Since I was 6, in some form or another, i watch film review programs.
And not to brag, but i remember nearly every film tile that was ever discussed and advertised since then,
So when scouring for films to review in my Local Dealz! this appeared and it completely dumbfounded me, I never heard of this film "Guns, Girls, Gambling" and if i did a quick survey, neither has anyone else!
This could either be so bland no-one noticed! or a very hidden gem, BUT LETS WALK INTO THE LIGHT TOGETHER!
Well, despite the top billing, Slater and Oldman are overshadowed by a nameless model in the foreground and while the boys seem to be moving, as evidenced by the leg placements, this women is either standing with her hips unswing and gun akimbo at such a ridiculous angle, or she is working an invisible hula hoop! also what is wrong with Christian Slaters' face? It looks Photoshopped!
After pressing play and the logo for Signature Films (Answers on a Postcard, Please!) the no frills title screen comes up!
The film starts with Gary Oldman dressed as Elvis sitting on a bus-stop bench in the desert. he has a fabric bag with him as the driver goes to the toilet, Elvis is approached by the Nameless Model (Referred to in this film as "The Blonde")
Oh great! not only does this film not care to tell us who she is, but her character doesn't even have a name!
So the Blonde recites (or more accurately, reads off an Idiot Card!) A piece of Prose, some kind of Password maybe, When Elvis answers "WHAT?" She shoots up the Bus!
After title Drop and a Poundland James Bond Intro, We get Narration by Christian Slater, who gives an abridged version of the American Settlement, BLAH BLAHBLAH, Whites are Bastards, we put the Injuns on barren land that had oil, and generations later the Indians are making us pay, with Interest, in Casinos, and that's where we Start, With John Smith (Slater) slapped around by Casino security, until we get a flashback to the day before, John Smith is your average guy who becomes a mark to trim, but because of his very little knowledge of gambling, enters An Elvis impersonator contest instead,Dressed in the same costume Oldman was wearing. he's terrible, but he does meet a lady at the Bar (A Caption for every character springs up and the woman is referred to as Lady-At-The-Bar), steals John's wallet but all she got was his id!
PLOT POINT!
He proceeds to get along with other Elvis' An Asian, a 2 Dimensional Gay and as always with these low budget Career killers, a Midget! all the contestants loose their money to Oldman (who is referred to as Elvis!) Elvis explains that the Chief loves Elvis Presley so much he lets anyone who enters the competition have All Access, even to the room where the chief Sacred Mask is stored.
The Next Morning a Hungover John Smith, wakes up to alarms, and the Elvis are missing, and we are Caught up with the interrogation, the Mask has being stolen, and the only other white, straight, and normal sized Elvis dressed in his costume is missing, he must get the Mask back to the Casino or he will be killed!
John is Bundled into his own car boot and left in the desert. Tearing through the backseat with a crowbar, he finds the Casino security guys shot dead in the front seats, hoping Elvis did write his real address on the entry form, John Makes the 8 mile walk through the desert to the town of Drystone.
WE WILL BE BACK IN AUGUST FOR THE CONCLUSION-PREPARE FOR RACIAL INSENSITIVITY, AND THE MOST OVERCOOKED ENDING TO A FILM EVER FILMED! NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
And not to brag, but i remember nearly every film tile that was ever discussed and advertised since then,
So when scouring for films to review in my Local Dealz! this appeared and it completely dumbfounded me, I never heard of this film "Guns, Girls, Gambling" and if i did a quick survey, neither has anyone else!
This could either be so bland no-one noticed! or a very hidden gem, BUT LETS WALK INTO THE LIGHT TOGETHER!
Well, despite the top billing, Slater and Oldman are overshadowed by a nameless model in the foreground and while the boys seem to be moving, as evidenced by the leg placements, this women is either standing with her hips unswing and gun akimbo at such a ridiculous angle, or she is working an invisible hula hoop! also what is wrong with Christian Slaters' face? It looks Photoshopped!
After pressing play and the logo for Signature Films (Answers on a Postcard, Please!) the no frills title screen comes up!
The film starts with Gary Oldman dressed as Elvis sitting on a bus-stop bench in the desert. he has a fabric bag with him as the driver goes to the toilet, Elvis is approached by the Nameless Model (Referred to in this film as "The Blonde")
Oh great! not only does this film not care to tell us who she is, but her character doesn't even have a name!
So the Blonde recites (or more accurately, reads off an Idiot Card!) A piece of Prose, some kind of Password maybe, When Elvis answers "WHAT?" She shoots up the Bus!
After title Drop and a Poundland James Bond Intro, We get Narration by Christian Slater, who gives an abridged version of the American Settlement, BLAH BLAHBLAH, Whites are Bastards, we put the Injuns on barren land that had oil, and generations later the Indians are making us pay, with Interest, in Casinos, and that's where we Start, With John Smith (Slater) slapped around by Casino security, until we get a flashback to the day before, John Smith is your average guy who becomes a mark to trim, but because of his very little knowledge of gambling, enters An Elvis impersonator contest instead,Dressed in the same costume Oldman was wearing. he's terrible, but he does meet a lady at the Bar (A Caption for every character springs up and the woman is referred to as Lady-At-The-Bar), steals John's wallet but all she got was his id!
PLOT POINT!
He proceeds to get along with other Elvis' An Asian, a 2 Dimensional Gay and as always with these low budget Career killers, a Midget! all the contestants loose their money to Oldman (who is referred to as Elvis!) Elvis explains that the Chief loves Elvis Presley so much he lets anyone who enters the competition have All Access, even to the room where the chief Sacred Mask is stored.
The Next Morning a Hungover John Smith, wakes up to alarms, and the Elvis are missing, and we are Caught up with the interrogation, the Mask has being stolen, and the only other white, straight, and normal sized Elvis dressed in his costume is missing, he must get the Mask back to the Casino or he will be killed!
John is Bundled into his own car boot and left in the desert. Tearing through the backseat with a crowbar, he finds the Casino security guys shot dead in the front seats, hoping Elvis did write his real address on the entry form, John Makes the 8 mile walk through the desert to the town of Drystone.
WE WILL BE BACK IN AUGUST FOR THE CONCLUSION-PREPARE FOR RACIAL INSENSITIVITY, AND THE MOST OVERCOOKED ENDING TO A FILM EVER FILMED! NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
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