http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncjcjpQzceQ
In the last decade, a little film called Dodgeball exploded onto the scene. The concept of a minor sport getting the serious business treatment of soccer and the showmanship of wrestling was a winning formula.
Unfortunately, it launched a whole slew of terrible copies-Blades of glory, Goon, Beerfest, and today's abomination, Balls of fury.
This DVD cover is atrocious!
The name of the film is printed off kilter on a flaming ping pong ball, so it looks like it's being traveling from another point of the cover. Where? Well the logo is is drawing attention to ASIAN! Actress Maggie Q, wearing a skimpy quipao and doing the splits. And if you think that's racially insensitive, we also have Terry "Muscular Black Man who's in Everything" Crews dressed as a Harlem globetrotter and Thomas Lennon dressed as a German leather freak. Towering over them are Christopher Walker dressed as a Mandarin and Dan Fogler (Yeah, me neither!) Who's eye trail bring us to the tagline, A huge comedy, with (sigh!) Tiny balls!
And that's where we stand, 80 minutes of ball puns and casual racism this is Balls of fury.
This DVD has trailers for Definitely Maybe, Charlie Wilson's war and Wanted. Imagine watching these every time! It'll be like losing The Price Is Right and seeing what you could have won!
We cut to video tape of the Seoul Olympics, and the package tells of 12 year old Randy Daytona training under his father Pete (Robert Patrick)
Oh dear, a flash back, a child prodigy and a happy family.
THIS WON'T END WELL!
So Randy must face Karl Wolfschtagg of Germany (Lennon), despite Randy asking his father not to bet on the game. Sure enough not seeing his father at his side and being kidnapped by an Asian Tong is enough to distract him long enough to lose the game, Tsang Sung from Mortal Kombat gets the order from Feng to kill Pete and we cut to 19 years later in Reno, where Randy (Dan Fogler) is now a Ping-pong cabaret act. He still has the skills but these Dinner Theatre Patrons could care less, he mistakes a patron for a volunteer for a trick and he Barrages him with volleys to the point that he has a heart attack and dies. As Randy gets fired and packs his things, an FBI Agent, played by joke stealing hack George Lopez, asks Randy to come out of retirement and enter Feng's (Walken) tournament so they can arrest him before he launches another shipment. Or Something! This film is stupid, and it makes no effort in not being stupid! Case in point the only place Randy can bury his father is at a Migrant workers graveyard under a Water Park! So Randy's in!
Losing to an asthmatic and short sighted man with Down's Syndrome (yes this film has sunken lower than a snakes' belly!) Lopez sends Randy to a restaurant in Chinatown, to receive training from a blind master, who walks into a wall, and somehow can smell Caucasian off Randy's skin. Master Wong tells Lopez and Randy that Feng was a great player but his desire to make more money than the sport pays made him turn to crime, along with Wong's son, who was killed by Feng for going straight. Randy begins training and sees Maggie (Q) playing 4 opponents at once , or at least that is what the CGI is supposed to look like, here it looks like 4 dudes putting souls on the line whilst Maggie is just limply waving a paddle back and forth, wearing a tank top too small for her (not that I'm complaining!) Wong Tells Randy that she will be training him to be in top shape. When One of Maggie's opponents gets fresh with her, it turns into a kung fu fight. because every Asian knows who to do Martial Arts Right?
Also Maggie has the Worst timing in a fight scene, If i'm ever unfortunate enough to receive a copy of King Of Fighters; The Movie I may make a review that's all failure memes! So the guy threatens Hong for teaching a white by telling "The Dragon"
The Next Day Training starts and Randy must play with a wooden spoon, he exclaims it's impossible until Maggie volleys a shot with said utensil. We also have more racial insensitivity as Randy kills a Lucky Cricket and we see ping pong themed Tai Chi. Maggie doesn't take too kindly to any person who anymore who pisses standing up, especially those who want to bang her, even though no one bring uop the fact all she wears is sports bras and Quipaos, she also tears Randy a new one for saying ping pong is just a game as she reveals the hurt on seeing her father die, and when Randy says that they are the same, she tells him that he deserved it! Here despite how stupid the premise is, Maggie Q acted her ass off here!
BUT NEVER THAT SHIT! lets have Randy stung by a whole hive of bees! He has night terrors that wakes Lopez , who shoots off a few rounds. Randy asks why he is even considered for this mission, until Lopez confesses he's not a field agent, he's a pencil pusher that has failed other angles and no one expect Feng to be collared during his tournament. The Phone Rings and we are shown that the restaurant has being Ransacked by "The Dragon". Hong's honour as a teacher is on the line and Randy most restore it. Hong reveals that "real " ping pong is a shady business and if Randy Beats the dragon word will go out to Feng! Maggie gives Randy a paddle that belonged to her father. A bait and switch with a gangster with a dragon tattoo reveals the Dragon to be...a 9 year old girl!
So the guy who couldn't beat a cripple, has beaten a little girl, and won a place in the tournament, the FBI plan to bug Randy and given what passes for humour in this film, guess where the bug is going! A limping Randy in an airfield should give you a clue! ...and Maggie and Randy are in love now, they were only insulting each other father's and cultures 10 minutes ago, and another bait and switch as a bus to Mexico brings them to a ...shaolin temple of table tennis, complete synchronized games played by a militia, a lavish palace of gold and silk, kidnapped geishas, and sumo wrestlers. From a Siam chair, Feng makes his entrance, the dialogue for Feng is atrocious but no other actor would get away with saying, "okie-dokie artichokey!"
Feng introduces the other competitors. Fingers Wilson, played by Crews, a lager drinking Australian stereotype, a Japanese samurai stereotype, and to Randy's horror, Karl Wolfsctagg. Feng sees Hong and after insults, tells Not-Grace Jones to kill Tsang Sung...because he's evil and stuff!
After an Embarrassing Display that adds Gays to the people this film has insulted, the tournament starts with Randy versus Fingers Wilson. Randy wins, and Fingers gets killed on the spot, Naturally Randy wants to escape but Feng has a proposition for the the loser, giving him a tour of the bunker, he tells him that the bunker is set to explode if invaded and while he has shipments of guns, girls and drugs, it's nothing compare to his dream and real weapon...An Electrified Vest that Weaponizes Ping Pong balls! he also explains that the same shocks that tightens the muscles also kills the user, but maybe Randy can live long enough to do damage and what does he have to live for with this, he has a purpose in life again! Randy refuses since he still wants revenge on his father! Telling Lopez about the plan has the joke stealing hack answers with a blank "huh?"
FORESHADOWING!
Wolfschagg beats the Italian Stereotype and Wedge, Randy defeats Yamoto and a conjoined twin and somehow Lopez puts the tracker into the hidden room.
Lopez in a fit of Blind rage breaks Randy's Arm! So Lopez' Bungling does cost the hero's their chances after all!
FORESHADOWING HAS ARRIVED!
But Feng tells Lopez he recognized him from the start and orders the tournament to continue, or everyone dies!
Randy makes a big entrance to face Wolfsctagg, but once again the film pulls a Bait-and-Switch. Feng kills Wolfsctagg. Randy must face a kidnapped Maggie to the death. she refuses to play and then she and Randy tie game. Feng gets pissed by this and orders Not-Grace Jones to kill to them only to be offed by her own dart in a paddle used to block it! The FBI has Arrived and Randy rescues the gays
Let's Finish This, For The Love Of God!
Feng and Randy have a match in the Weaponized Armour and compound is set to explode, Feng has set the suits to use any surface as a ping pong table, turning their game into a sword fight,We have more Racially Insensitive Martial Arts, Where Maggie's Hair seems to grow and volumise with every cut of the camera, and returns to it's previous length afterwards!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hUZEuSGA4
And Feng and Randy have ended on rickety Rope Bridge, The film also felt the need to pull Lopez' bosses heel turn out of it's ass! Randy exposes Feng's lack of a back hand as the crime-lord's armour kills him and so the boat sails away from the exploding compound, and so the film ends with the dojo rebuilt, except the film still felt the need to make Randy punched the junk by the Dragon and Hong falling down an elevator shaft to what maybe is his death because that's the kind of film this was!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
Where's the Star power besides Christopher Walken? also this film was to much like the Proginator of the genre Dodgeball! Don't believe me? Rag-tag bunch of losers? CHECK! Disabled Coach? CHECK! Skilled love interest with pented up aggression? CHECK! If this film spent more time being funny and not insulting Asians, Australians, Blacks, Germans and Gays....IT WOULD STILL SUCK!
CREDITS
Balls of Fury was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
with clips from
Phealus and Linkara-the Airzone Solution
and Music
Rock of ages by Def Leppard.
Balls of Fury was Produced by Rogue Pictures and Distributed by Spyglass Entertainment
All Rights Reserved.
All Clips belong to there Respective Owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE....
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT/
YOU BETTER HOLD TIGHT/
BECAUSE THIS XMAS/
FRED FLINTSTONE IS SPOILING FOR A FIGHT!
FLINTSTONES AND WWE STONEAGE SMACKDOWN IS COMING TO TOWN!
No comments:
Post a Comment