(We Open to a Dogfight in the planet's atmosphere, Biplanes augmented to be space-worthy flitted around it's bigger target...expelling it's machine gun pellets at the enemy!...but this is no plane they are firing at their target is the Express Train to Hell! AND OUR HEROES VECHILE IS TAKING HEAVY DAMAGE! As they try desperately to reach The Leader's Skybase!
Inside, the Brunt of the Onslaught has made our heroes Turn on each other, Elephant in the room is driving!
We can't shake them!
-Can't dis Ting go Fas'er?
-Well Despite this being a magical train that can fly and turn corners, IT'S STILL GOING TO HANDLE LIKE A CHUFFIN' TRAIN!
-FUCK THIS FOR NOISE, MANG! GIMME THEM CONTROLS! WE ARE GOING TO RAM THIS M'FR OUT OF THE MOTHERFREAKING SKY! AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
(Record Skip sound and freeze frame)
I bet you are wondering what happened? Well It Only started, a week ago after finishing Ella Enchanted, Eamonn's Blood pressure had finally went down, When Elephant appeared!
" What did I say this time?"
YOU GOT TO HELP ME! THE LEADER IS GOING FOR IT? NONE OF US ARE SAFE!
"IT? US? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Turns out Elephant In the Room is one of many Cosmic Entity, basically beings that shaped the entire single destiny of single being, of every single world, in every single time line! They Reside in Actual Forge Of Infinity, And now the Leader Plans to take this world bending power for his selfish needs! not knowing that if the Cosmic Entities Die! All of Reality will tear!
So to pass the time, we have the 1st part of the grindhouse extraganza , Three tickets to hell! This year we return to the bargain Bin with 3 films that cost 3 euro all together. A film that looks like a failed Jim Carrey Vehicle that starts Dave Sheridan ,the man who's entire career is standing in for Jim Carrey! as he plays the SRS BSNSS! Claims Insurer, Frank McKlusky!
In 1973, Frank jr was the 4 year old son of Mad Dog McKluskie, the world's worst stuntman! After his drunk pit crew drank his petrol and replaced it lighter fluid, Mad Dog only rides 6 inches before exploding! Stiffed by Rosen-Gold and Rosen-Gold, an Evil Insurance Company of Evil headed by "twin brothers" (One black and one white) the reality of not being to pay his father's medicial bills has made frank's mother raise her son into the most safety Conscious wimp on the planet, with his father still a vegetable, Frank had made it his mission to be the best claims investigator he can be, even it make him the butt of everyone's jokes! After an Embarrassing Incident where many wheelchair users are hurt and Hanson are electrocuted on stage (FUCK CONTEXT!) His partner, Jim is upset by the caper, so he goes over his tapes and sees something that gets him killed,...in the most embarrassing way possible, You see, Jim is only mondo fat man in this film, so his death is made to look like a "fat man suicide", drowning because he tried to eat his goldfish, because fat people would eat anything, because they are fat! And it seems the police don't care, especially when said po-po are George "Joke Stealing Hack" Lopez and the cop in Deuce Bigelow who was obsessed with the size of his penis, Frank goes it alone to find Jim's Killer!
It's at this time, Frank's Chinese food gives him diarrhea. This was important to the plot because, stuck in the toilet bowl was a video tape,
Said Video Tape was that of Priscilla Queen of the Dessert, No wanting to see if the tape had a message recorded over it, because Frank was oblivious that Jim was Gay (a running joke that Jim was blatantly gay, and even had sex in front of him!) It get's worse, the Rosen-Golds have bought Conglomerate Insurance , Because of the assault on Wheelchair Guy, The "Twins" have issued a restraining order on Frank, but Frank is promoted to Senior Investigator, with a Hot Chick With Low Standards love interest as his new partner.
Yeah Chick, You might as well just get "Kidnap Me!" tattooed on ya forehead already!
In Promising Jimmy to find his killer, Frank has become a Master of Disguise, much like his partner was. One Worse that Pistachio Disguisey, if that was ever possible! It means Frank must do the impossible, not wear a helmet!
Still Thinking Wheelchair guy is part of the Conspiracy, Frank disguises himself as handicapable to get him to walk...by dropping him from a height again!
It doing take Sherlock holmes to tell Not-Carrey to check Jim's files, there under his jam donut stash, is a requisite for a gymnast. Going to the Staple Centre in L.A. disguised as a Janitor, he finds the Gynmast, Ivanka, but is beaten up by a Steroid and Testosterone Abusing gymnast, Until a a tv falls over her her head, glass first!
No wonder this film is bogus! It has Brain Damage!
Stealing her Leotard, McKluskie does a floor routine to get close to Ivanka, But with Romania losing, Ivanka will only tell Frank what she knows If Frank Wins for her Team.
With a 1 point Margin, Romania narrowly beats America. Ivanka tells Frank she took out a Professional Injury Policy, since she is an Olympic Hopeful. Thinking all those close to Jim is at risk, Frank and Sharon tail their work friend (and Jim's secret lover) Herb to a gay-bar. Showing the Requisite, Herb points out the Jelly Donut stain as dried enough to reveal the real code to RIGHT! client on the requisite. Wahtever Herb Knows it was enough to get himself killed in the next scene. Meaning us having to see Jim Sheridan's grody Ballbag in a leotard was...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go5wle3_G5k
The correct code brings him to Epson Downs, where he learns the client was a jockey who was injured but was murdered 2 days before the insurance paid out! Watching Jim's tape of Priscillia proves Wheelchair Guy is a fake. Dressed as Mr T. (FUCK CONTEXT!) A roof Top chase only brings up Frank's Overcautious personality. Despite proving Wheelchair guy is a fake, Frank has gone back on the restraining order and Mr Glasky! (Sawyer Sweeton) has no choice but to fire Frank!
With the help of Frank's abhorrent admirer Frieda (The Late Joanie "Chyna" Laurer) help he learns that Jimenez was murdered in a coverup to kill all of the conglomerate's Celebrity Clients for Notoriety. Watching Celebrity Bigtop, The film's running joke/Obsession with Scoot Baio has made Frank realise that he's on the list of professional injury clients, meaning he will be the next target for the killer!....and that's when something mondo Bizzaro happens!)
YES THANKS EDWIN, I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE!
It's here that this dvd that i just unwrapped from it's foil at time of writing the draft of this review, dies on me. And that is just typical of the Legacy of this film! it was pulled from cinemas, it has no spoiler page on Wiki or tv tropes, If you want to watch it on Youtube, Think again, this film had made so much negative equity that you have PAY YOUTUBE! to watch this!
THIS FILM SUCKS SO MUCH, THE DVD BECAME SELF AWARE!
...Not that couldn't figure out what happens next, Frank tails the killer to the circus possiblity does circus hijinks to capture the clown killer, seriously hurting the celebrity in this scene badly, revealing the killer to Glasky. and filling ending with a Married with Kids/HERE WE GO AGAIN! Ending that films like this usually have!
Not-Carrey is no Jim Carrey, The plot is stupid, Minorities are given the middle finger, And even if I could tell you how it really ends! it would not be satisfying considered what he had to go through!
The tag line to Frank McKluskie, C.I. is "ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN!" YOU'RE DAHM FUCKING STRAIGHT!
KABBOOOOOOM!
WHAT WAS THAT?
WE GOT HIT! WE ARE HURTLING FAST TOWARDS THE SKYSHIP!
(We were then hit by a force like a sonic boom emitting from the Blimp, whatever we were hit with made the entire train hurl towards the now open wormhole like a magnet. inside the force had took us off out feet. Despite our best efforts, Joe-jack and Yusef tried to hold on but the temporal winds blew them out of a gaping hole and into the maelstrom that is all of space and time....Oracle's tears were lost in the sound of crushing pressure of existance!
END OF PART 1!
JOIN US ON PART 2 VERY SOON AS ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HOSTS PART 2!
JOE JACK REVIEWS DISNEY ROVING MARS!
Inside, the Brunt of the Onslaught has made our heroes Turn on each other, Elephant in the room is driving!
We can't shake them!
-Can't dis Ting go Fas'er?
-Well Despite this being a magical train that can fly and turn corners, IT'S STILL GOING TO HANDLE LIKE A CHUFFIN' TRAIN!
-FUCK THIS FOR NOISE, MANG! GIMME THEM CONTROLS! WE ARE GOING TO RAM THIS M'FR OUT OF THE MOTHERFREAKING SKY! AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
(Record Skip sound and freeze frame)
I bet you are wondering what happened? Well It Only started, a week ago after finishing Ella Enchanted, Eamonn's Blood pressure had finally went down, When Elephant appeared!
" What did I say this time?"
YOU GOT TO HELP ME! THE LEADER IS GOING FOR IT? NONE OF US ARE SAFE!
"IT? US? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Turns out Elephant In the Room is one of many Cosmic Entity, basically beings that shaped the entire single destiny of single being, of every single world, in every single time line! They Reside in Actual Forge Of Infinity, And now the Leader Plans to take this world bending power for his selfish needs! not knowing that if the Cosmic Entities Die! All of Reality will tear!
So to pass the time, we have the 1st part of the grindhouse extraganza , Three tickets to hell! This year we return to the bargain Bin with 3 films that cost 3 euro all together. A film that looks like a failed Jim Carrey Vehicle that starts Dave Sheridan ,the man who's entire career is standing in for Jim Carrey! as he plays the SRS BSNSS! Claims Insurer, Frank McKlusky!
In 1973, Frank jr was the 4 year old son of Mad Dog McKluskie, the world's worst stuntman! After his drunk pit crew drank his petrol and replaced it lighter fluid, Mad Dog only rides 6 inches before exploding! Stiffed by Rosen-Gold and Rosen-Gold, an Evil Insurance Company of Evil headed by "twin brothers" (One black and one white) the reality of not being to pay his father's medicial bills has made frank's mother raise her son into the most safety Conscious wimp on the planet, with his father still a vegetable, Frank had made it his mission to be the best claims investigator he can be, even it make him the butt of everyone's jokes! After an Embarrassing Incident where many wheelchair users are hurt and Hanson are electrocuted on stage (FUCK CONTEXT!) His partner, Jim is upset by the caper, so he goes over his tapes and sees something that gets him killed,...in the most embarrassing way possible, You see, Jim is only mondo fat man in this film, so his death is made to look like a "fat man suicide", drowning because he tried to eat his goldfish, because fat people would eat anything, because they are fat! And it seems the police don't care, especially when said po-po are George "Joke Stealing Hack" Lopez and the cop in Deuce Bigelow who was obsessed with the size of his penis, Frank goes it alone to find Jim's Killer!
It's at this time, Frank's Chinese food gives him diarrhea. This was important to the plot because, stuck in the toilet bowl was a video tape,
Said Video Tape was that of Priscilla Queen of the Dessert, No wanting to see if the tape had a message recorded over it, because Frank was oblivious that Jim was Gay (a running joke that Jim was blatantly gay, and even had sex in front of him!) It get's worse, the Rosen-Golds have bought Conglomerate Insurance , Because of the assault on Wheelchair Guy, The "Twins" have issued a restraining order on Frank, but Frank is promoted to Senior Investigator, with a Hot Chick With Low Standards love interest as his new partner.
Yeah Chick, You might as well just get "Kidnap Me!" tattooed on ya forehead already!
In Promising Jimmy to find his killer, Frank has become a Master of Disguise, much like his partner was. One Worse that Pistachio Disguisey, if that was ever possible! It means Frank must do the impossible, not wear a helmet!
Still Thinking Wheelchair guy is part of the Conspiracy, Frank disguises himself as handicapable to get him to walk...by dropping him from a height again!
It doing take Sherlock holmes to tell Not-Carrey to check Jim's files, there under his jam donut stash, is a requisite for a gymnast. Going to the Staple Centre in L.A. disguised as a Janitor, he finds the Gynmast, Ivanka, but is beaten up by a Steroid and Testosterone Abusing gymnast, Until a a tv falls over her her head, glass first!
No wonder this film is bogus! It has Brain Damage!
Stealing her Leotard, McKluskie does a floor routine to get close to Ivanka, But with Romania losing, Ivanka will only tell Frank what she knows If Frank Wins for her Team.
With a 1 point Margin, Romania narrowly beats America. Ivanka tells Frank she took out a Professional Injury Policy, since she is an Olympic Hopeful. Thinking all those close to Jim is at risk, Frank and Sharon tail their work friend (and Jim's secret lover) Herb to a gay-bar. Showing the Requisite, Herb points out the Jelly Donut stain as dried enough to reveal the real code to RIGHT! client on the requisite. Wahtever Herb Knows it was enough to get himself killed in the next scene. Meaning us having to see Jim Sheridan's grody Ballbag in a leotard was...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go5wle3_G5k
The correct code brings him to Epson Downs, where he learns the client was a jockey who was injured but was murdered 2 days before the insurance paid out! Watching Jim's tape of Priscillia proves Wheelchair Guy is a fake. Dressed as Mr T. (FUCK CONTEXT!) A roof Top chase only brings up Frank's Overcautious personality. Despite proving Wheelchair guy is a fake, Frank has gone back on the restraining order and Mr Glasky! (Sawyer Sweeton) has no choice but to fire Frank!
With the help of Frank's abhorrent admirer Frieda (The Late Joanie "Chyna" Laurer) help he learns that Jimenez was murdered in a coverup to kill all of the conglomerate's Celebrity Clients for Notoriety. Watching Celebrity Bigtop, The film's running joke/Obsession with Scoot Baio has made Frank realise that he's on the list of professional injury clients, meaning he will be the next target for the killer!....and that's when something mondo Bizzaro happens!)
YES THANKS EDWIN, I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE!
It's here that this dvd that i just unwrapped from it's foil at time of writing the draft of this review, dies on me. And that is just typical of the Legacy of this film! it was pulled from cinemas, it has no spoiler page on Wiki or tv tropes, If you want to watch it on Youtube, Think again, this film had made so much negative equity that you have PAY YOUTUBE! to watch this!
THIS FILM SUCKS SO MUCH, THE DVD BECAME SELF AWARE!
...Not that couldn't figure out what happens next, Frank tails the killer to the circus possiblity does circus hijinks to capture the clown killer, seriously hurting the celebrity in this scene badly, revealing the killer to Glasky. and filling ending with a Married with Kids/HERE WE GO AGAIN! Ending that films like this usually have!
Not-Carrey is no Jim Carrey, The plot is stupid, Minorities are given the middle finger, And even if I could tell you how it really ends! it would not be satisfying considered what he had to go through!
The tag line to Frank McKluskie, C.I. is "ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN!" YOU'RE DAHM FUCKING STRAIGHT!
KABBOOOOOOM!
WHAT WAS THAT?
WE GOT HIT! WE ARE HURTLING FAST TOWARDS THE SKYSHIP!
(We were then hit by a force like a sonic boom emitting from the Blimp, whatever we were hit with made the entire train hurl towards the now open wormhole like a magnet. inside the force had took us off out feet. Despite our best efforts, Joe-jack and Yusef tried to hold on but the temporal winds blew them out of a gaping hole and into the maelstrom that is all of space and time....Oracle's tears were lost in the sound of crushing pressure of existance!
END OF PART 1!
JOIN US ON PART 2 VERY SOON AS ENLIGHTENED TOWERS HOSTS PART 2!
JOE JACK REVIEWS DISNEY ROVING MARS!
