This may be A shock To anyone who's came here for the first time but I'm a bit of a Retroviewer. I rarely review anything more than a year old, due to the closest cinema being 3 towns over in any direction.
Also it helps that I review what appeals to whatever slice of Collective Childhood we all had!
But do you know what I haven't covered yet?
Book Tie-in Media!
Keep in mind, As I'm Irish, Growing up Between the late 80s through the 90s, and Vicariously through younger Siblings through the 2000s, there was a lot of British shows that tied to popular books, that every house, school, playschool and Library had. Puddle Lane in the 80s, Rosie and Jim in the 90s, kipper the Dog, Maisie mouse in the 2000s. But as the years went on, these Books seemingly disappeared. Once seen and bought everywhere, but Now? You can't even find them at the Jumble Sale!
Why is that?
Yes, much like any other medium, America has an influence, Where's Wally could be Repurposed by Part-work Magazines to teach Geography and History. The Berenstein Bears-I was gifted so many as a child. But one that Continues with Fondness to this day even after it's creator passed on in 2015, is Clifford The Big Red Dog.
For those living under a Rock, Clifford The Big Red Dog was Written by Norman Bridwell for the Scholastic Publishing company, and with an impressive 80 books, (the last two published posthumously) the Big Red Dog became it's mascot.
The Series Follows Emily Elizabeth, A Big City Girl who Adopts a Small Puppy Despite her family living in a block of flats.
However, This Dog is no Ordinary Dog, the amount of love and Affection caused the Animal to grow Giant and well....Since this is an Origin Story, I won't ruin the ending just yet!
So With That Said, Let's Dig Into Clifford the Big Red Dog!
HOW CAN SOMETHING BE CUTE AND TERRIFYING AT THE SAME TIME?
Yes, I am aware of the Horror Edits Of this Film on Youtube. And for good Reason! Sure it looks cute in the picture, But when this......THING! is in Motion, it's Quick and Janky and it's Presence is Off-putting! That Said The Cover Shows some personality of Clifford Being a Playful Dog with a Frisbee....except its a Manhole Cover. It's Cute If you don't think of the Ramifications on where he found it.
The Film Starts with Bridwell's Art style replicated into a sweeping shot of New York (BECAUSE IT'S A BAD FILM REVIEWED ON MY BLOG SET IN NEW YORK, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?) As a Very familiar voice narrates about Magic being real and how it brings lost souls together! The world transitions into live action, following a Golden Retriever entering an Abandoned factory. The Dog had Previously given birth to a litter of four including Clifford, who was Hiding in the blankets. That's when some Dog-Catchers Arrive and take away the mother and the 3 Puppies they can see.
Curiously, they didn't frame The Dog-catchers to be Cruel, as they do in other films. Maybe it's due to Clifford being adopted after being abandoned , it makes sense not have a Double Standard!
After Title Drop, we are introduced to Emily Elizabeth (Darby Camp). After I got over the fact she's a red head not Blonde, (there is a storyline reason for this!) There are other things changed and fleshed out (Her Mother's British, she's a paralegal, They live in New York because Emily is on Scholarship to a Prep School, But they are Struggling Financially, and she is bullied because of it!)
She tries to tell her daughter that you have to stand for yourself. But she's Upset she has Noone else, we Don't ever see a Father nor is he ever bought up! But since this is a children's film, this applies...
AT LEAST ONE PARENT TO THE HERO OF A CHILDREN'S MOVIE BE LIKE.....
Mom is Going to Chicago for work, so she needs a Babysitter for Emily, But it won't be Uncle Casey, "THE GUY WHO THINKS GREEN M&MS ARE A VEGETABLE!" NO, NOT THAT GUY! WHY EVEN BRING HIM UP?
AAAAAANNNNNDDDD FIVE MINUTES LATER!
We are introduced to PG Stoner and Waste of Space, Casey, (Jack Whitehall) Sleeping in a U-Haul when a traffic Cop uncovers his Scam to put an Out of order sign on a parking meter to stay parked Indefinitely. Also, for some reason Whitehall, who is British, Speaks in an American Accent, despite his onscreen Sister being British!
Back to Clifford, He crawls out of under the shutter door of the factory, because he is a little smaller than he was, Back to Casey, he's in a building for a job Interview for a book Illustrator and using a soap Dispenser to wash himself....Naturally he doesn't get the job!
Emily is Collecting Plastic Bottles and Meeting Quirky Characters (And Burning Up Screen time, If I'm Being Honest!) Clifford is Scrounging for Food in Central Park ending with him Fighting with Pigeons and losing. Until he is found by the Narrator, Mr. Bridwell. (John Cleese)
Like I said in my Ella Enchanted Review years ago, every time I see One of the Pythons do a film like this makes my Childhood die a little more!
Mr Bridwell picks up the small puppy, and tells him that he has a Greater Destiny than he can ever imagine.
THAT'S SOME SUPER VILLAIN SPIEL, THERE BRIDWELL! WHAT'S YOUR ANGLE, CREEP?
Meanwhile Emily returns for her mother to give her bad news, the only person she could get is Uncle Casey, who instantly raids the fridge and becomes The Thing That Wouldn't Leave. He's expressingly told not use the Faulty Dishwasher. So watch him use it to clean Clifford or shit like that! He also explains he is British....he just lost his accent, and Proves it by saying British things....like Bollocks! That Why the Film had a PG Rating!
Collecting Plastic Bottles, in the park across the street Emily sees an Animal Adoption Fair, in what may be the One Instance Casey shows Sensibility, He's not sure about it, but He'll take Emily at least.
She enters a tent with Bridwell's name across it, Filled with Exotic Animals and Fantastical Beasts like Shrunken Giraffes. But in a lamp post Emily finds a sleeping Clifford. (the reason they made Emily a Redhead is so she has an affinity towards him.) Bridwell says that he is an unique animal, that despite his small size, he will need only one thing that will make him big and strong-LOVE! BUT Casey likes being fed for free, so he reminds Emily that Her Super, won't allow a Dog in a Building that had no pet rules for a reason.
Arriving at school, the other children laugh at Emily for actually doing the Recycling for the fundraiser when all they do is have Mammy Write a cheque!
THIS IS A BASED OPINION, BUT I USE TO HATE THAT! I WOULD ACTUALLY DO THE MS READATHON ONLY FOR THE BIGSHOT FARMER'S CHILD TO HAVE MAMMY WRITE A CHEQUE I USED TO HATE THAT FOR THE VERY SAME REASON!
After being called a Foodstamper, Emily Does make a Friend in a nerdy Admirer called Owen. She's Embarrassed at class of Course, and runs home upset, Casey watching the news foreshadowing the Villain, A Greedy Capitalist, Emily's Bag starts moving on it's own, Revealing Inside Clifford, and is officially named as such. However prior to that, Emily tried to Google Bridwell Animal Shelter, but nothing was Found!
A MAGICAL SUPERVILLAIN IS SELLING CURSED ANIMALS! THAT IS SOME DARK WEB SHIT!
When Clifford goes scrounging for food, Casey find him eating the meat from his sandwich. He's upset that Emily may have Stolen Clifford and Undermined his Authority. But agrees to let the dog stay the night but and then it's back to the Island of Dr Monroe for Clifford!
But that night, poor Emily has being Cyberbullied and she Cries and Wishes that both would be big and Strong, so noone would hurt them. Outside, A Storm is Brewing as Mr Bridwell Looks up at the flat to see what Terror he has Wrought!
Sure Enough the next Morning, Clifford is now a Ten Foot Property Damage Suit come to life, made Worse by the Strict Super, Mr Packard coming to fix the Dishwasher and we get to see Jack Whitehall doing what he'll do from now on: Being Mauled by CGI.
......
THIS IS A TALENTED AWARD WINNING STANDUP COMEDIAN, AND BEING THROWN AROUND IS ALL HE DOES FOR THE REST OF THIS FILM!
They Avoid revealing Clifford to the Super (For now!), But Emily Convinces Casey they need to see a vet. After all, what If continues Growing, which makes Casey make a face like he just met Damian in the Omen.
Emily is worried about taking Clifford out in the open, But Casey points out that, People in New York are so up themselves they don't notice anything. As Evidenced by a man on a phone, literally jumping 3 leather belts tied together to lead a 10 foot Bright Fire Engine Red Dog! Now if they got in his way it would be a different Story!
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| "HEY WHATSAMATTERYOU, YOU WANNA ROLL-UP SPORTS PAGES UP YA CORNHOLE, YA MOOK? I'M WALKIN' 'ERE!" |
Until Owen and A few onlookers actually do see Clifford being put into Casey's U-Haul, Owen is picked up like a Toy and is now here for the ride, So Emily tells him to keep him a secret!
.....Which won't be kept, because in a park Those Giant Plastic Balls you can ride in are Bouncing in Clifford's Line of Vision! It's time for some Reckless Endangerment!
Despite nearly KILLING A MAN! There are People with Smartphones, pointing and Laughing at the Kaiju Sized Eldrich Horror in their Midst! Then the Dog Pisses on Jack Whitehall, just because!
Meanwhile at Lyfegro Genetics (a Subsidiary of Obviously Evil, Incorporated!) Zac Terran, a Balding Version of the Zuck, is Looking at his Genetic Experiments to make food Bigger, not to feed the Poor, but to make money! Despite Creating Giant Eggs, they break on Contact, and 2 headed goats and Militarized Sheep are not want he asked for.
Oh no! A Big Corporation made something Dangerous, that rarely happens in American companies that may have partial Government funding!
So as you may have Guessed, and me telling you previously, but this is our Villain, a man who wants to capture and Experiment non Clifford to make Giant Food for already Fat 'Muricans and his already Fat Wallet.
"Mammy, What's Capitalism?"
Just to remind that this is a film tied to a Book for Preschoolers, who have no idea what's going on!
Speaking of having no idea, the Vet (Played by Kenan Thompson) Surmises that despite being a 10 foot Bright red Dog, his teeth and heart are that of a healthy animal. Emily is kind of sad that there is no cure for her pet.
At the Reception desk, woman behind it (all the while her Doctor is being "Hounded" by Clifford for Treats.) Regales Emily with stories of other animals, From an introvert who bought a positive reinforcement spouting Parrot, to a Wheelchair bound women who walked Again thanks to a Massage Giving Monkey!
Lady, I'm sure what you are telling me uplifting stories and the only bit of exposition in the whole film, but I think your boss is being Murdered!
Also, why does the Receptionist know about Bridwell and not The Doctor, Would Have saved on Actors and given Kenan better lines!
Owen realized that Since Bridwell was using the The School Grounds to host the adoption drive, he must have given an Address for the school to contact him. Meanwhile at Lyfegro, Terran orders his men to Shoot Microchips that when scanned, will announce that Clifford is his Property.
I Don't think that's how Property works!
Also of Course Being the Zuck, Terran Uses Social Media to stalk People, He now knows where Emily Elizabeth Howard lives, also I didn't know she had a Last name, I always thought It was Elizabeth!
Owen and Casey break into the School Reception to try and find Mr Bridwell, Meanwhile, Terran Bribes Mr Packard and he learns from the Zuck that the Howard Family indeed have a dog. Clifford had Gotten loose from the U-Haul and tracking Emily's scent to school, Where Emily is Buying a Dozen a hot dogs to feed him, only for the Bully who called her a Foodstamper is at it again! When Clifford arrives, after Emily accidentally hits Florence with ketchup. The sight of the now famous dog make Emily Popular. Florence calls them Both Freaks, But Clifford bring a dumb animal licks Florence and she runs off when she is Laughed at.
When the Howards return, Mr Packard has Evicted Them. However the Husband of the Paralegal Couple gets into a spot of bother putting up a Satellite Dish and would have fallen to his death, if Clifford hadn't saved him. The Block Celebrates (And I'm sure saving a Lawyer's life, will come in handy later on!)
Owen learns that while Bridwell didn't divulge an address, he told the school he was not going to be available tomorrow since he is going to be at A Hospital. But Casey tells Emily that getting her home back is more important. On cue, Terran turns up claiming Ownership of Clifford. Quicker than you can say Magic Beans Casey sells Clifford to Musc Zuckerbezos! Emily sees through Terran's lies so he just orders his stooge to shot the Microchip into Clifford, which causes the Kaiju Canine to bolt.
Owen and Emily use Casey's van to chase Clifford but So do Lyfegro Goons. In Chicago, Emily's school gives her mother a courtesy call since she hasn't being in school today! Wait, a whole day passed between coming home from school to now? Where were they if a whole schoolday passed between getting home and now?
Owen Lets Clifford and the Howards Stay in his penthouse, which given that he goes to an elite prep school like Emily, but she is on scholarship, makes sense that his family is minted! Casey gets a phone call from her Sister and yeah, they made national news so of course, she is pissed off!
Meanwhile Terran Has Got the police involved, after all he can claim that Clifford is his genetic Experiment.
Owen's Dad Returns Home-CONVENIENTLY! Owen's family made there money owning a Nature Reserve in Hong Kong!, But with the entire city after Clifford and the microchip claiming Terran owns him, Putting him on the boat maybe the only way to save him.
Emily is upset That Clifford is being sent to China without ever finding Bridwell, Casey gives it one more day, If they can't find Bridwell, Clifford is on that Boat to China, No Excuses!
While Checking the Hospital for Bridwell, Owen is left to guard Clifford, who Escapes after the dog Farts and Owen opening the Van door for air (Because HURDUR KIDZ TINK FARTS R FUNNEH!)And seeing Clifford, and hearing on the big award Muskerbezos put on him, get on there Phones.
In a Hospital Ward. Emily sees an Orderly carrying a Box of Bridwell's Clothes and an Empty Bed. The Patient beside it tells Emily the bad news...
John Cleese Doesn't Get Paid by the Hour....Also Bridwell is Dead! To make things worse the Police are chasing Clifford Down. But there is no choice but to send Clifford to Hong Kong!
But this is not the end!
Emily has made the news as New York tears itself up looking for The Big Red Dog!
So Turns out the patient beside the guy who said Bridwell was dead Did not meet Bridwell. As the Patient Forward the email for the Memorial of a black Man. Bridwell has sprang up online again this time in Central Park Tomorrow morning! But there is Bad News, the Boat to China was Intercepted by the Coastguard and Clifford is Captured by Lyfegro, so the Entire Block goes to Save Clifford!
OK, so 2 Lawyers may be handy in this venture, but A Magician, 2 clerks from a Grocery Store (One of them Handicapible,) and the live action Version of the Russian Granny from Madagascar, NOT SO MUCH!
So lets Finish this!
Turns out the Paralegals are useless when you are as Rich as Terran as he gets Security to throw them out when they accuse him of his crimes on camera, Magic Mack tries to pick a lock, but gets flustered enough he throws a smoke bomb, which causes a safety override to open all door in Lyfegro, including the one guarding the Militarized Sheep,Which the Russian Granny tames with Singing and Condensed Milk!
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| Would you believe there is no clip or image of the MST3K "This Makes No Sense and Yet It's Working" Clip online? |
Security arrives with A Taser, which Pedro Blocks with his plastic Hand, But Jose punches the security out with one Punch "He has a Plastic Hand, But I have a Real One!"
Okay that Line was Good!
Emily Finds Clifford prepped on an Operating table and Fears the Worst, Until the Big Lug wakes up. Emily on the Back Of Clifford, with an army of Militarized Sheep in Tow (See, the Fact you made more than One, Meant you were up to some shit!), Casey gets on Tv to explain what really happened, as His Sister has returned to New York is heading there by taxi. Emily finds Bridwell in Manhattan, he explains he gifted a friend a suit so he looked good for his own Funeral, and reiterates that Love makes Clifford big, and you cannot take love back, The Police Circle the Park, And Bridwell tells Emily that if she wants to be heard, She has to Speak!
One Decent Filibuster later and Everyone is on side, even Mr Packard, In comes the Zuck to remind people that the fact of life is "I'M RICH, YOU'RE POOR, FUCK YOU!"
The Police scan Clifford for the Microchip, Which Exclaims Emily as the true owner of Clifford, Causing Zuck to runaway on foot and Bridwell to imply he changed the Read-out of the chip by Magic, which is something he could have done this whole time.....
And So Mr Packard has a change of heart, and the Howards can return to their home, Casey gets a job and Clifford gets to live in a Block sized Kennel in NYC.
APART FROM THE MEMES THIS FILM IS OKAY!
Lets get all the Good out of the way first, the Story is Gentle, the moral of Standing up for yourself and those weaker comes out strong and Darby Camp, who plays Emily maybe a star in the next few years.
But you can't Avoid the Big Red Dog in the Room.
But enough has being said about it, so lets move on to the other bad in this film, Not Jack Whitehall himself, But WHY is he here? I'm sure he was tempted to break America,but I would have loved to be a fly on that Particular wall during the contract arrangements
"OK Jack, we love your Stand-up especially your Joke about you and your girlfriend stopping short in a hotel pool, that we all agreed, THAT GUY NEEDS TO BE A PUNCHING BAG FOR A GIANT MUTANT DOG!"
-I DON'T KNOW...
YOU GET TO SAY BOLLOCKS IN A KIDS FILM!
-DEAL!
also the whole Greedy Capitalist Plot, I know you need a plot so even the parents don't roll their eyes too much, but the thing is, DO WE NEED A GOOD VS EVIL PLOT....for this Film? You had a Ready made Plot, You have a giant Dog and a Pet-Hating Super, you have lots to work with already and yet you go with Balding Zuckerberg analogy who makes Funny faces. And the Ending is An Ass Pull, though giving the 92 minute run time, the Target audience would have being asleep by then!
Though the film is decent and pleasant enough, there is enough slapstick violence and the utterance of a swear word to makes it a film you don't want to put on without Adult Supervision!
NEXT MONTH, IT'S WHAT EVERY CHILD DOESN'T WANT, A TOY TIE-IN WITH CELEBRITY VOICES SO THE PARENTS CAN WATCH ALONG INSTEAD OF DUMPING THEIR KIDS IN THE CINEMA, WHILE THEY GET RAT-ARSED!
BUT FEEL FREE TO DRINK AS MUCH MULLED WINE AS YOU CAN, TO GET THROUGH UGLY DOLLS!
CREDITS
Clifford, the Movie was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER -GO TO @REALENLI)
With Media from:
Clifford
Inugami Korone's Youtube Channel
Usada Pekora's Youtube Channel both representing Hololive.
The Simpsons
Star wars
MTS3K
All Media used Belong to there respective owners.
Clifford is Property of Scholastic Publishing and the Estate of Norman Bridwell. And the Film was Produced By Paramount, All Rights Reserved.
