(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
We started reviewing Guns, Girls, Gambling, a Christian Slater/Gary Oldman vehicle, about a Putz named John Smith (Slater) who entered An Elvis Contest, and woke up implicated in a robbery of a War Mask! After crawling out the boot of his own car with Dead Indians in the front, he walks 8 miles to the home of the Elvis who did Steal the mask! And if that not bad enough, the whole world and it's Mammy thinks John Stole it, and will Kill 1st and ask questions later, cos this film is that stupid!
We Start at the Train station as Gay Elvis is tracked by the Blonde Assassin called "The Blonde". Gay Elvis tells the Whore with No Name he's innocent, but she Kills Gay Elvis On the Toilet (How dignified!) she then plants John's credits card on his body. How she got cards of a man she hasn't meet yet is explained in due coarse
Exhausted, John chases on Elvis couch, When the Girl Next door (and yes, the film even Captions her name as Girl-Next-Door!) who gets kidnapped by cowboys, who works the Chiefs rival, the Rancher, John saves the girl and they are now on the run, making the John Smith Analogy that runs through the film for the first time, meaning if you are smart enough, you make already know how it all ends! She tells John that the sheriffs here in Dryrock are corrupt, one paid by the Chief, the other by the Rancher. Oh and turns out she has a name, Cindy!
The aforementioned sheriffs find the bodies of the Indians in John's car and reveals themselves as bungling Halfwits, Seriously None of their Dialogue matter and you could easily play this piece of music every time they are on screen!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukJ8mBnWxnY
Also despite John saying he had no ID, THE CAR HE OWNS HAS A LICENSE! ALL THIS COULD BE AVOIDED!
BUT NO, REMEMBER THE SYNOPSIS ON TOP? PRINT IT OUT AND USING AS TOILET PAPER, BECAUSE WHEN THE FINAL SCENE HAPPENS....OH BABY!
John, remembering Elvis had a clipboard of the other Elvis headshots to implicate in the robbery, remembers Asian Elvis' real name and finds his address, only for Midget Elvis to point his guns at their genitals, but a cop breaks it up!
John and Cindy arrives at Toshido's who attacks John with Karate and Asian Self-Loathing! Toshido tells John his credit cards were found on Alan's (Gay Elvis) body! Toshido is killed by another player in the hunt for the mask, a Self Loathing tomahawk wielder called "The Indian", But Cindy smashes a pot on his head and they escape,
After John gets into a fight with a guy he thought was following him, this leads the idiots to get distracted and captured by the Cowboy, who reveals he shot the Indians in John's car! John and Cindy have an audience with the Rancher in his limo.
The Rancher reveals the Apache Mask is in fact a Hopi Mask, a trophy from the Tribal Wars, when the Apache's lost it 4 decades ago (as evident by a flash back filmed with a sepia photoshop filter!) the Apaches found it again in the 70's, and killed the family in the house that it just happened to be buried under-The Rancher's family, in an attack that was put in motion by the Native HouseKeeper. So forget money, he's made enough legitimate money, No, he wants to spook the Prosperity out of the superstitious Apaches
OR SOME SHIT!-I Think they have made so much legit money too, that they don't care if the mask belonged to their tribe or not!
Anyway the Rancher hired Elvis but Betrayed them and now he is at the state line with his Caddy broken down,
John and Cindy search the apartment again, only to walk in on a fire fight between Midget Elvis and The Rebel Without A Bra, Midget Elvis is Dead, and no-one is close to the mask!
Running and getting separated, John gets arrested by Sherrif Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. In Jail John meets the Lady-At-The-Bar Again, who reveals that the chief is pulling a long con along side the theft of the mask robbery, blaming a patsy (John) for the robbery so people will come to his casino, when she learned about the robbery as a prostitute hired by the cowboy! But never explain how the blonde got the credit cards, maybe an odious echoed exclamation of "I LIKE GIRLS!" Is foreshadowing!
So we now caught up with the events of the 1st scene...which is repeated for everyone as brain-dead as the characters in this film! Cindy paid the bail, once again the College boy turns up, and turns out he is Cindy's ex, perhaps telling John that vital info would have prevented being captured by Sheriff Shithead and Deputy Dumb-As-Dirt!
So the Patrol Car Drives to the Shot-out Bus, the Blonde has killed Elvis and the Driver, they would have being on time if Garda Gobshite and PC Pion had a sense of Direction!
Oh I'm surprised you didn't play the bungling cop tropes straighter and say they stopped for Doughnuts! AND MAYBE IF THEY WERE ON TIME. MAYBE THE COWBOY WOULDN'T JUST DROPPED THEM LIKE SANDBAGS WITH HIS PISTOLS! But the cowboys are killed by the Indian!
Cindy enters the bus and sees the message STATION 12-BRING THE MONEY-BRING JOHN SMITH on the 2 bodies! the Chief and casino manager have arrived and agree one to spare John once more!
FINAL SCENE!
I HOPE YOU CAN KEEP UP!
The chief Yuks it up about seeing up this poor Bastard as a patsy in his long con, and so the final battle between the Chief and the Rancher is set...only for Cindy to Reveal she is the Rancher's Daughter, the Blonde arrives demanding a million dollars from each Faction, the Indian Attacks but is killed, the blonde wants John, an outsider with no loyalty to either man to deliver the money....ONLY TO REVEAL THAT THE BLONDE AND JOHN ARE A HUSBAND/WIFE BANDIT TEAM THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME! But it was personal, that family that was killed 40 years ago for the mask, NOT THE RANCHER'S, BUT JOHN'S! HOW DARE THE RANCHER USE HIS TRAGEDY FOR GAIN! ONLY HE CAN DO THAT! Oh and remember i said that Lady-At-The-Bars omitting the phrase "I LIKE GIRLS!" Had a echo around like it was important to know, well, it was foreshadowing after all, The Blonde and Her are lovers and they just played John, but they let him keep the mask, since his family found it! He also reveals that he Sabotaged Elvis's car to set up the ambush, and he planned to sell the mask back to the Hopi Tribe, but turns out the only Hopi in Nevada was the Housekeeper who betrayed his family, ALSO HIS NAME IT'S NOT EVEN JOHN SMITH, BUT A RANDOM GUY SLATER WALKED INTO TO STEAL HIS WALLET IN HIS 1ST SCENE! and So the film ends with "John Smith", Betrayer of 2 races, manipulator of teenage girls, and artifact thief, riding into the sunset with a mask costing more than it's ransom, who just played everyone else!
NO WONDER I NEVER HEARD OF IT, THIS FILM SUCKS!
If you wanted a poor man's Tarintinto Film, Mission Accomplished! Slater is a racist bastard, Oldman is here because of Classy Brit Fallacy, and everyone else is either one dimensional stereotypes or read off Fucking Idiot Cards! The John Smith/Pocahontas analogy made the betrayal by Cindy too predictable! and the editing, especially the sepia toned Microsoft filter for flashbacks was laughable! the final scene was an absolute mess, made worse by the shallow well of talent!
CREDITS
Guns, Girls, Gambling was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
with clips and music from
in Part 2
Futurama
Bulk and Skull theme by Ron Waserman
Guns Girls and Gambling was produced by Signature Films, All rights reserved. All media used belongs to their respective owners!
NEXT MONTH: THE PENGUIN FAD OF THE LAST FEW YEARS HATCHED AT LEAST ON OVERLOOKED FILM, NEXT MONTH I REVIEW SURF'S UP!
(Because of the length of this review i had no time to write a Storyline element a Supplemental Piece of the latest Chapter of THE THIEF OF BOREDOM Will be up on my Tumblr on Monday!
We started reviewing Guns, Girls, Gambling, a Christian Slater/Gary Oldman vehicle, about a Putz named John Smith (Slater) who entered An Elvis Contest, and woke up implicated in a robbery of a War Mask! After crawling out the boot of his own car with Dead Indians in the front, he walks 8 miles to the home of the Elvis who did Steal the mask! And if that not bad enough, the whole world and it's Mammy thinks John Stole it, and will Kill 1st and ask questions later, cos this film is that stupid!
We Start at the Train station as Gay Elvis is tracked by the Blonde Assassin called "The Blonde". Gay Elvis tells the Whore with No Name he's innocent, but she Kills Gay Elvis On the Toilet (How dignified!) she then plants John's credits card on his body. How she got cards of a man she hasn't meet yet is explained in due coarse
Exhausted, John chases on Elvis couch, When the Girl Next door (and yes, the film even Captions her name as Girl-Next-Door!) who gets kidnapped by cowboys, who works the Chiefs rival, the Rancher, John saves the girl and they are now on the run, making the John Smith Analogy that runs through the film for the first time, meaning if you are smart enough, you make already know how it all ends! She tells John that the sheriffs here in Dryrock are corrupt, one paid by the Chief, the other by the Rancher. Oh and turns out she has a name, Cindy!
The aforementioned sheriffs find the bodies of the Indians in John's car and reveals themselves as bungling Halfwits, Seriously None of their Dialogue matter and you could easily play this piece of music every time they are on screen!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukJ8mBnWxnY
Also despite John saying he had no ID, THE CAR HE OWNS HAS A LICENSE! ALL THIS COULD BE AVOIDED!
BUT NO, REMEMBER THE SYNOPSIS ON TOP? PRINT IT OUT AND USING AS TOILET PAPER, BECAUSE WHEN THE FINAL SCENE HAPPENS....OH BABY!
John, remembering Elvis had a clipboard of the other Elvis headshots to implicate in the robbery, remembers Asian Elvis' real name and finds his address, only for Midget Elvis to point his guns at their genitals, but a cop breaks it up!
John and Cindy arrives at Toshido's who attacks John with Karate and Asian Self-Loathing! Toshido tells John his credit cards were found on Alan's (Gay Elvis) body! Toshido is killed by another player in the hunt for the mask, a Self Loathing tomahawk wielder called "The Indian", But Cindy smashes a pot on his head and they escape,
After John gets into a fight with a guy he thought was following him, this leads the idiots to get distracted and captured by the Cowboy, who reveals he shot the Indians in John's car! John and Cindy have an audience with the Rancher in his limo.
The Rancher reveals the Apache Mask is in fact a Hopi Mask, a trophy from the Tribal Wars, when the Apache's lost it 4 decades ago (as evident by a flash back filmed with a sepia photoshop filter!) the Apaches found it again in the 70's, and killed the family in the house that it just happened to be buried under-The Rancher's family, in an attack that was put in motion by the Native HouseKeeper. So forget money, he's made enough legitimate money, No, he wants to spook the Prosperity out of the superstitious Apaches
OR SOME SHIT!-I Think they have made so much legit money too, that they don't care if the mask belonged to their tribe or not!
 |
| "FEH! WE'LL JUST GET ANOTHER MASK AND ACT LIKE IT'S SACRED! WITH THIS MUCH MONEY, WHO'S GONNA CALL US OUT? NO ONE THAT'S WHO! |
John and Cindy search the apartment again, only to walk in on a fire fight between Midget Elvis and The Rebel Without A Bra, Midget Elvis is Dead, and no-one is close to the mask!
Running and getting separated, John gets arrested by Sherrif Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. In Jail John meets the Lady-At-The-Bar Again, who reveals that the chief is pulling a long con along side the theft of the mask robbery, blaming a patsy (John) for the robbery so people will come to his casino, when she learned about the robbery as a prostitute hired by the cowboy! But never explain how the blonde got the credit cards, maybe an odious echoed exclamation of "I LIKE GIRLS!" Is foreshadowing!
So we now caught up with the events of the 1st scene...which is repeated for everyone as brain-dead as the characters in this film! Cindy paid the bail, once again the College boy turns up, and turns out he is Cindy's ex, perhaps telling John that vital info would have prevented being captured by Sheriff Shithead and Deputy Dumb-As-Dirt!
So the Patrol Car Drives to the Shot-out Bus, the Blonde has killed Elvis and the Driver, they would have being on time if Garda Gobshite and PC Pion had a sense of Direction!
Oh I'm surprised you didn't play the bungling cop tropes straighter and say they stopped for Doughnuts! AND MAYBE IF THEY WERE ON TIME. MAYBE THE COWBOY WOULDN'T JUST DROPPED THEM LIKE SANDBAGS WITH HIS PISTOLS! But the cowboys are killed by the Indian!
Cindy enters the bus and sees the message STATION 12-BRING THE MONEY-BRING JOHN SMITH on the 2 bodies! the Chief and casino manager have arrived and agree one to spare John once more!
FINAL SCENE!
I HOPE YOU CAN KEEP UP!
The chief Yuks it up about seeing up this poor Bastard as a patsy in his long con, and so the final battle between the Chief and the Rancher is set...only for Cindy to Reveal she is the Rancher's Daughter, the Blonde arrives demanding a million dollars from each Faction, the Indian Attacks but is killed, the blonde wants John, an outsider with no loyalty to either man to deliver the money....ONLY TO REVEAL THAT THE BLONDE AND JOHN ARE A HUSBAND/WIFE BANDIT TEAM THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME! But it was personal, that family that was killed 40 years ago for the mask, NOT THE RANCHER'S, BUT JOHN'S! HOW DARE THE RANCHER USE HIS TRAGEDY FOR GAIN! ONLY HE CAN DO THAT! Oh and remember i said that Lady-At-The-Bars omitting the phrase "I LIKE GIRLS!" Had a echo around like it was important to know, well, it was foreshadowing after all, The Blonde and Her are lovers and they just played John, but they let him keep the mask, since his family found it! He also reveals that he Sabotaged Elvis's car to set up the ambush, and he planned to sell the mask back to the Hopi Tribe, but turns out the only Hopi in Nevada was the Housekeeper who betrayed his family, ALSO HIS NAME IT'S NOT EVEN JOHN SMITH, BUT A RANDOM GUY SLATER WALKED INTO TO STEAL HIS WALLET IN HIS 1ST SCENE! and So the film ends with "John Smith", Betrayer of 2 races, manipulator of teenage girls, and artifact thief, riding into the sunset with a mask costing more than it's ransom, who just played everyone else!
NO WONDER I NEVER HEARD OF IT, THIS FILM SUCKS!
If you wanted a poor man's Tarintinto Film, Mission Accomplished! Slater is a racist bastard, Oldman is here because of Classy Brit Fallacy, and everyone else is either one dimensional stereotypes or read off Fucking Idiot Cards! The John Smith/Pocahontas analogy made the betrayal by Cindy too predictable! and the editing, especially the sepia toned Microsoft filter for flashbacks was laughable! the final scene was an absolute mess, made worse by the shallow well of talent!
CREDITS
Guns, Girls, Gambling was reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
with clips and music from
in Part 2
Futurama
Bulk and Skull theme by Ron Waserman
Guns Girls and Gambling was produced by Signature Films, All rights reserved. All media used belongs to their respective owners!
NEXT MONTH: THE PENGUIN FAD OF THE LAST FEW YEARS HATCHED AT LEAST ON OVERLOOKED FILM, NEXT MONTH I REVIEW SURF'S UP!
(Because of the length of this review i had no time to write a Storyline element a Supplemental Piece of the latest Chapter of THE THIEF OF BOREDOM Will be up on my Tumblr on Monday!
