Wednesday, May 25, 2016

EPISODE 108: EAMONN REVIEWS THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER

(When we last Bogger Box Office, The Pimpernel of Earth 3 finally arrived in our Earth, lets call it Earth One to keep it simple, finally arrived with a shocking Revelation, the dictator of his world the "Leader" is Eamonn! Or rather a Dimensional counterpart of Eamonn, Who in Earth 3 has used the recently invented powers of Eighties Lad's Power Glove to rule!

We now open with the trio running for their lives from the Pimpernel's Shock sticks.)

GREAT(!) I complain about not being killed for over a year, and now a psychopath from god knows where turns up, claiming i killed his planet, and runs amok, all because of this untested Weapon of yours, 80's! Well, no TIME LIKE THE PRESENT!

Yeah, Dude, you should, like, Totally use the dvd interface built into the Repluser dock to down load the hand to hand protocol

Good Idea, we still don't know if this Kamen Rider Knock off can use magic, My run-ins with Magic Users have being....unfair!

UPLOADING REVIEW!
"LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYKsjdkdRbw

In the Year that sees Dreamworks squeeze the last ounce of Originality of Kung Fu Panda into a 3rd film, It's only fair i review the film that also cashed in on the first film, Produced by Brinquedo Animation the Brazilian company that made Ratatoing you know the film on Bad Movie Beatdown?
Image result for ratatoing laugh
Yes That's the One!
Okay Dvd in, No trailers, no Music No features, just one option in the main menu-PLAY FEATURE-AND AWAY WE GO!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8s-agVDrEg 
We start with a pan of 90's style 3D, a featureless green void for grass and on it a cube with pyramid that's supposed to be a building called "BEAR BAR BOX!"
Image result for spongebob do these words even make a sentence

Inside we get an EXTREME CLOSEUP to a Panda Whistling and none it's lip movements match up. It's now twerking with it's terrible animation makes it looks like his muscles in his backside have the consistency of liquid,
and trust me noone wants a
Image result for liquid ass
He get's tripped by his boss, A polar Bear called Polaris, Pancada the Panda apologizes for daydreaming
00:35 on the video above
Wait, I RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!

YES THAT IS THE VOICE OF DAN GREEN!
Which makes me think that Kung Fu Panda would be a million times better if Po could do a MIND CRUSH!

Pancada daydreams that he is in a aerobics video, despite Polaris wanting him to clean his place for Fight Night.

That Night, Teddy Thunders, the reigning champ for 2 years straight wipes the floor with Sweet Bear, a Care Bear Knockoff! Polaris is pissed that Teddy's win streak is killing the business, and he would like to unretire from boxing to teach him a thing or two!, But his lawyer Grizzlepuss, (The late ,Great Maddie Bladstien) reminds him/exposist that if he does, he will lose the club majority shares over to him! The Waitress Hunnibun, fawns over Teddy making Pancada which he had that effect on girls. Pancada asks his boss if he can leave early. He mentions that he pretended to like boxing to get a job was all an "act!" so when Polaris turns to his wrestling poster when he says that word, he gets an idea!
Image result for the little panda fighter grizzlepuss
By the way, this is what Grizzlepuss looks like, it took Nintendo 9 years after this to make a bear with a snot rocket look cute!
Image result for cubchoo plush
D'AWWWWW!!!!
Pancada arrives at a monastery....OF DANCE! To Train in dancing by this brown mammal thing called Master Xin, who when he see's Pancada in Pink Legwarmers, makes this face!
Image result for the little panda fighter master xin
Pancada asks Xin's advice on how to impress girls, he tells him Loyalty has Value, but Pancada takes it as "MO' MONEY, HO MONEY!"

The Next Day, Polaris reveals he is going to fight Teddy wearing a black ninja suit, so Grizzlepuss wont suspect a thing, but the suit needs to be washed, so Pancada takes it, As he waits, he dances, but Hunnibun comes in and see it, he lies and says it's Katas! Hunnibun flirts with him (With Veronica Taylor provided the Mae Valentine flirty voice for this !) says he is impressed with men who can fight!

YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!

Hunnibun and Grizzlepus insult the Masked Bear, and when Pancada defends his boss, they get it so wrong! Compound the fact the ninja costume shrank in the wash and makes the polar bear looks like a panda, and the same panda is not seen at the fight, due to him leaving in secret to a audition, this plot to this comedy of errors is now complete!

In Round Two Polaris Beats Teddy by jumping over his punch and knocking him out, At the Audition, A jump at the end of Pancada's routine divides opinion
PLOT POINT
The Next day, Pancada gets attention from everyone, oblivious to the fact that they think he is the Masked Bear!

Polaris is naturally upset by the Rumour, but when Pancada explains where he was, he gets a laugh out of it! So there we have it, the plot get the girl, you must MAINTAIN THE LIE! But When Grizzlepuss taps Polaris, he flinches, or at least makes a noise! Dahm this animation!

So Pancada trains with Both Master Xin and Polaris, actually getting the Punchbag gag from the  Source material, Xin reminds Pancada that while it's good he is showing loyality to his boss, he should be something he isn't! So Pancada tells Polaris that HE will face Teddy in his rematch, One training montage later, Pancada is ready to go, even if he's never taken a punch in his life!

It's the Night of the Rematch and Pancada is laid out in the 1st, loses on points in the second, and when he dances, Teddy just knocks him out to win the title, Pancada apoligizes the Polaris the next day, but in a dick move, Polaris tells him he placed all his money on Teddy and now he's minted, so minted, he can no retire to the North and sell his half of the club to Pancada, this doesn't make Grizzlepuss too happy when he works out the scam, But is more happy when he makes more money, when Pancada turns the club into a Dinner Theatre!

THIS FILM SUCKS!
The Animation is terrible, if this was in the 90s noone would bat an eyelid but this was the last decade! the mouth lineup is terrible just look at the whistling in the first scene look at it! worst still, the 4k voice actors, are not credited, instead they just used google translate on the Portuguese credits,  also the moral of "put up with jerks from work until you make enough money"? That's a terrible moral!

In short
THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER: NO CHILD WILL BE CRYING WHEN THIS PANDA GETS EXTINCT!

CREDITS
Little Panda was  Reviewed,Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli
With music and footage from
The little Panda Fighter
Ratatoing
Spongebob Squarepants
Pinterest
"Maniac" by Hall and Oates

NEXT MONTH: THE FIRST FIGHT BETWEEN EAMONN AND THE THIEF OF BOREDOM,
AT THE SAME TIME! I ATTEMPT TO REVIEW A FILM BASED ON A FORGOTTEN PIECE OF BRITISH COMEDY-
LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN: APOCALYPSE!

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

TICKET TO HELL: DA ALIEN BEES R STEALIN' R WIMIN!: EAMONN REVIEWS JUPITER ASCENDING PART 3

(THEME OF THE MONTH: I HAVE NOTHING! So once again! make do with The Catchiest Song Ever Made!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fpc4AUaHhY8ob 
To Continue where we left off, Jupiter Jones was an unassuming, but fashionably dressed toilet cleaner before finding out her father, a British Lord was an Alien, and the entire Royal families of Earth by proxy!
BUT NEVER MIND SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE A BETTER FILM THAN WE HAVE! This is a melting pot of every good scifi idea ever conceived (Aliens, Androids, DNA Splicing!) but the flavour of the stew is ruined by adding stupid flavours (Hammy Acting, A dumb as bricks heroine, Pansy-boys with Mammy issues in skirts as the villains, and incest!)

Back on the Aegis Spaceship, Jupiter (Mila Kunis)  has had a lucky escape from marring her half-brother, all to reinstate Caine (Channing Tatum) and Stinger (Sean Bean) back into the army. Jupiter has returned to Chicago to see her family are long gone captured by Jupiter's other half brother, Lord Baliem (Eddie Redmayne) Inside, Chicanery and a Dragon wait for them, Baliem's Demands are simple; abdicate and her family will return or Watch Earth's resources and Genetic Makeup Milked like a fat udder! Jupiter being dumb as dirt! excepts the demands of a madman who gets off on torture!
Image result for it's a trap
Well of course it is!
 Auron (the Planet Jupiter's secret City where Human's are really from!) cuts off Stingers pod from the Aegis. Jupiter is trapped on Jupiter the planet!

Baliem hams it up big time to celebrate his victory, Stinger tells Caine that he can rescue Jupiter, with the POWER OF LOVE! Jupiter sees her family in the Harvester and surrenders to Baliem's demands!

Caine on the other hand with the POWER OF LOVE! Crashes into the Shield generator and An "OXYGEN FACTORY!" (Yeah, it's a factory that takes Hydrogen's one atom and adds it to Nitrogen's 7 atoms, so it can pass it self off as Oxygen on a Cellular Level! it would make sense if it was an Oxygen CONVERSION Factory!, But no, "OXYGEN FACTORY" is not what we are going with!) Caine Enters by doing hoverboot Le Parkour and Mila knees Redmayne so hard, he may become a Danish Girl the Hard way!

I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THAT JOKE!

So Let's End this!
Jupiter rescues her family, But Lord Puffy Pansy Pinky Pants! attacks her with a single sai with a Limp-Wristed Motion! almost insulted by the his cowardly attack, Jupiter shoots Baliem in the Kneecaps, Jupiter atmosphere (the planet) reacts the oxygen from the "OXYGEN FACTORY!" To combust anything that's not evil! Caine kills a dragon by doing a Mortal Kombat Fatality on it!, who rescues Natasha, Jupiter's mother and returns to see Baliem hitting Jupiter with a pipe, Monologueing  about how his Mammie issues caused him to kill his Mammie! But Jupiter over powers the wimp!, as she pushes him into the planets core, as Caine rescues Jupiter from midair, making sure that  she and him get picked up by the warp of the Aegis escaping the burning planet!
And so this film Ends some time later, Jupiter is back cleaning toilets and happy with her lot, knowing she is financally set for life from thepayments from the governments of world, as THE SECRET OWNER OF PLANET EARTH, Means she can have live a humble life with her Wolf-Bird Boyfriend!

OH MY GOD DID THIS REALLY DRAG OUT TO 3 PARTS?!!????
Okay, first the cimenatography, it looks amazing! the world building, the costumes, some of the spliced animal characters. this would have being a worse film without the budget to do these things! Sadly this film is a Microcosm of Mila's Film Career: Looks alone can only get you so far!

Mila Kunis meanders from one rescue to Another, Tatum pouts and dramatically turns to the camera at every turn, Gordon Booth and Redmayne are camp as Christmas at Elton John's!,Redmayne is particular spends the entire 2 HOURS! (YES THIS SHIT-TRAIN CHUGS FOR 140 MINUTES!) Channeling Alan Rickman, by not letting his lips touch each other when he speaks! not killing the USELESS! Kilik and the Filthy Bastard that is Titus were meant to be sequel bait! but winning 13 of 14 Razzies means that will never ever happen!

(Hours Later, Eamonn had A presentation in Enlightened Towers With 80's Lad hovering with Excitement over a  cloth covered podium. On a few Chairs, Joe-Jack, Mammie and Elephant In The Room sat confused and uninterested!

IZ DIS GONNA TAKE LONG? COS MAMMIE HAZ HER MEDS T'TAKE OTHERWISE SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP!
Okay...Fine, I give you 80's lad new Weapon against anything that will destroy us from another Dimension. (80's lad fluttered the blanket off the table)....CODE NAME, GAEDEARG!

OH GIVE OVAH! DAT'S A BABYS IRONING MAN TOY GLOVE, SO IT IS!
MUCH LIKE THE OTHER REVIEWER CHAMPIONS OF THEIR SITES WE HAD TO DISGUISE IT AS A TOY!
...ONLY A SICK MIND WOULD DO THAT, EAMONN!
OUT OF A WORMHOLE THE PIMPERNEL STOOD ARMED WITH HIS SHOCK STICKS HIS FACE COVERED WITH A BIKE HELMET HIS MOUTH COVERED WITH A WHITE SCARF WITH BOTH ENDS FLOWING IN THE WIND LIKE AN ANGELS WINGS!)

I'm Sorry...who are yo....
I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE A DIFFERENT EAMONN FROM THIS WORLD, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE ACCESS TO TECHNOLOGY THAT THE OTHER YOU , THE "LEADER"  USED TO DESTROY MY WORLD!

TO BE CONTINUED....

CREDITS
Jupiter Ascending was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 3 Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Clips and Footage from
In Part 1:
Favourite Rocketship from Little Einsteins
Jupiter Ascending
Yugioh Arc-v
Beast Wars

In Part 2:
Ghost In the Shell
"King Of My Castle" by Wamdue Project
Jupiter Ascending
The Daily Show

And in Part 3
THE CATCHIEST SONG IN THE WORLD! AKA Disco Romancing by Elena
The Empire Strikes Back

Jupiter Ascending was produced by Warner Bros. All Rights Reserved. All clips and Footage Belongs to it's respective owners!

NEXT MONTH:
THE FIGHT AGAINST  HEROES IS UPON US! BUT 1ST! EAMONN MUST CONTEND WITH A POUND LAND KNOCK OFF OF KUNG FU PANDA-THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER!