THE TWO DEATHS OF E
CHAPTER 9 Most bad decisions are Made in Backalleys!
When Eighties lad and Sabaru Left the Discard Dimension, They Still retained a concept of time, despite being trapped in a white void.
I bring this up, Because while they had no idea where they were, they surmised it was 5pm local time and some backalley in an English speaking part of the world, And it was spring as evidenced by the shadows cast on the bins and windowsills around them.
The Demonic Woman, grabbed a helpless rat and with her Powers, Transmogriffied the Poor Rodent into a drone, which the time Displaced Genius Flew to a telephone pole. to ping a location with his hi-Tech 3d glasses.
To their Disgust, not only were they still in Ireland, But still in Butt-craic, It was like the Gods were laughing at them!
We Better bounce, Babe! It Wont be long before Eamonn and his Pet Caveman comes looking for us.
You spoke too Soon! Look!
It was as Saburu said. An unlikely crew of Joe-Jack, Satanic Ostrich, The Cosmic Entities and...a man she'd never seen before....He looked like a Cleaner, More refined Joe-Jack. A Brother, Maybe!
Oi knew Ya woul show up, makes it easier to find ya!
Wait, Edwin Tantulus is our enemy?
I Wouldn't be and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU ONLY KILLED THIS BODY, THE ENTITY OF RAGE WILL BE FREE AT LAST FROM THIS CORPSE HE'S ANIMATING!
And What? Pende*o? Let you kill everything and everyone? No you both made your decisions. Be thankful the discard Dimension Cancels your Death.
Okay...But who is this women
Suburu
SABURU!
Don't you know, She said with a Laugh!
I'm Queen of this Planet.
RIGHT.....~Someone not named Joe-jack Explain.
She is Sabaru Of the Mara, the last of her Kind-demons. Who exacted revenge on the Human Race by Exploiting Eamonn's need for Love and Respect by making him Vouch for her intentions which were to humans into the Monsters they are!
And when the hell was this?
-last year.
-BUT WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK THE BLOODY SAME? WHAT DID EAMONN DO TO STOP IT?
He didn't. I DID!
-Sure
-WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN OI SAY DAT?
-Wait by the way she's staring daggers into you...NO WAY! YOU? HOW?
-Turnin' All mankind intah monstah's was only 'av ov it! To do that, she had to destroy all hope on the Planet, So when she captured us. she put us in bullet-proof cells with me still holdin' me gun! She gloated that she had all the faith in the world we could never destroy the glass...
BUT WITH "ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD" GONE DOING THAT WAS YOUR TICKET OUT!
An' it meant she would have Died from the glass lodgin' intah her heart!
THAT'S HILARIOUS!
Angered by this Saburu threw over a Pub Bin, to find weapons, she found Chicken Bones and Rotting Meat. "Perfect". She used her magic to shoot a torrent of flesh at our Heroes, who drew weapons, until the Cosmic Entities rewound time to before Conflict would be engaged!
yOU wILL nOT eNGAGE eACH oTHER, sUCH aGGRESSON iS nOT pART oF tHE gAME!
yOU nEED tO fIND yOUR hUMAN, aND yOU dESIRE tO kILL hIM...bUT yOU nEED tO fIND hIM fIRST! oNE of tHE aPPRAISERS hAS OVERSTEPPED. iT'S dUTY has bLINDED iT fROM sEEING tHE tRUTH. tHE hUMAN'S sOURCE oF pOWER iS nO lONGER cOMPLETELY bOUND bY a pHYSICAL fORM!
Weight. You might think Oi'm crazy, but Oi have an Eye-deer, so i do!
You're Right. I DO Think It's Crazy...Which is why I'm Humouring You.
All we need to do is find a DVD. A FILLIUM SO BAD WE CAN USE IT'S POWAH TO TRACK MISS'ER EAMONN.
I member, da first time we fought Da Divil, the Dvd's spun in their cases as a sign of his arrival.
But can we even find a dvd that awful?
Oh, I HAVE A FAIR IDEA WHAT ONE TO USE!
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12, EQUALIVANT OF A PG-13 RATING FOR VIOLENCE, SYSTEMIC RACISM, SLAVERY, DEATH AND THE REAL LIFE DISCUSSIONS OF PUBLIC URINATION THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND DISGUSTING. SOME WORDS WILL BE CENSORED FROM THIS POINT ONWARD. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
It's Being a Long time coming!
But Finally Rock the Dwayne And his Bottle filling Johnson is finally getting what he Deserves for k*lling the DCU.
This film could have been better if it wasn't for the Ego and Strange Behaviour of it's star.
Rumours of Johnson Rubbing cast and crew the wrong way started to appear online. Johnson, who was making appearances for WWE and working as a Newly Announced TKO Executive (TKO holdings being the owner of both WWE and UFC) would turn up to filming late-if at all! To the point that scenes had to be finished with a Stunt Double in a green mask and Rock's face digitally added. During the Filming, The Rock had a Bizzare series of interactions with a couple of In-N-Out Brand Burger Restaurants where he would claim to have his "First Ever Burger " in Successful attempts of Free or Comped Meals. And as Alluded to above Johnson would complain about the tight suit he would wear and some unfortunate Crew members were Reported to Dispose or Empty bottles of Wee-Wee to make sure they could make overtime if Johnson was too busy making sure his Nepo Daughter got a General Manager job she Doesn't Deserve!
But can we truly Blame One Man For This Travesty?
Well, Let's Find out as we dig into this year's Ticket to Hell, Including the 300th Post, Black Adam.
Same problems with this cover like the Flash cover. A third of the film is took up by the logo and it still feels empty. Two Thirds of this cover is filled head shorts with no cohesion to it whatsoever-Big Johnson looking down at his co-stars and a Lame Battle Scene where Hawkman's Mace has to talk to The Rock's hand.
Or maybe Rock is telling Hawkman to Stop In The Name of Love?
We open with Some Child Flatly Reading A Script.
"Before Rome, Before Babylon, Before the Pyramids, There was Kandaq. It was the First Self-Governing Country. A Mecca of Commerce and Enlightenment.
"But Everything changed once the Fire Nation Attacked!"
Kandaq was Usurped by king Ak-tum, a Pharoh obsessed with the Dark Arts, soon his plan to forge a crown to control demons would be made true, as Madeupistan has rich viens of Madeupium ore, which Ak-tum enslaved his own people to mine in green screen Deserts!
Pfft! Eterium? Unobtainium? Give me good Ole Contrivium any day of the week.
So one of the miners finds a Nugget of Eternium and it causes a fight for the reward of Freedom between the Slaves. Until it's Broken Up by the flat voiced child who is equally flat delivering lines in a made up language.
Look, it may sound like I'm ragging on a child. But none of the local actors, combined with the terrible Sound mixing, hit their lines. I'm sorry Warner Bros, but with all the money David Zsaslov is going to save Disowning The Looney Toons, couldn't you have just flown in Arabic American or Arabic British Actors?
The Miner is given his freedom....The Freedom of Death, as he is kicked like the Ethiopian Messenger in 300 into a Quarry.
The boy is taken to one side by his father, Tehtadam (Johnson) telling him not to be so dahm Naive. The Boy refuses despite causing the death of an old man just now. So the Little Idiot steals the nugget and holds it up, making a triangle with his hands, as Copy and pasted Extras start praising Yevon. The Little Dumbass is about to be executed until he is sent to the Rock of Eternity, where the Guardian Wizards imbue him with the powers of Eygptians and Mesopotamium God's, as opposed to Shazam's Classical and Biblical Figures. But the Dumbass made two mistakes. One, he took his sweet time to have Ak-tum finish the crown of McGuffin and to give the powers to his father. However, in the Battle that followed, Ak-tum was Defeated but the Palace became Black Adam's Tomb and the crown was lost to time and I'm sure it'll Neeever bother anyone again!
Cut to present Day Generic American Geopolitical view of the Middle east and Little Dumbass has reincarnated into something worse.
A Skateboarding Gen z-er who gets his news from ThickoThot!
Living in a Militarised zone, he is tripped off his skateboard by a surly Australian peacekeeper trying to do his job. When the little sh*t calls him a F*cist, he gets so angry, he let's a truck harbouring a Fugitive to go through.
Turns out the woman is not a Terrorist, and the Peacekeepers are Funded by InterGang.but an archaeologist and the mother of Little Dumbass, Arianna, who her son, Amon wants to help her find the crowd of McGuffin to free Kandaq from InterGang.
Driving into the desert, Arianna is aided by Two others, Kareem, her brother and the comic relief and Ishmael a Richard E Grant lookalike who certainly is not a Villian (!) Are soon ambushed and betrayed by one of their own. Arianna has a Heirloomed Necklace made of Madeupium that's will lead them to the tomb. The woman retrieves the crown, as Ishmael mugs for the camera. As InterGang surrounds Arianna, the light refracted from the Necklace reveals a spell hidden on the slab. Reading Shazam, Black Adam rises from his grave as he kills every Single Merc, as Ishmael the Halal Ham-actor tries to steal the crown for himself, or would if Arianna didn't pull a switcheroo on her traitor. As the Rock K*lls a whole army in Super Slow motion, he walks past the Archaeologists Van and a Rocket made of Eternium hits him, working like Kryptonite hitting Superman.
So Ishmael is our Mastermind, again my theory that DC will only fork out for the real villians If they truly believe that a Sequel is a sure thing holds water. News of Black Adam's Resurrection reaches America as Government handler for Meta Human Affairs Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) tells agent Carter Hall that the Suicide Squad are ill equipped to stop him, So his team will be given the pointwork to deal with Black Adam, and they are:
Maxine Hunkell aka CYCLONE, Sidekick to the Android hero Red Tornado, has wind Manipulation powers and Computing skills.
"She has all her character's Constellations unlocked on Genshin Impact "
Al Rohlstein Jr aka ATOM SMASHER 2, nephew of the original also heading to Hall Mansion Maxine is riding her bicycle to. His uncle is played by Henry Winkler. Something, something Dc jumped the Shark!
Dr Kent Nelson (Pierce Brosnan)aka DR FATE. Nelson draws his powers from Naboo, a Helmet worn by The Lords of Order, Basically God's Beureucrats to keep the world chugging along, even if that means not Saving people who will die anyway or k**ling a Child who may grow up to be Future Hitl*r. Its safer to say the Helm Puppets Kent's Body. Misses his wife.
And Carter looks over his shoulder to his own costume in a glass chamber for Carter Hall is HAWKMAN!
Hawkman has one of the most confusing back stories even by Comic book Standards.
He and Hawkgirl were Ancient lovers who were k*lled by a villian, who reincarnate every 1000 years and gain Wings when they meet each other in their new life, and must meet, otherwise Carter will go insane from the imbalance of the Hawkman Curse, without Hawkgirl to syphon his power. Only for them to be fated to die by the same villain over again. He seems fine. So let's assume there is a Hawkgirl.
Only for the Writers to say "Screw that! They were Aliens the whole time!"
I AM NOT KIDDING!
So we have an Electric man with the powers of Gods and America are sending two untested teenagers, an Elderly man and Hawkman running on a half tank because Hawkgirl is played by Lady-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.
In his chauffeured car, Kent puts his hand on The Helm of Naboo and The Helm shows him the Future, namely Destruction and the death of Agent Hall.
So now this new iteration of the Justice Society of America get to Hall's Jet made of Nth Metal, the material that the Targarians, Carter's Race makes their maces and armour from.
Now I know what you are going to say.
Why would a Hawkman, a Wind user and Dr Fate need a plane if they can fly? Well it's for Atom Smasher's benefit as his powers is Giant Growth after eating a high protein diet!
Arianna has Put Black Adam in Little Dumbass bedroom, where Tehtadam suffers Nightmares of his son's disappearance and his own death.
He stirs from his sleep, Shooting the face off a Henry Carville Superman poster.
D**k Move, Warner Bros! D**k Move.
Oh, and Black Adam can just Use his lightning to coterize the wound like nothing happened, because God Forbid we Humanize our Heroes.
So...after 5000 years, the first people you meet are people with strong resemblance to your wife and son, and guess what emotion Johnson goes with to convey this confusing feeling off Rage, sadness and unresolved grief?
As Mom researches the Crown, she finds a proverb on it that reads "Life is the only path to Death." Which makes Kareem shout "yeah, No Sh*t!"
Little Dumbass, sorry Amon, Tells Black Adam for the last 5 Millenniums, Kandaq has being Invaded by one Dictator or another, But now the hero has returned to restore The Country's Traditional values and lost honour...
And here is where I should be very careful, because what Amon just said mirrors The sentiment of Hate Groups and Terrorists. When the Taliban returned to power in Afghanistan, they revoked education for Women, and they did it calling it "Traditional Values!"
Oh and Potential Spoiler for the film, but in the Comics. Black Adam is the Undisputed Ruler of Kandaq, which is now magically nuked back to the Bronze Age and the people don't care!
Thetadam goes to leave and smashes walls and tv for poor comedy. He recognises Arianna's voice as the one that freed him, and never shows any emotion that she resembles his wife in every way. He tells them he is no leader, it's their job to K*ll their Enemies. Mom doesn't want anyone killed, she thought she was Awakening A People's Champion, not some Self-serving Egotist.
Are we talking about Black Adam...or Dwayne Johnson? Because that line could go either way!
But instead of Letting him float away, Amon pesters him about how Cool and Rad it can be to use his powers to make money!
Just a little zap of lightning!
Just enough to scramble the speech centre of his Brain.
DO IT!
In the JSA Jet, The Justice Society are about to touchdown. The Plan to deal with Black Adam? Is to Talk to him!
Al Goes to touch the Helm of Naboo, but Maxine tells him touching it will sent Him To The Shadow Realm. Probably. Because noone has ever been stupid enough to even try it!
Seeing Tehtadam Fly to look at his Statue, Little Dumbass, makes things worse by pestering InterGang During a Skateboarding Stunt scene with Licenced Music. After a fakeout that makes it look like Amon Fudged Around and is about to Find out, Arianna is recognised and arrested for questioning, Until Black Adam saves them by k*lling all the InterGang soldiers by recreating the Mexican Standoff scene from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" complete with music, until he is about to drop 2 jobbers from a great height, until the JSA Jet Rucks up to him. Unimpressed and undeterred, Black Adam drops them as Hawkman and Dr Fate Springs to actions.
Hawkman in his Rip-off Falcon Armour save the InterGang soldiers as the townspeople boo them for arresting them and cheers when Black Adam Vapourizes them to ash!
Hawkman and Dr Fate begin their plan to negotiate...and by Negioate they mean threaten! Black Adam Refuses to Both Kneel or Die, So Kent Magics up an illusion of Kandaq in its prime to distract him, while Hawkman gets the Jump on him. All the while Cyclone, Atom Smasher and Amon Stand Slack jawed and useless. Until she's called to battle. Cyclone does a Cirque De Soliel Dance in midair that loosens some scaffolding that become spears that fly towards Amon, only for Dr Fate to teleport Amon away from Danger.
(Snaps Fingers)
Darn!
Arianna's Bag touches Dr Fate and he feels the presence of the crown inside it!
Finally Atom Smasher arrives and Stealing potential Energy from cars to grow 6 storeys tall, saves (and tries to rizz up) Cyclone, But the Society drop their guard and Black Adam buries under the giant hand that smashed him, flies out and uppercuts the giant into his own statue that crumbles to rumble to have the peasants turn against the JSA.
Despite Causing an International Incident, Kent tracks down Arianna, because as a lord of Order, Dealing with Lords of Chaos relics takes precedence. Arianna spouts more insane Troll logic, as Hawkman tries to convince The Kandaqi have being lied to about Black Adam, it doesn't help that Atom Smasher keeps doing repeated Johnny Somalis on Tehtadam's Statue. Dr Nelson asks Arianna to give him the crown, she says she doesn't have it! She doesn't know who now does.
BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY! BUT IT'S LITTLE DUMBASS! As he skates back home.
Back in the Market Square, Hawkman tells Arianna that Ancient Scriptures that they have access to shows that Tehtadam is not the hero they make him out to be.
So Ancient Texts Stolen by Americans, sorry but not helping your case, Birdbrain!
Well somehow Arianna bends and takes the benefit of the doubt and agrees to help in Negotiations
At the temple, Arianna confronts "The Champion " that he was not killed, he was sealed after k*lling everyone indiscriminately. But Arianna still thinks because of how he carries himself, he can still do the right thing.
At her home, Amon returns to see Kareem taken Hostage by Ishmael and tries to keep him schtum about the crown....but fails miserably to read between the lines. And he too is taken hostage. Kareem rushes Ishmael, Sacrificing his life so Amon can Escape with the crown.
Despite Hawkman and Black Adam itching for a round two, Amon calls Arianna to tell her Ishmael is alive, working for InterGang, Kareem is dead and InterGang is raiding her building. The mother pleads with the Anti-Hero to save her Son, which he tries to do, before Ishmael bumbles the boy into the chassis of a Sky bike. Atom Snasher continues to be as Useless as a Chocolate Teapot!
Dr Fate teleports to Arianna's House to find the crown and heals Kareem's wounds only because it's not his time. Following every Sky biker, Black Adam Kills every Single one of them, only for the Audience to learn Ishmael is still on solid ground, as the Sky Bike is being hauled by a truck into the desert.
In the JSA Jet, Kareem is operated on by Cyclone who injected him with Nanomachines (Son!) We get Cyclone's Backstory, sparse as it is. She was Kidnapped at age 15, by a Mad Scientist and Injected with the very Nanomachines she's saving Kareem with, and after that she became a ward of the Justice Society of America.
Dr Nelson tells Arianna that she can't change the past, but she can change the future by trusting him. Hawkman has captured two Skybikers and Black Adam Sarcastically interrogates by threatening to drop them for not getting his answers...and then drop them anyway!
You know Rocky, I think you need a new bit, this dropping people to their deaths after saying you won't is getting Stale.
He does learn that Amon is taken to a place where everything comes full circle:
Amon Is forced to work in the mines!
PART 2, THIS BLOGS 300TH POST, WILL BE OUT IN MAY!
