TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

CHAPTER 9 Most bad decisions are Made in Backalleys!

When Eighties lad and Sabaru Left the Discard Dimension, They Still retained a concept of time, despite being trapped in a white void.

I bring this up, Because while they had no idea where they were, they surmised it was 5pm local time and some backalley in an English speaking part of the world, And it was spring as evidenced by the shadows cast on the bins and windowsills around them.

The Demonic Woman, grabbed a helpless rat and with her Powers, Transmogriffied the Poor Rodent into a drone, which the time Displaced Genius Flew to a telephone pole. to ping a location with his hi-Tech 3d glasses.

To their Disgust, not only were they still in Ireland, But still in Butt-craic, It was like the Gods were laughing at them!

We Better bounce, Babe! It Wont be long before Eamonn and his Pet Caveman comes looking for us.

You spoke too Soon! Look!

It was as Saburu said. An unlikely crew of Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, The Cosmic Entities and...a man she'd never seen before....He looked like a Cleaner, More refined Joe-Jack. A Brother, Maybe!

Oi knew Ya woul show up, makes it easier to find ya!

Wait, Edwin Tantulus is our enemy? 

I Wouldn't be and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU ONLY KILLED THIS BODY, THE ENTITY OF RAGE WILL BE FREE AT LAST FROM THIS CORPSE HE'S ANIMATING!

And What? Pende*o? Let you kill everything and everyone? No you both made your decisions. Be thankful the discard Dimension Cancels your Death.

Okay...But who is this women

Suburu

SABURU!

Don't you know, She said with a Laugh!

I'm Queen of this Planet.

RIGHT.....~Someone not named Joe-jack Explain.

She is Sabaru Of the Mara, the last of her Kind-demons. Who exacted revenge on the Human Race by Exploiting Eamonn's need for Love and Respect by making him Vouch for her intentions which were to humans into the Monsters they are!

And when the hell was this?

-last year.

-BUT WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK THE BLOODY SAME? WHAT DID EAMONN DO TO STOP IT?

He didn't. I DID!

-Sure

-WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN OI SAY DAT?

-Wait by the way she's staring daggers into you...NO WAY! YOU? HOW?

-Turnin' All mankind intah monstah's was only 'av ov it! To do that, she had to destroy all hope on the Planet, So when she captured us. she put us in bullet-proof cells with me still holdin' me gun! She gloated that she had all the faith in the world we could never destroy the glass...

BUT WITH "ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD" GONE DOING THAT WAS YOUR TICKET OUT!

An' it meant she would have Died from the glass lodgin' intah her heart!

THAT'S HILARIOUS!

Angered by this Saburu threw over a Pub Bin, to find weapons, she found Chicken Bones and Rotting Meat. "Perfect". She used her magic to shoot a torrent of flesh at our Heroes, who drew weapons, until the Cosmic Entities rewound time to before Conflict would be engaged!

yOU wILL nOT eNGAGE eACH oTHER, sUCH aGGRESSON iS nOT pART oF tHE gAME!

yOU nEED tO fIND yOUR hUMAN, aND yOU dESIRE tO kILL hIM...bUT yOU nEED tO fIND hIM fIRST! oNE of tHE aPPRAISERS hAS OVERSTEPPED. iT'S dUTY has bLINDED iT fROM sEEING tHE tRUTH. tHE hUMAN'S sOURCE oF pOWER iS nO lONGER cOMPLETELY bOUND bY a pHYSICAL fORM!

Weight. You might think Oi'm crazy, but Oi have an Eye-deer, so i do!

You're Right. I DO Think It's Crazy...Which is why I'm Humouring You. 

All we need to do is find a DVD. A FILLIUM SO BAD WE CAN USE IT'S POWAH TO TRACK MISS'ER EAMONN.

I member, da first time we fought Da Divil, the Dvd's spun in their cases as a sign of his arrival.

But can we even find a dvd that awful?

Oh, I HAVE A FAIR IDEA WHAT ONE TO USE!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, EQUALIVANT OF A PG-13 RATING FOR VIOLENCE, SYSTEMIC RACISM, SLAVERY, DEATH AND THE REAL LIFE DISCUSSIONS OF PUBLIC URINATION THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND DISGUSTING. SOME WORDS WILL BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 It's Being a Long time coming!

But Finally Rock the Dwayne And his Bottle filling Johnson is finally getting what he Deserves for k*lling the DCU.

This film could have been better if it wasn't for the Ego and Strange Behaviour of it's star.

Rumours of Johnson Rubbing cast and crew the wrong way started to appear online. Johnson, who was making appearances for WWE and working as a Newly Announced TKO Executive (TKO holdings being the owner of both WWE and UFC) would turn up to filming late-if at all! To the point that scenes had to be finished with a Stunt Double in a green mask and Rock's face digitally added. During the Filming,  The Rock had a Bizzare series of interactions with a couple of In-N-Out Brand Burger Restaurants where he would claim to have his "First Ever Burger " in Successful attempts of Free or Comped Meals. And as Alluded to above Johnson would complain about the tight suit he would wear and some unfortunate Crew members were Reported to Dispose or Empty bottles of Wee-Wee to make sure they could make overtime if Johnson was too busy making sure his Nepo Daughter got a General Manager job she Doesn't Deserve!

But can we truly Blame One Man For This Travesty?

Well,  Let's Find out as we dig into this year's Ticket to Hell, Including the 300th Post,  Black Adam. 

Same problems with this cover like the Flash cover. A third of the film is took up by the logo and it still feels empty. Two Thirds of this cover is filled head shorts with no cohesion to it whatsoever-Big Johnson looking down at his co-stars and a Lame Battle Scene where Hawkman's Mace has to talk to The Rock's hand. 

Or maybe Rock is telling Hawkman to Stop In The Name of Love?

We open with Some Child Flatly Reading A Script. 

"Before Rome, Before Babylon, Before the Pyramids, There was Kandaq. It was the First Self-Governing Country. A Mecca of Commerce and Enlightenment. 

"But Everything changed once the Fire Nation Attacked!"

Kandaq was Usurped by king Ak-tum,  a Pharoh obsessed with the Dark Arts, soon his plan to forge a crown to control demons would be made true, as Madeupistan has rich viens of Madeupium ore,  which Ak-tum enslaved his own people to mine in green screen Deserts!

Pfft! Eterium? Unobtainium? Give me good Ole Contrivium any day of the week. 

So one of the miners finds a Nugget of Eternium and it causes a fight for the reward of Freedom between the Slaves.  Until it's Broken Up by the flat voiced child who is equally flat delivering lines in a made up language. 

Look, it may sound like I'm ragging on a child. But none of the local actors, combined with the terrible Sound mixing, hit their lines. I'm sorry Warner Bros, but with all the money David Zsaslov is going to save Disowning The Looney Toons, couldn't you have just flown in Arabic American or Arabic British Actors?

The Miner is given his freedom....The Freedom of Death,  as he is kicked like the Ethiopian Messenger in 300 into a Quarry. 

The boy is taken to one side by his father, Tehtadam (Johnson) telling him not to be so dahm Naive.  The Boy refuses despite causing the death of an old man just now.  So the Little Idiot steals the nugget and holds it up, making a triangle with his hands, as Copy and pasted Extras start praising Yevon. The Little Dumbass is about to be executed until he is sent to the Rock of Eternity, where the Guardian Wizards imbue him with the powers of Eygptians and Mesopotamium God's, as opposed to Shazam's Classical and Biblical Figures.  But the Dumbass made two mistakes.  One, he took his sweet time to have Ak-tum finish the crown of McGuffin and to give the powers to his father. However,  in the Battle that followed, Ak-tum was Defeated but the Palace became Black Adam's Tomb and the crown was lost to time and I'm sure it'll Neeever bother anyone again!

Cut to present Day Generic American Geopolitical view of the Middle east and Little Dumbass has reincarnated into something worse.

A Skateboarding Gen z-er who gets his news from ThickoThot!

Living in a Militarised zone,  he is tripped off his skateboard by a surly Australian peacekeeper trying to do his job. When the little sh*t calls him a F*cist,  he gets so angry, he let's a truck harbouring a Fugitive to go through. 

Turns out the woman is not a Terrorist, and the Peacekeepers are Funded by InterGang.but an archaeologist and the mother of Little Dumbass, Arianna, who her son, Amon wants to help her find the crowd of McGuffin to free Kandaq from InterGang. 

Driving into the desert,  Arianna is aided by Two others,  Kareem, her brother and the comic relief and Ishmael a Richard E Grant lookalike who certainly is not a Villian (!) Are soon ambushed and betrayed by one of their own.  Arianna has a Heirloomed Necklace made of Madeupium that's will lead them to the tomb. The woman retrieves the crown, as Ishmael mugs for the camera. As InterGang surrounds Arianna,  the light refracted from the Necklace reveals a spell hidden on the slab. Reading Shazam, Black Adam rises from his grave as he kills every Single Merc, as Ishmael the Halal Ham-actor tries to steal the crown for himself,  or would if Arianna didn't pull a switcheroo on her traitor. As the Rock K*lls a whole army in Super Slow motion,  he walks past the Archaeologists Van and a Rocket made of Eternium hits him, working like Kryptonite hitting Superman. 

So Ishmael is our Mastermind,  again my theory that DC will only fork out for the real villians If they truly believe that a Sequel is a sure thing holds water. News of Black Adam's Resurrection reaches America as Government handler for Meta Human Affairs Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) tells agent Carter Hall that the Suicide Squad are ill equipped to stop him,  So his team will be given the pointwork to deal with Black Adam, and they are:

Maxine Hunkell aka CYCLONE, Sidekick  to the Android hero Red Tornado,  has wind Manipulation powers and Computing skills. 

"She has all her character's Constellations unlocked on Genshin Impact "

Al Rohlstein Jr aka ATOM SMASHER 2, nephew of the original also heading to Hall Mansion Maxine is riding her bicycle to.  His uncle is played by Henry Winkler.  Something, something Dc jumped the Shark!

Dr Kent Nelson (Pierce Brosnan)aka DR FATE. Nelson draws his powers from Naboo,  a Helmet worn by The Lords of Order,  Basically God's Beureucrats to keep the world chugging along,  even if that means not Saving people who will die anyway or k**ling a Child who may grow up to be Future Hitl*r. Its safer to say the Helm Puppets Kent's Body. Misses his wife.

And Carter looks over his shoulder to his own costume in a glass chamber for Carter Hall is HAWKMAN!

Hawkman has one of the most confusing back stories even by Comic book Standards. 

He and Hawkgirl were Ancient lovers who were k*lled by a villian, who reincarnate every 1000 years and gain Wings when they meet each other in their new life, and must meet, otherwise Carter will go insane from the imbalance of the Hawkman Curse, without Hawkgirl to syphon his power. Only for them to be fated to die by the same villain over again. He seems fine. So let's assume there is a Hawkgirl.

Only for the Writers to say "Screw that! They were Aliens the whole time!"

I AM NOT KIDDING!

So we have an Electric man with the powers of Gods and America are sending two untested teenagers, an Elderly man and Hawkman running on a half tank because Hawkgirl is played by Lady-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. 

In his chauffeured car,  Kent puts his hand on The Helm of Naboo and The Helm shows him the Future,  namely Destruction and the death of Agent Hall. 

So now this new iteration of the Justice Society of America get to Hall's Jet made of Nth Metal,  the material that the Targarians,  Carter's Race makes their maces and armour from.

Now I know what you are going to say. 

Why would a Hawkman,  a Wind user and Dr Fate need a plane if they can fly? Well it's for Atom Smasher's benefit as his powers is Giant Growth after eating a high protein diet!

Arianna has Put Black Adam in Little Dumbass bedroom,  where Tehtadam suffers Nightmares of his son's disappearance and his own death.

He stirs from his sleep, Shooting the face off a Henry Carville Superman poster.

D**k Move, Warner Bros! D**k Move.

Oh, and Black Adam can just Use his lightning to coterize the wound like nothing happened,  because God Forbid we Humanize our Heroes. 

So...after 5000 years,  the first people you meet are people with strong resemblance to your wife and son, and guess what emotion Johnson goes with to convey this confusing feeling off Rage, sadness and unresolved grief?

As Mom researches the Crown, she finds a proverb on it that reads "Life is the only path to Death." Which makes Kareem shout "yeah,  No Sh*t!" 

Little Dumbass,  sorry Amon, Tells Black Adam for the last 5 Millenniums, Kandaq has being Invaded by one Dictator or another, But now the hero has returned to restore The Country's Traditional values and lost honour...

And here is where I should be very careful, because what Amon just said mirrors The sentiment of Hate Groups and Terrorists. When the Taliban returned to power in Afghanistan,  they revoked education for Women,  and they did it calling it "Traditional Values!"

Oh and Potential Spoiler for the film, but in the Comics. Black Adam is the Undisputed Ruler of Kandaq, which is now magically nuked back to the Bronze Age and the people don't care! 

Thetadam goes to leave and smashes walls and tv for poor comedy. He recognises Arianna's voice as the one that freed him, and never shows any emotion that she resembles his wife in every way. He tells them he is no leader, it's their job to K*ll their Enemies.  Mom doesn't want anyone killed, she thought she was Awakening A People's Champion,  not some Self-serving Egotist.

Are we talking about Black Adam...or Dwayne Johnson? Because that line could go either way!  

But instead of Letting him float away, Amon pesters him about how Cool and Rad it can be to use his powers to make money!

Just a little zap of lightning!

Just enough to scramble the speech centre of his Brain.

DO IT!

In the JSA Jet, The Justice Society are about to touchdown. The Plan to deal with Black Adam? Is to Talk to him!

Al Goes to touch the Helm of Naboo, but Maxine tells him touching it will sent Him To The Shadow Realm. Probably. Because noone has ever been stupid enough to even try it!

Seeing Tehtadam Fly to look at his Statue,  Little Dumbass, makes things worse by pestering InterGang During a Skateboarding Stunt scene with Licenced Music. After a fakeout that makes it look like Amon Fudged Around and is about to Find out, Arianna is recognised and arrested for questioning, Until Black Adam saves them by k*lling all the InterGang soldiers by recreating the Mexican Standoff scene from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" complete with music, until he is about to drop 2 jobbers from a great height, until the JSA Jet Rucks up to him. Unimpressed and undeterred, Black Adam drops them as Hawkman and Dr Fate Springs to actions.

Hawkman in his Rip-off Falcon Armour save the InterGang soldiers as the townspeople boo them for arresting them and cheers when Black Adam Vapourizes them to ash!

Hawkman and Dr Fate begin their plan to negotiate...and by Negioate they mean threaten! Black Adam Refuses to Both Kneel or Die, So Kent Magics up an illusion of Kandaq in its prime to distract him, while Hawkman gets the Jump on him. All the while Cyclone,  Atom Smasher and Amon Stand Slack jawed and useless. Until she's called to battle. Cyclone does a Cirque De Soliel Dance in midair that loosens some scaffolding that become spears that fly towards Amon, only for Dr Fate to teleport Amon away from Danger.

(Snaps Fingers)

Darn!

Arianna's Bag touches Dr Fate and he feels the presence of the crown inside it! 

Finally Atom Smasher arrives and Stealing potential Energy from cars to grow 6 storeys tall, saves (and tries to rizz up) Cyclone,  But the Society drop their guard and Black Adam buries under the giant hand that smashed him, flies out and uppercuts the giant into his own statue that crumbles to rumble to have the peasants turn against the JSA. 

Despite Causing an International Incident, Kent tracks down Arianna,  because as a lord of Order, Dealing with Lords of Chaos relics takes precedence.  Arianna spouts more insane Troll logic, as Hawkman tries to convince The Kandaqi have being lied to about Black Adam, it doesn't help that Atom Smasher keeps doing repeated Johnny Somalis on Tehtadam's Statue. Dr Nelson asks Arianna to give him the crown, she says she doesn't have it! She doesn't know who now does. 

BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY! BUT IT'S LITTLE DUMBASS! As he skates back home. 

Back in the Market Square,  Hawkman tells Arianna that Ancient Scriptures that they have access to shows that Tehtadam is not the hero they make him out to be.

So Ancient Texts Stolen by Americans, sorry but not helping your case, Birdbrain! 

Well somehow Arianna bends and takes the benefit of the doubt and agrees to help in Negotiations  

At the temple, Arianna confronts "The Champion " that he was not killed, he was sealed after k*lling everyone indiscriminately. But Arianna still thinks because of how he carries himself, he can still do the right thing. 

At her home, Amon returns to see Kareem taken Hostage by Ishmael and tries to keep him schtum about the crown....but fails miserably to read between the lines. And he too is taken hostage. Kareem rushes Ishmael,  Sacrificing his life so Amon can Escape with the crown.

Despite Hawkman and Black Adam itching for a round two, Amon calls Arianna to tell her Ishmael is alive, working for InterGang, Kareem is dead and InterGang is raiding her building.  The mother pleads with the Anti-Hero to save her Son, which he tries to do, before Ishmael bumbles the boy into the chassis of a Sky bike.  Atom Snasher continues to be as Useless as a Chocolate Teapot!

Dr Fate teleports to Arianna's House to find the crown and heals Kareem's wounds only because it's not his time. Following every Sky biker, Black Adam Kills every Single one of them, only for the Audience to learn Ishmael is still on solid ground, as the Sky Bike is being hauled by a truck into the desert. 

In the JSA Jet, Kareem is operated on by Cyclone who injected him with Nanomachines (Son!) We get Cyclone's Backstory, sparse as it is. She was Kidnapped at age 15, by a Mad Scientist and Injected with the very Nanomachines she's saving Kareem with, and after that she became a ward of the Justice Society of America. 

Dr Nelson tells Arianna that she can't change the past, but she can change the future by trusting him.  Hawkman has captured two Skybikers and Black Adam Sarcastically interrogates by threatening to drop them for not getting his answers...and then drop them anyway!

You know Rocky, I think you need a new bit, this dropping people to their deaths after saying you won't is getting Stale.

He does learn that Amon is taken to a place where everything comes full circle:

Amon Is forced to work in the mines!

PART 2, THIS BLOGS 300TH POST, WILL BE OUT IN MAY!

Eamonn Reviews Nan

 A lot of production companies in charge of  Certain Fandoms that reach worldwide Status, usually hire actors from that country of origin, who before gaining fame outside that country, usually have their previous works get overshadowed by that very fandom.

Case in point, Before Doctor Who, Catherine Tate is and was a Sketch Show Comedienne who, after Playing Donna Noble and seemingly Breaking America, Returned to her career at the BBC. 

And she Hasn't really appeared in Anything of Merit Since. A Cameo here, a Side Character there, A role as either an Evil Parent, or Useless Adult in one of the adaptions of David Walliams' Rip-off Roald Dahl books. So maybe a return to her own show will help?

There is only one problem with that!

Unlike Harry Enfield, who we did years ago in Kevin and Perry Go Large, Tate's characters are not as recognizable as many of the sketches did not have canon names. Tate's back Catalogue of shows as wide as it is, only had 3 named characters, namely Lauren the Teenager,  Bernie the Useless Irish Nurse and Nan.

There are other sketches, but let's be honest, COULD YOU? sit at the cinema, and watch an one hour version of Going On Guess, What Am I Like or Easily Surprised Woman?

And if you don't know or remember, given that as I said these sketches had no fixed Character name let me give you a synopsis, and prove it could have been a lot worse:

An office worker makes her colleague guess what she did, with what she actually did being the most boring thing possible!

A Stupid Woman Recants the stupid thing that nearly almost definitely would have killed her, her husband or children like mistaking cement for flour and having a good Ole laugh about it!

I MEAN....IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS CHARACTER YOU CAN PRACTICALLY HEAR THE SOUND IN YOUR HEAD, CAN'T YA?

Though, to be fair, making a Posh Horror Film where the Posh family go to a Holiday Camp and treating it like the Bates Motel would be funny....and better than what we are about to  read!

But no, instead we need recognition of the  show's quote, most popular creation of a vile, Bigoted Crass Elderly Woman getting the silver screen treatment. 

As the winner of the first poll on my X account, this is Nan.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR CRASS AND DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE,  WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, SCENES OF DRUG USE, TERRORISM AND DESCRIPTIONS OF NUDITY. DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

We open in some period of the early 20th century in London. (Doesn't say when, but let's lowball it and say after the Great War) A Nurse Tells A well Dressed Gentleman, That his wife just gave birth to a Daughter. He holds her up and tells her, she will be grow up to be the Greatest Woman of her Generation...which leads to Catherine's voice to shout at us that he was right, as the sweet baby is replaced by Nan's Cackling Maw and Title Drop.

Usually, I would start with a Critique of the DVD Cover or Promo Art from Netflix, But it's just Nan on a White Background, so I'm not wasting my time, moving on!

So in some Graffiti covered slum in London where Nan Lives, she's doing some shopping and is Capricous with every person she meets, commenting on ugly babies and people's weight. That's when Jamie, her long suffering Grandson (Matthew Horne) The Effeminate Millienial that Nan thinks is Gay, because he drives a minivan....solely for Charity work, but still he's scored less again in Nan's Eyes, because he does Cartoons on YouTube ("Animations, I have 30 followers online!") 

After buying a life sized Statue of Robert Mugabe and having Jamie lugging it up a flight of stairs while Nan takes a lift, she insults her neighbours by learning the husband, a fat man had being at the doctors. After trying to guess what obesity related disease he has, Nan Scoffs that his weight is being treated with Psychotherapy.  "Eating your Feelings, eh? By the look of you, I bet they were delicious!"

Actual F**king Quote.

When they get out of the lift, the neighbour wife asks why is Jamie dragging a statue of Robert Mugabe? Nan says she thought it was a Statue of Trevor McDonald, the Former Newscaster. 

GET IT? BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH BLACK MEN WITH GLASSES? EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE, RIGHT?

So that's what passes for Humour-Casual Racism and assessing the Younger Generation of being "Soft." Case again in point, the same neighbours invites Nan for Sunday Lunch and she makes an excuse. She tells Jamie the reason she won't go is that she has it on good authority that the neighbours are "Deviants"....Naturists, Specifically "Cos they 'Ave those organic Vegatables Delivered."

Settled inside the flat, Nan opens a handwritten letter, addressed to her as Joanie Taylor, to visit the writer who exposits , through a pleading voice and Gentle music, that she, Her sister Nell, is dying and wants to see her before she does  "Even if she doesn't forgive her". Nan Bellows "F*CK OFF!",  to cut off the music and crumple the letter, only for Jamie to enquire about it.

Nan is Adamant that she is not going anywhere,  until the Neighbours she accused of being nudists, wants to extend the offer of lunch to dinner for tonight, only to use the plot of a road trip movie as an excuse not to attend the Obvious Brick Joke that they were nudists after all, until the end credits. 

So the Charity Minibus is this bee themed papier machè covered abomination, with the name of the charity Jamie works for written on the side, and it's called....(SIGH!) GOD HELP US!...

CRAFTS

UNDO

NEGATIVE 

THINKING

As a man, I can not say that word. Even if I was not on Google, I would still not say THAT WORD!

So it's a British comedy character on a road trip, what Exotic Locale are we venturing to?

Los Angeles like Mr Bean?

Ibiza like Kevin and Perry?

Tokyo like that Bbc3 show no one watched?

NO, IRELAND!

Given that Tate has a character, literally called Useless IRISH Nurse, it means any representation is going to be bad representation! Any reaction from me is intensified due to me watching this on St Patrick's Day!

So Jamie asks Nan why she hates her sister so much. She Reveals she was a real Daddy's girl until he died of Tuberculosis, and like that, she (and I will be referring to Nan as "Joanie" in the past) and her sister Nell were forced out of school to continue his Rag-N-Bone Business. But,  of course, they are OIRISH In LAWNDAWN, and you can't be OIRISH IN LAWNDAWN WITHOUT BEING A CRIMINAL! So Joanie stole things to sell and pawn while Nell, (Katherine Parkinson)  who was still a teenager, Distracted Men with her body and "Womanly Wiles".

But then the war happened, and the Taylor Sisters became Factory Girls, but during a night out, Nell falls in love with a G.I. And that ruins their plan of making enough money to buy a house on "The Island off of Ireland". It's never named, but what if it was here?

ANYWAY ~

With all the men at war, the only man left is Hopeless Romantic Tel, apparently a man sweet on Joanie since Childhood....until a Black GI sweeps her off her feet.

Turns out the Soldier Nell danced with was a rac*st, So she chases him off but claims the Black GI, Walter from her Sister...until Nan in the present interrupts the story so she can "relieve" herself in a tupperware box. 

KEEP IT CLASSY!

Rather than return to the story, Nan talks about her appointment to the Day Spa she's booked in Coventry, instead of seeing her sister, and she thinks the "Hollywood" she booked is a meeting with the Bake-off Judge Paul Hollywood.

We go into the first of Jamie's Animations, these horrible looking photo cut-out nightmares to show us scenes that the film couldn't afford to film like Jamie detoured from Coventry to Liverpool

And into the second part of the Flashback, Joanie and Walter Did have a date later, With Nell as a Third Wheel so she could slowly steal the American From her more abrasive Sister by acting the demure innocent. And it worked...and that's why Nan hates her. Nan realizes she's in Liverpool by noticing how scummy the people look!

A BIG APOLOGY TO ANY READERS FROM LIVERPOOL! 

So A woman's voice screams at the van for Illegal parking, and it's a Former Council Worker Character from the show, Officer Marlow, who exposits she was fired for "Being Insensitive to the Elderly " when in reality, Nan was Stealing Cable TV! So now we have an antagonist to our story, a Jobsworth council woman, now a police officer whose life was ruined by Nan. Triggered by the Acronym of the charity minivan, Marlow Seethes and makes a plan for revenge as the Taylors rest in a seedy B&B for the night.

Kept awake by Drunken Rugby Revellers. Nan gets out of bed to sort it out, given Jamie would do something Soft and New Aged like "Aligning the Chakras." Jamie hears a thud and expects the worst, But instead he finds Nan and these Australian Ruggers Rat-Ar**d on Jager Bombs. They stumble out the bar to Officer Marlow ready to throw the book at them for Drunk and Disorderly and D*ugs Possession. But instead she just let's them all walk off! Even when Nan flips her off and continues to party til dawn.

It gets worse when Nan drops her Angina Tablet, and she's given "Something Stronger " by the Ruggers. Jamie runs into the club to see Nan in a terrible state. Having to pass Marlow to get back to her room, Nan messes with her in her Altered State. In that very same Altered State, it's the only time Nan ever shown any respect to Jamie.

.....Then the next morning, he wakes him up by farting in his face!

Because we can't have nice things!

The next morning on the road, Officer Marlow tails Nan and Jamie with her police bike, Nan is tuckered out, so Jamie tricks her by taking the ferry to Dublin, with Marlow leaving her post to exact revenge, not only beyond her jurisdiction, but beyond her station as a traffic warden.

Nan wakes up and realises she's in Ireland, and Jamie gives her the ultimatum: she doesn't have to see her sister, but he never met his aunt and he wants to before she dies. Nan begrudgingly Agrees...as long as she gets a pint of Guinness right now. Jamie tells her it's 9am, but Nan Scoffs. You can Get Guiness any time of day in Ireland, Because it's IRELAND!

As an Irishman,  I feel it's my duty to tell you my Overseas readers and friends you can't buy alcohol from shops before 10 am, and not by bars til 12. You can not buy any alcohol from supermarkets on Holy Days such as Christmas Day or St Patrick's Day.

But since this is the BBC we are talking about....

RAC*ST ALARM! AUTOMATIC MOVIE FAIL!

So Every Irish Stereotype is here, the Drink, the pub, the Rebel Songs, the fact that Nan's new friend, Mick-Mick-Mick, nicknamed for the 3 Ms tattooed on his wrist, may be a Terrorist. As they all sit on the van stargazing while Mick is inside the Minibus using the craft supplies for something, as Nan continues her story. The War Raged on through the Forties and she's alone.

Except Nell rubs it in that she's with Walter, and Tel delivers a letter from Walter, it reads that  The Americans departs to France Tonight and he wants to admit something to Joanie, and not to tell Nell. 

Joanie at the Factory could not contain her excitement on having one up on Nell. But she has her suspicions. Nell puts her to one side and tells her the good news-She's Pregnant!

The wind is taken out of Joanie's Sail, as she realizes that Walter's letter is a "Dear John" letter. Also, Nell hasn't told Walter, as it would only distract him.

Filled with the Bitterness that will seep over the  decades, Jamie can't accept Walter's Declaration of Love, knowing what she now knows. And with no one else who will take her, She Settles on Tel, and they registered their marriage in a week.

Back to the present and Mick reveals he made an art piece for the liberation of animals from corporate greed. They listen to the radio news, and a warning of a Clinically Depressed Animal Rights activist turned bomber targeting Food Processing Factories and he has 3 Ms tattooed on his Wrist meaning "Meat Means Murder". So yeah, The only Irish character in your British Film is a Terrorist! A mentally unstable animal activist triggered by Nan eating Fridge Raiders in front of him. And now they are kidnapped to aid him on his next "Liberation."

So Nan is forced to bomb a farm, but Officer Marlow trails her, thinking she's the one in charge. Nan tries to escape by faking a Potty Emergency....except it's not fake! Jamie stalls a security man with his craft work, they set the bomb, Free the chickens and walk away from the explosion by not looking back at it! During the Getaway, shown as an Animation, The 3 give Marlow and the Gardai the Slip.

Now Wanted Criminals, Nan has an idea, to somehow knowing the Australian Ruggers were here in Ireland, to repaint the minivan in the Australian Colours to get Mick-Mick-Mick to the Island off of Ireland.  With the Ruggers in tow they drive the van, until there is a Police Search on the road to the ferry.

But Marlow recognises Nan, so Mick sacrifices his freedom to get Nan to her sister, but Marlow is still in hot pursuit, until they do a Thelma and Louise dive onto a ferry.

Nan finishes her story. The War is over, and Walter Returned to England as a Hero. He and Nell are to be Wed, with Joanie as a Bridesmaid.  Helping Nell into her dress,  Joanie Naively comments on how Nell is not showing a pregnant belly. Nell reveals she lied. Angered that She's saddled with a Dud like a Tel,  Joanie Slaps Nell and ruins the Wedding. Tel comes up a winner and agrees with his new wife that a piece of work like Nell would never know the kind of love he has for Joanie.

No wonder Nan is this way, she in her own words did everything right her whole life and look what she gets for it!

YOU HAVE BEING RAC*ST, CRUEL AND H********C THE WHOLE TIME! THE ONLY VILLAIN IN THIS FILM IS ONE OF YOUR OWN MAKING! AND EVEN HER FATE IS GOING TO BE UP FOR INTERPRETATION!

So let's finish this! 

The Ruggers make their leave, and Nan reveals she meant it when she said she was proud of Jamie, they find the house Nell lives and Nan goes in, leaving Jamie to wait in the van. In the doorway, Nell waits for her. Joanie came here despite having reservations, but now she's here and Nell can leave the mortal plain, knowing she's better than Joanie, in her big house on a stolen dream with the Perfect Man-

(SIGH!)

THEY COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE!

THIS FILM WAS ABOUT TO REDEEM ITSELF!

AND THEN THEY DO WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND AN IMAGE!

Turns out, Walter is a Crossdresser, and in her eyes, Nan Won! TEL WAS A PATHETIC MAN, BUT AT LEAST HE WAS A MAN! That's our twist ending!

But Nell will not stand for Nan bashing Tel, he was right after all, they were soulmates.

We get a Pixar Up style montage of Joanie and Tel's Life up to his death. The realization that she was the best thing her life makes all the Bitterness melt away. Walter realizes Nell stole their life away, but Nan admits she would have never coped with all this. As the Taylors leave for home, they remember they are wanted Criminals. So when Marlow jumps on the minivan's Bonnet, one of the Ruggers tackles her off it. And so, we end with an animation, Mick-Mick-Mick is in prison but the chickens visit him, the Ruggers carry out Marlow to perform vigilante Justice, and we return to live action as the Taylors return to the flat in London and guess what, Turns out the Neighbours were Nudists after all, as unfortunately, the last thing we see is Nan's Old bare A*s sitting at a harpsichord.

THIS FILM AUTOMATICALLY FAILS FOR BEING RACIST TO THE IRISH!

Even if it wasn't, This film is just Rotten! One Note Generational Stereotypes, annoying jokes, The Animation scenes which are hard to look at, smack of "We Can't afford to film Catherine in costume in a Petrol Station, nevermind afford a police chase Scene."

I will give it to them that the period pieces were good, only problem is that if it wasn't for Tate doing the Nan laugh, you wouldn't have known this was part of the character's Mythos. And even then, these scenes add another layer of Terrible-Emotional Manipulation-THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR NAN, DESPITE NEVER EARNING IT! But let's play some Sad Music and have her walk on a beach looking sad, that'll work!

The Twist with Walter solely there to make Nan "Win" was horrible. And very insulting, in universe they tried to justify that hints were planted, but they really weren't! We also don't have a resolution to Nan not being arrested like she did not become a wanted criminal in two different countries, she just returned to the slums, Ambivalent to it all.

So what to I think about this film?

I'll let our star speak on my behalf!

CREDITS 

Nan The Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham

With Media from:

The Catherine Tate Show

ITN

Wonder Showzen

Father Ted.

The Catherine Tate Show is Property of the BBC.

The Nan Movie was Produced by DJ Films, Great Point Media, Lip Sync Productions, Merlin Films, Zalhara Films, Sulcata Films and Distributed by Warner Bros!

All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners!

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

THE 299TH AND 300TH EPISODE!

TICKET TO HELL 2025: BLACK ADAM!

EARLY SUMMER 2025!

St. Patrick's Day 2025: Kneecap

 THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 18 FOR LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE EDITED, SCENES OF DRUG USE, VIOLENCE, AND DISCRIMINATION. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Recently Snubbed by the Oscars, despite winning At Sundance, The Eponymous Irish Language Hip hop Trio claimed that no matter what, they will appear at the Oscars.

(THIS REVIEW WAS WRITTEN IN FEBRUARY IN ADVANCE OF MARCH AND THEM NOMINATED AND WINNING A BAFTA)

....However, I wager Turning up in a Modified Paddy wagon with Irish and Palestinian flags will no doubt put some noses out of joint!

So Who are Kneecap?

Who are these 3 men who seemingly came from nowhere, who had Songs banned from the radio, had Politicians defame them and Champion Charities on both sides of the Republican and Unionist Fence?

WELL, LET'S DIG INTO THE FILM THAT SCORED 94 ON ROTTEN TOMATOES, AND DESPITE THEIR RATHER EXTREME MURALS AGAINST THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT, ARE NOMINATED FOR BAFTAS, THIS IS NOT SPINAL TAP, IT'S KNEECAP!

If I can offer any Critique, it is that every bit of Promotional Artwork for the film is terrible, for a Group promoting Irish Culture, the Use of Alcohol, and Invoking Terrorist Imagery is what got them in trouble on this side of the border. 

The American Promotional art is better as it has colour and Vibrancy, the thing they are trying to champion in the Irish language!

Pronunciation and Cultural Notes for International Readers 

Naoise: (NISHA!)

Mowgli Bap: Not an Irish phrase, but Naoise's nickname came from having bowl cut haircuts as a child that made him look like the Hero of the Jungle Book. 

Liam Og: Og (Owe-"Hard G")-Young Liam,  Sometimes as a replacement for "Junior", often used as a term of Endearment of a nephew named after a family member.

Mo Chara- "My Friend"

O'Dorataigh- Doherty.

Provi/ Provo- A Member of the Provisional IRA

Mickey- P*nis

The Royal Orange Institution, Commonly known as The Orange Order, are a fraternal Society who stand for Protestant Values and British Unity, To the point that they have being accused of being a hate group that promotes Supremacy against Catholics. The Order is famous, or Infamous, of marching through Catholic Housing Estates on days Of Historical Battles, most well known is The Twelfth of July, the defeat of the Jacobites by William Of Orange.  This March has led to violent skirmishes throughout the peaceful years.

Kneecapping was a method of Torture, performed by shooting off the victim's patella with a high calibre pistol. The idea being the victim was made to kneel for their masters.

Smick- Chav, Skanger, Dole-Dosser, Gimme.... Whatever term you use for the Criminally Inclined Have-nots of the world

THE DVD GOES IN AND THE FIRST THING I HEAR IS THE F WORD AND SOMEONE RAPPING ABOUT THEIR MICKEY BEING CONTAGIOUS!

Any Assumptions of Subtlety has being thrown out of a 20 storey Glass Window and Trampled on by Bystanders!

We start with a voice telling us that people think everyone story about Belfast starts with and is about Terrorism. Instead, we start with a Woman holding a baby in her arms, walking through a Darkened Forest.

This is the Story of Naoise (Mowgli Bap) being carried by his mother, Delores (Simone Kirby) in a Secret Wedding between her and his birth father Arlo (Michael Fassbender), A former IRA Provi on the run. But what was supposed to a gesture of Love, was Mistaken by the Thatcherite Police as an IRA training camp, because why would a Bunch of Catholics have a Secret Meeting in THEIR Country?

Whether or not this incident has Conditioned Naoise with Distrust of Authority from a Week old, we cut to an illegal rave some 14-16 years later! Naoise and Liam Og have being Dealers ever since Hemp was literally landed on their laps when they were Alterboys, And they Burned it like Incense During mass. "The Next Sunday, The Congregation Doubled!"

The Rave is Broken Up, With Liam Og giving Naoise the Product to hide it, while a Police Dog takes him Down, only for his own Usage makes the Situation of being bit in the leg, strangely Pleasant, as the Title Drops!

We cut to the Future 3rd Member, JJ O'Dorataigh (DJ Provai) An Irish language and Music Teacher Disenfranchised with the Language he loves, The Text books are archaic, the Poems are depressing  and to cap it all off, today is the day the Irish Language Bill was Shot down by the Unionist Majority of the Power sharing Government in Stormont. But JJ's wife is a campaigner for the cause who rallies the people to try again! 

But fate has intervened to make 2 men with nothing in common to meet. In the middle of the night, The Police call the O'Dorataigh's to act as an Irish Translator, JJ tells his wife to tell them that he'll do it in the morning, only to be Brow beaten by his wife to help a Irish soul In need!

Naoise is being Racially Abused by the Police, Who,when water is thrown at him, goes into a flashback of Arlo teaching him and Liam Basic Irish Verbs with a water Gun, while their mother playfully teases them for learning a "useless" thing. Arlo tells his sons to understand how it feels to be an Irishman in Ulster is like "watching a Western through the point of view of an Indian!" And to remember one thing, "Every word spoken in Irish, is one more bullet Shot for Irish Freedom" 

But then Arlo left to Commit terrorism and afterwards, 3 months later Arlo Allegedly faked his death to Avoid Arrest, as the Family Grieved Believing his demise, The Police knew Better and now, having Arlo's son in custody means they can probe him for information.

So The Police Shove JJ into a Holding Cell to Speak to Naoise, While at home Liam Og finds Dolores has ran out of Depression medication and begs her Son for an "Alternative" til the Chemist opens in the morning. 

The police hands JJ a Notebook to Translate, they contain Irish Song lyrics, but he flips a page and finds.....how can I say what he finds, when I cannot censor An Acronym without it looking like gibberish?.... JJ finds, a page of Stamp-like lickable Stickers. Realising  What he had gotten into, and the fact the British Police did not read through the notebook, he  tries to get Naoise off the Hook, so he claims Naoise's Civil Rights was Violated.

Naoise fakes an attack so JJ can pocket the notebook during the Distraction! Back with Liam, he decides to find an all-night pharmacy and his brother.

JJ at Home with the Notebook after being separated from Naoise, Disposes of the "Wallpaper" and reads the lyrics, and that's when we see JJ thinks himself a DJ.

Sorry, I said that wrong!

He thinks himself a 

DEEESHZAY!!

He puts the poetry to music, becoming "Amach Anocht" (Out Tonight). Liam and Naoise Rap in the places they are in currently, with notes from the Notebook replacing the Regular Subtitles, it's a nice artistic touch, except the words are small on my device and they are not in one fixed point, making it hard to read the translation. However, you can watch this film as it was meant to be watched on Amazon Prime! 

Liam Og is in contact with Arlo, posing as a yoga instructor on the Strand. Speaking to his son in the car he stole during the song, which disappoints the Fugitive, to the point he won't even speak his displeasure in Irish "You can speak Irish, but you don't Understand it. The History. The Pain."

Arlo wants the family to Arrange an Anniversary service for him, it's nearly a Decade since he was reported dead, So a mass should convince The "Peelers" to get off his back. Before he leaves, Liam gives his father a Birthday card, which only makes Arlo sneer and call his son an idiot, if the Police pulled over his stolen car, they would put two and two together!

Once out of jail, Naoise and Liam commit medical Fraud by scamming Anti-Depressants from clinics all over the city, Bemoaning that being part of the "Ceasefire Generation" means they must hear constantly from the generations before them, how great they have it. And the Realization that the Peace that was Fought for, comes with Peace and Quiet and nothing to fight for. 

Naoise also tells the Doctor he has developed a Fe**sh, he only finds Protestant girls attractive and on the moment of "Release", he screams in Irish "Our Time has Come!"-An IRA warcry, to the anger of the girls who hear it, until the impossible happens, one night Naoise is Hate-You-Know-Whatting a Girl, she Starts to Hate-You-Know-Whatting Him Back!

Naoise walks home when he is Greeted by the Unwelcome Sight of an Orange Order Marching Band outside his Estate, at first he wants no trouble but he is triggered by the Hate Group teaching a Young Child to swing a Baton. As it is thrown in the air, Naoise steals the Baton. As the Orangemen give Chase, as a medley of Prodigy Songs play out, at the same time, JJ is driving about and sees the scene happening in his rear view mirror. 

The Teacher helps the Young Hood for a second time, Fate has bought the 3 together,as it turns out, JJ was driving around the Estates, hoping to find Naoise to Return the notebook. At an arcade, Liam Og meets Them and they Discuss Forming a band, Liam is Reluctant as Irish and Hip-hop are like Oil and water, but JJ calls Irish "The last Dodo at a Zoo, Under Glass", That Someone should break that glass to let it live or Die on it's own terms, Free!

It's a Mutual Trade at First, the Boys use JJ's Music Equipment for a mixtape and they get JJ Smashed!

After the 1st Session, No-one is the same so it's a Downer for JJ to return to his job of teaching Irish Music to Dead-eyed Rich kids, Liam and Naoise meet JJ Outside school but JJ blows them off when his wife is outside waiting for him. She's Suspicious of the 2 "Smicks" he was talking to. She had picked him up to collect him, ready to picket the New Language Act Protest tonight, but the wife does know he and Them are into somethin,  and Dr*gs are involved!  

While Naoise has Another Hate making Session with the Girl he's seeing, and tries to impress her with rap. So she asks them what they are called? And In the Spur of the moment, he says "Kneecap" as it's the one thing Belfast is famous for, which confuses Liam "If that was the Case, we should be called the Titanics!"

As this is going on, the Boys are Digging up JJ's garden, as the lie he told to get out of meeting them wasgettingg his garden paved. So with a gig booked to impress a Girl who will neveracknowledgee him, Naoise's Blackmail of JJ works as all 3 record a more political song "C.E.A.R.T.A" (R.I.G.H.T.S)

The "Gig" is nothing more than Singing at an Uncle's Pub During a Slow Shift, With JJ DJing in a backroom, in case a Student or Parent recognises him. The older Generation doesn't get it, But a Bar worker their Age Records it on her a Phone and it goes up on her socials.

While throwing a ball around an Abandoned Factory, Naoise and Liam are Confronted by a Social Justice Group, The Radicalised Republicans Against Dr*gs. They want to know who their Dealer is, expect Naoise's Monologue tells us it's the Postman. "People like to say the Internet is Mankind's Greatest Achievement. That's because they never bought stuff on the Dark Web. " In fact, all their Supplies are delivered disguised as legitimate products and delivered by a hapless Postal Service. They headbutt the leader, the Dissident named ..."Dissie Doyle," but Naoise breaks the Fourth wall by Fast Forwarding the beating R.R.A.D. Goons give them.

In JJ'S Choir Practice, He finds 2 Students listening to music on headphones, and shocked to hear Kneecap! As the Pub Agrees to let them have another concert, as long as the Uncle is Paid in "Product" to do so, While Mrs O'Dorataigh's leads a protest for the Irish Language.

So imagine the Other's Shock when they hear their song being Sang by Passers by and Young people turning up to the pub. This is not good for JJ -there are some of his students here who will see him get to his decks. So Liam Hands JJ a Tricolour Balaclava. He's now DJ Provai!

After Doing a Line Each, The Kneecap as we know it emerge. However, they didn't take co*aine, they took 3 "Consonants and a Vowel", and they think Liam is Gerry Adams in a Cameo. Then they shuffle out on a bad trip to sing about a Bad trip, as R.R.A.D Looks on!

This new Found fame makes Delores it's unwitting Victim, as the Worst of the Self-righteous on Both sides has Delores in a Pincer movement. The pub is trashed by R.R.A.D, And DCI Ellis is here to offer "Protection" from R.R.A.D If they have any info on Arlo's whereabouts. Delores refuses this blatant blackmail.

"Tell me, how do you like your tea again? In a cup or just thrown in your face?"

After Cleaning the Pub, the Boys attend Arlo's Fake Memorial, which is hijacked by R.R.A.D, who use this opportunity to turn the older generation against the younger. Liam has a bad trip that makes him think Dissie is going to shoot him, but it's actually a 1 gun salute.

JJ and his wife are driving when the police pull them over, the DCI Ellis (Josie Walker) , knowing Delores is too tough, instead breaking the teacher who is not working class, but from the Soft Middle, as her "In" to find Arlo. Blackmailing JJ, who surmises he is keeping being DJ Provai a secret from his well-to-do wife and his employers. Or is it some sad mid-life crisis? After all, no one in Ulster wants to listen to what some "Low life Scum" thinks.

This inspires JJ to lead the next song, "Low Life Scum," inspired by the incident. It's doubly bad for R.R.A.D. as the pub  gets the rap as the bar you can pay for drinks with Dr*gs. The Girl that Naoise is seeing , the one who has her jollies being with a Catholic and Republican...is offended by his lyrics. They fight and then kiss, then Georgia tell Naoise she truly hates him and I'm sure we'll Neeever see her again!

JJ is watching a TV debate that his wife is on, and the Unionist Senator derides Kneecap as a group who promotes Violence, and drinking and D**gs, who invoke Terrorist Imagery should not be representatives to save a Dying Language. 

Delores finds Arlo in her Sitting room and after concluding he is a not a medically induced hallucination, Arlo tears into Delores for raising a dealer, that he can't have people like that in his "Operation". Delores loses it-THERE IS NO OPERATION!, Liking Arlo to those old Japanese men in some secluded jungle who still think There is a war. She tells him that they are doing more with their lives than Arlo ever did as part of the "Operation", and that Naoise and Liam Og have become better men because of it!  

DCI Ellis returns home and finds her drawer open. Unholstering her weapon, she goes up the stairs into her niece's bedroom, and finds a depraved scene with Georgia and Naoise's in A balaclava. Turns out Georgia is DCI Ellis' niece. So The Detective is furious when she finds out his identity. So Ellis thinks the relationship is him getting back at her, and not because of Georgia's own deep seated Issues.

The next day at a Gaelic football match between JJ's school and another, JJ's wife recognises "The Kneecappers" and drags JJ to give them a piece of her mind. They quote JJ's analogy of Irish being "The last Dodo under glass", and laugh when JJ's wife doesn't recognise his own beliefs, even if he never said the analogy to her word for word.

Liam Og gives the next monologue about Change, as things do change, the crowds get bigger, the music main stream, Georgia Softens as Ellis hardens calling an Irish Speaking Minister for a favour, after the latest gig and turning into stop motion while vegetating, Kneecap are visiting by a showrunner for RTE, Who would like to play a song on the radio in the republic, realizing they could make bank selling Irish Songs to the Irish, they head to the Studio.

It's just a shame, that R.R.A.D. Have burnt it to the Ground. 

With 6 months of work destroyed, tempers flare with the boys blaming JJ, but it's JJ who has an idea, his own problem, maybe Kneecap's Solution.  So the music teacher breaks into his school, getting on security cameras in the process and use the school's decades old and archaic instruments, including A Roland 808 to record for the Irish State Irish  Language radio station. That song was "3 Consonants and a Vowel"- Yes, the song that RnaG will end up banning! 

JJ gives them the song, but realizing the cameras will show him Aiding and Abetting A Break-in, he leaves the band to hopefully save something of his life.

It gets worse financially for Liam and Naoise too, as R.R.A.D. has taken over the Postal Route, to find Liam and Naoise personally. But Liam has a plan, to record Dissie Doyle Confessing to burning the studio. Instead, they reveal that they are hypocrites. They don't want Dru*s off the streets, just off CATHOLIC streets. They want The boys to continue to deal for the Republican cause, and if it means Republican d*ugs k*ll Unionist teenagers, what's the harm?

Liam Og calls Arlo, but both are too stubborn and too proud to say anything. To drive the point home, they turn Liam into a young boy who just wants his daddy!

The cat is out of the bag, and the school knows Mr JJ  O'Dorataigh is DJ Provai. And despite student support, JJ must meet the School Board in a Disciplinary Meeting, one of them being the Minister on the take for DCI Ellis, so JJ was going to be fired no matter what. And his wife knew. After all, when the band mooned an audience, you would know a wife would recognize her husband's backside! She's finally happy that he's happy again, but the marriage is over.  They want to see the Irish language flourish, but she wants to do it through Positive Action and Due Process.  She leaves him with one last bit of advice "NO ONE IS EVER ANYTHING, UNTIL THEY ARE." They kiss before he leaves the car.

It's the day of the Irish Language Rights March in Belfast with JJ Despite being fired, attends while listening to the Radio for Their Song, as in Delores' house, her sons do the same. Only to be angered that they pull their song as track of the week for a fluffier song. Then Liam gets a call at that moment, from the Showrunner, claiming that complaints were made about the lyrics of "Three Consonants and a Vowel." 

For the first time since Arlo left, Delores, A woman riddled with mental health problems that made her housebound, who was dependent on Medication, does her make up, does her hair, picks a slightly better dress and leaves the house to do her part...as there is one medium more powerful than radio!

And that's an Irish Working class Mammie Complaining about the Government at the Hairdressers!

Soon a city wide Game of Chinese Whispers is  afoot, as every retelling of the story snowballs out of control.  And soon an official complaint is made by the people on Kneecap's behalf, claiming the Irish State ran radio station discriminated against the band....for being from Northern Ireland.  

And soon their next concert is sold out, as all the band's enemies watch In anger, and with a peace offering of drink, JJ is back. But it's not all good news.  The cowards in the Irish state ran radio have banned Kneecap's back catalogue outright, according to the stage hand who hands them a newspaper. JJ Is surprised the Protestant girl can speak Irish, the stage hand replies she's learning it-Thanks to them!

The doors open to the public, and Arlo in a hoodie, slinks into the concert crowd, as does R.R.A.D. Liam stagedives into the crowd and sees his father, but dismisses It as a lookalike. 

After Addressing the Controversy that they were told not to Politicize the Irish language,  only to point out, it's always being Politicized, the band act out their revenge on Doyle, by playing the blackmail Liam recorded. Best not to irritate a criminal with a gun on him or this is going to end like the NWA concert In Detroit ....and that's what Happens, Dissie, shoots a round into the air, which causes a panic and the police to attempt to arrest Kneecap when they run off stage. JJ is beaten by riot police, Naoise Is blindsided by DCI Ellis, and R.R.A.D kidnaps Liam in the boot of a car. That's when Arlo reveals himself to Dissie, and says he's returned to join R.R.A.D. And he wants to k*ll Liam as it is a father's duty to punish his son.

In the police station Ellis Brutalizes Naoise for seeing Georgia, admitting to setting the fire. As she repeatedly trounces Naoise, he visualizes Georgia in a bout of K**ky S*x, He realizes he loves her despite being bloody, as the other officers pull their boss off him for going too far. 

Back in the alleyway, Arlo saves his son, by wounding R.R.A.D. and K*lling their two new members, all the while, Arlo calls out Dissie for being an amateur, that the two men he shoot were MI5. Then In a sense of irony, Arlo Kneecaps Dissie and the 2 goons. He tells Liam he is proud of them, but he has to do what he about to do. And that's turn himself in for the 2 murders he just committed. As Naoise goes free, he sees Arlo being arrested, Arlo and Ellis just stare at each other as Naoise monologues the final point. "Every Word is A Bullet, but there had being too many of both up to now, maybe Silence is Best!"

Every word spoken is a bullet, but they didn't start as a bullet or a gun or revolutionaries.  As we see JJ in Adult Education teaching Foreign Nationals Irish, his ex-wife in Stormont and Kneecap in concert. They were never set out to change the world, it just happened as they wanted their world to be better, as we see Delores singing in a pub. Naoise has one final  thought "Language is made of Stories. Nations are made from Language" as a caption gives us a "Good news, Bad news" situation.  Yes, the Irish language Act was made law in 2022, but  statistics show an indigenous language dies every 40 days. But Naoise's voice  realises that's a Downer, so he calls for an encore of "Low Life Scum" as real concert footage is played.

THIS FILM LIVES UP TO THE HYPE! FRANK, BRUTAL, GRITTY, AND YET AT IT'S CORE IS A  FILM THAT'S WITTY & FUNNY WITH A MESSAGE OF HOPE AT IT'S HEART!

As opposed to last month's film, where Jerry Seinfeld told lies to make pop tarts interesting, this film  is a fictionalized version of how Kneecap was formed. However JJ meeting Naoise the way they did, that was true. But this is not really about Kneecap, it's about how the Irish language struggled up North and the unlikely ambassadors to make it relevant to Generation Z and beyond. But I want to be honest with you: I WANTED TO HATE THIS FILM! I thought these 3 were going to invoke the worst parts of the Irish stereotype and it would p*ss me off! And yet, despite the leads playing Dealers and users and self described "Low Life Scum ", they are amiable and likeable. Naoise displays that in the scene where he stole the Baton from the child in the Orangemen marching band, he could have bit his tongue, but seeing a child being indoctrinated into a hate group, drove him to do what they did. Liam is a boy who just wants his dad back (though, in real life, Liam and Naoise are not brothers!) JJ is frustrated at a job where Irish is  not only taught in the same way for generations,  but in a part of the world where up til recently, it's utterance was almost as seen as an Admitance to criminality. The songs are Sang in both Irish and English, the lyrics gelling well between the two. 

The supporting cast lead by Fassbender fleshes out the Reality of Belfast up to this point, the generations of hatred pressured onto the new generation, that after years of being told to fight, there is nothing left to fight as an mistrusting ease is now in place of war. On the cinematography side, the film is shot in a myriad of styles. Like a drama, when needed, like a comedy, obviously like a music video and even a stop-motion sequence that comes straight out of the blue! There are also sketch like animated flourishes that appear to enhance a scene or translate a lyric that gives the film some identity. The Script is clever, emotional and the characters, even the ridiculous premise of R.R.A.D, are so realistic that it's almost frightening! 

If you can withstand constant F-Bombs in this film's Runtime,  you'll Find a film that at it's heart is about 3 men who, despite the world being against them, Helped in some way to preserve the Language and Culture they loved. 

CREDITS

Kneecap was reviewed, compiled, and edited by Eamonn Bermingham. 

With Media from

Kneecap 

Harry Enfield and chums

All media used belong to their respective owners.

Kneecap was produced by Curzon in association with Tg4, Screen Guild Northern Ireland, and the British Film Institute. 

Next month, you make the call!

Under this paragraph are the next 4 Netflix originals I WILL review this year however, this poll will determine the order I will review the the films in the months I have no wrestling shows to review in choice months.

Here are your 4 choices, the 3 not chosen will make up the next poll in July. If by some shock, no one leaves a comment, or the poll is not possible on X, The Default review will be Nan.

The Most comments to this post will be added to the poll on X, which will be pinned on my X account,  @RealEnli.

Here are your 4 choices.

The default Order will start with 

1. Nan

You may only have known Catherine Tate as Donna Noble on Doctor Who, but before that she had her own sketch show, her most well known character is that of a politically incorrect Grandma....it's as bad as all the other times a 5 minute sketch has being stretched to a 60 minutes plus film 

2. Cassandra: Mother knows Best

Highly recommended on Netflix horror search, A mix of MEGAN and Disney Dream House.  An AI house is moved into after years of abandonment, and it's program, Cassandra, takes Drastic Measures that it will never be lonely again!

3 Infinity  Pool

Brandon Cronenberg, the son of David, starts off where his father has fell off, with a shocking horror that His father use to do. Will have to develop a strong stomach to deal with This film filled with Hedonism, Blood and Cloning Blues.

4 Kinda Pregnant 

No doubt because Schumer The Hutt has been asked, "When's The Baby Due?" All her adult life, Amy plays a Woman who fakes being pregnant for the attention. This is up her alley, as of course she gets to tells jokes that would make a vulture vomit!

The poll will close on the 17th of March. The next fixed film will be 299th and 300th post Black Adam in late April and May. Any votes will change the order and the winning film will be replaced by another, when the second poll is made during the summer.

THE CRAP FILMS OF HUGH GRANT: UNFROSTED-AKA THE FILM ABOUT POPTARTS!

 Sometimes When you look at something you have to ask....

"WHY?"

Why does this exist?

WHO ASKED FOR THIS?

Case in point-a dozen of Sitcom's unfunniest Actors and one Washed-up Hugh "P*RV-O" Grant, In a film about, of all things-the invention of Pop-Tarts.

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF A NEW FILM!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR COMEDIC VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE, INNUENDO AND SOME OUTDATED THINKING! SOME WORDS WILL BE EDITED FROM NOW ON!

So Netflix may not have physical Covers but the films still come with Promotional Artwork and HOOO BOY! They have a lot of busywork on this poster!

On top and front and centre are the Trifecta of Over-rated and Unfunny-Jerry Seinfeld, Melissa "Screaming Falling down Fat Woman" McCarthy and Amy Schumer The Hutt! Underneath Seinfeld's big grin, a Pop-tart blasts from a toaster like a rocket and underneath from the smoke, all the chaos this little breakfast food for Scum parents who couldn't be ar*ed to feed their kids properly in the mornings, namely exploding cows, Kellogg's vans being robbed by kids (this scene was removed but it remains in the Blooper reel!), Jim Gattigan  doing some spying, Christian Slater dressed as a Psychotic Milkman, Grant having his career Low, Yer Man from the US office with the teeth dressed as an astronaut and 3 Guys dressed as Snap, Crackle and Pop. All this causes a second Seinfeld and McCarthy to run for their lives!

The Film Starts with a Boy packing all his belongings in a Bindle and walks into a Diner, he orders 2 Pop-Tarts and asks the Restaurant owner to leave the Box, he asks the Runaway if he had a bad day, the Boy reads the Comic on the box Claiming, the invention of Pop Tarts was Pies created by a "Grandma Kellogg". The man drinking coffee beside him, says that is a bunch of Baloney and the Boy asks him how does he know, that's when the camera Pans up to reveal Jerry Seinfeld.

To Distract the Child from Vagrantism, Bob Cabana, Kellogg's Marketing Man on a Mission tells the story of his partial creation. Let's go back to the 1960s, a Simpler Time where Breakfast was Milk and Cereal, and after Introducing Milkman Mike (Christian Slater) we are introduced to Battle Creek, Michigan, The Cereal Capital of America, home to Kellogg's and Post.

Any one in Europe be like,

We Cut to, not surprisingly for this film, A WHOLE LOT OF A*S!, as we get a Close up of Harry Kellogg's (Jim Gaffigan) Butt using a Hemmoroid Massage Reel, After Harry and Bob Go through A Conversation that boils to "Kids are Stupid, They"ll buy anything we tell them!" Bob is sent to his first Issue of the day. We Cut to Tony The Tiger, Played by Mr Divine Intervention himself, Hugh P*rv-o Grant!

Seeing this Muppet dressed like that in a Film this Bad Is the Gift that keeps on giving! Grant plays Thurle Ravenscroft, Classically trained Ac-TOR Who thinks this is beneath him.

Art Should Be Imitating Life Here!

Thurle Sarcastically greets Bob because the Director wants a retake on a cereal ad, time he needs to audition for King Lear, so In a fit of frustration, Thurle rolls his Rs in pronouncing Great, and a Catchphrase is born.

Bob Cabana as the RnD guy has a lot on his plate....err....Bowl....his actors are unhappy, his products unhealthy and his focus groups dahm near Kidnap children for their Opinion!

But Tonight is a Special Night in Battle Creek, It's Bowl and Spoon Awards. The table top Rivalry between Kellogg's and Post, As Marjorie Post (Schumer) Believes her Fruity Pebbles will stop Kellogg's from winning the whole spread.

OH POST MAKES FRUITY PEBBLES, I AT LEAST HEARD OF THEM, ITS NICE THAT FRED FLINTSTONE IS THE MASCOT TO SOMETHING SOMEWHAT HEALTHIER THAN CIGARETTES!

Ms Post gets into Kellogg's Head that Post is onto Something big, after making fun of the Actual Quaker, who owns Quaker Oats (" Hello Isaiah Lamp,  You planning to make anything NEW this year?") Kellogg's sweep the board of the awards show they own. However the Post Contingent are acting like they have an ace in the hole. 

The next day, Bob sees a Strange Sight, two kids load themselves into post Cereal Skips as they are dumped into the Garbage Van, as the two kids struggle to get out of the Garbage Truck to get into the next skip. Bob asks what is going on and  the trash collector says the kids have being going into the skips for months to grab what the collector describes as "THE GOO!"

Curious, Bob finds two Hillbilly Children, Scabby and Butchie, off their little heads on Run off Gluten that had Baked Into Biscuits in the sun. The girl offers it like a Spl*ff at a Festival and Covered in excessively Sugary Jam, the Monstrously Sweet Combo's Taste overloads Bob's Adult Pallet and gives him a very angry Realization.

"Post are Creating A Fruit Filled Dingus!"

This is Bad for Kellogg's, if Post creates a Breakfast food that's easier to prepare than Cereal, Then Kellogg's has lost the Cereal Wars. Bob's dream of putting his kids through college and owning real grass on his lawn maybe over!

So Post has Confirmed it's new Product on the news, as Harry Puts his best man in the job, Chester Slick, Head of Security and his Camera Mop, who uncovered the Viscous Goo of the product until Marjorie tells the Fake Janitor to get the mop out of her Face!

In Post's office we see Post had stolen Bob's own research into a Making A Dingus, the only reason they have Kellogg research is that Post sent their own Fake Janitor spy with a Badly disguised Camera, this time front and centre on a Floor Buffer!

Alternatives like Fruit Purée in Sardine cans and Corn puffs filled with cream corn don't cut the mustard. But Bob has an Idea-Bring back "Stan". Harry is shocked thinking Bob fired "Stan" because he hated "Stan". Bob says he only fired HER! Because she was Fat and Annoying!

Fat And Annoying?

Why that could only be one person....

Yes, Working in Cape Canaveral as NASA's Food Scientist is Donna Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy) After Bob Convinces Her no way in Hell, they are letting a Food Scientist on the moon, Stan just leaves to return to Kellogg's. And I guess Contracts and Government patents she may have claims on and the legal ramifications of just upping and leaving don't exist in this fantasy land!

In Post, Marjorie has found the two Dumpster Divers and Planned in suing them for eating Company property, Instead she has her Toadie Ludwig to get her the Prototype Toastable Snack, However despite catching fire and Shocking Ludwig, she instead shoves untoasted Prototypes onto the children. The Verdict "Better than what they find in the dumpster" gives Marjorie a Twisted Smile!

After a Cereal Buffet, Donna, Bob and Harry get to Business, Kellogg wants their entire man power being Betting Post, But Donna has a Better Idea-Outside Sources. she Already had A List of people "And they are already on a plane!....well he lives here and he's on a bus.... and Einstein is Dead....but you get the idea!"

So Kellogg's has a Press Conference to Announce it's Race for the Breakfast Dingus: And they have Assembled a Winning team of Outside Sources, in Marketing, in Design, in Food and Nutrition. The Kellogg's Taste Pilots (Consisting of 5 Different Yer Man from 5 Different Sitcoms!)  the Team of Soft Serve Ice-cream inventor, Tom Carvell, Bicycle maker Steve Scwin, Chef Boyardee, Shopping channel Nutritionist John Lelaine, Sea Monkeys Inventor Harold Von Braunhut and IBM's Univach computer!

Already this Brain trust is a bust, Scwin doesn't know why he's here, Carvell is Rude to reporters and Harold Von Braunhut...Well I'd leave that to your own Google Search, but given it's a German Man in the 1960s, the reporters ask him where he was 20 years ago!

But it's not all good news! The Milkman are afraid that the existence of a Breakfast Dingus would cut into their Bottom Line and put them out of jobs. so Harry warns Bob and Donna that they are angering very Dangerous people. After all why do you think they put Missing people on Milk Cartons? As a WARNING NOT TO MESS AROUND WITH MILKMEN!

Week 2 of Dingus production and Cracks are starting to show, Braunhut reveals Sea Monkeys to be the scam that they are, Boyardee fears deportation because of Debt and someone has Programmed the Supercomputer to be Sexist!

While Schumer continues to be unpleasant to anyone with a P*nis, (SHE'S NOT ACTING!) Thurle Ravenscroft comes in dressed as King Lear with his Troupe, he reveals that under Contract to play Tony the Tiger in ads and appearances, that he, when he gets other Roles, gets to Grace Kellogg's with Much Needed Cultural Refinement. But it can wait, Marge post has called a Meeting of the Five Cereal Families tonight.

There is only one Matter to Discuss, The Dingus and who's making one, with everyone else out, Marjorie has some unreasonable demands: For her new product she wants Child  Eye-level Shelving and advertising during the most popular cartoons on Saturday mornings and to expect to be given in on those demands when her Product lands on shelves-NEXT WEEK!

Defeated, Donna Complains about the Keebler Cookies Marjorie supplied, pining over the fact that despite being sweet and half covered in Chocolate, they are never sugary enough, that's when Bob has a lightbulb moment!

This brings the two Kellogg's Reps to Puerto Rico, to meet with a Sugar Baron called El Sucre, who straight up they portray the only Hispanic Character as a Gangster, they buy all the Baron's Sugar but the Unhinged Baron is a man who hates Disrespect, as evidenced when a Ventriloquist's Dummy insulting him is shot! Not the Ventriloquist, The Dummy, because he said it!

Back in America, Harry and Marjorie continue to Spy on Each other, Marjorie Nearly Bludgeons Ludwig to death for even Suggesting making healthier Products for children.

The next day, Milkman Mike threatens Bob, At Kellogg's each of the Experts used Kellogg's time to make their own products and nothing resembling cereal, Boyardee was on to something with a Square, But he baked Sea Monkeys into it! And the Supercomputer predicts Post wins, Which Upsets Harry "I didn't need a Million Dollar Abacus to tell me it's all Garbage!" 

While throwing out the patents, Bob meets  the Dumpster Divers who new obsession is combining Stale rice Krispies with left over marshmallows. ("it's a real Treat!") They tell Bob Sometimes instead of Making something new, you should combine what you have. Boyardee was into Something, with the Shape, but everyone had contributed a Philosophy to the Pop-Tarts project. Carvell the name kids trust, Lelaine with a Foil Surface that keeps the inside hot like his Sauna Pants, and Scwin making things small and more accessible to kids like his bikes. For instance, kids cannot use an oven, but they can use a toaster.

"Stan, My Friend, I do believe we just split the atom of Breakfast!"

ACTUAL QUOTE!

To get a Bigger, Cheaper Stock of Sugar, Post goes to the USSR to make a deal for their supply, in exchange for American Style Children's Cereal for the Russian Market-Borscht Loops, Krumblins, and Count Vodkala, Which Ludwig is strongarmed into eating a 90% proof Alcohol Flake ! And the Russian Minister will only seal the deal, if one of them has "THE S*X!" With him, and given Ludwig is Bleeding from the poisoned flake, he suggests his boss takes one for the Team. 

Milkman Mike Kidnaps Bob and brings him to Friendly Farm to talk with his boss, Frank Friendly (Peter Dinklage), who despite being a little person, tortures Bob by locking him a cow shed, Mrs Cabana is upset that Bob had being mentally scarred by being literally Crapped on for hours before being found. Bob is out the Project until a helicopter lands on his lawn, there is someone who wants Kellogg's to succeed.

JFK!

Word that Post has Started Treason Season by trading In Soviet Sweetener has not gone down well, So the Government had Put the Kibosh on Caribbean Ships including Kellogg's Puerto Rican Shipment, because the Cuban Ships trading Sugar also had Weapons in board, yes Kellogg's was Front and centre to the Cuban Missile Crisis! Kellogg's needs their Sugar Shipment to even have a Chance to beat Post and their Commie Cereal. But they want a favour, they want the Milkmen off their backs, JFK says The Sucre Baron not being paid on time is their problem, but he will get Bobby to cut spending by the Dairy industry!

In a Bar, Thurle and Milkman Mike Vent their Hatred for Kellogg's. Venting quickly becomes a Plot for revenge.

Week 6 and Test Cooking the Dingus is treated like a NASA Launch, Steve is dressed as a Spaceman hooked up to a working Oxygen tank, he cranks up the heat of the toaster to maximum and eats it. The test is a Success! Then the oxygen tank is dislodged and Steve explodes when the gas is exposed to the toaster.

Okay....Did Kellogg's just Confess to K*lling a Bike company executive in the 60's?

Actually I had to Google Search this. There is a Scwin Bicycle company, but there was never a Stephen Schwin. It was founded by an Ignacio Schwin, but he died of a stroke in 1948.

Kellogg's didn't blow a guy up making Pop-Tarts!

"NOT THIS TIME! IT NEVER HAPPENED! WE MADE IT UP!"

So Stephen Schwin is Buried with quote "Full Cereal Honours" in his service to Cereal. The Mass is served by Isaiah Lamp, the Quaker Oats Quaker. The Mascots are Pallbearers, Toucan Sam Sings Ava Maria in a Baritone voice, as Schwin is buried in a six foot hole with milk and cereal. As Steve's Widow looks on in bewilderment, as his coffin rises to the top, Snap, Crackle and Pop Fold a Paper prize like Soldiers folding a Flag to present to this verklempt widow.

I Think the Correct Response to seeing this scene, is the picture of Kenny Omega having another wrestler's finger up his ar*e on Japanese television and his defence in having it done to him by claiming that "It's ART!"

"OH IT'S ART!"

At the funeral are all  four factions who want to see Kellogg's Fail, The Milkmen, The Russians, The Sucre Boys and the Mascots led by Thurle, who learns that Pop-Tarts will have no mascot, So no Cereal Means no Actors to bring Mascots to life. So Thurle Proposes A Strike.

The interception of Cuban missiles had inadvertently caused a Missile crisis, so Harry does what he can to the end the cereal war, and that's have an Affair with Marjorie Post, Thankfully we don't see Schumer undress as she is frightened off by Ravioli Boy (There is a side plot that Boyardee and Von Braunhut created a Pasta/Sea Monkey hybrid that escaped into Kellogg's Vent!)

As the Mascots Strike, John Hamm makes his cameo Revising the Role from that show noone watched the First time around, to spin the market for The Dingus, he in Mad Men fashion, shows boxes Of "Jelle Jolie" with Women in Negligees. after all, s*x Sells.

WOW! 28 MINUTES LEFT AND YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME LAUGH! THANK YOU, NEW SIX DEGREES ACTOR-MAN!

So desperate for feedback, they get the Hillbilly Children to rat on everything Post said Infront of them. Butchy gets curious of Harry's Butt Massager, and his candy necklace gets caught on the reels, making him dizzy enough to have random letters spin on the blackboard when his vision comes back to him. The name of the Dingus will be...

TRAT POP!

So for Comedy's sake that becomes the name and Harry fires all the Mascots in favour of cartoons this leads to Thurle modifying his Costume to Bad Taste Levels!

A FDA Man Stalls Signing the Approval Contract, that Post has already Launched Country Squares as the Mascot's Union, even mascots of products that are not cereal are participating in raiding Kellogg's HQ, But Bob, sick of Mr Muntz' Stalling, grabs his Stamp of Approval and signs the Signature himself, causing Thurle, Snap Crackle and Pop to make a Dignified Retreat now the bill has past....or as Dignified as grown men in Costumes can be!

The News Goes out that the Mascot Riot is over a new product but thanks to Walter Cronkite reading the name backwards imprinted on a piece of Silly Putty (LOOK THE FILM IS NEARLY OVER, DON'T QUESTION IT!) 45 Million people think the new product is called "Pop Tarts" and you know what, the name grows on everyone!

There is a literal race between truckers supplying Pop Tarts and Country Squares. Harry gets a Call, POP TARTS COMPLETELY DESTROYED COUNTRY SQUARES! "It's because no child ever would want to be a Square, or admit he or she's from the Country!" Bob Holds up 2 of the prototypes in each arm, claiming that "These 2 Pop Tarts are most the  important pair of Slabs Since the Ten Commandments!"

And so Bob ends his Story with more lies about real People and things, Claiming Ravioli Boy was Adopted and Raised by Harold Von Braunhut and Chef Boyardee, Carvell and Lelaine set up gyms and Ice-cream parlours next to each to profit of Human Hypocrisy, Thurle was Tried as a Terrorist, Univach was Drafted to Vietnam, Milkman Mike may have Assassinated JFK, They did tell the Truth on Marjorie Post, that she was a celebrated Female executive and a Feminist Icon, who used her wealth to created the Margo-Largo resort, now Back to the lies!

Stan left Kellogg's once more to become a Hippy inventing A Thing that Harry finds Disgusting called "Granola", and Bob made enough money to put his kids through college and have real grass on his lawn, but not before being nearly Assassinated by Andy Warhol for creating a product named very closely like "Pop-Art" 

"Your Fifteen Minutes are Up, Cabana!"

ACTUAL F*CKING QUOTE!

But he was Saved by the Foil wrapped Pop-Tart in his jacket pocket that stopped the bullet!

And so the film ends with the runaway, Frank,  Distracted long enough for his parents to find him and bring him home, when he turns to thanks Bob, Ravioli Boy peeps out of Bob's Jacket pocket and calls Frank's name, and the boy reacts like the end of a Holiday movie, like the man he was talking to all this time was Santa Clause!

And the Film Ends with a Blooper Reel, and like I said at the end of another stinker, Meet The Millers, If your Comedy film can't be funny in the time Allotted, Then you are just Wasting everyone's time!

THIS FILM HAS 5 RAZZIES BEING PENDED AT THIS YEAR'S AWARDS, 3 FOR STAR, WRITER AND DIRECTOR JERRY SEINFELD! IT'S THAT BAD!

"The Preceding Story was False, They were LIES! But, they are ENTERTAINING Lies. and in the end, isn't that the greatest truth of all?"

The Answer Sadly ....is no!

They Couldn't make a Good True Story so they padded it With Lies and Tasteless Tired Jokes about JFK'S Philandering, faking the moon landing and Drunk Rushkis that would have being Tired and played out 6 decades ago! Shocker to absolutely No-one, But Seinfeld, McCarthy and Schumer's Comedy are as Welcome as a Fart in a Church, With Schumer Adding her Signature Crudeness and Spite as you would expect. Sequences are introduced just to have people scratch their heads in confusion, like a Ventriloquist giving his dummy CPR after the doll was shot, Or the "Full Cereal Honours" sequence being Monumentally Stupid! I knew this "Biopic" was Baloney the Moment the Actors winked at the camera and hand-waved Future Events like Jackie Kennedy remarrying Aristotle Onassis and the failed Insurrection, thus Proving one thing: A Biopic on the true Story of the Breakfast For Lazy Hungover Parents was too Boring to Play straight.

The American Author Mark Twain once wrote "Never Let Something as Small as the Truth get in the way from a Good Story". Well, Seinfeld Lied for an hour and half, and it was still bad!

CREDITS

Unfrosted was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited, By Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli on twitter

With Media from:

Unfrosted

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction

The Simpsons

All Media used belong to their respective owners.

Unfrosted was Produced by Columbus 81 productions for Netflix

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

From a Surefire Razzie to a film that was Snubbed out of Oscars. This years St Patrick's Special is a Controversial one, The Fly on the wall style Irish Language Film following Belfast Hip-hop Band, KNEECAP!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E!

CHAPTER 7- PILGRIM OF THE DIGITAL PLAIN.

For the First time since Being on Harmonus Eamonn felt Happy, 

But, unlike that were he was practically in a simulation, this was Genuine, as like the Devil's Fragment had no Physical form, he took was No longer bound to The Grey Area. He had will again, but there was a problem.

Will is all well and good, but he was Aimless.

Scratch that, Rewind it!

He HAD A Goal: to get home, but this was not being stuck in another country. This was being stuck in a different plain, he was on Earth but those people he encountered were just Echoes of people having thoughts that were Discarded like A sweetie paper, fleeting things that are quickly tossed and forgotten!

Still he had no idea what this power was, who gave it to him, or even what it looked like. He knew he had 2 power gloves and yes he was no longer naked, but he longed for the power to pull items from dvds to borrow a mirror. 

His plan was lay low and try to convince the Appraisers of Will to free him. However since they are convinced to be the only proprietors of Will in the Universe, The Creatures are Treasures given voice and opinion, Tiferet had an ego when he insulted him, and no doubt the others are powerful enough in magic, after all how could be be living treasure and not be the target for thieves? 

No. For now, Given their Egos. It was time to act dumb. To Wait and Watch. To find a chink in their armour.

Not knowing that a rescue party was being made... whether 2 members wanted to or not!