A GAME OF TWO HALVES AND NO QUARTER: BUSH LEAGUE HEROES
Eamonn had Returned from Earth secretly celebrating Christmas. but there was no merry-making to be found. Without Eamonn in tow, the Yearly rise of Zombie Tourists at Joe-jack's house was not quelled in October. This led to a big falling out that Eamonn is too involved with a lover and a child and a fake league of Intergalatic heroes.
We open with Said Lover, the Mara called Sabaru. on her planet Harmonis in an office looking at Blueprints and speaking into a crystal Ball with several faces on it. Yes, even magical artifacts have a conference call function.
So I've gone through The books and planning permission and it'll all good. The Planets have bought into my heroes exploits but it's not enough, which is where the Training School and Barracks comes in.
-but you are having trouble convincing the Humans?
-They'll come around, afterall, the feast is only good when you let the meat, Marinate. Correct?
Sabaru, felt a presence.
Gentlemen, I Must go, A very large Bird has flown into my Crosshairs.
"QUE PASA, BITCH?"
Oh Beelzebub! You've come to visit! Let me Guess, "Earth is my Turf, Bitch!" Something like that?
No, Sabaru, We all know we won't be satisfied with just Earth. And whatever your endgame is. I HOPE! you spare Eamonn's feelings after it all comes falling down.
(Mara's eyes Darted as her Fake Smile became a scowl. For the Briefest of Moments, her eyes were purest pitch black, before reverting to Blue.
What is this, Satan? Professional Courtesy? Are we talking Shop? You jealous a former lackey is doing more to instill hope in the universe in one year, when you have underperformed to bring real despair to your backwater planet of hairless apes?
You are making the same mistake, i have always Made! I Underestimate the humans. I underestimated MY human! And by Making him YOUR human, when he Finds out the truth about his "Children" it will break him. And not in a way you want it to happen. Once he has no excuse to hold back, he won't!
I saw him punch His best friend to death to reseal Reality. Killing Eighties Lad, is what lead him to you. I'm warning you, Not as your former General, as your Friend, Drop this! Train real heroes. Settle for this planet. Live a REAL family life. Or keep going down the road your on, Your choice.
MY, MY MY, Beelzebub! what was that Saying again, the road to hell is paved with Good Intentions? Sorry, But being the last of my Kind, Kind of means i want to leave a parting gift to the world and if i die, why not by being surrounded by the ones i love and my own Kind?
"You're own kind, but didn't JUST you say....WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?"
"Oh, well that would be telling, but all i'll say is....watch this space!"
SatanicOstrich Folded his Arms and Bowed his Head in Defeated Thought. and as quick as he entered, the flames Erupted under his feet and he was gone.
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
So Last Month I reviewed a film, I Was Generally surprised by, Badland. Will My second film i bought out of a Bargain Bin prove that that Lightning Strikes Twice? Well Let's Dig into Burnt
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| "BUUURRRRRNT. ZE NU FRRRRRRAAAAGRANSSSSS BY CHRISTIAN DEEE-OR! (WITH APOLOGIES TO FRENCH SPEAKERS EVERYWHERE!) |
Seriously look at this cover, It looks like a Aftershave ad! If you saw this, you would have no idea what the plot of this film was. I said it before and i'll say it again, white backgrounds and headshots are terrible covers. For comics and Dvd's
The Plot is that Adam Jones (Bradley Cooper) was a 2 Michelin Star Chef, who Threw it all away because of drugs and Arrogance.
We open in A tram in New Orleans, where we get over the shoulder view of Adam's day as he narrates. Three years ago, he was a hotshot chef in Paris, until SOMETHING! Happened that made him lose everything. Whatever the SOMETHING! was, it caused his father to kick him out of Paris. And Now he's being working in a dive bar, shucking Oysters til he had prepared 1 million, "As a Penance"
hmmmm!
HEY CHEF RAMSAY!
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| "HEY, BIG BOY! YOU'RE SUCH A BIG TALKER, AREN'T YA? IF YOU PUT AS MUCH ENERGY INTO COOKING AS TALKING, YOU WOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING SHIT!" |
THANK YOU!
So After walking through Stock Footage of New Orleans an Airport and London. He finds himself at a hotel Owned by a man he calls "Lil Tony". We get Dumped Exposistion, turns out the SOMETHING! Was Meth, the Death of a Sous Chef, from said drug, and the abandonment of the daughter of his now dead mentor, who he left pregnant!
Big Tony invites Adam for Breakfast to discuss his plan to take over his hotel's restaurant and gain his 3rd star. As he has Breakfast he wants to me the chef he will be under, i mean over in Helene (Sierra Miller) who thinks he is a dick. you know where this going, right?
Exploring London, He Recognizes a French Sous Chef he screwed over called Michel, he runs when the Black man chases after him and attack him wanting to settle some score.
So it Turns out the Arrogant Dick, off his tits on Crank, filled Michel's restaurant with rats and called the Health Inspector. But he's here to forgive him. Back at the Hotel, Adam's Card has Bounced. So he finds a gullible fanboy called David selling Street food and tricks him into living at his house and being paid 100 pounds a week to give David Lessons. His first lesson is free. Be Arrogant, you are a chef. All Chef's are Arrogant Pricks. You need to cook with Arrogance, so your First meal of the night is as good as your last Meal. He also turn's David's kitchen into a workplace and he and his girlfriend into guinea pigs!
As Adam draws from a notebook of contacts for his takeover as he eats from a a Burger King, Helene arrives after he invited her. She is pretty uppity about the place, thus turns into a big Debate about Food Snobbery, That a 2 Euro Burger has the same cheap cuts of meat in the hotel's €20 cassoulet.
He continues on his Pretentious Tirade, Claiming that Helene hates Burger Joints because they are Consistent, and Consistent meals is like Missionary Sex. She Gets Flustered by this Statement. He claims having a Sense of Danger makes Meals Exciting.
It also Makes Adam a huge Hypocrite. Wasn't he just telling David that being a prick will make him more Consistent?
But never mind the Eventual releasing of Sexual Tension. Adam Asks the Favour of a food Critic/Former lover to stick it to Little Tony.
Simone Forde (Uma Thurman) turns up at the hotel and his kitchen is not up to par, when Tony turns and sees Adam In his whites, the penny drops; this is a setup! Desperate, Tony let's Adam have reign over the kitchen after taste the Grouse and acts like the defeated villains in Food wars!
So Adam wants the Restaurant Tony owns in London before he returns to Paris triumphant. He's building a team, David, who's a greenhorn. Little Tony, who hates him, Michel, who hates him less, Max, a guy who will be out of prison in two days, and Helene, Who Tony is worried that Adam will just bang at the drop of a hat!
Tony however sees through his game, and makes sure Adam takes regular Sobriety tests, the Doctor I'd Emma Thompson and Adam doesn't take the thing seriously
"I've taken so much, it's probably stored in my Ankles"
We meet more side characters, the Chef, Montgomery Reese who thrived after Adam crashed and burned, and the aforementioned Max, who was in jail on an assault charge. Soon Langham hotel will open, Despite Little Tony thinking Adam suffers from some sort of OCD about not having Hellene.
So he convinces Big Tony to fire Helene, So she can work for him!
Naturally, Word that Wolfgang Puckwit has Returned had not gone down well with the restaurant reviewers he didn't bang! And now Reese is here to rub it in! Naturally having a rag-tag team doesn't work out. Making a menu solely on Shock value, no longer cuts it with restaurant goers. So the next week, Adam goes in television to announce that he's Cooking at his restaurant on the house for the public for 2 weeks as Helene and her daughter, Lillie looks on!
Tony finds Helene, who is a single mother doing the school run, he tries to justify that Adam being a orphan is an excuse for him being a Douchebag. Helene Returns, But Tony had to fork out for a Sous-Vis Cooker.
Hoping to curry favour with Joe Soap, Adam Recreate a Menu of Simple Gourmet versions of English recipes, Gaining Adam's first Honest Review in years. Much to Reece's Dismay who smashes his restaurant in a Hissy Fit!
Despite the Review, Adam still believes food has to be filled with Passion and Emotion, Leading to A montage of Helene Slowly but, Obviously, Falling for him.
Now that Adam's comeback is known, The Michelin Reviewers may arrive at anytime. Tony explains how they work. Michelin sends two critics, one will stay at the hotel, the other arrives on foot, that is because the 2nd will drink and the 1st will not. One will order from the tasting menu, the other from the ala carte menu. The duo will pull out every trick in the book. Asking servers their food knowledge, ordering food to avoid an allergy, Asking for something as ridiculous as a jug of tap water, even placing a fork in the floor to see if it's picked up. So Adam wants all staff to work like they are in someone else's body. However the The French Mafia still want their Money from Adam. Helene wants the day off for Lillie's Birthday, but Adam can't lose momentum. So Adam makes a cake to make up, while Helene becomes as abrasive as Adam.
As Adam is giving his Blood sample, The Doctor tells him that Tony told her about how much he's pushing his staff and continues to distance People, Tony is worried after all, Tony is Gay and always had a crush on him for the longest time, something Adam didn't even know. He continues to distance from staff, not joining them for staff dinner.
So here's where I think this scene and the scene where Adam Bakes a cake Are out of order. At Service, Someone Orders a Cake and Adam gets Uppity about that person not being able to read that Sorbet is on the Menu and he's not using his kitchen to make a cake. (Though we see him doing that the last scene). Helene says tells Adam not to call her daughter Stupid! Yes, because Helene was not given the day off for Lillie's Birthday, she bought her here as her birthday treat! So Adam swallows Pride and makes this Rose Piped Victoria Sponge, monstrosity (IT LOOKS LIKE AN OLD WOMAN'S SWIMCAP!) And Lillie gives Adam a piece of her mind for him shouting at her Mammy!
The Next Morning, Tony tells Adam his feelings as well as Monty Reese has invited Adam to his reopening.
Adam arrives with Helene as his plus one. the trap is set as Anne-Marie, Adam's Baby Momma turns up, and Adam is upset she didn't invite him to her father's funeral. Anne tells him he had inherited Her father's Knifes.
Finding Adam upset in a fish market, Helene tells Adam about her ex-husband, and how much she thought they would always be together. Adam tells her about how He, Max, Michel and Monty all started together in Big Tony's Hotel and how they thought the same thing! But they are both the same: Both wanted something so much , the moment they put some control over it, it was gone. They and nearly shag, but Adam would only prove Little Tony Right! But only because the Drug dealers followed him. The next Day at Service, Helene finds Adam Beaten and Bloodied and to make matters worse, A table of 2 gentlemen, had ordered and requested a jug of tap water and the waiter pick up a fork from the floor. The Michelin men have arrived.
So Adam, Angry and Possibly Cooking with a Concussion, Adam is more Belligerent as Usual, Then Disaster happens! The Michelin table have sent back their order for being too spicy.
But then Michel, reveals he put the Cayenne in the dish. He bided his time and got his revenge AT THE WORST possible time! Via Sabotage!
The revelation makes Adam go Laughing Mad. He throws his notebook of contacts into the Thames and Invades the Reece Kitchen, Drunk off his own ass to Insult Monty them tries to Kill himself suffocating himself with the bags for the Sous-vis Cooker! Adam had hit a new low, having his life saved by his enemy
Cooking his rival a Hangover Cure Breakfast, Reece gives him a sobering thought! He is Jealous of him, he cannot comprehend how he is always second fiddle to a S-class Tosspot like Adam Jones. and he figures out why! People gravitate to him because they want him to succeed! That becomes evident when Anne-Marie pays off Adam Drug debt while giving him Jean-Luc's Knifes. At the Hotel Tony has good news. he called Michelin about Michel's Sabotage and turns out They didn't send any inspectors to London, They were two Cheapos who didn't want to pay for extra for drinks! Adam is so happy he Kisses Tony! getting him a little flustered!
And so the Film ends with a montage showing a passage of time, when The Michelin Men do arrive. when he is told, Adam doesn't give his team any new orders because he trusts them. The order is up and we fade to black.
When we return, we see Adam and Tony giggling like schoolgirls until Adam returns to the Kitchen, the only dialogue being David announcing it's lunchtime for the staff and Everyone shocked Adam is here too!
So....did Adam win his 3rd Michelin star or.....what?
OR MAYBE THE MICHELIN STAR IS THE FRIENDS WE MAKE ALONG THE WAY!
So my final thoughts on this film and will use Food Critique parlance here. This film was Agreeable.
First the Pros.
The Director, John Wells, Definitely has an Eye for Film. For the intricate little details of the food and it's preparation. From Sienna deftly making spaghetti from dough, to salad having pomegranate seeds added one-by one with Surgical precision, to Vibrant colours to searing flames. This cinematography is Food Porn. The cast of stars are well supported by actors who are big deals back in France. And Sienna Miller can act, whenever the role requires her to wear clothes!
The Only con is pretty Simple. The Film is Boring! The Characters are one-note, the Script Predictable, the Pacing is Pedestrian. and the End which is up to debate just makes the film Hollow. A Pure 3 star film. By Next year you would have forgotten all about it!
CREDITS
BURNT was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli)
With Media from:
Burnt
Hell's Kitchen
Batman Beyond/Batman of the Future
Star Wars Episode 6: return of the Jedi
Burnt was Distributed by Entertainment In Video. All rights reserved. All media used belong to their respective owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.
WE CRAWL OUT OF THE BARGAIN BIN, AND REVIEW OUR LAST CATCH FROM IT. SOMETHING CALLED TWO NIGHT STAND!
