Halloween special 2025: Cassandra Episodes 1-3

 As I said last year,  The Horror Channel's Rebranding to Legend Muddied The Waters on Losing it's Genre Specific Identity. 

Granted, There are Still Horror Films on the Former Horror Channel, but in a Haystack of Other 3 star or lower films, you have to delve through Romcoms, Christmas Romcoms, Modern Westerns and Whatever Crap Nic Cage Does to pay his Backtaxes.

However, there is a service that I've gotten in recent months, a tool that also allowed me to continue being a Wrestling Writer, is also a treasure trove for Reviewers.

Netflix.

In fact, Since February's Unfrosted, I've being using the months I don't review WWE over on Enlightened Towers, I poll my readers on Twitter (for now) on what I should review next, So I've Decided, and don't take this personally, to take the power out of your Hands, Temporarily.

Ever since the First Poll, one of the options has being Cassandra, A German limited Horror series about a AI controlled house who after Receiving a new Family after 50 years becomes obsessive, Parasocial....and Maybe Deadly.

Only 6 episodes were made and, despite what I said last month that I will review 4 episodes, I will instead review the first HALF, And who knows? If you want me to finish it, I'll make it an option for it in a poll down the line.

So like all Netflix Originals, I'm going in blind, this is 2025's Halloween special, Cassandra Episodes one to three. 

THE FOLLOWING SERIES IS RATED 15 FOR BLOOD, GORE, VIOLENCE, SUICIDE, SEX AND NUDITY, WHICH WILL BE DOWNPLAYED,  DISCRIMINATION AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. THERE WILL ALSO BE A TRIGGER WARNING BEFORE A SCENE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING! DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Episode 1

A Fresh Start

We open with a Man Driving at night, Smoking a Cigarette with his radio at full Blast on a Heavily forested country road, until he uncovers a Traffic Accident. Panicking, he finds the Driver Slumped dead on The bonnet after being Forced through the Windshield.

K*LL COUNT:1

The Man is further Startled by a Bang on the back window, the man opens the car door to rescue a young woman and a newborn baby. He asks the victim what happened, and she points to something off screen, as the baby cries when the man turns to see a Robotic Body with a Screen for a Head.

Flash forward 50 years to now and a Family moving into a new house. Well, I say "new" I mean new address. The house they are moving into is a Retro Technology house, a style the mother is into....though there is another reason for the move. The Couple's children, a Teenage Son named Finn, and a young girl named Juno get out of the car to explore, only to see sheets covering the Furniture, Grasping a Teddy for comfort, Juno sees the landline telephone is disconnected and finds a elevator. Her brother finds Juno and frightens her a bit, before the mother, Sam, finds them both.

Sam exposits that this one of the first "Smart Homes"  before they went out of style. Explaining Further that every room has a TV screen in Communicado with An AI. Or would if the power was restored, hence the telephone being down. 

So Finn elects to switch the AI Server back on. However, this is not as simple as turning on WiFi, the House is powered by a Server more Akin to a Post war Calculation Engine. Finn is called away by his father, so he doesn't see the ominous blinking red light. 

Dad (David) tell Finn the actual AI is Fifty years old,  So he Doubts it will even work. But once they fix this place up it'll be like a mansion,  because David has found a swimming pool at a steal of a price.

"And I'm sure, This pool will not be used to k*ll  you!"

Finn Uncovers the home's Robot, the one that from the first scene in the woods, and curious about it, tries to fix it for his sister, Sadly it doesn't turn on. Sam and David Discusses that their Daughter suffers from Night Terrors. But David says it's time with all the changes to Adapt, though Sam does tell Juno if she has a nightmare to still come to her room.

Finn was a Semi-Professional Musician despite still going to high school. Sam unpacks two photo frames that she places On her bedsit, one of Juno, the other of her and a woman. Seeing this makes Sam cry as this person is the reason for this move, I'll get to why later. Sam cries if she is doing the right thing, but David reiterates this is a change for everyone to start over.

In the Middle of night the Robot Reactivates. This is Cassandra, the AI that Runs the Smart House. Cassandra Fits the Bill of a Malfunctioning Retro Robot, Bright Red, Six foot but can extend her neck to be taller and Whisper Quiet, it has a shocking presence, It's Sillouette looks like a Women in a long dress with the head being a outdated 3 band technicolor tv which is how she interacts physically with people. Interaction with Cassandra is jarring because it lags while it computes a command, as if you don't know if it's taking it's time to understand or feigning malfunction to calculate a move. And that's done by design. 

Cassandra, when she activates, calls out for a "Peter" she then does a systems check to regain control of the house, Her face materializes onto every screen in the house. In the kitchen every piece of Appliance Bends to her control. In the pool room, Cassandra finds A mouse, and Crushes it under her Wheeltrack.

K*LL COUNT: 2

Finally Cassandra does finishes her rounds in Juno's Room, Naturally the Child who suffers Nightmares starts screaming when a Seven Foot Vacuum cleaner with a TV for a Head appears from nowhere! The family alerted goes to Juno's room. Cassandra Explains she was only Following her Programming. The Shock quickly turns to excitement when Finn wants to tinker with Cassandra's Server to see what the Smart House can really do.

In the morning,  Cassandra wakes the Family with Singing at 6am....Which I'm sure doesn't get old real quick! In the Garden, Cassandra stands with Juno who had found the Dead Mouse. Gaslighting the Child that the Rodent died of old age, She Proposes they have a funeral for it. The Robot asks Juno if she's ever being to a funeral, the child tells the Robot the reason they Moved is because Aunt Cathy, the woman in Sam's photo, committed Sui**de.

Another Red Flag is Raised when Cassandra says Sui**de Happens when "Someone Dies Because they Are Weak!", Angering Young Juno. Seeing the Funeral at a distance, Sam is worried that Juno making friends with an Appliance is not what she envisioned. 

Juno Doesn't want to go to School and it doesn't help that Cassandra seems to undermine Sam as a mother. As David heads to work and drops the kids to school,  the car passes a Poorly Marked Traffic Blindspot.

At High School Finn's Class goes to a rocky Start when,  not only his he the only Black student in the village, but the teacher makes the mistake of pointing out he is a straight A student right on front of the class Top Dog, Steve, who is being punished for his tardiness by helping Finn catch up. As Sam tries the pool, Cassandra is using a Lawnmower function in the Garden.  That's when the robot's  blades mows into a large stone that flies through the air, and into the small of Sam's back. It's an accident for now,  but the lack of Compassion from the Program's Voice makes Sam Suspicious. 

Sam Learns David Commanded Cassandra to mow the lawn, Not Thinking this Accident was a possibility,  however the Robot did try to call a doctor and the blades only come out on Human Voice Command so that's something!

Meeting Juno's Teacher, she's worried that she'll need time to adjust, Especially after a family death. She suggests to the parents that Juno joins an after School Club. Meanwhile, under the naïve assumption Steve wants to study at his house,  Finn brings him to his home. The Planned Home Invasion will have to wait as Steve is shocked by Cassandra, who clams up when the bot is rude to her. Steve is p*ssed the fridge has no alcohol in it. Cassandra let's it slip the smart house has a bar Setting. 

David wants Juno to Join an After school class to have her back to her old talented self, But Sam is worried with the Club's Christmas show seven weeks away will only put pressure on Juno.

Meanwhile our two teen Meatbags find a Secret Bar Room that was blocked by Cardboard Boxes, Steve is Leading on Finn by pretending to be Gay, as free Bar or not, Steve came here with Bad Intentions. 

More Red Flags are Raised When Cassandra plays her Karaoke Mode and all the Song Lyrics she picks for Juno to sing all have decidely Yandere vibes. Cassandra praises Juno, but Cassandra Twists Sam's words to make her sound Like she won't let Juno join the music club.

Later at Dinner, Sam Learns Cassandra has Multiple Arm Attachments to help with cooking.

And no doubt she has one for tenderizing Dead Meat!

Juno wants to join the Music Club. Sam is worried for her Daughter, but she gets upset that her own mother thinks she is embarrassed by her!

In her Bedroom, Sam comforts her child saying she knows she is not a woman that can solve every problem, but nothing will ever happen that will make Juno think she has to become that person. Later Sam calls out David for pitting her against Juno, because of their private conversation, not realizing of course, none of their conversations have been private since moving here. Finn wants to make Twitter friends with Steve, only to learn he has already blocked him.

Sam while packing finds a lockbox full of Photo Slides. Finding a projector, She looks at Family photos of the previous family, the wife in the slides bares an uncanny resemblance to Cassandra, we see a flashback 50 years ago to the previous family, when Sam asks it who she was, Cassandra says nothing to answer the question.  When Sam retires for the night,  Cassandra watches the remaining Slides, and in a quick fit of anger, Causes the Entire living room to be set on fire by overloading electricity into the sockets, Concluding Episode 1!

Episode 2

"Who Am I?"

We open episode 2 with the aftermath of the fire Cassandra caused to cover up her past. After the Fire David Finds a wine Bottle, And Blames Samira ("Sam") For Starting the Fire, Cassandra Collaborates her logues to David to further Undermine Samira. But why is she like this?

Maybe the following flashback to 1971 will shed some light on the situation.

As Cassandra when she was alive,  looks at her Son Peter playing soccer as her husband Horst, A military scientist smokes and looks ashamed at his son. Cassandra Suggests that if Horst has time to light up, he has time to play with his son. Horst kisses his wife and jokes that "She Does Everything! "

However, Horst is a Toxic Male, and when he finds out the Boy was only a sub in a winning match, Horst answers Peter genuine appeal to not knowing why he isn't a Starter by assaulting Peter with a Soccer ball .

Peter Runs off with Cassandra in hot pursuit in the Rain into the Forest. We learn Peter is only on the Soccer team because of Horst's Financial Backing of the team, and boy, doesn't the rest of the team let him know about it on a regular basis, and riding it out to prove his worth is not yielding the results he wanted.

Back in the present, and it only took a week for Sam to Tire of Cassandra's Singing. In the Bathroom Juno is Brushing her teeth, as Cassandra gives her some Encouragement. 

David Drops Finn at high school when Steve arrives to Brown-nose his would be Burglary victims, Expositing that David is a Crime Writer,  it also turns out David's Books are less Holmes&Watson, and more Mills&Boon! Embarrassing Finn that his father's books are little more than Smut. Finn is Set up as a Cheater when has Steve has him do his homework, his leading on the Gay classmate working since the last episode. 

We now learn that Samira is A Sculptor, when she gets a face time call from her Therapist,  Mina, showing her the house and letting go her "Sister's" Death, telling her doctor that they use to fight and steals boys from each other. One time Cathy trapped her in a closet and that's why she has Claustrophobia. 

FORESHADOWING!

Here is where Mina says something really strange, something that does get explained away later,  But she says of Cathy "I'm glad you didn't meet her til much later" Which is a strange thing to say about a Sister....unless.....

Sam is Suddenly Startled by strange Radio noises.  Cassandra leads Samira to a pantry to get her some potatoes from a top shelf.

Forgetting that the Robot can grow an extra foot by Shifting her armour just a few days ago after showing her, Sam gets Trapped in a small space, like an Idiot! Cassandra swaps out a hand for a circular sawblade and cuts Bread while whistling to drown out Samira's pleads for help.

Back in Time, Human Cassandra is on the phone with Horst, who tells her will be working late, he also let's slip her has a female Secretary called Hilda. And whilst doing the Laundry, Cassandra finds red lipstick on her husband's shirt collar.

Fearing an Affair, Cassandra does a 180 on Peter leaving the Soccer team, Telling Her son you don't leave when things get difficult. She tells Peter he has to do better, but realizing she sounds like Horst, she Apologizes. So instead like the dutiful wife she is, she packs a stew into Tupperware for her Husband to Confront him about this affair. 

In the present, David Returns home and saves Samira from the locked Pantry. But Cassandra Cunningly deactivated the lock to make it seem like Samira was Hysterical. Looking right at the Android feigning concern, she smiles because she knows what Cassandra is up to.

Also Growing a backbone is Finn who is P**sed that Steve used him for straight As he could easily get on his own. It may seem like maybe Steve is in the closet and his feelings are Genuine.

Samira tells David, She told Mina about her Claustrophobia and David Comforts her and tells her to,  For the sake of their kids,  keep it a secret, to quote,  "not worry about it ". Samira almost corrects David by asking  "Not to Worry about...Who?"

In the 1970s, Human Cassandra goes to The Lab Horst works at to "Surprise " Her Husband with Leftovers with the intention of Discovering an Affair with his Secretary.  She uncovers there is an Affair going on with a lab tech and his secretary,  But running into a restricted  area when she is caught, she finds something much worse!

Unethical Animal Experiments to cheat death with Cyberization and Brain capacity download  as computer data. Learning Helga is a somewhat overweight woman compared to Cassandra, Horst smiles realizing the true crux of this visit, But if Horst is not having an affair with his coworker, then who?

Back in the present, David is annoyed his books have been criticised as borderline porn even being lauded by whatever the Literature version of the Razzies are (....And Somehow he didn't know this?) Cassandra Is Pitting the Parents against each other once again when she let's slip that David didn't buy any wine, making out he still blames Samira for the Fire. He doesn't get a kiss when Samira leaves for art Supplies. In the car, she calls Bose Realtors and Asks about Cassandra, But because Cassandra was only a wife in a generation the men claimed ownership, only Horst's details was kept on file. Samira sees Cassandra through the Rear view mirror. She gets a Forwarding address for a Peter Schmidt only to learn he is deceased. She drives off with Cassandra just staring at the car intently.

In Finn's bedroom, he and Steve are goofing off. Finn sings a song about his attraction to The Actor Tom Holland. Steve asks him if he misses the city. Finn says he won't have to, he's already 18, once he graduates he can go back. Steve comments that living here must be hard for "People like him". Finn corrects Steve by saying living in the countryside is hard "For People Like US!" That's when Juno comes in and wants to show off what she learned at Music Club.

With everyone busy with work or homework and Samira playing Detective, Juno is putty in Cassandra's interchangeable hands! 

Samira's Phonecall leads her to City Archives, finding 3 volumes of Horst Schimdt's life and career as a Researcher with a minor in Architecture.

We Cut to the Swimming pool being used to off a character, but it's Juno up for the chop...PSYCHE! Not even a horror this predictable would dare to k*ll a child as a twist! Cassandra gives Juno legitimate Swimming lessons. She makes it very clear that that Sculptor is a Nice Hobby for a woman, But "a Woman's Real Job is to be a wife and mother!"

Wow!

Horst should have rented this house to Andrew Tate!

Samira Finds Cassandra's Death Certificate,  Claiming she Died in 1972 from a Short Illness. She puts it all together, the car crash we saw in episode 1, the victim and Survivor were Horst and his paramour who he had a baby with. Cassandra meanwhile illuminates the pool with rainbow LED lights to protect Juno's feelings. 

As all this is going on, Finn and Steve are about to kiss when Cancelledbot nearly fries a circuit to announce Samira's Arrival.

At Dinner, things are less tense than what they were last episode. Though Juno is now schtum about what She did today after all she's tired showing Cassandra. So to lighten the mood, Sam sets a family game of Bottecelli, Juno wants Cassandra to play, So Juno Innocently writes "Mama" on a post-it note and sticks it on the Robot's screen head, using her cameras in the living room, she reads Samira's name and the automaton's plan to smear Samira's name commences by pointing out she is a drunk. When Cassandra asks "Am I a working woman" and Juno says no, Parroting what Cassandra said to her. Cassandra breaks the news about the Panic attack, causing  Samira to storm out, 

In David's office where his wife, Covering a screen. She tells him Cassandra is a lot more than Programming and Algorithms, What she just did was a planned and Deliberate Emotional Blackmail, she then shows David something outside, the traffic Blindspot and the names on the Crosses-Horst and Peter Schmidt. 

K*LL COUNT: 3

And the News report on the Car Crash, and whose front and centre, but Cassandra. Now, in the world that we live in, this would be enough to convince a smart person,  but remember, Genre Rules Apply here and David doesn't believe her, this is when it's finally revealed "Aunt Catherine " was in fact an Affair partner that Both Parents agreed on. 

In 1971, at a night out with a Neighbouring couple, the wife of the other couple, Birjette who we now know as the Survivor of the crash, reveals she is pregnant, as Horst stares at her. Cassandra Susses it out that she is the woman her husband is having an affair with, she cries then and there, with Birjette thinking they are happy tears. In the women's restroom. It's revealed Cassandra had a Stillbirth, a Symptom of her soon to be Terminal Illness. In no uncertain terms Cassandra tells her neighbour she knows,  Though it goes over Birjette's Head. And seeing her Friend with the same shade of lipstick only confirms it.

In the Future the Aftermath of the failed Game Night is Affecting everyone. Finn reaching out to Steve and Juno worried about Mama. As Samira tries to have a bath, Cassandra tells her everything she learned about her life is true, and the only reason she is telling her this, is that she's about to k*ll her! Locking her in the bathroom with the Robot body, Cassandra causes another panic to finish Episode 2 on a Cliffhanger. 

Episode 3

Endgame 

Rather than jump straight into the conclusion of the Cliffhanger, we see Finn face time Steve and comments his pajamas makes him look like Ebenezer Scrooge, while David is Reading A Scary Fairytale to Juno, Only to find she had fallen asleep whilst he read a violent and descriptive scene. 

Cassandra, Rather than kill Sam outright, instead decides to play with her food a little longer. So she alerts David to "Save" her from the bathroom, all the while, Sam screams to Shut Cassandra down, and Finn who also heard the Screams Shuts down the Server. Before the complete shutdown, Cassandra tries to make a grab at Juno. Naturally the Young girl is Traumatized. 

Samira tells David Exactly what Cassandra said before the attack and now he believes her...He didn't when there was photographic proof of the Robot in the forest at the same time as a crime scene....BUT NOW HE BELIEVES HER(!)

Wait, No, David decides to turn Cassandra back on,  because he's an idiot!

They turn see Finn who tells his parents that on the night Cathy Died, he couldn't sleep because of it, and he had a vivid nightmare of something banging his 9 Storey high bedroom, when he pulled over the curtain, there was Aunt Cathy screaming to be "Let Out", Finn Said Afterwards he picked himself off the Floor in a Cold sweat-Maybe this family just have a history of Sleep deprived waking nightmares.

Or maybe...Finn saw something he wasn't supposed to see.

In 1971, Human Cassandra is having her hair done at home, when Horst in Military Attire serves her some coffee. He let's her know, that Birjette (the woman he made pregnant) will be coming over this weekend, with both thinking the other doesn't know what they both know. Peter has a game tonight and it's the same time as the Government meeting.  Besides, his weak little second String son isn't worth his time! Cassandra tells Horst the Truth, that the team resents Peter for being the Financer's Son, so maybe use that influence to have Peter be a Starter for the match. 

And So Peter gets a Starting Spot in a Match where the winning team gets league promotion and there are Bundeslige and college scouts in attendance on the same day. 

It works as Badly as you think, with Horst leaving after Five minutes. 

After The Match, Peter Susses out His mother has a hand in this. But Maybe it's not so bad, afterall Some other subs come up and offer that they hang out in a supply shed to drink away the pain, He refuses the Underage Drinking because Mam is right there, But Cassandra Grabs Him and says it's one thing to fail, it's another to run from it! Cassandra calls over the boy's to tell them he'll be coming-AND WHAT CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Back in the Present Samira and David are in bed, it's another morning, only for Samira to learn from Hearing Cassandra's morning Song, that David Vetoed his wife's concerns and opted to put her Back in Therapy!

Though Finn is not as Naive as his sister or as stupid as his father! He wants his mother to call if Cassandra does or say anything to her, not if anything happens, but specifically involving Cassandra!

David is in the Swimming pool when he asks Cassandra for a towel, Samira's new Tactic is to flat out ignore Cassandra. The Duplicitous Device sees David Naked and She likes what she sees. Maybe David is starting to believe that Cassandra is more than Conversation Prompts and Algorithms, her screen is practically Fogged Up!

Finn tries to get Steve to admit publicly admit he's gay, But the reputation in the Town of Village will be destroyed If he did. Finn says there will be people who will Support this and they kiss.

In Therapy the Doctor gets to the Bottom of Cathy's death. And I'm Sorry, But that "I'm Glad You didn't Meet her til later" Line is really confusing me! Like We Know that Cathy/Samira/David had a Open relationship and the family knew of her, to the Extent that the children called her "Aunt" Cathy, But now Samira is telling this new Doctor she is her sister, which either means, she's only telling the doctor they are sisters and it's a lie, or THEY REALLY WERE SISTERS. AND IF THEY WERE REALLY SISTERS, THEN DOES THAT MEANS THE "DIDN'T MEET HER TIL LATER"LINE WAS A MISTRANSLATION FROM THE ORIGINAL GERMAN?

So the new Doctor tells her she is suffering from Self-Blame, She can't get Comfortable in this new house because Cathy k*lled herself in the old one. She needs to Be on The offensive and take Control of her life.

AND GODDAM DOES SHE EVER!

Samira lays down the law to the AI. Sure it''ll bite her in the a*s later and No doubt this is possible foreshadowing to Either Samira's attempted or actual Murder, But she tells her this is her House now, Cassandra  just cleans it! Whoever "Cassandra Schmidt" was, she's dead and this Robot is not her anymore! That It's Her who will comfort her Children and make love to her husband because she is a flesh and Bone Woman and Cassandra is just a machine!

Back in 1971, We see the results of Cassandra's Past Mistakes. First Horst used his Government Work as a Cover to see Birjette. Then she hears a car swerving outside at speed. Running out she sees her Son tossed from a moving Sedan into the street, Beaten up for Costing the team League Promotion, Professional fame and Scholarships. Cassandra Runs a Bath and tends to his wounds. She promises to keep it a secret from Horst, as calling the police will Ostracize the family against the whole town who only have The local Sportsball as a way out!

It turns out they did more than just beat up Peter, which is why Cassandra doesn't want people to know.

In the 21st Century, Peter has Writer's Block, So he's surprised to hear Cassandra Read his books, So YAY! David cops on that Cassandra is Sentient, But BOO! For David for using Cassandra for like a Parasocial ChatCPT! Especially when Cassandra says she wants to quote "Inspire Fantasies"

At High School, after ignoring Finn in a game of Basketball,  The Couple have their first fight, they kiss and make up but when someone walks in on them,  Steve Punches Finn in the mouth to Save Face. 

That night Juno sings for her mother, a night before the school play auditions. Juno is taking part but there is a more talented Girl called Emily who will no doubt take the lead. Samira Proposes to spite Cassandra for speaking, to have Christmas in the mountains this year, to starve the Egotistical Programme of Attention.  Then She Sees Finn with a Bursted Lip, and that's when Cassandra announces Steve is at the door.

Distracted by this, Samira leaves Juno with Cassandra,  Who sings to the robot, who locks the door and Bends the girl's ear on how to get the Part over Emily. 

"Have you ever Heard of Toyah Harding, Juno?"

"I'm Six, so....No~?

"GOOD!"

And the plan involves something hidden in The master bedroom floorboards, specifically "Under Mommy's bed'

In the past, because of the Trauma of the attack, Peter's Grade Suffered, And Cassandra has being to a parent teacher meeting.  Outside Peter has being Accosted by his 3 attackers, When The Ringleader threatens him with more to come, It looks like Peter will have to take action.

That night, Cassandra calls Peter For Dinner she made, despite the Oven being on the Blink. (FORESHADOWING FOR EPISODE 4!) Only to See Peter's Bedroom window open. Cassandra hears the front door open. Descending the Stairs, she sees Peter in the living room, standing with his back turned. When he does turn, Peter is covered in blood, and holding an Automatic Gun. Muttering that "He's Not a Victim anymore!"

K*LL COUNT: 6

In Finn's Bedroom, Steve Apologizes for Reacting wrongly, But Finn is Still Upset about being Punched, with Cassandra reacting in the background. Steve goes in for a Kiss, But Cassandra asks Steve to leave, with the monitors eying up the Teenager as he does. 

Samira Goes to the bedroom and sees the Bed has being moved, and finds a Picture of a Pregnant Human Cassandra, and a Young Peter.  Cassandra Robot is Chopping carrots when she pursues Steve with knife Attachments outside.  Samira Confronts Cassandra about Her past life's Miscarriage, meanwhile Robot Cassandra warns Steve to stay away from "Her Son'. As the Screen Glitches, Cassandra has a break down when challenged and the whole house deactivates. 

In the 1970s, Cassandra Demands her son to Strip and destroy the evidence of his murders. So she Drives to the Shed where the three players drink to remove the bullets from their bodies, Because for what Cassandra has planned, It's because Bullets won't melt in the fire she is going to Commit, and as she Drives away, she Happily Sings along to the Radio.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF SCHOOL SHOOTING!

Cassandra Reboots and Feigns ignorance. The next day at the Auditions, Juno Brandishes The Same Auto Peter used to K*ll, that Human Cassandra hid under the the floorboards of the master bedroom. The last thing we see is the School corridor, and the last things we hear in Episode 3 are Juno's Nervous singing, A Shot and People's Screams before the sound is cut by the Credits! 

And That will do it for the first 3 episodes. I'm sorry for ending this on a Cliffhanger myself,  but the last 3 episodes will be a option on the January poll on my Twitter account. Next month, a forgotten classic, Room.

CREDITS 

Cassandra Episodes One to Three were Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media from :

Cassandra

Merenghi's Darkplace

Cassandra was Produced by Rat Pack Films For Netflix.

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners. All Rights Reserved!

Eamonn Reviews Ghostbusters Frozen Empire

 Ghostbusters Rebirth was a return to form for the ailing franchise. 

I even said as much when I Reviewed Rebirth a couple of years back. A comeback from the embarrassing 3rd outing and also an Apology to both the fans and the late co star and Co writer, Harold Ramis.

So now, The Ghostbusters are back with a blend of Original cast and new blood to Continue Egon's legacy in new but Familiar Adventures in a new Century

.....And then We get THIS?!?

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR MILD HORROR, DEATH AND INNUENDO. SOME WORDS WILL BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

The Cover is a microcosm of the film's direction. It's too busy and focuses on the wrong characters.  Case in point on top, front and centre is Paul Rudd Standing next to Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray like he's a main character. 

THE WORST AVENGER IS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER!

No, the next Generation are, who spent all of Rebirth saving Rudd from being Vinz are relegated to smaller Headshots. Even the fist pump moment of finally seeing Janine getting in on the action as a Ghostbuster is given the smallest amount of space to an original cast member. Even our one shot villains are done dirty.  What? You didn't notice the Ice Demon and Kumail Nanjiani? Well trust me they're on this cover....Somewhere!

To celebrate 100 years of Colombia Films, this is one time I can't complain about The Studio screwing with the logo. 

A Quote by Robert Frost opens the Festivities in 1904, when the Firehouse was once that, Firemen charge a room at the Adventurer's Society, not to find Searing Flames, but  Freezing Cold. Tearing down the door with their axes, they find all those inside are already dead, their bodies impaled by icicles which in turn have Flash Frozen them, The Fire Chief Finds the only things out of place are a detached hand still turning the crankshaft of a Gramaphone  and the body of a Women in Arabic Costume holding a Puzzle Orb. The Woman's Corpse Jump Scares the Firemen, as the other corpses shatter as panels on the Orbs move Like A clockwork Rubik's Cube.

One Hundred and twenty years pass, And the Spengler-Gruberman Family have returned to New York....and they Just Flanderized the living hell out of these characters! Gary Gruberman (Rudd) is just annoying, Son Trevor Spengler (Finn Wolfhard) is a whiner and complainer, daughter Phoebe  (McKenna Grace), is just girl-Egon, mother Carrie (Callie Coon) who spent most of the last film realizing her children are capable to handle themselves, is now a complete Chi-Chi to Phoebe's Gohan! The family are chasing what Phoebe calls The Hell's Kitchen Sewer Dragon. We see Carrie has her moment to contribute as she Reveals a drone trap for capturing Flying Ghosts, causing thousands of dollars in collateral damage. As Exposition News tells us the Ghostbusters' return to New York has being financially bankrolled by former Ghostbuster member and Philanthropist  Winston Zeddemore  (Ernie Hudson). We also see the toys and song also existed in their universe, just in case you ask how did Winston get so Minted.

The Ghostbusters have to deal with a Familiar thorn in their side, Mr Peck. (William Atherton) Now mayor of New York City. Who because of Gary's lack of tact, not only does Peck finally hit the Ghostbusters with a Chemical Waste charge, but a Citation for Child Labour when he learns Phoebe is 15, and that Gary is not legally married to Carrie, so he is not legally Carrie's father, just her employer. 

Four Decades may pass, but the Firehouse is still a dump to live in, with Trevor treated as an unpaid repairman. Phoebe is angry that she's being benched, but the Law is the law.

Distracted by Family Strife and Gary and Mom bragging that they had Consummated whilst turned into Demon dogs, The Adults struggle when the Containment Unit strains under the Pressure of it's filled capacity  (A reminder that Ray more or less said every ghost was caught before the events of Rebirth)

Speaking of, we cut to Ray Stantz (Ackroyd) and "Podcast" filming a YouTube show called Possessed. Ray needs to reminded to say "Like and Subscribe"

"This Video is Sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends"

The show's Premise is people bringing in Supposedly Haunted items for Ray to Scan for Spirit Energy. Only for Podcast to smash non-haunted items with a sledgehammer, like a Antique Rolex. Because the Gen-Zer only knows what a clock is as a picture on his phone.

"The Hammer gets views, Bro!"

"We Need the Hammer! We Can't Compete with that Mr B**ch Guy who fakes Acts of Charity, Bro!"

Podcast has left "Dork-La-homa" as he put it under the false pretense of being in Space Camp. Phoebe had Visited Stantz' Bar to deliver Ectoplasm.  The Marshmallow Minis are Still Alive (Undead?) ....the Marshmallow minis are still here! Podcast treats their existence as pests. That's when a man walks into a bar and drops a box on the counter, this man's presence has scared the Minis as the man's identity is revealed to be....

Asian Rob Schiender!

The man (played atrociously by Kumail Nanjiani) wants to make bank by selling the Puzzle Orb McGuffin. So he sells the thing that will doom us all for $50! Asian Schiender Books it as it seems like Flames follow him. Janine (Annie Potts) tells Gary she'll contact Winston to get his Engineers to look at the Containment Unit, but there was never really a plan if the unit did reach Capacity. In the attic, Trevor finds the source of the Black Mould is actually Slimer and four Decades of food waste. Phoebe Is benched and Ray looks at the passing Ecto-1 with a smile. 

In a park, Phoebe sets up her Grandfather's Chess Set and pieces start to play against her. But instead of Egon's Ghost, it's a Ghost Woman (Emily Alyn Lind). 

This is Melody, the Ghost of a House fire victim, who is shocked that the young girl is so calm seeing her. During a game, The girl asks her what's the best and worst of being Undead.  Melody says the worst is not aging, the best is still being able to do things like beating Phoebe in chess. 

One of Winston's Engineers (played by British Comedian and Gameshow host James Acaster) runs a Diagnostic and it's bad news. The System is too old to contain Such Power. So with Janine and Winston in tow, it's time to reveal the fruits of the Zeddemore Foundation: A Bigger Headquarters.

Relocating into a Rundown Aquarium, Winston's money has been put into seeing Egon Spengler's Research reach the next level with Research into Parabiology, Parabotany and even Paranormal Sound Dynamics. There is another Surprise, Lucky has also came from Oklahoma to  New York.

What do you mean you don't remember Lucky?

She was The Waitress Trevor fell for, she got one shot in with a photon pack and was turned into Zuul after Zuul turned back into Carrie.

Y'KNOW, LUCKY!

So Lucky is a Trainee Ghostbusters training with a Glove shaped Photon Blaster

Winston goes and shows off the Aquarium's Mission Statement. It Specialises not in Ghost capture, but Spirtual Removing of Haunted Objects from Ray's Show that survives Podcast's Gallagher Act. As seen as Dr Lars Pinefield (Acaster) puts a Walkman into a booth connected to a similar booth by a tube. And they see the Spirit within vacuumed to the second booth and then trapped to be disposed into the new Containment Unit!

Phoebe asks if Organic Possession Removal is possible. Dr Lars says he's working on it. Winston Finally Shows off the new Containment Unit which Dr Stantz boasts it's "as Big as the Old West!" This leads to Gary and Ray to Ab-lib lyrics to "Home on the Range" but about ghosts!

Phoebe wanders off and sees what look like holding cells. Sure enough, that's what they are. Winston reminds us the Aquarium is a Research Facility, so they are researching a Spectre, a thing that projectile Vomits Ectoplasm, and, most dangerous of all, A poltergeist or "Possesser" as Mr Zeddemore calls it.

Thankfully the Glass is Charged with Positive protons to stop the red Spirit from Escaping. The Orb glows the same Red hue the Possesser is as ominous music plays.

So the Spengler-Grubermans Return to the Firehouse for the last few Days of it's tenure, The Ghosts on Site are to be moved to the new base. But Phoebe Is still depressed about Mayor Peck's Mandate. Gary goes to cheer her up but stumbles because he won't commit to say he's her "Stepfather "

It's interrupted with an emergency call, and Phoebe is left behind again, just as a second call for help comes in, and the only one left to help Phoebe... is Podcast

ONLY GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS!

At the Aquarium, Lars and Lucky tries to extract the spirit from the puzzle Orb. But the power is too great as it blows the generators, a Spectral jailbreak is thwarted when backup power kicks in, but touching the Orb, Dr Lars' right arm gets frozen before he forces himself to drop the Orb.

In a Diner, Phoebe finds Melody. And because it's doesn't take five seconds to say "She's my Friend " or "Don't worry,  she's harmless", she doubts herself and causes damage to the diner,  which turns out to be the ghost's namesake. 

Later Melody turns up at the Firehouse and she and a lonely Phoebe hang out. Melody is tempted to switch off the Containment Unit, but she ponders what's it like on the other side.  Phoebe tells her she saw it happen, when her Grandfather's Spirit passed on. She theorises that once a ghost's particles split, they become part of the Greater Universe. The Ghost of a house fire victim takes out a box of matches she is anchored to. And yet she wonders why she has not passed on.

Melody Disappears when Carrie calls for her Daughter. At the Aquarium something calls from the Orb, as it shakes In place, in the warm Summer night air, A flurry of Cold winds freezes buildings and fountain water, the frost gets into Melody's vicinity and says something in a foreign language, Melody tells the frost "I'm Going as fast as I can " and asks "Does it have to be her?"

 NEVER MIND THAT SH*T, HERE COMES SLIMER!

Trevor wants to do what the fandom wanted to do for years, and that's to k*ll Slimer, but the Wile E Coyote act only ticks the mascot off! Mom calls down Phoebe to the Cellar to the shocking sight of the wall around the Containment Unit torn like it was slashed by an animal, Icicles hanging from Support Girders.

At the Aquarium, Dr Lars with his frozen arm in a sling tells the others, the Orb's temperature is now absolute Zero, as Flames no longer effect it. Whatever is sealed within, it's made to Kill. He also shows the Orb's Spirit is now Directly affecting the Behaviour of other ghosts, in the same way a pack of wolves would fall in line in the presence of the Alpha. While Distracted by the Marshmallow Minis Enthralled by the Orb, Noone is none the wiser to the Frost Disarming the Possesser's Cell and it resting in Podcast's Filming gear. So they need to investigate. Which means more Asian Schiender. 

I don't know where the crew found this Guy who plays Nadeem, but clearly it's a place with no Acting Schools. Or Some Crappy, less than "Marvelous" Show that was Hidden behind a Mickey Mouse Paywall!

Also, there is being a Flat Character, there's Flanderization, and then there's full on Racial Stereotyping. As the only Indian American in the Entire film is a Greedy Peddler who nearly sold religious statues that are not his to sell for $5.

Seriously,  the only thing missing is a turban and a Bed Of Nails!

In a Backroom where the walls are Galvanised with Bronze, there are Indian trinkets and artifacts that are made or cased in Brass are Displayed around the same Arabic Costume we saw in the first scene, as well as a pair of Twisted Antlers, who Nadeem explains once belonged to his great grandmother. Dr Lars explains Brass is believed to be used as a Magical alloy used to seal wicked spirits. Scanning Nadeem with the PKE Meter, Nadeem's signal is stronger than it should be-Meaning we have to see more of him, Oh Joy, oh bliss!

Phoebe asks Ray has he ever thought about being a ghost. Stantz smiles and says that's why he loves the Paranormal.  That's when Podcast interrupts by proclaiming his video of the Orb has messed up audio. But no, the Orb is speaking in some kind of language, but Ray knows a Certain Someone who can help as the retired Ghostbuster and the two teens go on an investigation on the Ecto-C, a Motorbike and Sidecar.

It's not Peter.

We DO See Peter Venkman in the next scene but he's not who Ray is gonna see.

Nadeem is examined by Dr Peter Venkman (Murray) in a Psychological test. After stealing one of Bill's Jokes, He throws a pen at Nadeem at his face! In his anger, the bunsen burner Lucky was working with Ignites even higher. Peter gets on the slacker's nerves as Flames reacts to anger and sarcasm. 

The colleague of Ray is Hugh (Patton Oswalt) a Folklorist In the Cellar of the Library. Who narrates over a nice piece of stop motion using stone tablets that the demon sealed is Named K'Raka, an Embodiment of fear who helped a South Asian Conquerer. When said Conquerer grew Paranoid over his otherworldly General, K'Raka was bound, tortured, had the source of his power-his horns-rended and his soul freed from it's mortal shackles, making the Sound they heard, a spell he cast as this was happening was a Curse on every living thing: The Death Chill- The Fear of Morality weaponized into a frost so cold it freezes where you stand, the fear of dying feeding it's power further.

"The last thing you see before you die, are your own tears freezing your eyes shut!"

But Hugh Continues- K'Raka was Defeated by travelling Asian Mages called the Firemasters who through mastery of Fire Manipulation and Metallurgy sealed the ice Demon in the very Orb they possess. 

Which means you've already figured out how Nadeem fits into the film's endgame!

Stu shows the Ghostbusters something that'll help, The Very same wax Phonograph Cylinder from the Adventurer's Society from scene one, but as the chant plays on the Gramaphone, the Possesser makes it's move possessing the Wax cylinder. Possessing a trashbag the wax item dropped into as it runs into a polluted New York city street. But the two elderly Paranormalists spy the bag on the feet of a stone lion, what happens next is pretty Obvious but something we wanted to to see for years: seeing the stone lion coming to life!

Phoebe destroys the stone lion to save Ray and Hugh, But it's seen as Destruction of State Property and a Flagrant Rejection of a Mayoral Order. This gets Phoebe arrested, and Peck branding the Busters as menaces, the Firehouse is condemned (It already was!), the packs are to be melted down to scrap, Carrie and Gary pay  Phoebe's bail, but she lashes out, calling her mom an idiot and reminding Gary he's not her father! Gary give Phoebe a reality Check. 

In the same vien, Winston gives Ray one too, that his Enthusiasm for the Paranormal and youthful spirit has gotten others into trouble once again, but this time children may have being killed.

Arriving Home, the Mayoral office worked fast, the gear is already gone save for Personal items, which the parents start packing. Gary suggests they keep fighting...by quoting the song. Yes they established the song exists in this universe, and the series has become self referencal, BUT COME ON SON! This is just Corny!

And why would the Ghostbusters be Finished,  when Winston has enough money to make the Ghostbusters a privately funded company if he wanted to?

So what we feared is true: Nadeem is a Mary Sue, The last of a line of magical protectors who Ray is going to train in the use of magic to save the world, after all it's his fault the world will freeze to death over $50!

Now that the Asian Peddler sees for himself he has real powers to save the world he let's out what we are all thinking. 

"I think we are going to die!"

Gary knocks on Phoebe's door to give her some encouragement, not knowing she has ran away into Melody's (and K'Raka's) influence. The forlorn girl is convinced by Melody to use Dr Pinefield's Spirit Extractor on Herself to make herself a ghost to ease her guilt, if only for 2 minutes.

Quicker than you can say "PG version of Flatliners", Phoebe is now a ghost and the lynchpin to K'raka's Plan. The Orb can control Ghosts but needs a Human Voice to chant the words on the Wax Cylinder. The words now learned from the cylinder, K'Raka controls Phoebe's soul to Puppet her body to complete the chant. Melody only did it as K'Raka told the suspected Pyromaniac only he can open the door to the other side to see her family, without the pain of atomizing into nonexistence. Pieces of the floating Orb fall away into a perfectly round ball of shadows. With the sound of a popped balloon, the nebulous ball expands to encapsulate the now awakened Phoebe. A Booming Voice in Whisper tells her the world will shatter with echoes broken bones and Ice, Lucky comes into the lab all guns Blazing when K'raka Solidifies into a Tall Demon of Ash and Frost, but a Simple push from his hand causes the impossible: He made Photon Energy Freeze!

We cut to Carrie and Gary in Ecto-1, A flashback showing us they found Phoebe and Lucky still alive but Freezing from the cold, Phoebe apologizing for keeping both Melody and her own mental Health a Secret. Phoebe Is told she's not in trouble, but Lars disagrees, we are ALL IN TROUBLE! K'raka kills a vape shop owner solely because his shop is called Firemaster, he then breaks into Nadeem's Flat and Regains his horns from the Brass walled room, who reattaches them, and this I like, the Animation of the Horns reattached looks like Stop-motion with the sudden Janky Motions. A very nice touch.

We get the scene that was in the Trailer, the Death Chill attacking A beach Front before heading back to new York.

Ray tells the Spengler-Grubermans that K'raka is heading back to the Firehouse. Thanks to Phoebe's little Adventure to the Library, the plan to extract ghosts from the Containment Unit was Postponed, and with every ghost ever caught, K'raka would have an Army.  Luckily Dr Pinefield has new Zeddemore Foundation Brand Packs and Traps, Should Nadeem Turn tail at the very last minute. 

But Phoebe has an idea, if Brass is the key then She is going to Galvanise the Nickel/Zinc igniting panels of the pack to hopefully damage K'raka the same way the Firemasters did, Sadly they can only spare one fire pole and still have the Firehouse function without it, so there's only enough Brass coating for 1 Photon Pack, so she decides since it's all her fault, she'll Wield the new Experiment,  Also Janine Helps, then Peter Turns up and uncovers some hidden Scotch. Now it's a party!

The Possesser in a Child's Tricycle Starts the Proceedings by possessing Ecto-1 to get to Lucky's Blaster, But Nadeem Fire masters the Photon back at it as Podcast smashes it with a hammer, after all, the Hammer gets views, Bro! And if Nadeem can be useful, so can Slimer,  The Possesser controls a Pizza and Scrappy Slimer Doo Eats it. At the same time,  Lars get's puked on by the Puker. Thanks For flying all the way from Britain, James, that's your final contribution to the film.

Phoebe ventures into the basement to get revenge on Melody and K'raka, as Ice breaches the Containment Unit, but then....

(SIGH!)

Down a Firepole, Dressed in his great grandmother's brass Armour is Nadeem who embarrassed himself and would have caused the deaths of every Ghostbuster not named Phoebe. Once again a Interdimensional Rift Spills into our world via the roof of the Firehouse.

So let's Finish this!

Phoebe comes out with her Modified pack who in a Big Dahm Heroes Moment, but the Demon is too powerful,  that's when Melody's Chronic Backstadder Syndrome kick in, and she uses her last match to provide a source for Nazeen to Mary Sue his way to victory! With the ice melting one by one the other Ghostbusters help with the capture. But when Podcast unleashes the drone trap from Ecto-1, he's swarmed by mind controlled Marshmallow Minis. The trap crashes, But seeing the breach in The Cracks of  broken ground, Ray tells all the original cast they don't need a trap, a Factory reset of the Containment Unit will Suffice. It will recall everything, including K'raka whose feeding off Everything. Carrie and Gary joins the fray to help their daughter. As it takes all the original cast's strength to manually reset the Containment. The ground swallows up K'raka,  who ends up in the Unit. K'raka is Defeated. And with her last match used, Melody passes on. Ice melts as quick as it appeared and people come to cheer the Ghostbusters despite them not being front and centre to the Threat just know. Mayor Peck arrives to publicly Shame The Heroes, only for Winston with cameras in Mayor's face, trick him into reinstating Phoebe. The Hell's Kitchen Sewer Dragon escapes, Phoebe calls Gary "Dad", and so as Ecto-1 Drives into the fray, we get a Subtitle that reads "For Ivan" in Tribute to Director Ivan Reitman after the Song and credits, we see In the Stinger scene some Marshmallow Minis stealing a Truckload of Stay-Puft Marshmallows-Enough to make a Giant Marshmallow Man, Maybe?

THIS FILM IS NOT AS BAD AS 3, BUT IT'S STILL BAD!

After the Success and Goodwill after Afterlife, it felt like this was the Surge back into relevance for this franchise (NOT THAT IT EVER WENT AWAY! Thanks to HBOMAX AND DISNEY PLUS means WB and Disney can Hoard their I.P.s Like Smaug, and the TV companies only have Dreamworks and Sony children's film to call on, meaning in recent years, you could watch Ghostbusters on Christmas Day on both The Irish and English State Run Tv channels just like it was the case last year!)  

But then this film happens and all the characters we got to know in the last film, are not the same in this film, Gary I could do without, Carrie regressed back into coddling Phoebe after learning to let go, Podcast is just a  Zoomer Stereotype with no personality,  And Trevor is now A unpaid civvy and Slimer's new Punching bag. 

But let's talk about Phoebe. 

After being benched, she responds to the changes in the family dynamic and her feeling of inadequacy with...let's call a spade a spade...with Thoughts of Sui**de! After meeting Melody. 

But this could have being done better, if they did more with Emily Lind's character. 

Don't believe me?

Well, consider this.

Imagine if they expanded on Melody's story, that she is the victim of a house fire, bound to a box of matches. What if Phoebe goes through the records after being friends for a while, learns the truth, or at least, what the papers at the time reported as the truth, that Melody started the Fire, but she doesn't remember, they have a falling out which leads to Melody being tempted by K'raka, after learning from Phoebe there is no Heaven, and, feigning remembering the truth, tricks Phoebe into the booth, after she's being having these thoughts on being a ghost, and then the endgame as it played out.

But no like I said above, the wrong characters get screen time. Rudd was a Demon dog for half the last film, and now he's the defacto new  leader? Of the 4 new characters, only one of them gets put on the poster. Not our new Ghostbuster played by James Acaster,  Who I assume like Urzilla Carlson In Kinda Pregnant, was only hired because tv stars from other countries are considered "Cheap", as long as you tell them this will help them "break America", or Emily Lind as A unique plot Thread, Or Patton Oswalt as Hugh, a character that fits so well, that if you told me Hugh was Ray's brother, I'd believe it. No we get on the cover Kumail Nanjiani, who is just annoying to see and cringeworthy to listen to.

They are good things in this film that makes it good to watch at least once! The effects are great. There were nods to the original film now that they were back in New York, Like the return of Walter Peck as the Grudge bearing Mayor, and Librarian Ghost which was never captured.

But without appealing main characters, good humour and a compelling Story to tie it all together, this film just doesn't work!

It's better than 3, I give you that, but so what?

CREDITS

Ghostbusters Frozen Empire was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from:

Friday

Ghostbusters Frozen Empire 

The Wizard

JonTron

Blazin' Saddles

Ghostbusters Frozen Empire is property of Colombia Films which is parented by Sony. 

All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners. 

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

I've decided to make Cassandra my Halloween special, so will be the First four episodes next month. And we'll see if we can get the rest of the series finished in future polls. 

Eamonn Reviews Leave the World Behind

Welcome to Bogger Box office. I am, Once Again Eamonn Bermingham, The Journeyman Reviewer. Reader's Poll Results time again and I'm looking forward to this one!

I'm not going to mince words, I'm struggling to have new ideas when it comes to storylines. (I think I'll just keep them as a device to group ticket to hell together.) So in the months I'm not reviewing wrestling over at Enlightened Towers, I'll be going in blind with a review of a Netflix Original. 

However A big-cast slow burn Psychological Horror done by 3 indie Studios?

Sign me up!

So lets pack our bags, turn off your Phone (Forever!) And Hope you Reach your Destination, as you Leave The World Behind.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR VIOLENCE, DEATH,  INJURY DETAIL, THREAT, DISCRIMINATION AND LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

Promotional Art is a Scene from the movie.

The Movie opens with the sun shining upon the world, As tense Piano keys jangle. The Sun rises on New York. A day that Seemingly will Start like any other. 

Except this is the day, Amanda Sandford (Julia Roberts) has Impulse bought a last minute Holiday for her Overworked and Stressed out husband Clay ( Ethan Hawke), who fears for his job amid company wide Budget cuts. Clay likes the idea of a Vacation out in New York State, but to have it, right now? But that's when his Advertising Executive wife tells her Speculative Fiction writing husband that when she booked it earlier this morning, she looked out the window to see everyone in the city already going to work to make something of themselves, but then the wife does a 180 and says people who do that think they are better than her and that she "F**KING HATES PEOPLE!"

We get Opening Sequence that's Animated to look like A Screensaver of Spoiler items as Drake sings out-WAIT A MINUTE? BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA ARE LISTED AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS?

We Suddenly come back to Amanda Title dropping on a Speakerphone call in transit to the Hamlet their Rented Home is (Yes Rented home, not Resort they own. That was a mistake Made by a TV listings magazine That suggested this movie) The Sandford Family which also include a 15 year old son named Archie and a 13 year old Daughter named Rose. All four are too dependent on their devices to enjoy the nature around them. Rose's device acts up as she was watching Friends and she asks if she can go to Central Perk when they get back to NYC. Clay breaks the news to her that Friends is not real, it's a TV show!

This is actually a Mislead to make us believe that this is going to be a "World is a Simulation'" plot. Something that's dropped a few times, especially when Clay explains his work. Which will make the ending a lot more sadder, when I get there.

PART I THE HOUSE

The Sandfords park their car and enter their Rental Home, A Well Kept, if Minimalistic two Storey Chateau, the Kids waste no time in raiding the Swimming pool as Amanda reads up on the Contract and Explores the house. 

Getting Groceries in the Neighbouring Hamlet of  Fort Comfort, Amanda gets dirty looks from a man played by Kevin Bacon, who's filling his truck with Canned food and bottles of water.

Don't mind him, Jools, he's just mad his voice over job in the UK means John Hamm took his place as The new 6 Degrees Actor-Man!

Clay is a Secret smoker which he denies when Amanda presents a pack of 20. But Amanda says he's on holiday,  he can enjoy a smoke, just not in front of the kids. 

The Sandfords next stop is an overcrowded polluted beach, where Rose sees a Boat on the Horizon and is frightened that it seems to be coming towards the beach....very slowly!

The family sleep in the sun, except Rose. And sure enough, the Oil Tanker has made its journey close to the beach as Tourists look on, However Worried that the tanker will not stop, The Sandfords gather their kids to escape what may be a Disaster. Thankfully no-one is hurt because of the tectonic speed of the Tanker.  The police evacuated the beach where an officer exposits that beachings like this have being widespread recently due to glitches in Navigation Software. 

Back at the House, All Technology is Acting up, But the kids are back in the pool, Ambivalent on what they saw "Like it's onto the Next Episode". In the garden the Parents spot two deer in the Treeline, No doubt the first victims to feed humanity during the Robot Apocalypse!

That night, there is a knock on the door. Fearing Robbery, Clay arms himself with an Art Decor Vase as a Baseball bat, only to see a man in a Tuxedo and his young daughter. He introduces himself as George (G.H.) Scott (Mahershala Ali), A Philharmonic Violinist and his daughter Ruth, Who Only had corresponded with Amanda via email, so she doesn't know what he looks or Sound Like, he tells a Story that Brooklyn has suffered a Blackout and with a Knee Injury and elevators out, G.H. couldn't climb to the 45th floor. The story is somewhat unbelievable, I mean why drive from your home to your second home, one you know is occupied? And we don't see a cast on George's leg. It also doesn't help Ruth is At Best an Elitist or at worst Rac*st towards White people.

G.H Scott tries to refund Amanda and Clay, but it's the middle of the night and she's not waking her children to leave, but George has a remedy, he Unlocks A hidden drawer in the wine cooler and gives Clay an Envelope with $1000. The Audience Is also shown there is a handgun  in said drawer.

In the Main Bedroom, The Sandfords argue, Amanda convinced that the Scott's are the Help who are here to Rob a family of Strangers in a scam. Clay trusts them since they seem to know their way around.

Heading back into the kitchen, Amanda is Greeted by the strange sight of G.H making enough cocktails for everyone, which Clay readily grabs. Amanda flatly asks for G.H's identification, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY? But it seems George has left it in his other coat pocket! Amanda is about to call him a liar, until a loud noise startles her, the TV is working again. However, the National Emergency Signal Plays on all channels. So it looks like G.H's story is true. So Clay offers the Scotts to stay, hoping things look better in the morning. And that's when the Sandford's Interrupted game of Jenga topple over

SYMBOLISM!

The Scotts take the Cellar for the night, however it looks like G.H is a lot more than a simple Fiddle Player, when Ruth asks her father about "The Client". Upstairs Amanda is boiling over Ruth's attitude towards her. She is still not convinced the Scotts are not what they say they are, since they're no photos of them in the house. (WHICH AS A RENTAL, SO NO, THERE WOULDN'T BE!) They didn't tell anyone about the Oil Tanker as it Doesn't seem like it's connected,  but Amanda is afraid it would confirm that it's all related somehow. For a Brief Moment, the TV news briefly returns to warn of a cyberattack, only for the screen to turn static.

PART II THE CURVE

The next day, Rose wakes Amanda to fix the TV.  The Gen-Zer no doubt never seen Static before. Grabbing her phone, Amanda sees news updates about Nationwide hacking until the messages disappear. Clay gets an earful when it seems like Amanda fells like he doesn't believe her. Amanda tries to explain the Scott situation to Rose, but she doesn't care, she just wants to watch Friends. Clay is going into town to buy a newspaper to explain all this, Rose goes into the garden to see a Dozen or so deer just staring at her.

Amanda decides after Hearing that Ruth is an Unemployed Trust Fund Baby who insults her job, her age and the working class in General, she has decided, that she definitely,  HATES THIS B***H!

G.H. acts nervous when Ruth tells her father about the News Alert Amanda got about Hackers. Amanda Suspicions grows when G.H.  shows knowledge of the Real life "I-LOVE-YOU" Virus in 2000.

Ruth is worried about her Mother who is currently abroad in Morroco. George is hopeful that she is on a Redirected Flight, acting the Karen somewhere in Ohio.

Clay drives on an abandoned road. We cut to Ruth opening a Secret safe room covered in family photos to vape in. George checks on his neighbours home which seems abandoned. None of his messages to his wife have being received. He picks up his gun which was resting on a how to play violin manual for beginners-Something a Philharmonic Violinist should not have.

We get three slow burn reveals at the same time, cutting back and forward to build tension. G.H. investigating  wet decking on the neighbour's house, Rose and Archie going into the woods to find deer. Clay finds a panicked immigrant who speaks only Spanish. G.H. finds a walkie talkie in a House Gutted through the garage with no car to be found. The kids find a Secret bunker in the woods and break into it. Each of them find something disturbing to end the scene. Archie makes out the bunker points to exactly Rose's window to scare his sister, who bumps her head from Archie's prank. G.H finds a Mummified body in beach sand before seeing dozens of bodies on the beach. And Clay sees in town a Drone Dropping hundreds of Blood red Pamphlets onto his car. 

G.H Scott can't believe his eyes. EVERYONE IN TOWN IS DEAD! And now a plane crashes out of the sky, George covered in seawater by the impact he dodged.

G.H returns and lies about what he saw to Ruth as the protective father he is, Making her leave so she can fetch him a change of clothes. G.H confesses somewhat to knowing more than a Concert Violinist should know. That's when a Piercing screech rings out causing pain to all the humans.

THE SCREEN TURNS BLOOD RED!

PART III THE NOISE

After Regaining their Facilities, sometime later, everyone starts playing the blame game. Amanda sees through G.H's protecting his daughter, and Ruth plays the Race Card. Amanda remembers Seeing Kevin Bacon buying water and tinned goods. Turns out G.H knows him as Danny, a Contractor who's worked on his house before. 

Clay returns, Shaken from what he saw. He had picked up a Pamphlet which the drone was dropping. We now see it's a symbol of a snake and some Arabic Text. Archie knows it says "De**h to America " because he plays Call of Duty.

The Sandfords try to leave for New Jersey, but George thinks there is something wrong with all this. If this was a Terrorist attack they would be dropping Manifestos in English. No, this feels like a cover up. Amanda wants to leave for her Family's safety and Ruth's not exactly sad to see as she Puts it "Those People" leave.

As they drive towards the State line, Rose hears Sirens. Up ahead is a Blockade of Electric cars, All Abandoned. Amanda discovers all the cars are brand new Teslas fresh from a dealership.  That's when another self driving car, joins the Blockade, then another, then another Tesla joins the Blockade that stretches for miles!

Told ya Muskolini was Creating Weapons for The Tiny handed Tyrant!

The Sandfords return to the Summer home and it's only gonna get worse!

PART IV THE FLOOD

The rain hits the holiday home as everyone is Distraught, but with Archie p**ving on secret bikini pictures of Ruth, and Ruth sharing her Mara***na vape with Clay. The two families are slowly bringing out the worse of themselves.

George Reveals that he is in fact, not a spy, or government agent, but a banker, a banker who may have dealt with the Illuminati as his clients. But G.H tells the Story about how his client would profit from causing WW3 In a Jokey manner, causing Amanda not to believe him.

Rose Wakes up Archie, because she's still Upset she may never find out how Friends Ended. More Irritated on being Woken up than anything, Archie tells his sister rightfully that she should start caring about Real Things. Rose says she'll about to do something to get what she wants! 

Back at pookside, Clay tells Ruth about the Mexican Woman who begged him for help, he then tells her finally about the Oil Tanker Beaching itself. To add to the Confusion, Flamingos land and nest onto the surface of the pool.

WHAT KIND OF STRONG SH*T IS IN YOUR VAPE, RUTH?

In a music room, Amanda and G.H are Dancing to Records that leads to a slow Dance. To stop this from being a seduction, G.H backs up, and expresses that he loves and misses his wife, even though he is very certain that she is Dead. It's possible in the eyes of Amanda, this is the only time G.H has being truthful.  Amanda tries to comfort him, but then the noise returns.

When it stops, hours have passed. The Sandfords share a bed for warmth. Archie had contracted a fever. Rose using a plot from the West Wing as an Analogy as a roundabout way to say she's done waiting for answers. In the spare room, the Scotts also share a bed for warmth, but Ruth continues to drive a wedge between both Families, why do THEY have the main bedroom in THEIR House? She also admits that she is a Ra***t, the Possibility of being the only Black people on Earth playing heavy on her mind. 

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRUESOME SCENE

We see an Eclipse from the Surface of the moon, The next morning Archie wakes with his fever broken, but then he spits up blood and pulls his teeth out from his own mouth.

CHAPTER V

THE LAST ONE

After seeing this, Archie says he had a Bug bite yesterday. G.H says it's no doubt Lyme Disease.

Lyme Disease may Contribute to weakened gums that may lead to tooth loss but this is usually years down the road, not 12 hours after the fact.

With the Expressway Jammed with Eejit-lon's E-cars, The only way to the Emergency Room is blocked, that is, if there is even Anyone else there, But G.H has a plan. If Danny is still alive, if he's every bit of the Tinfoil hat that he thinks he is, he's sure to have medical supplies.

But of course, if things can get worse, then they get worse, as now Rose is Missing! With now being the time Archie tells the adults about the bunker they found. Archie Vomits more blood. And the men take him to see Danny, George telling Ruth to stay at the House and relay the message to Amanda. Ruth panics that what's happening to Archie is just the first of whatever God has sent to finish them. But George tells her to set a timer for one hour on her phone, promising to be back by then.

The two women find the bunker, and nothing else, so they start back at each other's throat.  Ruth cries because she knows her mother is dead and she will never know where. But she asks Amanda why she is the way she is. She says as an Advertising Executive, she sees Greed and Jealousy on a regular basis. And it sickens her. Humanity Disgusts her. "We F**k each other over, we've F**ked the Earth over and we think it's fine now because we drink from paper straws and order Free Range Chicken"

Ruth tells her they may be the only ones left. That's when they hear quickening footsteps and something runs by the window at speed, the men drive to Danny's house, passing a home where Rose is looking out the window watching George's car drive past.

Danny is curt with his neighbours and meets them with a shotgun. He tells him Archie's Symptoms, compounded with the Noise, Points to Microwave Weaponry, it'll explain the noise and the rising heat to occupy flamingos and possibly the fever. But Danny Refuses to help, not even the 1000 dollars Clay has will Sway Danny. Amanda finds A bike Trail and turns towards the Bunker to see Deer, Hundreds of them just staring at Ruth, Surrounding her. Danny Raises his Gun at G.H But he refuses to leave. Amanda returns to Ruth to scream the deer away. Back at Danny's, Clay pleads with the money saying he's nothing but a Useless, selfish man without his Technology, but he will feel even worse if his son dies of something curable. The Deer Run off and Danny gives Clay some Medicine. Clay shows Danny the Pamphlet and he laughs, saying he has a friend in Sacramento who saw a similar event and those Pamphlets were in Korean. Or Maybe Chinese, the fact is, his buddy served on the Gulf and he knew that writing was not Arabic.

Back With the Two Women, Ruth sees something in the distance something that stops her in her tracks. G.H Wants to find the Bunker Danny mentioned. Because it seems like George has Realized his client has underwent his 3-Step plan to profit from overthrowing the government. He explained his friend went over in detail on how he would do it. 1) Disable all Communications 2) Miscommunication on the identity of the supposed enemy and then 3) with everyone confused, Civil war and Collapse will surely follow. The Timer on Ruth's phone echoes as the 2 women see New York is being Destroyed by this Civil war. Time Really is Up.

 And so the film ends on the cruelest of Notes. In the house where Danny says there's a Bunker with the voices of everyone screaming Rose's Name. Rose had broken in,  Ate the Neighbours food and explored the house. Ignoring a screen telling her that Radiation outside is increasing, Rose finds a Tv hooked up to a DVD player with a library of tv show box sets. Finding Friends last season, Rose selfishly screws over her family to no doubt contract radiation poisoning in the forest just so she can watch A Sitcom.

 

"A BIT RICH, BUT OK!"

Actually, More than Ok! Suspenseful, Nicely Acted with Nuanced, Morally Grey characters that felt real, You may Cringe at the Blackhearted Nature, But Hopefully it may never happen, but Greed and Self-Preservation has happened in times of war. Despite my Tv listings magazine getting the plot wrong, this was still a great recommendation to get. 

The Ending may just be the Cruelest Ending of all with a point to Prove, The Next Generations if we are not careful, will inherit our selfish nature and will not be equipped to deal without help. The Last scene shows that point. She's the only one who will not get poisoned, but now she'll inherit a world beyond her understanding, and unwillingness to learn. She finally got what she wanted...and once the show is over....She'll pay for it!

A Chilling Film, Which I Hope doesn't turn from Science Fiction to Documentary before 2029!

From a Realistic Apocalyptic Threat, to One a bit more Light-hearted. Join me next Month when we find out what the hell went wrong With Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire!

CREDITS 

Leave The World Behind was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham, with Media from:

Leave The World Behind 

Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Sakura Miko's playthrough of Detroit: Becoming Human representing Hololive. 

Doctor Who.

She-ra Princess of power 

Michael Rosen performs "The Hollywood" 

Leave the World Behind was Produced By Esmail Corp, Red Om Productions and Higher Ground Productions.

All Rights Reserved. All Media used Belong to their respective owners. 

THE FAT AND TASTELESS FILMS OF AMY SCHUMBER: KINDA PREGNANT

 Wow, One of you really want me to Suffer, Don't you?

With a 100 percent rating of just one vote, and I hope I can do better next month! I've regrouped, I'm dwelling on this no longer and I'm moving on with this review.

I have not being looking forward to this!

I made it clear, like most people, I don't find Amy Schumber funny. In fact I find her Crass and Puerile and one note, especially when it comes to 90 percent of her humour being about the more "Intimate" parts of a woman.

Hell, TMZ and all those on-the-spot reporters showed us she can't even tell an original joke, as she has being accused of stealing jokes. 

But we are the Hutt's Wheelhouse. Waist high in a realm of Rude, Crude and Man-hating attitude. As Schumber fakes a Pregnancy to have nice attention for being overweight, not one sided scorn from "Normies" 

Yeah...they hate you because you're fat, Sure! That's the only reason people hate you.

The Promotional Artwork is Rotten! Ignore that it's a white void with women standing at awkward angles looking angry and or uncomfortable with pregnancies, Front and Centre with the only pop of colour that draws the eye is Amy's Pink dress and a fake belly, dropping a milk bottle like it's a hot Mic, as if the dross we are about watch will bring Societal Change to the world. 

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR LANGUAGE AND SEX WHICH WILL BE CENSORED AND DOWNPLAYED, CRUDE HUMOUR, AND SEXISM. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

We start off badly with 2 girls playing with ragdolls in a schoolyard during the 80s, playing at midwives, as the future Schumer, Lainey swears at her best friend. Yet another quality film bought to you by Happy Madison Productions, You now know how bad this is...BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!

Kate Doesn't want to play Mommy anymore. In fact, She Doesn't want children when she grows up, But Lainey gives us the Freudian Excuse that she and Kate only have each other, because their moms died.

Sigh!

Speaking of Freudian Excuse, and Spoilers!-he doesn't show up, But I would wager, the Character played By Man-Hater DOTCOM DOTORG still has a father!

We cut to present Day New York (Because it's a Terrible film on my Blog, of course it's There!) Lainey is Voice chatting in a Luxurious Batchelorette Den to Kate (Jillian Bell) who's On Skype on the toilet (KEEP IT CLASSY!) That today maybe the day Lainey's Boyfriend will propose to her. And in the World that's not a film starring Ms Fat N Tasteless, and not Produced by Adam Sandler's Studio, a Dinner at a Fancy Restaurant can only mean one thing. Kate will have her own news later when Lainey logs off, Kate learns right now she is pregnant-Unfortunately the Father looks like Tom Greene! It isn't, but I did a double take when I saw him!

Lainey is a Secondary school English Teacher, Giving a hammy performance reading Romeo and Juliet to Dead-eyed Zoomers, one Dumbass Boils down the Window scene of the Immortal Bard's Magnum Opus as "Juliet wanna smash" 

ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!

She explains it's about Love in it's purest...then the Dumbass points out Schumber has a Moustache!

Also....You Do Know They Died, Right?

Lainey Storms out getting a Phonecall from her Boyfriend, she's Interrupted by Fallon, A Burly Australian Guidance Councillor played by Urzilla Carlson, who's pretty Funny, she's being on QI before, But this film does her no favours. They make her look like "Food at home" Rebel Wilson. They have her play a Crass stupid Foreigner who's fatter and more Abhorrent than Schumer The Hutt! They will make her drink Coffee with "Milk " she "milked" from a Male Alpaca, just to make Amy look normal!

Going to Dave's Apartment to pick up his watch and to shave her moustache, Oblivious that he's definitely cheating on her. Seeing a size 4 dress on his bed ,she that it's a gift for her! ("Size Four, I'm glad he thinks so!")

That night Dressed in another woman's Clothes, Lainey makes an a*s of herself, placated with Champagne and Cake, (Because Fat people can be bribed with Food!) David Proposes...that they have a Threesome with the owner of the Dress, and Poor Isla Fisher, She deserves better than this!

This leads to Lainey causing a scene by stripping to her underwear and smashing cake into her jowls, as Beautiful Thin People cast their opinions towards her table...even though before throwing cake like a chimp's Tea party, she was the offended party!

This leads to Lainey to be depressed at work, she implies her teenage students have more S*X than she does and bullies everything that p*sses Standing up!

Naturally,  Devolving English into Biology 101 and then Burning Schoolbooks like 1960s Deep South, Lainey evacuated before Questions can be asked about the Arson that followed at school. Turning up at a Cafe to have drinks with Kate, Lainey is Dressed in Mourning Attire, when Lainey sees Kate is not drinking and Susses out that her best Friend is Pregnant. 

Lainey's Response?

"NO! GET RID OFF IT!"

She Apologizes, thinking she was going to be first of the two to have children, she's happy for her friend, that this would be a nice distraction from Dave and Threesomes, only for the cafe band to introduce themselves as "David and the Threesomes"! 

We Get what will Constitute as a Villain in this Trainwreck, Lizzie Broadway as the character of Miss Shirley (Or it is Charlotte? They call her both names at different times!), A Sl*tty Teacher, who Acts and dresses like a Teacher in Teacher-themed Adult Films! Fallon lets Slip that Miss THING over there, is also Pregnant!

And rather than be happy for her best friend or be happy by the fact Shirley's baby will never know it's real father because Her Colleague has had More Pr**ks inside her than a dartboard, That's when Schumber The Hutt Gets an Idea. That's when Schumber the Hutt gets a Wonderful, awful idea!

Charlotte begins rubbing it in her face, that Lainey is Hitting Forty and has noone. (She Doesn't mean to be bad, but Shirley has no filter and being in a constant state of drunkeness, cannot see when people are Uncomfortable!) After getting a complete Stranger involved in a cafe. Turns Out "Latte" (Will Forte) is also Slowly Dying in Sweatpants. So Latte, or rather-Josh, make small Talk pretending to be Lainey's Boyfriend and they part with their coffees.

Lainey in her Jealousy, lives Vicariously in Bringing Kate Baby Clothes Shopping, Kate tries to tell her that Pregnancy is no picnic, though she also tells her the hormones are making her "Have Alone Time" to sitcoms!

When Kate's Morning Sickness returns, that's when Lainey's Sick Plan for Attention is Set in Motion, When Lainey grabs a Fake Fabric Bump and Models it in a changing room under a sweater, That's when a total Stranger comes in and gives her Positive reinforcement

.....And This is where the Film falls under the weight of it's weak premise!

We were told when we heard of this film, and by "WE", I mean everyone here reading this, that this film's Premise was a Fat-shamed woman fakes Pregnancy for good attention. Well, Up to this Point, Schumber has being made fun of for facial hair and her age, She's Only being Fat-shamed Now, under the assumption by an innocent stranger that Noone would look like that if they were not Pregnant. And why is she Doing This? Her life is great! She has a high paying job, a studio flat, and up til recently, a stellar love and social life. I would understand if she was treated Lower than the Dirt on people's shoes up to this point, but she hasn't! Because she doesn't have the one aspect of another life-One that would change or have allowances on the other things she has worked for, the fact she wants a baby, something she's ill equip for is what drives her to do this!

But she Puts up with the Fat-Shaming and get's a free Burrito out of it!

The School is celebrating Valentines Day So Lainey calls up Dave, whose voicemail confirms Lainey has being replaced in the Polyamorous relationship....BY A MAN! Things get worse when Kate and Shirley are the only Staff members who are pregnant and they become fast friends, much to Lainey's Jealousy. She plans on doing all the things Expectant Mothers do in their pregnancy in a different Borough, namely Brooklyn in her façade during her free time, walking to, and taking the Subway with the Baby Bump to get as much attention from Strangers, though it backfires when a 15 year old on the Subway tells her mother she wants a baby and the mother mouthes "F you" at Lainey after the Daughter falls out with her mother!

It gets more Distasteful when at the Yoga Class, all the other classmates do is fart while doing poses and heavy breathing!

Jealous that a Heavily Pregnant Woman can stand one leg, Lainey tries and Given she probably couldn't do that even without a Cotton Counterbalance over her stomach, naturally she falls on her fake belly frightening her instructor and classmates. This draws the ire of another expectant (played by Brianne Howey), who shouts that she can help herself, that Pregnancy doesn't make her helpless. This new Friend, Megan, is told outside in the fresh air That Lainey is a single mother doing it all alone after a break up with a Deadbeat. After an Awkward scene with Vaseline, Lainey scores a Social Link with the Mother of one and a half and her family, even if she slips up a few times.

It's Charlotte's Gender Reveal Party and Lainey is Kate's Plus one. She wants to Organize Kate's Baby Shower, Except, with the closeness of the two Births, It's Going to be A joint affair with Charlotte.

Charlotte did find the father, This Guy who looks like Kid Rock Stuffed into a hockey Jersey! It's Gender Reveal time and in the Worst Possible Taste and that's Saying something, the Gender is to be revealed by smashing a Baby shaped piñata! 

And Charlotte Provokes Lainey to be the one to break it, because she has "All this aggression of being kicked to the curb recently!"

Lainey's anger is so great, the baseball bat swing causes the Piñata wholesale to fly off the rope, into Fallon who catches it, who subsequently stumbles on a tarp covered pool and starts drowning. Once again Lainey books it!

That night Lainey takes up Megan's offer of dinner, where Megan's Son is running around with knifes and while his parents are trying to find him, the boy stabs The fake Bump, thankfully no adults see through the Farce 35 minutes into this one hour plus movie. Megan tells Lainey it's Four for dinner, her brother who moved into her basement after a bad divorce, who spends his days "in Grey Sweatpants".

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY? 

Megan's brother is Josh and naturally is shocked to see Lainey pregnant this quickly! There's small Talk between the two and apropos of nothing, Lainey catches on fire!

Like, straight out of nowhere, she turns away from a hob and her bump catches fire, causing chaos as she crawls to the bathroom to once again shirk responsibility as everyone else is distracted by Steve's relapse into an Angry Drunk. 

In the Bathroom, Lainey is taken to one side and Megan Confides in her a Story of how she nearly died giving birth, and I'm sure this will not come back to haunt her after her Betrayal.

Who does feel Betrayed is Fallon who found out and is disgusted by it, when she suggests faking a miscarriage, that Lainey has gone so far to name her Bump "Susan". Fallon just hopes no-one who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends, Lainey thinks that will never happen, after all New York is a big City. 

So anyway, Someone who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends. 

Sure, it's only Megan's Son in a Toys R Us, but he knows her to see her and asks her "Why No Baby?" He then acts out stabbing her belly. Disgusted, Kate Grabs Lainey to leave but when they separate, Lainey jumps into a pit of Plushies to avoid Megan.

In the Midst of this whole palaver, Lainey gets a Phonecall from Josh at the Ice Rink he works on.

It's a sweet scene...TOO BAD THEY RUIN WITH A FAKE PREGNANT WOMAN TWERKING!

So it happens, Lainey on the rebound of a bad break up, fakes a Pregnancy and finds then finds the man of her dreams-I know, Happens all the Time (!)

Kate has some bad news for Lainey. She Doesn't want her in the delivery roomfor her birth ("What has your Husband done recently to have for the Birth of your child over your best friend "? That's really a Line from this movie!)

Kate sees through all this, this Jealousy. They call each other childish names and the scene....Just ends they segue to a student finding a Bl*nt and the teachers pocket it for later!

On a Boat Date, Lainey and Josh kiss, but Lainey pushes him off when he pulls her closer....AND THE SCENE IS RUINED WITH MORE STR*PPER DANCES WITH A BABY BUMP!

Then, Shock of All Shocks, Dave is on the same boat, and the hamsterwheels of both men's minds are spinning as the lies continue, The "Baby" is not Dave's but a random clerk at Costco. "I Had that Black Friday Fever!"

Next on this toppling towers of lies, Megan arrives at the school, as the Campus holds Post Natal Depression Support group on grounds (of course, Lainey didn't know that!) 

To guilt her back on the straight and narrow, in waddles Fallon with her own fake Bump in an attempt to embarrass her-It fails because the ADHD ridden writers thought of a better thing mid scene....Lainey being a last minute babysitter for Megan's child, because her regular babysitter is now pregnant also, when Lainey takes the Subway to Brooklyn, she meets the Mother and Daughter again and the daughter was apparently the babysitter, who is now pregnant, as the mother once more mouths F**k You at Lainey....wait a minute! How The Hell is the daughter this Heavily Pregnant since February, what month are we in now for her to be this showing, but no other pregnant characters are full term?

After reading a trashy celeb magazine article about the Kar-TRASH-ians as a fairy tale to get the young boy to sleep, Josh takes over and somewhere in Amy's Cholesterol Choked Heart, a part of it melts.

BUT THEN THEY RUIN IT NEXT SCENE!

Namely, a S*x scene where Josh is blindfolded and made to wear oven gloves so he doesn't see or touch Lainey's Normal body, It's awkward and it get's worse, recall that Josh has moved into his sister's garage, as during the deed, Lainey hits the door remote accidentally and the two are revealed like a grand Prize on a game show!

Despite all this, they're happy, but then the Guilt and shame finally sets in, and Lainey calls it off, at a school trip that goes Nowhere except having more things to make Fallon more fat and unlikeable than Fat and Unlikeable Amy Schumber, Charlotte whispers something to Kate. She and Lainey are walking together when a Bewildered Kate Asks her best friend why she thought she wasn't invited to the baby shower, just because she wasn't invited to the birth?

It's the day of the party and turns out, Megan was part of Lainey's circle of Friends the Whole time! 20 minutes left and it's time for this tower of lies to come crashing the hell down!

So let's Flush this Turd!

After Lainey and Fallon Repeat the F word a Couple of times, while Fallon drinks coffee with "Milk" she "Milked" from a male Alpaca ("YA KNOW WOT, THAT'S BLOODY NOICE, BIT SALTY, MIND!") ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE, Lainey steals a rotisserie chicken to act as a makeshift bump, But then Shirley has revealed what she whispered to Kate, that she learned that Lainey plans to terminate. So they are treating this Baby-shower as a Pro-Life Intervention, Live Streamed to their School District's Social Media. Kate is Disgusted that Lainey is put on the spot for a decision that's hers to make, but this is what makes Lainey Confess, Naturally Everyone is p*ssed, Megan especially, who shared a very revealing secret, given that secret is the reason she is seeking therapy! It's so bad even Charlotte realizes that she went too far! On a Bench Later, Kate reveals she's not Angry, In fact Jealousy or not, Lainey was more involved with the Baby Prep than Not-Tom Greene, who has only put in a tenth of the attention Lainey has. Lainey tells her the Baby will be the luckiest baby because she will have both parents, which is one more than they had! A Month after this, Megan gives birth and Lainey asks for forgiveness, which she Does, Josh...Not so Much, who runs for it on first sight into the garage, the door rises and in an attempt to drop it down, is suspended in the air and Force to listen to a rambling apology that tangents into a rant about Creamed Corn ending it with an actual point-She asked the Bitter Divorcée if her ever did anything stupid for love....But then we get her next scene Gaslighting Dave into thinking he's the father, just proving the ambitious Polygamist that he was never "The One!"

Time goes on, Kate gives Birth, Fallon learns how to swim, and Lainey (SOMEHOW!) Still has a job and she returns to teaching English Straight, everything is Normal until a Zamboni drives onto school grounds as a terrible version of Abba's Take A Chance On me plays out! To Answer Her question, Josh reveals he once stole his own car to claim insurance to buy his ex-wife a handbag. What he did was stupid, what she did was the act of a Sociopath, But SHE'S HIS Sociopath! And so Lainey mounts and takes the wheel of the zamboni and ride into the sunset....and cause thousands of dollars of Vehicular Damage in the process!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

The humour is horrid, all the characters are jerks, the Jokes if you can call them that are predictable jokes about Millennials and Gen Z, like Coffee shops calling your name wrong or Students Using ChatCPT to cheat and off course for this film all the social norms when it comes to pregnancy, which were never challenged. A lot of Non-American Actors here, No Doubt they were sold a bill of goods and a promise to "Break America" with this film. Urzilla Carlson's Hollywood career may have ended before it got started. Just ask Will Forte, who hadn't being in another film since another film I panned, the Equally Risible McGruber, that was 15 years ago, Being in a film that terrible for so many years must have tainted his career that films this bad are the only work he can get.

Then there's the Moral of this film, Or More Rightly, the Consequences. Lainey Suffers None! Sure, in her Acts of Fraud there were no Monetary or Material gain and if the woman who bought her a burrito did sue her, the small claims court would throw it out, But She did lie Publicly on her Employers' School's Social Network. Which if the PTA of that school found her So untrustworthy to teach their children, she could...and no doubt would be fired! 

And going back to the acting and I'm Pretty Sure teaching a 3 year old to Mime Stabbing Motions and Stabbing Sounds Counts as Child Endangerment!

Kinda Pregnant Sucks and I Apologize for Wasting Everyone's Time in telling you Something you already Knew!

CREDITS

Kinda Pregnant was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli On Twitter/X)

With Media From:

Kinda Pregnant

Grown Ups

Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy

Police Squad

MST3K

Kinda Pregnant was Produced By Happy Madison Productions For Netflix

All Rights Reversed. All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

NEXT MONTH ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....

IT'S THE LAST READERS CHOICE OF THE YEAR AND A NEW POLL IS OPEN

Here are our 3 Choices which remain to be picked

And The New Number 4, an animation that has being blowing up Social Media!

The Magical Girl Genre combines with the Korean Culture Trend spearheaded by Netflix with a series which I was told will Scratch that Magical Girl Itch you'll have Waiting for Miraculous to Get Better! (IT WON'T!)

The poll will Open On My Twitter page as the Pinned Tweet for seven days, (Ending the 8th of July!) You can also vote by Commenting the name of the series/Movie you want to see Next Month. If there is no vote tallied which is always a possibility, The order will Default as Cassandra's first 4 Episodes!

Good Luck and Happy Voting!