I feel like I've being here before.
I've already Talked about CollegeHumour's Dora The Explorer Edgy Movie Parody and how it Sown the seeds to make an Actual Dora the Explorer with a Teenaged Dora.
Today's Film is a Similar Story.
About how a Fan Video Casted Nathan Fillion and Stephen Lang as Nathan Drake and Victor Sullivan respectively for a film Adaptation of Uncharted, Basically Tomb Raider, But With a Penis!
So Imagine the Collective Rage When Sony Announced That they were Making an Uncharted Film and Casting Tom Holland as Nathan Drake and Mark Wahlberg as "Sully"
Now Class, Do you see a Problem Here?
And while Cinema is a Magical Medium that can make anyone Suspend Their Disbelief for a Hour or two, If you know Anything About Uncharted (And I can Admit I Don't) But Five-Foot-Nothing Tom Holland and Middle Aged Marky Mark, Cannot Pass themselves off as Grown-Ass Man Nathan Drake and a Elderly Man With a Beard, They didn't Bother to Tell Wahlberg to grow facial Hair Out for the part!
But I am Not Attached to Uncharted as I am to, Say, Street Fighter, Tekken or Super Mario. So Will this film only annoy fans? Or Will it fail like every other Adaption by Hollywood Check-Chasers?
So lets Dig into Uncharted, and find out If this Is a Hidden Gem or Deserves to be lost to time.
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| UNCHARTED-SPONSORED BY NIVEA FOR MEN! |
The Artwork is Cluttered and Busy, They Couldn't Decide on a Group Shot on a Map or a Scene from the movie and went with Both! There are too many light sources all bunched together vying for Attention, Be it Holland's Shiny Forehead, Wahlberg's Shiny Forehead, Antonio Banderas' Shiny Cheekbones, Some Scared Woman holding a Torch like she's playing a game of STUPID DARE!, A Woman holding a knife from a scene that Has Illuminated her hair and jewelry to make her look Native, which in context she is not!, And the Sun peering out over 3 boats filled with Extras heading to Shore. Even Variants of the logo can be either Gold or Chrome, another Shiny Light Source. The Group shot is combined in front of a Gold Circlet, Which Ironically looks Dull in Comparison.
We Start The Film, How the First Game Starts, With Nathan Drake (Holland), coming to And Waking up In Midair, His Shoelaces Tied to a crate tethered to other crates slowly being Jettisoned out of a cargo Plane,
Y'know, most people would just prank their friend at a sleepover by shaving half their head, But tying their laces to a falling crate off a plane....It's new I give you that!
Copping On, Real Quick, Nathan Starts Hopping from Crate to Crate when he gets himself free to get back to the Cargo Plane, Not only having to deal with Turbulence and Debris, But Armed Mercenaries taking potshots at him. He kills one and he lets out his first line. One that Gives you the worst first Impression of this character
"OH GEEZ, I'm Sorry!"
Nathan Drake.
A GOSH-DARN YOU TO HECK CERTIFIED BAD-BUTT!
After a leap of faith back to solid ground... plane... Whatever! Drake is then ran over by an Seemingly empty Sports car with the Handbrake taken off because though effected by Gravity, it drove into him because we see the wheels turning as Drake is knocked out of the plane again, only for his hand to be pulled up and into a flashback.
I'm not kidding, they edited this to look like Nathan was saved in the present, and pulled into a similar Situation where he was left Dangling, this time over a window, which the audience is told to be Boston 15 year prior.
Nathan and Sam Drake have broken into a Museum of History to steal the Map of Ferdinand Magellan, after all the Drake Family have the blood of Sir Francis Drake in their veins, at least, that's what their parents have told them, but Nathan believes they are still alive. Sam picks the display's lock, but the alarm goes off. The boys are arrested and Returned to their Orphanage!
Because of his Age, Sam is to be arrested and tried as an adult. Nathan sees his brother is trying to escape, but he talks Sam Down. Sam says his goodbyes and leaves Nathan their Father's Ring on a band, It's Latin inscription translates as "Greatness comes from the unlikely of places", and a lighter wrapped in a seemingly blank piece of paper. Instinctively, he uses his lighter to illuminate the back of the paper, (a running joke that gets old quick is the lighter doesn't light the first time in any situation, even the most desperate times) to read a secret message written in invisible ink.
"Good Day, Naoto Shirogane. I am the Phantom Thief and I have stolen your Childhood Detective's costume?"
No off course not, it's something lame like never forget who you are!
And I'm sure, we'll NEVVVVVVVVER See Sam Again!
We end this flashback.....by going into another flashback!
This time we are 15 years later in New York. And Nathan Drake is now a bartender, ironic given he looks like he has to be stopped to give ID every time he goes out!
Nathan uses his job to pickpocket, showing disdain for rich people like this blonde student from Greenwich who paid via Card.
When he passes a man in a side Table, we the audience, see him pickpocket Nathan. He tells young man he offended him, because the blonde was his mark for robbing. The man is Victor "Sulley" Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg) and he wants to hire him for a big "Job". He declines but reaches into his pocket and sees the Bracelet he stole is now replaced by a business card with an address and a taunting message.
Doing the old Bump into a Security guard to steal his keys Bit, Drake breaks into Sullivan Acquisitions, and see a familiar Sight, Magellan's Map.
Playing up his ego of being Francis Drake's direct descendant, Sullivan wants to use the map to find the Treasure of Magellan's Eighteen, the crewsmen that carried on the voyage, but hid the treasure that was supplied by a private party, one that over time evolved Into a Illuminati type family, the Moncada family headed by Antonio Bandaras, who's family has Supplied wealth to every evil in Spanish history from the Renaissance Forward.
Sulley tells Nathan he knew Sam in fact 2 years ago, he and Sam were in Spain to uncover Magellan's Diary before he disappeared. Sulley Doesn't know if Sam was Kidnapped or had gone rogue, but if they find Magellan's Gold, they may find Sam. Nathan is worried about his brother, but he's hasn't made contact for 2 years, so he declines, however finding his father's ring in a drawer of letters. He gets a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye! He calls Sully and asks when does he start.
And he does Next scene!
It's daytime and Drake and Sullivan are Heading to an Auction in upstate New York, where there is an auction for Spanish Renaissance art. But they are here for one of 2 crosses, which are in fact keys to open the treasure, Sulley has the other one, the Captain's Cross and This cross is the Crewsmen Cross, the keys were designed that both were to be used together for some action, that way, noone could double cross (see what I did there!) Anyone else! He wants Nathan to cut the power in Augustine's so he can do his thing.
A montage of Holland planning, exercising, and bartending And we cut to that night, Suited and Booted Sully and Drake head to Augustine's. Until Drake sees a sports car, the same one that will nearly kill him on the cargo plane, Sullivan curses that that's the car that belongs to Santiago Moncada, if he gets hands on the crew's key, It's Over.
But it's not the only party, we have a silver haired woman, called Joan Braddock (Tati Gabrielle), who flirts with Sulley, who reacts by telling her that working for Moncada, that's low, even for her, and she replies by laying the foreshadowing on too thick! She knows all about betrayal, after all she learned everything from Sullivan.
Moncada introduces himself in a creepy manner, Implying to give Nathan a Bullet Related Accident if he bids for what Moncada sees as his birthright! Or who knows, maybe Drake may end up like the Magellan's Eighteen drowning themselves clutching the cross that never belonged to them!
The Auction begins and Drake makes himself scarce, But Joan puts 2 security guards on his tail. But since Drake is taking his time,Sully starts counter bidding Moncada, Who Joan as his aide has probably, more than likely even, warned her boss about!
Drake is about to cut the wire, but is interrupted by a Security Guard who is Scottish and tells Nathan, he's gonna "Gonna Giv' Ya a Scottish Welcome!"
I'm Sorry, What?
That line can only make sense if the heist was in the UK, and the security man knew Drake was American.... which he does know because they are in America!
But that the only ridiculous line or line read in this movie, there is a worse one later!
Communicating through earpieces, Sulley tells Nathan to do something, Anything to stop the auction. Nathan's idea is....let the security beat him like he owns them money, as the final punch lays him over a balcony as he grabs a light fixture that brings others down. The ruckus caused makes the Auctioneer call for the cross to be secured and the auction Cancelled with no lots changing hands. Sulley dressed as a curator takes the cross as he tells Nathan that's business, nothing personal and leaves him high and dry.
Sulley proud of himself is attacked by Joan who has a scythe to his neck. When 3 security men arrive, Sulley Manipulates the situation, after all it looks like a curator is being robbed, as he walks away he's glad that it's not his throat being slashed.
He enters his getaway car and is Surprised to that Nathan had escaped... Somehow! And is not too happy that he's being used as a patsy!
On a Private Plane to Barcelona, they Consult the Captain's Diary and translates that the Keys open up somewhere in Barcelona, and the first clue is a Pine Tree, Sully, not happy with the Revelation, Simply asks Nathan to look out the window, Barcelona has a huge Pine forest behind it.
This will not be easy!
And to that Point, Sully introduces Nathan to Chloe, (Sofia Ali) another Associate of his. But When Sully Introduces Nathan she says this....Yes, it's THAT line-read! I have Put the important parts of the line in Caps, so you can see the Stupidity of The Writing!
"Sully doesn't have ANY FRIENDS, I SHOULD KNOW, I'M ONE OF THEM!
So Chloe in the games is your Intel, But here, she gives the other treasure hunters a run for their Money. As She has the Captain's cross. Nathan is taken aback, that Sully would lie like that, especially when given the truth would be better in the long Run, Proving Chloe Right as she walks off,
Not only is she a spy, But also a Wizard, as Somehow, without even so much as putting a hand on Nathan's Drawstring Bag, she has Stolen the Crewsmen Cross. As Nathan chases her, Chloe in a Designer Dress and Hobnail Boots Jumps a railing in front of a crowd and LE PARKOURS Outta there. Not to be outdone, Nathan chases her using his LE PARKOUR!
After a chase seen involving Implied Old man Middle aged Marky Mark, The 2 Men Bumping and stumbling into each other, they should have added the Benny Hill Music and have done with it!
Despite Trudging through water in Knee high Hobnails, Nathan cannot catch Chloe before she gets to her car, Nathan says something that he should have said on the plane, that if the treasure is in Barcelona, they would have picked a more permanent spot than a tree to mark it!
But he does remember Something Moncada said at the Auction, he called the Cross an Alter Cross, They need to find a Church.
A Church in Roman Catholic Spain.
So they find,Sure Enough, the right Church. "Santa Maria de Pina"-Saint Mary's of the Pine-As Chloe asks around, Nathan checks her out, much to Sully's Distrust.
In the Moncada Foundation, Santiago Corners his father on telling the Media, he plans to give away their fortune to Charity, Disgraced that their fortune has being Stained in Blood for Centuries, Since the Moncadas have financed the Conquistadors, the Inquisition and Franco. He leaves his father to Welcome Miss Braddock officially to his company.
We cut to Chloe's Apartment, where she has the keys, the next riddle is how to use the keys:
Trust in your Fellow Man, But Know that one shall Rise to Heaven, while the other shall drop into Hell!"
Chloe asks Sully if Drake, "Knows everything" Especially about Sam, while Nathan has left the room for wine. Moncada Orders Joan to kill his father.
At the Alter, the heroes turn their Keys to nearly get killed by blow darts, Because Sully can't read without his glasses, which he doesn't or hasn't even established that he wears, so they Turn them counterclockwise to reveal a spiral Staircase Ascending and descending Where they stand
After more Bad Banter, Drake and Chloe descend to "Hell" While Sully finds himself in the City, trailed by Joan.
Chloe reveals her Backstory. As a Child she once found a Bronze Statue that was Lost, only for her father to fence it, and Fuck off with The money...Not that it matters, unlike Nathan, she was Born rich and made even more because of it!
As they Venture Further, they see Red and Blue Lights Ahead, they Smash a Partition wall to reveal....
A RAVE SCENE, AS DIRECTED BY OUT-OF-TOUCH FORTY-PLUS YEAR OLD MEN!
Well of Course! The same Out of Touch Geezers who ignored the fandom by casting this movie!
Even here there are Enemies, So the Two Hip young people Strip of their Jackets to lose themselves in a sea of Black T-shirts!, They get to the Bar to order drinks to start a Fiery Distraction and because Of the All Teenagers Are Idiots Trope, they react to the fire, the same way a toddler would to a shiny set of keys! Jumping the bar they see the keystone of the arch behind it has the word Inferno etched on it, The "Hell" they were looking for. As Chloe uses the key to scratch a hole while Nathan fights the Scottish Bodyguard while doing Bartending tricks, Chloe reveals a Dumb waiter, that the heroes jump into to find a Sluice Gate under the Fountain that Sully has found himself at. Chloe turns the key and activated a death trap that causes the content of the fountain to drain down over them.
Sulley finds a Mural with a Keyhole in a bar, covered in Plexiglass and tries to smash it with a chair. When Joan Braddock arrives with a gun. So Sully and Joan have a fight, Sully Disarming her pistol to shoot a hole in the plastic, before slamming her into it, to get to the mural as the others are slowly drowning. He plunges the Key into the mural to open the manhole and close the Sluice.
After Giving Chloe Mouth to Mouth After the water Drains away, Sully Notices A sigil on the Side of the Fountain, which looks like the 2 Crosses Combined Together, Sully Reluctantly throws down his cross down the Gutter, turning the Double Key they enter the room to find not Gold...But 4 Giant Urns, Roman Era, Perfectly Preserved and Untouched for Centuries, Treasures in on themselves....But not what they came for! Nathan Boosts Chloe to peak inside One to see if the gold is inside, only to see Salt, but the Heat of their Bodies after year of Cold Storage, Causes all four Urns to explode into a cloud of Debris and Sodium!
But In the pile of Salt, Nathan finds the next clue, A Age of Discovery Era Map that has an X marked on the East Indies, the modern day Philippines. But Chloe betrays him, even after Saving her miserable life, teases him about how what really happened to his Brother, this gets Nathan to drop his guard and Chloe knocks him out and steals the map.
Sully has made it down to the storeroom, and snaps Drake out of it, who demands Sully to tell the truth for once. Sully tells him that Braddock got the Jump on them when retrieving the Journal, Sam's Dead because Sully left him like the coward he is. And he only hired Nathan because he was convinced Sam gave him a final clue for safe keeping.
Speaking of Braddock, She reports that Chloe Fraser has the Map to Moncada, But He knows this. After all, HE HIRED HER!
DUN DUN DUN!
Chloe is now leading the search with Braddock as her Underling, who looks at Moncada the same way a dog looks at it's owner after being kicked!
Nathan packs with all intention of going back to the USA, with no hope of ever seeing Sam alive again but he will Sully, find the fucking Treasure for him, and get revenge and Sully doesn't even have to give Nathan a cut because he'd probably find a way weasel out of that too!
And So we are Nearly caught up with the events leading to the opening act, as Moncada oversees his men, Equipment and sportscar put in the cargo plane heading for the Philippines. Braddock kills Moncada like she Foreshadowed ages ago, But in her bloodlust ignored the fact Chloe and the map are both missing. In the Cargo bay, Sully and Drake have stowawayed in the boot of the sportscar at the same time the Goon Squad has become a Search Party. Nathan and Sully retrieve a Map, and Parachutes. Nathan Confronts Joan as he holds onto a Jettison Chord on the Cargo.
Despite telling her Men to hold their fire, the chord goes off and that leads to the Events of the opening scene, only we now see Chloe was captured and about to be thrown out and a flare was thrown, turns out it was Chloe who drove the car into Nathan and now arguing like a married Couple, on a descending car's bonnet as they leap frog on crates as they base jump into the Indian Ocean Below!
Floating on a Crate to a resort Island, Nathan's uses the Credit Card He Lifted from Sully, to book a room for him and Chloe.
That night at the hotel room, Nathan Ponders what Victor said about Sam giving Nathan a clue for safe keeping, all he ever gave him was postcards. So he and Chloe try to decipher a puzzle, he tries everything combining the pictures to find a jigsaw, a coded Cipher, counting letters for coordinates, but finds nothing, only for him to remember the invisible ink trick from the second scene.
OH COME ON! LIKE THAT WASN'T YOUR GO TO THE FIRST TIME?
So the message in invisible ink is "The keys are in the Compass". Taking both Crosses jewel to reveal pins, and piercing the two Compass Symbols on the Salt Urn Map, Nathan swings the crosses and the two ends physically touch, the Treasure of Magellan's Eighteen....Is On The Island they find themselves on by accident!
OH THAT IS JUST LAZY WRITING!
He's in two minds on waking Chloe up so he leaves her Map Coordinates, as he falls asleep, but he knew Chloe would fuck off and betray him, so he gave her the wrong directions.
Like any of you are Surprised, in the slightest?
So let's Finish This!
Hiring a Boat, Drake Follows the Map to a sea Cave, Swimming to shore and through its lake, he finds two abandoned Galleons, And on the deck of one, he finds caskets of Spices and Sully who had being trailing him since Spain. Nathan uncovers the false Bottom and gives the gold to Sully, who goes to hug Drake, but Nathan, re-literates That Sully is lower than a snake's belly! Keep your Gold, it won't bring Sam back! Only for Braddock to arrive with orders to her men to kill Sully, Drake, or Frasier on Sight. Finding the upturned Chest, they assume Sully had come to fill his pockets and plans to come back.
But the Ships will not be Here when he comes back!
That's Because Braddock plans to Airlift them by helicopter. Hiding in the bow of one ship, the heroes find 2 blades (Which Sully gives Nathan a dagger, because "HAHA, U SMOL, LOL!") As they have a fight scene knocking over goons over the side In a bout of Sky high Swashbuckling. As Victor takes take out the two pilots, Goading the second ship, that Joan is on, To follow him causing the ships to collide!
Drake Pockets some Gunpowder as Victor causes the ships back on water, the collision causing a cannonball to hit Nathan in the balls!, He has a plan to use it and the gunpowder to down the helicopter manned by Scotty. With all her men dead, and her her ship slowly sinking, Braddock corners Nathan by boarding his ship, Nathan reaches out to Sully for him to save him. Sully's Conscense kicks in, as he had loaded a big sack of treasure for himself, only to use it to distract Braddock who catches it mid air with both hands and falls into sea below, the ship's tethers snap and the Galleon falls, crushing Braddock to death. The Ship sails on its lonesome, before it sinks and before Sully can think of diving for gold, the Coastguard swims into view, no doubt with divers to claim the treasure for the Filipino Government and so the film ends with Nathan and Sulley Flying into the Sunset with all the Gold that Sulley packed into Nathan's pockets when he thought they was still partners. He still wants Sully to have all if it. And his forgiveness! And so we end on the one thing that has made staying til the end bearable!
Sofia Ali in a Bikini!
....oh and some sequel bait that shows Sam is Alive in a Prison somewhere is Ok too!
Speaking off....
THIS FILM IS JUST THAT....OKAY!
Holland does his bare minimum, Wahlberg does his Bare minimum, Bandaras practically Gorges on the scenery, he wants to be The Man with the Golden Gun, So Bad! This film has a writing Credit From Seth Gordon, the guy who directed "Comedies" Horrible Bosses and Identity Theft, so complete Check chasers all the way!
There is good action and heartstopping stunts in stunning vistas likes Barcelona and the Philippines, but the actors seem like they have being given one line of direction and the film just comes off as Indiana Jones without the scale, National Treasure without the charisma of Nick Cage, or as I said previously, yes indeed,
Like Tomb Raider, But with a Dick!
CREDITS
Uncharted was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli) on Twitter.
With media from:
MST3K
Uncharted
Batman Beyond/Batman Of the Future as it was called in Britain!
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE....
A little taster of Good Horror, before my yearly blind dive into the worst the Horror Channel has for Halloween, September sees us spend LAST NIGHT IN SOHO!
And Now the next Chapter of the Sabotage by Sleep Saga, The new Storyline, The Decay of a Dream.
Chapter 1:
Evasive Species.
Despite thrown off Planet Harmonis, Joe-Jack decided to take The challenge set by Eamonn's angry words, 7 Billion Terrans on Earth and he's the only one that can save them, dat were a Bullshit if he ever has heard, so it was, he thought as the Bullet train to Hell returned Earth and to Ireland.
Joe-Jack decided to do just that, he did step up. He would rely on secret Broadcast provided by Peri, who acted as a Double Agent, but she didn't really spring up any news that was obviously evil, just plans to Build Barracks for Heroes on newly Discovered Planets of Human Life, like Harmonis, which As SatanicOstrich, sensed was Fake with Fake People, Not that Peri minded, to life a live fully formed and told to serve was no life, it was like being in a dream, and knowing what to do, without remembering falling asleep. No doubt Sabaru got better creating synthetic life, but why? Why would a Demon make Life, if not to torture it? And why give it Free Will and Emotion? It makes no sense!
Sabaru had being told by her signee from Earth, the one who she poses as his wife, his battles with a Counterpart from another Earth. The SteamPunk Earth 3. Home of the Leader, An Atheist Despot who purged Free Will From Humanity to feed his own ego of conquest, he remembered seeing his counterpart not Fat as he was, but ironically still a glutton with a desire for Power that could not be satiated, he was defeated ironically by his own design. The Leader's greatest Weapons were 2 Bracelets that wielded the power of the Natural World, but when Combined unleashed the "Terror": A Synaptic Bombardment, of all of creation into one's brain, proving that In all the universe, there was no God, only beasts feeding off each other, and the Void and Death. And as soon as the poor vegetable could relearn basic motor commands, he or she would be his slave. But that's when Eamonn using a Worm Hole Generator, opened many holes in the fabric of the universe to use light refraction to spell a word out of the wormholes both had Created, calling his soldiers loyality into question, he baited The Leader to reinforce his power over them by subjecting them again to The Terror! He asked his Soldiers what did they see in their reeducation. And they all replied
"Hope"
He saw that this word was now etched, in the night sky, he could no longer hold complete Dominion over Humanity, so he tried to kill Eamonn, however being a counterpart, Eamonn simply stabbed his own finger and both cried out from the pain, and bleed, it was simple, if one died, both Died. The leader gave up his plans of Conquest but the Hope in the sky still remains,
What a Stroke of faith, to use in the Expansion, Sabaru, thought as soon her Hand, her Cyborg Giant Hand. her Real Hand punched through the "O" of the Hope, a large Black Hole. The First unfurled and from her Palm spaceships shaped like Sycamore seeds propelled towards our planet, what great marketing! Seeds from the Hope has descended to grow in the Earth, Alien Gifts from beyond, and not what they were, in fact.
An Evasive Species!
