well it seems dat dere is dis man in amerika call'd dug Walker that did an review of twillight when oi Joe-jack Da Culchie said Dat oi was reviewin' it sew Dug Walker dis is me first an' las' warnin' do not review any filiums dat a am goin' to review or oi will come over an' rip a big yank head ov ya!
signed
Joe-Jack Da Culchie!
aged 42 and a half!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halloween special:TOP 10 SCARY HORROR FILLIUM MOMENTS 10-1
Bogger box office presents
NIGHT OF THE LIVING BRIAN DEAD
IN THE SMALL VILLAGE OF BUTTCRAIC CO CAVAN, BETWEEN THE VILLAGES OF PILES AND SCRAWTUM THERE IS A SIGHT MORE SCARY THAN ANY GHOST OR GOBLIN.
JOE-JACK HAVING A BATH!
JOE-JACK: (singing) I know ya wants me you know i wants ya i know you wants me you know i wants ya!(he gets dressed in a string vest boxers white-ish shirt corduroy jacket and trousers wellies tie and a peck cap.
(door-bell)
who da feck is dat?
(opens the door to 3 trick or treaters)
KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!
JOE-JACK: HALLO DATS SOME GOOD COSTUMES WAIT I GOT SOME MONEY FOR YOU
(joe-jack lifts a huge pot filled with pennies. the kids get all excited!)
Joe-jack: now there is one two three of ya. a penny fer you. and fer you and fer you! NOW FECK OFF! IM EXPECTING GUESTS!
GHOST KID: YOU SUCK!
JOE-JACK: YOU KISS YA MAMMY WITH DAT MOUTH?
WITCH GIRL: YOU ARE BAD MAN!
IM SAVING MY MONEY FER OTHER CHILDERN!
WERE THE ONLY CHILDERN IN DA VILLAGE!
JOE-JACK:GET OF MY LAND!
(HE SLAMS THE DOOR. THE KIDS PELT THE HOUSE WITH EGGS)
(JOE-JACK RUNS OUT!)
YA LITTLE SCUTS ! GOOD THING THERE IS ONLY 3 CHILDER IN DA VILLAGE! SO I KNOWS WHERE YA LIVE! YA CANT OUT SMART JOE-JACK!
(HE IS PELTED WITH EGGS!)
YA LITTLE BASTIDS I'LL GET YA!
(Doorbell)
the twins from the shining are at the door
#10 THE TWINS FROM THE SHINING
COME PLAY WITH US JOE-JACK FOR EVER AND EVER
i dont play camogie* ya heartful playing does make up for your lack of skill though.(he slams the door, turns around and the twins are there he grabs a rifle shots but hits a vase.)
* camogie-a ball game played by girls. it is the counterpart to hurling.
Mammy: did ya say something joe-jack?
(joe-jack goes to the living room. his old mother "Mammy" is watching static on a black and white grundig tv)
Mammy: did ya make the poteen* yet joe-jack?
*poteen-pronounced push-een-moonshine
aw feck!
(in the kitchen he make the recipe for the liquor a wind blows the book and pages to a recipe to raise the dead)
END SCENE
#9 THE PLOT DEVICE THAT MAKES ZOMBIES-FROM ANY HORROR FILLIUM
NEXT SCENE THE PARTY AND NO-ONE IS TOUCHING THE HOOCH MAMMY SMELL A CUP
WHATS IN THE STILL
POTATOES BERRIES GOATS BLOOD AND ANGEL HAIR
ya gobshite dats a zombie potion i'm watching me telly!
(Joe -jack goes to the attic to pour out the still. lightening strikes a unmarked grave as a hand reaches out)
SCENE.
SCENE 3
joe-jack is told by a guest that there are people outside. going up on the roof while raining he sees the zombie of lost tourists and anti-hunt campaigners. thinking they are just Townies he shoots at them
"GET THE FUCK OF MY LAND!"
#8 the zombie swarming the survivors in night of the living dead!
inside it seems that one guest drank the potion as her skin is changing to blue and bleeding. Joe-jack locates father Tax-Crymes.
FA'HER YOU HAVE T'PERFOM A EXOR-CIRCUMSISM
OH YES! ER...HOW MUCH DO I CHARGE FOR...
HOW ABOW NOT BEEN EIGHTING B'DA LIVIN' DEAD?
OKAY THE WILL Of CHRIST COMPELS THEE!
(MARY GETS UP ON THE CEILING, SPINNING HER HEAD AND VOMITING)
Joe-jack: i am not cleaning that puke! MAMMY! C'MERE AND CLEAN DIS PUKE! MAMMY?
#7 the bed scene from the exorcist
Joe-jack runs into the living room a glass hand made of static is reaching grabbing Mammy by the the face!
#6 the kidnap of the little girl in Poultergeist
(JOE-JACK PULLS MAMMY OUT OF THE TELEVISION. IT RETURNS TO ITS NATURAL STATE)
MAMMY: IM WATCHING A VIDEO INSTEAD!
(She puts in the ring. Samara climbs out of the tv)
Joe-jack: NO MAMMY DONT WATCH DAT VID-JOE! HEY SALMONELLA GET BACK IN THAT TELLY! (he breaks the tv. samara disapeers.)
#5 THE RING
FER FUCK SAKES MAMMY YOU NEARLY GO US KILLED TWICE!
(Mammy goes to the window and starts waving franticly)
MAMMY: HELLO MARGO! LOOK ITS ME SHISTER MARGO!
JOE-JACK: Margo? i thought she was....DEAD?
(THE ZOMBIES SWARM THE SURVIVORS EATING THEM! JOE-JACK GRABS HIS MOTHER AND A HURLEY* AND RUNS TO THE SHED WHERE HE IS MET BY JIGSAW!
* A Hurley is a flat ash sporting apparatus used in the games of hurling and camogie
#4 SAW
JIGSAW: HELLO JOE-JACK LETS PLAY A GAME!
JOE-JACK: FUCK OFF ZOMBIE BOSCO*
*Bosco was a popular pre school irish program in 80s ireland
END SCENE
SCENE4
JOE-JACK IS FILMING HIMSELF WITH A NIGHT VISION CAMERA. AN EXTREME CLOSEUP OF HIS FACE IS SHOWN
#3 BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(zombies swarm the shed. one tears off joe-jack arm but the arm was already torn of and hallowed out to hide the chainsaw replaced on his arm.
TIED FOR #2-Ash replaces his arm with a chainsaw-evil dead
THE SHED IS COVERED IN RED!
THEN THE DOOR IS AXED THROUGH!
HERES MAMMY!
TIED FOR 2-HERES JOHNNY-THE SHINING!
Zombies: brains!
JOE-JACK: YA HAVE YER SHITE YA ZOMBIES! IM GONNA KILL YA NOW WIF ME CHAINSAW! YA CANT OUTSMART JOE-JACK!
(HE PULLS ON THE CORD. NOT ONLY DOES THE ENGINE SPLUTTER THE SAW FALLS COMPLETLY OFF THE JOINT! THE ZOMBIES RUSH JOE-JACK AND EAT HIM TO SHREDS!
#1-THE CHOKE ON ME! SCENE FROM DAY OF THE DEAD
CHOKE ON ME! CHOKE ON ME (CUT TO A WAKING UP WIPE AND JOE-JACK ON AN ARMCHAIR)
FECK! IT WAS JUST A DREAM! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL FOOT-STOMPER OF A DO! NEARLY ALL THE POTEEN IS GONE! THERES ONE CUP LEFT! OH NO IM TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE! MAMMY! C'MERE I WANT T'EAT YA BRAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSSSSS! AND SOME RED SAUCE! WELL I NOT GOING TO ATE ME MAMMY BRAINS DRY NOW AM I?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL FROM THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT FAMILY
SIGNED EAMONN!
NIGHT OF THE LIVING BRIAN DEAD
IN THE SMALL VILLAGE OF BUTTCRAIC CO CAVAN, BETWEEN THE VILLAGES OF PILES AND SCRAWTUM THERE IS A SIGHT MORE SCARY THAN ANY GHOST OR GOBLIN.
JOE-JACK HAVING A BATH!
JOE-JACK: (singing) I know ya wants me you know i wants ya i know you wants me you know i wants ya!(he gets dressed in a string vest boxers white-ish shirt corduroy jacket and trousers wellies tie and a peck cap.
(door-bell)
who da feck is dat?
(opens the door to 3 trick or treaters)
KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!
JOE-JACK: HALLO DATS SOME GOOD COSTUMES WAIT I GOT SOME MONEY FOR YOU
(joe-jack lifts a huge pot filled with pennies. the kids get all excited!)
Joe-jack: now there is one two three of ya. a penny fer you. and fer you and fer you! NOW FECK OFF! IM EXPECTING GUESTS!
GHOST KID: YOU SUCK!
JOE-JACK: YOU KISS YA MAMMY WITH DAT MOUTH?
WITCH GIRL: YOU ARE BAD MAN!
IM SAVING MY MONEY FER OTHER CHILDERN!
WERE THE ONLY CHILDERN IN DA VILLAGE!
JOE-JACK:GET OF MY LAND!
(HE SLAMS THE DOOR. THE KIDS PELT THE HOUSE WITH EGGS)
(JOE-JACK RUNS OUT!)
YA LITTLE SCUTS ! GOOD THING THERE IS ONLY 3 CHILDER IN DA VILLAGE! SO I KNOWS WHERE YA LIVE! YA CANT OUT SMART JOE-JACK!
(HE IS PELTED WITH EGGS!)
YA LITTLE BASTIDS I'LL GET YA!
(Doorbell)
the twins from the shining are at the door
#10 THE TWINS FROM THE SHINING
COME PLAY WITH US JOE-JACK FOR EVER AND EVER
i dont play camogie* ya heartful playing does make up for your lack of skill though.(he slams the door, turns around and the twins are there he grabs a rifle shots but hits a vase.)
* camogie-a ball game played by girls. it is the counterpart to hurling.
Mammy: did ya say something joe-jack?
(joe-jack goes to the living room. his old mother "Mammy" is watching static on a black and white grundig tv)
Mammy: did ya make the poteen* yet joe-jack?
*poteen-pronounced push-een-moonshine
aw feck!
(in the kitchen he make the recipe for the liquor a wind blows the book and pages to a recipe to raise the dead)
END SCENE
#9 THE PLOT DEVICE THAT MAKES ZOMBIES-FROM ANY HORROR FILLIUM
NEXT SCENE THE PARTY AND NO-ONE IS TOUCHING THE HOOCH MAMMY SMELL A CUP
WHATS IN THE STILL
POTATOES BERRIES GOATS BLOOD AND ANGEL HAIR
ya gobshite dats a zombie potion i'm watching me telly!
(Joe -jack goes to the attic to pour out the still. lightening strikes a unmarked grave as a hand reaches out)
SCENE.
SCENE 3
joe-jack is told by a guest that there are people outside. going up on the roof while raining he sees the zombie of lost tourists and anti-hunt campaigners. thinking they are just Townies he shoots at them
"GET THE FUCK OF MY LAND!"
#8 the zombie swarming the survivors in night of the living dead!
inside it seems that one guest drank the potion as her skin is changing to blue and bleeding. Joe-jack locates father Tax-Crymes.
FA'HER YOU HAVE T'PERFOM A EXOR-CIRCUMSISM
OH YES! ER...HOW MUCH DO I CHARGE FOR...
HOW ABOW NOT BEEN EIGHTING B'DA LIVIN' DEAD?
OKAY THE WILL Of CHRIST COMPELS THEE!
(MARY GETS UP ON THE CEILING, SPINNING HER HEAD AND VOMITING)
Joe-jack: i am not cleaning that puke! MAMMY! C'MERE AND CLEAN DIS PUKE! MAMMY?
#7 the bed scene from the exorcist
Joe-jack runs into the living room a glass hand made of static is reaching grabbing Mammy by the the face!
#6 the kidnap of the little girl in Poultergeist
(JOE-JACK PULLS MAMMY OUT OF THE TELEVISION. IT RETURNS TO ITS NATURAL STATE)
MAMMY: IM WATCHING A VIDEO INSTEAD!
(She puts in the ring. Samara climbs out of the tv)
Joe-jack: NO MAMMY DONT WATCH DAT VID-JOE! HEY SALMONELLA GET BACK IN THAT TELLY! (he breaks the tv. samara disapeers.)
#5 THE RING
FER FUCK SAKES MAMMY YOU NEARLY GO US KILLED TWICE!
(Mammy goes to the window and starts waving franticly)
MAMMY: HELLO MARGO! LOOK ITS ME SHISTER MARGO!
JOE-JACK: Margo? i thought she was....DEAD?
(THE ZOMBIES SWARM THE SURVIVORS EATING THEM! JOE-JACK GRABS HIS MOTHER AND A HURLEY* AND RUNS TO THE SHED WHERE HE IS MET BY JIGSAW!
* A Hurley is a flat ash sporting apparatus used in the games of hurling and camogie
#4 SAW
JIGSAW: HELLO JOE-JACK LETS PLAY A GAME!
JOE-JACK: FUCK OFF ZOMBIE BOSCO*
*Bosco was a popular pre school irish program in 80s ireland
END SCENE
SCENE4
JOE-JACK IS FILMING HIMSELF WITH A NIGHT VISION CAMERA. AN EXTREME CLOSEUP OF HIS FACE IS SHOWN
#3 BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(zombies swarm the shed. one tears off joe-jack arm but the arm was already torn of and hallowed out to hide the chainsaw replaced on his arm.
TIED FOR #2-Ash replaces his arm with a chainsaw-evil dead
THE SHED IS COVERED IN RED!
THEN THE DOOR IS AXED THROUGH!
HERES MAMMY!
TIED FOR 2-HERES JOHNNY-THE SHINING!
Zombies: brains!
JOE-JACK: YA HAVE YER SHITE YA ZOMBIES! IM GONNA KILL YA NOW WIF ME CHAINSAW! YA CANT OUTSMART JOE-JACK!
(HE PULLS ON THE CORD. NOT ONLY DOES THE ENGINE SPLUTTER THE SAW FALLS COMPLETLY OFF THE JOINT! THE ZOMBIES RUSH JOE-JACK AND EAT HIM TO SHREDS!
#1-THE CHOKE ON ME! SCENE FROM DAY OF THE DEAD
CHOKE ON ME! CHOKE ON ME (CUT TO A WAKING UP WIPE AND JOE-JACK ON AN ARMCHAIR)
FECK! IT WAS JUST A DREAM! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL FOOT-STOMPER OF A DO! NEARLY ALL THE POTEEN IS GONE! THERES ONE CUP LEFT! OH NO IM TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE! MAMMY! C'MERE I WANT T'EAT YA BRAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSSSSS! AND SOME RED SAUCE! WELL I NOT GOING TO ATE ME MAMMY BRAINS DRY NOW AM I?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL FROM THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT FAMILY
SIGNED EAMONN!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Dance flick review
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT A FUCKING TERRIBLE FILLUM! MY GAWD! dhose waylin brothers have sank to a new low! this fillum is so racist it should in da docks for the Nuremburg trails.
so how bad is dis fillum when let me tell ya the plot.
being a spoof film dis tiome makin' fun of the hip-hop fillum genrah. durin' a dance battle, where toilet humour abounds, the main charector thomas (played by Wayans son-NEPOTISM!) loses when a dancer is killed. he is dispatched by oil that makes him sloide to a broken brodge. Realisin' that he and his friend Air-con(because it sound like Akon. in-FOOKING-genious!) owe $40,000 to a gangster call'd sugar bear. they go into hidin'.
we now go to a spoof of Save Da las' Dance. where a gurl call'd Megan moves in wif her fa'er in a Dump. here she meets a black Gurl call'd Charity. A runnin' "joke" is that she is the worst mot'er in da wurld, at one instansce sayin' a parenting buuk by Britney spears is da best she ever read. in High school, Wayans (i dont know which one)-get this-actually does a speech on actors havin' dignity-but not before doing a scence as a stereotypical slave cuttin' of his owen fuut.
then in a embarrasin' attempt to out zac efron, a lookalike sings
Flame! I'm going to be gay forever!
i know that i Like Guys!
i mean why would you do that? what would make you like Efron is a Benny? i mean he has a floppy fringe, pearl white tooths, dresses stylishly,stars in musicals,goes out with gurl to hot for him,hangs with dicrapio, works for disney.....i think ive answeres me owen question, so i have!
we cut to a scene involving suger bear who has really earned dat nickname is he....
A) Smooth with ladies
B) Rough like a bear or
C) a fat person stereo type
if ya answer woz c
NO FOOKING SHIT!
Even sugar Bear has a song saying he will eat air-con and thomas.so by makin' peace wif megan they form a crew to take on da rival gang.
ome thing i havta say i hate hip-hop in my day you 'ad singers singin' there songs not drug-dealers holding out mikes saying c'mon yo you know da words! BIG TOM DID'NT DO DRUGS!
its tiome to put the spuds on!
Suger bear helps the crew win the prioze money (which just happens to be the amount due to him),megan is enrolled into Julliard, and she and thomas are a couple (in a pointless send-off to Twillight)
so what was fillum lioke.
Dis fillium is filled racial jokes,fat jokes and Homophobia. Such as almost every exchange wif a black carector ends with a hold-up, a techer telling the girl from hairspary to dance the mash'd potato not eight it, and megan not to know thomas when other white people turn up, pretendin' he's a valet an' addin' don't steal anything!
I tell ya! if the Director weren't black he would get a kicking by yer man, Jesse Jackson, so dey would!
Rating: It get an A rating...A fer Awful!
so how bad is dis fillum when let me tell ya the plot.
being a spoof film dis tiome makin' fun of the hip-hop fillum genrah. durin' a dance battle, where toilet humour abounds, the main charector thomas (played by Wayans son-NEPOTISM!) loses when a dancer is killed. he is dispatched by oil that makes him sloide to a broken brodge. Realisin' that he and his friend Air-con(because it sound like Akon. in-FOOKING-genious!) owe $40,000 to a gangster call'd sugar bear. they go into hidin'.
we now go to a spoof of Save Da las' Dance. where a gurl call'd Megan moves in wif her fa'er in a Dump. here she meets a black Gurl call'd Charity. A runnin' "joke" is that she is the worst mot'er in da wurld, at one instansce sayin' a parenting buuk by Britney spears is da best she ever read. in High school, Wayans (i dont know which one)-get this-actually does a speech on actors havin' dignity-but not before doing a scence as a stereotypical slave cuttin' of his owen fuut.
then in a embarrasin' attempt to out zac efron, a lookalike sings
Flame! I'm going to be gay forever!
i know that i Like Guys!
i mean why would you do that? what would make you like Efron is a Benny? i mean he has a floppy fringe, pearl white tooths, dresses stylishly,stars in musicals,goes out with gurl to hot for him,hangs with dicrapio, works for disney.....i think ive answeres me owen question, so i have!
we cut to a scene involving suger bear who has really earned dat nickname is he....
A) Smooth with ladies
B) Rough like a bear or
C) a fat person stereo type
if ya answer woz c
NO FOOKING SHIT!
Even sugar Bear has a song saying he will eat air-con and thomas.so by makin' peace wif megan they form a crew to take on da rival gang.
ome thing i havta say i hate hip-hop in my day you 'ad singers singin' there songs not drug-dealers holding out mikes saying c'mon yo you know da words! BIG TOM DID'NT DO DRUGS!
its tiome to put the spuds on!
Suger bear helps the crew win the prioze money (which just happens to be the amount due to him),megan is enrolled into Julliard, and she and thomas are a couple (in a pointless send-off to Twillight)
so what was fillum lioke.
Dis fillium is filled racial jokes,fat jokes and Homophobia. Such as almost every exchange wif a black carector ends with a hold-up, a techer telling the girl from hairspary to dance the mash'd potato not eight it, and megan not to know thomas when other white people turn up, pretendin' he's a valet an' addin' don't steal anything!
I tell ya! if the Director weren't black he would get a kicking by yer man, Jesse Jackson, so dey would!
Rating: It get an A rating...A fer Awful!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
abou' meself
hallo am i on d'air?
hallo all of yous boyz on T'Internet
an' welcome to Bogger box office.
dis yoke is ya one stop shop fer reviews on filliums.
i luv filiums. me an mammy watch a fillum to get away from turfin'
so i hope ye enjoy my reviews
an if ye don't feck the whole lot of ya
and check out that townie Eamonn berminghams ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE
hallo all of yous boyz on T'Internet
an' welcome to Bogger box office.
dis yoke is ya one stop shop fer reviews on filliums.
i luv filiums. me an mammy watch a fillum to get away from turfin'
so i hope ye enjoy my reviews
an if ye don't feck the whole lot of ya
and check out that townie Eamonn berminghams ENLIGHTENED PAGE FROM THE EDGE
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