(As Joe-jack is reviewing part 1, all spelling mistakes are intentional.)
(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
Joe-Jack was given the chance to atone for his past deeds by the ghosts of Christmas also gaining insight into how to destroy the creature known as Master Control. In revealing this, the last spirit revealed himself to be Satanic Ostrich, the Devil of the Enlighteniverse, who is convinced Joe-Jack's soul is his, Satan has darkened the doors of Enlightened Towers)
(Joe-Jack opens the door to see satan standing in Hell.
YOU'RE DOOMED! YOU BELONG TO ME FOREVER!!!
I tole ya, i aint payin' no property Tax!
(SLAM!)
-No it's me you cretinous...cretin, The Lord of Darkness!
-Oh Right! Now, wot's dis abou' ownin me soul?
Because i do....
Noah! noah ya don't cause last month woz....(hold on)....MAMMY!
(WOT?!?)
WOT WOZ DAT BIG TOWNIE WORD DAT TOWNIE BASTID USE T'DESCRIBE LASHT MONTH'S REVIEW?
(NON-CANON!)
DAT'S RIOTE, Non-cannon, it didn't hav' a cannon in it, not even soljas! so sweep be fucked!
Don't be so hasty! Remember you said that you don't remember pushing Edwin Tantalus into the freezer at mary's shop in 82? what if i restore that memory!
After sending 80's lad t'another dimension? i suppose i have no choice
there is of course, a catch!
yeah?
you must review a film for your soul! You survive, you get your stolen memrory. You fail, I get your soul in exchange for this man's
(the foul feathered fiend held a glass ball in the palm of his wing, in the ball the soul of Ricky Gervais did the brent dance in endless loop!)
he sold his soul to me!
-to make him funny?
-to convince the world he was!
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
Hallo Joe-jack here, today reviewin' for my very soul, A film starin' da Unfunny Goblin himself, Ricky Ger-Vase! Gervase's Komedy is akin to seein' a Happy-Slappin', you laugh at first but then you feel sorry for da bastard. But dat has not stopped da papers fer callin' him a Komedy genious! he has to send an idiot and a midget t'out foriegn t'raise a laugh! but we are laughing at dem not GerVase!
AnyRoad, da Fillium starts wif a man's voice asking if anyone iz there?
"Why are there so many empty seats?"
No, da voice belongs to Frankie(Greg Kinnear), who is channelin' Jimmy stewart with his nasally accent, speakin t'his wife (later revealed to be played by Tea Leoni) about buying an apartment for their anniversary. Meanwhile, a family ov Black Stereotype are getting rid of a stolen air conditioner.
Out of a window.
Ov a flat.
A few stories high.
In New york.
A city famous for it Law Enforcement both of Murders and Enviromental Laws.
And while that might have being a whimsical "what-are-da-odds" way ov killing Frankie, he is actually killed by a green screen bus that turns into a real bus.
(To Paraphase Chris Jericho, no that doesn't look like a fucking comedy bus to us!)
So Frankie is a ghost who feels terrible abou' leavin' his wife to live without him.
We now cut to Doctor Bertram Pincus (Gervais), a dentist.
Dat's funny cos oi'd rather have me teeth pulled out be rusty pliers than watch anything with Ricky Ger-vase in it.
After fiove minnits ov stock footage of Dentistry Equipment. We see the real reason Oi don't like Ger-Vase. he always plays pricks.
So Pincus' real problem is dat he is so focused on his job that he was no time for friends.
or Conversation.
or hobbies,
Children,
Pets,
Charity,
Human warmth!
To dat end, he takes 3 bottles of Heavy Duty Laxative!
(keep it classy, Ricky keep it fucking classy!)
After stayin' in hospital after an overdose and followin' operation, he leaves and accosts the nurses for smoking outside, speaking to a nurse OVIVIOUSLY dressed in 40's nurses' attire because she is a ghost, gets all the ghosts in new york to follow him.
the next day Pincus is told he died on the operation table. Which is the explanation to why he can see da dead.
No.
No Dat's not an explanation!
So Frankie gets Pincus alone so he can convince hin to mind his widow.
An' dat iz da plot t'Ghost Town.
Actually dat's da plot t'Ghost Whisperererererer and if i had a choice, I'd pick Jennifer Love-Hugetits anyday ov da week.
We are told that the dead appear in the clothes they die in. and by proxy what they have in dere pockets can be pulled put. Turns out dat frankie has a Blackberry with four bars! but da batteries has died. as he was playing tetris.
Because da plot says so!
Any way, Frankie tells Pincus that his wife will marry a lawyer. After convincin' the other dead to back off, Frankie cources Pincus-Without-A-Brian to seduce his wife.
Turns out dat Pincus has being a real jerk t'Gwen since his building.
Frankie tries t'give Pincus advice but he Ignores da Deceased Don Juan, After dicussing the jawbone of a mummy she was studying.(she is an Eygptologist), Gwen invited Pincus to study it with her.
So Gwen and Pincus have a date and what do you take about as an Icebreaker?
how about a MUMMY'S FULLY PERSERVED ERECT PENIS IN A JAR?
Despite the dick jokes and the fact it's ger-vase tellin' dick jokes, Gwen warms up t'Unfunny Goblin, inviting him to da unveiling of a new egyptian Display. While trying t'check on Gwen he is intreruptted be a ghost ov a naked man and ov a...(sigh)
I.R.A. TERRORIST!
(WHAT?)
(racist alarm!!)
tag!
I'll be finishing this film now.Part 2 it's going to be on!
Spurned by the cry of the Racist Alarm, Eamonn takes up the challenge of finishing the review for his frie-acquaintance's soul. Next week, on bogger box office-Plus Big Announcement!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Eamonn reviews Semi-Pro
....AND WE ARE BACK IN 2013!
If you thought that last year's adventures into celluloid shite were great then prepare of this year's thrill ride. Since it's January new beginnings and all that, I'm doing something i never done before, but wanted to...
Review an American Sports film!
Apart from wrestling, I don't give two fucks about sport. And Films about sports we don't play or are bad at? Sorry Will Ferrell but Ireland is still full of short white people to play basketball at a world level!
With that in mind, lets don Afros and tiny shorts to watch semi-pro.
So the film begins in the 70s as paper articles in a scrap book tells the story of Jackie Moon (ferrell), A one hit wonder singer turned player-manager of the Flint Tropics, but his half baked promotions(such as Gerbil Night and Dime Beer) and lacklustre performance in the league threatens bankruptcy. So The local team is introduced by moon in a succession of one-liners (including how Michael jackson looks creepy)
During a game with New york, Jackie cost points by travelling to accost a staffer for bringing outside food. Arriving late is Flint's top-scorer, Clarence (Andre Benjamin) He scores a 3-pointer but flint is still losing.
At half time Jackie introduces a half court challenge for $10,000 (money he doesn't have!)-And you know what happens next!
So with the tropics bottom of the league and needing $10,000 to pay a hippy, Jackie decides to drown his troubles in his club,making the dj play his song again, much to the chagrin of the players.
Now we get the plot after 20 minutes. The players are spreading a rumour that the league is dissolving. Instead Jackie says that the ABA is in fact merging with NBA that he will not let his players down, calling himself "bambi's Mother." the other players make fun of that fact before i do.
At the meeting it's confirmed that there will be a merger,Jackie rubs it in the other teams faces that he is a"real" manager however after arguing they settle that the top 4 teams that will be added to the nba, It's a race against time no team has ever being in ninth and last and won, let one win fourth place. So Jackie sells his washing machine to trade for Ed Monix (woody Harrellson), a player who's drunk and aggressive nature got him demoted and divorced.
Speaking of which, we cut to his ex-wive, lynn and her new boyfriend Kyle,who is fan of monix
AWKWARD!
...It turns out they live in Flint and she has a restraining order against him.
On the bus to st Louis, Clarence makes fun of Monix for winning a championship ring with even playing one game for Celtics.
After getting into an argument with Fr. Pat the Referee, the priest insults Jackie's dead mother, this makes Jackie eject the team and forfeit the game.
And there is more bad news, The Board has issued that teams must have 2000+ fans in attendance every home-game, so for tv buzz the team wears eye-liner and fights the opposing team during ad-breaks. Monix is angry with what happened that he upturns a cop-car. Lynn bails him out and discusses there divorce when she leaves, Clarence,Twiggy and Anton convince Ed to coach the team, to Jackie's Annoyance but is convinced to handle only the promotions. Monix orthodox methods includes a drill without a ball called "The Puke"....Guess what happens next!
And it pays off! the Tropics are more polished in their match. But Jackie's promotion gets in the way again as he advertises free Corn-Dogs if the Tropics win by 125 points, an errant ball by Vikidis makes the win by 129. Once again it's a promise that Jackie cannot keep.
We get a montage of the tropics Steady rise to 5 place,Clarence has changed his name to Coffee Black
Ed has sex with Lynn seemingly while Kyle is out, but Kyle is watching them!
AWKWARD!!
Jackie's Outlandish promotional stunts continue as he fails to jump the ball girls and wrestles a bear.
(Eamonn laughs at the scene, but looks over to see an elephant on it's hind legs with it's fore legs crossed.)
OH,Dont act like you don't see me!
-Aren't you a gimmick by Mr Big-Shot In Chicago?
-No I'm free to show up when need!
-Why are you here?
(Sigh!) You know the bear in this film killed it's handler,right?
Okay you got me! I can't avoid the elephant the room! Rocky the bear did kill his handler after this film, but it was months after this film was released. It's a tragedy but a footnote really!
The Commissioner tells the team that the tropics will not merge with the NBA. This causes Jackie to get depressed, and trades Coffee to the Spurs.
Jackie gets back to form when Monix finds him in a dumpster. So the team has final meeting to prepare for its final game. It's nothing but sport we don't Play very well in Ireland so lets wrap it up!
Jackie gets knocked out has a near-death experience,Coffee returns to the tropics,and Jackie's dead mother(context!) gives Jackie the winning play, The commish is eaten by the bear, and the story ends with the hippy getting his prize money from Jackie's NBA Buy-out!
THIS FILM....AND I MUST STRESS THIS....DOES! NOT! SUCK!
Despite the weak setting and the fact that American sports films bomb in Europe, there is a lot in Semi-pro to keep you entertained. Ferrell as the naive incompetent Title character is a riot, Andre 3000 Is a Revelation, as is the spotlight stealing Will Arnet, Woody Harrellson storyline could easily have being cut.
This film though, I strongly recommend!
CREDITS
Semi Pro review was written compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
Semi Pro is distributed by Entertainment On Video
All rights reversed.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
If you thought that last year's adventures into celluloid shite were great then prepare of this year's thrill ride. Since it's January new beginnings and all that, I'm doing something i never done before, but wanted to...
Review an American Sports film!
Apart from wrestling, I don't give two fucks about sport. And Films about sports we don't play or are bad at? Sorry Will Ferrell but Ireland is still full of short white people to play basketball at a world level!
With that in mind, lets don Afros and tiny shorts to watch semi-pro.
So the film begins in the 70s as paper articles in a scrap book tells the story of Jackie Moon (ferrell), A one hit wonder singer turned player-manager of the Flint Tropics, but his half baked promotions(such as Gerbil Night and Dime Beer) and lacklustre performance in the league threatens bankruptcy. So The local team is introduced by moon in a succession of one-liners (including how Michael jackson looks creepy)
During a game with New york, Jackie cost points by travelling to accost a staffer for bringing outside food. Arriving late is Flint's top-scorer, Clarence (Andre Benjamin) He scores a 3-pointer but flint is still losing.
At half time Jackie introduces a half court challenge for $10,000 (money he doesn't have!)-And you know what happens next!
So with the tropics bottom of the league and needing $10,000 to pay a hippy, Jackie decides to drown his troubles in his club,making the dj play his song again, much to the chagrin of the players.
Now we get the plot after 20 minutes. The players are spreading a rumour that the league is dissolving. Instead Jackie says that the ABA is in fact merging with NBA that he will not let his players down, calling himself "bambi's Mother." the other players make fun of that fact before i do.
At the meeting it's confirmed that there will be a merger,Jackie rubs it in the other teams faces that he is a"real" manager however after arguing they settle that the top 4 teams that will be added to the nba, It's a race against time no team has ever being in ninth and last and won, let one win fourth place. So Jackie sells his washing machine to trade for Ed Monix (woody Harrellson), a player who's drunk and aggressive nature got him demoted and divorced.
Speaking of which, we cut to his ex-wive, lynn and her new boyfriend Kyle,who is fan of monix
AWKWARD!
...It turns out they live in Flint and she has a restraining order against him.
On the bus to st Louis, Clarence makes fun of Monix for winning a championship ring with even playing one game for Celtics.
After getting into an argument with Fr. Pat the Referee, the priest insults Jackie's dead mother, this makes Jackie eject the team and forfeit the game.
And there is more bad news, The Board has issued that teams must have 2000+ fans in attendance every home-game, so for tv buzz the team wears eye-liner and fights the opposing team during ad-breaks. Monix is angry with what happened that he upturns a cop-car. Lynn bails him out and discusses there divorce when she leaves, Clarence,Twiggy and Anton convince Ed to coach the team, to Jackie's Annoyance but is convinced to handle only the promotions. Monix orthodox methods includes a drill without a ball called "The Puke"....Guess what happens next!
And it pays off! the Tropics are more polished in their match. But Jackie's promotion gets in the way again as he advertises free Corn-Dogs if the Tropics win by 125 points, an errant ball by Vikidis makes the win by 129. Once again it's a promise that Jackie cannot keep.
We get a montage of the tropics Steady rise to 5 place,Clarence has changed his name to Coffee Black
Ed has sex with Lynn seemingly while Kyle is out, but Kyle is watching them!
AWKWARD!!
Jackie's Outlandish promotional stunts continue as he fails to jump the ball girls and wrestles a bear.
(Eamonn laughs at the scene, but looks over to see an elephant on it's hind legs with it's fore legs crossed.)
OH,Dont act like you don't see me!
-Aren't you a gimmick by Mr Big-Shot In Chicago?
-No I'm free to show up when need!
-Why are you here?
(Sigh!) You know the bear in this film killed it's handler,right?
Okay you got me! I can't avoid the elephant the room! Rocky the bear did kill his handler after this film, but it was months after this film was released. It's a tragedy but a footnote really!
The Commissioner tells the team that the tropics will not merge with the NBA. This causes Jackie to get depressed, and trades Coffee to the Spurs.
Jackie gets back to form when Monix finds him in a dumpster. So the team has final meeting to prepare for its final game. It's nothing but sport we don't Play very well in Ireland so lets wrap it up!
Jackie gets knocked out has a near-death experience,Coffee returns to the tropics,and Jackie's dead mother(context!) gives Jackie the winning play, The commish is eaten by the bear, and the story ends with the hippy getting his prize money from Jackie's NBA Buy-out!
THIS FILM....AND I MUST STRESS THIS....DOES! NOT! SUCK!
Despite the weak setting and the fact that American sports films bomb in Europe, there is a lot in Semi-pro to keep you entertained. Ferrell as the naive incompetent Title character is a riot, Andre 3000 Is a Revelation, as is the spotlight stealing Will Arnet, Woody Harrellson storyline could easily have being cut.
This film though, I strongly recommend!
CREDITS
Semi Pro review was written compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
Semi Pro is distributed by Entertainment On Video
All rights reversed.
Follow me on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
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