St. Patrick's Day 2025: Kneecap

 THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 18 FOR LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE EDITED, SCENES OF DRUG USE, VIOLENCE, AND DISCRIMINATION. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Recently Snubbed by the Oscars, despite winning At Sundance, The Eponymous Irish Language Hip hop Trio claimed that no matter what, they will appear at the Oscars.

(THIS REVIEW WAS WRITTEN IN FEBRUARY IN ADVANCE OF MARCH AND THEM NOMINATED AND WINNING A BAFTA)

....However, I wager Turning up in a Modified Paddy wagon with Irish and Palestinian flags will no doubt put some noses out of joint!

So Who are Kneecap?

Who are these 3 men who seemingly came from nowhere, who had Songs banned from the radio, had Politicians defame them and Champion Charities on both sides of the Republican and Unionist Fence?

WELL, LET'S DIG INTO THE FILM THAT SCORED 94 ON ROTTEN TOMATOES, AND DESPITE THEIR RATHER EXTREME MURALS AGAINST THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT, ARE NOMINATED FOR BAFTAS, THIS IS NOT SPINAL TAP, IT'S KNEECAP!

If I can offer any Critique, it is that every bit of Promotional Artwork for the film is terrible, for a Group promoting Irish Culture, the Use of Alcohol, and Invoking Terrorist Imagery is what got them in trouble on this side of the border. 

The American Promotional art is better as it has colour and Vibrancy, the thing they are trying to champion in the Irish language!

Pronunciation and Cultural Notes for International Readers 

Naoise: (NISHA!)

Mowgli Bap: Not an Irish phrase, but Naoise's nickname came from having bowl cut haircuts as a child that made him look like the Hero of the Jungle Book. 

Liam Og: Og (Owe-"Hard G")-Young Liam,  Sometimes as a replacement for "Junior", often used as a term of Endearment of a nephew named after a family member.

Mo Chara- "My Friend"

O'Dorataigh- Doherty.

Provi/ Provo- A Member of the Provisional IRA

Mickey- P*nis

The Royal Orange Institution, Commonly known as The Orange Order, are a fraternal Society who stand for Protestant Values and British Unity, To the point that they have being accused of being a hate group that promotes Supremacy against Catholics. The Order is famous, or Infamous, of marching through Catholic Housing Estates on days Of Historical Battles, most well known is The Twelfth of July, the defeat of the Jacobites by William Of Orange.  This March has led to violent skirmishes throughout the peaceful years.

Kneecapping was a method of Torture, performed by shooting off the victim's patella with a high calibre pistol. The idea being the victim was made to kneel for their masters.

Smick- Chav, Skanger, Dole-Dosser, Gimme.... Whatever term you use for the Criminally Inclined Have-nots of the world

THE DVD GOES IN AND THE FIRST THING I HEAR IS THE F WORD AND SOMEONE RAPPING ABOUT THEIR MICKEY BEING CONTAGIOUS!

Any Assumptions of Subtlety has being thrown out of a 20 storey Glass Window and Trampled on by Bystanders!

We start with a voice telling us that people think everyone story about Belfast starts with and is about Terrorism. Instead, we start with a Woman holding a baby in her arms, walking through a Darkened Forest.

This is the Story of Naoise (Mowgli Bap) being carried by his mother, Delores (Simone Kirby) in a Secret Wedding between her and his birth father Arlo (Michael Fassbender), A former IRA Provi on the run. But what was supposed to a gesture of Love, was Mistaken by the Thatcherite Police as an IRA training camp, because why would a Bunch of Catholics have a Secret Meeting in THEIR Country?

Whether or not this incident has Conditioned Naoise with Distrust of Authority from a Week old, we cut to an illegal rave some 14-16 years later! Naoise and Liam Og have being Dealers ever since Hemp was literally landed on their laps when they were Alterboys, And they Burned it like Incense During mass. "The Next Sunday, The Congregation Doubled!"

The Rave is Broken Up, With Liam Og giving Naoise the Product to hide it, while a Police Dog takes him Down, only for his own Usage makes the Situation of being bit in the leg, strangely Pleasant, as the Title Drops!

We cut to the Future 3rd Member, JJ O'Dorataigh (DJ Provai) An Irish language and Music Teacher Disenfranchised with the Language he loves, The Text books are archaic, the Poems are depressing  and to cap it all off, today is the day the Irish Language Bill was Shot down by the Unionist Majority of the Power sharing Government in Stormont. But JJ's wife is a campaigner for the cause who rallies the people to try again! 

But fate has intervened to make 2 men with nothing in common to meet. In the middle of the night, The Police call the O'Dorataigh's to act as an Irish Translator, JJ tells his wife to tell them that he'll do it in the morning, only to be Brow beaten by his wife to help a Irish soul In need!

Naoise is being Racially Abused by the Police, Who,when water is thrown at him, goes into a flashback of Arlo teaching him and Liam Basic Irish Verbs with a water Gun, while their mother playfully teases them for learning a "useless" thing. Arlo tells his sons to understand how it feels to be an Irishman in Ulster is like "watching a Western through the point of view of an Indian!" And to remember one thing, "Every word spoken in Irish, is one more bullet Shot for Irish Freedom" 

But then Arlo left to Commit terrorism and afterwards, 3 months later Arlo Allegedly faked his death to Avoid Arrest, as the Family Grieved Believing his demise, The Police knew Better and now, having Arlo's son in custody means they can probe him for information.

So The Police Shove JJ into a Holding Cell to Speak to Naoise, While at home Liam Og finds Dolores has ran out of Depression medication and begs her Son for an "Alternative" til the Chemist opens in the morning. 

The police hands JJ a Notebook to Translate, they contain Irish Song lyrics, but he flips a page and finds.....how can I say what he finds, when I cannot censor An Acronym without it looking like gibberish?.... JJ finds, a page of Stamp-like lickable Stickers. Realising  What he had gotten into, and the fact the British Police did not read through the notebook, he  tries to get Naoise off the Hook, so he claims Naoise's Civil Rights was Violated.

Naoise fakes an attack so JJ can pocket the notebook during the Distraction! Back with Liam, he decides to find an all-night pharmacy and his brother.

JJ at Home with the Notebook after being separated from Naoise, Disposes of the "Wallpaper" and reads the lyrics, and that's when we see JJ thinks himself a DJ.

Sorry, I said that wrong!

He thinks himself a 

DEEESHZAY!!

He puts the poetry to music, becoming "Amach Anocht" (Out Tonight). Liam and Naoise Rap in the places they are in currently, with notes from the Notebook replacing the Regular Subtitles, it's a nice artistic touch, except the words are small on my device and they are not in one fixed point, making it hard to read the translation. However, you can watch this film as it was meant to be watched on Amazon Prime! 

Liam Og is in contact with Arlo, posing as a yoga instructor on the Strand. Speaking to his son in the car he stole during the song, which disappoints the Fugitive, to the point he won't even speak his displeasure in Irish "You can speak Irish, but you don't Understand it. The History. The Pain."

Arlo wants the family to Arrange an Anniversary service for him, it's nearly a Decade since he was reported dead, So a mass should convince The "Peelers" to get off his back. Before he leaves, Liam gives his father a Birthday card, which only makes Arlo sneer and call his son an idiot, if the Police pulled over his stolen car, they would put two and two together!

Once out of jail, Naoise and Liam commit medical Fraud by scamming Anti-Depressants from clinics all over the city, Bemoaning that being part of the "Ceasefire Generation" means they must hear constantly from the generations before them, how great they have it. And the Realization that the Peace that was Fought for, comes with Peace and Quiet and nothing to fight for. 

Naoise also tells the Doctor he has developed a Fe**sh, he only finds Protestant girls attractive and on the moment of "Release", he screams in Irish "Our Time has Come!"-An IRA warcry, to the anger of the girls who hear it, until the impossible happens, one night Naoise is Hate-You-Know-Whatting a Girl, she Starts to Hate-You-Know-Whatting Him Back!

Naoise walks home when he is Greeted by the Unwelcome Sight of an Orange Order Marching Band outside his Estate, at first he wants no trouble but he is triggered by the Hate Group teaching a Young Child to swing a Baton. As it is thrown in the air, Naoise steals the Baton. As the Orangemen give Chase, as a medley of Prodigy Songs play out, at the same time, JJ is driving about and sees the scene happening in his rear view mirror. 

The Teacher helps the Young Hood for a second time, Fate has bought the 3 together,as it turns out, JJ was driving around the Estates, hoping to find Naoise to Return the notebook. At an arcade, Liam Og meets Them and they Discuss Forming a band, Liam is Reluctant as Irish and Hip-hop are like Oil and water, but JJ calls Irish "The last Dodo at a Zoo, Under Glass", That Someone should break that glass to let it live or Die on it's own terms, Free!

It's a Mutual Trade at First, the Boys use JJ's Music Equipment for a mixtape and they get JJ Smashed!

After the 1st Session, No-one is the same so it's a Downer for JJ to return to his job of teaching Irish Music to Dead-eyed Rich kids, Liam and Naoise meet JJ Outside school but JJ blows them off when his wife is outside waiting for him. She's Suspicious of the 2 "Smicks" he was talking to. She had picked him up to collect him, ready to picket the New Language Act Protest tonight, but the wife does know he and Them are into somethin,  and Dr*gs are involved!  

While Naoise has Another Hate making Session with the Girl he's seeing, and tries to impress her with rap. So she asks them what they are called? And In the Spur of the moment, he says "Kneecap" as it's the one thing Belfast is famous for, which confuses Liam "If that was the Case, we should be called the Titanics!"

As this is going on, the Boys are Digging up JJ's garden, as the lie he told to get out of meeting them wasgettingg his garden paved. So with a gig booked to impress a Girl who will neveracknowledgee him, Naoise's Blackmail of JJ works as all 3 record a more political song "C.E.A.R.T.A" (R.I.G.H.T.S)

The "Gig" is nothing more than Singing at an Uncle's Pub During a Slow Shift, With JJ DJing in a backroom, in case a Student or Parent recognises him. The older Generation doesn't get it, But a Bar worker their Age Records it on her a Phone and it goes up on her socials.

While throwing a ball around an Abandoned Factory, Naoise and Liam are Confronted by a Social Justice Group, The Radicalised Republicans Against Dr*gs. They want to know who their Dealer is, expect Naoise's Monologue tells us it's the Postman. "People like to say the Internet is Mankind's Greatest Achievement. That's because they never bought stuff on the Dark Web. " In fact, all their Supplies are delivered disguised as legitimate products and delivered by a hapless Postal Service. They headbutt the leader, the Dissident named ..."Dissie Doyle," but Naoise breaks the Fourth wall by Fast Forwarding the beating R.R.A.D. Goons give them.

In JJ'S Choir Practice, He finds 2 Students listening to music on headphones, and shocked to hear Kneecap! As the Pub Agrees to let them have another concert, as long as the Uncle is Paid in "Product" to do so, While Mrs O'Dorataigh's leads a protest for the Irish Language.

So imagine the Other's Shock when they hear their song being Sang by Passers by and Young people turning up to the pub. This is not good for JJ -there are some of his students here who will see him get to his decks. So Liam Hands JJ a Tricolour Balaclava. He's now DJ Provai!

After Doing a Line Each, The Kneecap as we know it emerge. However, they didn't take co*aine, they took 3 "Consonants and a Vowel", and they think Liam is Gerry Adams in a Cameo. Then they shuffle out on a bad trip to sing about a Bad trip, as R.R.A.D Looks on!

This new Found fame makes Delores it's unwitting Victim, as the Worst of the Self-righteous on Both sides has Delores in a Pincer movement. The pub is trashed by R.R.A.D, And DCI Ellis is here to offer "Protection" from R.R.A.D If they have any info on Arlo's whereabouts. Delores refuses this blatant blackmail.

"Tell me, how do you like your tea again? In a cup or just thrown in your face?"

After Cleaning the Pub, the Boys attend Arlo's Fake Memorial, which is hijacked by R.R.A.D, who use this opportunity to turn the older generation against the younger. Liam has a bad trip that makes him think Dissie is going to shoot him, but it's actually a 1 gun salute.

JJ and his wife are driving when the police pull them over, the DCI Ellis (Josie Walker) , knowing Delores is too tough, instead breaking the teacher who is not working class, but from the Soft Middle, as her "In" to find Arlo. Blackmailing JJ, who surmises he is keeping being DJ Provai a secret from his well-to-do wife and his employers. Or is it some sad mid-life crisis? After all, no one in Ulster wants to listen to what some "Low life Scum" thinks.

This inspires JJ to lead the next song, "Low Life Scum," inspired by the incident. It's doubly bad for R.R.A.D. as the pub  gets the rap as the bar you can pay for drinks with Dr*gs. The Girl that Naoise is seeing , the one who has her jollies being with a Catholic and Republican...is offended by his lyrics. They fight and then kiss, then Georgia tell Naoise she truly hates him and I'm sure we'll Neeever see her again!

JJ is watching a TV debate that his wife is on, and the Unionist Senator derides Kneecap as a group who promotes Violence, and drinking and D**gs, who invoke Terrorist Imagery should not be representatives to save a Dying Language. 

Delores finds Arlo in her Sitting room and after concluding he is a not a medically induced hallucination, Arlo tears into Delores for raising a dealer, that he can't have people like that in his "Operation". Delores loses it-THERE IS NO OPERATION!, Liking Arlo to those old Japanese men in some secluded jungle who still think There is a war. She tells him that they are doing more with their lives than Arlo ever did as part of the "Operation", and that Naoise and Liam Og have become better men because of it!  

DCI Ellis returns home and finds her drawer open. Unholstering her weapon, she goes up the stairs into her niece's bedroom, and finds a depraved scene with Georgia and Naoise's in A balaclava. Turns out Georgia is DCI Ellis' niece. So The Detective is furious when she finds out his identity. So Ellis thinks the relationship is him getting back at her, and not because of Georgia's own deep seated Issues.

The next day at a Gaelic football match between JJ's school and another, JJ's wife recognises "The Kneecappers" and drags JJ to give them a piece of her mind. They quote JJ's analogy of Irish being "The last Dodo under glass", and laugh when JJ's wife doesn't recognise his own beliefs, even if he never said the analogy to her word for word.

Liam Og gives the next monologue about Change, as things do change, the crowds get bigger, the music main stream, Georgia Softens as Ellis hardens calling an Irish Speaking Minister for a favour, after the latest gig and turning into stop motion while vegetating, Kneecap are visiting by a showrunner for RTE, Who would like to play a song on the radio in the republic, realizing they could make bank selling Irish Songs to the Irish, they head to the Studio.

It's just a shame, that R.R.A.D. Have burnt it to the Ground. 

With 6 months of work destroyed, tempers flare with the boys blaming JJ, but it's JJ who has an idea, his own problem, maybe Kneecap's Solution.  So the music teacher breaks into his school, getting on security cameras in the process and use the school's decades old and archaic instruments, including A Roland 808 to record for the Irish State Irish  Language radio station. That song was "3 Consonants and a Vowel"- Yes, the song that RnaG will end up banning! 

JJ gives them the song, but realizing the cameras will show him Aiding and Abetting A Break-in, he leaves the band to hopefully save something of his life.

It gets worse financially for Liam and Naoise too, as R.R.A.D. has taken over the Postal Route, to find Liam and Naoise personally. But Liam has a plan, to record Dissie Doyle Confessing to burning the studio. Instead, they reveal that they are hypocrites. They don't want Dru*s off the streets, just off CATHOLIC streets. They want The boys to continue to deal for the Republican cause, and if it means Republican d*ugs k*ll Unionist teenagers, what's the harm?

Liam Og calls Arlo, but both are too stubborn and too proud to say anything. To drive the point home, they turn Liam into a young boy who just wants his daddy!

The cat is out of the bag, and the school knows Mr JJ  O'Dorataigh is DJ Provai. And despite student support, JJ must meet the School Board in a Disciplinary Meeting, one of them being the Minister on the take for DCI Ellis, so JJ was going to be fired no matter what. And his wife knew. After all, when the band mooned an audience, you would know a wife would recognize her husband's backside! She's finally happy that he's happy again, but the marriage is over.  They want to see the Irish language flourish, but she wants to do it through Positive Action and Due Process.  She leaves him with one last bit of advice "NO ONE IS EVER ANYTHING, UNTIL THEY ARE." They kiss before he leaves the car.

It's the day of the Irish Language Rights March in Belfast with JJ Despite being fired, attends while listening to the Radio for Their Song, as in Delores' house, her sons do the same. Only to be angered that they pull their song as track of the week for a fluffier song. Then Liam gets a call at that moment, from the Showrunner, claiming that complaints were made about the lyrics of "Three Consonants and a Vowel." 

For the first time since Arlo left, Delores, A woman riddled with mental health problems that made her housebound, who was dependent on Medication, does her make up, does her hair, picks a slightly better dress and leaves the house to do her part...as there is one medium more powerful than radio!

And that's an Irish Working class Mammie Complaining about the Government at the Hairdressers!

Soon a city wide Game of Chinese Whispers is  afoot, as every retelling of the story snowballs out of control.  And soon an official complaint is made by the people on Kneecap's behalf, claiming the Irish State ran radio station discriminated against the band....for being from Northern Ireland.  

And soon their next concert is sold out, as all the band's enemies watch In anger, and with a peace offering of drink, JJ is back. But it's not all good news.  The cowards in the Irish state ran radio have banned Kneecap's back catalogue outright, according to the stage hand who hands them a newspaper. JJ Is surprised the Protestant girl can speak Irish, the stage hand replies she's learning it-Thanks to them!

The doors open to the public, and Arlo in a hoodie, slinks into the concert crowd, as does R.R.A.D. Liam stagedives into the crowd and sees his father, but dismisses It as a lookalike. 

After Addressing the Controversy that they were told not to Politicize the Irish language,  only to point out, it's always being Politicized, the band act out their revenge on Doyle, by playing the blackmail Liam recorded. Best not to irritate a criminal with a gun on him or this is going to end like the NWA concert In Detroit ....and that's what Happens, Dissie, shoots a round into the air, which causes a panic and the police to attempt to arrest Kneecap when they run off stage. JJ is beaten by riot police, Naoise Is blindsided by DCI Ellis, and R.R.A.D kidnaps Liam in the boot of a car. That's when Arlo reveals himself to Dissie, and says he's returned to join R.R.A.D. And he wants to k*ll Liam as it is a father's duty to punish his son.

In the police station Ellis Brutalizes Naoise for seeing Georgia, admitting to setting the fire. As she repeatedly trounces Naoise, he visualizes Georgia in a bout of K**ky S*x, He realizes he loves her despite being bloody, as the other officers pull their boss off him for going too far. 

Back in the alleyway, Arlo saves his son, by wounding R.R.A.D. and K*lling their two new members, all the while, Arlo calls out Dissie for being an amateur, that the two men he shoot were MI5. Then In a sense of irony, Arlo Kneecaps Dissie and the 2 goons. He tells Liam he is proud of them, but he has to do what he about to do. And that's turn himself in for the 2 murders he just committed. As Naoise goes free, he sees Arlo being arrested, Arlo and Ellis just stare at each other as Naoise monologues the final point. "Every Word is A Bullet, but there had being too many of both up to now, maybe Silence is Best!"

Every word spoken is a bullet, but they didn't start as a bullet or a gun or revolutionaries.  As we see JJ in Adult Education teaching Foreign Nationals Irish, his ex-wife in Stormont and Kneecap in concert. They were never set out to change the world, it just happened as they wanted their world to be better, as we see Delores singing in a pub. Naoise has one final  thought "Language is made of Stories. Nations are made from Language" as a caption gives us a "Good news, Bad news" situation.  Yes, the Irish language Act was made law in 2022, but  statistics show an indigenous language dies every 40 days. But Naoise's voice  realises that's a Downer, so he calls for an encore of "Low Life Scum" as real concert footage is played.

THIS FILM LIVES UP TO THE HYPE! FRANK, BRUTAL, GRITTY, AND YET AT IT'S CORE IS A  FILM THAT'S WITTY & FUNNY WITH A MESSAGE OF HOPE AT IT'S HEART!

As opposed to last month's film, where Jerry Seinfeld told lies to make pop tarts interesting, this film  is a fictionalized version of how Kneecap was formed. However JJ meeting Naoise the way they did, that was true. But this is not really about Kneecap, it's about how the Irish language struggled up North and the unlikely ambassadors to make it relevant to Generation Z and beyond. But I want to be honest with you: I WANTED TO HATE THIS FILM! I thought these 3 were going to invoke the worst parts of the Irish stereotype and it would p*ss me off! And yet, despite the leads playing Dealers and users and self described "Low Life Scum ", they are amiable and likeable. Naoise displays that in the scene where he stole the Baton from the child in the Orangemen marching band, he could have bit his tongue, but seeing a child being indoctrinated into a hate group, drove him to do what they did. Liam is a boy who just wants his dad back (though, in real life, Liam and Naoise are not brothers!) JJ is frustrated at a job where Irish is  not only taught in the same way for generations,  but in a part of the world where up til recently, it's utterance was almost as seen as an Admitance to criminality. The songs are Sang in both Irish and English, the lyrics gelling well between the two. 

The supporting cast lead by Fassbender fleshes out the Reality of Belfast up to this point, the generations of hatred pressured onto the new generation, that after years of being told to fight, there is nothing left to fight as an mistrusting ease is now in place of war. On the cinematography side, the film is shot in a myriad of styles. Like a drama, when needed, like a comedy, obviously like a music video and even a stop-motion sequence that comes straight out of the blue! There are also sketch like animated flourishes that appear to enhance a scene or translate a lyric that gives the film some identity. The Script is clever, emotional and the characters, even the ridiculous premise of R.R.A.D, are so realistic that it's almost frightening! 

If you can withstand constant F-Bombs in this film's Runtime,  you'll Find a film that at it's heart is about 3 men who, despite the world being against them, Helped in some way to preserve the Language and Culture they loved. 

CREDITS

Kneecap was reviewed, compiled, and edited by Eamonn Bermingham. 

With Media from

Kneecap 

Harry Enfield and chums

All media used belong to their respective owners.

Kneecap was produced by Curzon in association with Tg4, Screen Guild Northern Ireland, and the British Film Institute. 

Next month, you make the call!

Under this paragraph are the next 4 Netflix originals I WILL review this year however, this poll will determine the order I will review the the films in the months I have no wrestling shows to review in choice months.

Here are your 4 choices, the 3 not chosen will make up the next poll in July. If by some shock, no one leaves a comment, or the poll is not possible on X, The Default review will be Nan.

The Most comments to this post will be added to the poll on X, which will be pinned on my X account,  @RealEnli.

Here are your 4 choices.

The default Order will start with 

1. Nan

You may only have known Catherine Tate as Donna Noble on Doctor Who, but before that she had her own sketch show, her most well known character is that of a politically incorrect Grandma....it's as bad as all the other times a 5 minute sketch has being stretched to a 60 minutes plus film 

2. Cassandra: Mother knows Best

Highly recommended on Netflix horror search, A mix of MEGAN and Disney Dream House.  An AI house is moved into after years of abandonment, and it's program, Cassandra, takes Drastic Measures that it will never be lonely again!

3 Infinity  Pool

Brandon Cronenberg, the son of David, starts off where his father has fell off, with a shocking horror that His father use to do. Will have to develop a strong stomach to deal with This film filled with Hedonism, Blood and Cloning Blues.

4 Kinda Pregnant 

No doubt because Schumer The Hutt has been asked, "When's The Baby Due?" All her adult life, Amy plays a Woman who fakes being pregnant for the attention. This is up her alley, as of course she gets to tells jokes that would make a vulture vomit!

The poll will close on the 17th of March. The next fixed film will be 299th and 300th post Black Adam in late April and May. Any votes will change the order and the winning film will be replaced by another, when the second poll is made during the summer.

THE CRAP FILMS OF HUGH GRANT: UNFROSTED-AKA THE FILM ABOUT POPTARTS!

 Sometimes When you look at something you have to ask....

"WHY?"

Why does this exist?

WHO ASKED FOR THIS?

Case in point-a dozen of Sitcom's unfunniest Actors and one Washed-up Hugh "P*RV-O" Grant, In a film about, of all things-the invention of Pop-Tarts.

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF A NEW FILM!

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR COMEDIC VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE, INNUENDO AND SOME OUTDATED THINKING! SOME WORDS WILL BE EDITED FROM NOW ON!

So Netflix may not have physical Covers but the films still come with Promotional Artwork and HOOO BOY! They have a lot of busywork on this poster!

On top and front and centre are the Trifecta of Over-rated and Unfunny-Jerry Seinfeld, Melissa "Screaming Falling down Fat Woman" McCarthy and Amy Schumer The Hutt! Underneath Seinfeld's big grin, a Pop-tart blasts from a toaster like a rocket and underneath from the smoke, all the chaos this little breakfast food for Scum parents who couldn't be ar*ed to feed their kids properly in the mornings, namely exploding cows, Kellogg's vans being robbed by kids (this scene was removed but it remains in the Blooper reel!), Jim Gattigan  doing some spying, Christian Slater dressed as a Psychotic Milkman, Grant having his career Low, Yer Man from the US office with the teeth dressed as an astronaut and 3 Guys dressed as Snap, Crackle and Pop. All this causes a second Seinfeld and McCarthy to run for their lives!

The Film Starts with a Boy packing all his belongings in a Bindle and walks into a Diner, he orders 2 Pop-Tarts and asks the Restaurant owner to leave the Box, he asks the Runaway if he had a bad day, the Boy reads the Comic on the box Claiming, the invention of Pop Tarts was Pies created by a "Grandma Kellogg". The man drinking coffee beside him, says that is a bunch of Baloney and the Boy asks him how does he know, that's when the camera Pans up to reveal Jerry Seinfeld.

To Distract the Child from Vagrantism, Bob Cabana, Kellogg's Marketing Man on a Mission tells the story of his partial creation. Let's go back to the 1960s, a Simpler Time where Breakfast was Milk and Cereal, and after Introducing Milkman Mike (Christian Slater) we are introduced to Battle Creek, Michigan, The Cereal Capital of America, home to Kellogg's and Post.

Any one in Europe be like,

We Cut to, not surprisingly for this film, A WHOLE LOT OF A*S!, as we get a Close up of Harry Kellogg's (Jim Gaffigan) Butt using a Hemmoroid Massage Reel, After Harry and Bob Go through A Conversation that boils to "Kids are Stupid, They"ll buy anything we tell them!" Bob is sent to his first Issue of the day. We Cut to Tony The Tiger, Played by Mr Divine Intervention himself, Hugh P*rv-o Grant!

Seeing this Muppet dressed like that in a Film this Bad Is the Gift that keeps on giving! Grant plays Thurle Ravenscroft, Classically trained Ac-TOR Who thinks this is beneath him.

Art Should Be Imitating Life Here!

Thurle Sarcastically greets Bob because the Director wants a retake on a cereal ad, time he needs to audition for King Lear, so In a fit of frustration, Thurle rolls his Rs in pronouncing Great, and a Catchphrase is born.

Bob Cabana as the RnD guy has a lot on his plate....err....Bowl....his actors are unhappy, his products unhealthy and his focus groups dahm near Kidnap children for their Opinion!

But Tonight is a Special Night in Battle Creek, It's Bowl and Spoon Awards. The table top Rivalry between Kellogg's and Post, As Marjorie Post (Schumer) Believes her Fruity Pebbles will stop Kellogg's from winning the whole spread.

OH POST MAKES FRUITY PEBBLES, I AT LEAST HEARD OF THEM, ITS NICE THAT FRED FLINTSTONE IS THE MASCOT TO SOMETHING SOMEWHAT HEALTHIER THAN CIGARETTES!

Ms Post gets into Kellogg's Head that Post is onto Something big, after making fun of the Actual Quaker, who owns Quaker Oats (" Hello Isaiah Lamp,  You planning to make anything NEW this year?") Kellogg's sweep the board of the awards show they own. However the Post Contingent are acting like they have an ace in the hole. 

The next day, Bob sees a Strange Sight, two kids load themselves into post Cereal Skips as they are dumped into the Garbage Van, as the two kids struggle to get out of the Garbage Truck to get into the next skip. Bob asks what is going on and  the trash collector says the kids have being going into the skips for months to grab what the collector describes as "THE GOO!"

Curious, Bob finds two Hillbilly Children, Scabby and Butchie, off their little heads on Run off Gluten that had Baked Into Biscuits in the sun. The girl offers it like a Spl*ff at a Festival and Covered in excessively Sugary Jam, the Monstrously Sweet Combo's Taste overloads Bob's Adult Pallet and gives him a very angry Realization.

"Post are Creating A Fruit Filled Dingus!"

This is Bad for Kellogg's, if Post creates a Breakfast food that's easier to prepare than Cereal, Then Kellogg's has lost the Cereal Wars. Bob's dream of putting his kids through college and owning real grass on his lawn maybe over!

So Post has Confirmed it's new Product on the news, as Harry Puts his best man in the job, Chester Slick, Head of Security and his Camera Mop, who uncovered the Viscous Goo of the product until Marjorie tells the Fake Janitor to get the mop out of her Face!

In Post's office we see Post had stolen Bob's own research into a Making A Dingus, the only reason they have Kellogg research is that Post sent their own Fake Janitor spy with a Badly disguised Camera, this time front and centre on a Floor Buffer!

Alternatives like Fruit Purée in Sardine cans and Corn puffs filled with cream corn don't cut the mustard. But Bob has an Idea-Bring back "Stan". Harry is shocked thinking Bob fired "Stan" because he hated "Stan". Bob says he only fired HER! Because she was Fat and Annoying!

Fat And Annoying?

Why that could only be one person....

Yes, Working in Cape Canaveral as NASA's Food Scientist is Donna Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy) After Bob Convinces Her no way in Hell, they are letting a Food Scientist on the moon, Stan just leaves to return to Kellogg's. And I guess Contracts and Government patents she may have claims on and the legal ramifications of just upping and leaving don't exist in this fantasy land!

In Post, Marjorie has found the two Dumpster Divers and Planned in suing them for eating Company property, Instead she has her Toadie Ludwig to get her the Prototype Toastable Snack, However despite catching fire and Shocking Ludwig, she instead shoves untoasted Prototypes onto the children. The Verdict "Better than what they find in the dumpster" gives Marjorie a Twisted Smile!

After a Cereal Buffet, Donna, Bob and Harry get to Business, Kellogg wants their entire man power being Betting Post, But Donna has a Better Idea-Outside Sources. she Already had A List of people "And they are already on a plane!....well he lives here and he's on a bus.... and Einstein is Dead....but you get the idea!"

So Kellogg's has a Press Conference to Announce it's Race for the Breakfast Dingus: And they have Assembled a Winning team of Outside Sources, in Marketing, in Design, in Food and Nutrition. The Kellogg's Taste Pilots (Consisting of 5 Different Yer Man from 5 Different Sitcoms!)  the Team of Soft Serve Ice-cream inventor, Tom Carvell, Bicycle maker Steve Scwin, Chef Boyardee, Shopping channel Nutritionist John Lelaine, Sea Monkeys Inventor Harold Von Braunhut and IBM's Univach computer!

Already this Brain trust is a bust, Scwin doesn't know why he's here, Carvell is Rude to reporters and Harold Von Braunhut...Well I'd leave that to your own Google Search, but given it's a German Man in the 1960s, the reporters ask him where he was 20 years ago!

But it's not all good news! The Milkman are afraid that the existence of a Breakfast Dingus would cut into their Bottom Line and put them out of jobs. so Harry warns Bob and Donna that they are angering very Dangerous people. After all why do you think they put Missing people on Milk Cartons? As a WARNING NOT TO MESS AROUND WITH MILKMEN!

Week 2 of Dingus production and Cracks are starting to show, Braunhut reveals Sea Monkeys to be the scam that they are, Boyardee fears deportation because of Debt and someone has Programmed the Supercomputer to be Sexist!

While Schumer continues to be unpleasant to anyone with a P*nis, (SHE'S NOT ACTING!) Thurle Ravenscroft comes in dressed as King Lear with his Troupe, he reveals that under Contract to play Tony the Tiger in ads and appearances, that he, when he gets other Roles, gets to Grace Kellogg's with Much Needed Cultural Refinement. But it can wait, Marge post has called a Meeting of the Five Cereal Families tonight.

There is only one Matter to Discuss, The Dingus and who's making one, with everyone else out, Marjorie has some unreasonable demands: For her new product she wants Child  Eye-level Shelving and advertising during the most popular cartoons on Saturday mornings and to expect to be given in on those demands when her Product lands on shelves-NEXT WEEK!

Defeated, Donna Complains about the Keebler Cookies Marjorie supplied, pining over the fact that despite being sweet and half covered in Chocolate, they are never sugary enough, that's when Bob has a lightbulb moment!

This brings the two Kellogg's Reps to Puerto Rico, to meet with a Sugar Baron called El Sucre, who straight up they portray the only Hispanic Character as a Gangster, they buy all the Baron's Sugar but the Unhinged Baron is a man who hates Disrespect, as evidenced when a Ventriloquist's Dummy insulting him is shot! Not the Ventriloquist, The Dummy, because he said it!

Back in America, Harry and Marjorie continue to Spy on Each other, Marjorie Nearly Bludgeons Ludwig to death for even Suggesting making healthier Products for children.

The next day, Milkman Mike threatens Bob, At Kellogg's each of the Experts used Kellogg's time to make their own products and nothing resembling cereal, Boyardee was on to something with a Square, But he baked Sea Monkeys into it! And the Supercomputer predicts Post wins, Which Upsets Harry "I didn't need a Million Dollar Abacus to tell me it's all Garbage!" 

While throwing out the patents, Bob meets  the Dumpster Divers who new obsession is combining Stale rice Krispies with left over marshmallows. ("it's a real Treat!") They tell Bob Sometimes instead of Making something new, you should combine what you have. Boyardee was into Something, with the Shape, but everyone had contributed a Philosophy to the Pop-Tarts project. Carvell the name kids trust, Lelaine with a Foil Surface that keeps the inside hot like his Sauna Pants, and Scwin making things small and more accessible to kids like his bikes. For instance, kids cannot use an oven, but they can use a toaster.

"Stan, My Friend, I do believe we just split the atom of Breakfast!"

ACTUAL QUOTE!

To get a Bigger, Cheaper Stock of Sugar, Post goes to the USSR to make a deal for their supply, in exchange for American Style Children's Cereal for the Russian Market-Borscht Loops, Krumblins, and Count Vodkala, Which Ludwig is strongarmed into eating a 90% proof Alcohol Flake ! And the Russian Minister will only seal the deal, if one of them has "THE S*X!" With him, and given Ludwig is Bleeding from the poisoned flake, he suggests his boss takes one for the Team. 

Milkman Mike Kidnaps Bob and brings him to Friendly Farm to talk with his boss, Frank Friendly (Peter Dinklage), who despite being a little person, tortures Bob by locking him a cow shed, Mrs Cabana is upset that Bob had being mentally scarred by being literally Crapped on for hours before being found. Bob is out the Project until a helicopter lands on his lawn, there is someone who wants Kellogg's to succeed.

JFK!

Word that Post has Started Treason Season by trading In Soviet Sweetener has not gone down well, So the Government had Put the Kibosh on Caribbean Ships including Kellogg's Puerto Rican Shipment, because the Cuban Ships trading Sugar also had Weapons in board, yes Kellogg's was Front and centre to the Cuban Missile Crisis! Kellogg's needs their Sugar Shipment to even have a Chance to beat Post and their Commie Cereal. But they want a favour, they want the Milkmen off their backs, JFK says The Sucre Baron not being paid on time is their problem, but he will get Bobby to cut spending by the Dairy industry!

In a Bar, Thurle and Milkman Mike Vent their Hatred for Kellogg's. Venting quickly becomes a Plot for revenge.

Week 6 and Test Cooking the Dingus is treated like a NASA Launch, Steve is dressed as a Spaceman hooked up to a working Oxygen tank, he cranks up the heat of the toaster to maximum and eats it. The test is a Success! Then the oxygen tank is dislodged and Steve explodes when the gas is exposed to the toaster.

Okay....Did Kellogg's just Confess to K*lling a Bike company executive in the 60's?

Actually I had to Google Search this. There is a Scwin Bicycle company, but there was never a Stephen Schwin. It was founded by an Ignacio Schwin, but he died of a stroke in 1948.

Kellogg's didn't blow a guy up making Pop-Tarts!

"NOT THIS TIME! IT NEVER HAPPENED! WE MADE IT UP!"

So Stephen Schwin is Buried with quote "Full Cereal Honours" in his service to Cereal. The Mass is served by Isaiah Lamp, the Quaker Oats Quaker. The Mascots are Pallbearers, Toucan Sam Sings Ava Maria in a Baritone voice, as Schwin is buried in a six foot hole with milk and cereal. As Steve's Widow looks on in bewilderment, as his coffin rises to the top, Snap, Crackle and Pop Fold a Paper prize like Soldiers folding a Flag to present to this verklempt widow.

I Think the Correct Response to seeing this scene, is the picture of Kenny Omega having another wrestler's finger up his ar*e on Japanese television and his defence in having it done to him by claiming that "It's ART!"

"OH IT'S ART!"

At the funeral are all  four factions who want to see Kellogg's Fail, The Milkmen, The Russians, The Sucre Boys and the Mascots led by Thurle, who learns that Pop-Tarts will have no mascot, So no Cereal Means no Actors to bring Mascots to life. So Thurle Proposes A Strike.

The interception of Cuban missiles had inadvertently caused a Missile crisis, so Harry does what he can to the end the cereal war, and that's have an Affair with Marjorie Post, Thankfully we don't see Schumer undress as she is frightened off by Ravioli Boy (There is a side plot that Boyardee and Von Braunhut created a Pasta/Sea Monkey hybrid that escaped into Kellogg's Vent!)

As the Mascots Strike, John Hamm makes his cameo Revising the Role from that show noone watched the First time around, to spin the market for The Dingus, he in Mad Men fashion, shows boxes Of "Jelle Jolie" with Women in Negligees. after all, s*x Sells.

WOW! 28 MINUTES LEFT AND YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME LAUGH! THANK YOU, NEW SIX DEGREES ACTOR-MAN!

So desperate for feedback, they get the Hillbilly Children to rat on everything Post said Infront of them. Butchy gets curious of Harry's Butt Massager, and his candy necklace gets caught on the reels, making him dizzy enough to have random letters spin on the blackboard when his vision comes back to him. The name of the Dingus will be...

TRAT POP!

So for Comedy's sake that becomes the name and Harry fires all the Mascots in favour of cartoons this leads to Thurle modifying his Costume to Bad Taste Levels!

A FDA Man Stalls Signing the Approval Contract, that Post has already Launched Country Squares as the Mascot's Union, even mascots of products that are not cereal are participating in raiding Kellogg's HQ, But Bob, sick of Mr Muntz' Stalling, grabs his Stamp of Approval and signs the Signature himself, causing Thurle, Snap Crackle and Pop to make a Dignified Retreat now the bill has past....or as Dignified as grown men in Costumes can be!

The News Goes out that the Mascot Riot is over a new product but thanks to Walter Cronkite reading the name backwards imprinted on a piece of Silly Putty (LOOK THE FILM IS NEARLY OVER, DON'T QUESTION IT!) 45 Million people think the new product is called "Pop Tarts" and you know what, the name grows on everyone!

There is a literal race between truckers supplying Pop Tarts and Country Squares. Harry gets a Call, POP TARTS COMPLETELY DESTROYED COUNTRY SQUARES! "It's because no child ever would want to be a Square, or admit he or she's from the Country!" Bob Holds up 2 of the prototypes in each arm, claiming that "These 2 Pop Tarts are most the  important pair of Slabs Since the Ten Commandments!"

And so Bob ends his Story with more lies about real People and things, Claiming Ravioli Boy was Adopted and Raised by Harold Von Braunhut and Chef Boyardee, Carvell and Lelaine set up gyms and Ice-cream parlours next to each to profit of Human Hypocrisy, Thurle was Tried as a Terrorist, Univach was Drafted to Vietnam, Milkman Mike may have Assassinated JFK, They did tell the Truth on Marjorie Post, that she was a celebrated Female executive and a Feminist Icon, who used her wealth to created the Margo-Largo resort, now Back to the lies!

Stan left Kellogg's once more to become a Hippy inventing A Thing that Harry finds Disgusting called "Granola", and Bob made enough money to put his kids through college and have real grass on his lawn, but not before being nearly Assassinated by Andy Warhol for creating a product named very closely like "Pop-Art" 

"Your Fifteen Minutes are Up, Cabana!"

ACTUAL F*CKING QUOTE!

But he was Saved by the Foil wrapped Pop-Tart in his jacket pocket that stopped the bullet!

And so the film ends with the runaway, Frank,  Distracted long enough for his parents to find him and bring him home, when he turns to thanks Bob, Ravioli Boy peeps out of Bob's Jacket pocket and calls Frank's name, and the boy reacts like the end of a Holiday movie, like the man he was talking to all this time was Santa Clause!

And the Film Ends with a Blooper Reel, and like I said at the end of another stinker, Meet The Millers, If your Comedy film can't be funny in the time Allotted, Then you are just Wasting everyone's time!

THIS FILM HAS 5 RAZZIES BEING PENDED AT THIS YEAR'S AWARDS, 3 FOR STAR, WRITER AND DIRECTOR JERRY SEINFELD! IT'S THAT BAD!

"The Preceding Story was False, They were LIES! But, they are ENTERTAINING Lies. and in the end, isn't that the greatest truth of all?"

The Answer Sadly ....is no!

They Couldn't make a Good True Story so they padded it With Lies and Tasteless Tired Jokes about JFK'S Philandering, faking the moon landing and Drunk Rushkis that would have being Tired and played out 6 decades ago! Shocker to absolutely No-one, But Seinfeld, McCarthy and Schumer's Comedy are as Welcome as a Fart in a Church, With Schumer Adding her Signature Crudeness and Spite as you would expect. Sequences are introduced just to have people scratch their heads in confusion, like a Ventriloquist giving his dummy CPR after the doll was shot, Or the "Full Cereal Honours" sequence being Monumentally Stupid! I knew this "Biopic" was Baloney the Moment the Actors winked at the camera and hand-waved Future Events like Jackie Kennedy remarrying Aristotle Onassis and the failed Insurrection, thus Proving one thing: A Biopic on the true Story of the Breakfast For Lazy Hungover Parents was too Boring to Play straight.

The American Author Mark Twain once wrote "Never Let Something as Small as the Truth get in the way from a Good Story". Well, Seinfeld Lied for an hour and half, and it was still bad!

CREDITS

Unfrosted was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited, By Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli on twitter

With Media from:

Unfrosted

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction

The Simpsons

All Media used belong to their respective owners.

Unfrosted was Produced by Columbus 81 productions for Netflix

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE

From a Surefire Razzie to a film that was Snubbed out of Oscars. This years St Patrick's Special is a Controversial one, The Fly on the wall style Irish Language Film following Belfast Hip-hop Band, KNEECAP!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E!

CHAPTER 7- PILGRIM OF THE DIGITAL PLAIN.

For the First time since Being on Harmonus Eamonn felt Happy, 

But, unlike that were he was practically in a simulation, this was Genuine, as like the Devil's Fragment had no Physical form, he took was No longer bound to The Grey Area. He had will again, but there was a problem.

Will is all well and good, but he was Aimless.

Scratch that, Rewind it!

He HAD A Goal: to get home, but this was not being stuck in another country. This was being stuck in a different plain, he was on Earth but those people he encountered were just Echoes of people having thoughts that were Discarded like A sweetie paper, fleeting things that are quickly tossed and forgotten!

Still he had no idea what this power was, who gave it to him, or even what it looked like. He knew he had 2 power gloves and yes he was no longer naked, but he longed for the power to pull items from dvds to borrow a mirror. 

His plan was lay low and try to convince the Appraisers of Will to free him. However since they are convinced to be the only proprietors of Will in the Universe, The Creatures are Treasures given voice and opinion, Tiferet had an ego when he insulted him, and no doubt the others are powerful enough in magic, after all how could be be living treasure and not be the target for thieves? 

No. For now, Given their Egos. It was time to act dumb. To Wait and Watch. To find a chink in their armour.

Not knowing that a rescue party was being made... whether 2 members wanted to or not!

Eamonn Reviews The Fall Guy-REMASTERED!

 I don't think I may get the reaction I think I would get if I said I have no Nostalgia for the 80s show, The Fall Guy.

That's Because the 80's was filled with action shows- Airwolf, Knight Rider and A Team-shows that created clones and copies that would be lost in the Shuffle.

So how does a Hollywood remake of a "Meh!" 80's show fair in the 21st Century? Well let's get right down into it! Let's dig into the Fall Guy movie and see if Ryan Gosling's post Barbie streak can elevate this film. 

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR VIOLENCE, BLOOD, INJURY, DRUG USE AND DRUG CULTURE AND INNUENDO. SOME LANGUAGE WILL BE EDITED DUE TO GOOGLES TERMS OF SERVICE!

The cover sees Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt hot and sweaty and Grimey in the best possible taste! Also they are standing in front of flames because cool guys don't look back at explosions! 

The film Explodes into Eighties Nostalgia with I Was Meant For Loving You  blasting out of your device's Stereo speakers, As Colt Seivers (Gosling), Stuntman Extraordnaire, romanticises his career of being set on fire for a living!

But what is more like a romance is the actual physical romance with his girlfriend Jody (Blunt) A producer who Colt has High Hopes for In the future, Until he gets a Call from Tom Ryder, the Biggest Star In Hollywood. And currently the guy Seivers is doubling for.

There is a problem, Tom Ryder (Aaron Taylor-Thompson) demands a reshoot because Colt's face is in view. And his manager Gail (Hannah Waddingham) makes it Happen.

But Colt is not bothered and proceeds to flirt with Jody over the walkie-talkies they have. And maybe because of the Distraction.... Colt is the Victim of a terrible accident during a netless Dive.

18 months later and Despite not having his legs or spine broken, Colt's life as a stuntman is seemingly over..... That is, until he gets a call from Gail. With no real skill sets in life, Colt is reduced to valet cars for a Mexican restaurant. 

BULL. SH*T!

To be a Stuntman, you need to learn a litany of skills. You need to learn Martial Arts, how to drive and Maintain both cars and Motorbikes, weapons training, Flight, Scuba, Self defence (with and against Weapons!) First Aid, all the while making sure your body is healthier than most and your mind doesn't develop a fear.

Unless this film is going for a PTSD narrative!

No they are going for a social commentary narrative, As a Dude-Bro takes pictures of "The Guy who use to be cool" and puts it up on Socials while Tom reacted to Colt's Near death by tweeting an emoji. Colt wanted to come back, but he felt like the accident was just an afterthought . Colt is about to hang up the boots when, just as ACDC's Thunderstruck starts in the background, then plays louder when Gail reveals the new Director wanted him to be the stuntman and it's Jody, Colt gets out of bed, and with a flick of his glasses, Colt does Wheelies in the Dude-Bro's Sports car In front of him while the Credits drop 11 minutes in.

During the 2 years Tom has become a bigger star, much to Colt's resentment.

The film is being shot in Sydney Australia, where New Scanning Technology will make sure no reshoots will happen. Colt has not seen Jody yet, but he does meet his former friend Dan Tucker. But Colt gets angry, that the first stunt they want him to do is a Netless Drop!

Meanwhile, Jody's "Nicey-Nicey" approach to the Hard nosed world of Hollywood is going to back this film an unsafe work environment for the guy who thinks he still has a chance!

In lieu of the Netless Drop, Dan opts for a Barrel Roll in a car stunt. But naturally since he's twice shy about injury, Jody thinks the Stuntman is a newbie, which means Gail is no doubt doing a Parent Trap to get them back together. 

In an attempt to impress Jody, Colt drives too close to her camera rig and destroys it, however the Barrel Roll comes off Flawlessly!

Naturally in real life, The Parent Trap Gambit is a stupid idea that only makes two people that hate each other, hate each other Even More! So not wanting to Admit who was In the wrong, Jody puts Colt through his paces. Jody gives Colt a Synopsis of her movie. It's basically a thinly veiled allusion to their fling.

Lady, maybe you may want to admit, I don't know.... THAT HE NEARLY DIED?!

Colt playing along with Being set on fire and pulled back into a rock face repeatedly, while Jody asks Colt what would his "Character" say in this situation. And he says he would say he realizes he spent too much time thinking what to say, that he regrets taking that long to say it!

Jody awards his honesty by setting him on fire again! 

Limping to his trailer that night, Gail hugs a tender Colt and Brags his car stunt will win a World Record once the movie is released, But Colt has had enough of everyone's bull crap and tells her he sees through her little Parent Trap!

Gail explains that it's like one of her films.... those Nihilistic films noone can watch through according to Colt, But Gail says her films are about Hope once you actually get to the end, all the Nihilistic elements is nothing more than the "Sexy Bacon" to make Cinema goers salivate like dogs. Colt is sick of everyone's crap and goes to bed, but Gail has her own ulterior motive for bringing Colt to Oz.

Jody doesn't know it yet, but her film is over budget and is set to flop, and the only person who can put Tom and Jody egos in check before the studio pulls the plug, is Colt the only person who knows them intimately! 

Given Tom's Air BnB Key card to get a better sleep, Colt is in his car Reminiscing all the good times. Until Jody knocks on the door and asks him why he is here. As she gets in the car he repeats what he said, and that he means it. And hopefully they can stay professional and for once I can say that they play this straight and don't start making out "AAAAAAAND FIVE MINUTES LATER" Sometimes playing it straight is as rare as a Subversion these days. It's fun to wink at the camera, now and again, but sometimes if you over do it, you lose any sense of being truly earnest.

So logging in the Air BnB, and switching on the light to see the Temporary home is a Shrine to Tom's greatness, as Colt tries to make coffee to shake his Jetlag (This is a running Joke, it has happened twice already) a Women with a Prop Sword tried to kill Colt. She Explains once the sword breaks, that she is Ziggy Starr (Teresa Palmer), Female lead of Alien Metal, and Tom Ryder's girlfriend. She Explains and exposits that Tom is Missing and fame has turned him into a Paranoid Dr*g-Fiend. But if he can pass himself off as Tom as his stunt double he can find him. 

Tom frequents The Neon Nights Club, owned by this Leopard print Tattooed covered Not-Andrew Tate called Dune who is Tom's Dealer. So Colt, dressed like he's about to sing his love of all things MAGA, Goes to find his former Friend.

Everyone But Dune sees through the facade, So he spikes Colt's Drink for asking too many questions. Despite having a trip Colt Still has his wits about him to fight off Dune's Bodyguards and gives the Dr*gdealer Chase.

Running Body first onto Dune's Taxi, Cody grabs him by the Fur coat and demands where Tom Ryder is! Dune tells him, he only Dr*gged Colt because he was Ordered to by "Kevin" that it would make sense if he went to the Hotel on this street and asked for "Kevin" and order "The Fruit Bowl". 

Colt Asks when the Dr*gs will wear off and Dune answers when Colt no longer sees Unicorns, as one stares right at Colt.

At the Hotel, The Stuntman on his come-down is Yammering about "Kevin" and  "Fruit Bowls", as the Unicorn walks away for now, behind him was Jody, dressed for a night out she's worried about the condition he's in and feels he's not fit for work, until Gail saves them revealing anything to each other. 

As the Women leave to speak to the Studio reps, "Kevin" arrives at reception to give Him a key card to a room...only for it to be false. Frustrated, Colt knocks down the door when the Unicorn returns. In the abandoned room, Colt suddenly gets a phonecall from Jody on how to film the third act, she suggests filming both Protags of Alien Metal in Split screen, while the Protags of this film are shown in split screen, all the while the black bar In the Middle fluctuates in thickness and thinness every time one of the two mention their own closeness or distance.

"OH, IT'S ART!"

When the call ends, Colt gets back to what he was Supposed to be Doing and that's finding Tom.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR MURDER!

Instead what He finds is a Dead man in a Bloody Ice Bath. Panicking, Colt phones Gail who no doubt doesn't believe the ramblings of Murders and Fruit Bowls once she learns his Drink was Spiked. Case in point, to make this phonecall, Colt had to park his truck illegally, so when tells local Australian cops what he saw, As soon as Gail said she'll "Handle It" the Body is already gone, Meaning it all a big prank on Colt's expense, or Something is going on and Gail is Batman levels of Prepared!

The next day no one believes Colt about what he saw, In fact, Dan is too Busy, because whatever Colt Said to Jody last night, has her all fired up. She Wants Colt to perform a 200 ft drop and then a Fight scene in one take. Jody comes by and Colt wants to Jody what he saw, but Jody realizes with the scanning technology, she doesn't need Tom to finish the Action scenes in Alien Metal, she has Colt, Which makes Colt Happy to be in her good books, make by tonight he'll be back....somewhere else!

ONLY GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS!

More Montage of Film-making as the Former Couple are mending their relationship, so Gail Realizes that the only way to save The Studio from the Lynching it will get from the Media when Tom's actions are made public is to cancel the film, by bribing Colt to leave for America. But as he sees Tom's P.A packing up to leave-Colt gets the Idea to save the Film-Or at the Very least, not become the Scapegoat for it's failure.

Colt Blows off Jody's date to the Crew Karaoke party, to track down Tom's P.A., Alma (Stephanie Hsu) after what will be no doubt a Chekhov's Lecture if mentioning if Tom's Dog Commandant doesn't bite someone in the B*lls, Colt wants any info to find Tom. Luckily Alma just so happens to swipe a phone off Tom's Security Head, Deschler and she will give it to him...FOR A PRICE! 

Meanwhile a Shot Down Jody is really Considering a Rebound with a Staff Member. 

Back with Colt, the Price is a Producer's Credit for Alien Metal. Colt agrees only for Wrestling Jobbers dressed as Garbage Men Taze them both and Kidnap Alma for the Whereabouts of the phone!

YOU WERE 3 FEET AWAY WHEN SHE HELD UP THE PHONE!

Busting Commandant out of Doggy Daycare, he gives chase to the Garbage truck, meanwhile Gail works her manipulation to shut down the production by spreading lies that Colt left the country before the entire world can learn Tom Ryder is a Mur-Diddly-Urderer! This means the action of the fight scene on a moving garbage truck is filmed Stop-Start fashion. 

Meaning the cool image of Colt surfing on a sea of sparks on top of a Broken  car door holding on to a moving garbage truck is ruined by Emily Blunt Butchering "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins and of course she could see all of it was a lie when both scenes happen at the same time if she only turned her head for five seconds.

Retaining the Phone and Saving Alma, Colt runs to the Karaoke Bar, but it's too late-Jody is Gone, So he goes up to the crew's resident tech support, A.K.A. the only other Asian in this film, and flatly snaps "Just use the password, bruh!" Knowing Tom is a mental incompetent even when he's sober, Colt no doubt knows he'll have the password on a post it note in his Air BnB. Involving Dan in his plan, they find the password in a sea of post-it notes. Unlocking the phone and bringing up the latest videos, it only concludes what they feared, That while  Drunk Tom Ryder killed His Stunt double Henry in a joke gone wrong and everyone in the inner circle of the film's production is in on it! Worse Still, thanks to "Kevin" and his "Fruit Bowl" Colt had Implicated himself as the Murderer. EVEN WORSE STILL, It turns out that the 3 Garbage Jobbers are black ops and now armed with backup they are heading for the Air BnB.

Arming themselves with Stunt Weapons, Dan and Colt make easy work of the Jobbers, some even get bitten in the junk again, But Unfortunately, the phone gets destroyed, by an errant Bullet in the Hun battle. He's captured but in an attempt to Disarm his captor's Gun he deftly the replaces the bullets with Blanks, after playing possum being shot up, Colt has no choice but to LE PARKOUR from the Air BnB to Tom's Mega Yacht....right into Tom Ryder's Secret Headquarters. Caught off guard, Colt is knocked out from behind.

Meanwhile Gail is trying to Convince Jody Colt is a murderer, Despite Jody knowing the Stuntman is a softy deep down, Meanwhile A tied up Colt calls out Tom for his C*ke-Feulled delusions that got a man k*lled! But Tom has a reason, Stuntmen like to brag that their stars can't do stunts that's why Henry had to die, that's why Colt had his accident, yes Tom was responsible for nearly k*lling Colt. Gail however is the real head of this snake, as she used the Scan technology to deep fake Colt's face in the Phone footage and gave it to the media, all they need is the original footage back, But Colt tells him his Jobbers are as useless as he is, as they destroyed the Phone. Tom laughs the phone footage was the only reason they kept Colt alive! Colt is covered in petrol to be set alight until he uses a mouthful of petrol to firebreathe a flame onto the Jobber holding the match. 

So Colt Rings Jody and confesses his love and Everything else -His Depression, his Pain, the Fact that Tom Ryder should be Disqualified from The Human Race For Shoving!, and the last thing she hears is a love confession as his stolen Speedboat is shot up as the Weeknd sings a crappy version of Kiss' I was made for loving you! Plays over a dramatic explosion in Sydney Bay! Cody Sievers is dead!

HA! NOT WITH 30 MINUTES LEFT ON THE RUN-TIME!

NO OF COURSE NOT!

But with the scan technology, It looks like Colt k*lled Henry after using dr*gs and breaking into a hotel room. And now to be next day the goons are on set tightening any loose ends, namely around Dan Tucker's neck!

Jody is repeatedly watching the Fire Colt "Died" from convinced he did Survive, when she is snuck behind by a costumed Extra, she beats him up, but it really is Colt!

GODDAM! IF SHE DIDN'T HOLD BACK COLT WOULD REALLY BE DEAD! I KNOW YOU HAD ISSUES BETWEEN EACH OTHER, BUT AGAIN I MUST SAY-GODDAM!

So Colt explains that Gail is so desperate to pull the plug on Alien Metal, so much so, Tom would kill for it! That the footage the media has is Deep fake, but the original is destroyed, But now the plan is to finish the film as a Tribute to Henry and make money like the Crow did....which was still a flop that was panned back in the day, for being released out of bad taste. There's a reason Rust will never the light of day because of that!

Jody Finally breaks that the original film was a Studio Write off from the start, but Colt tells her not to give up, that in the end, if she does, she could  make the story of the Alien Princess Alienetta and Space Cowboy work, if they couldn't make their love work, and who would inspire more girls to be  directors if she gave up?

So Gail wants to takeover as Director-to no doubt destroy the film in the 3rd act. But Jody refuses to leave. No she has a plan to make Tom Confess. To paraphrase The Immortal Bard:

"A Film, Framed as A Spoof, To catch the Conscience of a D**che!" Because Ryder cannot remember lines they are going to film a scene where he confesses the Murder of Henry. So if Tom wants to be the guy to do his own stunts, he's gonna be let do his own stunts. 

So Colt in Disguise puts Tom throughout an Advanced On the job training...one could say a "Crash" Course! Hijacking an off roader to scare a confession out of Tom.

Oh and Dan is still alive, despite him knowing Tom is a bad'un! They just let him work and more importantly, live!

Look, we are at the Climax of this film. They had 2 hours to have it make sense!

So let's wrap this up!

The Useless Goons give chase, but the entire crew are on Jody's side to take them out, while Colt causes Tom to confess, and when he cries Entrapment, Colt says THAT TOM'S WEARING A WIRE, NOT COLT! They do the jump together but they are both hurt, Colt drags himself out and checks Tom's pulse ("What a Shame, you're still alive!"), Gail sticks up the production truck for the film reel (making a point to show Commandant is there) only for Jody to knock Gail out!

The Jobbers are taken out by the crew in a Michael Bay, wet dream of scene, Deschler finally does something by attempting to kidnap Jody, only to be bitten in the d*ck by a dog. Tom and Gail escape into a helicopter with the film reel, until Colt has the plan to Use Jody's camera rig as a Launchpad to jump into the Helicopter to grab the reel and Hurt Tom, Ironically this stunt is a Netless Dive. However the Crew set up a Crash pad in double quick-time, as Gail aims Tom's gun at Colt, Colt reveals that just like before, he Disarmed the gun. Holding the Mag and the Reel he jumps out backwards giving the villains the bird, as he Lands on the crashpad Kiss plays out again,-DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO PLAY THAT SONG 3 TIMES?

And so the film ends with Jody Fishing colt out of the crashpad and them kissing as the set catches fire, the last scene being the trailer for Alien Metal-Tom replaced by Jason Momoa- a Cameo that was actually teased in the film. Kiss is played for a fourth time, Alma gets her producer's credit, the film is cheered at Comic-con. As Colt Monologues that this film was a success and he and Jody are a couple once more, we get a post credit scene where the police arrest Tom and Gail and two of the cops are Lee Majors, the original Fall guy and the original Jody, Heather Thomas.

Tom runs onto a Landmine field to get coverage on his phone and dies in an explosion. In the cop car, Alma who was the police's tip-off, gets on her phone to Jason Momoa's Agent, explaining away the cameo!

WITH NO NOSTALGIA FOR THE ORIGINAL IP, I CAN ONLY JUDGE THIS FILM AS...OKAY I GUESS!

While None of the cast phoned it in, this was not an Oscar bait film, But It was not the worst film ever made. This was a "Leave your Brain at the Door" harmless Fun film, and I loved it as that! Don't try to catch up with how many times the Villain's plan changes, Just look at the pretty fireworks!

CREDITS

The fall guy was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.

With Media from

The Fall guy

Merenghi's Darkplace

New Japan Pro Wrestling

The Incredibles

All Media Belong to their respective Owners.

The Fall Guy Franchise is property of Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved.

AND NOW OUR STORYLINE CONTINUES!

THE 2 DEATHS OF E!

CHAPTER 6. 

THE FIRST DEATH!

While, Ostrich, Yusef and the cosmic Entities were yet to bring Joe-Jack into the fold to track down their escaped Enemies, Eamonn was resigned to his faith, he was a Cultural Happening, a facet of Human culture that was on the decline, so much so he was Taken by Death itself to a Realm of Forgotten things, Curated by beings who were Themselves were Artifacts in the Museum he was sent to, The Appraisers of Will, creatures who allocate the Finite Level of Effort a creature gets in it's life time. All 10 named after the Sephiroth are automated, Trollies on Tracks that are given mobility and Speech through Technology! 

One of them, came to the holding chamber Eamonn was in, the Pompous one Tiferet!

I-TIFERET-WILL SPEAK "Get up, Human! Your Exhibition of your Dying DVD Culture, Starts today!"

And that was the Day of my first Death.

That My Ego was destroyed! For no other reason Than Cultures never seeing a Human, I was Stripped Naked and Paraded like a Horse in A Paddock, the glares from other life forms, the Pointing of fingers the Wide looks of Both False Sympathy and Contempt. I couldn't stand it!

ONE DAY!

One day representing a Dying Culture and I wanted it to end.

I waited for the Second Death.

My Actual Death.

It Didn't arrive, 

something else did.

Over the Lightbulb of my Human Habitat that I was sequestered in during Work Hours, a Ombre light was flitting around it like a giant moth, investigating further it was not an Insect at all, But fragments of Data that were aglow with fire, A very familiar Fire.

I reached by hand to the the object, and then i knew what it was.

Here we go again!

It was, and yet it wasn't! It felt like a Devil's DVD, It's scarred and lodged into the knuckles of my right hand, ripping the "exquisite Sutures" That masked Doktor Creep had an Orgasm over. I felt that surge of Power, the same I got when the devil sent me Leap Year, the same When I Punched Ostrich, the same When I destroyed Silent Hill, the same when I killed New Rage.

"CHAMPION OF EARTH-1 YOU ARE BACK! BACK TO CONTINUE YOUR MISSION TO SEAL THIS POWER FROM FOOLISH MORTALS"

Then i could feel it, the connection to the first fragment, the one that was removed by The Galactic G-men i was duped to work with, all the way back on my Plain of existence it was in the Gae Dearg mk II, Calling out to me, even the 1st Gauntlet devoid of the same power source, it called out, then their sparks flickered and snuffed out, then blazed from their plain of existence to the Grey Area I Was, I covered my vulnerable Naked body from the hellfire, but instead of burns, both gauntlets formed on my hands then, then transformed into what i needed!

 TROUSERS!

And a new Gae Dearg to harness the Digitised Fragment, But Pants was also nice!

"CHAMPION OF EARTH-1, YOUR ENEMIES HAVE CHANGED, SO YOU MUST CHANGED WITH THEM, WHILE UNLIKE THEM, YOUR CORE BELIEFS SHOULD NEVER FALTER, REMEMBER THIS! 

YOU ARE GIVEN A WILL OF YOUR OWN, SOMETHING YOU HAD BEING FORGETTING, SO MUCH THAT I BROUGHT YOU TO THIS MISERABLE PLACE, NOW GO! INTO THE DIGITAL FRONTIER, NO LONGER BOUND BY PHYSICAL MATERIALS GO AND SEEK AND DESTROY WITH YOUR OPINION THE WORST CREATION OF YOUR MEDIA, 

GO FORTH AS THE PILGRIM OF THE DIGITIAL LANDSCAPE!

NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE-As announced on the Revised Schedule, February's review will be the Hollywood Sh*t-show that is hiring Jerry Seinfeld, Amy Schumber and Making Hugh P*rv-o Grant Tony the Tiger in Unfrosted, the film about Pop-Tarts!

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2024: DISNEY'S WISH

 And so, we end the year with a Christmas special, Not a Christmas film, or a souped up Toy Advert, but the first Big Mouse Dropping for a long while, from the Purveyors of Magic and Wonder-Disney!

You know a Film is going to flop when not even McDonald's makes a Happy Meal for it. Googling Disney Wish will bring up the Cruise ship of the same name, unless you specifically type in the words "Film" or "Movie" after. So why did this film Flop harder than a bowling ball in a swimming pool? What makes a bad Animation?

You may say "Clearly the Designs must be terrible to look at"!

....No, they aren't, though the Heroine does look like Pocahontas in Rapunzel's dress with some facial assets stole from Moa'na. And a lot of background characters look like there are from other films, and there is a reason for that, that we will get into.

"Well maybe the film failed because if it's Animation."

.... Again, No! Disney has a track record of taking Animation seriously, just look at any of the behind the scenes stills of Peter Pan where they filmed real actors to properly animate flying scenes or Tinkerbell interacting with things larger than her. Hell, this is the Studio that pushed back Coco, while they were working out how a skeleton would wear trousers.

"So if it wasn't the Animation or Design, the only thing left was it's Story"

BINGO!

Wish fails in it's execution of It's message, but I will go into that during the review.

So for the last time in 2024, let's Dig into Disney's Wish.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED G IN IRELAND, THE EQUIVALENT TO AN U RATING. HOWEVER THIS REVIEW IS WRITTEN WITH AN ADULT AUDIENCE IN MIND.

Well, I don't know what to tell you about this artwork.

I Don't.....hate it! That's for sure. But there is a lot...ok a few things of note, over the logo is our villain Magnifico, only he's not that imposing. Sure we will learn he's nothing short of a Cult leader, But he looks so dahm goofy. Also his hands are Radioactive!

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!

In said hands is one of Rosalina's Lumas from Mario Galaxy. I wonder with how bloodthirsty both Disney and Nintendo lawyers are when it comes to cease and desist orders, would their Respective lawyers be rivals or best friends? 

Over an indigo tinted landscape in a portal caused by the Star thing, Asha, our Amalgamation of heroines from better films, stands on a rock next to a Goat kid, giving us a smarmy look-When the Animal sidekick has more Personality than your hero or Villain, AMIRITE?

Sad thing is, he's probably voiced by a washed up comedian Like Ricky Gervais or James Corden.

(READS THAT ITS ALAN TUBRYK)

Okay , that's not a bad choice!

So the film starts with a Storybook opening itself as the voice of Asha tells us the film's premise: Once upon a time, a man who believes in positive thinking went into the world and got disheartened, so he studied magic so he could grant wishes. Word Followed and soon people would seek him out in an attempt to have them grant their wishes. So much so, when the magician and his wife settled on a Mediterranean island, named Rosas, all those seeking wishes became his followers and colonised this island which became a Sovereign State when Followers who had their wishes taken made the magician their king with full autonomy of the wishes that he promises to grant.

So in other words, A Cult?

Asha Does say he only grants wishes to those "Worthy". And one such family of Rubes who lives on Rosas is her own Family, a Family of Goat herders including a grandfather who is about to turn 100, on the very day King Magnifico Will Conduct a Wish Ceremony, Naturally the granddaughter our heroine is convinced that this wish is going to his. We Foreshadow that the goat will be speaking later, and Mom Suggests that she and Asha Make a birthday cake for Zaba, Until Asha lies that she's only going out tonight JUST for work. Mom says she can tell Asha is lying when she makes long pauses, we get this response that caused me to spit out my drink when I heard it!

"I'm A Maturing Girl, My pauses are now different!"

Hey! a Menstruation Joke in your Disney Kiddie Film!

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!

So Asha is a tour guide here in Rosas, An Island made of Disney Props and References, We have our first Song which I Didn't fast forward because it's world Building, even it it's 3d assets from existing films and video games, Asha's house is the house the fairy godmothers raised Aurora (FORESHADOWING!), there are bluebirds and butterflies that land in women's hair and the marketplace sells Pumpkins, glass slippers, dolls of characters and the like. But there is some Originality, This a medieval world that's a tourist trap where most of the citizens are artisans who one day wish for tidy Profits...But do gain them anyway!

The Song Continues with Asha telling us that when a child turns eighteen or an adult visits the king, That the king removes the Wish from the person and it's crystallized and stored away, and that person forgets the wish, but they are freed of the burden of a wish that may never come through, But that's ok because if you believe enough and are good citizens, your wish will be granted, right.....RIGHT?

"We get our free will sucked out, by choice and maybe if the wish is Convenient for our DICTATOR to stay in power, It gets granted. WHAT A BARGAIN!"

After the song in the castles Kitchen Asha Converses with a Maid named Dahlia, who exposits that Asha wants to be the King's Apprentice, this was the thing she lied to her mother about.

Dahlia is the leader of seven orphans who are Actually references to the seven dwarves, something a lot of people missed out on. In fact there are a lot of references people missed, not in an Easter egg way, but a point that was missed way. Anyway. Not-Grumpy says there is a conspiracy that when someone turns 18, Just like Simon, the Stand-in for Sleepy, they lose some of their will and become listless like he has. But hey, King's Apprentice, that means your family and friends get first dibs on wish grants, including say, i don't know, A Grandfather who turns 100 and may not live to see 101, so yeah, good luck with that!

The Queen Amira enters the Scullery to announce that Asha's Interview for Apprenticeship has being moved up to right now.

Asha is led to the King's Chambers, Amira tells Asha she's rooting for her because she admires her generous Spirit. Inside the Library like chamber, she finds a Spellbook under glass, when she touches it, The glass decoration comes to life and attacks her as a swarm of hummingbirds until the king (Chris Pine) comes in to Save her.

We get some backstory on Asha. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, BUT NOT REALLY! HER DAD IS DEAD! AT LEAST ONE PARENT OF A CHILDREN'S FILM PROTAG BE LIKE:

Asha's father was an Astronomer and he instilled his beliefs onto her. At a young age, The King himself lost his family at a young age to Greedy Bandits, But now look at him, King of the Most Plentiful and Ideal Place on Earth.

"I WANT TO MAKE A PLACE, WHERE NOONE HAS TO SEE THEIR DREAMS DIE IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES"

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER!)

(SIGH!)

So Magnifico shows Asha his collection of Wishes that he has Extracted for many years (Including 3 from the 4 tourists that were convinced solely by Asha's Song-So....WHOOPS!) After Asha exclaims that they feel alive (Oh, Honey! Oh you Sweet Summer Child!), The King sings "At all costs" Chris Pine is Autotuned and maybe it's that, Maybe it's the melody or the way he sings the word "YOUUUUU" But the first half of this song sounds like Dirty Vegas' Song "Without You (Days Gone By)

The Song also is foreshadowing as he sings about the power "Drawing Him in" and "Compulsion".

The Silver Tongued Silver fox convinces Asha as she starts to sing to the balls of Cleaved out Will-to-live, finding Zaba's wish. When the Song ends, she tells the king it's Zaba's birthday and she would love it of his wish gets granted, but the king not only refuses to grant a Mundane wish of being a Song writer, but Gaslights Asha into thinking it's a Dangerous wish. That a wish of "Inspiring The Next Generation" could be Morally Ambiguous. And goes out of his way to say he only grants wishes for the kingdom's benefits. 

So Asha is now becoming disillusioned, if Magnifico has no intention of Granting All these wishes, maybe he should give them back, But no, he's the Grand Pharaoh of this Pyramid scheme, people come here with unattainable wishes. He provides a service to suck out their wish, the memory of said, and their free will and exchange for a promise he will not keep, servitude, a time share on paradise and all the Copium you need to not think for yourself!

So as Such Magnifico wants to make an example of Asha, giving her a stage seat so She can hear him claim that Asha challenged her to grant a wish only to grant the wish of a Woman called Sonya so that when the King says a name with a Hard S, it gets Zaba's hopes up. So Magnifico tells Asha he will not offer apprenticeship to her as the Queen looks on confused.

So Zaba's 100th Birthday is now a sad affair, now that Asha knows the Truth, she tries to tell Zaba the Truth but the old man Refuses to remember the wish or what it was to begin with "Why would you make me remember something that will never be?", This upsets Asha for upsetting Zaba. So she runs into the night and into another song. At this point I'm fast forwarding through songs unless they contain story elements in scene. So she ends up at the Bonsai tree her Father would bring her to stargaze. When the song concludes her lyrics on believing the truth, she wishes on a star and it glows over Rosas, Filling the Folk with Joy and the king with Fear.

While the king feels threatened, The source of this light Evil Dead's Valentino behind Asha's back. Until the Orb of light speeds off during ghost antics until it reveals itself to be a Chubby star...thing. 

Sure enough, this Kirby-Esque Creature Starts Crop-dusting Glitter on Valentino and plants and animals in the forest and makes them talk, Oh and one of the animals is Thumper from Bambi in another reference in this referencefest.

Asha wants to know how is this possible and the answer is, of course, a song!

NO! THE ANSWER IS...

 

So the star can perform magic, but it can't perform wishes, however it is drawn to the wishes in someway, and somehow this Girl who spat out the Kool-Aid, and this non-verbal Creature team up to free the wishes. Meanwhile in the castle's keep, Magnifico tries to find a spell or knowledge to explain what that light was, as he berates Amira, that he doesn't want what happened to his family to happen again, so he breaks out the Forbidden Spellbook, Until Amira talks him down.

So Asha tries to Smuggle the Star into the castle, so she can get help from the Seven Not-Dwarves to get into the Study without notice, so she hides Valentino in a chicken coop. Asha comes clean about the Magic star and I'm glad she did, because, noone would be able to explain...WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!

Star (which is now his name-VERY CREATIVE!) Meets them all but is sad to meet Simon, who already had his soul sucked! There is a call to Assembly and everyone leaves to attend, The lame Dahlia feigns slowness to get the full story from Asha without the others knowing. So Asha spills the beans, Magnifico is a fraud, so Dahlia leads Asha, Star and Val into the dumb Water.

At Assembly the King tells his Rubes that the light from last night was Magic-magic he didn't commit or Condone, Whoever performs magic without the King's approval is A Traitor and when he Finds the traitor, the punishment will be severe, making Dahlia cringe with panic as she causes a distraction.

The door to the Dumb waiter is locked, but Star gives all the Inanimate objects in the study life (they play music that starts like the Magician's Apprentice, but that is soon drowned out.), including a magnifying glass that makes the ripped Papers and tossed books catch fire, the source behind this meme.

Star is bought to the wish room where Asha asks for Mother's and Zaba's wishes Showing the bootleg Togepi a sketch book of what they look like, meanwhile the Distraction by Dahlia turns into a Q and A Session where basically the Conned Rubes start speaking out of turn and regain free speech, which Ticks off the King Immensely. So It's Rumpelstiltskin time-Bring me the traitor and I will grant your wish. Until Then, Noone plays with the toys in the Toybox.

After the worst Villain Song ever created, the one where this meme comes from....

 

THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF EVIL, THIS IS THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY  PULLS OFF A "DEEZ NUTS" JOKE!

The King charges into the room just as Star finds Zaba's wish, As she hides with her friends the song continues with Magnifico having his hand forced to do god knows what when he breaks out the forbidden Spellbook, and makes himself a dungeon.

That night Mom and Zaba are told everything, they can't believe Valentino can talk and they can't believe Zaba's wish is his once more. As it's absorbed into the old man's body he laughs at how pure and simple it was, that he doesn't know how, but he will inspire people.

But then the King Darkens the Door. Asha has being Sold Out, he wants to how she did it-How did she pluck a star out of the sky without magic. Asha refuses and as Punishment, Magnifico pulls out Mom's wish out from his robes and crushes it, the soul energy going into Mag and causing a mini heart attack in the woman, with Magnifico exclaiming if he only knew absorbing wishes could give him this much power, he would have does this sooner.

So you are telling me, he Didn't know til right now, or was not smart enough, to absorb soul power to make himself more powerful, that he was just content with brainwashing and Gaslighting?

Now seeing the king becoming a Power hungry Soul sucker, Star aids the family to escape, with Valentino convincing the knights' and King's horses Orwellian Style to turn on their Human masters!

Bundled into a Rowboat, they sail towards a second island, Asha apologises for making them all fugitives. Mom recovers from the pain, a pain not Physical, but Emotional, like she is grieving a part of herself. But Asha fears for everyone in Rosas as every Pigeon on the Island is now a Pigeon Parfait in an all night Soul Buffet! As the Boat is about to shore, Asha, Val and Star swim and fly back to Rosas.

In Magnifico's Dungeon, he Learns to harness the stars in the sky's power. By sacrificing the wishes of 3 people to Create a Staff from Forbidden Magic. Seeing her Husband Create a weapon of Arcane Power, Amira is Frightened by the changes in her husband's personality.

A new Assembly had being called, With Asha blamed for the 3 souls stolen for the King's Staff's Creation, the king Make his terrifying entrance. Asha looking for her friends in Disguise and sees the Queen just as Concerned. She has the idea to make a Mouse Talk to send a message to Amira.

The Traitor is revealed to be Simon, the King grants his wish because it's convenient and beneficial for him, to make Simon his most powerful and loyal knight, but Amplified by the Staff's power, Simon is also turned into a mindless Slave who tells the king the other Orphans are also conspirators.

Bacenia, The Bashful Dwarf Replacement brings the others to her secret Hideout, which she goes to when human Contact gets too much for her! Asha finds the place by accident. And so the plan is simple: With a Song, Asha, Val, Star and the remaining 6 orphans are Le Resistance.

Their Signal is the sound of a dying Giraffe!

As the Sing Continues they are found by the Queen...who Joins Le Resistance by singing her own stanza to the song. The Queen meets Star and somehow learns from Asha that Star can't leave until the Wishes are freed.

Meanwhile Magnifico has gone Full Energy Vampire, Sucking Up Wishes and dropping References left and right, with just the worst puns ("A wish for a Nanny, well-I'M POPPIN' THIS ONE!)

ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!

Amira sneaks the Orphans and Valentino into the Study to free the Wishes and find a cure. In the forest with Asha, Star breaks off a branch and imparts some magic to make a wand. Problem is, the magic is Sporadic and random, Meanwhile all the orphans except the Walking Stick Dependant Dahlia, are joined with Star and Valentino to open the Starlight, while Dahlia helps Amira to search tomes for a counter spell.

Now, Ignoring they made Dario, the Dopey Counterpart More Neurodivergent, than just plain Stupid, ignore that detail of him getting confused on how to pull a Rope played for laughs, they sent Children to open a Giant Starlight, so of course the plan doesn't work. There is more bad news, as Dahlia reads that exposure to Dark Magic, no matter for how short a Time, Permanently changes a Person!

The orphans decide to plunge into the landing below like bellringers to have the weight needed to open the Roof, when open, the orbs containing wishes float into the night sky and can be seen as far as the Second island, with the Will Returned to him, Zaba rows his daughter back to Rosas to save his granddaughter.

Asha is Blindsided by the King on his horse, and he snaps the Wand underfoot, as he dismounts. Asha Brags that he's too late, only for The king to reveal he has Simon under the power of a Disguise spell the whole time. Asha realizes Magnifico never left the castle, and Simon blocks her path....until a Bear enters Stage left from nowhere and the Forest animals deal with Simon  Stealing the King's Horse she Bolts back to the castle where Magnifico reclaims his wife and Absorbs Star into his staff, But not before giving Amira a Magical Backhand and telling her "Quiet, Woman!"

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO FAR GONE!

WHEN YOU NO LONGER RESPEK WAMANS!

So Magnifico, Drunk off Cosmic Power casts a Permanent storm to blot out the Stars, makes himself Big Brother on any reflective surface and casts Ghostly vines that literally bind the entire populous into slavery, Proclaiming there is no Hope, without him, But him, there will be no dreams, no plans, no stories to inspire.

Well....You said nothing about Singing!

So only in a Disney film does everyone know the Lyrics to the same Song and through the Power of Love, Friendship, Heart Of the Cards, ETC ETC, The song forms new Wish spheres in the bodies of everyone, with the wish that everyone shares-the Greatest Wish of All-FREEDOM!

So lets finish this!

Everyone is freed, Magnifico is sucked into the wand as his magic is reversed, the Wishes return to the people, even those who were devoured return also. Simon slinks in, asking for an apology for his actions-which Amira grants: she too was fooled for far to long, Trapped in the jewel of the now destroyed Staff, the King, still Petulant, bangs on the Crystal like he's trapped in the Phantom Zone, so Amira commands Magnifico be returned to his Dungeon....as it's prisoner!

Some time later, Normalcy has returned, and Amira sets out to grant the wishes, not as a wizard, since she is not magical, but as a Consultant of sorts. Zaba pursued his song writing dreams and Star fixes Asha's Wand, though Asha complains that the wand could barely defeat a fake Mag. Dario Jokingly says maybe Asha could learn to be some kind of "Fairy Godmother" with Star teaching her properly, But Star Chirps sad Chirps, which Asha somehow knows to mean The star is leaving...But not today as the star flies around blasting fireworks that look like a certain mascot! As the book closes on a Happily Ever After, the Credits roll showing Constellations in the sky turning into characters from better Disney Films! 

Despite the Hate Online, this is not the Worst Disney film ever made. Just the worst one made RECENTLY , But it's not without it's wins. The Animation is crisp and as you would expect, the Artwork is Gorgeous, Surely that's all you would expect, right?

Well No, No Amount of Sizzle will ever Outsell the Steak, and in truth, Despite being Made to celebrate 100 years of Disney, the film feels like was Written by AI. Asha is a Chosen One Golden Child, who Humble-Brags to her Less Fortunate and More Capable (and in the case of 3 of the orphans, Dahlia, who relies on a cane, Dario, who is On the Spectrum, and Gabbo, the Grumpy Dwarf, remains having Dwarfism, so not only are the orphans Capable but 3 of them Handi-capable!-and it's those 3 whose actions progresses the Story, Not Asha!) and Stumbles into Victories without Prior Planning or at the very least, Prior indication that things will work in her favour. The Bear attacking Simon, For example, How did Asha know there was a Bear in the forest at that time, Did she meet a Bear early in the film? Was there a bear in the Song sung by the forest animals and we just didn't notice?

Chris Pine as Magnifico can sing, even if the first song relies Too heavily on Autotune, he can tell Jokes but Mags is a bland villain, even when he turns heel, we kinda knew he was a bad'un, because he was presented as a Cult leader early on. If he was supposed to be sympathetic, because of the loss of his family, then making him a Soul Sucker and Not keeping him as a Soul Hoarder was the wrong choice, If he was denying casting wishes of people who remind him of his family, and casting them meant he lost them, that would be A Sympathetic Villain. If he was trapped in the mirror and Cried about Being alone forever, that would be a Sympathetic Villain, He's punished and knows he deserves to be, but in a sense of Irony being trapped in a Mirror everyone will see him, BUT NO! the last thing we hear is "Get me out of this Jewel, and get off my throne, YOU USELESS WOMAN!"

Alan Turbyk's Talents are wasted as Valentino, Because of the Terrible Script, and Yes-Disney Mascots are annoying, but every now and then, they land a giggle and crack a smile, Turbyk says some variation of "I LOVE CLIMBING, BECAUSE I'M A GOAT!" Like he's Sir Lawrence Olivier performing Hamlet and NOT ONCE! does it ever land! Star has no Personality, he's a McGuffin with arms and legs.

The Story Plods Until the halfway mark when they decide to make the king evil, the film has Disney References without ever going into why it's important- It's just there for you to do this at the TV screen when you notice it!

But It's the Ending I Have the Biggest Problem With.

Recall that Zaba's Wish is to Write a song that will inspire people. The Climax sees the King has bound the Citizenry, But it was the Song that everyone sang that was the key to defeating Magnifico...BUT IT WAS ASHA, THE CHOSEN ONE GOLDEN CHILD, WHO SANG FIRST! Had it being Zaba or Dahlia, or any Side character the Moral of Everyone has a life worth fighting for would make more sense because the Former Suckers Of the king's scam are singing IN SUPPORT OF Asha to finish the fight, not to BOOST HER EGO in a song she started!

Speaking of Songs, in the Film's prevailing Spirit of Unoriginality, every Song sounds like music that exists already. And I am not talking about songs that sound like songs from Other Disney movies, I mean Songs that sound like other Real Commercial Songs. At All Costs begins sounding like Dirty Vegas' Without You, The song sang by the Squirrel Sounds too much like "Life, Oh Life" by Des'ree and the Resistance song sounds like it was plucked from Greatest Showman! Despite the Initial Shock of "Are you Serious?" hearing a Familiar Chord or Stolen Melody, the outrage is soon forgotten as these songs are THAT forgettable. A decade on from Let It Go played on the radio, and this is the state the music is in?

With an Uninspiring Hero, A damp Squib of a villain, A Comic Relief with no comedic lines, a Story that feels like 100 years of Cinema History Boiled down to base Unifying Plots with References for the sake of References, Wish is not as Pathetic as a film as People think....

But as the Film that was released to be the Milestone Film of a Company- a One hundred year Game Changing Legacy no less-NOW THAT'S PATHETIC!

CREDITS 

Disney's Wish was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli) on Twitter

With Media from:

Disney's Wish

Inugame Korone's Youtube Channel Representing Hololive

Once Upon a Time In Hollywood

All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

Wish is the property of Walt Disney. All Rights Reserved.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY AND SAFE 2025 TO ALL MY READERS!

Until January, this Blog is Now Locked until then. When I return we will be close to the 300th post and the announcement on the main blog, enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com on what that film may be! 

But For Now, I need to Rest and Be with my family until the new Year. So as I log off for the year, I urge you to do the same with your own families and friends this Holiday Season.