tells her not go as it's a trap, but Heather says she is sick of running. And if Alessa truly wanted a piece of her to live, she would have left her alone. Convinced that Heather is pure of heart, Vincent confesses that he is  a child of the Order, he escaped by having the seal carved onto his chest by the new Order leader, his mother, Claudia(Carrie-Ann Moss). He was sent to coerce Heather to the order's teachings, but  instead wants to help. Before he is kidnapped by Voldo, he states that the other seal belongs to his granddad, the dangerous Leonard Wolfe, and the Order's is to make Alessa and Heather into 1 being again, regain control of the Reaper, break the curse that binds them only to Silent hill and spread their vile doctrine to the world!

So the bad guys actually have a plan. Good Job.

(Meanwhile, 80'S Lad and Joe-Jack was using a rebuild spy-droid that was "acquired" during last years digital uprising)
Didya find an'ting interesting?
DUUUUUDDDDE! THAT IS A BIG TEN-FOUR, Culchie-Dude!
(the screen shows a close-up shot of a Nurse's chest.)
Which button is da close-up?
-don't touch the control!
-Ya Have ya Shite! Gimme that comptrolla!
(The spy droid bumped into the Nurse, who promptly smashed it with her Claw hammer)

NO SIGNAL.
TRANSMISSION ENDED.
RESUMING PROGRAMMING IN 1/5/14

THE CRAP FILMS OF DREW BARRYMORE: EAMONN REVIEWS 50 FIRST DATES

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Nearly 2 years ago, Eamonn embarrassed SatanicOstrich so much he summoned a ringer from an Alternative Universe, Master Control who almost succeeded. This knock to the devil's confidence made him leave his job as king of the underworld...with devastating results! Hell, as well as fiction, is bleeding into reality. On the way to send ostrich back, Eamonn has stopped the express train to hell at a mountain range, Where a mysterious question etched in it, is slowly translating into English.)

( Eamonn looks out the window at the sacred mountain, Monks and devotees who seemingly worship the words, are total disarray many committing suicide as the words didn't mean anything about the meaning of life, It only meant something to Eamonn.)

You knew what the question was didn't you? You planted a portal here to open when someone who had my powers was in your company, didn't you?

So what is the question?
"Say do you know what time it is?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSweDq_x5p8
Yes for the first time in 2 years, It's Happy Hour again! Where we trudge waist-high into everyone's Pill-popping Boozehound back catalogue of cack.

Another actor not having much success at the moment is Adam Sandler, Whose recent films, Jack and Jill and That's My Boy, are considered by many critics to be the worst films of 2012 and 2013.

And while both actors have huge turkeys under their belts, This...is not 1 of them! Okay I will make jokes here and there but nothing extreme like the What montage in Horrid Henry.

We start with a montage of women (And Adam Sandler's Fat Man-Bitch, Kevin James) all telling their collective stories on a holiday romance with Hawaiian commit-phobe, Henry Roth (Sandler), who we cut to telling the latest bit-of-stuff that he's a secret agent.

Henry is in fact a vet at SeaWorld, treating a shark bite on a Hobo played by, you guessed it- Sandler's original Man-Bitch, Rob Schiender, who with his Hawaiian accent and Long hair, has turned into Tommy Wiseau.

After taunting the fact that one day Henry'll Settle down, He's called to save a walrus, but long story short, It an elaborate prank on a co-worker for revenge for an eaten sandwich.

Our Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen, A womanizer who uses animals to deal revenge for petty grudges that'll only escalate further.

Out Sailing, his ship's mast breaks like a matchstick, so he moors his boat at Oahu, While at a diner to kill time, he's drawn to a girl who seems to draw attention to herself called Lucy (Barrymore)

The next day Henry returns to the diner and chats up the quirky Art teacher. The Diner staff becomes protective of Lucy all of a sudden.

While playing golf with Ula (Schiender), Lucy turns up and blows him, but  infact he knocked himself out, His sexy dream is enough to convince him not to return as falling for a local girl will cramp his style, But on a date with a tourist, he can't stop thinking of Lucy.

The Next Day Henry Learns the truth about Lucy: After a Car accident, Lucy is suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss. At the time of the accident, wouldn't It Be Nice? by the Beach Boys was playing on the radio. The song is used to donate plot-points.

So Drew Barrymore wakes up not knowing what happens the night before?
Sometimes you make it too easy!

The entire Island has conspired to Maintain the Lie that it's still October 30th 2001. Despite the fact that living on a Tourism-Dependent island, New Buildings, new people and off-course change in weather, even on Tropical Hawaii, could have raised question. But no, we are made to believe that Her father has a surplus of newspapers of the day of the accident and never once has Lucy ever watched any news programs to confirm the date. What's more heart breaking is having to paint over her artwork that she does in an attempt to cure her, Sadly she paints the same thing so it's not working.

Back in Honolulu, Robbie Wiseau, type-casted as moral less Sleazeball says Henry should go for it with Lucy, since she has a short-term memory, He can live the dream a long term, commitment free relationship. And besides Henry is leaving for Alaska it's not like he'll develop feeling for her(?)

In the next couple of days, Henry tries to re-chat-up Lucy with ridiculous lines but gets shot down every time. Until it works but doesn't give Lucy his number, this upsets Lucy and her family tells him not to go to café ever again.

Instead Henry sees her in a montage of car-stopping scenarios. Until the family finds out and tells him to come to his house.

Rather than Kicking his ass, he shows Henry That Lucy is painting a new picture singing Wouldn't It Be Nice?, so he lets Henry see her, but is not too sure on his full intentions, but if it can get his daughter cured, then why not?

Henry is now let in on the Masquerade, and good thing too, as a cop is writing Lucy a ticket for not having this year's tax. Lucy protests and taking a passerby's Newspaper to confirm the date backfires. At home, Lucy is told everything when given a scrapbook, seeing the metal plate makes her feel it as she cries in pain.

Going to the institute, We have a cameo by Dan Ackroyd as Lucy's Doctor who only serves to introduce 10-second Tom, the living Whose On First? Gag.

Henry proposes to think of another way, and that way is too SHOCK A VUNERABLE WOMAN WITH A GRAPHIC VIDEO OF HER ACCIDENT!!!...then follow it up with Henry wisecracking with Ula in Drag dressed as Lucy.

Somehow it works and it convinces her family to let her live as normal, day-to-day life, as every night they hit it off, and they take it to the next level having sex in the aquarium, As Ula nearly drown to caught a peek.

Of course, this doesn't end well when they stay the night and the next morning she wakes up screaming rape!

After watching the tape, Lucy overhears Henry's plan to go to Alaska. Despite Ula's bumbling, the ship is fixed, but Henry decides that Lucy is more important.

At work, Lucy tells Henry that she is ashamed of holding back a man who will always be a stranger, so he is breaking up with him.

Oh, The Irony Is Delicious!

So Henry sets sail, but not before her father tells Henry that Lucy is now a Patient at the Brain Trauma Centre, Listening to his gift of a beach Boy cd, he realizes that somewhere she may remember him, He finds her completely regressed but making an entire gallery of His portrait, and leaves with him. And so the film ends 10 years later into the future as Lucy wakes on the ship in Alaska, married to Henry with a daughter with her father on his crew.

THIS FILM....Doesn't suck!

Okay the structure of this film is off, no twists or antagonists, but it still works. Hawaii is a great choice as the backdrop, with it's jungles, beaches and Friendly people it makes it look like a Sugar Bowl where nothing bad happens. The Supporting Cast were great, even if they were spearheaded by Man-Bitch, most of funnier lines came from the extras, Sandler didn't rely no much on grossness to get a laugh and Barrymore kept the "quirkiness" to a minimum. Even the Trained animals were cute, showing anyone who read Zookeeper last month, that films with animal actors can work.

In closing, 50 1ST DATES:An enjoyable session of suspened Disbelief.

CREDITS
50 1ST Dates was Reviewed, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With Music from:
Happy hour again by the Housemartins

50 1st dates is produced by Columbia pictures.
All Rights Reserved.

Follow me on Twitter @saveusPOE

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE: THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE INFERNAL LODGER STORYLINE. BY YOU'VE WORKED OUT WHAT IT IS, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CLICK BELOW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMWrZmD0AN4