EPISODE 88: Eamonn reviews The Golden Compass Part 1

(If only there was a song that sums up Phillip Pullman's overbearing atheist beliefs in this film-then it hit me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KThlYHfIVa8
So Here it is.
THE ULTIMATE FAILED POTTER KILLER, A BOOK FRANCHISE THAT DIED AFTER 1 FILM, THAT SPARKED 1 IRISH MIRROR WRITER TO CALL IT "ATHIEST PROPERGANDA" AND MASS CINEMA BOYCOTTS IN THE BIBLE BELT, THIS 1 ONE HAS BEING ON MY LIST SINCE DAY 1, THIS IS THE GOLDEN COMPASS.

We start with a narrative by Nicole Kidman who tells us that story is set in a different world where souls are unabashfuly called demons, witch's are real, Dust is a magical substance and James Bond would so much cooler if he had a pet leopard!

We also learn of the eponymous Golden Compass, Devices that reveal secrets and actually tell the future, but the evil Majesterium aka the NOT-VATICAN! Destroyed all but 1

We cut to actors too posh to convincingly play gypsies, where we meet our hero Lyra (Dakota Blue Phillips) Playing tag with gypsy children only to make out the gate of her college is cursed, so no one from the college will see her talking to Gypsies!

OUR HEROINE, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!
A posh elitist, who betrays her poor but genuine friends easily for social standing!

On the other side of Oxford, Daniel Craig's Character of Lord Azrael Unpronounceable! (I'm not even gonna try) enters a room at the college and uncovers a Amber Spyglass

DUN DUN D-OESN'T EVEN AMOUNT TO A SEQUEL!

So we learn more about Lyra, an orphan who only surviving relative is Lord Azrael. She has a demon called Pan (voice of Freddie Highmore) all demons can transform to any animal but mostly he takes the form of a weasel! every person shares a symbiotic link to their demon, they share it's pain and contact with your hand to a demon causes pain or even Death!

Which means that people should be dying left right and centre, since you showed demons turning in common animals in the opening, what's stopping people from petting a dog or riding a horse and then dying, having established in the Gypsy camp that dogs and horse exist in this world also? What about cows and pigs? what if you accidentally kill and eat a demon? what happens then?

Sneaking into a room where a teacher is telling a Majesterium that he has no derestriction here, Lyra and Pan sees the Evil Tool from the Evil Church Of Evil spiking a decanter of wine as Uncle Azrael (Craig) enters, Lyra saves her only living relation and Azrael tells here to hide once more when he sees the wine getting discoloured by the substance.

Lord Azrael is an explorer who has returned from the Arctic. He shows his the school staff a photo of the Northern Lights, the northern lights is made of dust in this world and this dust is the intangible window into our world. Azrael hypothesizes that there are other worlds, all free from the Majesterium. This causes Friar Pablo to get angry and call Azrael a heretic.

Later on Azrael scolds Lyra for what she did, but he's not too hard on her what with that tiny detail of saving his life from being poisoned by the guy i seen many times before typecasted as a Nazi!, But gets angry when Lyra asks about dust, But when Azrael changes the subject on why Pan hasn't settled on a form yet! i suppose that's their way of trying to explain why people haven't died petting dogs that are really demons, she deduces though that Dust is the reason children's demons can change and adults lose that power.

On the Roof of the college, Roger tells Lyra that children are going missing because of goblins and the Magisterium is covering it up.

....AND I CAN NOW SEE why Many Catholics got upset with this film-you just went from archaic beliefs, blacklisting, censorship and quickly into the realm of Pedophilia. No wonder this film has a 12 rating in Ireland!

At the college Mess, a dinner for the expedition to the North is arranged. Slinking into view is Mrs Coulter (Nicole Kidman) her very presence confounds and frightens the professors. Sitting to next to Lyra and infodumping some foreshadowing about the ice bears, Mrs Coulter asks the master of the College to make the girl her proxy on the expedition to the north, Promising to "deal" with Azrael as under the table Coulters Monkey is hurting Pan
FORESHADOWING!

Outside Oxford's Walls Roger and Billy and plan to steal a scholar's cape, Coulter's Monkey grabs Billy's demon and starts to choke. Roger turns to get help but is stopped by something emitting a green light off camera.

Oh my god, The Incredible Hulk got him!

We cut to NOT-Vatican city and why are the church so evil-BECAUSE THE NOT-POPE IS THE MASTER (Derek Jacobi) AND HIS NOT-CARDINAL IS COUNT DOOKU (Christopher Lee), THAT'S WHY!

They reveal their plan to inoculate(read: brainwash) all the children into dumbfucks that believe fairy stories about talking snakes and every animal in existence can fit on a boat! Ok that last statement was abrasive but that's Phillip Pullman attitude to religion he had written into this story-  their is no good Catholics and no bad Gypsies or scholars-their is no middle ground-the prevailing philosophy in this film-if you in believe in a God, then you also support atrocities made in that God's name! we also learn that Coulter is indeed a villain.

Afraid of Mrs Coulter, the Master of the college, gives Lyra the eponymous Golden Gompass, explaining that she must never let Mrs Coulter see it-Despite her knowing already about because of prophecy or some shit!

WILL LYRA SAVE HER WORLD?
WHAT PLANS DOES THE GOBLINS HAVE FOR THE KIDNAPPED KIDS?
WHAT MORE VILE HATEFUL DOULBLETALK HAS PULLMAN SLIPPED FROM HIS PEN?

YOU CAN ONLY FIND OUT NEXT MONTH AS THE ROAD TO 100 CONTINUES, ONLY ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!