THIS MONTHS THEME BOYCOTT X-FACTOR 2017
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-43GXLnjTo
Just a heads up-next year's xmas special will be MY LITTLE PONY-THE MOVIE! YOU HAVE A WHOLE YEAR TO BRACE YOURSELVES!
This year we have yet another toy brand dipping it's Technicolored toes into the Celluloid pool. Actually much like DC, this brand had a recent reboot to do housekeeping in its universe, but still had backlash from it's fans
Monster High!
BACKSTORY!
Monsters live among us! Or Rather, they did. Thanks to Human Prejudice and rising Population, Monsters live scattered from others. even themselves. Luckily, a school for monsters to learn how live co-habitable lives with humans has opened.
In real life-Monster high are a range of dolls that started as an off-shoot of the Reviled by many PSA groups dolls, Bratz!
The original dolls were no more than Bratz with pastel coloured skin. The original monster high movies were no better, For a brand that was supposed to be about love, tolerance and finding yourself, most of them devolved into "we're on holidays, lets go shopping!". 2 films even had the plot of high school girls (though they are centuries old, but whatever!) forced into arranged Marriages. The limit was the original film, where monsters are wrongly implicated in a crime! The Chief of police leads a lynch-mob with a gallows in tow. Even when the human yobs confess, the Chief of Police's reaction? "MEH! MONSTERS ARE MONSTERS AND I WANNA HANG SOMETHING!" before being talked and joining in the Everyone Dances Ending like he was not going to commit Murder!
Today is the Reboot. And the Dolls have Gotten Better, according to all the research videos of doll reviews i watched.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4LpwIdZCZ4
The faces are expressive, the busts are reduced and there is a lot of body variation, though a lot of the dolls are leggy! They also have a swimwear set of dolls are not overly sexualised (though given half these girls are dead, it's to avoid Unfortunate Implications) However we now have a recurring villain- possibly the worst villain considering the current Political Environment! But we will get to that later!
The Cover is Colourful and we see a varied group of Monsters-A Vampire, A Frankenstein's Monster, A Gorgon, A goblin, and A Yeti-All recognizable but contemporary at the same time! Though the Vampire and the Frankenstein's Monster are dressed like Trust Fund Babies, although given one is a Countess and the other's "father" is TECHNICALLY a doctor, we will let it slide!
After following some Secondary characters to school, we are shown in flashback what that school was...the ominous Castle Dracul. In it's dusty halls and echoing chambers lives Dracula..uara, Dracula's 16(00) year old daughter, despite being sheltered all her life (and afterlife!) Laura (to save time!) is like any other girl her age (divided by 100!) Her family name and wealth has meant Draculaura can want for nothing...except she is all alone...also Monsters in the Monster High universe are an analogy for something else, Laura is quite small, because Vampire's drink blood because of Iron deficiency, which is why Laura carries a small supply, Meaning the Sun doesn't kill her, it just hurts her a little! (according to the diary that came with the G1 doll-but not explained in film! Given she goes to Egypt, Greece and Oz in the middle of the day and is not hand-waved by this fact!) However, it may be because of this why Vlad is so protective, given that all the mythos is played straight and there is no sign of a Countess Dracula-but again Unfortunate Implications for those who seeing any decent Dracula film and learned what happened to Elisabeth Dracul!
One night Laura decides to fly into town as a bat. though her father is worried about her using her powers for the 1st time! a few Pratfalls and involuntary Shapeshifting, Vlad himself transforms in a moment reminiscent of a baby's first steps. flying into town, Laura gets distracted by a poster for a concert by a Pop star called Tash. Naturally the daughter begs the count for her to go! Laura get frustrated by her overprotective Father who harps on about being seen, but something did see her...with a pair of diochromatic eyes!
So despite being 16 centeries old, Laura has a handle on mobiles, mp3s and Vlogs on with no followers. Vlad the dad comes in when there is a knock on the door. peeking through Laura sees a pair of Diochromatic eyes and its owner...Frankie Stein!
Frankie Stein is the Adoptive "Daughter" of the Drs Frankenstein. (a mother and father!). If we are playing the mythos straight then wouldn't her name be "Eve"? since Victor Frankenstein himself referred to this creation as "his first, his Adam" As for personality Frankie is somewhat gullible as she was LITERALLY! "born yesterday!"
So the ghouls hang out and share their dreams of making a place for monsters and humans to hang out. Their idea?
Walking though the moor, the ghouls stumble on a family of werewolves, one with lots of children.
The oldest sibling Clawdeen, agrees to help with convincing Count Dracula to found a school. Vlad is not impressed when 15 werewolf pups turn up but then he meets Clawdeen's mother!
So with help-The Dracul Family have renovated the Castle into a colourful Day-Glo Daydream. Clawdeen launches Draculaura's vlog on the separate Monster-Web, Soon Word of Monster High Spreads Fast. So Vlad gives the girls a Talisman (one shaped like the brand logo, because MARKETING!) that can teleport anywhere to collect the monsters unseen by humans. First is Cleo Denile, The Rich bitch part of Rarity of the group, an Egyptian Mummy with Prehensile Control of her Bandages. Despite the school not being the High Maintenance Life she was use to, she is glad to be out of her tomb, we Get a Montage of the other students, A sea Monster, A Forest Sprite, A gorgon, The Blob, A yeti, 2 Sketetons, A mandrake, very soon 10 becomes 30 and Dracula and Mrs Wolfe become Teachers. Mrs Wolf is teaching an Art class, Though Clawdeen would rather design clothes. During Lunchtime the Girls observe that it's chaos between classes so Frankie and Laura plan to co-run as student body president, Laura promising that Tash will perform at the school dance, Which gets Dracula, now the headmaster, very angry with her daughter!
That night The Girls (along with Cleo and the Sea Monster Surfer Chick, Lagoona who will act has the main's Rainbow Dash!) Teleport into a Graveyard. The 5 main Ghoul-friends meet the reboot's new permanent villain, Moanica DeKeigh, a Mexican Zombie who Controls An Army of Olive skinned Catholic Schoolboys and Undead Latino Gangbangers! Moanica herself has a Victim Complex.
I am going to do something different now, recently I have discovered the Roast Videos of Berlezey And Stondie so I'm to do a little Pastiche of them right now
Moanica, I'm Sorry But I gotta roast ya!
LOOK AT DAT HAIR!
LOOK AT YOU, TRYIN' SO HARD TO LOOK LIKE ARIANA GRANDE IN FOCUS!
STUPID ASS, PURPLE AND GREEN HAIR LOOKING ASS, LOOKING LIKE A WAD OF BRUISER TOFFEE!
GIRL, WHAT IS YOU WEARING? WITH YOUR FAKE ASS CAMO JACKET, CHE GUEVARA SHIRT, AND JEGGINGS COMBO. LIKE YOU GONNA PICKET THE FOX NEWS BUILDING ABOUT HIDDEN BIAS IN THE MEDIA!
SPEAKIN' OF YOUR JEGGINGS, DAT FABRIC THOUGH!
THEY IS THIN AS FUCK FOR YO THICK LEGS!
YOU CAN BLOW YA NOSE ON DAT FABRIC!
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GO CLOTHES SHOPPING IN CHARITY SHOPS AND THE CHURCHES SHOE PROGRAM!
SPEAKING OF SHOES..........
WHAT! ARE! THOOOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW YOU UNDEAD, SO DON'T HAVE BLOOD FOR THE CIRCULATION TO BE CUT OFF,
BUT GODDAM!
THOSE GOTTA BE UNCOMFORTABLE!
YOU TALKING LIKE YOU HARD DONE BY
BITCH YOU NEEDZ YOUR ASS WHOOPED YESTERDAY,
SHAKE MY HEAD!
STRAIGHT UP GAAAARRRRRRBBBB-AGE!
(AHEM!)
SO ANYWAY!
Quicker than you can say "LOVE AND TOLERANCE, MY ASS!" the 5 mains beat the embalming fluid out of the Zomboys. So Moanica plans enroll, win the student council presidential and recruit an army to attack Mankind. You see Moanica is bitter that White Americ...i mean the Living have forgotten the Projec...I mean the Dead, and now new housing is being built whilst the graveyard is in disrepair, despite them "Being Here First" and she will remind these people...by force if she has too!
With the extra man power, it's not long before Moanica and her Ghoulish Gangerbangers have turned the school against Laura and Frankie. In Vlad's Human Study classes, Moanica is disgusted by Vlad's lessons on Co-habitation, so she devises a plan. The Blob has being put on a diet to kerb his appetite, so Moanica unleashes him on an unsuspecting town.
The Next day it's the final Speech for Class Presidency. And Moanica speech is Practically inciting Violence and civil Disobedience. When Moanica goads Laura into confronting Tash herself. She and the other mains do, staging a bus breakdown. Laura flies to her window as a bat and transforms in front of Tash, which causes the popstar to scream!
The Blob is caught eating all the food in town. This and Laura's stunt as now made the whole school fear for it's safety
...But turns out Laura and Frankie Won the election on the cusp of The Blob returning the food to town.
The Only Election in 2016 America where Common Sense Prevailed!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMdmPZ4Xk1w
So in Anger Moanica Kidnaps Tash as the girls do what we expected them to do from minute one of this film-SCHILL MERCHANDISING!, As Clawdeen's prom dresses are finally finished.
So let's finish this and 2017!
Moanica and zomboys crash prom with a kidnapped Tash as their prisoner, with Moanica's intention to zombify the Pop-star, the d-list characters deal with the zomboys and Laura uses her bat form eco location to accidentally knock Moanica off the stage. What? Is Laura a POKEYMAN, TOO? WITH WEAPONIZED SONAR?
So Moanica gets up and Charges at Tash...and goes straight through her! Tash screamed at Laura the other day because she was shocked to see OTHER monsters....LIKE HER! Tash reveals her real name is Ari Hauntington, a ghost!
And now the Unfortunate Implications of this twist ending!
Given that all Mythos and Legends are played straight with this Universe, That means not only Does that mean Ari's parents and all those of her music label who personally work with her knows she's dead, But they also covered up her death! And she is a ghost. What do we know about conventional storytelling about ghosts? well the common thing regardless of where you come from and what culture you draw inspiration from, ghosts are spirits with "unfinished Business".
SOMEONE MURDERED THIS POOR GIRL!
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT!
Not only is this a dead girl, she is a Dead FAMOUS Girl! Laura herself said in the beginning that Tash "Is the most Famous Popstar in the Normie (Human) World" And now she is enrolling in a school? PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND HER! and when they do they will be exposed to the truth!
Anyway never mind common sense, Ari is forgiven for her reaction, Moanica runs off (possibly mumbling something about "51/50!") And we have a Big Song to finish, so...
THIS FILM DOESN'T SUCK...BUT I'VE SEEN BETTER!
Despite the Unfortunate Implications of a Latino Extremist becoming the enemy of the friends of a Wealthy European Noble, and the cover-up of the death of the biggest star on the planet, this is a pretty solid reboot that fleshes out some personality to the main character-which is now Laura not Frankie! The Animation is scaled up (thanks in part to a limited release in cinemas!), However the story's resemblance to Hotel Transylvania can't be ignored and the jokes seem..safe, like they weren't going to explore any macabre issues to draw a laugh!
But you know what? You could do a whole lot worse if you buy this for your kids!
CREDITS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-43GXLnjTo
Just a heads up-next year's xmas special will be MY LITTLE PONY-THE MOVIE! YOU HAVE A WHOLE YEAR TO BRACE YOURSELVES!
This year we have yet another toy brand dipping it's Technicolored toes into the Celluloid pool. Actually much like DC, this brand had a recent reboot to do housekeeping in its universe, but still had backlash from it's fans
Monster High!
BACKSTORY!
Monsters live among us! Or Rather, they did. Thanks to Human Prejudice and rising Population, Monsters live scattered from others. even themselves. Luckily, a school for monsters to learn how live co-habitable lives with humans has opened.
In real life-Monster high are a range of dolls that started as an off-shoot of the Reviled by many PSA groups dolls, Bratz!
The original dolls were no more than Bratz with pastel coloured skin. The original monster high movies were no better, For a brand that was supposed to be about love, tolerance and finding yourself, most of them devolved into "we're on holidays, lets go shopping!". 2 films even had the plot of high school girls (though they are centuries old, but whatever!) forced into arranged Marriages. The limit was the original film, where monsters are wrongly implicated in a crime! The Chief of police leads a lynch-mob with a gallows in tow. Even when the human yobs confess, the Chief of Police's reaction? "MEH! MONSTERS ARE MONSTERS AND I WANNA HANG SOMETHING!" before being talked and joining in the Everyone Dances Ending like he was not going to commit Murder!
Today is the Reboot. And the Dolls have Gotten Better, according to all the research videos of doll reviews i watched.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4LpwIdZCZ4
The faces are expressive, the busts are reduced and there is a lot of body variation, though a lot of the dolls are leggy! They also have a swimwear set of dolls are not overly sexualised (though given half these girls are dead, it's to avoid Unfortunate Implications) However we now have a recurring villain- possibly the worst villain considering the current Political Environment! But we will get to that later!
The Cover is Colourful and we see a varied group of Monsters-A Vampire, A Frankenstein's Monster, A Gorgon, A goblin, and A Yeti-All recognizable but contemporary at the same time! Though the Vampire and the Frankenstein's Monster are dressed like Trust Fund Babies, although given one is a Countess and the other's "father" is TECHNICALLY a doctor, we will let it slide!
After following some Secondary characters to school, we are shown in flashback what that school was...the ominous Castle Dracul. In it's dusty halls and echoing chambers lives Dracula..uara, Dracula's 16(00) year old daughter, despite being sheltered all her life (and afterlife!) Laura (to save time!) is like any other girl her age (divided by 100!) Her family name and wealth has meant Draculaura can want for nothing...except she is all alone...also Monsters in the Monster High universe are an analogy for something else, Laura is quite small, because Vampire's drink blood because of Iron deficiency, which is why Laura carries a small supply, Meaning the Sun doesn't kill her, it just hurts her a little! (according to the diary that came with the G1 doll-but not explained in film! Given she goes to Egypt, Greece and Oz in the middle of the day and is not hand-waved by this fact!) However, it may be because of this why Vlad is so protective, given that all the mythos is played straight and there is no sign of a Countess Dracula-but again Unfortunate Implications for those who seeing any decent Dracula film and learned what happened to Elisabeth Dracul!
One night Laura decides to fly into town as a bat. though her father is worried about her using her powers for the 1st time! a few Pratfalls and involuntary Shapeshifting, Vlad himself transforms in a moment reminiscent of a baby's first steps. flying into town, Laura gets distracted by a poster for a concert by a Pop star called Tash. Naturally the daughter begs the count for her to go! Laura get frustrated by her overprotective Father who harps on about being seen, but something did see her...with a pair of diochromatic eyes!
So despite being 16 centeries old, Laura has a handle on mobiles, mp3s and Vlogs on with no followers. Vlad the dad comes in when there is a knock on the door. peeking through Laura sees a pair of Diochromatic eyes and its owner...Frankie Stein!
Frankie Stein is the Adoptive "Daughter" of the Drs Frankenstein. (a mother and father!). If we are playing the mythos straight then wouldn't her name be "Eve"? since Victor Frankenstein himself referred to this creation as "his first, his Adam" As for personality Frankie is somewhat gullible as she was LITERALLY! "born yesterday!"
So the ghouls hang out and share their dreams of making a place for monsters and humans to hang out. Their idea?
 |
| Turn Castle Dracul into a hotel...i mean a school! Also I'm not reviewing this! doing 2 SANDLER FILMS! is bad for my mental wellbeing, BECAUSE SANDLER FILM! |
 |
| OH THAT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT OTHER FILM(!) |
So with help-The Dracul Family have renovated the Castle into a colourful Day-Glo Daydream. Clawdeen launches Draculaura's vlog on the separate Monster-Web, Soon Word of Monster High Spreads Fast. So Vlad gives the girls a Talisman (one shaped like the brand logo, because MARKETING!) that can teleport anywhere to collect the monsters unseen by humans. First is Cleo Denile, The Rich bitch part of Rarity of the group, an Egyptian Mummy with Prehensile Control of her Bandages. Despite the school not being the High Maintenance Life she was use to, she is glad to be out of her tomb, we Get a Montage of the other students, A sea Monster, A Forest Sprite, A gorgon, The Blob, A yeti, 2 Sketetons, A mandrake, very soon 10 becomes 30 and Dracula and Mrs Wolfe become Teachers. Mrs Wolf is teaching an Art class, Though Clawdeen would rather design clothes. During Lunchtime the Girls observe that it's chaos between classes so Frankie and Laura plan to co-run as student body president, Laura promising that Tash will perform at the school dance, Which gets Dracula, now the headmaster, very angry with her daughter!
That night The Girls (along with Cleo and the Sea Monster Surfer Chick, Lagoona who will act has the main's Rainbow Dash!) Teleport into a Graveyard. The 5 main Ghoul-friends meet the reboot's new permanent villain, Moanica DeKeigh, a Mexican Zombie who Controls An Army of Olive skinned Catholic Schoolboys and Undead Latino Gangbangers! Moanica herself has a Victim Complex.
I am going to do something different now, recently I have discovered the Roast Videos of Berlezey And Stondie so I'm to do a little Pastiche of them right now
Moanica, I'm Sorry But I gotta roast ya!
LOOK AT DAT HAIR!
LOOK AT YOU, TRYIN' SO HARD TO LOOK LIKE ARIANA GRANDE IN FOCUS!
STUPID ASS, PURPLE AND GREEN HAIR LOOKING ASS, LOOKING LIKE A WAD OF BRUISER TOFFEE!
GIRL, WHAT IS YOU WEARING? WITH YOUR FAKE ASS CAMO JACKET, CHE GUEVARA SHIRT, AND JEGGINGS COMBO. LIKE YOU GONNA PICKET THE FOX NEWS BUILDING ABOUT HIDDEN BIAS IN THE MEDIA!
SPEAKIN' OF YOUR JEGGINGS, DAT FABRIC THOUGH!
THEY IS THIN AS FUCK FOR YO THICK LEGS!
YOU CAN BLOW YA NOSE ON DAT FABRIC!
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GO CLOTHES SHOPPING IN CHARITY SHOPS AND THE CHURCHES SHOE PROGRAM!
SPEAKING OF SHOES..........
WHAT! ARE! THOOOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW YOU UNDEAD, SO DON'T HAVE BLOOD FOR THE CIRCULATION TO BE CUT OFF,
BUT GODDAM!
THOSE GOTTA BE UNCOMFORTABLE!
YOU TALKING LIKE YOU HARD DONE BY
BITCH YOU NEEDZ YOUR ASS WHOOPED YESTERDAY,
SHAKE MY HEAD!
STRAIGHT UP GAAAARRRRRRBBBB-AGE!
(AHEM!)
SO ANYWAY!
Quicker than you can say "LOVE AND TOLERANCE, MY ASS!" the 5 mains beat the embalming fluid out of the Zomboys. So Moanica plans enroll, win the student council presidential and recruit an army to attack Mankind. You see Moanica is bitter that White Americ...i mean the Living have forgotten the Projec...I mean the Dead, and now new housing is being built whilst the graveyard is in disrepair, despite them "Being Here First" and she will remind these people...by force if she has too!
With the extra man power, it's not long before Moanica and her Ghoulish Gangerbangers have turned the school against Laura and Frankie. In Vlad's Human Study classes, Moanica is disgusted by Vlad's lessons on Co-habitation, so she devises a plan. The Blob has being put on a diet to kerb his appetite, so Moanica unleashes him on an unsuspecting town.
The Next day it's the final Speech for Class Presidency. And Moanica speech is Practically inciting Violence and civil Disobedience. When Moanica goads Laura into confronting Tash herself. She and the other mains do, staging a bus breakdown. Laura flies to her window as a bat and transforms in front of Tash, which causes the popstar to scream!
The Blob is caught eating all the food in town. This and Laura's stunt as now made the whole school fear for it's safety
...But turns out Laura and Frankie Won the election on the cusp of The Blob returning the food to town.
The Only Election in 2016 America where Common Sense Prevailed!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMdmPZ4Xk1w
So in Anger Moanica Kidnaps Tash as the girls do what we expected them to do from minute one of this film-SCHILL MERCHANDISING!, As Clawdeen's prom dresses are finally finished.
So let's finish this and 2017!
Moanica and zomboys crash prom with a kidnapped Tash as their prisoner, with Moanica's intention to zombify the Pop-star, the d-list characters deal with the zomboys and Laura uses her bat form eco location to accidentally knock Moanica off the stage. What? Is Laura a POKEYMAN, TOO? WITH WEAPONIZED SONAR?
So Moanica gets up and Charges at Tash...and goes straight through her! Tash screamed at Laura the other day because she was shocked to see OTHER monsters....LIKE HER! Tash reveals her real name is Ari Hauntington, a ghost!
And now the Unfortunate Implications of this twist ending!
Given that all Mythos and Legends are played straight with this Universe, That means not only Does that mean Ari's parents and all those of her music label who personally work with her knows she's dead, But they also covered up her death! And she is a ghost. What do we know about conventional storytelling about ghosts? well the common thing regardless of where you come from and what culture you draw inspiration from, ghosts are spirits with "unfinished Business".
SOMEONE MURDERED THIS POOR GIRL!
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT!
Not only is this a dead girl, she is a Dead FAMOUS Girl! Laura herself said in the beginning that Tash "Is the most Famous Popstar in the Normie (Human) World" And now she is enrolling in a school? PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND HER! and when they do they will be exposed to the truth!
Anyway never mind common sense, Ari is forgiven for her reaction, Moanica runs off (possibly mumbling something about "51/50!") And we have a Big Song to finish, so...
THIS FILM DOESN'T SUCK...BUT I'VE SEEN BETTER!
Despite the Unfortunate Implications of a Latino Extremist becoming the enemy of the friends of a Wealthy European Noble, and the cover-up of the death of the biggest star on the planet, this is a pretty solid reboot that fleshes out some personality to the main character-which is now Laura not Frankie! The Animation is scaled up (thanks in part to a limited release in cinemas!), However the story's resemblance to Hotel Transylvania can't be ignored and the jokes seem..safe, like they weren't going to explore any macabre issues to draw a laugh!
But you know what? You could do a whole lot worse if you buy this for your kids!
 |
| THEY WILL HATE YOU FOREVER! |
Welcome to Monster High was reviewed, compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With Media from:
Blue Duckie
South Park
Monster High
Star Trek: the next Generation
Hotel Transylvania
Deshawn Raw- Rap Battle Parody
eSurance
Dinosaur Adventure
Emoji Movie!
AND Music from the Retrobot "Christmas Robot"
Monster High is Property of Mattel.
Welcome to Monster High was produced and distributed by Universal Studios!
Welcome to Monster High was produced and distributed by Universal Studios!
NEXT MONTH:
ONE OF MY FAVOURITE DIRECTOR'S MOVIES CHECKS IN TO BOGGER BOX OFFICE...BUT WILL WES ANDERSON'S THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL GET 5 STARS? FIND OUT IN 2018!
(MEANWHILE ON THE RIVER BANK...An old farmer is with his grandchildren, warning them between tweets and dms not to go near the water. when they protest that are not dumb enough to fall into the water if they are not moving towards it...that is when they find a body of young girl in summer dress clutching summer flowers...the children are smart enough to find that something is amiss... until the corpse opening it's flaming eyes!
NNNNNNOOOO-ONE WILL BE'WEVE UUUU!!!!! THEY WILL THINK U R A STOOPID KID LIKE ME-EEEEE!!!!!!! HIDE AND SEEK LITTLE ONES! RUN!
TO BE CONTINUED....)
