A lot of production companies in charge of Certain Fandoms that reach worldwide Status, usually hire actors from that country of origin, who before gaining fame outside that country, usually have their previous works get overshadowed by that very fandom.
Case in point, Before Doctor Who, Catherine Tate is and was a Sketch Show Comedienne who, after Playing Donna Noble and seemingly Breaking America, Returned to her career at the BBC.
And she Hasn't really appeared in Anything of Merit Since. A Cameo here, a Side Character there, A role as either an Evil Parent, or Useless Adult in one of the adaptions of David Walliams' Rip-off Roald Dahl books. So maybe a return to her own show will help?
There is only one problem with that!
Unlike Harry Enfield, who we did years ago in Kevin and Perry Go Large, Tate's characters are not as recognizable as many of the sketches did not have canon names. Tate's back Catalogue of shows as wide as it is, only had 3 named characters, namely Lauren the Teenager, Bernie the Useless Irish Nurse and Nan.
There are other sketches, but let's be honest, COULD YOU? sit at the cinema, and watch an one hour version of Going On Guess, What Am I Like or Easily Surprised Woman?
And if you don't know or remember, given that as I said these sketches had no fixed Character name let's me give you a synopsis, and prove it could have been a lot worse:
An office worker makes her colleague guess what she did, with what she actually did being the most boring thing possible! |
A Stupid Woman Recants the stupid thing that nearly almost definitely would have killed her, her husband or children like mistaking flour for cement and having a good Ole laugh about it! |
I MEAN....IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS CHARACTER YOU CAN PRACTICALLY HEAR THE SOUND IN YOUR HEAD, CAN'T YA? |
Though, to be fair, making a Posh Horror Film where the Posh family go to a Holiday Camp and treating it like the Bates Motel would be funny....and better than what we are about to read!
But no, instead we need recognition of the show's quote, most popular creation of a vile, Bigoted Crass Elderly Woman getting the silver screen treatment.
As the winner of the first poll on my X account, this is Nan.
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR CRASS AND DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED, SCENES OF DRUG USE, TERRORISM AND DESCRIPTIONS OF NUDITY. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
We open in some period of the early 20th century in London. (Doesn't say when, but let's lowball it and say after the Great War) A Nurse Tells A well Dressed Gentleman, That his wife just gave birth to a Daughter. He holds her up and tells her, she will be grow up to be the Greatest Woman of her Generation...which leads to Catherine's voice to shout at us that he was right, as the sweet baby is replaced by Nan's Cackling Maw and Title Drop.
Usually, I would start with a Critique of the DVD Cover or Promo Art from Netflix, But it's just Nan on a White Background, so I'm not wasting my time, moving on!
So in some Graffiti covered slum in London where Nan Lives, she's doing some shopping and is Capricous with every person she meets, commenting on ugly babies and people's weight. That's when Jamie, her long suffering Grandson (Matthew Horne) The Effeminate Millienial that Nan thinks is Gay, because he drives a minivan....solely for Charity work, but still he's scored less again in Nan's Eyes, because he does Cartoons on YouTube ("Animations, I have 30 followers online!")
After buying a life sized Statue of Robert Mugabe and having Jamie lugging it up a flight of stairs while Nan takes a lift, she insults her neighbours by learning the husband, a fat man had being at the doctors. After trying to guess what obesity related disease he has, Nan Scoffs that his weight is being treated with Psychotherapy. "Eating your Feelings, eh? By the look of you, I bet they were delicious!"
Actual F**king Quote.
When they get out of the lift, the neighbour wife asks why is Jamie dragging a statue of Robert Mugabe? Nan says she thought it was a Statue of Trevor McDonald, the Former Newscaster.
GET IT? BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH BLACK MEN WITH GLASSES? EASY MISTAKE TO MAKE, RIGHT?
So that's what passes for Humour-Casual Racism and assessing the Younger Generation of being "Soft." Case again in point, the same neighbours invites Nan for Sunday Lunch and she makes an excuse. She tells Jamie the reason she won't go is that she has it on good authority that the neighbours are "Deviants"....Naturists, Specifically "Cos they 'Ave those organic Vegatables Delivered."
Settled inside the flat, Nan opens a handwritten letter, addressed to her as Joanie Taylor, to visit the writer who exposits , through a pleading voice and Gentle music, that she, Her sister Nell, is dying and wants to see her before she does "Even if she doesn't forgive her". Nan Bellows "F*CK OFF!", to cut off the music and crumple the letter, only for Jamie to enquire about it.
Nan is Adamant that she is not going anywhere, until the Neighbours she accused of being nudists, wants to extend the offer of lunch to dinner for tonight, only to use the plot of a road trip movie as an excuse not to attend the Obvious Brick Joke that they were nudists after all, until the end credits.
So the Charity Minibus is this bee themed papier machè covered abomination, with the name of the charity Jamie works for written on the side, and it's called....(SIGH!) GOD HELP US!...
CRAFTS
UNDO
NEGATIVE
THINKING
As a man, I can not say that word. Even if I was not on Google, I would still not say THAT WORD!
So it's a British comedy character on a road trip, what Exotic Locale are we venturing to?
Los Angeles like Mr Bean?
Ibiza like Kevin and Perry?
Tokyo like that Bbc3 show no one watched?
NO, IRELAND!
Given that Tate has a character, literally called Useless IRISH Nurse, it means any representation is going to be bad representation! Any reaction from me is intensified due to me watching this on St Patrick's Day!
So Jamie asks Nan why she hates her sister so much. She Reveals she was a real Daddy's girl until he died of Tuberculosis, and like that, she (and I will be referring to Nan as "Joanie" in the past) and her sister Nell were forced out of school to continue his Rag-N-Bone Business. But, of course, they are OIRISH In LAWNDAWN, and you can't be OIRISH IN LAWNDAWN WITHOUT BEING A CRIMINAL! So Joanie stole things to sell and pawn while Nell, (Katherine Parkinson) who was still a teenager, Distracted Men with her body and "Womanly Wiles".
But then the war happened, and the Taylor Sisters became Factory Girls, but during a night out, Nell falls in love with a G.I. And that ruins their plan of making enough money to buy a house on "The Island off of Ireland". It's never named, but what if it was here?
ANYWAY ~
With all the men at war, the only man left is Hopeless Romantic Tel, apparently a man sweet on Joanie since Childhood....until a Black GI sweeps her off her feet.
Turns out the Soldier Nell danced with was a rac*st, So she chases him off but claims the Black GI, Walter from her Sister...until Nan in the present interrupts the story so she can "relieve" herself in a tupperware box.
KEEP IT CLASSY!
Rather than return to the story, Nan talks about her appointment to the Day Spa she's booked in Coventry, instead of seeing her sister, and she thinks the "Hollywood" she booked is a meeting with the Bake-off Judge Paul Hollywood.
We go into the first of Jamie's Animations, these horrible looking photo cut-out nightmares to show us scenes that the film couldn't afford to film like Jamie detoured from Coventry to Liverpool
And into the second part of the Flashback, Joanie and Walter Did have a date later, With Nell as a Third Wheel so she could slowly steal the American From her more abrasive Sister by acting the demure innocent. And it worked...and that's why Nan hates her. Nan realizes she's in Liverpool by noticing how scummy the people look!
A BIG APOLOGY TO ANY READERS FROM LIVERPOOL!
So A woman's voice screams at the van for Illegal parking, and it's a Former Council Worker Character from the show, Officer Marlow, who exposits she was fired for "Being Insensitive to the Elderly " when in reality, Nan was Stealing Cable TV! So now we have an antagonist to our story, a Jobsworth council woman, now a police officer whose life was ruined by Nan. Triggered by the Acronym of the charity minivan, Marlow Seethes and makes a plan for revenge as the Taylors rest in a seedy B&B for the night.
Kept awake by Drunken Rugby Revellers. Nan gets out of bed to sort it out, given Jamie would do something Soft and New Aged like "Aligning the Chakras." Jamie hears a thud and expects the worst, But instead he finds Nan and these Australian Ruggers Rat-Ar**d on Jager Bombs. They stumble out the bar to Officer Marlow ready to throw the book at them for Drunk and Disorderly and D*ugs Possession. But instead she just let's them all walk off! Even when Nan flips her off and continues to party til dawn.
It gets worse when Nan drops her Angina Tablet, and she's given "Something Stronger " by the Ruggers. Jamie runs into the club to see Nan in a terrible state. Having to pass Marlow to get back to her room, Nan messes with her in her Altered State. In that very same Altered State, it's the only time Nan ever shown any respect to Jamie.
.....Then the next morning, he wakes him up by farting in his face!
Because we can't have nice things!
The next morning on the road, Officer Marlow tails Nan and Jamie with her police bike, Nan is tuckered out, so Jamie tricks her by taking the ferry to Dublin, with Marlow leaving her post to exact revenge, not only beyond her jurisdiction, but beyond her station as a traffic warden.
Nan wakes up and realises she's in Ireland, and Jamie gives her the ultimatum: she doesn't have to see her sister, but he never met his aunt and he wants to before she dies. Nan begrudgingly Agrees...as long as she gets a pint of Guinness right now. Jamie tells her it's 9am, but Nan Scoffs. You can Get Guiness any time of day in Ireland, Because it's IRELAND!
As an Irishman, I feel it's my duty to tell you my Overseas readers and friends you can't buy alcohol from shops before 10 am, and not by bars til 12. You can not buy any alcohol from supermarkets on Holy Days such as Christmas Day or St Patrick's Day.
But since this is the BBC we are talking about....
RAC*ST ALARM! AUTOMATIC MOVIE FAIL!
So Every Irish Stereotype is here, the Drink, the pub, the Rebel Songs, the fact that Nan's new friend, Mick-Mick-Mick, nicknamed for the 3 Ms tattooed on his wrist, may be a Terrorist. As they all sit on the van stargazing while Mick is inside the Minibus using the craft supplies for something, as Nan continues her story. The War Raged on through the Forties and she's alone.
Except Nell rubs it in that she's with Walter, and Tel delivers a letter from Walter, it reads that The Americans departs to France Tonight and he wants to admit something to Joanie, and not to tell Nell.
Joanie at the Factory could not contain her excitement on having one up on Nell. But she has her suspicions. Nell puts her to one side and tells her the good news-She's Pregnant!
The wind is taken out of Joanie's Sail, as she realizes that Walter's letter is a "Dear John" letter. Also, Nell hasn't told Walter, as it would only distract him.
Filled with the Bitterness that will seep over the decades, Jamie can't accept Walter's Declaration of Love, knowing what she now knows. And with no one else who will take her, She Settles on Tel, and they registered their marriage in a week.
Back to the present and Mick reveals he made an art piece for the liberation of animals from corporate greed. They listen to the radio news, and a warning of a Clinically Depressed Animal Rights activist turned bomber targeting Food Processing Factories and he has 3 Ms tattooed on his Wrist meaning "Meat Means Murder". So yeah, The only Irish character in your British Film is a Terrorist! A mentally unstable animal activist triggered by Nan eating Fridge Raiders in front of him. And now they are kidnapped to aid him on his next "Liberation."
So Nan is forced to bomb a farm, but Officer Marlow trails her, thinking she's the one in charge. Nan tries to escape by faking a Potty Emergency....except it's not fake! Jamie stalls a security man with his craft work, they set the bomb, Free the chickens and walk away from the explosion by not looking back at it! During the Getaway, shown as an Animation, The 3 give Marlow and the Gardai the Slip.
Now Wanted Criminals, Nan has an idea, to somehow knowing the Australian Ruggers were here in Ireland, to repaint the minivan in the Australian Colours to get Mick-Mick-Mick to the Island off of Ireland. With the Ruggers in tow they drive the van, until there is a Police Search on the road to the ferry.
But Marlow recognises Nan, so Mick sacrifices his freedom to get Nan to her sister, but Marlow is still in hot pursuit, until they do a Thelma and Louise dive onto a ferry.
Nan finishes her story. The War is over, and Walter Returned to England as a Hero. He and Nell are to be Wed, with Joanie as a Bridesmaid. Helping Nell into her dress, Joanie Naively comments on how Nell is not showing a pregnant belly. Nell reveals she lied. Angered that She's saddled with a Dud like a Tel, Joanie Slaps Nell and ruins the Wedding. Tel comes up a winner and agrees with his new wife that a piece of work like Nell would never know the kind of love he has for Joanie.
No wonder Nan is this way, she in her own words did everything right her whole life and look what she gets for it!
YOU HAVE BEING RAC*ST, CRUEL AND H********C THE WHOLE TIME! THE ONLY VILLAIN IN THIS FILM IS ONE OF YOUR OWN MAKING! AND EVEN HER FATE IS GOING TO BE UP FOR INTERPRETATION!
So let's finish this!
The Ruggers make their leave, and Nan reveals she meant it when she said she was proud of Jamie, they find the house Nell lives and Nan goes in, leaving Jamie to wait in the van. In the doorway, Nell waits for her. Joanie came here despite having reservations, but now she's here and Nell can leave the mortal plain, knowing she's better than Joanie, in her big house on a stolen dream with the Perfect Man-
(SIGH!)
THEY COULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE!
THIS FILM WAS ABOUT TO REDEEM ITSELF!
AND THEN THEY DO WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND AN IMAGE!
Turns out, Walter is a Crossdresser, and in her eyes, Nan Won! TEL WAS A PATHETIC MAN, BUT AT LEAST HE WAS A MAN! That's our twist ending!
But Nell will not stand for Nan bashing Tel, he was right after all, they were soulmates.
We get a Pixar Up style montage of Joanie and Tel's Life up to his death. The realization that she was the best thing her life makes all the Bitterness melt away. Walter realizes Nell stole their life away, but Nan admits she would have never coped with all this. As the Taylors leave for home, they remember they are wanted Criminals. So when Marlow jumps on the minivan's Bonnet, one of the Ruggers tackles her off it. And so, we end with an animation, Mick-Mick-Mick is in prison but the chickens visit him, the Ruggers carry out Marlow to perform vigilante Justice, and we return to live action as the Taylors return to the flat in London and guess what, Turns out the Neighbours were Nudists after all, as unfortunately, the last thing we see is Nan's Old bare A*s sitting at a harpsichord.
THIS FILM AUTOMATICALLY FAILS FOR BEING RACIST TO THE IRISH!
Even if it wasn't, This film is just Rotten! One Note Generational Stereotypes, annoying jokes, The Animation scenes which are hard to look at, smack of "We Can't afford to film Catherine in costume in a Petrol Station, nevermind afford a police chase Scene."
I will give it to them that the period pieces were good, only problem is that if it wasn't for Tate doing the Nan laugh, you wouldn't have known this was part of the character's Mythos. And even then, these scenes add another layer of Terrible-Emotional Manipulation-THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR NAN, DESPITE NEVER EARNING IT! But let's play some Sad Music and have her walk on a beach looking sad, that'll work!
The Twist with Walter solely there to make Nan "Win" was horrible. And very insulting, in universe they tried to justify that hints were planted, but they really weren't! We also don't have a resolution to Nan not being arrested like she did not become a wanted criminal in two different countries, she just returned to the slums, Ambivalent to it all.
So what to I think about this film?
I'll let our star speak on my behalf!
CREDITS
Nan The Movie was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Media from:
The Catherine Tate Show
ITN
Wonder Showzen
Father Ted.
The Catherine Tate Show is Property of the BBC.
The Nan Movie was Produced by DJ Films, Great Point Media, Lip Sync Productions, Merlin Films, Zalhara Films, Sulcata Films and Distributed by Warner Bros!
All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective owners!
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EARLY SUMMER 2025!